Original subtitles

AINE: ♪ Head ♪

♪ Shoulders, knees and toes ♪

♪ Knees and toes ♪

♪ Eyes and ears and mouth and nose ♪

‐ Front door.

‐ ♪ It's your head, it's your shoulders ♪

♪ Knees and toes ♪ ‐ Seriously?

BOTH: ♪ Knees and toes ♪

‐ ♪ It's a great track ♪

Oh, my god.

Have you ever known a better song?

There's your dad.

Hi! Right, in you go.

Good news is, if dear Etienne, here,

needs to go to the doctor, he can point out exactly

where it hurts. ‐ Great.

‐ As long as it's his head or his shoulders

or his knees or his toes...

or his eyes or his ears.

‐ What if he breaks his finger?

‐ Well, then he'll probably find it difficult to type.

‐ There it is.

‐ Richard, can I put some of my photos downstairs?

RICHARD: Oh, uh, yeah, of course.

Yeah, no, it's, it's your home too.

D'you wanna join me for dinner?

AINE: Oh, that's nice.

I haven't actually eaten yet, so...

‐ Oh, I was talking to Etienne.

AINE: Oh! [chuckles] Okay, sorry.

Just 'cause you were speaking so formally for...

[Richard mutters] ‐ To a child.

‐ You can‐‐ you can stay if you want.

Uh, Marcia's made plenty.

‐ That's nice, but, um...

ETIENNE: Please? Please, Aine.

RICHARD: Though she did say

that she put a‐‐ a poisoned pepper in it.

‐ Hmm?

‐ I wasn't serious.

AINE: Oh, right.

God. Okay.

'Cause, just, you seem very serious.

AINE: Yeah, my mother

was actually a TV personality.

RICHARD: Really? ‐ She was just on Irish TV.

‐ Oh. ‐ Um, she...

[chuckles]

She used to do the weather on television...

RICHARD: Right. ‐ But every day

she'd wear a different hat.

How about that? That was her thing.

Irish people loved it.

I mean, not this Irish person. I hated it.

‐ What about your dad?

‐ No, he only had the one hat.

‐ He's dead, too.

‐ Okay, merci, monsieur.

Nice to see you're keeping all the secrets I tell ya.

‐ Sorry to hear that. ‐ No, it's okay.

Though it is a bit of a sad story.

Um, my mother's hat collection fell on top of him,

and he was smothered to death by the hats.

[both chuckle]

‐ That's....

[chuckles] AINE: Oh, my God.

Are you laughing, Richard?

Stop.

You're freaking me out, man. [chuckles]

‐ Yeah, I guess laughing hasn't been much of a...

[clears throat] A priority of late.

‐ Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Obviously.

‐ Listen, you don't need to hang around here with us.

I, um‐‐I'm sure...

‐ Oh, my God. I am so sorry for...

‐ No, um... AINE: Taking up your time.

‐ Well, I'm not trying to shoo you out.

I, I, I just don't want you... AINE: Oh, no, no, no, no.

My God, yeah. I shouldn't be‐‐I mean, I‐‐

I invited myself for dinner.

What an idiot. RICHARD: Well, thanks for‐‐

for joining us, though. ‐ No,

thank you for the‐‐ you know, I mean,

you really know how to, uh,

pay someone to cook for you.

So, uh... ‐ Okay.

AINE: Yeah. ‐ Right.

Um... ‐ No, that was‐‐

ETIENNE: Aine, please stay.

AINE: D'you know what? I do have to actually leave,

'cause I've got places to go and stuff.

‐ Mmm, I'm sure you do. AINE: Yeah.

Um, yeah, I'll see you Monday, and, um,

uh, good luck with your photos and stuff.

Really wanna see them, so, um, yeah.

RICHARD: Okay, see you Monday.

AINE: Yeah, see you Monday.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

SINGER: ♪ Stop messin' with my money now ♪

♪ Like a walk in the park ♪

♪ I got love till it runneth out ♪

♪ Being rich is hip as fuck ♪

♪ I got friends, I got fun ♪

♪ Got no worries till it all dry up ♪

BRADLEY: Love them. EMMA: Do you?

BRADLEY: God, I thought I liked your left boob the most,

but from this angle, babe,

it might be the right, you know.

[chuckles]

BRADLEY: Man, your boobs are as intense as your arse.

[door creaks] BRADLEY: Hello, boob.

SHONA: Oh my God.

Can't believe you've got rats.

That's disgusting. ‐ Yeah, I know, it's awful.

Don't know how they got there but, sixth floor.

Must have had a ladder or something.

We're watching that murdered nun documentary.

AINE: Ooh.

SHONA: So what did your man say?

They have to smoke them out or‐‐

‐ [chuckles] Smoke them out?

‐ What? ‐ No.

Clint Eastwood's rat catching service was closed, Shona.

‐ What are you talking about?

That's a‐‐ smoking out is a thing.

How else do you think you get rid of a rat?

‐ [chuckles]

You sound like a Cockney criminal.

[Cockney accent] How d'you get rid of a rat, boys?

‐ [chuckles] ‐ Alright, do you want me

to pause this while we talk about rats?

‐ No, no, no. ‐ I will if you want me to.

‐ No, don't. I'm dying to watch this.

Just like The Nun.

[all sigh]

‐ Have you eaten?

‐ Oh, yeah, I have actually.

I ate at Richard's house. Uh, he inclu...

‐ Who? ‐ Richard, your man who I teach for.

‐ What? ‐ Yeah, he included me in dinner.

‐ Jesus, Aine. ‐ Oh, don't.

‐ No, be careful, though. ‐ I knew you were gonna say that.

It was totally professional.

‐ Well, of course I'm gonna say that.

He's your employer. ‐ No, I know he's my boss.

‐ Are you watching this?

Because they just moved that head priest

to the other parish. SHONA: Oh God.

They're called bishops, by the way.

‐ Bishops, whatever. [Aine laughs]

‐ Head priests. ‐ Just...

BOTH: Head priest. ‐ [laughs] Oh, Vish.

‐ I wish they were called that.

[both chuckle]

‐ ♪ Who murdered the nun? ♪

‐ Alright, you know what? I'm just gonna watch this at home, alright?

‐ Oh, come on! VISH: No, you guys need to care more about murdered nuns, okay?

‐ Sit down. BOTH: We'll be good.

[funky hip‐hop music]

♪ ♪

‐ Fuck! AINE: Oh, my God!

‐ Are you fucking kidding me?!

AINE: Oh, sorry! VISH: Jesus, Aine!

‐ Sorry!

VISH: Come on!

‐ Oh no.

[groaning] I...

[Shona chuckles softly] [Aine groans] SHONA: What's happened?

[Aine continues] ‐ Why you up so late?

AINE: Does Vish ever wee sitting down?

SHONA: No.

AINE: Well, then, I think I just saw him having une poo.

‐ [chuckles] Oh, no! Was he naked?

‐ Uh, not from the waist up, no.

SHONA: Jesus. God love him.

Just pretend it never happened.

AINE: Ah, the old family motto.

Ow! Shona!

That literally actually hurt my arm.

‐ No, it'll teach you to knock next time.

Did you call your man? When are the rats out?

‐ I didn't know you started eating chicken again.

When d'you start eating chicken?

Thought you watched Cowspiracy.

It says it in your Netflix. Cows are the worst.

‐ Yeah, chicken is not a cow,

and I knew you were logging into my Netflix.

‐ You're the one who's been messing up our algorithms.

AINE: [groans] Vish.

[chuckles] I am so sorry. ‐ It's not funny.

‐ It's a little bit funny.

[Shona chuckles] VISH: It's not. It's disgusting.

AINE: It's just I'm not used to boys being here

and having to knock.

‐ Yeah, well, I don't want to stay here, but I have to

because your sister hates houses that

have private bathrooms and under floor heating.

‐ Under floor heating? Oh my God, I didn't know that.

‐ I moved my toothbrush in three weeks ago.

That's enough for now.

VISH: And I go to bed with it every night when I miss you.

[Aine groans] ‐ Aw. [groans]

‐ Alright, I am off to stag it up.

‐ Good luck. Sounds like hell.

‐ It is, but he's the last one of our gang

that's getting married so...

unless one of us does it again.

‐ Ooh! Shona!

‐ Well, let me know when you plan

to marry your ex‐wife again.

VISH: [chuckles] She was too short for me anyway.

Alright. SHONA: Aw.

‐ Thanks for this. Love you.

‐ Oh! Love you too, Vish.

And I'm really sorry again about poo‐gate.

[giggles] ‐ Okay, it was‐‐behave.

[Shona sighs] ‐ You know, you don't have to take care of her all weekend.

‐ Huh? ‐ No, you don't.

It's not good for either one of you. ‐ I'm not.

I'm not, I'm gonna kick her out, get her some fresh air.

Promise. ‐ Yeah, alright, okay.

'Cause you need to relax. Chill out. ‐ Yes, I know.

Yes, I know. I'm not working. ‐ Good.

SHONA: I'm gonna chill out.

Bye. ‐ Bye.

SHONA: Don't get killed. ‐ I won't.

Bye. AINE: Oh, bye, Vish!

‐ Um, when you're on the stag,

just, look, don't show anyone your penis

'cause that's just for Shona and me to see, okay?

‐ Bye.

‐ Okay, what did your man say when you called him?

AINE: What?

SHONA: When are you getting back in?

‐ Oh, the rats?

Um, well, they'll all technically be dead by tomorrow,

but then they have to do something awful like scoop

up the bodies afterwards or something, so I think Monday?

SHONA: In that case, three things. AINE: Mmm‐hmm?

‐ Charlotte's coming over to work; don't tell Vish.

AINE: [imitates Shona] My best friend, Charlotte. SHONA: Yeah, very funny.

So make yourself scarce. AINE: What?

SHONA: Yeah. ‐ Ah, Shona.

Can I not just hide in your room?

‐ No, I'd feel bad asking you to do that.

So, just, you know, leave instead.

‐ Where‐‐ what am I gonna do?

‐ Aine, I'm not your event and life planner, okay?

Just figure it out.

And it's Saturday. Go do something fun.

Okay, second and third things.

We've got a cousin in London.

Mam wants us to hang out with him.

AINE: Oh, fuck that.

Is he Irish?

SHONA: We have to, okay?

Apparently they were nice after Daddy died.

AINE: What?

SHONA: Yeah. They, um, I don't know,

they threw some money in for the coffin or something.

[Aine groans] ‐ I don't know, anyway, you gotta hang out with him.

I can't, 'cause I've too much on.

Ah, oh, and this lad's Irish.

‐ Who, our cousin? SHONA: Yeah.

Uh, no, the lad I'm gonna fix you up with.

AINE: No, Shona! I don't want any set‐ups. ‐ Yes.

I swear to you, you will love him.

AINE: No, no, no, no. ‐ I know him.

He works on the floor below me.

‐ No, no, no. ‐ He's nice.

Little bit weird like you.

AINE: [groans] No, no set‐ups.

Oh my God, thank God you've got dental floss.

I've had a bit of celery stuck

in my back tooth for, like, three days.

‐ Aine, floss over the sink.

Aine! Don't walk around my house

getting flecks of bacteria all over the place.

[Aine breathes heavily]

‐ Okay, so, why don't you head out for a bit, yeah?

It's not good for you to be hanging round the house all day or just with me. Okay?

‐ Yeah, okay, okay.

‐ Well, if you're sticking around

I'm gonna Skype Mam, okay, you can have a chat with her.

‐ Ah, no, Shona. There's no need to threaten me. ‐ What?

I'm not, oh my God, I'm not threatening you!

AINE: Oh my God. Fine.

I'll leave this house full of lies and deceit.

AINE: Smoked out like a rat.

‐ Well, look, you have to call her anyway.

You haven't talked to her in ages.

AINE: Yeah, I'll‐‐

we can Skype her later when I'm not here.

‐ Oh my God, you're such a baby.

You're a brat.

‐ Well, I texted her last week to see if she was dead so...

Ow! ‐ That's not even funny.

Don't say that! ‐ Shona!

You can't do the same place twice!

It's illegal. Bye.

‐ Bye.

[funky music]

♪ ♪

SINGER: ♪ Am I feeling free? ♪

♪ Feed the dolphin in the sea, sea ♪

♪ Pulling in the race, race, blowing it to piece ♪

♪ Got my Sunday shades on, yeah, play my favorite song ♪

FEMALE PSYCHIC: So what brings you here today?

‐ Um, so maybe romance, I suppose.

That's kind of a classic.

Anyone coming along who thinks I'm not totally shite?

FEMALE PSYCHIC: Okay.

I'll just check in. AINE: Okay.

‐ Your energy's very female.

‐ Oh, my God, am I gonna fall in love with a woman?

‐ Don't interrupt. ‐ Sorry.

‐ Male energy's very exotic to you.

You're very starstruck by male energy.

‐ Yeah.

That big dick energy.

FEMALE PSYCHIC: You need to manage that. ‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ And I'm getting a brother figure.

‐ Oh, yeah. That's probably Vish.

He's my maybe brother‐in‐law.

‐ Okay, so I'm getting a three figure.

Three is unbalancing.

‐ What, so like I'm unbalancing?

What, so they don't want me there?

‐ Are you there a lot? AINE: Yeah.

I think they like having me there.

Do you think they don't like having me there?

‐ Well, I don't know them.

You've got a fire in you, okay?

What's your name again?

‐ Aine. FEMALE PSYCHIC: Aine.

You've got a fire in you, and

you can use that to heat yourself up.

‐ Well, that's what I try to...

‐ Don't interrupt. ‐ Sorry.

‐ Or you can use that to burn yourself

and everyone else around you down.

‐ Right, well I was just sort of hoping

for the lottery numbers, but okay.

[printer whirs]

AINE: I suppose that's the new "crossing the palm with silver'" is it?

‐ Well, it's easier for the tax receipts.

‐ Yeah, okay.

Well, thank you. Uh, bye.

Uh, actually, um, before I go,

I don't know if, um, you know, you've got your,

uh, like, phone thingy or whatever turned off, but, um,

there wasn't any word from...

the angels, whoever‐‐ from...

my father‐‐from‐‐

from my daddy, was there?

‐ He's passed on, has he?

‐ Uh, yeah.

‐ No, sorry.

‐ Right, yeah. Grand. Just thought it'd be worth a shot, so...

FEMALE PSYCHIC: Sometimes people don't get in touch,

you know, until you're ready

to hear what they wanna tell you.

‐ Yeah, okay.

Well, um...

have a great day anyway. See you.

WAITER: Uh, we'll be closing soon.

‐ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, well, you know, I have to be off anyway, so.

WAITER: Yeah, if I can't close up, I can't get home, so...

‐ We all have homes to go to, mate.

[waiter exhales]

‐ [gasps] Oh, my God. Freddie.

[cell phone ringing]

SHONA: Hey. AINE: Hiya. Can I come back yet?

SHONA: Come to the pub, will you, the one near the park?

AINE: Oh, uh, the one where your man with the hair worked?

SHONA: Yeah, yeah, yeah. AINE: Yeah, great. Yeah, cool.

Oh, brilliant, um, I'm en route.

I'll, I'll hop on a tube.

Um, I actually have to go now.

Yeah.

Sorry about that. See you.

SHONA: [laughs] He's nice!

AINE: Hi. SHONA: Oh!

There she is. Aine, this is Charlotte.

‐ Oh my God, hi. CHARLOTTE: Hi.

Oh, God, you do have lovely skin. ‐ [chuckles] What?

‐ God, I'd make a soft bag out of that face.

‐ Should I be scared or flattered?

‐ Ah, well, with Aine, probably both.

And there's David back again.

‐ Who? ‐ David.

Aine, David. I was telling you about.

Right, we're off.

‐ What? Where are you guys going?

SHONA: You know, I told you.

We've got all that work to do.

I thought David could keep you company, there.

David bought you a pint, which was nice of him.

‐ How did David know what I wanted?

‐ I told David, so David knew.

‐ Well, it seems like David has it all sorted out

and it's all very handy and convenient for David.

‐ Why are you being so narky?

DAVID: It's nice to meet you finally, Aine.

‐ Aw, well, there you go.

That's great. Okay, let's go.

It was lovely seeing you, David.

‐ It was nice to meet you, Aine.

You've lovely skin, too. ‐ Thank you.

‐ Come here, did you take my new lip balm?

‐ No, I don't think so.

‐ No, I was talking to Aine. DAVID: Okay.

‐ No, I used it but I put it back in your box, Princess Anne.

‐ Well, you didn't put it back in my box 'cause I would have seen it in my‐‐

AINE: Yes, I did put it back in your box.

‐ Do you know what? Forget it. Doesn't matter.

Okay, have a great night.

All the best!

[David slurping]

Sensitive teeth.

CHARLOTTE: And then later on he comes up to me and he says,

"Word of advice. This company's like a family."

SHONA: Uh‐huh. ‐ "And when daddy's speaking,

the little girl shuts the fuck up.

‐ No, he did not say that! CHARLOTTE: Yes, he did.

‐ Oh my God.

Did you punch him in the balls?

‐ I wanna say yeah, but no,

I went into the toilet and cried.

[both laugh] SHONA: Aw, no!

[cell phone rings] ‐ Pathetic. I know.

‐ I'd be the same, actually.

That kind of thing makes me really, um...

SHONA:... emotional, you know?

‐ No, it's fine. Honestly, take it. ‐ Yeah?

‐ Yeah. ‐ She's...

‐ It's like our little tradition, now.

‐ Alright, I won't be long.

SHONA: Hey, what's up?

AINE: Hiya, can I come back yet?

SHONA: No, I left you an hour ago.

Are you still with David? AINE: Course I am.

I've nothing else to do that doesn't cost cash.

‐ Just... [sighs]

Just stay out till 10:00‐ish, okay?

Have a laugh.

Don't sleep with him, though.

AINE: Yeah, right. You'd love that.

Then I could not come back to your house.

SHONA: Don't get drunk.

And get a taxi home.

Don't walk or I'll kill ya.

Okay, bye. Love you.

That was quick. Did you wash your hands?

‐ Uh, no, I didn't need to 'cause it was so quick.

Are you sure you don't want any food?

Only I've got an empty belly.

[Scottish accent] Get in my belly, food.

‐ Yeah, go on, I'll go for food with you.

‐ Oh yes, get in. [chuckles]

‐ Do you wanna do some shots first, though?

‐ Yeah, shots?

Uh, I've actually never done shots before.

SHONA: Sorry.

‐ Drama? SHONA: No.

Why, does Freddie say she comes with drama?

Shouldn't even be talking about her, d'you know that?

Bloody ass clown.

CHARLOTTE: No, honestly, he didn't say anything.

That's‐‐ that's not what I meant.

He's actually been asking how she is a few times.

SHONA: Ah. ‐ But I know he's enemy number one.

Think he's seeing someone new now.

‐ Is he? Who?

‐ Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.

‐ No, it's... [groans]

God, did I need to know that?

[groans]

I don't think she needs to know that.

She‐‐she's just, she's had a bit of a...

tough run of it, you know.

I mean, she's great now, but it's...

‐ Does she get depressed?

‐ Um...

No. I mean, no more than the rest of us.

‐ I get it, I...

I mean, my brain's a bit shit but I‐‐I take stuff for it

and I see a guy and‐‐

and now I'm, I'm totally fine all the time.

Except when I...

[chuckles] Turn on the news,

scroll through Twitter,

and then I wanna jump off a cliff.

‐ [sighs]

Well, I mean,

she's totally fine now,

but, um...

Last year, she, um...

Well, we think she tried to...

But I got her in somewhere for a couple of weeks and,

you know, she's, it's just‐‐ it was really scary, though.

‐ Yeah.

‐ [sighs]

So, that's why, um,

with the phone, like, you know.

Like, I know she's in the pub, you know, where we were,

so I'm like "Phew.

I don't need to worry."

[sniffles]

Okay.

AINE: Wa, wa, wa. We need to keep eating steak.

Do you know, actually, have you watched The West Wing?

Oh my God, because actually, apparently,

that's exactly what it's like in the government,

in the White House in America.

So it's very interesting.

‐ Mmm. ‐ God, this place is so random.

Why did you pick here for eating?

‐ 'Cause my place is upstairs.

‐ Your place is upstairs.

Oh my God, how do I end up in these fucking situations?

Shona, that's how. Right, okay.

Right, yes, yes, yes, okay.

David, pretend to have your mind blown.

‐ What, do you mean prepare to have my mind blown?

‐ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

[both groaning]

That's my gift to you, there, David.

Um, I've had a lovely evening.

Thanks very much for paying for everything

but, I think you'll agree,

that you got your money's worth and it's time for me to go.

And never call me again, okay, thank you.

You should post something on that door, man.

Mister.

[person singing]

AINE: Oh my God.

[Shona sighs]

[door thuds shut]

[distant singing and muttering]

AINE: Come here to me.

You're not going to rape me, are you?

PATRICK: Ah, no. I wish!

[Aine and Patrick laugh]

AINE: Madman.

Ow! SHONA: What the fuck are you doing?

Who the fuck is that on my couch?

AINE: He's, uh, my neighbor, and he's Irish, Shona.

He's‐‐ SHONA: What? AINE: He's harmless.

SHONA: Jesus Christ! AINE: He was lost.

SHONA: Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?

‐ Shona, he wouldn't hurt a fly. ‐ Oh.

‐ And he's the only person in the world who cares about me,

and he's alone. ‐ Oh, my God.

AINE: So‐‐but if you want to kick him out

onto the street, then just do it.

SHONA: I am gonna kill you in the morning.

What would Vish say if he knew about that?

He could rape us!

‐ Vish would rape us?

‐ The man on the sofa!

‐ His name is...

Pat,

and he promised he wouldn't.

‐ I am gonna lock my door,

okay, my own fucking bedroom door

because he is drunk and you are drunk and I'm drunk.

But you are a fucking idiot, Aine.

I am so fucking angry with you right now!

[creaking]

[creaking continues, Shona sighs]

[cell phone ringing]

‐ [sighs] What?

AINE: Let me in.

[sighs]

[distant snoring]

AINE: I'm sorry, Sho.

‐ [sighs] ‐ Please, sissy wissy,

don't be angry with me.

I'm only a wittle girl.

And I really don't think he'd have sex with you

if he saw you with your retainer in.

[both laugh]

‐ It's not funny, Aine! ‐ [groans]

‐ It's so dangerous!

‐ I know, I know.

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, so sorry.

So sorry, so sorry.

Do you think Vish likes me?

‐ What? AINE: Nothing.

‐ How was the rest of the night with David, anyway?

‐ Oh my God. Bore fest.

[Shona snorts, chuckles] AINE: Never again.

So boring! [Aine laughs]

‐ I'm so glad.

[Aine sighs]

‐ Mam'll be delighted you did it, anyway.

‐ How d'you mean?

‐ That you went out with him.

She can tell the family we took our cousin out, you know.

Showed him a good time and made an effort.

‐ Shona.

‐ What?

‐ I think I'm gonna be sick.