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Got a little treat for you tonight.
My first guest is a young man,

and when I say young man,
I mean a young man.

He's landed the lead role in an NBC pilot,

and he won that audition
with a song and dance routine,

and we thought he did it so well
that you might like to meet him tonight.

Would you welcome Reef Hawk.

Reef.

Give my regards to Broadway

Remember me to Herald Square

Tell all the gang
At 42nd Street

That I will soon be there

Whisper of how I'm yearning

To mingle with the old-time throng

Give my regards to Old Broadway

And tell 'em I'll be there 'ere long!

Give my regards to Old Broadway

And tell 'em I'll be there

Yeah, I'll be there

Yeah, I'll be there 'ere long

Yeah

Sure.

Sure.

Reef Hawk, for the last four decades,
America's favorite movie star.

What an unbelievable career you've had.

Starring in three
of the biggest franchises in film history,

winning two Oscars.

And this fall, you'll shoot
the biggest movie you've ever made.

You've had five years off to reflect.

I mean, is that what you're gonna say?
"Reflect"?

I mean, how are you going to frame
the five years thing?

Also, I should literally be
a famous-ass interviewer.

Even when I'm fake interviewing I'm, like,

- incredible at it.
- Incredible.

Thank you. So, what are you gonna say
about the five years thing?

Well, I was thinking I was going to say...

I've been working since I was six
and needed a break,

and that I needed to find out
who I was away from all this.

- I love that.
- That works. Totally.

I won't say that I was hiding a heroin
addiction from the public,

and that my best friends from high school
and my insane lawyer

helped me cover it up for years

- so no one ever found out.
- That is a really smart omission.

- Strong omish.
- No admish.

You're gonna be amazing, babe.

- You got this.
- Yeah.

I'm very lucky to have you two.

And thank you both for being here,
and thank you for helping me.

Yeah, babe. Now get out there
and tap-dance for Mommy.

Yeah, there are the jazz hands.

That's it.

Two minutes.

All right, look. Before we get started,
I just gotta say

this is a career highlight for me.

You, Tom Cruise, Denzel,

- you're my favorite actors of all time.
- Thanks.

So, look, first we're gonna start off
with the box office records and...

- What?
- Do you... Do you mind?

I don't know if anyone talked to you but...

- Oh, my God. He's...
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, no.
- He's asking about the Oscar thing.

I know. I can tell.

When you introduce me,
would you mind not forgetting to say

"two-time Oscar winner"
before you say Reef Hawk?

Of course.
I was planning on doing it anyway.

I mean, I thought it was
something serious. Of course, man.

Yeah. I mean, I would...

I would never even say it.
It's just that sometimes

people forget.

Who forgets?

You are the most beloved movie star
in the world.

I'm just honored to have you on the show.

- It's gonna be a cakewalk for you.
- Thanks, man.

Hi. How are you?

We're Reef's best friends
from high school,

but, like, we have our own lives too.

- We're just here supporting him, yeah.
- Here to support.

But, listen, you are so fucking charming.

- Yeah.
- Enough of that.

I don't want to fan out too much.
You ready?

Yeah, let's go for it.

Let's go for it.

- Let's try one.
- We'll get one going. Here we go.

Three, two, one.

Tonight I'm interviewing somebody
I never thought I would interview.

I'm talking about a legend, an icon,
what is there even to say?

Reef Hawk is in the house.

Welcome.

Oh, wait. Sorry, I messed up.

I left out the Oscar part. I'm sorry.

Guys, got to do it again.

- Sorry about that.
- No. Oh, no.

- We're leaving this in.
- No, no, no.

No, we are not starting over.

People at home need to see this.

Let me tell you right now,
if I'm ever the kind of out-of-touch jerk

who needs to restart an intro
because you didn't mention an award,

brother, we got way bigger problems.

My man. My man.

Look, that's why the world loves you, man.

The real Reef Hawk. That's amazing.

Reef Hawk, are you ready?

- We're already started.
- Yes, we are.

- We've got to go.
- All right. Babe, babe.

I know you love MOPing with the crew,

but we're gonna hit crazy traffic
if we don't get out of here.

What's MOPing?

M-O-P.

Man-of-the-People-ing.

That's actually
pretty fucking funny, homey.

- Thanks.
- Yeah, we should get going.

All right, can I talk to you guys
for a second?

- Of course. Hey, guys.
- Yeah.

- Thanks so much.
- We're good.

- Thank you.
- Bye.

Did anyone else see
the silver fox eye-fucking me?

- What?
- I am so serious.

It was so blatant and out in the open,
I almost want to, like, write an op-ed.

- Really?
- But I liked it.

- Reef.
- Reef.

- Reef. Reef.
- What are you doing?

We don't know those guys.

They could literally go online
and say that I was, like,

being fake or MOPing
or whatever insult you just said,

and then people will think
that I'm like that.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- So...
- "So"?

That would be, like, a fucking disaster.

- Reef, chill out, dude.
- Yeah.

- Dude, take a deep breath, okay?
- Take a deep breath.

It's just...

It's just that you--

It's just that you're always being
watched these days and observed.

- Yeah.
- Everywhere.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's really weird.

It's really weird.

Okay, but, babe, you just have to--

- It's okay.
- Yeah.

Look, it... This was, like,
a really stressful situation for you.

- Yeah.
- So just take a deep breath.

- It's all good.
- I'm sorry, okay?

- Yeah.
- I... I was just being dumb

- and trying to be funny, and...
- Yeah.

- No, I'm sorry.
- No, please.

- I have a lot of anxiety today. I just...
- Of course.

- It was huge.
- My bad.

- You don't have to do that.
- No, come on.

- Love you guys.
- Come here.

- You love us.
- You love us.

- I love you guys.
- We love you.

By the way, you were amazing.

- Oh, my gosh. He is a fan.
- You got everything you needed.

Yeah?

Shit.

- Hello.
- Bubbi, it's Ira.

We got a big fucking problem.

It's fucked up. It's really fucked up.

It's a total fucking nightmare.

I'll be over at 10:30 a.m. tomorrow.

I'll have my assistant text your assistant
my breakfast order.

Beg her not to fuck it up for me.

Do I have shit on my face?

- Yes.
- I do?

- Yes.
- Oh, my God. That's fucking embarrassing.

- Jesus.
- Ira, tell me what the fuck is going on.

There's a video.

Jesus fucking Christ.

- What's on it?
- I have no idea.

I thought you buried everything

that needed to be buried
without it getting out to the public.

When I got sober five years ago,
I changed my life.

And thank God you did.
But since you've been out of the game,

everything's changed.

For the record, you are the GOAT.
The true GOAT, Bubbi.

You were the best to ever do it.
I swear to God.

I hate to say it, but it's nice to be back
on the fucking court with ya.

We used to be out here in these streets

smashing fucking concrete,
getting our hands dirty.

Hollywood was our goddamn glory hole.

These kids today,
they don't know how we used to do it.

You, me, Rourke, little Chucky Sheen,

Stephen Hawking, you know,
the original Pussy Posse?

You boys kept me busy, didn't ya?

Can't you just make this go away
like you always used to?

I can't, Bubbi.
The Internet changed everything.

I know you're panicked,

and we used to get this shit wrapped up
with a briefcase of cash in a day or two.

It ain't like that anymore.

You can text me or call me

twenty-four hours a day,
just like the old days.

Except for Tuesdays
from 3:00 p.m. till about 10:00 p.m.

What's on Tuesdays?

Personal shit. Don't worry about it.

What?

Are you okay?

Do I have to be in here?

Can't I just wait until you're done?

Bubbi, I'm on a massive time crunch.

By the way,

- I love this gay wallpaper.
- Thanks.

Xander bought all the art in the house.

Very colorful.

Very gay and classy.

Look, Bubbi, there are some steps
we can take in the meantime

while we're waiting this out.

But I need you to be
completely honest with me.

There are no more secrets between us.

Look into my eyes.
Do not break eye contact with me, Bubbi.

Have you ever killed someone?

No, Ira. I've never killed someone.

I can't wipe my ass with this.

This performative, "I'm a good person,"
environmental toilet paper.

- What's your assistant's name?
- Sammy.

- Sammy!
- Yeah?

Come in here.

Can you go into the master
and bring the toilet paper here?

- The good toilet paper.
- The good toilet paper.

- Yeah.
- And, Bubbi, just real quick,

it's primary not master.

- What thread count is it?
- Sorry.

I don't know, Ira.

- It's Scott from the store.
- Toss it, let me see.

Jesus Christ.

It smells like...

like earring backs in here.

Yes. That means you're healthy.

What the fuck?

Cover your mouth. That's disgusting.

- You've got germs.
- I'm... I'm sorry, I--

- Besides the health stuff, it's so rude.
- I'm sorry.

Aside from me getting sick, it's rude

because those particles fly
into my nose and m...

- Do y... Can you--
- Sammy, just--

Actually, is this fucked up
to say I kind of like this?

Turn around, Bubbi, eye contact.

Come closer.

- Have you ever killed someone?
- No, Ira.

Okay.

Bubbi, I'm not a judgy person.

I'm more of a "you do you,
I'ma go ahead and do me," girl.

Ira!

I have never killed someone!

For real!

You're making me uncomfortable
with your anger.

And I think that's
something we should look at.

You can have at the scraps.

- I'm sorry, what?
- You can have at the scraps.

That's really nice of you, Ira. Thank you.

You know, she's actually great.

- Yeah.
- I like her. Next, have you ever watched

- anyone be killed?
- No, Ira.

Have you ever paid someone
to kill someone?

- No.
- Have you ever fucked a dead person?

- No.
- Has a dead person ever fucked you?

No!

How does that even work?

Let's just say it starts with Mel Gibson
and a whole lot of poppers,

and ends two decks over with
the 10:00 a.m. Nate'n Al's breakfast.

You do the math, gorgeous.

Just to be clear, you're saying
how a corpse fucks a human being

is that Mel Gibson takes poppers?

You're saying that. You're saying that.

I would never betray a client like that,

and I'm offended
you would even suggest it.

I would lose my license to practice law
in the state of California if I did.

But just between us,
it's pretty fucked up actually.

They partied with the guy
like he was alive all weekend.

They actually made
a cute little picture about it.

Weekend at Bernie's?

Yes, Weekend at Bernie's, Bubbi.

You're hysterical.

You've gotten funnier.

I need to know everyone who hates you.

Who hates me?

Fuck.

My first manager
from when I was a kid probably.

Good, right. The guy who represents kid
actors and works out of the bowling alley.

Who else?

My old on-and-off ex-girlfriend, Savannah.

Okay, and?

- Who else?
- That's it.

Who hates him?

What?

Who hates him?

Well, off the top of my head,

your old manager,
your old trainer, your new trainer,

your old pool guy,
your old, old pool guys,

your mom.

Your mom hates you.

Those three shelter dogs
that you got when you were lonely

and then returned when you realized,
like, they don't wipe their own asses,

and I sure as fuck wasn't gonna do it.

Your old boxing coach,
your old tennis instructor, your ex,

and I have, like, a separate list for,
like, directors, actors,

costume designers, hair and makeup people,
craft service, whatever, la-da-da-da-da,

and, like, executives that you've worked
with if you want me to start on that.

Jesus Christ.

Sorry.

Can I just say something?
My old trainer doesn't hate me,

because he passed away.

- Okay.
- I'm just saying.

Hey,

I believe you, pal, I really do.
That's... That's awesome.

You need to go see these people
and apologize to them.

Make it right with them.

And without them realizing it, feel out
if they're the ones behind the video.

I don't know if I can do that, Ira.

That's way too intense.

Bubbi, you don't have to mean it.

You just have to go through the motions
of apologizing to save your ass.

All right, Bubbi, I gotta get going.

Tom Hanks body-slammed his housekeeper.

It's not as bad as it sounds.

They were just roughhousing,
but she is in her 70s.

Shouldn't be horsing around like that.

So, I should get over to Cedars
and make sure shit's kosher.

By the way,
incredible crushed ice at Cedars.

I'll let you know if I hear anything.

My assistant said all of these
people don't like me.

Was I an asshole?

Do you want to take longer to answer that?

- Just to people you interacted with.
- Yeah.

- Not like fans and stuff.
- No.

I think there maybe was a time
where your success did go to your head.

And maybe you weren't, like,

super considerate
about how you spoke to people.

And now you're very aware.

But up until, like, a few years ago,
you could kind of get away with

being a secret dick.

We've known each other for 40 years. We've
been there and supported one another.

We have always known
the person that was in there.

Yeah, and go easy on yourself.

You were literally on drugs.

It's way easier to support you

now that you're sober.

I mean, at least we don't have to come
grab you out of that creepy doll store

you used to buy heroin at downtown.

I mean, you know how many
empty, naked baby dolls

I had to explain to the housekeeper?
Yeah, I had to look up in Spanish,

"Don't worry, Maria. It's no for sexual.

It's for drug."

By the way, zero parking
at the heroin doll store downtown.

Yeah.

It got bad.

It got really scary.

I don't ever want to see
that look in your eye again.

You never will.

So, let's do what Ira says.

Make the apologies
and find out who's extorting you.

He always gets you out of this stuff.

It's going to be so fun.

I'm already putting together a playlist
for the apology/who's-extorting-Reef tour.

Hey, Siri,

whip me up a playlist

for a middle-aged man
in extreme state of crisis.

But keep it fun and slutty.

And skinny.

If the party's where you're at
Then let me know

Said, uh, don't be trippin'
When you see us in the club

I will say, I kind of hate extortion,

but the upside is that we all get
to drive around together

like the dumb sluts we used to be
in high school.

And I am obsessed

- with that part of extortion.
- Beyond.

What I really enjoy about it
is that we get to be here with you...

- Yes.
- ...Reef.

And guess what else I brought with me?

OMG. Are we going to smoke?

We're not going to smoke. We're 120, okay?

- We're going to fake smoke.
- Yes.

I cannot believe kids vape these days.

- They are so gay.
- They... They're so lame.

If I saw a kid vaping,
I would literally run over to him,

push him over and just be like,
"Nice look, virgin."

They're literally an oral fedora.

Fuck. I haven't seen this guy
in like 30 years,

and now I'm gonna be late
to apologize, and I...

I'm gonna look like
even more of an asshole.

I've always said it's not an amends
unless you power top it.

Just get in there
and just dom it out, babe.

I love outlandish humor with my friends.

You know, kid, I found this guy Reef
over at Oakwoods, same as you,

and I signed him.

At this booth.

Same as you.

Right here at this booth.

Reef, can't wait to work with you.

I know our schedules will line up
one of these days.

Can you imagine them

letting us two silverbacks
pound our chests in the same cage?

I'd sit down and order a salad,

but I've got a 4:30 callback

- for that Valtrex commercial.
- Valtrex?

Yeah. I'm reading for the grandson
of the woman who has genital herpes.

It's actually quite a complex character.

I love that. Is Ellen casting it?

- Yep. Ellen's such a sweet girl, huh?
- Okay. I know she is.

And we love her.

Fuck me. I'm late.

Beautiful day, guys.

Okay. Hey, knock 'em dead, will you?

Always do and will do.

Oh, wow.

Quit cigs. Sixteen days now.

Sorry.

- That's awesome, Red.
- Yes, thank you.

Red Rodriguez.

Manager to the stars.

Always bet on Red, baby.

Yeah.

Still out here hustling.

Red.

I came here to apologize to you.

Can I ask you something, Reef?

Of course.

What are you sorry for?

I'm really sorry I fired you.

You know, I remember
when I met you by the pool,

and you had no front teeth, you know?

You were so fucking adorable.

You were really there for me at that time.

I was, I was.

But you had this fucking light in you.

You'd light up my days.

And I'm not just talking about the work.
The work was always brilliant.

But you...

Well, you started getting jobs,

and there he is.

There he is, huh?

And I was fucking proud, I gotta tell you,
and not just because I'm your manager but...

You know,

it was almost as if it was me, in a way,
I was so proud.

Then you start running around Hollywood,

and you're getting
some bit parts in movies,

you're hitting the clubs,
you're getting some pussy,

and I'm getting nervous.

Not just 'cause I don't want you
to get in trouble for your career,

but I'm worried about you
getting in trouble for you.

And I hear things.

I mean, weed and all that I know, okay,

but I hear the harder stuff.

The harder stuff.

And I didn't know how to handle it,
you know?

I did the best I could at that time.

I wanted to smack the shit out of you,

but I still worked for you.

Really, honestly,
I didn't know what my role was.

You know, in that whole thing.
I just didn't know.

Maybe I handled it right,
maybe I did the right thing...

maybe I didn't.

I really don't know. I don't know
what's right or wrong in this situation.

Anyway.

Look, I didn't expect you to stay.
I didn't expect that.

I know... I know I'm a joke to you guys now.

The bowling alley, the roulette wheel.

I know who the fuck I am.

I know what the fuck I am.

Which is, I'm the guy you leave
if I do my job right.

Okay?

I know that. It's all right.

I loved all you crazy little cocksuckers.

I really did.

But you were different, you see.

You were different. You were like...

You were like family to me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you know, what gets me is that not one
of you guys ever picked up the phone.

Not one.

Every time with you guys,

the last time we spoke
was the last time we spoke.

I mean, all I ever wanted was
to pick up the phone and hear,

"Hey, Red."

Could've called me.

I didn't have your number.

Hi.

I just want to say I'm a big fan.

- Thank you, I appreciate that. Thank you.
- Yeah.

Mate, you're Reef fucking Hawk.

Fuck! You fucking serious?

- There was a period where I did not...
- ...ecstasy on a night out...

...speak to my son for three years.

...11 years ago in Sydney.

...you and Sean Penn.

I chucked it in the dumpo
'cause she was on the blob.

Aside from my feelings on the film,
technically, it's astonishing.

I must admit,
I feel like you chucked it in my dumpo.

Oh, actually.

What's your phone number?

Hey, pal, excuse me. Yo.

Hey, I don't want to interrupt you.
I never do this.

I'm a big fan.

I'm not here to blow you up or bug you.

I just want to tell you I'm renting this
for a while, wanted to introduce myself.

- Reef.
- Yeah, no, I know.

I'm Buddy. I'm everybody's buddy.

We're having some people over today.

If we make noise,
some rap music or something, just tell me.

We got tons of food.
We're gonna have some celebs.

Cool, awesome.

Hon, the McLaren's taking up both spots,
and Yudi's pulling up from Nobu.

I'll take care of it.

Honey, get off your feet.
You gotta lay down.

How many cigarettes did Dr. Crane say
I could smoke while pregnant again?

He said zero.

Hey, I know you. You dated my grandma.

That's Reef.

Nice to meet you, Queef.

Fucking shit, dude.

Having my first kid.

Well, congrats.

I'm like a kid having a kid.

But I'm under 60.

That's what they call a Malibu teen dad.

You got kids?

No.

Oh, yeah. I read that.

Fuck, you're lucky, dude.

You just get to party 24-7.
I gotta deal with this shit.

Anyway, all love, homey.

Have a good one.

I always do and I will do.

"Man's Search for Meaning."

It's like the most lit Holocaust book.

My therapist gave me this one
after my parents' divorce.

And, like, in a way, the divorce was
my family's personal Holocaust.

You know? Like, the mistress was Hitler.

My mom was like Jesse Jackson,

that black guy that won that medal
'cause he ran really fast.

- Jesse Owens.
- Jesse Owens.

And I was like Anne Frank.

You know, because I was, like, hiding
from my shame.

This book taught me, like,
not to hide anymore.

And I don't think you should either,
so I'm giving this to you.

It would be good for you.

Excuse me.

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna give you some privacy.

Ira, what's happening?

Fuck, Bubbi, I'm so glad
I caught you. Holy shit.

- What is it?
- Did you see a pair of sunglasses

after I left your house?

I'm, like, fucked up looking for 'em.
They're Chanel.

Ira, are you fucking kidding me?

No, no, I know. I never splurge like that.

Ira, you scared the shit out of me.
I thought something had leaked,

or something fucked had happened
with the video.

- Oh, shit. Did something happen?
- I'm asking you!

- Are you fucking serious?
- Bubbi, I'm fucking with you.

But for real though,
shit is not going well.

I got nothing on my side.

You gotta keep apologizing to people.
All right?

Oh, hey, Bubbi,
sorry if I sound distracted.

I'm getting an IV drip right now.

I'm also doing couples therapy
and playing chess.

I'll call you back when I hear something.

So, do you, like, want me to pretend
that I don't know what's going on

to, like, make things easier for you or...

or... or what?

Let me think on it.

I may just want to pretend things are not
insane with one person in my life.

Sure.

What extortion?

Thanks, Sammy.

It's been so long, Mom.

It has.

I have a lot to...

apologize to you for.

For starters, I was often very rude

about you participating
in this kind of entertainment.

I'm sorry for that.

Fuck, sorry.

Could we try that one more time, hon?

The label wasn't cheated
towards the camera.

And that was such a great
fucking emotional moment.

I'm so fucking touched. Genuinely.

I just have to be sure it's usable
because my content partners need it.

Sometimes you gotta tickle their balls
so Mommy can get her beak wet.

My son may be a star,
but I'm a whole damn planet.

This is so triggering and fucked up
for so many reasons,

I can't even begin to tell you.

Didn't you come here to apologize to me?

Yeah. And you'd only receive the apology
if we did it on the show,

which makes my skin crawl
that you're even on in the first place.

Okay, we'll get to that in one second,
you pretentious little fuck.

But for starters,
you showed up, didn't you?

You're a little truffle-sniffing
fame piggy,

- just like Mommy.
- I wanted to please you.

I became famous to please you.

I supported your career,
day in and day out,

for nine years of my life.

I wanted a parent,
not a business collaborator.

When you were a little kid,
you begged me every day to be on TV.

Begged me.

I'm talking tantrums, days-long tantrums.

Fits, making scenes, screaming,
carrying on.

I didn't know what to do.

I was 25 and you were 6.

So I moved us across the country,
away from your father, my husband,

away from my parents, my support system,

into a shitty little month-to-month
in the Valley

so I could take you
to auditions every day.

You were my focus.

Your father left us.

Not just you, he left me too.

I sacrificed my marriage.

Who were you sacrificing anything for
when you were 25, Reef?

But then something amazing happened.

Your fucking dreams came true.

And I went from being a little nobody
in the middle of nowhere

to, suddenly, my son singing and dancing
on The Tonight Show.

You became a big, famous actor.

You got everything you ever wanted.

Mom.

I was a kid.

Kids don't know what they want.

Kids want to be astronauts.

Yeah, and some of them
actually do become astronauts,

the ones whose dreams are supported
by their mothers.

Mom, I felt used and exploited.

You stopped seeing me
when I got on this show.

You stopped talking to me.

Your fucking mother.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

That's not okay.

Can we take that
from after "You're right,"

but before "Sorry, that's not okay"?

I want to get a different reaction
on my side.

Jesus fucking Christ!

- You see?
- What?

You even take a moment like that
and make it for the show.

You make it for show.

I was actually feeling in that moment.

I didn't say anything about your take.

I bought it.
Your delivery was very strong.

I just wanted one where I cry
and one where I don't on my side,

so the editor will have options.

What even is an apology, Reef?

Is it for you? Is it for me?

Isn't an apology just a show also?

This was such a fucked idea.

You are such a scorched unit.

Not everything is one thing, Reef.

Yes, I want to be great on the show,

but I mean everything
that was in this conversation.

Just because the cameras are rolling
doesn't mean it's not real.

Just because it's performative
doesn't mean that it's not the truth.

Why can't it be both?

You and I see things
so fucking differently, Reef.

I've accepted that.

I hope you can too one day.

I'm not trying to change you.

So don't try and change me.

Kyle, your abstinence dog is out here.

Do you want me to let him in
or do you a favor and put it down

so someone will date you?

Just put it under the window
over there, guys. Thanks.

I should not be
lifting this couch right now.

I have been so nauseous today.

Babe. Maybe you're pregnant.

Has that unhoused gentleman
outside of General Nutrition

that you've been
romantically intertwined with

not been using contraception?

- Babe.
- Yeah?

I'm as at risk of getting pregnant
as you are.

- Because you're old.
- Yeah.

That's the meaning of that bit.

Just making sure
you understood the math of it.

Oh, yeah, no. I... I got it. Thanks.

And Reef, I know you can't handle
any of the Housewives stuff...

- Yeah.
- ...but, like, your mom

is so fucking major and iconic.

Like, what was she wearing?

I need details.

Babe, lay off the mom stuff, okay?

Even though we're all dying to know
what she was wearing.

No, it's okay.

But it's not her.

It's not her.

Okay.

Reef, Reef, Reef!

- Hello.
- Be in my office, one hour.

I got the fucking dream team
assembled for you, Bubbi.

One hour. Be here.

Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today
because I have assembled

the greatest group ever
to protect our boy, Reef Hawk,

and bathe him in the waters
of our combined genius.

Nothing?

Prince?

Whatever.

Reef, I would now like to introduce you
to your new crisis team.

Or as I call them,
the R-R-R-R-R-R-Reef Unit.

Didn't land.

Okay. Tough room.

I'll start with one of the greatest
to ever do it.

One of the world's most renowned lawyers,

the most legendary advocate
for women whose rights have been violated!

Her legal reach is wide and long,

and, my man,
you know she doesn't mind that!

Ira.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Virginia Allen-Green!

Reef, it's nice to meet you.

Don't you represent women
who are victims of terrible men?

Not if I hire her first.

I'm not... I didn't, like...

- Oh, I know. I know.
- Oh, we know.

- Bubbi, we know.
- I wouldn't have accepted this

if I thought this was
a MeToo type of thing.

- But if it is--
- It's not.

- We know.
- No, no.

- I know. She knows.
- I know, I know.

- We know, we know.
- Yeah.

- We know. We know.
- We know. We know.

I, of course, know.

But if it is, you're gonna want
Virginia here, Bubbi.

Speaking of,
I would now like to introduce you

to the third in our Three Tenors
of naughtiness.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the sultan of social justice,

the rabbi of race relations!

He's bringing sexy back

...to the Civil Rights Movement.

Ira.

He's been preaching since age three,
and, boy, is his soul tired!

The Reverend Leondrus Carter!

Shut the fuck up, Ira.

He's still sore about last time
we worked together.

Yeah, because you completely ruined
the entire thing

and embarrassed the shit out of me
and my client.

Here we go again. Did you follow
the Jussie Smollett thing?

The two racist guys
who beat up the Black actor,

and it ended up being set up by him?

Leon and I came up with that
at lunch one day. It's a killer idea.

We pitched it around town and Jussie was
the most passionate about the project.

Sometimes these things are
reverse engineered

where the idea comes before the talent.

You know, like when a movie studio has
a franchise,

- but they don't have a star attached?
- Then tell him what happened, Ira.

You're such a fucking hypocrite, Leon.
You're one of my best friends,

I love you more than life itself,
but you're a hypocrite.

You're always on me
about hiring more Black people,

so I hired two Black guys
to beat up Jussie.

This is me growing with elegance,
and all of a sudden I'm the asshole!

You hired two Black guys
to play white supremacists

to commit a hate crime
against a Black guy!

You stupid motherfucker.

It's impossible to keep up.

Hire Black guys, don't hire Black guys.
Make up your mind!

I shouldn't have to explain this one.

You're acting like I didn't even post
a black square a couple years ago.

You saw that. I storied it.

It wasn't on my permanent grid,
but I storied the black square.

I obviously know who you are,
and I'm a fan, Reverend.

But why is he on our team?

I pray to God you didn't say
the word on that video.

What?

No! I would never.

- Oh, I know.
- We know.

- We know.
- Yeah, it's okay.

- We know, I know, he knows.
- Yeah.

- We know.
- Of course we know.

- We know, brother.
- But if you did...

I will smack the living shit out of you.

And then,

we're gonna hold hands and walk
through the fire together, my brother.

I'm not a racist.

Reef, while we totally believe
you aren't racist,

we do know for a fact
you have done racist things.

Which is very common,

except, in your position,
is incredibly dangerous.

I'm Unis Kim.

I'm a lawyer and activist.

I'm here because I famously started
the hashtag "Stop Imitating Asian People."

I did, by the way.

- We noticed. Thank you for doing that.
- Thank you. No, thank you.

Reef, do you recall a scene from a...

Jesus, I'd hate to call it a film...

a thing you were in called

Titty School Six:
Let's Get Tit-tarted In Here?

An '80s, low-budget teen comedy

Ira buried when you got famous?

We think someone may have found it.

Do you recall a scene from this film

in which your character,
Israel Boner Shartstein,

is tasked with breaking into

the girls' sorority
to steal their bras and panties?

And in order to pull off this caper,

you, as your character,

dress up as a geisha
to sneak into the sorority?

We think someone may be
framing the scene in a modern context

to use it to cancel you
for being racist against Asian people.

It was a scene in a stupid movie.

It wasn't me, it was
a character in a movie.

Doesn't matter. Hey, wait.

Where's Moshe from
the Anti-Semitism Committee?

We ran the numbers.

It turns out that hating Jews doesn't
negatively affect a person's career.

In fact, it could even help.

Like, that sounds like

- a freak-o acid trip.
- So, what,

you go through every
hypothetical, fucked-up thing

you may have ever
done in your entire life?

- Yeah.
- If we broke down

my texts to my dry cleaner on Tuesday,
I'd never work again.

I mean, it felt like fire against my skin
the whole entire time.

I hate that you're being put through this.

I just hate it when you're sad.

You know, I was thinking
about when you got clean,

how you never did AA
or any other program like that

'cause you were just, like, so worried

that people were gonna recognize you
and out that you had a problem,

and how that would, you know,
affect your image of course.

But a big part of all of that is
doing the steps, right?

Apologizing to the people you hurt.

Maybe this whole thing is, like,
the universe's way of making sure

that you apologize to the people that were
hurt by your addiction, you know?

I'm sure there's a lot of people
that would appreciate an apology from you.

Right, Xander?

Yeah.

Sure.

You're right.

Fuck, this is hard.

I need to apologize...

to Savannah.

Yeah.

I'm gonna try and get back
before dinner, but thank you.

- Yeah.
- Thanks.

What the actual fuck?

Dude, I don't even know what I said.

- It was like...
- He's just...

What?

Why did I...

- So stupid.
- Oh, babe. No, you're right about that.

- No, it's stupid.
- Come here.

I don't think you're stupid.

Reef.

Savannah.

Here we are.

Dude, you are so annoying.

I can hate you or wanna kill you

or even forget about you,
but then you sit here in front of me

and you are still the goofy kid

lighting fireworks off
at the vents behind the mall,

almost going deaf.

Jesus.
I haven't thought about that in so long.

Such a little twerp.

Always showing off for everybody,
center of attention.

But I always liked you
in moments like this.

When it was just us talking.

Nobody to show off for.

I pulled it off. Photo finish.

Don't worry, they're not yours.

That's not funny.

Okay, Reef.

Do they have your sense of humor?

They're smarter than me.

Let's hope they make better choices.

I'm really sorry I let you down.

How do I put this the right way?

I want to use the correct
verbiage here and not mince words.

You're not a good person.

I wasted years of my life on you.

With you.

And about you because
it's always about you, Reef.

Let me guess. Xander and Kyle haven't been
this honest with you

about your behavior
in these conversations.

They never had a problem lying to you.

Or for you.

Yeah, you don't stick around long
with this kind of realness. Do you, Reef?

But I'm not around anymore.

Thank God.

Because after the last thing...

The last thing that happened.

Yeah.

It took finally allowing a good
and devoted man to love me

to realize that I'm not just
a distraction to run to

and toy with when you're...

when you're depressed or...

lonely or between movies or...

literally bored.

Only to discard when
something amazing would happen.

No, you're not.

Correct.

I used to think that telling you
all this would make me happy.

It doesn't.

My family makes me happy.

My ch... My children make me happy.

Ira?

Bubbi, I need you to come
straight back to my office.

I got us a call with the guy.
He's ready to negotiate.

Same seats. Shit. I gotta run.

Adam Driver bought a pet chimp and it
ripped some lady's face off at the mall.

They're cute when you buy 'em,
but then it's like--

Wait. Ira!

Ira, we have him on the line.

All right. This is it. At your stations.
Okay?

Put him through.

Hey, Ira. Yo. How's things?

All good over here. Just in
the office solo doing a million things.

Oh, yeah.

By the sound of that speakerphone and
the cavernous echo in the conference room,

I can tell it's just you in there.

Fuck you. What do you got?

I'm assuming Virginia, Leondrus
and the crew are all in there with you?

- Hello, all.
- Nope. Wrong again.

Okay, Ira.

Hey. By the way, I wanna say,
Reef, if you're there too,

which I'm pretty positive that you are...

I should legally disclose
that I'm your neighbor

who's been renting a house next to
you for the past few months.

What the fuck?

"Legally disclose."
Since when are you a stickler for the law?

All right. Well, you know, not legally,
but, like, homey to homey.

I thought I should tell you that.
It felt fucked up not to.

All right. So what do we got here?

Okay. As you know, I can't reveal much,
but I have procured a video

from a person who wishes to sell it to
the highest-bidding media outlet.

I would like to offer Reef
the opportunity to buy it first.

How fucking generous of you.

All I can tell you
about the video is this.

He comes.

The price is 15 million.
The deadline is Tuesday at 10:00 a.m.

Peace.

"Comes."

"Comes."

"Comes."

- Oh, God.
- "Comes."

"Comes."

"Comes."

This is the actual
worst moment of my life.

"He comes."

I accept that.

I do. I accept it.

But who says coming is bad? Right?

- Yeah, it's a good thing.
- Yeah.

- Nothing bad about it at all.
- I'm sex positive.

- Come makes babies.
- Yeah, yeah.

Babies grow up to be doctors.

Doctors heal us when we're ailing.

Technically he's right.

You know who's made out of come?

- She is.
- I'm not made out of come.

Absolutely are.

Even Reef Hawk.

Dramatic pause.

Matinee idol.

Handprints in
the Grauman's Chinese sidewalk.

100% completely come-based.

I believe in
the profundity of this argument.

This young lady here. Come.

That felt wrong even as I was saying it.

But I urge you to hear me when I say this.

None of us in this room
would be here without come.

Am I wrong?

Applause.

If you want.

If you want. If you want.

- No!
- Whoa, whoa. Bubbi.

You don't understand, Ira.
You don't understand.

I've been so fucking careful!

Hey. You're okay.

I've never filmed myself.
I've never been filmed with anyone.

I've been so fucking careful!

Why is this happening to me?

What did you just say?

Why is this happening to me?

No, before that.

"I've been so fucking careful."

Before that.

"I've never filmed myself."
And, "I've never been filmed with anyone."

What?

What is it?

You were filmed without your consent.

It was nonconsensual.

- Virginia, do you wanna explain this?
- I'd love to.

Reef, have you ever heard
of victim capitalism?

No.

When you were growing up,
you wanted to be an actor.

You wanted to be a gifted artist and that
in turn would bring you riches and fame.

You were part of the recognition
for talent generation.

But people got tired of having to work
hard and actually be good at something.

Why do all that work? It's exhausting.

And the odds are so
terribly low of succeeding.

So, here come the Kardashians.

The big bang happened.

Attention culture.

And it is huge.

Now you don't have to do
anything special to be famous.

You just have to be.

You just have to make enough
noise to garner the attention.

Any kind of noise. Any kind of attention.

And this brings us to
the birth of social media.

Now anyone with a phone can
have it at the push of a button.

That sweet, sweet nectar of attention.

And then, it was ignited.

The spark.

Victimhood.

The only way you can become rich and
famous in this culture is to be a victim.

Victim capitalism.

The best thing you can be in
our modern society is a victim.

And you, Reef Hawk, are a white,
middle-aged, rich, famous,

straight movie star
who is indeed a victim.

You're a fucking unicorn.

This is gonna be
the biggest year of your whole career.

I mean,
you're gonna be a bigger star than ever.

You know what we have to do, right?

We've got one move.

Live interview.

That's right. A live interview
cuts him off at the knees.

Talking about the video before
they have a chance to leak it

makes you the victim
and gives us all the leverage.

God, where are they?

We're gonna be fucking late.

Everything okay?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm just running a little late
and it's the one day a week

I gotta be out by a certain time.

Hey, I know that was a lot.

Sit with it tonight.

Digest it.

Ira,

you have a really weird job.

It's like you just wait for
a call that I got in trouble.

Bubbi, you ever think about...

why you thought it was okay to get in
the kind of trouble

you got in for as long as you did?

Everybody's a psycho when they're young.

Myself, number one.

But for everybody else in the world,

all these people,
they can't act like that forever.

I had real life hit me
like a fucking train.

But when my phone rings and it's you,
I pick up.

I always pick up.

There he is!

- Hey, hey!
- Sorry, Ira. We hit crazy traffic.

- No worries. LA, baby.
- So bad.

The traffic. Come on. Are you crazy?

Buddy. There he is. My boy.

Dad!

- What? Are you too old to kiss your dad?
- Oh, come on.

When you were a baby,
I used to kiss your face.

Dad.

I still see you as this little...
fat, little, chunky little guy.

- Dad, I hate being late for the Dodgers.
- Yeah, I know. I hate being late.

- I'm sorry, buddy. I--
- Yeah.

But we got to listen to
Britney Spears's audiobook.

And let me just say
she lived a very wild life.

She's the best.
She sang at your mom and I's wedding.

Hey, you know who this guy is?

- Reef Hawk.
- That's right.

OG client of your dad's.

Always wanted you guys to meet each
other, but Reef's always very busy.

So, Reef, do you have a girlfriend?

This guy with the "girlfri--"
Always with the fucking girlfriend.

- Not right now.
- Well, same here.

We're on the same boat.

That's what I tell him.
He's gotta keep his options open.

Yeah. Dad said I gotta keep
my options open 'cause I'm a handsome guy.

Cool and handsome guy.

Just like Reef.

Hey, you guys should be wingmen
for each other.

Just try and leave some pussy
for the rest of us.

Shut up, Dad.

What do I always say?
Keep your options open.

- Yes.
- Never sign anything.

- Check the Saudi money.
- Check the Saudi money.

- Right.
- Okay. Hey.

I'll check in tomorrow.

Enjoy the game.

- See you later, Reef.
- Nice to meet you, man.

Don't do alcohol
and say no to crack, Reef.

Hey. I told you not
to tell anybody about that.

You're not supposed to repeat that shit.

Get in the car, guys. Let's go.

Reef Hawk.

Hey.

I think I read a couple of years ago
your dad hung himself, right?

It's so funny.
I'm reading the new Jennifer Egan

and the main character's a rock star

whose mom is on a reality show
and the dad hangs himself.

I mean, it's a rock star.

It's not a movie star,
but it's crazy close, right?

Anyway, check it out
if you have a flight or something.

You can breeze right through it.

Can I just say what we're all thinking?

A live, tell-all interview
while pretending to be a victim

seems like the actual complete
opposite of what you should do.

What's the alternative?

Give everything up
I've worked for my entire life?

I have what everyone dreams of.

I can't just throw it away.

Let's just, like, sell everything
and move to Hawaii.

Open a smoothie stand or something.

Yeah. There we go.

I'll open a smoothie stand.

What a brilliant idea.

You just seem a little off lately, so...

Look, I just wanna make sure that you're--

Make sure I'm what?

Are you implying that there's something
important that I'm hiding from you?

Reef, dude. She's just asking you--

I know what she's asking.

I don't know why it's such a big deal.

It's a big fucking deal.

Because questioning that

is questioning the very core
of everything I am the last five years.

Everything I've fought
and clawed and promised to not be.

So you questioning that isn't
just a chill little question.

It's calling me a fraud.

So what the fuck are you asking?

Don't fucking curse at me ever.

Don't ever talk to me like that ever.

You are under immense
pressure and anxiety,

so I am asking you
as somebody who loves you,

are you strong in your sobriety?

Because you have that look in your eyes
you promised I wasn't going to see again.

How fucking dare you.

How dare I? How dare I?

I ask you because I am
someone who loves you

at times more than you are
capable of loving yourself.

I ask because I would rather
you throw some little bitchy,

diva, movie star tantrum and not be
my friend for a month

than to walk in on you overdosed again
thinking that you were fucking dead.

Which you don't even remember, but was,
like, the worst moment of my life.

Dude, you're a 56-year-old man
who might be back on hard drugs.

So when I ask you,
it's not because it's fun for me.

My sobriety is stronger
than fucking steel.

And as far as moving to Hawaii
and opening a smoothie stand,

that might be in the realm
of possibility for you.

But honestly, Kyle...

Yeah.

...I don't have the patience
or the fucking energy

to fake being able to relate to
your shitty little life today.

I live in an existence you literally
have no way of understanding.

Oh, fuck.

You're right.

I have no idea.

I hope that you do that giant interview

and I hope you get
more famous and more rich.

More attention.

As it seems to
historically serve you super well.

And you know what?
I love my life, my shitty little life.

You know why?

I get to be whoever I wanna be.

All the time.

I wish you cared about
what we thought of you, Reef,

more than a bunch of people
on the Internet.

And the next time you do
a performative apology tour,

throw your two best friends on the list,
you sad fucking junkie.

Why are you still here?

I ordered food
and I already paid for it on the app.

Why did you stay my friend, Xander?

I hate emotions so fucking much.

When we were in high school,

every other word
out of everyone's mouth was "faggot."

Including mine.

And one time,
you slept over in tenth grade

and you asked me point-blank if I was gay.

And I denied it for hours
and we got into this big, screaming fight.

And you said to me...

You said you wouldn't not be my friend
if I was gay.

You would only not be my friend
if I was not myself.

Because that would be too hard to watch.

When you act gross like this,
I choose to remember that person.

There's three bags in there.

Hi.

Great to see you, Drew.

It's great to see you too.

Thank you for doing this, by the way.

I mean...

I've been thinking about you a lot lately

and how much our lives have paralleled

and the things we've been through.

It's a very, very unique experience.

Like when we were kids.

Like why did we do this,
and who did we do it for?

One minute to live air.

You know what's funny?

I didn't like you.

Is that funny?

You were always so smug. You know?

But then when Virginia called me
and told me what really is going on

and what you are surviving as a victim...

I mean, and the fact that you were
willing to talk about it

and share everything
and share it with the world...

I mean, you're a hero.

And I want to interview that hero.

It's gonna be great.

Yeah.

I'm going to leave.

What?

I'm gonna leave now.

- Thirty seconds to live air.
- Wait. No. You can't.

D... No, no.

We can talk about other thi...

- I mean, we need to talk about...
- Yeah.

- ...the thing but...
- I just don't wanna do this.

But you're here?

- Why would you do that?
- I'm really sorry.

- I'm really sorry, Drew.
- Did I say something?

No.

But, you cannot do this.
We're about to go to live TV in...

How many seconds?

Ten seconds to live air.

What the fuck are you doing, Reef?

God fucking damn it.

You fucked me! I will fuck you so hard!

I'll fucking go Ellen
on all you motherfuckers!

Bubbi, hey, it fucking worked.

Ira, I'm leaving.

No, you don't understand.

It worked.

What worked? I didn't do the interview.

Yeah, no shit. You didn't have to.

And I knew that
even threatening a live interview

would force their hand and it fucking did.

It's just some random nobody who found
the video on his ex-girlfriend's computer.

They caved.
I got him from 15 mil down to 35K.

35K

and this is all behind you
for the rest of your life.

Hello?

I don't know.

Fuck do you mean, "I don't know"?

I just wanted all of this to go away.

And now that it's right here
in front of me...

It's just so fucking wrong.

Bubbi, it's 35K. It's a fucking 4Runner.

You pay it.

It's the cosmic tax.

Hey.

This is so crazy.

Yeah, I guess.

I mean, you're Reef Hawk,
and you're talking to me.

- Like, what?
- Yeah, I don't know.

You're a huge movie star, dude.

Like, shouldn't you be at
a big party or something?

I mean, I've been shooting
in Albuquerque for, like, six months.

Living in this... hotel room.

I guess I'm a little lonely or something.

That's no good.

Don't you have, like, a wife or kids
or a family or something?

No.

No, I don't.

Why not?

Why not?

I guess...

I guess, when it came time to do that, I...

I always chose something else
I thought was bigger or more important.

That's really sad.

Do you wanna see my tits?

Sure.

You have kind eyes.

Thank you.

I just need you for two minutes outside?

- Yeah.
- Okay, great.

Gail, can you call valet
and have their cars pulled up?

You know, I've thought and fantasized
about what I would do or say to you

if I ever had the chance.

Do you hate me?

No. No, I don't... I don't hate you.

I love you, man.

I'm just broke.

There aren't words
for what you mean to me,

and the shame I feel
for what I put you through.

You're my whole life.

But it's not about me.

I'm sorry.

I forgive you.

I forgive you too.

Hey.

I'm sorry.

Do you need a hug?

Yeah?

There we go.

I love you, guys.

Thank you, Reef.

Hello?

Hey, hi.

Who is this?

It's Reef.

Reef. Reef?

What can I do for you, Reef?

I'm just calling to see how your day is.

What do you mean?

I mean, how's your day?

Like, how are the events of your day?

What do you mean, how's my day?
How are the events of my day?

What does that mean?

I'm just asking how your day is.

Like, what you did, and how it is.

What the fuck do you mean, how is my day?

What do you want, Reef? What's your angle?

Red, I'm calling to see
how your day is going.

Like, how you are.

Like, how you're doing.

Well, thanks.

How I'm doing? I'm just hanging out.

That's all I'm doing.

Nice.

That's awesome.

Yeah, but there's n--
You know, nothing crazy.

- Same old.
- Yeah, yeah.

Same.

Not a whole lot here today either.

Well, that's nice. That's nice.

- Girl. Girl, girl, girl.
- Oh, my--

- We got this. We got this.
- Who are you?

The second most interesting bitch
in this room.

Trust.

Three, two, one.

Good evening and welcome to

the prime-time special edition of
The Drew Barrymore Show.

We begin tonight with
a gentleman I do not know.

Hi, Xander Alexander.

Huge fan
and you soon will be of mine as well.

So much of your show is about your guests
coming on here and unloading on your tits.

And I just want you to know that today,
I'm here to take that load for you.

Well, let's get the tissues out
and do this right now.

Yes.

First of all, I don't know if you know
anything about my past

but, you know, E.T. changed my life.

Actually, I always thought it was "et."
You know, like French?

Never seen it before, saw the poster.

Know how relevant it is,
know how important it is.

From what I understand, it's about you
and a bunch of other little kids

finding a little old Jewish guy
and taking him for a ride on a bicycle.

The bald guy, you just
put a blanket on him

and take him for a ride on a bicycle.

Again, I haven't seen it.

I've only seen Call Me by Your Name
and The Notebook.

I'm Reef Hawk
and I got staph in the sauna.