Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

This was a mistake! Shut up. Pardon?

HORN BEEPS

Whoo!

CROW CAWS

DUCKS QUACK

You're mad.

Wow!

GIGGLING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Taskmaster!

I'm Greg Davies and I suit things.

I suit this throne.

I suit this suit.

I suit the title of Taskmaster

and I suit the power it affords me.

What can I say? I suit things.

I suit boots. I suit fruits.

I suit flutes

and, once, I was in cahoots with some mute newts

about a car boot in Bute.

Proof, if it was needed, that the writing

of these introductions is becoming increasingly challenging.

LAUGHTER

No matter, let's take the focus off me

and train the glaring judgmental super trooper into

the frightened eyes of some human bunnies.

Please welcome, Fatiha El-Ghorri...

..Jason Mantzoukas...

..Mathew Baynton...

..Rosie Ramsey...

..and Stevie Martin...

..and next to me a man whose hobbies include bird-spotting,

writing songs,

and his absolute favourite having extramarital affairs.

It's Little Alex Horne.

CHEERING

Hi, everyone!

Let's get on with the prize task.

And the category this week is...

..The Snootiest Thing.

Hm-mm! Ooh!

There will be five points for the snootiest,

one point for the least snooty

and the episode winner will go home

with some really juicy snooty booty.

Greg, honey, take it away.

Stevie, have you got some snooty booty?

Yes, there are like canvases you can get made of your pet,

and, uh, I got one made of my pet.

Here is a picture of Stevie's pet.

It's on my wall in my kitchen.

LAUGHTER

There she is!

APPLAUSE

Um, I don't think they'd done a tortoise before

so, like, the neck is very bent at a weird angle...

Yes, uh, yeah. ..and where's the shell?

How did they get her in the uniform?

LAUGHTER

They're so...

..Americans are so naive, aren't they?

And is that her actual rank?

OK. Ooh, thank you. OK.

Fatiha, you all right? Yeah, I'm all right how are you?

Pretty good. What have you brought in?

My snooty prize is... Yeah.

..Swiss chocolate.

Here is the bar of Swiss chocolate she's put up.

Yes, the snootiest of all the chocolates.

Ah. Yeah. Oh.

Yeah, exactly. See how snooty, look at that.

Yeah.

Like if you look at the chocolate adverts

the Swiss ones are so extra.

They got a little chef in a little hat and he's, like,

"Hon-hon-hon-hon".

Oh, the old French Swiss chef.

Innit? And he's all doing that and they're like, "Ne-ne-ne"

and there's all this music,

and, and they live in, like,

they've got a nice kitchen.

Yeah, they do, they do, they do.

It's ridiculous.

So you bought a bar of chocolate in, yeah? Yeah.

Jason, what's snooty in America?

Here's the thing this was actually very hard for me because, uh,

in America snootiness is not a really thing

so I, kind of, was at a bit of a loss to come up with

a snooty thing, but I had a good idea,

I asked my butler what he thought.

LAUGHTER

Jeffries, get out here. Oh, nice.

Let's go, let's go.

This is my butler, Mr Jeffries.

I asked him what was snooty, cos he's British,

and he had a great idea.

Show him what you got under there, open it up, come on.

Yes. Butler for a day.

So, if you win this prize he'll come

and he'll buttle for you for the whole day.

Wow! That is one snooty prize.

Right.

Well, a round of applause for Mr Jeffries.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mathew.

I have brought in

the Oppidans' Cap from The Wall Game at Eton College.

ALEX: Here it is!

Oh, my God, that's so snooty, I don't even understand it. What is...

The Wall Game is only played one day of the year, St Andrew's Day,

and it's only played at Eton College,

the snootiest of all the schools.

Did you go there? No.

How did you get the cap?

It...I acquired it from...

OK. ..a friend. ROSIE: A friend.

Is your friend Tom Hiddleston,

Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall

Bear Grylls or Alan Shearer, all alumni?

And it must be one of those.

Hang on, Alan Shearer? Alan Shearer? Alan Shearer?

I didn't believe it either when I wrote it. Wow!

He went to Eton? He did not!

Can you give us a vague idea of the rules?

As far as I can tell it's a rugby scrum up against the wall.

And where does the snooty hat come in?

That's the hat that the Oppidans team wear.

The Oppidans? Yeah.

It's so snooty... So snooty.

..it, it's beyond language, isn't it? Yes. It's very posh.

Rosie?

My snootiest thing is a red wine decanter.

I believe that you've started to drop your North East accent to introduce

this. Sorry what?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Uh, if Alan Shearer went to Eton then so did I,

uh, but I've brought a red wine decanter...

Yeah, OK. Here it is.

..because not many people have these.

I go to friends' houses

and they just pour me red wine out of a bottle.

And I think you haven't got a decanter.

Have you got a decanter?

I've got three.

Wow.

OK, well, that is everyone, Greg.

It's really tricky, actually... Yeah.

..because one of them I don't understand still.

Remember the Swiss chefs are making the chocolates in kitchens.

LAUGHING

I'm trying to work out who I'm gonna give one point to. Not me!

It's gonna be the chocolate or the decanter

but I just can't work out which is the least snooty.

You can buy Swiss chocolate in any shop.

You can like in a supermarket.

Yeah, no, but you can make a decanter,

all I have to do is get a... What do you mean? ..plastic bottle

..and chop the top, that's a decanter.

LAUGHTER

I won't have it, I won't have it.

Swiss chocolate is made in Swissland, er, Switzerland.

And that...And that my friend is the final nail in the coffin.

One point to the chocolate.

One point to the chocolate.

Yeah. Rosie's, er, decanter two points. OK.

We'll have the hired butler with three points. OK.

I love the snooty tortoise... Right.

..and Mathew's thing is so snooty I still don't know what it is.

It's got to be the snootiest thing so five points to Mathew.

There you go. Well done. Well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very good. Task time.

Oh, yes, it is and just like Dr Dre we're going down to the lab

to lay down some cool tracks

and generally have a really nice time while we're there.

Hi. Hi.

Hello.

Hi, Jason.

What's up?

Welcome to the booth.

This is good. This makes me feel a bit at home.

Commentate on yourself achieving something really tricky.

Then achieve that really tricky thing.

Most iconic really tricky thing achieved wins.

You have five minutes to record your commentary.

Then 15 minutes to achieve that really tricky thing.

RTT is what I'm gonna abbreviate it for from now on.

Your time starts now.

You're gonna commentate on yourself as if you're watching yourself

on that telly... Right.

..but you're commentating on your future self. Oh!

So whatever you describe you've then gotta do. I've gotta do.

But, it's gotta be really tricky and iconic.

What tricky things can you do?

Sort of thinking about escapology but like I mean.

I can't actually do that.

Tricky, tricky, tricky.

Can you do anything tricky?

I was gonna just lie down.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

So RTT?

I enjoyed that abbreviation.

I like abbreviations.

You do, you do, you do.

He does.

Let's see some tricky stuff.

So they had to commentate on themselves doing

a really tricky thing before they did

the really tricky thing.

Stevie and Rosie are up first IE are

the last two letters of their names

and remember they chose to do these things.

OK, the moment we've all been waiting for.

Here she is,

Mrs Rosemary Ramsey.

We are, we've been waiting for this all year.

She's making her way into the dome now you may not know this at home

but Rosie has a very, very special way of getting ready

for the competition.

If you've seen her before you'll know.

There she is, what she likes to do well you're gonna see it

in a minute.

She likes to have a little sniff of the air.

Yeah, good old scratch of the genitals, yeah,

front and back. Oh, that's a new one!

That's a new one, she's never done the back before.

All right, she is ready for this competition.

OK, OK and it's coming. Yes, there it is, there it is.

Good and tight, this is what she does, projectile vomiting.

Here she is, Martin, stepping up to the plate.

Is she behind the line?

Yes, uh, quick check.

She's behind the line.

She bends. She does a few bends.

I think that's too many bends.

Classic from Martin there.

Alex looking pretty frightened.

Here we go. She's ready for the question.

The adjudicator's ready.

All right, there we go.

Nine times nine.

Come on, Rosie, you can do this.

She's getting her fingers out.

Sadly, Rosie didn't do very well at school so she's gonna use

the tactic that she was taught in Year Five Maths.

This is it, this is it, come on. Come on,

come on. We're ready, come on, what is it,

what is it, you know this. You know this.

81...81, she's done it. She's done it.

She's done it.

Lads, she's done it!

81, oh, she's vomiting again.

No, oh, it's OK, honest, she's going to have nothing left.

Well done, Rosie, brilliant! Brilliant, brilliant.

She's flexing. She's flexing her arms.

And you can see her flexing her arms.

She's going. And she's off.

She's off, she's over,

uh, and she's headed it right into the top corner.

Let's see that again.

I'm presuming this is replay.

Yes!

Yes!

Oh, wow, look at her go!

Quite a...an intense celebration there from Martin.

Whoo! She's doing a forward roll!

Oh, her and Alex are high-fiving.

Yeah.

Love to see it.

What is this sport?

So, I've never done a leap frog before so I wanted to do that.

I've also never scored a goal

so I thought I could do both simultaneously

and, crucially, while I was in

the air I thought that would be quite tricky.

I mean you landed perfectly on his back...

I scrambled his head around.

..er, but it was genuinely impressive.

Now, Rosie... Yeah.

..as far as I can work out the sport is...

Tricky numbers.

Yes.

Well, uh, that's the way you might describe it.

I mean, literally, what I saw was

a woman touch her privates and then round the back...

Yeah. ..you vomited... Yes.

..you did a rudimentary maths sum... Yeah.

..and you vomited again.

Tricky numbers.

Classic RTT. Tricky!

Do you know the trick of the nine times table on your hands?

I mean, I think probably everyone in the room can do this.

Let's see how fast you are seven nines?

63.

Ask me another one.

But, I'm not impressed Rosie.

Yes, but also but also you can't go,

you can't go over nine for this system.

So I can't say 11 nines.

Oh, no.

OK time for a break.

Here we are Alex, that's it!

Good boy! Good boy!

Hello!

Welcome back, everybody.

Yes, and it really is hi from me, too.

Before the break the task found our athletes having

to commentate on themselves

achieving something really tricky

before achieving that really tricky thing.

Now for the attempts of Fatiha El-Ghorri and Mathew El Baynton.

I can record two commentaries so that I've got a backup.

Today we get to see the magnificent athlete, Fatiha El-Ghorri,

fly a plane through the Taskmaster dome.

And here comes Baynton with the iconic 19 vest...

Just let me warm up.

..ready to take on the really tricky thing of keepie uppies with

a tennis ball.

He's got, funnily enough, 19 to beat to take home the gold.

And in her hand we see A4 white paper

so this looks very tricky

because she's got really little fingers.

We're very worried that she might get a paper cut

but she's been working with Andy Murray's coach.

And at this point it's almost

certain that he's done ten keepie uppies.

Nine that time.

No!

20 keepie uppies!

30 keepie uppies!

Iconic!

And here we go, any minute now.

Here we go, here we go, here we go.

Oh! And there it is, well done, Fatiha.

She is the best.

Can we go closer?

Good idea.

ALEX: This is your 50th attempt.

People will say, "Don't pick something you can't do"

but this has to be really tricky

and I think I've proved that.

Where are the grapes?

She's rocking a little bit

and she's gonna throw it any second now

and it's gone in through the dome.

I mean I didn't doubt her

but I was a little bit sceptical.

Magnificent athlete.

And here comes Baynton to try

and attempt the record for the highest thrown

and caught in the mouth grape.

Ooh, that first attempt didn't pay off

and there's no rules about how many attempts you're allowed,

so that's fine.

Oh, he's really slung that one.

It's oh, he's, he's caught it!

Unbelievable scenes!

That's a really tricky thing.

Iconic!

With the wisdom of hindsight knowing how good you are at keepie uppies

was 19 the right goal to set yourself?

I thought with a football wouldn't be that impressive.

It wouldn't look like an RTT.

So I went... Thank you.

..I went tennis ball and I overestimated my ability.

But the grape thing, different story.

But was it an RTT?

He did it on his second go.

But it was as high as the house.

But it was high.

Yes, iconic is what we're looking for.

I think it's strong. OK.

I thought yours was good, as well.

Don't play me.

I'm not playing you.

Lovely attention to detail.

Andy Murray's coach?

He's jumped over from tennis, why not?

How did you feel about the first attempt?

Awful. Crushing but the second, I mean,

I was surprised by how excited I was.

You wanna see somebody else?

Yeah. It's time for the handsome stranger from overseas.

Yes, it's Jason Mantzoukas.

Ooh. And here we are back again at Taskmaster sports.

Up next, Jason Mantzoukas.

He's exiting the Taskmaster house with undue confidence

but can he achieve an iconic tricky thing?

We don't know.

Alex Horne is following him behind wondering what exactly is

Jason Mantzoukas up to. Oh. He oh, he,

he's getting on top of the house. Mantzoukas is,

he's got a ladder.

He's got a ladder and he's trying to get it onto the roof.

I've said it so it is happening.

He's starting to scale the roof.

Alex Horne is freaking out.

Never before in Taskmaster history has anybody gotten onto the roof

but American comedian, Jason Mantzoukas, is gonna be

the first person in history and, oh,

Alex Horne is on the phone. Alex is shutting it down.

Alex is shutting down

the most iconic really tricky thing that's ever been attempted.

Jason Mantzoukas is now being pulled off of the roof by

a bunch of people dressed just like him.

Is this what he makes them do? Huh.

I'm being told that Jason Mantzoukas makes everyone in

the crew dress exactly like him when he's shooting

so that everybody knows what it feels like to be great.

His words not mine.

Get off of me.

Well, they've got him down.

He's safe but the really tricky thing has not been achieved.

Another failure for Jason Mantzoukas in a lifetime full of epic fails.

What a piece of shit!

Nailed it.

Sure. Full throated commentary. Oh, yeah.

Lot of excitement from you.

Did you do the tricky thing?

The tricky thing was not accomplished.

Why? Because Alex Horne shut it down.

I loved the commentary

but I think I have to go with the spirit of the task

and that was to achieve a tricky thing.

I understand.

I mean I think you're absolutely fucking stupid for saying it.

Right I enjoyed it but I, I'm,

I'm afraid I must give him one point because he didn't achieve

the tricky thing that he advertised he would be doing that was tricky.

OK, so it's one point to Jason.

There you go.

I don't know how tricky jumping on your back and heading a goal is.

Oh. But it's context based. It's tricky for me,

you could see I couldn't even achieve it.

What was it, did it say tricky for you personally the task?

Ah, fair enough. No.

LAUGHING

So I must give you two points. I understand.

Two points to Stevie, got it. That's fine.

Up we go, OK.

We know the nine times table isn't tricky.

For me it is.

Uh, again, it's not about context...

..but there's an element of trickiness to it

so I'm gonna give it three points.

Well done. Thank you, thank you.

Uh, well done. Yeah.

And here we go.

He threw a grape into his mouth. Yes. Yeah.

I made a paper plane and flyed it.

They both flyed their things.

He's ridiculing you there, you know that? I'm not. I'm quoting.

It's all right don't worry I'm just giv...

I'm busy giving you a dirty look.

When I've finished with you I'm gonna go to him.

Is that your dirty look? Yeah.

Oh.

Don't worry we're gonna get married, you don't understand.

This is foreplay.

I think, and my future wife is gonna hate me for this,

that I found the passion with which he took that high grape

to be the most iconic... OK. ..so I'm gonna give him five

but Fatiha four points for throwing a paper aeroplane!

Four to Fatiha, five to Mathew.

Right let's have a peek at the scoreboard please.

Yes, well, Jason's at the bottom with four,

right at the top, maximum points, Mathew Baynton ten points.

Wow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, can we have something nice and special.

Just a bloody bit,

Because it's team time.

You ever sat on a cow?

I've not. No.

What have you sat on?

Um... A horse.

Oh, a horse. Anything else?

Um... No, I can't not like.

So you, you've only sat on a horse with a...

Not, not to, not that I can remember.

Hi...Hi. Hello. Hello.

Hi, I'm Mat. I'm Rosie hi nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Hi. Hi, Rosie! Hi.

Have you ever sat on a cow? Um, no.

OK same as Mat.

Hmm.

Nothing smaller?

Not a sheep or a dog?

No, I don't think that would be responsible.

OK.

OK.

Hello. Hi, I'm Stevie.

Hi, Stevie I'm Jason. Nice to meet you.

And you with pleasure. How are you?

You look great.

Thank you. So, do you?

I've got a task for you.

Do you wanna read? you've got a better voice than me.

No, you, it, er, OK.

Go on he's got, he's an actor he's like. She wants me to.

He'll read it better.

I'll pay more attention if you read it. OK. If I read it I won't...

So I'll... Hello! Oh!

Hello. Hi!

I'm Fatiha. Hi, I'm Rosie, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Hello!

Hello, I'm Fatiha. Mat. Hi, Fatiha.

Have you ever sat on a cow?

No. I don't like heights, do you?

Like heights? Why are you dressed like this, bruv?

Good question.

I've got a spare hijab, shall I put it on him?

Sorry.. Are we getting timed for this?

..just trying to sort of be sporting about it. Right, give me that. Oh.

We're getting timed for this. Are we getting timed? All right, open it.

We might be getting timed... All right, all right. ..so let's...

Mathew you read it go on. Yeah, yeah, OK.

Give Alex exactly 100 marbles on a plate.

And an egg cup full of tepid water. Right.

One of you must always be sitting down.

One of you must always be jumping. Urgh!

And one of you must always be clapping your hands.

My word!

You must each change your action every 30 seconds.

And no-one may hold anything

for more than five seconds at a time.

Oh, you're a liberty bruv. Oh, you what?

Fastest wins.

Your time starts when Alex blows his whistle.

WHISTLE

APPLAUSE

The teams all seemed to get on.

I'm sure it was a little awkward between you...

Oh.

..but I've no doubt you pulled it all together. OK.

All right, well it's the team of two's turn to take the tepid test.

Yes, it's Mantzoukas and Martin and marbles.

I'm sitting.

I'm jumping.

Ooh. Oh.

You just need to put them down.

Every five seconds. Oh, whoa, whoa! I see.

Yeah. You're getting the hang of it straight away.

Thank you.

Put those down, please.

Please change actions.

OK. Shall I open them?

I think so. Make sure it's tepid water.

Put them down please, Stevie. OK.

Keep jumping.

Sh... wait I can, I can do it.

Yeah, I don't know why you put it down for so long.

Oh, for fuck's sake! OK. That's cold.

Please change actions. All right.

OK, come on, Jason.

I think this is hot. What's tepid?

Tepid is not hot and not cold.

Oh, I get it. Uh...

Here we go, Stevie.

Oh, I've found the marbles!

Switch.

Switch.

How many did you do?

Unclear.

WHISTLE

You're gonna have to put that down now. OK.

This one.

Oh!

I've found one marble.

Oh, I'd love it if someone was clapping.

Clap, clap, clap! Clap! That's it. Sorry.

Right tepid water in the egg cup.

Oh, my God! I'm so tired. I'm so tired.

WHISTLE

Do you think this is an egg cup or do I need to find an egg cup?

That's a lid. That's a lid.

Let's look at the task again, Stevie.

Yeah.

Stevie, huge news. Yeah?

There's a goddam map on the back of the task.

Huge news.

Put it down, Stevie.

OK hold on.

Uh, well that's... We found it!

Please switch.

Go Stevie!

Mix the waters.

Stevie... My pants are falling down!

..mix the water. Ah.

Goddammit! It hurts.

Right go, go, go, go.

We want warm. Let me just do that.

Oh! Ah...Ah!

Oh, my legs are on fire! Ah!

That's perfect. Just how I like it.

Should I just give these to him, Stevie?

Yeah, now all of the marbles that were in there.

Do you want me to stop the clock?

Stop it, stop it, you asshole.

Good job, Jason. Well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a team!

Wow! Power house!

And we all know what the absolute highlight of that task was.

I remember doing that and I was like, "I'm still really going."

I'm sure I've never seen another human move like that.

You wanna see it again, though?

I, I of course I want to see it again.

Go Stevie.

It looks like...Imagine there's an invisible jump rope in there,

can you play it again?

Let's watch it again. Here we go. Yeah, let's watch it again.

Go, Stevie!

Not sped up. Not sped up.

Do you wanna give any statistics about them?

Sub 12 minutes. 11 minutes 45.

Incredible! Yeah.

OK, that's part two over and done with.

Part three next then four.

You must know how this works by now.

We'll see you in a minute.

Hello! Welcome back!

Where were we Alex?

Now for the team of three.

Fatiha, Mat and Rosie.

Right clap. Right.

I'm gonna have to sit here.

Go.

Pass it to me.

You open them, you're sitting down.

I'm gonna jump. I'll jump. Oh, who's... you clap.

Please, put that down now.

That's water.

Yeah, you open it, you open it. Need an egg cup.

Are you jumping, Fatiha?

Yes, I am.

Just cos I'm doing it one leg it's still a jump.

Is it? Yeah. Yeah, that's tepid. That's cold.

Rocky bruv, have you not seen Rocky?

We need a egg cup. We need a egg cup.

WHISTLE

Egg cup. Yes!

WHISTLE

There's a plate here.

It's had someone's breakfast on it I think.

Please put the plate down.

WHISTLE

What's going on?

What about in here?

Oh, there's marbles. The marbles are here.

There's marbles. 100 marbles on a plate.

I can't hold it for long.

Please change your action.

Everyone.

Mix them, mix them, mix them.

Right whoever's sat down we need to count the eggs.

Here you are.

Apparently someone needs to count the eggs.

Why do we have to count the eggs?

Count the marbles.

That's perfect. It's not too hot and not too cold.

97. 98.

We need two. Yes.

Have you lost your marbles?

I remember early on some were thrown over here so I'm just...

I remember that.

I remember I threw them here.

Yeah.

I can't find them.

Shall we get a rake and rake the grass?

That's a good idea.

Can't hear any clapping?

There were enough marbles there.

Ah, I've found one.

This is crazy.

Are you jumping, Rosie?

Oh, my God! Well, this is a mess.

We've got two more to find. I think we've lost the task.

Are you holding anything?

Do you know what?

Oh, I've found one. I've found two. Found one?

I found two!

Yes! Is that it? Is that it?

All change.

In the plate. What am I doing? ALEX: Clapping.

In the plate. Deliver the plate to, to Alex.

Oh. Ah...Ah. Ah.

I've stopped the clock are you happy with that?

Yeah. Well, happy's a strong word.

I guess the obvious thing we

need to talk about is what your definition of jumping is.

Fatiha. Yeah. Do you know what a jump is? Yeah.

Because you were just stepping.

And when someone said you're supposed to be jumping,

you shouted, and I've written it down, "Rocky, bruv".

Yeah, you know when he jumps from foot to foot innit.

But it, what when he runs?

Rosie, are you pleased with your jumping?

I think I was all right.

Let's see Rosie jumping, shall we?

OK here's Rosie jumping.

Are you jumping Rosie?

That's actually twerking.

It was just carnage, wasn't it?

Let's ask the big question why did you throw the marbles?

Cos he was shouting, innit.

He was going, "Don't hold it, don't hold it"

and blowing his whistle and I just couldn't take it.

They took pretty much twice as long.

The team of two took 11 minutes 45.

You guys took 22 minutes 34.

The only thing I would say in my job as administrative assistant it was

to bring me exactly 100 marbles on a plate.

If I show you the two... Hmm. ..teams' efforts.

Uh-oh.

Is it a double disqualification? Oh! Ah!

Well, I mean is, is that a, is that a plate, on the left?

It looks tambourine-y.

Given everyone's understanding of the word jump I'm tempted to allow plate.

We're allowing the tambourine?

Let's assume it's a yes... OK

..and let's talk about marbles.

Oh, well it's obviously worth counting the marbles.

There had to be exactly 100 marbles.

There did. Oh. Oh. Uh-oh.

I counted the marbles.

I have to count the marbles. Yeah, of course.

So I split them up into tens.

It's my system, Rosie we've all got systems, haven't we?

I knew you were a stand up guy, that's what it is.

Split them into ten like this. Ten, ten,

ten, ten, ten. They both did really well.

We've got a hundred, we've got a hundred... Oh.

..and we've got 101 over that side.

What? Oh.

That's your fault for putting more marbles in a place...

And in a tambourine.

..where we were meant to find marbles.

We deliberately put more marbles in the place that... Clever! Yeah.

Thank God that Fatiha threw some of the marbles away.

Yeah.

Do you know what actually, yeah?

So are we saying the team of three get five points?

Of course they do. Five points.

I think on this occasion I have to reward effort and hilarity... OK.

..so I can't give them nothing. Right.

I think one is fair because they failed on both counts. OK.

One and five points to the team of three. There we go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, next please.

Yes, please and it's time to get wet in the submari-van, please.

Here we go.

Hello.

Oh, welcome to my...

Oh, sorry about that. Gosh.

Hello. Oh, Stevie.

You've just written the word Stevie on your pad.

I was guessing who was gonna come in.

Mathew.

Alex.

Welcome to my home.

Hmm. Don't live here, do you?

I eat, sleep, urinate, do everything here.

Oh, yeah smells like it.

Ready? Mm-hm. What's in here?

Ooh. Hmm.

Get the most liquid in this can.

You may not leave the submari-van.

You have 15 minutes.

Your time starts now.

I do need a wee and that's a problem for you.

So get as much liquid into the tin as possible.

Absolutely.

Who's first?

Here they come it's Rosemary and Fatiha.

Get the most liquid, I've seen liquid there.

Ah, milk!

Milk!

All right, let's get these.

What were your feelings on milk?

I hate milk. Yeah.

Ah, the things we have to do in this place I tell you.

What's this? Toiletries. Yeah.

These liquids?

You get them taken off you on a flight.

Ah, bath pearls.

Yeah, but they need to melt.

Quick time, bruv.

This is liquid. Toothpaste.

What's this?

Oh, ice! Ice.

Hold on, hold on there's something in here and it says.

Decking cleaner.

Yeah, that's how I clean the decking.

Oh, you've just activated it, yeah.

OK. Yeah.

So it's started. Yeah, it's going down the chute to the decking.

Oh...Oh, OK. Habibi understanding, now.

Oh, look there's a little thingy here!

Right here we go.

I'll do that. Let's try it.

Ooh.

It's working.

Yeah, of course it's working I made it.

Something's happening.

Where did that come from?

Did it go into the tin?

No. Ah! The tin was the other way cos I was waiting for it

to come from there. That's a shame.

Excuse me.

Here, there's something that could be quicker, isn't there?

You know there is.

Oh, are these real grapes?

All right, we're gonna squash the grapes.

What's out here? Oh, you're kidding me.

25 seconds.

Why didn't I look out here. Oh, my God!

You haven't got that long.

I've busted the pearls.

You've busted the pearls? Yeah, bruv.

Uh, you've still got a couple of seconds but you... Have I?

You're gonna have to be really quick.

OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.

Hm-mm. I'm curious. Sorry.

These are not real, man, and look it won't burst, look!

Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

The question I found myself asking was how much you understand about

the way that liquids work.

Correct me if I'm wrong, you, you just put the tin on its side.

Yeah.

So did you think it would flow in and then just...

Just stay there. ...stay there?

It's fine. I'm, just, at the moment I'm just gathering information

so I understand. Right.

So it's two wet men now.

Jason and Mason here we go.

OK.

Solid. For now.

It is quite a powerful shower so beware.

That's how I like my showers.

Good to get a nice flow in the morning.

What? Why would you say that?

Oh, hang on!

It's all we...

Breakfast drink.

Alex, could you go hand me that?

I'm not allowed out of the submari-van. OK.

Have I left the caravan?

Where are your feet?

My feet are inside of it, I believe.

You're fine.

Thank you, sir.

ALEX: This is how I have to get it every morning. It's a nightmare.

Oh, this is dicey.

Oh, I don't love this.

Not a problem.

ALEX: Pleased with yourself?

It's a small triumph.

OK.

Is this piss?

OK this seems like it's part of that shower.

Where, why didn't all that water come out?

Is it doing anything when I did that?

Yeah, it's leaking.

This is gonna take ages, isn't it?

It's almost as if these tasks are designed to make a fool of you.

Kind of beautiful, though.

Hmm.

I've got all this liquid here that I wish would just come out.

Oh. Dammit. Goddammit.

How do you get water to come out of the drainpipe over there?

It looks like some sort of Rube Goldberg machine.

OK.

Let's see if this works.

ALEX: Ooh, here it comes. Something's happening.

Yeah, that's exciting.

Argh. Oh, dear!

That's just my leg... Hmm.

..and my skin.

I guess if you bleed into it that'll help.

Not a bad point.

I've cut myself. That's my blood now.

20 seconds.

20 seconds?

Break, you fucking...

Five seconds.

Oh.

That's your time up.

Oh.

There seems to be an awful lot of, sort of, latent rage

with both of you.

How do you feel spending time with Alex Horne?

Oh, no I...I...I understand that.

I feel very angry

but this rage, Mathew, did you feel it in the caravan?

Very, very often.

Not just in the caravan. Yeah?

Almost every time I read a task, it was im...immediate.

But you, up this stage you've been very gentle,

very amenable

and at one point you managed to get

the breakfast drink in using the grabber

and you really cockily went not a problem.

They both did very well in there.

I can't tell you yet how well.

OK time for the last break of the show.

Some snooty prizes will be won including a hat from Eton

and a painting of tortoise as a war general.

The middle classes love us.

Hello!

Well here we are then.

I can't believe it, it's part four

and there's just one person left to go in

the task where they have to fill the can with the most liquid.

Yes. Well, you'd better believe it Greg

and you'd better also believe-y it's time for Stevie.

Couldn't have been that easy, could it?

Are you trying to turn the tap on? Yeah, obviously.

That would be number one what I'd be trying to do. OK.

Ice.

What are you doing with the ice?

I'm holding it in my hand so that it warms and drips.

OK. Now we're cooking on gas.

Wait, is wax a liquid?

It is when it's liquid.

OK I'm gonna set fire to this. Right.

Start a small fire, that's gonna keep it warm.

Um... I'll just squeeze a few grapes. Ah.

Hm-mm.

It's not worked. I'll...I'll...I'll just put it over the sink.

Liquid you say.

Hmm. What have you made? Straws?

I could wee.

I think what I would gain in amount of liquid... Hm-mm.

..I'd lose in every other element.

Oh, why's that window open?

OK.

I can't... So I can't leave.

Three minutes, Stevie. Yeah.

OK. We've made a connection.

Yes. What do you think's gonna happen?

How in God's name are you meant to do that?

Is there like a long litter picker that I've not seen?

Probably. One minute left.

What are you talking about?

Oh, shut up. Shut up.

32 seconds.

Yes. OK I'm bringing him home.

Right. 23 seconds. Shut up! Pardon?

Oh, Jesus!

Christ!

Oh!

About 15 seconds, really.

WHISTLE

That's it time up.

Well, it was absolutely dreadful...

Yeah, it was awful, yeah.

..but I really enjoyed watching it.

Yes, well it was the worst Stevie's one by far.

We've actually measured them. We froze the water.

It's the easiest way to represent what you did.

You froze the amount of liquid?

Yeah. Oh, nice!

Into ducks.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

So ducks, we can see Mathew's ducks Cute.

The br... Wow! Yeah, it's nice, isn't it?

The breakfast drink gave it that lovely colour

so if we see that on the graph. Yeah.

Um, Stevie you only got 2.5 ducks,

219 millilitres.

Then we've got Rosie six ducks. Oh!

Mathew, you got your 10.7 ducks of course.

Wow!

Jason 16.2 ducks.

Sh...

..but Fatiha, 8.6 ducks so slightly less.

So as you can see it's one point to Stevie,

two to Rosie, three to Fatiha,

four to Mat and five to Jason Mantzoukas.

Right, please, make your way to the stage for the final task of the show.

You're the best boy in the land do you know that?

I'm good at jumping.

He's having a pop at you, you know that?

And you're gonna let him chat to your woman like that.

Who's gonna read the task out?

I think Jason should read this one, please.

Here we go.

Choose an item from each box and place them

on the corresponding half of your table.

You have one minute. Your time starts on the whistle.

There are ten items in the boxes altogether.

You're each gonna have two items on your table in the end.

One on the right-hand side from the right box,

one on the left-hand side from the left box.

You've only got a minute so you're gonna have

to decide who gets which in your own way.

Ready everybody, one minute.

On the whistle...

WHISTLE

Come on. Right, OK. Let's open the boxes. Let's go.

Right. Let's have a look. Let's do it. I'll just go there.

Shall we, are we just giving this? Yeah, I think we should...

Well, we don't know at this point, do we? Oh, oh! OK.

I don't know what this means. You're not meant to and that's the joy.

It doesn't make sense.

Take an item from the right box.

Fatiha... I don't want balloons.

SHOUTING: Just take something with you, Fatiha.

FATIHA: No, someone...

Put it on the right-hand side.

You already have this. Do you want that?

OK someone swap with me cos I'm not popping these.

OK. I know he's gonna say pop it.

Please put them down. That's it.

We've all got two items.

Well, Jason, you now read the next task.

One at a time,

pass the item on your right to the person on your right

and the item on your left to the person on your left.

I'll talk you through this but you're gonna end up with balloons,

Fatiha, that's the headline.

So, Fatiha, what's on the left of your table? Foil.

Please give the foil to the person on your left.

OK and please give the trousers to the person on your left, Jason.

And so on, so the balls go to Rosie,

the cardboard goes to Stevie

and the piping goes all the way round to Fatiha.

And while you're there Fatiha's gonna give you a sleeping bag.

And then what do I get, do I get that?

No, you're gonna get the balloons,

that's gonna go on the right-hand side of your table.

Oh, OK, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Over they go. Mathew, please give him the safe.

Thank you.

The microwave goes to Mathew

and the flour goes to Rosie.

I can't, I don't understand.

No the...

I don't understand.

They're ready, Greg, for part three of the task.

OK.

Put one of your items completely inside the other item.

Fastest wins.

Your time starts on the whistle.

It has to be completely inside the other item.

It's up to you which goes in which. Your time starts...

Oh! OK.

You're gonna have to put one inside the other one, Fatiha.

Can I blow them up?

You're gonna have to pop them, Fatiha.

I feel like I... You're gonna have to pop them.

I did it, I did it!

I don't like it. Can I have a pin?

I know the code but I can't enter it.

Ah...Ah.

A pin.

Hang on.

How come I can't enter the code?

How do you know the code?

It's on the balloon.

It is on the balloon.

Uh, two, eight, five, one. It's on the balloon but it won't register.

I think you have to use that safe in the foil.

But I know the code, Alex.

I know, I did the code part.

Put it in. Take the flour out, out of the bag.

They've gotta be completely in Fatiha.

Jason's done it.

Oh, my God! It's got to be completely inside.

Is that completely inside the tube? I think it is.

It is. Yeah.

Yeah.

We'll add those scores to your final scores.

Come down and join me.

How could a simple task like that be so contentious?

Yeah, so Rosie only got one point in the end because... Oh.

..she was the slowest by some distance.

Fatiha you got two points, Jason three points,

Mat four but Stevie Martin was

the overall winner and gets five points.

Yay!

I just wanna say if my safe had worked I would've nailed it.

Jason was very unlucky.

He spotted the code to the safe which was on the balloons

next to him, but I'd forgotten to change the batteries in the safe

so...

I mean, fuck you, dude.

It's a very interesting final scoreboard.

We have three people in joint third can you believe it,

Jason, Rosie and Stevie all on 13 points.

Fatiha's in second place with 15 points

but the runaway leader, with 23 points,

it's Mathew Baynton.

Mathew Baynton wins the episode.

Please shoot up to the stage and claim your snooty booty.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media