All language subtitles for The.Competition.2018.720p.BluRay.x264-[YTS.AM]-eng

♪ I'm feeling alive ♪

♪ I'm feeling a rush ♪

♪ So energized ♪

♪ Nothing is
standing in my way ♪

♪ I'm feeling the beat ♪

♪ The beat of my heart ♪

♪ I'm feeling a spark ♪

♪ I'm feeling the flame ♪

♪ Lights up the dark ♪

♪ Now I'm shining
like the stars ♪

♪ It's something that I crave ♪

♪ I'm feeling so alive ♪

♪ Like I'm on a sugar high ♪

♪ You can start
believing if you try ♪

♪ I'm feeling so alive ♪

♪ Like I'm on a
roller coaster ride ♪

♪ Got my hands up ♪

♪ And I ain't stopping ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ I'm feeling the clouds
come down to earth ♪

♪ I'm floating around ♪

♪ Laughing so hard
that it hurts ♪

♪ It's just one of
those perfect days ♪

♪ I'm taking in it ♪

♪ I forget to breathe ♪

♪ It's bursting inside ♪

♪ So much I can't even sleep ♪

♪ I get lost in my own world ♪

♪ I'm feeling so alive ♪

♪ Like I'm on a sugar high ♪

♪ You can't stop me
even if you try ♪

♪ I'm feeling so alive ♪

♪ Like I'm on a
roller coaster ride ♪

♪ Got my hands up and
I ain't stopping ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ No one's gonna stop me ♪

♪ No one's gonna let you ♪

♪ 'Cause I feel so alive ♪

♪ So oh oh oh alive ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh... ♪

I never knew you had this
kind of wild side, honey.

Are you sure you know
what you're doing?

Absolutely, you're going
to be great at this.

Oh, here ya go!

Why aren't you strapped
to an instructor?

I'm certified, I jump solo.

Yeah?

OK?

But I'm, I'm not ready!

All right, honey,
we have to talk.

- What?
- I'm breaking up with you!

- You're what?
- It's not you it's me!

-What?! -There's an Uber

waiting for you when you land!

OK.

♪ Like I'm on a
roller coaster ride ♪

♪ Got my hands up ♪

♪ And I ain't stopping ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ No one's gonna stop me ♪

♪ No one's gonna let you ♪

♪ 'Cause I... ♪

I liked that one.

Yeah, he seemed nice.

Do you still want
to make a jump?

There's another landing
field up ahead.

Are you crazy? I could die.

Yeah, I'll be there at
6PM sharp like always.

No. Because there's never anybody
I want you to meet, Mom.

Yeah, there still
swimming, last I checked.

All right, I'll see you Sunday.

I love you too, bye-bye.

- Dinner Sunday at Mom's?
- Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry, man. You want
to come to dinner on Sunday?

Aw thanks, man, I'd love to.

So, what seismic earth shift
got your ass off the couch

and in to my office
today, buddy?

Basketball with the guys.

Oh, yeah.

Man, I can't do it,
I got to work.

-Hoops, bro. -I hear ya, I can't do it.
Look at this.

Oh, oh, who's the
little brunette

with the big guy? What
did he do, kill her?

- An assault.
- He beat her up?

- She kicked his ass, actually.
- Ha! Yeah?

Yeah, so she caught him
having sex with the neighbor.

There was an altercation, and
he's suing her for damages.

So, she hired me to make it all go away.
She still loves the guy.

She wants him back after
he boned the neighbor?

I don't know what
to tell you, man.

Sexual impulses are
strong, but sometimes,

I guess love is stronger.

Is that the Hayworth file?

It sure is.

So, you're handling
the arbitration?

Yeah, I gotcha covered.

You bet, you can head
home to the kids.

Oh!

Whoa, whoa!

Hey, honey. No, the Adderall
is in the green bottle,

it's organic.

Yeah. No, honey, it's
right next to the...

No!

That's liquid gold!

Nope, that's a goner.

Honey, you're going to
have to take some milk

out of the freezer. I
lost the afternoon load.

Sorry.

It's still warm.

I don't care. Calvin, I
need you in my office.

You can close the
door behind you.

You like it here
don't you, Calvin?

Your work has been outstanding.
Partners have noticed.

Yeah. You know, I'm surprised,

but you can actually do good
work in an oversized law firm

with hourly rates
higher than gods.

Hmm. How are the women's
rights cases going?

Mm. Just fine, great.

Still winning?

I'm undefeated. But
you knew that.

Hm. That's good.

It's really good.

Gena, why am I here?

I have a situation
that needs handling,

and I think you are just
the person for the job.

- Client?
- Blogger.

My sister, actually.

Ah-ha. The mysterious
sister you never speak of.

She was only 15
when our dad died.

Just a kid, really.
She was heartbroken.

And then... I went
off to law school...

Well, I'm sure she's fine.

She might look fine
from the outside.

She's a successful scientist
here in Portland, actually.

She writes formulas for
Fortune 500 companies.

- What kind of formulas?
- Various things.

Did you know that there is
a formula for happiness?

Yeah, it's called whiskey.

Anyway, that is all a façade.

The real Lauren is a
different person altogether.

Look at this.

The Pig Theory.

The point of
infidelity and guilt.

Gena, this is kind of awesome.

It's not awesome, it's insane.

Can you imagine the impact she's
having on these people's lives?

Not to mention her own
mental wellbeing.

They're empowering her.

She's been offered a very
lucrative book deal.

And I'm just concerned

that if she writes that book,

the girl I grew up with
will be gone forever.

So, I need you to stop her.

The blog, the book, all of it.

And how exactly

am I supposed to do that?

I don't care how you do it.

Use your powers of persuasion.

You're undefeated, right?

Women love you.

Ah...

You want me to mess with
this poor girl's head?

No, just... take her to drinks,

you know, show her that there
are good guys out there.

Guys like you.

I'm sorry, I... I can't do that.

Mm. I had a feeling
you'd say that.

So, I have an offer for you.

Do this and I will recommend

that you make partner
to the board.

Now that's cold, Gena,

you know I deserve
to make partner.

Yes, you do, and this
will guarantee it.

Tucker, Aaronson,
Mauldin & Chesney.

Has a nice ring to
it, doesn't it?

OK...

OK. I'll talk to her...

and I'll get her to
shut down the blog.

Mm.

I knew you would
see things my way.

No, no, you tell him I will make
that donation to Popular Science

and I don't want any
recognition for it.

People need their science, man.

Oh!

Whoa, whoa!

- Hey, you OK there?
- Yeah.

You mind if I take a look?

Can I have my leg back?

Yeah, sorry.

Here, let me help you up.

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

Listen, that could
be a nasty sprain.

Why don't I get you some ice.

Maybe a cup of coffee?

You know, I don't know you.

I'm sorry, but why would
I get coffee with you?

I'm Calvin.

Thanks.

I'm Lauren, by the way.

Nice to meet you.

What's-what's in
the folder there?

Uh, it's my work.
I'm a scientist,

but mainly I just work
on product improvement.

And it's a report on a
formula I was developing.

Wow, that sounds serious.

Not so much.

It's the formula for, I don't
know, the perfect pizza.

Cheese, crust, and beer.

Basically, right? Yeah.

I mean, there might be a few
more factors at play, but...

Such as?

All right, well, so
the perfect pizza

boils down to that first
perfect bite, you know?

But with these larger pizzas,

sometimes the crust can
get a little soggy,

especially in the middle,

but you can calculate
the perfect ratio

between the thickness
of the pizza's crust

and constant volume of toppings,

then you can formulate
the perfect bite.

Anyway, our client

used the formula to ad nine
grams of dough to their pizza,

and now some say it's
the perfect pizza.

Wow.

Yeah.

Well, you know what
this means, don't you?

Actually, I really don't.

It means that you have
to take me to this place

and we need to experience
this perfect pizza.

I don't know,

I should probably just...

Come on, you have to.

It's the perfect
pizza, it can't wait.

OK, OK, you're kind of
putting me on the spot here,

but all right, let's
try the pizza.

Come on, if you can walk,
you can eat pizza.

I can hobble down the
street a little bit, yeah.

All right, terrific...
perfect pizza.

You can't tell a guy
about a perfect pizza...

Come on... Do you need this?

-Yeah, thank you. -Are you
sure you trust me with this?

Wow, I gotta say, that
was a pretty good pizza.

- Pretty good.
- Pretty good.

I don't know if it's
the perfect pizza...

- Oh, I see.
- Thank you.

But it's pretty good.

I'll give it to you,
it's pretty good.

It's pretty good. OK.

Thank you. I'll
take pretty good.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Watch that ankle.

It's OK.

Well, thank you for the ice.

Yeah, thank you for the pizza.

It was great to meet you.

Great meeting you, Lauren.

Goodnight.

Hey, Lauren...

Can I see you again?

Maybe.

That's not a no.

Voodoo?

-Thank you. -You're
welcome, you're welcome.

- That's super sweet.
- It is super sweet.

- It is super sweet.
- Yeah.

- But I do love this place.
- Yeah, one at a time there.

Oh, mmmm.

Thanks.

Yeah, no, I was really
lucky to get this place.

- I moved in two years ago.
- Yeah, it's really nice.

So...

You know, you don't have
to leave right away.

You can... stay the
night if you want.

OK, um...

I'd like that.

But I can't.

Um, but I thought we were...

- I thought we had been...
- We are.

We are.

And, um...

that's why I don't want to
take this to the next level

until we've been totally
honest with each other.

I thought we had been.

I know about your blog,

the, um, Pig Theory?

Everything.

Blog? What...

Gena told me...

She's my boss.

- Did Gena put you up to this?
- No, no.

Nobody put me up to anything.

I, I saw a picture
of you on her desk

and she told me about the blog.

I... I was intrigued.

No. What about all that about
donating to Popular Science magazine.

I mean, you were
outside my office...

Just an excuse to meet you.

I didn't know you were going
to sprain your ankle,

but, um, yeah.

I mean, if you read the blog,

then why you would
want to meet me?

You intrigued me.

You still do.

Hey, come on,

this past week has
been great, right?

So, um...

maybe you show me more.

More of the real you.

OK, you want to see more?

Come up to my office.

OK.

So, as you can see,
the blog is...

kind of a big deal.

Are these all your followers?

I've got just under
two million globally.

I was even thinking about turning
the whole thing into a book.

Wow, it's impressive. It is.

And the blog's good,
too, I've read it.

But you know what
impresses me more?

The fact that you haven't
written anything since we met.

Had a full week, not one post.

It gives a guy a little hope.

You know. Hope that maybe the
Pig Slayer has met someone?

She's ready to turn over a new
leaf and shut all this down?

Shut it down?

What would I tell
all these people?

I mean, I'm sorry,
but some of them,

I've actually changed
their lives.

For example, this one.

"I asked my heart to
please stop breaking.

I prayed to God for a cure.
Then I found the Pig Slayer."

They kind of depend on me.
I can't just shut it down.

Sure, you can. What is that?

That there... B minus
C, what is all that?

That's my infidelity formula.

That's what the
theory is based on.

Your infidelity formula.

- Yeah.
- OK, explain.

OK, OK...

So all of these variables are
assigned a value of 1-10,

10 being the highest,

and you multiply boredom

by the difference between the
excitement of someone new

and the familiarity of comfort,

and you subtract from that
the fear of conflict,

added with the
opportunity to cheat,

and that final value,
if that's 20 or higher,

then that person is gonna cheat.

And as a failsafe,

you break up after six
months of dating.

Statistically speaking it's not
safe to date for longer than that.

And it works?

Well, two million
people agree with me.

It's... getting kind of late.

Um, I should feed
Ripley and go to bed.

How can you be so sure?

I mean, essentially
you are breaking up

with these people
before they cheat.

Before they have the
opportunity to cheat.

Yeah, but what if they
never would have at all?

People cheat.

All they need is the opportunity

and to know they
won't get caught.

- That's your theory?
- Yeah.

Based on a pretty kick-ass
formula, yes, that's my theory.

And you won't be
convinced otherwise?

That's just how it is

-and how it's going to be, forever?
-Yeah.

And what if I offer a way
to prove your theory wrong?

I don't see how you'd
be able to do that.

Now, hold on, you're
a scientist, right?

So, you know that a
theory is nothing more

than a theory until it's proven.

So have you actually
tested this theory?

- How could you test it?
- OK. Well, you said yourself

that everybody scores
a 20 or higher

after six months of
dating, correct?

- Yeah, correct.
- So, all we would need to do

is find a group of people who
have been in a relationship

for longer than six months,

and give them the
opportunity to cheat

without getting caught, right?

I suppose...

Now to keep a close
watch on our subjects,

they would have to be
people close to us.

Like my friends,
or your friends.

Wait, hold on. I
don't understand.

What are you proposing?

I'm suggesting that you and I

have a little competition.

- A competition?
- Mm-hmm.

I pick five of my friends
who've been in a relationship

for longer than six months,

and you pick the enchantresses

who will be their downfall.

You tempt them, you
challenge them,

you do your worst.

You pick a situation

in which you think gives them

the best opportunity to cheat,

and we will see if
they take the bait.

OK? Best three out of five wins.

OK, if three out of
five people cheat,

then you have to post on my blog

and write a forward to the book

about the competition and
how it all went down,

and admit that, yes,
my theory is correct.

OK,

but if three out of five resist,

then you've got to post
admitting you were wrong

about the whole thing, and
you gotta shut it all down.

And you have to agree
to be with me.

Like normal people,
no expiration date.

Mm.

If I win,

I get my six months with you.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, if I win, you still
post, admit defeat,

but I get my six months, and
then we end it. Agreed?

Agreed.

Goodnight, Lauren.

You're upset.

- I'm not upset.
- Yes, you are.

Your voice always rises like
three octaves when you're upset.

I'm not upset.

Now you're transgender.

Oh... First of all, how could
you embarrass me like that?

What... You...

You send some guy my
way, who doesn't even...

and why would he...?

First of all, I know
how to find a guy.

Finding them has never been
your problem, sweetie.

I don't have any problems!

You know, I really
thought he liked me.

He does, you idiot, I mean,

why else would he take part in this...
what is it,

like a competition?

Yeah. You're right. Best
three out of five wins.

Oh, I'm so gonna kick his ass.

How exactly is this
going to work?

OK, so, we have a list
of challengers, right?

And all these people have been in
relationships six months or longer,

and to prove my theory correct,

alls I have to do is...
tempt them.

Oh, my God, there's a list.

What do you know
about these people?

Everything I need to know.

Simon Walker, OK, so,
he's a preppy bartender.

The bartender at Toochies?
- Right, exactly.

Apparently, he's one
of Cal's best friends

and he's been engaged
for two years.

Now, Cal says, "Oh, he
wouldn't possibly cheat."

That's a very long engagement.

- Right?
- Who's that?

Edward Hockett.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're high school sweethearts.

Now we went to a
yoga class together,

and actually,

oh, you know, I hate to
do it to her really,

but, uh, hey, if Cal's right and
my theory is totally wrong,

then, hey, I haven't
done anything, right?

Right. But you're not
going to actually arrange

for these people to
have sex, are you?

No. OK, so,

Cal and I argued
about this, right?

And he came up
with a good point.

He said, "Well, somebody
could always back out,

or change their mind, how
are you gonna know?"

And I said, "Listen, if the
underwear have come out,

it's a done deal," so
we decided on that.

Underwear is proof.

You're going to steal
these people's underwear?

Me? No, no, no. I'm
not gonna do that.

Corina's gonna do it.

Who's Corina?

She's a devout
follower of the blog.

She's got some very interesting
things to say about men.

We have gotten close over
the last couple of years.

She... dances. Exotically.

- [GenShe's a stripper.
- Hey, don't be so judgey.

She's a person. Like you or me.

Thank you.

Thank you...

Anyway, I said she could

post a victory blog when we win.

Mm. When you win?

Mm-hmm.

Look, I'm a little
bit of an expert

in human nature, OK?
I can't lose.

OK, but what if you do?

Well, if I do, I have
to admit defeat.

I have to shut down the blog,

which means I lose my followers.

Then I have to
postpone the book,

because without a blog
there is no book.

That's a lot of think about.
You must really like him

if you're willing
to risk so much.

I don't know, I'm going to win.

Also think about it this way.

If I get the city's top
female advocate attorney

writing on my blog about the
competition and what it proves?

That book, that book
is worth the mint.

Wait, Sharon Gottlieb she
works in our office.

She is happily married,
just had a baby.

Corina is definitely
not her type.

Yeah, no, I know. He threw that in there.
But, you know what? It's fine.

The pig theory applies
to men and women alike.

We all can be pigs.
That's the whole point.

I mean, you and Mom were
a huge inspiration.

Gee, thanks.

So, how are you going
to tempt Sharon?

There's a male dancer that
works at the Caritas Club.

- Oh...
- He's down to play.

And, God, he's really hot.

Poor Sharon doesn't
stand a chance.

OK. And, uh, these
last two challengers?

Oh right, Garrett Stuckey.

Yeah, that's, um, that's
Cal's fitness instructor.

You know, he's one of these
thick, veiny-neck kind of guys.

He's been living with the aerobics
instructor for two years.

That seems like an easy one.

Yeah. That's exactly
what I think.

But, I don't know, Cal swears

he's a man of
integrity and honor.

No, he doesn't actually
talk like that.

I swear, he does.

I don't know, maybe the
competition brought out

a whole new Prince
Charming thing.

That's precious.

Gena, I've been
meaning to ask you.

So, you guys went to
law school together,

you work with him,

you've known him a
long time, he's a guy,

and you're... you.

You guys never slept
together or anything, right?

Of course not!

'Cause that would be gross.

Yes, that would.

Now who is this last challenger?

Yeah.

That's his minister.
Married guy.

Minister? That hardly seem fair.

I thought that at first
too, but, I don't know,

he's a Presbyterian minister,

so he never took the
oath of celibacy,

and I do say that, you know, the
theory applies to everyone,

so, it is fair.

Still, that seems like
kind of a long shot.

Does it, though?

OK but, how can you be
sure he's not going to

tell all of his friends before
just so that he can win?

Uh, yeah, that's a good point.

Well, I guess we'll just
have to hope that he's

a man of integrity and honor.

Good evening.

Well, it's just a
temporary shutdown.

Can't be writing on the blog

in the middle of
the competition.

Don't want to ruin the secret.

Right, Ripley?

OK...

And... I raise you two dollars.

You are so bluffing.

Kwan, you're not
even in the hand.

It's a Tae Kwon Do trick. I can read
your body, therefore, your mind.

You took Taw Kwon Do
in the third grade.

It never leaves you.

- Oh, my God, Kwan.
- Hey man,

my people have suffered a lot.

Did you know in some places you're
only allowed to have one kid?

Yeah, but you're hungry again an
hour later, all right, let's go.

Boo-yah! King high straight.

OK...

Now, don't feel too bad.
I got the brains.

But you, you got the...

I got the looks too.

Didn't even see the flush.

- No!
- Oooh!

Thank you. Thank you.

My doctor says take two of these

and call him in the morning.

Cal, tell the guys about
your new girlfriend.

The hikes, the long
walks in the park.

Yeah, guys, she's, uh,
yeah, she's pretty great.

Does she work out, bro? I mean, 'cause you
want to keep that ass high and tight,

'cause later she's going to
give up and it's going to sag.

She looks like she works out.

How about we hear about
what she's like?

Well, she's, uh, cool,
and smart and quirky.

A little bit crazy.

Hey, is she a red head?

Come on.

Man, Kimberly has been coming
to bed lately in flannels.

It's a clear message.

- Black women do
not wear flannel.

I'm still being punished from
the last time we went fishing.

You should rub her feet.

What?

I'm telling you,

Jenny loves it when
I rub her feet.

And then I run her calves,
and then I rub her knees.

- Dude!
- We get it! Thank you.

So what kind of crazy is she?

Yeah, like, Angelina Jolie
crazy or Tilda Swinton crazy?

Who the hell is Tilda Swinton?

Nah, I'd say she's probably

the Tilda crazy,

but she's got a lot
of sweetness too.

I'm telling you, this uh,
this girl's a good one.

Well, be nice to her.
I like this one.

Oh, thank you, doctor,
I plan on it.

Hey, guys. Who the
hell is Tilda Swinton?

Jesus, Garrett. Go to a movie.
Go see a movie!

You too busy?

"I'm poundin' weights! Uhh!"

Protein, reps.

Ante up, douche.

Just got off the phone with
Mom, she's pulling up now.

You know, I don't see
what the big deal is.

I mean, she's been
dating since Dad died.

Aren't you even a
little but curious?

- No.
- What if he's the one?

Gena, she already met the one.

Hello, my darlings.

I'm so sorry to
keep you waiting.

Alejandro is parking the car.

Hi, Mom.

Hey, Mom, how have you been?

I love your new... look.

Mama Mia, Bellissimo!

- It's Valentino.
- Giorgio Armani.

BonjournMy darling.

- Oh!
- Sweet.

Guys, this is Alejandro Baraza.

This is my daughter, Gena, and
my other daughter, Lauren.

Like dulcet dewdrops
dripped from a diamond.

I love it...

- I love it!
- Oh, well!

Oh! Oh. I'm so sorry!

I just must be a...

drippy, drippy dewdrop.

It's OK, it's OK...

- Let's eat.
- Hmmm.

- Right this way.
- Thank you.

So, they tell you in class

you have to switch
partners every week

so you can experience
different types of dancers.

Alejandro refused to switch.

- Of course.
- Alejandro,

if you don't mind me asking,

what was a gentleman who's
you know, your age,

doing at a senior
ballroom dance class?

I understand your curiosity,
and I will tell you right now.

I work like a dog in my shop.

He's a designer. He
makes men's suites.

- Has his own label.
- Yeah.

-Wow. -So, I was thinking
to myself and I say,

"Alejandro, you're
such a great dancer,

and your heart is
only half full.

This is not the right
way to live the life.

You must live the life with the
heart full of love, always, right?"

So, I walked into the
class, and I was ready

with the shaking of my hulo,

and sharing the
love for the dance,

and there she was, like a
beautiful ball of sunshine,

burning my poor eyes.

Amore mio.

Act your age.

And what does that mean?
"Act my age?"

Am I supposed to be at home knitting
sweaters? Does Gena act her age?

Or what about you, Lauren?
You're 30 years old.

Aren't you supposed
to be married by now

and giving me grandbabies?

I don't see that happening.

I'm very busy, all right?

Work is always crazy,
then there's my blog,

and now this book thing...

Well, we can't all be
Pig Slayers, Lauren.

How long's that been going on, anyway?
And when's that going to stop?

-I'm sure it's just a phase. -At some
point the phase becomes a reality.

And the long-ago sanity
becomes a phase.

I mean, really, none
of us Walden women

are exactly traditionalists,
but you've taken this too far.

Mom, I'm sorry, but I just don't
understand where you're coming from.

I'm just standing up
for what I believe in.

You're not standing for
anything, you're running.

You're not letting anybody in.

Actually, she has met someone.

Really?

Yes! His name is Calvin Chesney,

he is a lawyer at my firm, and
they like each other a lot.

Thank God for that!

- When can I meet him?
- Uh, well, you can't.

- Why not?
- Yeah, why not?

It would be so fun if you brought
Calvin around to meet the family.

I mean, you and Mom could
go on a double date.

Yes, yes.

You should always
believe in your life

with the heart full of love.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

You mentioned that.

I... In that vein,

I'm actually gonna head out
and go see Calvin right now.

Nice meeting you,

and Mom, it's always good to...
see you.

- What is this?
- Is it me?

Not at all!

It's Gena's. She loaned
it to me for the day.

Thought you might like a ride.

Did she now?

Well, come on, get in,
let's drive this puppy!

- OK, but I'm driving back.
- Oh...

- Ready?
- Ready. Let's go.

And I... got your Queen.

- What? Oh, no!
- Yeah.

Damn.

Checkmate!

Yeah, you set me up
there, didn't you?

- Just a little.
- A little.

All right. You win.

Whoa! Sorry to interrupt.

That's just gross.

Then again, kind of not sorry.

Why don't they find a room?

It's his house.

What a clown.

Yeah, ass clown.

- He's weird.
- Ah, he's harmless.

Why does he live here, though?

I mean, you could afford
this place on your own.

You think?

Nah, I know I could.

Just... That's Jake,

you know, he's always
been there for me.

We've been friends since grade
school and then basketball,

I was point guard and
he was right wing,

all the way through law school
he was always there for me.

Quiz me before exams, take
me out for beers afterwards.

- Even if I always paid.
- I'm sure you did.

Yeah, just... he's
my best friend.

Seems natural to
have him around.

At least until I
find somebody else

to share this place with.

How about you, huh?

Lone wolf.

You like living alone?

I'm not alone.

I have Ripley... and
two million followers.

That's right. I
forgot about that.

Gosh, where do they all sleep?

Ahh, I keep them in the garage.

Yeah...

Oh, man.

I really like this.

Me and you.

Me too.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I should get to work.

I know...

people need their science.

Yes, they do.

Hey, so when do we get started?

- With our competition?
- Yeah.

Now.

Right now?

Yep.

As of now it can
happen at any time

to anyone on your list.

You know, I still don't
think it's fair.

I mean, you know, who
all my friends are

and I have no idea who
you're challenging with.

Oh, you'll know.

See you soon.

How will I know?

Nice car.

[GenYou liked that, did you?

That's one of the perks
of becoming partner.

Yeah, about that.

I've been thinking,

I can't accept the
partnership position

if it has anything
to do with Lauren.

Really.

Yeah, I want to be partner,

and I sure did like
driving that car,

but I don't want you
suggesting me to the board

for any another other reason
than I'm a great lawyer.

Let's just see how
things play out.

From what I can see, everything
is going according to plan.

OK, Gena, but so we're clear,

I'm not doing this
anymore to make partner.

I'm doing this because
I like Lauren.

Bye, Calvin.

How long have you and
Treasure been together?

I don't know, man, about
two years, I guess?

- You gonna get married?
- I don't know, man.

You know, work's been really
good and people been throwing

an ass ton of money at me
just to get into shape,

so we could afford
it if we needed to.

No, I mean, you love her, right?
You want to marry her.

I, I don't know, man.

I mean, I guess
I'm gonna have to

if I want to keep her.
That's how it works, right?

Why are you busting
my balls, man?

Did Treasure put you up to this?

No, no, no, I was just
curious, that's all.

You guys seem happy.

Don't be a douche.

And so it begins.

- Hi.
- Hello.

- Are you Garrett?
- I am. What can I do for you?

Well, I'm looking for a trainer

and the lady at the front
desk, she referred me to you.

OK, so what kind of hours
are you looking for?

Oh, nothing here.

I actually just bought this
really expensive home equipment

and I have no idea
how to use it.

- Sounds dumb, huh?
Actually, no, not at all.

You know, most people don't get
the full benefit of their workout

because they don't know how to
use the equipment correctly.

Sometimes they hurt themselves
or they hurt other people.

- Really?
- That's a fact.

You know, why don't I
give you a free lesson?

Come over here and
show me how you bench.

Yeah...

All right, why don't you
go ahead, and tight back,

stick your chest up,
all right, good.

Grab the bar...

Now go ahead and lift up.

There you go, down and back up.

Oh that's great. Chest
out, there ya go.

Tight back, bring it up, good.

All right. Chest
out a little more.

Oh, that's great. Up. Perfect.

I can work with that.

That is great.

She wants you to go to
her place to show her

how to use gym equipment,
and you're buying that?

Seriously, Cal,

come on, man, you know
I'm a professional.

This is what I do for
a living, all right?

I help clients at their houses
all the time. It's what I do.

You need to get your damn
mind out of the gutter.

Douche.

Wow.

Oh hey, man.

Sign here.

Thanks.

Have a good day.

Garrett.

They're going to be sending
a gaggle of attorneys.

It's an important case, they
don't want to screw it up,

so expect a big presence.

Do you really think "gaggle"
is the best collective term

to use for a group of attorneys?

I'd think it'd be something
more sinister like "murder."

No, no, the crows have that one.

- Do they? Crows.
- Mm-hmm.

What about "onslaught"?

Onslaught! Ah, yes.

Kids... focus! OK.

Uh, you are going to be staying
at the Seattle Weston,

get in Thursday night,
depo is in the morning.

OK, but when do we get back?

Paul's got plenty of milk,

but Maddy's got a soccer game

this weekend and she
is gonna lose her mind

- if I'm not there.
- It's not a problem.

You'll be back Friday night.

I want you to be prepared but
don't over-work yourselves.

Take some personal time
Thursday night, grab a drink.

I doubt we'll have time for that kind
of thing, but dinner might be nice.

Dinner, drinks,

on Thursday... OK.

So, that's 32.50 each
plus 6.25 for your beer

and we can split the tip?

What do you say, six each?

Sounds good. Thank you.

Very precise, this whole thing.

You know, I never
thought I'd say this,

but I actually look forward
to these business trips.

The crappy bar food,
the cheap wine,

and this... silence.

Ah, come on, you've
got the perfect life,

you've got two great
kids, happy marriage.

I wish I had that.

No, you don't.

What are you talking about?

It always looks
like you and Paul

are having such a great time.

That's Facebook, Calvin.

It isn't real.

My children are monsters.

We used to have fun though,

back when we had sex.

God, we used to have great sex!

But you can't have sex
with a baby on your tit.

No, I imagine you can't.

Physically, it's
practically impossible.

It gets in the way.

Unless you hold it
off to the side

which you can practically do

because your boobs
get really long!

And there's the term.

And your vagina is
never the same.

When they say you can
push a bowling ball

through there they're not kidding,
because it gets ginormous!

And there's stuff
flying out of there,

stuff you've never seen before.

Some people keep it,
some people eat it!

OK! You want to order
some coffee here?

Kegels, Please!

I can hardly hold my own pee in!

My vagina is dead.

I have a dead vagina.

That's a lot of talk
about your vagina here.

Ease up, Calvin.

Your mother's vagina went
through the exact same thing.

Not something I care
to discuss either.

God! These are going to burst.

Sorry! Yeah, that one
got away from me.

I better pull the plug.

Yeah.

♪ Words can't say what
you're doing to me ♪

♪ Give me just a minute,
try to understand ♪

♪ I can't control the
shake in my hands ♪

Calvin, you'll never guess
who I bumped into...

This is Brandon.

Coxx. Dr. Coxx.

Dr. Coxx noticed my breast pump

and we got to talking, and it
turns out he's a specialist.

He helps women recover who
have had multiple births.

Ooh! Have a seat!

So, Dr. Coxx,

what are you, like,
a plastic surgeon?

Nothing quite so drastic.

I work with the
body and the mind.

I help women to rediscover
their inner selves

so they can get in
tune with their bodies

and re-awaken their
sexual being.

How does it work? Can you do me?
Can you fix me?

It's a series of meditations
to relax the mind

and intimate massage
techniques to relax the body.

It gets the blood flowing again
in all the right places.

Brings everything back to life.

So, doctor, you
seem pretty young.

How old are you?

It's true, I'm young.

I graduated college
when I was 16,

and completed my medical
training overseas.

Europe is where it's at.

Sex is celebrated
there at every age.

We Americans have it all wrong.

I'm trying to change that.

A savior of sorts.

Yeah.

I'm sorry I'm staring.

It's just that you have
the most beautiful eyes.

I do?

It's just...

Do you mind?

Yes. There she is.

You definitely have the vibrant
sexual being in there.

I could help you find it.

OK... This is great stuff,

but, uh, Sharon,
it's getting late.

We've got that early meeting.

We should probably get
your card and head up.

-We've got an early day tomorrow.
-Calvin!

We're work colleagues, no!

Why don't we order
some more drinks

and talk about this some more?
I think it's fascinating!

Yeah!

Fascinating!

The mistake that people make with
their lovers is forcefulness.

You have to approach
these areas tenderly.

You have to gently coax

and gently coax some more

so that the body reaches for it,

desires the touch.

God, that makes so much sense!

Uhh, wow.

Sharon, look at the time,
we should probably go!

Yeah, we should.

Can I walk you?

No, no. There's no
need, I'll walk her.

Sharon, is this your key card?

Actually, a walk would be nice.

Thank you, Dr. Coxx.

But we have that meeting...

in the morning.

Surely there's no
time for a walk.

Calvin, I'm a grown woman.

I know when I need a walk.

- Shall we?
- Of course.

Grab my jacket.

Goodnight!

Tucker Aaronson and
Walden, may I help you?

Uh, let me transfer you.

Wow, those are
some ugly panties.

Yeah, they, uh... for a case.

We are working on the case of the
terrible granny panties, so...

Must be a big case!

It is. It is...

- Hold all my calls.
- OK.

Sharon Gottlieb?

You might as well have told me
that size really doesn't matter

and that the female orgasm
is made of rainbows.

Well, I'm sorry that she surprised
you, but she didn't surprise me.

It's probably been a long time

since a man has looked at
her like that, you know?

We gave her a golden
opportunity and she took it.

She's clearly a sad woman with a
blown-out vagina that needed tending.

I really wish I didn't
know that about her.

But it's not everyone. It's
not even the majority.

But it is.

That's what I've been
trying to tell you.

You're wrong about people.

It's not that simple.

Yeah, well, I wish it weren't.

You know, the tragic thing?

That a 220-pound man wears
smiley-faced boxers?

OK. OK, what's tragic?

Well, the tragic thing
is that if you win,

your blog lives on and you
get to write your book,

but you and I get six months, and then...
it's over.

I mean, six months is...

God, that's nothing.

Hey kids, how we doing?

Simon, my man!

We are doing fantastic.

As a matter of fact, we've
got some great news.

That loan for the penis
extension finally came through?

This guy.

No man, um,

Lauren and I are
getting married.

Wow, I mean...

Wow, that was quick!

Yeah. I'm not pregnant.

Well then, drinks
are on the house.

Hey, thank you, brother.

And listen, I'd love to
have the bachelor party

right here at Tucci's. Is the back
room available for Saturday night?

- It's all yours.
- Awesome! Awesome!

And we'll head back to my place
after for some shenanigans?

Yeah, love it.

- Huh?
- Bachelor party, huh?

- Shenanigans?
- Hey, come on,

what better opportunity
for someone to cheat

than a bachelor party?

It's practically
in the handbook.

- I knew there was a handbook.
- Uh-huh.

Listen, two of our competitors
are going to be there

and you only need one to cheat

for this competition to be over,

so we're going to finish
this this weekend.

Finish it?

Well, that's what
you want, right?

Your name in lights.
Glory, the big win?

Yeah, all right.

Saturday bachelor
party, we'll finish it.

Oh, and, uh, listen,

I would love some
strippers for Saturday.

Do you think Corina
knows any of those?

Gee, probably.

I thought so. Resourceful
lady, that one.

You have no idea.

So, are you just doing
this for the gifts?

'Cause we could
use a new Keurig.

- Nah, no gifts.
- Then why?

Women are happy to stay
engaged for like, ever!

It's a get out of
jail free card, man.

Does Danielle know this?

She doesn't not know it.

Ahh, Jacob, you are an island.

So check this out.

It's the prototype for my new
app, Mars Calling Venus.

A guy can ask Venus
anything he wants to know,

and she'll tell him the truth

about what women are
really thinking.

So, say for example...
sexual partners.

The average woman has had eight
lovers, but when polled,

76% said they'd lie and
answer four or less.

Naughty, naughty, Venus.
Naughty, naughty, Venus.

Is that it?

Well, she gets naked.

And I loaded her with
car and sports trivia.

Ed got me a meeting with
some suits on Monday.

Ooh, I'm going to be rich!

Did you make her
look like Lauren?

- What?
- Yeah, you...

Is that a mole under
her left eye?

Dude, you have lost your mind.

This woman has straight up crawled up
inside your brain and made you go wonky!

So, party tonight at Tucci's?

I'll wear a suit.

You don't own a suit.

You own a suit.

I own a suit.

I've had a lot of free time.

There's the three rings
of marriage, brother.

There's the engagement
ring, the wedding ring,

and then there's
the suffer-ring!

Boo!

Boo that man.

Oh, man, I can't believe
you're getting married.

You know how long Jenny has been
harassing me to pull the trigger?

She wants four kids.

Dang, that's a lot of kids.

That is a lot of kids.

In Korea we have large
families of many generations

and we all live together
under one roof.

You grew up in Napa Valley.

But my people, we...
We started...

Your parents own a winery...
in Napa!

So, what flipped the switch?

What can I say, fellas?
I love her.

- I hope so.
- Drink to that.

Mm. What about you, Ed,
do you love Kimberly?

Um, let me see. I married the
girl when we were 18 years old,

so yeah, I think I love her.

No, that's time, man.
I'm talking about love.

Real love, the kind you
walk through fire for,

you know what I'm saying?

Well, yeah. She's my girl.

Yeah, she is, right?

And she's a good one.

Things have been going great since
I started rubbing her feet.

Sometimes she'll even put on
her old cheerleading outfit

- and wear it for me.
- There you go.

- Jenny thinks outfits are silly.
- Yeah, well, they're not.

My girl looks pretty
amazing in that outfit.

Well, that sounds
like love to me, man.

Cheerleader love.

Does she still love you?

Damn right, she loves me.

What kind of question
is that to ask a man?

-It's just a question. -Yeah,
come on, why so defensive?

You boys better get
your heads in check.

That woman loves me! She
calls me her Eddie Pie.

What?

Whoa, hold on, say that again?

It's not like an edible pie?
Like a Tasty Pastry?

OK, Eddie Pie. I mean, it
sounds like you're it for her.

Like, you are her White Knight.

Hmm.

Black Knight. I'm
her Black Knight.

- Yes, you are. Black Knight.
- Yeah.

No, No!

♪ Happy Birthday, Mr.
President ♪

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

We're jamming.

There you go.

Hey, all I'm saying is
you're a lucky man.

That sense of truly finding the one?
It's pretty rare.

Yeah.

You call it. Do that.

Maybe four isn't so many.

Now that's a butt load of kids.

- Shh.
- That's a butt load of kids.

That's a butt load of kids.

I love you too, baby.

Maybe when I get home you can...

wear that little...
outfit for me?

All right.

All right. Bye-bye, baby.

It's noisy in there, huh?

You with all those crazy guys?

Uh, yeah.

It's hot in there, too.

I'm Corina.

Do you have a light?

I don't smoke.

Well, you look smoking to me.

OK, OK... what you doing?

What do you mean,
"What am I doing?"

I'm talking to you.

You're doing more
than just that.

Maybe I am. Do you have a name?

I got a name.

I just don't know I
want you to have it.

Is that so?

My name is Eddie Pie.

I am a Black Knight.

Goodnight, fair lady.

Good for him.

♪ Scratch my back ♪

♪ Scratch my back ♪

♪ Scratch my back ♪

♪ Very long time ♪

That's better.

Now... tell me
where you want it?

- I know where I want it.
- Wait your turn.

It's never my turn.

- You want to take a shot?
- No, I'm trying to quit.

Aww. Well, you don't mind
if I take one, do you?

- Yeah.
- Up.

Wait. Whoa...

OK...

OK, now... where do we want it?

I don't.

Oh, you naughty boy.

In the crotch, huh?

That just so happens to be my
favorite place to take it.

How'd you know?

All right, now, you have
to be very careful,

'cause if you move, it'll spill.

And let me make one thing clear,

I am taking that shot,
every last drop.

Are we ready, boys?

- Yeah.
- No, no.

- Here we go!
- Ohh! Ohh!

Oh! You naughty boy.

Guess I'm just going to have to
clean you all up with my tongue.

- Ooh.
- Oh!

Here's some ice...

I'm really sorry, it
was just a reflex.

Would you just make
yourself useful

and hand me my purse?

I'm leaving.

Thanks.

I didn't want a shot.

Ooh, boy, you really screwed
that one up, buddy.

I can understand you not wanting

to show everyone Mr. Floppy,
but did you really have to

knee that poor girl in the face?

It was a reflex, man.

Hey, uh, where's Simon?

And... Mandy?

Where are they?

They went for a walk.

Wait, you let them leave?

- Hello?
- Hello, Lauren?

It's Heather Decker.

I have the update
on your book offer.

They like the blog and
your story around that,

but they caught wind
of the competition.

They think that's
a better angle.

Caught wind of it? How?

Your sister made a
call to the publisher.

Apparently, she's not
a fan of your blog.

She's pushing this new angle,
and they like it a lot.

Gena is not a fan of the blog.

Why doesn't she just
stay out of my life?

Did you hear me, Lauren?
They are very interested.

They are offering two
million dollars for it.

- Two million?
- Yes.

But you have to win.
Otherwise, no deal.

Are you still there?

They want to talk
to you on Monday.

They want to get
started right away.

Yeah, I'm still here.

Listen, that's... that's
an incredible offer,

that's amazing.

It's just it takes
the whole thing

into a completely
different direction

and I'm not sure that's the book

that I want to write.

Let me think about it for
a couple of days. OK?

Thanks, Heather.

- Hey.
- How could you do it, man?

- Do what?
- You know what.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Did you sleep with her? Did
you have sex with Mandy?

Look, man, I don't know what
you're talking about, all right?

I thought you were
better than that.

Ah! Get out of there, Cal, stop it!
Get off of me!

You're still wearing
your underwear.

Yes, of course!

What the hell, Cal!

Well, did... did you
sleep with her or not?

Yeah, I slept with her.

Look,

we went down to the
river and we talked.

After a little while
she made a move,

but... I didn't want to.

I mean, I wanted to, but...
I couldn't do it.

I've never cheated on
Jenny, so we just slept.

What are you laughing about?

You, man! You're the man!!

Oh, God, OK, all right!

I knew it, I knew you were
one of the good guys, man!

I knew it! OK, that's two.

- Come on, baby, yeah.
- All right, all right.

All right, I believe you.
You know...

Of course, we'll never really
know what happened out there.

But if Mandy didn't
get his underwear,

then I guess we'll say
nothing happened.

Although, she's quite
taken with Simon.

She even wants me to let
her know when he's single.

I don't think she's his type.

Yeah? She said
he's the first man

to ever turn her down. Ever.

Hey, you know where I want to
take you when all this is over?

It's not over yet.

I'll take you to Paris.

We can get some striped shirts
and live the life of the mimes.

Really horny mimes.

I know it's going to be tough
for you to shut down that blog,

but, um, you know, maybe
you don't have to.

Maybe you could just... turn it
into something more positive.

Well, there's one
more challenger left.

It could go down either way.

Ah, yes. The good
minister Dooley.

Well, I'm sorry, babe, but he's
a ringer for the home team.

My man is legit.

There is no way anyone
is going to convince him

to cheat on his wife. Oh...

People can surprise you.

Mm. Yes, they can.

If there's one thing this competition
has taught me it's that.

Well, we've decided

to have the last challenge
at Corina's house.

I'll text you the address.

Just tell the minister

that he should come by around 7

and that you have a friend
who needs some guidance.

We're running a conversion con.

A conversion con?

Listen to you.

It's a good thing
this is almost over.

You're turning into
a regular gangster.

Well, I have a meeting with
the publishers on Monday,

they want to, you know, discuss
the book proposal, details...

Well, either way,
you're going to have

an interesting story to tell.

Hey, you want to have dinner
with me tomorrow night

while all this is going down?

You know, we can celebrate...

either way, like a
couple of good sports.

Wait for the results together?

Yeah.

I'd like that.

Okay.

I talked to Minister
Dooley this afternoon

and he was all in for bringing
in another lost sheep,

so... the last
competition has begun.

May the best man win.

May the best person win.

Oh, excuse me.

Hello, this is Calvin.

Uh-huh?

Oh, you're kidding?

Yeah, is he all right?

OK, sure. Sure, yeah,
thanks for letting me know.

Uh-huh. Bye-bye.

- Wow.
- What happened?

Umm, Minister Dooley
is in the hospital.

- What?
- Yeah, apparently,

he broke his leg
playing hoops today.

Oh, God, well... poor
Minister Dooley,

but I'm supposed to be
meeting with the publisher

on Monday... I can't
keep pushing them off.

Yeah, I know. I know.

Um. All right. We need
a new competitor.

So, um...

Jacob.

I'll send Jacob, it's perfect.

- Jacob?
- Yeah, sure,

he's in the dark about
all this like we agreed,

and he's been engaged to
Danielle for over a year,

so he fits the bill, right?

I'll just, uh, text
him that a friend

needs help with her computer

- and we'll see what happens.

-It could work. -Yeah, yeah,
it's going to be good.

It's going to be good. We are
still going to end this tonight.

Ah, he's free.

Sweet! OK, let me text him
the address and boom.

Done. We're back on, OK?

He's kind of a freak, right?

I mean, you sure you
want to use him?

But... he doesn't
go for easy women.

Huh, so, you scared?

Right? You're scared.

You're sensing another
W for team Calvin.

Don't refer to yourself
in the third person.

And don't be a sore loser.

All right? Excuse me,
I'm going to restroom.

It's a close one.

Jacob's good. Jacob's good.

Oh, this is bad, bad, bad...

Hey, Simon.

Can you just, uh,

tell Calvin that I started
feeling really bad

and I had to leave and
I'll call him later?

- Yeah.
- Great, thanks.

Hey, Simon, man, did you
see where Lauren went?

She said she wasn't feeling
well and that she'd call you.

What, she just took off?
Did she look sick?

She seemed kind
of pale, I guess?

Oh, wow, Jacob, hey, come in!

Hey, tech geek to the rescue.

I don't know, you don't look
like a geek to me, Jacob.

You OK?

The computer's just in
the bedroom upstairs.

O... kay.

So, where's Cal?

Oh... Cal didn't tell you?

Yeah, we broke up last night.

Everything was just
moving too fast.

It's OK though. We're
still friends.

Really?

So...

this is the one that's
giving me trouble.

So, is it running
slowly or not at all?

Slowly. But then it freezes
and then I have to

shut the whole thing off
and start over again.

It's-it's infuriating.

It sounds like you just need
to clean up your hard drive,

maybe run a de-frag.

Let me clean some stuff up here

to see if that
fixes the problem.

- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm lucky to have a bonafide
computer genius to help me.

Yeah, that's me.

Wow.

What?

Oh, your-your shoulders
are really tight.

When was the last time
you had a massage?

Oh, my God, I don't know. Never.

Danielle doesn't give
you shoulder rubs?

No.

Here, unbutton this,
let me get in there.

Oh, God, that feels good.

Oh...

Just need to let the de-frag
run a little while.

Takes a bit.

Thanks.

So, you and Calvin
are definitely over?

I just want this whole
thing to be over.

I'm so confused.

I just... I can't
even think straight.

Broke up?

Hey, hey, it's OK.

Everything is OK. I'm here.

Yeah.

Yeah, you are, aren't you?

Yeah, I'm here.

You've, uh, you've been
a great friend, Jacob.

Yeah? All right.

I think I understand
you pretty well.

Yeah, I always really liked you.

Oh, um... Sorry, sorry.

Just my head really hurts.
I need an aspirin.

You're the perfect
woman, Lauren.

- What?
- You're the perfect woman.

I created an app that I sold
for a ton of money this week

and it's all about you.
The perfect woman.

I'm going to be rich and now
that Calvin is out of the way,

I can take care of you
like you deserve.

Uhh, I'm not the perfect woman...
at all.

You have no idea how
messed up I am, actually.

Ohh, I'm so messed up, so maybe
we're perfect for each other!

- Uh, wait, hold on.
- What?

I think my phone is... yeah.

Yeah, I did hear it...

Uh, oh... Mom?

- Yeah, I'm, um...
- Lauren?

You don't have to
tease me anymore.

I'm already crazy about you.

I knew... I always knew we would
be together, I just knew it!

What the hell is
going on in here?

Oh, my God, Calvin.

Oh... Nothing, nothing.

Absolutely nothing. Oh my...
I'm so sorry.

It was the competition
and I was trying to win.

Uh, isn't life really
a competition?

Wait...

Dude, you guys broke up!

You're a pig, man!
What's wrong with you?

You're supposed to
be my best friend.

Ohh! I'm the pig?

Is that how we're gonna play it?

- What about you?
- What about me?

Oh, perfect freakin'
undefeated Calvin Chesney

never does anything
wrong, does he?

Or does he?

Huh, maybe we should ask
Gena what she thinks?

Jake, don't.

Gena? What is he talking about?

Don't.

Calvin slept with your
sister back in law school.

Oh!

- Lauren, Lauren, wait a minute.
- No.

I didn't...

Why did you do that, man?
What's wrong with you?

- You should have told her.
- I didn't sleep with Gena!

- Really?
- Really.

No, no, that summer

you guys were all
flirty and stuff.

You guys acted like you did!

No, man! We went on a few dates,

but we're friends
for Christ's sake.

Yeah, yeah, I see what I did there.
Sorry, my bad.

Yeah, sorry about your lip.

- Lauren!
- Oh, that hurts.

Lauren! Lauren?

Are you OK? What happened?

Why didn't you
tell me the truth?

What? Oh no, no, no, no.

He... Look, he told me
as soon as he met you

that he didn't want
to make partner

just for getting you
to shut the blog down.

- Wh-what?
- What?

Oh no, no... Oh, that's nothing.

- What's your thing?
- Why did you lie to me

- about sleeping with Calvin?
- I didn't sleep with Calvin.

Right, you didn't.

No! I didn't.

I... We went on a couple dates

-in law school. -Then why
didn't you say anything?

Because I didn't think
you needed to know.

It was a long time
ago, it was nothing!

You know, Gena,
you're such a slut.

Excuse me?

I enjoy my life the way it is,

and I don't need
to answer to you,

and I didn't sleep with Calvin.

Why would you send me someone
you know is so wonderful

you know I would fall
in love with him?

What, are you-are you
trying to hurt me?

I'm sorry.

I knew how wonderful he was.

I knew you'd fall
in love with him.

I was just trying to help.

Well, I guess your instincts
are about as great as mine.

You know, I came on
to Jacob tonight.

What, why?

It was the last challenge

and, God, I wanted
to win, you know?

And I knew he had a crush on me

and I knew he would go for it,

and Calvin came in at the...
oh, worst moment!

He's not going to forgive me.

- Come here. I messed
this up so bad.

Come here.

I'm sorry I called you a
slut, that was stupid.

That's all right. It
takes one to know one.

Guess who got hitched!?

We wanted to call!

- But my heart could not wait!
- But Alejandro insisted.

It was a field with a
crescendo of grass for my...

beloved...

- So, we got...
- Married!

Mom, really?

Oh, no, what happened?

Oh, you know, Gena and Calvin...

Gena, how could you?

Oh, it was a long time ago,
they just didn't tell me.

Really, Gena? Do
you have to sleep

- with every man in Portland?
- I did not sleep with him!

The thing is, you
know, I just...

I really love him.

My heart is, was, so...

full.

You know, it takes time to
adjust to the fullness.

He's probably really,
really hurt.

Yeah, but the thing is, did
you intend to hurt him?

- No, no.
- Would you do it again?

- No, never.
- So, that's fine!

He will forgive you.

That's the beautiful
fantastic thing about love.

You understand?

Yeah. Well, the thing is,

he's been lying to
me the whole time.

So...

How can I trust him?

I have an idea.

Lauren,

you are going to
have to trust me.

Oh... trust you?

Yeah. You're just going
to have to do it.

And this, all this needs
to be cleaned up,

uh, Alejandro will you
move the cars outside

- so they can't be seen?
- Of course.

And Mom? Help me close
these curtains.

And Lauren, you just stay
here and stay quiet.

G, what are you up to?

I'm the one who
started all this.

Just give me a chance to
make it right, please?

OK, do your worst.

OK.

♪ No more fierce blue eyes ♪

♪ No more last goodbyes ♪

♪ No more patronizing ♪

♪ No more alibis ♪

♪ No more do or die ♪

♪ The stakes are in the skies ♪

Please tell me you didn't
drive over here like that?

Mm. I took an Uber.

Good boy.

Oh, is that what this is...
a work call?

Yeah, I thought we could go over

the husband's testimony again,

you know, see if there's
anything we missed.

I don't feel like
working tonight, Gena.

Yeah, I can see that.

I'm glad you called, though.

I need a place to stay.

Of course. You know I'm
always here for you.

You want to tell
me what happened?

You're really pretty.

You're drunk. Why don't you
tell me what happened?

The competition. The
last competition.

Your sister thought

it would be a kick

to challenge my best friend
using herself as bait.

Ouch, that must have stung.

Yeah.

Did he go for it?

Yeah, he went for it.

I don't know.

Maybe... maybe Lauren's
right about people.

Did she get his underwear?

- What?
- Isn't that a rule?

Yeah,

but no, she... she
didn't get it.

- I interrupted them.
- Oh.

Well, then I guess, technically,
the challenge isn't over yet.

No, no, it's over.

Oh. Well, then cheers
to it being over.

Do you think all men are pigs?

I think all men can be
and so can all women.

It's a choice we make every day.

What about me? Am I a pig?

I think you can
be if you choose.

If I choose.

Exactly.

Aww, you're hurt.

Mm.

Hey, um, you got a
glass for this?

I hate drinking from the bottle.

- Boo.
- Oh, hi.

It's really hot in here. I
don't think you need this.

OK.

You know, Cal, there is a reason

you were so willing to
come over here tonight.

-There is? -Yeah, you know
it, if you think about it.

If you're honest with yourself.

You and me are like
the same person, Cal,

and people like Lauren,
they have strict rules

that control their
lives, you know.

They need those
rules to feel safe.

And people like us?

We don't have rules.

We just listen to our wants
and desires and follow them.

No right or wrong,
just instinct.

Shh.

Wait what was that, did
you hear something?

There's a TV on upstairs.

Remember that summer
we spent together?

- Yeah.
- Remember how good that felt?

- Yeah.
- No strings, just instinct.

No one has to know.

Stop.

Stop right there.

This isn't happening.

What's not happening?

This! Me and you.

Because even if nobody knows
that you did a bad thing,

it's still a bad thing.

And this, this, Gena, is
a very, very bad thing.

You know, you're wrong about me,

because I believe in love,
I believe in romance.

I believe in the
soulful chemistry

between two people that
just can't be explained.

I believe in bourbon, you know?

I believe in black coffee,
strong black coffee.

I believe in getting eight
hours of sleep at night,

and doing at least one thing
to better yourself every day.

I believe the practice of law
is fundamentally imperfect,

but we do the best we can,
and sometimes we do good.

I believe that hook-up websites prey
on people's fears of inadequacy,

novels are always
better than movies,

and no formula,
scientific or otherwise,

can determine with absolute certainty
if someone is going to cheat or not!

Yes, I believe in instincts.

But unlike you, I know
there is right and wrong,

and the wrong thing
here is to indulge you

in whatever this is, because,
A, you're my boss now,

and as weirdly hot
as that might be,

it jeopardizes everything I've
worked for and it's also illegal.

B, if it was ever going to
work out between us, Gena,

it already would have
a long time ago.

And C, because you used me for this
stupid little scheme of yours.

I met Lauren.

I love her.

OK?

I love her.

She's everything I
want in a partner.

She's beautiful, she's
smart, she's quirky...

Yes, she's stubborn, but that's
because she knows what she wants.

At least, she thinks she does,
and I think that's adorable.

She loves pizza and hiking
and sleeping in on Sunday.

Her interests are just
different enough from mine

that we'll always be able to
show each other new things.

And I get butterflies when I
know I'm about to see her.

And no, she's not perfect.

But she's perfect for me.

And I don't care what I have
to do or how long it takes.

I'm going to prove it to her.

You just did.

Congratulations, Cal, you
were the last challenger.

You had to be, and you won.

Lauren, hi.

You love me?

With everything I got.

I love you, too.

OK... OK.

So, what do you say we put all this
behind us and start again, huh?

No expiration date.

To love!

[Laughter]

- He is very excitable.
- He is.

♪ I can't see the
forest, is it green? ♪

♪ Is the ocean blue? ♪

♪ I can't see the sky ♪

♪ Is it orange cream? ♪

♪ All I can see is you ♪

♪ La da da di da da ♪

- Hi.
- Hi, I just,

I love the new direction
of your blog.

It's so inspiring,
the book is amazing.

Life is tough, but
love is stronger.

A-men.

Thank you.

It's so great, and I
love your new vision.

I really love being
a White Knight.

Yeah. It's more of an expanded
thought, really, but...

Never mind.

- I'm glad you like it, thanks.
- Thank you.

Hey. Do we have a few
more of those back there?

Because they are going fast.
Great.

Hello there!

Don't tell me you
two read the blog,

- because that makes no sense.
- Oh... Mom does.

Hi, Mom!

♪ La da da di da da ♪

♪ La da da di da ♪

OK, you ready?

Let's do this!

♪ You never thought
you'd ever move to ♪

♪ Another place in time ♪

♪ If your world's a
million colors ♪

♪ Not so black and white ♪

♪ You want a road that
takes you higher ♪

♪ Your soul has never
been so bright ♪

♪ Green eyes, suitcase,
city lights ♪

♪ It's gonna be a joyride ♪

♪ Joyride ♪

♪ Take you to the place
you've never been ♪

♪ It's gonna be one ride ♪

♪ One ride ♪

♪ Tell you that'll
be just fine ♪

♪ It's gonna be a joyride ♪

♪ Joyride ♪

♪ Take you to the place
you've never seen ♪

♪ It's gonna be one ride ♪

♪ One ride ♪

♪ Tell you that'll
be just fine ♪

♪ You step out into the ocean ♪

♪ And feel the summer breeze ♪

♪ You hold your
part right open ♪

♪ And raise your company ♪

♪ A little lust A little trust ♪

♪ You know that everything
is gonna be all right ♪

♪ A little lust A little trust ♪

♪ Just enough ♪

♪ Just enough to make you mine ♪

♪ Joyride ♪

♪ Take you to the place
you've never been ♪

♪ It's gonna be one ride ♪

♪ One ride ♪

♪ Tell you it'll be just fine ♪

♪ It's gonna be a joyride ♪

♪ Joyride ♪

♪ Take you to the place
you've never seen ♪

♪ It's gonna be one ride ♪

♪ One ride ♪

♪ Tell you that'll
be just fine ♪

♪ I see you ♪

♪ Standing in the ocean ♪

♪ Just beneath the harbor ♪

♪ Holding on to your... ♪

♪ It's gonna be a joyride ♪

♪ Take you to the place
you've never been ♪

♪ It's gonna be one ride ♪

♪ One ride ♪

♪ Tell you it'll be just fine ♪

♪ It's gonna be a joyride ♪

♪ Joyride ♪

♪ Take you to the place
you've never seen ♪

♪ It's gonna be one ride ♪

♪ One ride ♪

♪ Tell you that'll
be just fine ♪

♪ My heart aches for you ♪

♪ And only ♪

♪ My heart aches for you ♪

♪ And only ♪