All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.S05E21

Growing up,
I was obsessed
with Mel Brooks.

He was a true comedic genius
who mastered the movie parody.

Naturally, my favorite
was Spaceballs,

a brilliant satire
of Star Wars,

led by the legendary
Rick Moranis.

He introduced the galaxy's
most bumbling Darth Vader,

aptly named Dark Helmet.

I can't breathe in this thing!

but I made sure
I looked the part, too.

This was a weekend
well spent.

Seriously, how am I
not the most
popular guy at school?

That's what I keep asking kids
when I go to pick you up.

Mystery solved.

Like any true fan,
I made it my mission

to start a Mel Brooks club,

and nothing would stand
in my way.

No.
This is crazy.

Every week,
I come in here trying
to get a new club going,

and you always
shut me down.

How can you say no
to a school-sponsored
Mel Brooks Appreciation Club?

Let's just add it
to the list.

The Ed Grimley Club,
the Q-Bert Club,

the Garbage Pail Kids Kids,
The Highlander Society.

But guess what, no one joined
those clubs except for you.

To be fair,
there can be only one.

See what I did there?
No.

No one knows
what you're talking about.

And that's why we need
my club.

To educate people
on awesome things.

Fine. But you need to have
at least three members,

and one
has to be a girl.

Jackie! Huge news!

My freshly-minted
Mel Brooks Club needs
a Princess Vespa.

I would love to,
but I'm swamped
with the school paper.

Damn it. This is gonna be
harder than I thought.

I have no choice but to comb
the hallways for members.

I love how confident you are
in your bad jokes.

I'll join
your Spacenuts Club,

but only if I can be treasurer
and hold all the money,

which will go missing,
along with that big-ass comb.

Just take the comb.

Yes. I'm gonna
do so many things.

* I'm twisted up inside

* But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

* I don't know the future

* But the past keeps getting
clearer every day

It was May 9th,
1980-something,

and my sister had decided
to drop out of college

to pursue music full time
with her best gal pals.

Seriously,
dropping out of college

to start the world's greatest
girl band

was, like, the best idea
we've ever had.

I know. It feels so good to
finally be free of this prison

where we have to learn stuff
and party all weekend
and wake up at noon.

Honestly, it was like
a weight was lifted

after I told my dad
I left fashion school.

So it went well?
No, he cried.

Like an ugly cry,
where you gulp for air.

Well, my dad said I'm cut off
and can't ever move back.

Which reminds me,
I'm homeless and scared.

Don't worry.

We'll get a place in Philly
and live together

so we can practice
and get in nasty fights
that'll fuel our songwriting.

So, your parents are actually
on board with this?

My parents get it.

They will... When I tell them.

What?
You, like, suck.

Relax. My plan's always been
to tell them face-to-face

when they come up
for parents' weekend.

Enough stalling!
You, like, suck!

Today's the day!
You're right.

The moment
they step on campus,
I'm dropping the bomb.

Schmoopie!
Kiddo!

Hey!
Sorry, can't do it.

Howdy, girls.
Yeah, hello, hello, hello.

Let's just go to your room.
I gotta sit down.

You just sat
for the last three hours.

Driving isn't sitting!

Take me to your dorm.

You know what?
Who wants to sit
in a lame dorm

when it's parents' weekend?

There's a faculty mixer

and Frisbee golf in the quad.

There's even
an improv show!

Wouldn't mind sharing a few
laughs with Yuk Yuk Goose.

Oh, no, forget it.

Well, time for a tour!

Come on.
Let's go this way.

So sorry.

You have to tell them!
You're a traitor.

Okay, come on!

As Erica stalled
on breaking the news,

things were revving up
at our school paper.

Okay, guys,
no more fluff pieces.

I want hard-hitting stories,
shocking exposes,

and fiery op-eds.
What do you got?

The price of tater tots in
the cafeteria has skyrocketed.

Where's all
that extra dough going?

Good! Follow the money!
Next!

I can tackle the
recent scandal in
Coach Mellor's health class.

Hey, nobody told me
I had to do a whole unit
on weenies!

Anyone else?
Hey

It's me.
Sorry to intrude.

Goldfarb!
Hit the bricks.

This is
newspaper staff only.

Actually, I've got something
super important

and need to get
the word out.

You're thinking
of joining the paper?

Just hoping you'd print this
on the back page,

along with the ads
and word jumble.

Oh, my God!
Adam, this is fantastic!

Look, you guys!
This is exactly
what this paper needs,

a political cartoonist!

Uh, whuzzanuh?
Oh, man!

He's using Darth Vader
as a commentary

on Reagan's destruction
of our environment!

We are not printing
this smear piece, commie!

Ronald Reagan's
an American hero,

and he created
the Presidential
Physical Fitness Test

with his bare hands!

Uh, I feel like I should have
been a little bit clearer

on the information
I was trying to convey.

Oh, we're printing this,
Coach.

It's called
freedom of the press.

I do love freedom.

Damn it!
You can proceed!

You did it, buddy!
Did I?

I had no idea that you cared
about any of this stuff,

but I'm so glad to know
that you do.

Turns out,
my girlfriend had been
waiting for me

to show my passion
for politics.

Just one problem...
I had none.

Since when are you
political, bro?

Since never, Dave Kim!

That was an ad
for my Mel Brooks Club.

I've always been aggressively
non-political,

mostly 'cause it's boring
and bums me out.

That makes way more sense.

It's fine.

It's a stupid cartoon
in the back of a paper.

No one will even notice.

**

This is very noticeable.

And so my love of Mel Brooks
had been mistaken
as a political statement.

Oh, balls!

Or, in my case, Spaceballs.

But that day, things were
even worse for Erica.

They have
cocktail shrimp on ice
and tiny corns on the cob.

Ooh, I feel like
such a fancy academic.

Well, I'm gonna get back
some of that tuition money
in shrimp.

Ooh!
You take your time.

Chew slowly.

Let's talk now
while Dad's feeding.

And remember,
we are in public,

which means you can't
freak out on me.

Boopie, what's wrong?
Nothing.

I actually have really
great news, which is...

I'm dropping out of
college to start a girl
band with my friends.

I just remembered
I don't wanna be
here for this.

No, you stay!

I need you here supporting me
on this like you always do.

But you know who
believes in me
more than anyone?

My mama.

Right?

You're gonna kill
your father.

No, don't do your whole
I'm-killing-Dad guilt routine!

You're gonna kill your father
dead right where he stands.

Mom, this is my dream
in life.

So it's your dream
to kill your father dead
with your bad decisions?

That's your big dream?

Pops, I really
need you here, man.

You just killed your father.

What are you doing?

You gotta support me
like you always do.

You want me to support you
killing your father?

Bevy, put this
in your food purse.

Erica's ditching college
to form a band.

No.
Well, look at that.

Dad's still alive
and oddly calm,

considering
I'm dropping out.

The reason I'm so calm
is because it's not happening,
moron.

I was a deadbeat loser
before college.

It turned my life around.

And dropping out was
the biggest regret of my life.

I could have been a lawyer.

She could have been
a lawyer!

And I didn't
because no college!

It's like you're trying
to kill me dead
right where I stand!

This is a disaster!

I could have been a lawyer!

She could have been
a lawyer!

So much for not
screaming in public.

Yep, my parents
hadn't taken
Erica's news well.

Meanwhile, I was doing
everything I could
to stay out of the headlines.

No kids
in the teachers' lounge.

This is where we go
to be regular people.

I... I need a place
to hide out.

People are trying
to engage me
about politics.

You?
Please just let me in.

Trust me,
nobody reads that paper.

Yo, Goldnerd!

What's with this leftist load
of crap you put in the paper?

Oh, no,
you've pissed off

the self-righteous
Alex P. Keaton Club!

Okay, there's been a little
misunderstanding here.

See, this president's
from the movies.

Don't belittle Reagan
'cause his humble roots
are in acting.

The Gipper rules!

Yo, Ad! Awesome the way
you slammed Reagan!

We really are living
in the Empire!

Oh, no! You've also attracted
the whining liberal Democrats!

Back off, Dave Sirota.

There's no free handouts
for you
and your lefty leeches.

Says the dude who supports
a jelly-bean lover
out to destroy the planet.

It's a smear campaign.

It is not.
It's genius.

This paper is biased.

Oh, meet your
stupid president!

Okay, enough!

This is a Quaker school,
not the Senate floor.

All right, come on, guys.
Let's get to class.

Quick,
hide in the teachers' lounge.

But plug your nose.
Someone heated up
crab rangoon.

Adam!
Can you believe it?

Everyone either hates
or loves you.

You're so badass
and polarizing.

Classic me doing
me stuff, right?

I even showed your cartoon
to my parents,

and guess what... They wanna
have you over for dinner.

Dinner with Lynn
and Vinny?

That's a huge deal.

Wait. You haven't met
her parents yet?

What's the deal
with that?

Actually, I was kinda
wondering that myself.

Mmm, no, Adam,
you did meet my parents.

You guys had a nice chat
after the musical.

You mean when I was
dressed like Rum Tum Tugger
from Cats?

Oh, I see what this is.

They think you're a dweeb,
and Jackie doesn't wanna
prove them right.

I'm sure
that's not it at all.

No, he's right.

My parents were hippies
at Queens College,

and my dad was arrested
protesting the war.

Hmm, I thought that only
happened in the movies.

Look, I was worried
that you guys

wouldn't have anything
to talk about over dinner,

but this cartoon
changes everything.

Yes! I... I can't wait
to show your parents

just how much I know
about politics.

You could bring all of
your drawings over for dinner

and impress them
all over again.

What a lovely evening.

Ohh, balls.

Or, again,
in my case, Spaceballs.

Yep, Erica was dropping out.

That is,
until my mom decided
to fix it.

Okay, okay,
no need to panic.

I will just do my
mama thing and threaten
whoever's responsible.

Mom, this isn't high school.
There's no way to fix this.

Trust me,
Mama can fix anything.

I don't even have books
or a meal plan anymore.

I cashed it all in
to fund our band's demo.

Mama can fix that.
But I don't even have
a room next year!

Mama can fix that.
I skipped the housing lotto
for a gig in New York.

Mama can fix it.

I also skipped finals,
which isn't ideal

because I'm already
on academic probation,

which means
I'm more failing out
than dropping out.

Mama can fix...

I also never wear flip-flops
in the shower,

so my feet
are not good.

Oh, for sake,
Erica!

You have purposely
made this unfixable!

I'll fix it.

Fix it how?

How is he moving so fast
on a bad foot?

Your father's
been activated.

It's a combo of aggravation,
frustration, and rage

so powerful it makes
him the most determined
man on the planet.

Look at him go!

ERICA: How is he across
the quad already?

Is he climbing stairs?

He's climbing stairs two at
a time, and without a rail.

Even stairs can't stop him
when he's activated.

As my activated
dad went to fix
Erica's bad decisions,

I was starting my career
as an activist.

Hey, guys? Sorry to interrupt
your Tetris- ing,

but I'm trying my hand
at political satire,

and I could really use
a little feedback.

What you got?
Okay, so, my first one's
all about

how people
protest injustice.

So then I thought,
"You know who's
really got it bad? Pizza."

And you know who's always
eating pizza?

The Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles.

So, the slices, like,
rise up in protest.

Oh, this is good.

I knew it.
This is real good.

Uh, what...
What is this for,
exactly?

I'm having dinner
with Jackie's parents

and have to show them
that I'm a smart guy

who knows stuff
about the world
and politics and junk.

Oh, boy.

You're gonna need
some others.

For sure!
See, here we got lasagna
protesting Garfield.

'Cause he loves lasagna.
Slam dunk, dude.

Um, do you have
any different concepts

aside from a food protesting
the thing that eats it?

No, but I do have this.

That's Baby Ruth
picketing Sloth
from The Goonies.

This is the one!

You for sure show this
to Jackie's parents!

Please don't.
Kudos.

No, my point is,
you got to watch the news,
read the paper,

be able to discuss things
that aren't The Goonies.

He's not getting it, Adam.
Let me explain.

See, Sloth eats Baby Ruths,
like, all the time.

I get it.
Do you?

'Cause an entire line
of candy dies out,

and you just want them
to sit there and take it!

Keep sticking your head
in the sand, sheep!

If Sloth is left unchecked,
there are no more Baby Ruths!

How are you
not getting this?

I do get it.
Do you?

Yeah, you should probably
teach me some of the basics.

Yeah.

**

Um, why is all our stuff
back here?

Erica's father's
been activated, sweetie.

This is crazy!

Dad's been gone
for 45 minutes!

How on Earth can one person
do so much so fast?

That's what happens
when a father gets activated.

Stop saying "activated"
like it's a thing.

Clearly, it is.
All our stuff's
back here. How?

Murray sweet-talked
the head of the housing
office,

then got a bunch of
hacky-sacking kids

to bring everything back
for a plate of nachos.

But Erica dropped
all her classes.

Then he went to the registrar,
lobbed a few threats,

greased a few palms,
and... Boom...

Your class schedule
for the next year.

But I failed out.

The dean literally
asked me to leave.

Then he saw the dean
and begged and pleaded

and even
shed a few tears.

You cried?
I did what I had to do.

So, what, you just want me
to give up on my dream?

Trust me,
I know from experience
you have to see this through.

It's too important.

I'm gonna take a nap.

Please, just listen
to our first song.

I know you'll see that this
is what I'm meant to do.

Gross.

How are you
already asleep?

Your father's been
deactivated, sweetie.

He won't wake for another
two to sixteen hours.

His feet are
on your pillow.

* I'm just a bill,
yes, I'm only a bill *

Schoolhouse Rock!
This is perfect!

That piece of paper
has a little briefcase
like a human!

I totally get politics now.

You really should read
The New York Times,

but I think
this is more your speed.

Armed with
political knowledge,

I took on dinner
with Jackie and her parents.

No, all I'm saying is

I didn't get arrested
for protesting
at Queens College

to have the country
run like this.

If we did it your way,
we'd never get anything done.

Guys, behave.

No, I actually agree.

Sometimes a bill
just waits around

on those Capitol Hill
steps forever.

My point exactly, Adam.

These things take time.
Tell him.

Tell her, Adam.

Tell her what happens
when a bill just languishes.

Uh, yes,
what does happen next?

Uh...

* I'm just a bill

* Yes, I'm only a bill

Adam?

* And I'm sitting here
on Capitol Hill *

Is that
Schoolhouse Rock?

No.

'Cause it sounds like
Schoolhouse Rock.
Does it?

Yes, it sounds like you don't
know about basic government,

so you're singing
Schoolhouse Rock
to remind yourself.

No.

It's, uh, no.

Hey, you know
what would be fun?

Adam, why don't you show us
some new cartoons

that you made
for the paper?

Maybe after dinner?

Listen,
you wanna stir things up
with your drawing?

You should hit
Star Wars.

Vinny, stop.
Last thing Adam needs
is to hear

you rant about Star Wars
and overblown budgets.

By pure fate,
the conversation
suddenly pivoted

to the one topic that I could
debate like a pro.

No, no, no.

I promise you I can convince
anyone to love Star Wars.

All right, I can see you're
a man of passion, like myself.

Convince me.

Unfortunately,
Jackie's parents
were arguing about

this defense system from the
'80s nicknamed Star Wars.

I only knew about
the other one.

Look!
It's Han and Chewie!

They came back
to help the rebels!

'Cause what's more important
than space money?

Friendship.

Do or do not.
There is no try.

Never
underestimate tiny bears!

Open the blast doors!
Open the blast doors!

While IG-88 didn't play
a huge role in the movie,

he did get his own
action figure.

See? It shows that everyone
in the galaxy is important.

Oh, no!
They're dying, R2!

And Luke's all, "Aah!"

And then Vader
chucks the Emperor
down the reactor chute,

and we realize
there's still good in us!

And that, my friends,
is why Star Wars is the best.

They're talking about
a missile-defense system.

**

Good stuff.

That night,
Jackie's parents
saw the real me.

And the next morning, the real
me had some explaining to do.

Yeah, we gotta talk
about last night.

Oh, is that whole thing
still on everyone's mind?

Adam, what happened
to the guy who drew
that political cartoon?

Jackie,
that guy doesn't exist.

He never has.

It was just a flier
for my Mel Brooks Club.

So, you lied to me?

Of course I did.

You looked
so relieved and happy

when you thought I was
Mr. Politics Man.

Adam,
you don't have to pretend
to be somebody you're not

just to make me happy.

You admitted that I was
too embarrassing
to meet your parents!

No, that's not
how I meant it.

No, it is.

Look, I tried to be political,
and I sucked.

But when I'm not political,
I'm just not good enough.

So I can't win
no matter who I am.

**

my work was still
being boycotted.

Hey!
Goldnerd!

Oh, man, now what?

You and me, bro.

Lunchroom debate
on foreign policy...

Lincoln-Douglas style,
no moderator.

Lincoln who?
What's happening?

Oh, you are so on!

Goldberg's gonna
tear you apart!

I'm not debating anyone!

Let me say this once
and for all.

My drawing was
about the bumbling president
from Spaceballs!

Damn right!

Reagan's bumbled his way
through his whole presidency.

And that is exactly
why I hate politics!

There is no debate
with you people.

You've just made up your mind
and refuse to listen!

So, our side wins,
then?

There is no side!

What happened next
surprised even me.

I reached down deep
and gave the greatest,

most awkward non-political
speech ever delivered.

Look,
I'm just a simple dude

who likes movies
and puppet-based sitcoms.

That's what I wanna do
with my life.

Make people happy
with clean family fun.

Yes, it's super lame.

But it also helps
bring people together!

I don't see
that happening, man.

But it can.

'Cause no matter
what side you're on,

there's one thing
we can all agree on,

and that's that Mel Brooks
is freaking hilarious!

Agreed!

He's done the finest fart work
ever committed
to the silver screen.

Gotta admit...
I do love Young Frankenstein.

but not the point.

That day, I helped everyone
find some common ground.

And I finally founded
my first club.

ERICA:
* I'm twisted up inside

* But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say

if you open up your heart
and listen.

* Don't know the future

* But the past keeps getting
clearer every day

Catchy stuff.

I know.

Doesn't mean I can let her
throw her future away.

Unless this is her future.

I just

always wanted Erica to do
what I never could
and finish college.

Dad, look at me.

My kids are all grown up,
and I'm searching
for who I am.

Last thing I want is for her
to end up like me, you know?

But Erica's not searching.

She's found
what she wants.

In that moment,
it was my mom
who got activated,

and when that happens...

...there's no stopping her.

* But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say

**

Mom, why are you back?

I listened to your song,
schmoo.

And you were right.

It's great.

And you need
to give this a shot.

But you said
that finishing college

is the only thing
that matters.

Well, this really
isn't about me.

What about Dad?
He's gonna flip.

Mama will fix it.

* Now I'm twisted up inside *

I hope.

Truth is,

it's easy to let our
differences drive us apart.

It's not so hard to remember

we all have so much in common.

Whoa!

Your club still looking
for a Princess Vespa?

What about the newspaper?

I figured I could use
a little fun.

That's why I'm with you,
you know.

Because you make me laugh.

The world could use
more people like you.

No, the world needs you.

I mean,
you inspired me so much.

I actually learned how a law
becomes a bill because of you.

Bills become laws.

We'll just listen
to the song again.

You know, our club is about
to have a little field trip.
You in?

**

My childhood in the '80s
was a magical time.

For me, it wasn't about
the president or politics.

It was about the movies
that shaped me,

the laughter we shared,

the Schwartz in all of us.

This is terrible!
Do something!

Why didn't somebody tell me
my ass was so big?

Man, the president
is such a dope!

Dude.

Chill, I'm talking
about the movie.

Seriously,
how do people not get it?

**

Now, there's a show on ABC
called The Goldbergs.

Oh, yeah.
You know, about my family.

And...

...the creator's taking heat

because they say he's
criticizing the president

when, in fact, he's cr...

He was criticizing
the president from Spaceballs.

Yeah.
Look at the hashtag!

I mean, it's...
It's very clear!

What the...

**

Dark Helmet?

Take my hand,
Adam F. Goldberg.

Join me, and together
we can rule the galaxy
as father and son.

Dude, you're not my dad.

Oh, yeah?
Then explain this!

No!

That's impossible!

I will never join you!

Oh, I see your Schwartz
has grown.

I'm in high school now.

Yeah, I was
a late bloomer myself.

Now die!

Oh! Aah!

**

What's this?
Uh, nothing.

Spaceballs II.

Oh, it's just a little script
I'm noodling with.

It's stupid.

Actually,
I'm super proud of it.

Read it if you want.
I don't care.

You know what? I'd love
to act it out for you.

And so
Pizza the Hutt says,

"Dark Helmet wins
the intergalactic ski race!"

And I'm like,
"You know it."

Then all my subjects
cheer,

and the princess is like,
"Kiss me already."

And I do.

Awesome!

I give you my word.

I will get this made.

Oh, stop.

Take my hand, Dark Helmet!

Join me, and together
we can make this sequel!

**

Ohh, my little Schmoopie's
having a bad dream.

No!
This is my nightmare!