Original subtitles

When I remember it...

I remember thinking...

...the entire population of Greensburg, Pennsylvania,

is 14,892.

If you divide that by the number of days in the year,

there should be 41 people with the same birthday every day.

In my lifetime, the population has decreased by 12.6%.

Soon, another 12.6% will be gone.

And another.

And another.

Then another.

Until all that's left here is me.

Me without you.

Me and the one thing I was waiting to find out about.

They were also waiting.

In the middle of nowhere.

In this doctor's office.

At 7:30 in the morning.

Twenty days ago, I turned 20.

Now we were all waiting to see

how many more birthdays we'd have.

If there'd be one or 100.

If there'd be anyone new to share them with.

I've spent every birthday in Greensburg.

Every day.

Every minute.

Every second.

When I remember it, I remember believing

everything begins with one exact moment.

Daniel.

Daniel.

Daniel.

Did you hear what I just said?

You don't care.

You don't know anything. Everything's fucked up.

What's the point of even talking to you?

How can you say that?

After, after last year, after how my mom's been acting, after my dad?

- I don't... - Don't. Just don't.

Don't say I don't want to end up like him?

Neither do you.

Here's the truest thing I've ever said: fuck you.

Whatever.

And what about your mom, have you talked to her?

Not since graduation.

Look, I didn't mean you don't care, I didn't mean it that way.

- It's pretty clear how you meant it. - Was it?

I'm hungry.

What? What are you talking about?

That's an example of being clear, "I'm hungry,"

which is what I am, hungry.

Come on, that doesn't make any sense.

And bored. Hungry and bored.

What do you wanna do, then?

I don't know.

Go to the porn store. I'm legal now.

That one where the girls wear nothing but a smile?

No, that's a strip club.

I was talking more about the ones that flank the Barnes & Noble.

All that I was trying to say is that...

it's got nothing to do with your family.

I just meant that you'll be out of here soon.

You're going to college.

- It's only a state school. - So what?

Not far away.

Still better than being stuck here.

Did you know Mount Pleasant used to be called Hell Town?

That's not true.

- It is. - Why?

Something to do with, this was in the '20s or something.

Coal miners lived in Mount Pleasant,

whereas the rich bosses lived in Scottdale, on the hill.

They should just go back

and rename the whole goddamn area Hell Town.

Sorry about earlier. I was being a sharktopus.

- I was gonna say a sea hag. - I don't get it.

A sharktopus would make a good pet.

Sea hag is Jennifer Aniston.

I like Jennifer Aniston. We go way back.

We're tight like spandex.

- Also, bumps, not lines. - What?

I definitely wasn't a sea monster.

- It's not coke. - A sea hag, and yes you were.

It's cheap trucker's meth.

It's just that, for real, I can't stand this place.

At least now I don't have to worry about finding a job with dental insurance.

I can't end up like these disgusting people.

I don't wanna drive my 12-year-old car to a stupid job.

- I don't want to think about cheating on my fat wife. - See those lights?

I don't wanna work at my shit job for shit pay so I can afford another used shit car.

Lissa, do you see them?

- Shit! - What should we do?

Daniel, take care of the phone.

I can't believe this is happening.

Everyone, dust off your hands.

I'm going to M-I-fucking-T.

I have an idea.

Can I help you, officer?

What have you got going on here?

Not sure yet... sir.

Take it elsewhere.

- Fuck it all, fuck. - Fuck you, copper.

Lissa Maruska?

How are you today? Ready to order?

I've been waitressing for about two years.

A little under two years.

- I'm a human resources manager. - I'm a chef and owner.

I teach family consumer science, which used to be known as home economics.

I am a custodian.

I work for the county, which is a good job,

although it's a crappy shift.

I am actually a stay-at-home mom.

Some days you feel like you don't talk to any other adults.

I spent 25 years as a Pennsylvania state trooper.

I'm a union rep for public employees in schools,

meaning teachers and their support staffs,

such as bus drivers, cafeteria workers, custodians.

Worst part is the repetition.

Maybe it's having to balance multiple things like a circus clown.

No.

It's the repetition.

So, how are you doing?

Wanna hear the specials?

What can I get for you?

Want something to drink?

How would you like that prepared?

Can I get you something else?

And on...

and on...

and on.

Ready?

When I remember it, I remember hearing...

14% of the population

lives below the poverty line in Greensburg.

The average annual income per person is $24,599.

One out of six have a college degree.

Nine out of ten have at least one child.

About 90 people die of drug overdoses every year.

When I remember it...

I remember knowing...

I will never do any better.

Dr. Woods will see you in a minute. First, I just need your...

I thought...

Never mind, sorry.

Do you wanna use your mom's insurance?

If that's okay.

Do you have her policy number?

Her policy number?

Do you know who her provider is?

I guess...

no, not really.

Do you have any information about her insurance at all?

Uh...

My mom and I don't really talk anymore.

Lissa, I'm sorry about your dad.

Not your fault.

I'm sure I can find your mom's insurance here.

Looks like you've put on a little bit of weight

since last time you were in.

Your heart rate's a little fast.

Have you been doing anything you shouldn't?

No. I don't do anything.

Your blood pressure's 136 over 94.

Is that normal?

Normal's 120 over 80.

Get up! Do something!

Don't...

I can't believe it's been a year.

I just finished this philosophy class. Fucking awesome.

It was about Wittgenstein. He said this great thing,

he said, "Death is not an event of life, death is not lived through."

What do you think about that?

I don't. Don't other people live through it?

Do you wanna sit down?

I, um... I have a surprise for you.

- Yeah? - I'm gonna take you to a bad place for good drugs.

Happy birthday.

My professor said I wrote the perfect essay.

Those were his words.

"Perfect."

I focused on Wittgenstein's propositions.

We should read them.

I focused on...

"If by eternity is understood

"not endless temporal duration but timelessness...

...then he lives eternally who lives in the present."

And that's true...

It's about being present now.

Right now.

There's so much to see... to do...

to become...

I can't be trapped by home...

in Greensburg.

Family.

Belief.

I ended with what he wrote.

"Our life is endless in the way our visual field is without limit."

I'm tired.

I feel like I've been talking all night.

It's okay.

Thank you for seeing me.

So, why did you come in?

Relax. Take it easy. Tell me what's wrong.

I'm sorry, I...

Okay, how about this? Can you at least tell me your chief symptom?

- It's not... - Lissa, whatever you say to me is confidential.

- I understand. - No, I'm not your mother.

No, no.

Do you have any kids, Dr. Woods?

Do I?

Yes, my wife and I have a daughter.

- What's her name? - Kim.

- How old is she? - She just turned two.

And what do you want for her?

What do you mean?

Like when she grows up, what do you want her to be?

I hold her sometimes.

When I look at her legs, I wonder where she'll go,

where her legs will take her.

Away from here?

Whatever's best for her.

I came to see you because 20 days ago was my birthday.

- And you just turned 20, right? - Yep.

Only my 20th birthday.

I can't believe I'm 20.

This is the only birthday present I wanted.

When I remember it, I remember feeling...

everything at once...

everything all together...

everything in place...

everything right now.

And how many partners have you had?

- Two. Just two. - Men, women, or both?

Only men.

At what age did you have your first sexual encounter?

I was 13. Is that...

- Was it vaginal intercourse? - Regular, vaginal.

- When was the last time you had intercourse? - Twenty days ago.

- And have you been using any birth control? - No.

Did you use protection?

Uh... we...

No. No, we didn't.

Are you experiencing any burning when you urinate?

- No. - Any urethral discharge?

- No. - When was your last menstrual period?

That's kind of the reason I'm here.

You are now listening to the sound of Daniel's voice.

When you hear a beep, you will leave the sound of your own voice.

At this point, a blood test is the only way to be certain.

I don't like blood, and I'm afraid of needles. Is there any...

- This isn't typical. - It isn't?

No, not really, no.

I don't know, I didn't know what to do or where to go.

- Just go see the nurse. - Do I need to come back another day?

She'll take care of it. She's excellent at drawing blood.

It'll be fine. Promise.

When I remember it, I remember fearing...

...inside my body is a body...

Morning sickness,

backaches, stretch marks,

hemorrhoids, varicose veins, fatigue,

indigestion, heartburn,

breast tenderness, nausea, nine months until a birthday.

Shortness of breath, rashes, mood swings, dry skin,

constipation, engorged genitals, vaginal discharge, faintness,

bloating disease, leg cramps.

The most difficult part of giving birth was...

The clock on the wall was the worst enemy.

You remember everything about that day to the second.

Every minute was like an hour.

The moment that the contractions first start...

- It was painful. - Pain is so horrific that it doesn't seem natural.

I just wanted to rip my hair out.

I just remember screaming.

That needle was so long.

And the contractions just kept getting stronger.

All the blood vessels in my face broke.

Felt like my face was turning inside out.

All of the sudden, they're telling you they have to cut you open.

And there was just blood everywhere.

And you realize like you're going to have this baby

and be responsible.

Listen, I have really bad veins.

I got them from my dad.

Could you please come here?

There's an issue that requires your immediate attention.

When I remember it...

I remember wanting...

more time with him.

More hours.

More minutes.

More words.

Even more silence.

Dad, can you pass the bread?

Robert?

Please.

- Here you go, honey. - Thanks, Mom.

Robert?

Robert, did you take the car in?

Robert?

What are you doing?

Robert?

Look at me.

Robert.

Did you take the car...?

Sorry.

- Shouldn't have done that. - But I...

Listen, I've been doing this for a long time.

Now, make a fist.

Faster.

Faster.

Come on. Almost there.

Don't stop now, Lissa.

Couldn't find the vein.

Gotta try again.

He started working in the mine on his 18th birthday.

He was a beltman.

He said it paid well, that it wasn't too dangerous.

He did it for 26 years.

He took pride in his work.

Can't see the vein, but I can feel it.

His grandfather was a coal miner before his father.

His father before his brother.

His brother before him.

His brother with him.

The Steelers are on at 1:00 Sunday.

Kids coming over?

It's been a while since you've been over.

Robert.

Robert.

Hey, Gus, could you give us a second, please?

Thank you.

Look, no shit.

These last couple weeks, you're fucked up.

Yeah. No, I'm good.

Look, you're my kid brother.

If you need anything, if there's anything I can do for you...

You know, whatever.

I'm here for you.

I know.

Got it.

That's it.

- That's it? - Now you just have to wait for your results.

It isn't much of a dinner, but...

You're what?

What grade are you in?

Eleventh. Duh.

Ha.

Your mom expects you to go to college.

So do I.

I know.

Nobody pushed me into doing anything.

Except work in the mines.

- Was that with Uncle Keith? - Yeah, but he's...

You okay?

I'm so proud of you.

You sure you're okay?

You're the best part of me.

I want you to have everything that I didn't have.

You know, your mother can be...

But she loves you.

She's so...

Just remember that.

Seriously, is everything okay?

Everything's fine.

Sure?

Everything's gonna be fine.

Everything...

is gonna be fine.

On that day, he woke up at 7 a.m.

Or he woke up at 7:30 a.m.

No one knows for certain.

He had slept for three hours.

Or for three and a half hours.

His morning was the same as it had been for 26 years.

He always drank two cups of coffee,

but the autopsy report said that there was alcohol in his system.

I prefer to think there wasn't.

At about 8:15 a.m., he bought a pack of cigarettes.

- The last words he ever heard were... - Have a good one.

- Or he heard... - See you tomorrow.

- Or he heard... - Need any matches?

Or he heard nothing.

He drove south on Church Street...

turned right on route 31...

took the ramp to route 70 heading east...

continued on 119 north...

took a right...

then another right.

As he drove, he smoked five cigarettes.

He arrived at his destination some time late in the morning.

Was he crying?

Did he think of his wife, his daughter?

Did he ask for forgiveness?

Was his last feeling relief?

Took over six hours for his body to be found.

When I remember it...

I remember wishing...

I could start over.

I could go back to the first day of school.

I could try harder.

I could get better grades.

I could take back that first kiss.

I could erase the mistakes I've made.

I could say goodbye to him.

I could tell him not to make that drive.

I could explain what he left us with.

I could listen to my mom more.

I could be more patient.

More understanding.

More empathetic.

I could do all of those things.

I could start over.

I'm Joan Maruska.

Thank you so much for coming out.

I'm going to talk to you about the importance of unions in our lives,

in our country's life.

Unions are important because they are the only organized

collective voice for workers in America.

Mom?

I know it's been a long time, but something's happened.

Why don't you come in and we'll talk about it?

It's Daniel's, isn't it?

I'm not sure it's anything yet.

But yeah.

You know, you're gonna have to start taking care of yourself.

You're gonna have to eat better and you're...

- Stop, I get it. - You are going to have to be responsible

for someone else.

- I need... - You need to grow up.

- I can't fucking... - Stop that language and don't you raise...

- You're judging me. - Don't you raise your...

I came here for help,

and all you can do is stare at your fucking wine glass.

All you can think about is yourself.

What does that even mean?

Look, I feel bad.

The situation is bad, it's really bad.

I'm glad to hear that you feel bad,

because if you didn't feel bad...

I would be worried that you wouldn't feel anything at all.

Wonder where I get that from.

I can't live up to your bullshit expectations.

I try, I try every day. That's all I do.

You're a constant disappointment to me.

Every day I think of you, and you know what I think?

You think I'm okay with this, to be stuck here?

What makes you think I'm okay with my life?

I think, what a waste.

I don't expect you to go to Harvard,

to win a Rhodes Scholarship.

- I don't expect much out of you. - I hate it.

I hate Dad for what he did, I hate you for how you are.

I expect you to do something.

You've squandered every opportunity,

everything your father wanted for you.

- I hate everything. - Look at you, just look at you.

- I hate my stupid life. - That's your answer for everything.

Oh, I hate this. Oh, everything sucks.

Yeah, Mom, keep mocking.

"I'm just a poor little victim baby with nothing,

and everybody sucks but me." - Keep it coming.

- What else? What else? - You know what?

I'm sick of trying with you. I am sick.

Yeah, you're right.

That's the first right thing you've ever said, you're sick.

And you sicken me.

At least I do something with myself.

- Talk talk, that's all it is. - You are 20 years old.

- And what do you do? - When I really need you, you're not present!

- I came to you, I need your help. - I don't even know you!

- I need you. - And the shit you do! The shit you do!

I didn't kill him. It's not my fault.

You say you try. I don't see you trying.

You say you try? I try.

And I tried.

And I still try.

You just wallow in it.

I loved him and...

As if I didn't.

That is not what I meant.

And you know what? You did kill him.

The same way, when I was, what, 8, you told me my lower lip was too big.

My eyes were too close together.

I didn't do that.

You did. You did the same thing to him, slowly, over time.

Like when you belittled me when I was learning to count.

I'd always mess up four and five.

I'm sorry that happened.

It didn't just happen. It wasn't an accident.

You did it.

Again and again.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I did that to you.

You fucking should be.

Happy birthday, by the way.

I thought you forgot.

Okay. Okay, Lissa.

What do you want to talk about?

Did you know...

Did you think...

Did you know he would ever do anything like that?

No, no.

I was working so much, you know.

Seventy hours a week, I wasn't around.

I mean, I think if I had been, maybe I, maybe I could have...

Yeah, I think the same things.

I want you to know something about your father.

He was never happy.

Even when we were young and I first met him

at the union rally, he wasn't happy.

He never thought anything he did was good.

He never thought anything he did was worthwhile, except for one thing.

He loved you.

More than anything in the world.

And he was proud of you.

I remember the day you were born.

You were... you were so little.

You fit into his, his arm, just...

your whole length of your body, and he held you

and he pulled you to his heart, and I want you to know...

it was your father that wanted to have you.

I wasn't sure that I would be a good mother.

And I know I'm not a lot of the time.

- I know I mess up. - Yeah, so do I.

But to answer your question,

yes, I knew he was getting worse.

He was drinking all the time.

Just like his father, you must have noticed that.

I don't know, I think so.

I knew that something was very wrong with him.

And I wanted him to get help.

Did you like force him?

It was more complicated than that.

Nobody forced anybody.

Okay, well, explain it to me.

Why do you always do that?

Why can't you just tell me?

This is...

uh, very...

hard for me to talk about.

That's not fair.

I don't care if it's fair or not.

- He was my dad. - Hmm.

Yeah, great. That's a stunning observation.

Fuck you. I fucking hate you.

That's better, but still not original.

- What the fuck is wrong with you? - I think it's better

for you just to stay in your fantasy world.

You're the worst fucking thing that has ever happened to me.

I can't believe you won't tell...

I can't believe...

I can't believe you won't tell me.

I can't bel...

I can't believe...

I can't believe you won't tell me.

I can't fucking believe you won't tell me!

Just tell me!

Okay.

It was Wednesday.

The day before.

- The day before he died? - Yeah.

The day with the door.

The door.

Yeah.

But what I didn't tell you is that I was there.

- You'd always said... - I know.

But I didn't want you to think of him that way.

It's hard to even imagine him like that.

I wish I could have hid that from you.

It was there when I got home.

Everything I did was to protect you from him.

And from that, and from knowing that.

I was just...

- Reacting? - Something like that.

I don't even know what I... what I... what I did.

Stop.

He came towards me...

- Mom. - Please.

Don't.

Stop!

Robert! Stop! Stop!

You don't have to do whatever you're thinking of doing!

And he said, "First you..."

- No. - "...then Lissa, then me."

No. He would never say that.

There are things I'm not gonna tell you.

There are parts of this you're never gonna know.

Robert.

I told him I was leaving him.

And that I was taking you with me.

And that we couldn't live like this.

And he...

Don't...

Don't tell her.

And I went looking for you, and I looked all over.

I went to school, and you weren't there.

I went over to Daniel's parents' house, you weren't there.

I went to Aimee's house, I looked all over,

and then I came home and you were there.

With him.

He was so calm.

He made me a sandwich.

And he said, "Everything's gonna be fine."

I know.

What I really thought is that everything was okay

and that it was over.

And then he left.

And that's the last time...

He did come back. He came back later that night

and he got into bed with me and I was too tired to say anything

or to do anything.

And then the next morning, he was gone.

There's nothing you could have done, you know that, right?

- Yeah. Yeah, I know. - Listen to me.

There is nothing you could have done.

I miss him a lot.

Despite everything that happened, I miss him all the time.

I never thought you can love a human being

as much as you love your kids.

And you'll do anything for them, anything.

The best part of the day is whenever my kids smile at me

or they give me a hug and say, "I love you, Mommy."

My kids are my best friends. They are.

They are my world. They're funny.

You know, I just love 'em, I love 'em.

No matter what they do,

that you will, as a mother, love them unconditionally.

They're the reason that I've chosen to go on with life,

when I didn't want to.

As long as they can grow up happy and healthy

and be good people,

that you'll do anything that you need to do

to make that happen.

I love her.

Everything...

would be okay...

if he just hadn't...

It can still be okay.

Well, we have to find out whether, um...

Either way.

Everything in the past has just gone so wrong.

I wish... I wonder...

Listen to me.

You can question everything in the past.

All the whos, the whats, the wheres,

but what matters is here now.

I'm here for you.

You're not alone.

When I remember it, I remember understanding.

When the test results came in...

I knew it wasn't my time.

But one day it will be.

Then I'll be ready.

Gonna make a wish?

Absolutely.

- What is it? - I can't tell you.

It won't come true.

Want to know what mine is?

On the count of three.

One...

two...

three.