Original subtitles

TERESA: And there's your receipt.

‐ Thank you.

Jesus, um, right.

So, um, do we‐‐do we just go or do you do a bit of a speech

or what‐‐what happens next?

‐ Well, we're sad to see Aine go. We've loved having you here.

‐ Oh, God, yeah, I've had the time of my life, Teresa.

I hope to come back as often as my schedule allows.

‐ [laughs] I'm sorry you didn't have a great time.

‐ No, I didn't expect it to be a great time, Teresa.

I'm not stupid. I just‐‐it's a lot of,

uh, Shona's money. ‐ Oh, no, don't‐‐

‐ No, I was just saying it because I think the facilities

could have been nicer like the website shows.

‐ Yeah, I know. ‐ I mean, in fairness to Aine,

when I booked her on the website,

it did make it look like

there was a Jacuzzi. ‐ Yeah.

‐ And, you know, the Jacuzzi was half how I convinced her

to come here in the first place. ‐ Yeah.

‐ You know, 'cause I said, you know, at the worst,

if she came, at least there'd be a Jacuzzi. ‐ Yeah.

‐ Of course, you know, as it turned out, it was just a picture of a‐‐

‐ Duck pond. ‐ Duck pond.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Which‐‐

‐ Well, like I said, this is not a spa.

It's a rehab facility, so we plow our money into care and therapists.

‐ Yeah, I know, but I just don't see how a Jacuzzi‐‐

‐ Or a plunge pool. ‐ Yeah, would be a bad thing for people who just needed

a bit of a boost, you know? ‐ Uh‐huh.

‐ Uh‐huh. ‐ Come on, Sho. It doesn't matter.

‐ So, any other feedback before you head off?

‐ Well, why you saying it like that?

Why are you saying feedback like that?

All businesses should appreciate feedback, okay?

I'm in business. I love feedback.

And, yeah, I do actually. And don't take it the wrong way.

‐ Oh, just leave it, Sho. ‐ No, just one second.

Also on your website you say you get all sorts of people here,

but then Aine tells me that when they were having the group therapy sessions

they mainly dealt with addiction and not with‐‐ ‐ Nervous breakdown?

‐ Oh, good. Is that what I fall under?

I‐‐I thought it was mostly B's‐‐creative type.

‐ Well, don't be sarky. ‐ I'm not being sarky. I'm being sassy.

‐ I ought to punch you in the face in a minute.

‐ I actually have some practical feedback. ‐ Oh, good.

‐ Just as regard to snacks.

So I was thinking mini bars. I'm actually being serious, Teresa.

Because one day when I was really low,

I would have happily paid double the recommended retail price to eat a Kit Kat

without everyone gawking at me.

And ideally in a fucking Jacuzzi.

I'm sorry for cursing there.

‐ That's okay.

‐ Um, can I have the car keys? ‐ Yeah.

‐ Um, yeah, thanks for everything, Teresa.

Good‐bye. ‐ Bye‐bye.

[car alarm beeps]

‐ Hey, hey! Take me with you!

‐ [laughs]

[car door closes]

SHONA: Is she, um‐‐ is she fixed?

It's just I didn't really see this coming, so...

‐ I can see you guys are close, yeah? ‐ Yeah.

Well, she's my only sister. Or brother or‐‐

‐ Well, I know this must have been a shock.

'Cause with someone like Aine we try and get them back to a place where they can care

about themselves enough to take care of themselves.

But when she got here she could hardly open her eyes,

and now she's complaining about Kit Kats.

[both laughing]

She's made of hardy stuff.

‐ Okay. ‐ Mm?

Yeah? ‐ All right.

Cool, thank you a bunch. ‐ Okay.

‐ Bye. ‐ Bye.

‐ Oh, and, um, I mean that's kind of what I meant earlier.

You know, what I said about a speech, what‐‐what you just did.

So, I don't know, next time or‐‐ I mean, this is feedback.

‐ Yeah, thanks.

LEO SOUL: ♪ Say I know about me but I don't know about you ♪

♪ Say I know about me but I don't know about you ♪

♪ I'm in such a good place... ♪

GIRL: My mom split up.

I was talking with Kim and Kourtney about this and when we might see him‐‐

‐ Right, guys, okay. So this should be easy by now, okay?

The family. We all know that Kourtney is the‐‐

ALL: Eldest.

‐ Very good, yes.

But Kim is the‐‐ Yes? ‐ Second eldest.

‐ Second eldest. Very good.

But after that then we have Khloé. Khloé is the‐‐

‐ Middle. ‐ Middle mole. Yes, fantastic.

Now, she was‐‐past tense‐‐ was the youngest, until along came‐‐

‐ Kendall and Kylie. ‐ Kendall and Kylie.

And they are the daughters‐‐ the daughters of‐‐ ‐ Kris!

‐ Kristen! Yes, very good. Give me a high five.

Lovely. Now, and Kris, who is the‐‐

‐ Mother. ‐ Mother.

Welcome, Victor. Hello, yes. Mother, fantastic.

Okay, so, uh, they are the daughters of Kris and Caitlyn.

‐ Also the mother. ‐ Is Caitlyn Jenner the mother?

Eh, I don't think that she is the mother.

‐ She's Caitlyn? ‐ She is Caitlyn.

Exactly. And that ends that chat.

‐ I‐‐I love this TV Friday. ‐ Oh, yeah.

And who doesn't love the Kardashians?

No, that was a rhetorical‐‐ not a real question.

So you can put your hands down.

‐ Um, in Romania I see Kardashians all the time.

I‐‐I have big TV.

ALL: Oh!

‐ But here Sky TV, a lot money.

Only laptop or BBC.

‐ So, Sky TV costs‐‐ you getting this down on your thing?

Costs too much money. Mm‐hmm.

‐ Rent costs too much money.

AINE: Yes, rent costs too much money.

And, guys, listen. I know it can be tough. It can be tough.

But you know what? Love costs nothing.

Aww, love costs zero pounds.

‐ And I love you. ‐ And we love you.

‐ Oh, stop it. You guys are breaking my heart.

Right, um, fill out all of those worksheets by Monday, though,

or I will Brexit the lot of you.

It's a weekend! Give yourself a round of applause!

It's the weekend! It's the weekend!

‐ You been a professional in here?

AINE: Oh, yes, very much so.

Actually, Moe, can you take out those plugs?

I've spilled water all over the sockets, so just be careful.

‐ No, Moe, don't‐‐don't touch that socket if it's wet.

‐ Aine‐‐ ‐ I'm joking.

It's one of my little jokes for you.

FUSE: ♪ It's Fuse ♪

♪ Tiffany ♪

[Fuse ODG feat. Tiffany's "Azonto"]

♪ ♪

♪ Nobody wanna see you rising ♪

‐ Hi, Emma. Aine here.

I'm just wondering what to bring for dinner tonight.

I'm thinking pavlova or a bag of Ketamine.

I'm super psyched to meet all your friends. [phone beeps]

You are literally just texting me as I talk to you on the phone.

"Sophie being weird about people she doesn't know coming.

Don't think I can bring you along anymore."

Oh, yeah, that is totally fine.

Eh, I totally get that.

Um, uh, you know, I have loads of other things to do anyways.

Yeah, I'll just eat the pavlova and Ketamine myself.

Eh, have a great night. Bye.

[phone beeps]

[Spanish guitar music]

♪ ♪

SHONA: Hi, you've reached Shona's voicemail. Leave a message.

‐ [exaggerated accent] Uh, hello, Shona.

It's me, Dr. Mauregs Barron from the STD clinic.

I'm ringing with your test results.

Unfortunately, um, confirming our worst fears.

You're fanny is rotten from the inside out,

so we're going to have to remove it.

Uh‐‐ [normal voice] Hi, it's me. What are you doing tonight?

Uh, ring back when you get this. Okay, bye.

[phone beeps]

[phone trilling]

ASSISTANT: Alternate Psychotherapy.

‐ Eh, hi. Could I speak to Helen, please?

ASSISTANT: Are you a patient or family?

‐ Um, patient.

ASSISTANT: Then I'm afraid she's not free right now.

Do you want to schedule a call for next week?

‐ Uh, could I just not speak

to someone‐‐Helen‐‐now?

Uh, just 'cause I've, um‐‐

I've just shoplifted a smoothie so I'm feeling a bit‐‐

actually, could I speak to Helen about this rather than you?

ASSISTANT: We can schedule a call for next week.

‐ No, 'cause I‐‐what if I was about to kill myself?

ASSISTANT: Are you?

‐ W‐‐would that get me through to Helen if I said I was?

ASSISTANT: No. As I said, she's not available.

‐ Thanks for nothing. Bye. [phone beeps]

[J Balvin & Willy William's "Mi Gente"]

♪ ♪

J Balvin: ♪ Si el ritmo te lleva a mover la cabeza ya empezamos como es ♪

♪ Mi música no discrimina a nadie así que vamos a romper ♪

‐ Hey‐ya. ‐ VISH: Hi, you okay? What are you doing here?

‐ What am I doing here? Uh, stop flirting with me, Vish.

You're my sister's boyfriend.

‐ All right, look, she is five minutes behind me, okay?

‐ So don't make her late. ‐ Is that you, Aine?

‐ [weakly] "No, it's your elderly neighbor, Mildred."

‐ Psst, hey, that is a sourdough

I have proving under a tea towel.

It is my little newborn so don't poke it.

‐ I will not make her late and I will not poke your sourdough.

‐ VISH: I love you! ‐ See you in five.

VISH: Please don't be late.

‐ Hey, the homeless man at the front

of your building's nice. Did you get my voicemail?

‐ No, and I just got your text. Why, what's wrong?

AINE: Oh, no, just listen to it. It's really funny.

‐ I'm not gonna listen to it. I'm in a rush.

You know I have that party tonight, the dinner party.

‐ Eh, no. ‐ Oh, no. Why, what happened?

‐ Oh, no, it's‐‐it's just turned into, like, a pub thing later.

‐ Ah, well, that's more fun probably.

‐ Yeah. SHONA: Chance to meet new people.

‐ Mm‐hmm.

SHONA: Vish reckons he makes 200 quid a day out there.

‐ Who?

‐ Who? Homeless guy.

Don't eat that fruit salad. It's Vish's breakfast.

God, Vish is driving me nuts right now.

He just keeps alluding to moving in, you know? But in a sneaky way.

Like, he makes his sourdough here.

But he says the butter fritz in his house, you know?

‐ Oh, that's so sneaky.

Imagine loving you so much that he'd want you to live

in his mah‐ssive house rent‐free.

‐ And anyway, you know, if I move in, then what next?

We either break up or get married.

‐ God, I wish you guys would get married

so I could do my hilarious best man speech.

Honestly, my opening gag is‐‐ [mimics kissing]

‐ What's your opening gag?

‐ Oh, I'm not gonna tell you 'cause I want the look

on your face on the day to be real.

‐ Right, well, I've no interest in marriage

so you may as well tell me now.

‐ Shona, don't say that.

If you don't get married, I can't get married

because it's bad luck and unnatural

for the younger sister to wed before the elder.

‐ Stop talking about it now, okay? 'Cause I'm getting stressed.

Will you do my back? I'm in a rush.

‐ No, last time I did this one my hands were brown for two days.

‐ Just do it. It's wash‐off.

What were you doing in Green Park the other night?

‐ Shona! ‐ Ow!

‐ I'll unmatch you on Find My Phone

if you don't stop stalking me.

You're like a creepy uncle.

‐ I'm not stalking you.

I'm just checking where you are

so I can sleep at night.

What were you doing there? Can you just do it a bit gentler?

It's gonna smear.

‐ Oh, I, uh‐‐I went for a walk.

‐ At 10:00 p. m. at night? ‐ Yes, after the cinema.

SHONA: Oh, okay. Who'd you go to the cinema with?

‐ No one, Sho. Who would I have to go to the cinema with?

‐ Oh, Aine, don't say that. That just makes me sad.

‐ Yeah, well, it's true, isn't it?

‐ I'll go to the cinema with you.

What did you see?

‐ I saw, uh, a big porno with loads of young lads

riding the hos off each other.

‐ No, just don't go walking around at night on your own, okay?

It stresses me out. You'll get raped or murdered.

‐ Chance it'd be a fine thing. ‐ Jesus‐‐

‐ Oh, no, I know that's too dark. ‐ Why would you say that?

‐ So sorry, I shouldn't have said that. ‐ Touch wood.

‐ Touch wood.

Oh, Sho. ‐ What?

‐ You just got‐‐you just got like a little spot.

Can I pop it? ‐ No, you cannot pop it.

‐ No, I don't want to, but what if someone sees your back

tonight and vomits?

‐ Oh, Jesus. Okay, then.

Ow! Fucking hell! ‐ Oh! Oh, God, sorry.

That's disgusting. ‐ Don't wipe it on my bedding.

‐ What‐‐I'll wipe it on your back then.

‐ Okay, you can go now.

[silly voice] Thank you, master.

‐ [laughs] Don't make me laugh. I'll sweat.

‐ Are you okay?

‐ Oh, my God, what are you wearing?

‐ What? ‐ Where'd you get that?

‐ Forever 21.

‐ Well, that's a bit of fucking irony

if I ever heard it. ‐ Oh, is it awful?

I thought I looked kind of Wonder Woman‐y.

‐ Ah, no. It's just a bit...

prostitute‐y.

‐ Aine! ‐ [mockingly] Shona.

What, you got a sweatshop full of clothes.

Why don't you wear something from that?

‐ No, I don't.

I look old and awful

and I have nothin' to wear.

What are you wearing under your cardigan?

‐ My black leather mini.

‐ Literally just help yourself

to anything that's on there, okay?

Except for the dry‐cleaning stuff.

Oh, and the white dress.

What time you headin' out?

‐ Uh, they're gonna text me soon.

‐ Oh?

‐ Yeah, but I'll probably just scoot

straight after you.

‐ You okay?

‐ Yeah, I'm grand. I'm grand. Yeah, course.

‐ Because you can come to this thing with me if you want.

‐ No. You're mad.

You donut. Imagine me at an event with all the suits.

Oh, hey, listen. Can I show you my thing?

Oh, honey, I gotta head out‐‐ ‐ No, no, wait.

Just wait a second. Look‐‐look at this.

‐ Show me.

SINGER: ♪ I'm sorry ♪

♪ I'm not the most pretty ♪

♪ I will never ever ♪

♪ Sing like Whitney ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ But I still wanna dance with somebody ♪

SHONA: [laughing]

SINGER: ♪ So lets let all hearts bleed ♪

‐ Okay, yes, great. Brilliant.

Very good! ‐ Like it? Funny?

SHONA: Go out. It's the weekend.

Have fun. ‐ Yes.

♪ ♪

SINGER: ♪ No, I don't wanna play the part ♪

♪ I just wanna dance with somebody ♪

♪ I just wanna dance with somebody ♪

♪ I just wanna dance with somebody ♪

♪ I just wanna dance with somebody ♪

♪ It could be anybody ♪

♪ Tell me, are you that somebody? ♪

♪ Don't matter who you are ♪

♪ Just love me the way I are ♪

♪ I just wanna dance with somebody ♪

♪ I just wanna dance with somebody ♪

‐ [breathing shakily]

SINGER: ♪ I'm sorry ♪

♪ That my lyrics ain't cool ♪

‐ [breathing hard, muttering]

[indistinct chatter]

‐ For fuck's sake, Aine. Why haven't you left yet?

‐ Shona.

‐ Oh, hey. Hi, Charlotte.

‐ Are you okay? ‐ Yeah, sorry. Distracted.

‐ Oh. The way you looked at me,

I thought I made an Irish name mistake.

‐ Oh, listen. I'll answer to any Irish name.

Siobhán. ‐ Sorcha?

‐ Yeah, I mean,

I've turned around for Seamus before.

‐ Well, I'm glad you're here.

I thought I was gonna be the only womb present.

‐ Yeah, God, me too.

‐ You coming in?

‐ Um. Yeah.

God, I can smell the Lynx Africa already.

‐ See, I knew Aine was going to make you late.

‐ There they are. The power ladies of finance.

‐ Freddie. I knew you'd turn up for a night free drink.

‐ I just hope that we can squeeze some juice

out of these wealthy lemons.

[both chuckle]

‐ How's Aine, Sho?

‐ Yeah, she's absolutely fantastic.

‐ Hey, Sho, so we have one woman

and three brown people up there

out of 150 so it's like Christmas.

Sho and I have this game where we drink a shot every time

we see a brown person or a woman working in finance.

‐ It's a shit drinking game though 'cause you stay really sober.

‐ Does that make me a double threat though?

‐ Oh, yeah. ‐ Oh. Yeah!

So you would be two tequilas. ‐ Oh.

‐ Yeah, and I'm obviously minus points.

‐ Yeah, you are.

‐ Right, well, uh‐‐yeah, let's get in this.

See what juice we can squeeze out of these wealthy lemons.

‐ Oh, my God, you already said that, mate.

‐ What's going on? ‐ I just don't know where she‐‐

She's gone home. I don't know why she's gone home.

Getting changed or something.

What are you doing?

‐ Just be here, all right? ‐ Gimme‐‐

‐ She's fine. She's with her friends.

She's making new friends. ‐ I am here.

‐ Just chill. ‐ I am chi‐‐

I'll see you up there.

Why are you hanging out with Freddie

for anyway, you Judas?

‐ Judas? He's part of the group.

‐ Well, don't tell Aine. ‐ I won't tell Aine.

I will tell her how sexy her sister looks tonight.

‐ Aw, thanks, hon.

It's Aine's skirt. ‐ Ew.

[distant laughter, dog barks]

‐ Oh, God, fucking Jesus. ‐ No, just me. Hello, sunshine.

‐ Hello. Hi. God, Bradley, where you off to?

‐ Oh, I'm just gonna go meet Emma.

Oh, sorry about all the laundry.

I ended up doing other stuff.

‐ Oh, God, that's so cute.

‐ Wow. ‐ What‐‐oh.

‐ Have you been to the gym?

‐ Sorry, no, my sister took my skirt.

‐ Oh. All right. Gotta go.

‐ Yeah, okay. Have fun.

[door slams]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[banging] TOM: Police! Open up!

AINE: Oh. [chuckles]

Oh, no, I thought it was gonna be

that stripper I ordered.

[both laugh] Hi. Hi.

Hi. Yeah. ‐ Good to see ya.

‐ God, it's weird to see you in the real world.

You do look well out of tracksuit bottoms though.

‐ Been watching "Queer Eye," hadn't I?

‐ I love it. I love it.

TOM: Yeah? What you rate that? ‐ Yeah.

I think you look like a male model.

[both laugh]

‐ So, uh, you still drinking, are ya?

‐ Oh, yeah, yeah, but, um, you know,

my problem wasn't that I was drinking, Tom.

It was that I was...too much of a fuckin' legend!

Oh. Will you take these over to the couch?

‐ Uh, yeah.

Yeah, all right. ‐ Yeah. After you, my lady.

‐ I got called a gay knobber the other day by me best friend

just for watching the football with an orange juice.

‐ You should just go watch the football

in a Starbucks or something, you know?

‐ Oh, yeah. Shout "Who are ya?

Who are ya? Who are ya?"

Over a muckerfuckin' latte?

[both laugh]

‐ I never get that "Who are ya."

It's like, "Who are ya‐‐" Are you supposed to answer?

Like, "I'm Aine!" [laughs]

Ah. ‐ [chuckles]

‐ [stammers]

What's going on here?

[singer singing in Spanish]

♪ ♪

[both moan]

[song fades]

‐ I know. They're a bunch of two lovely melons.

TOM: Oh, jeez.

We shouldn't do this, Aine. ‐ What?

‐ You know we don't fancy each other.

‐ No, I don't know that, no.

‐ Look, you got crackin' boobs but...

Think what Teresa said.

You know, one year of celibacy‐‐

‐ Oh, no, fuck celibacy. Don't be si‐‐

‐ No, no. No. Don't you get it?

I'm trying to fucking respect you hear, you mug.

‐ God! Could you not have respected me after we had sex?

‐ Oh, come on. You know this is a bad idea.

‐ Oh, God. Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, yes, I know, I know, I know, Tom.

I know it all, but, God, do you ever just wanna feel something

for five fucking minutes. ‐ Of course I do.

I just don't want us set each other off or anything.

Shit.

They really are crackin' boobs.

‐ I know.

‐ I'm sorry, babes.

I‐‐you're gonna thank me for this in the morning.

‐ No, I will not thank you for this in the morning, Tom.

What? What, what's wrong?

Do you wanna give it another go?

‐ No. The thing is, the, um‐‐

is that the trains.

‐ Oh, Jesus on a stick.

‐ [snoring]

[snoring]

[breezy percussive music]

‐ [sighs]

♪ ♪

CHARLOTTE: I always thought Vish was American.

SHONA: Oh, God, no. He just spent ages in New York

and a bit of time in Hong Kong.

‐ Oh, I thought I detected Hong Kong‐nese.

I'm so glad you're here.

I hate going out normally,

but it has given my cat a chance to miss me.

‐ I can't imagine you as a cat, um‐‐

‐ La‐‐a cat lady? Is that what you're calling me?

Unbelievable.

Somewhere else you need to be?

‐ Oh, shit. Sorry. That's so rude.

Um, no, my sister, uh‐‐

Don't want to bore you with my personal life.

‐ Please. I spent most of the day on my own eating noodles.

‐ Yeah? Is that your cat's name?

[chuckles] No, um,

Freddie's actually my sister's ex.

‐ Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Well, you know‐‐you know Helen

who we were talking to inside?

‐ Oh, yeah. Bit of a dullard.

‐ She's my ex. [laughs]

‐ Is she? So sorry.

Though in fairness...

‐ Yeah, she is a dullard.

‐ Well, sorry if I made it awkward earlier,

but, uh, I wasn't in the mood to pretend I like Freddie.

Oh, shit, Aine.

Um, do you know what, I'm gonna have to skidaddle.

Sorry to leave you at the frat party on your own.

‐ No, go, go, go, um, but can we hang out again?

‐ Yeah. ‐ Is that uncool to ask?

‐ No. God no, I'd love that.

We can be mean girls and bitch about everyone

who isn't us.

I'll see ya. ‐ See ya.

‐ Stop stalking me.

‐ Don't go walking on your own

in the park at night, Aine.

Come here.

I knew you weren't feelin' right.

‐ [scoffs] Ugh.

I'm grand. [sniffles]

And a crack addict just told me I looked thin so you know.

‐ That's nice. ‐ Yeah.

‐ Take it where you can get it.

‐ Did you leave the party early?

‐ No, no. It's over.

‐ Anyone interesting there?

‐ No.

‐ Oh, do you wanna see some dogs

who look like celebrities?

‐ Of course. ‐ Yeah.

So funny.

Wait till you see this.

Look, that's Richard Gere. ‐ Oh, yeah.

‐ Yeah. [laughs]

‐ That one's‐‐ ‐ Oh, that's Geri Halliwell

‐ Yes! Geri Halliwell.

Yeah. [laughs]

That lad I actually think looks like you.

[laughing] Just look at it.

‐ Asshole, that doesn't look like me.

It's a fucking pug. ‐ Exactly.

Look at its short forehead. ‐ No.

‐ That's‐‐that's Nicolas Cage.

‐ Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, that's fucking amazing.

Show that again.

[both laugh]

Oh, wow.

That's brilliant.

‐ You know, I think I fancy that dog

more than I fancy actual Nicolas Cage.

SINGER: ♪ We should be dancing ♪

Heh, right.

♪ Yah! ♪ [indistinct singing]

♪ We should be, we should be ♪

♪ Dancing ♪

♪ Left foot, right foot, let's go ♪

♪ Come on! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ We should be dancing ♪

♪ We should be dancing ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Right foot ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ I see you standing ♪

♪ But we should be dancing together like ♪