Original subtitles

So, you'll be pleased to hear Rupert has decided to promote you to divisional

officer.

What? Do you mind if I take your photo? It's for GCHQ magazine.

Uh, sure.

Is it for the cover?

No, that's a picture of a horse drinking from a pond.

Wait, wait, wait. I wasn't ready. Do it again.

Well, I can just keep taking them if you want to carry on talking.

Oh, great. Yeah.

So, is it specifically to do with last week's success or more for generally

being awesome all year round?

Hard to tell if it's either.

Still, it'll be nice to finally have you under me. Not quite. I don't think

that's ever going to happen. What about a company car?

There's a department Toyota Yaris, but the passenger seat's stuck in recline.

But you'll have unlimited access to Evelyn, of course. These are so great.

Yeah? Yeah.

Here, have a look.

I saw this in a magazine once, just like... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. More like

Gosling. Oh, yeah, I love that, love that. You carry on.

How's your mum doing, by the way? OK.

She won't leave the house without an axe. She started having flashbacks.

At least she stopped humping me.

Anything

else?

Yeah, anything else?

A reporter came in about a plane trapped in a holding pattern above Heathrow

because of a cockpit bug.

So they may have to jump. Well, I had a friend who survived a fall from that

height, but I think it was because he landed in Lake Geneva. That's

Hitting water from that height would be like hitting concrete. Well, he landed

in water.

Send it through to programming support.

Yeah, Mary, send it through to programming support.

As some of you may have noticed, Jerry has been offered a promotion following

last week's victory.

Oh, that's...

I just want to say that up to a point, I really could not have done it without

all of your help. So thank you, up to a point. Gosh, I haven't been promoted in

nearly 35 years.

Oh, I think that's just because no one expected you to outlive the system.

Thank you. Sir, will you be above Chris?

Yeah, maybe. Well, we're just, it's still getting worked out.

Plus, you should know I'm also being considered for an extremely senior

back at the NSA.

It's kind of like total vindication.

Gosh, how senior are we talking? I think even older than Mary.

Maybe I should apply.

No, actually, these kinds of roles are only available to men.

You'd be surprised.

Actually, Chris, you know, I don't really see you as a woman anymore.

No, I'm beginning to see you as an equal.

Will you take the job?

I don't know why. Would you miss me if I did?

Yeah.

Morning.

Joseph, you know you've been fired.

Oh, I know, except my past still works.

You can't just keep wandering in here whenever you feel like it. I know, I

just... Sorry, Mel, do you mind if I leave that with you? What's that?

Oh, it's... I'm just organising a little whip around it. For yourself?

Yeah. These are not for personal use. We only use these when there's been a

domestic atrocity. Is that why you're leaving?

Um, by the way, one thing I forgot to ask, just another way around it, Chris.

Would you have any objection to me working from home?

Yes, you've been fired.

Even if I work from home?

Yes. It was your inadequacy that got you fired, not where you sit in Cheltenham.

Right. Ouch.

But seriously, are you doing OK? Yeah.

Maybe you and Jerry could have a joint party.

Why, have you been fired as well? No.

I've been promoted. It's kind of like the opposite. In fact, I get to put my

team together.

That'll be all, Joseph.

Actually, Chris, I mean, as Joseph's here, I could really use someone to help

categorize all the Korean chatter.

Joseph doesn't work here anymore. I mean, I don't speak Korean, but J. Woo

give you a hand.

He works in the canteen. He wouldn't have the correct clearance.

He's also completely blind.

Isn't that an advantage when you're handling sensitive material?

Not always.

Maybe he could just help me during his lunch break. Are we talking about me or

Jay Wu? Jay Wu, you've been fired. He doesn't get a lunch break. He works in

canteen. Does he get any kind of break? He's completely blind.

Okay, back to work. I agree. Not you.

Not me. Bye, buddy. Thank you.

No, it's me.

Oh, it's you.

Brilliant. Close the blinds.

No, no.

Oh, okay.

What's going on? Oh, I just answered a little chat, really.

So, this new promotion, does it come with, like, a big pay rise, then, or

Oh, yeah.

It's, like, off the chart.

It's, like, silly money.

Oh, wow.

Hopefully. I might buy the citrus.

The whole hotel?

Yeah. Well, if I can't find another job, I might genuinely need somewhere to

stay. Well, if we're not sold out, I mean... Do you know of anyone

hiring at the moment?

Okay.

So I don't know how you're going to feel about this, but I've been giving it a

lot of thought.

You have?

And given your experience working here at GCHQ... Yes.

Well, I mean, how would you feel about going undercover as a terrorist?

What?

I don't think I'd be tall enough, Jerry. Oh, actually, from our point of view, a

short terrorist is a good thing because you're always looking up, which is great

for CCTV.

Have you ever fired a gun?

No. No, no, no. Well, there was one time when I was a cub.

and someone brought air rifles in, but none of them worked, and our caler

exploded.

Yeah, I didn't understand a word of that. Okay, Jerry, I'm just going to

this out there. Given that you've been promoted and you're forming a new team,

would you consider hiring me?

You all right?

Um, yeah.

Yeah, I'd consider it. I mean, I have to talk to Chris first.

I'd worry about how that might look.

So you used to be married?

No, and I swear to God you bring that up one more time. Okay, okay. I meant more

in terms of your lack of ability.

Apart from GCH2, what genuinely makes you happy?

Charlotte, obviously.

And you.

Yeah.

I just don't want to... Okay, I'll tell you what.

Listen, I'll talk to Chris.

Thank you, Jerry.

I just can't promise anything.

Okay? Yeah.

Oh, I wish there was anything else you could do.

You gonna be okay if I take the cable?

Take what you like.

Hey, uh, are you Joseph?

Uh, yes.

Are you here to fix the photocopier? No, you're in my seat.

Oh, sorry.

So you like the new me?

What do you think?

Look at that.

You all right?

Yeah. Does this go any lower?

It should be.

So for a while I had the valve locked because I read that if you adjust it to

your mind, it gives you spinal bifida. There you go. Okay.

Hello.

I'm Mary, by the way.

Hi. It was a very, very little wig.

It's not a wig.

You need me to show you where the toilet is? No, I need you to fuck off.

Great to have you on the team, Jerry.

We'll celebrate when I'm back.

Sounds good.

And Chris?

You know where to find me if you need me?

Yes. The Canadian Rocky.

Listen, would it make things easier if from now on I sat in your chair?

No. I just thought now that we're on the same pay grade... We're not, and that's

not how it works.

Well, do you think I can, like, have a little spin around it?

Jerry? Fine.

Oh, my God, a spider!

What do you want, Jerry?

Um, so... Got it.

So, listen, um, it's about Joseph.

Still in the building? Yeah, I can't get him to leave. Have you tried the

window? I was thinking there might be another way.

The roof.

You don't want that, do you?

Can you fuck off?

Nice to see you again.

Okay, I'll cut to the chase.

Assuming Jerry retains his elevated status here at GCHQ, which, given

decisions like this, I'd say won't be for long, he has requested you as his

PA.

You're kidding.

Sadly not.

Does it require any formal training?

No, so far as I can tell, it doesn't require any training.

You were designed for this, buddy.

I don't know what to say. Thank you so much. Thank you. I got your back.

Well, don't get too comfortable.

I won't.

The NRA just called.

Oh, has my membership lapsed? No, sorry, I mean the NSA.

Jesus. Did I get the job?

What job? The job at the NSA.

What job at the NSA? This is the same as my new job. What new job?

I've been given a PA. No, you've been made a PA. Is that not the same thing?

What about me?

What do you mean? Do I get a PA?

You are a PA.

Never mind any of that. What did they say?

Who? The NRA.

NSA. Oh, you got the job.

Yes.

Well, that didn't last long.

It was a blast.

Hey, I didn't think you'd come.

Neither did I.

Oh, wow, wow.

We couldn't look at what to wear, so we thought we'd play it safe.

Jerry's going to love it.

Oh, thank you.

I'm on antidepressants.

Have you got a ball?

So is

this the

surprise party you're leaving to?

I'd just rather we didn't really call it anything until we definitely know who's

leaving. Well, you, for starters.

You're leaving again?

Is that the surprise?

I just thought it might be a nice way to show Jerry how appreciative we are of

him being here. Before you leave?

Yeah. Aww.

If he decides to stay?

What would make you his PA?

I should think that's unlikely now.

Well, anything's possible.

Conjoined twins are unlikely, but we've actually got four sets in our church.

Well, there you go, yeah.

I'm actually so confused.

Hey. Oh, hey. I didn't know if I had the right place. So, I mean, are all these

buildings finished?

Yeah.

Come in.

Can you... Yeah, sure.

Yeah? So, you know, I'm actually glad it's just going to be the two of us,

because I wanted you to be the first to know that I decided... Fuck!

No, it's Mary!

It's Mary, Jerry.

I thought it was a purge or something.

What?

What? You guys, you shouldn't have.

Is this my going away party?

Well, at first it was going to be mine, and then it wasn't going to be anyone's,

and now I guess it's...

Well, it's up to you.

So, yes.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Sorry, I just... Sorry.

What in the... Yay.

Oh, what's happened up there?

I don't know. Everyone's been clonking around in their shoes and stuff.

So, who here do you already know?

Only Superman and Wonder Woman.

Oh, yeah, just so you're not disappointed, they're not the actual

When do you want to set light to this?

Oh, and you're absolutely sure it's the fibratory thing? Yeah, people are doing

it on the internet all the time. OK, I think you save it for the end, then.

way to finish off. So I've got celery, carrot, cucumber.

So you've made your final decision?

I don't know.

Maybe I'll stay, just to piss you off.

That would be very fitting.

As long as you know who you can trust.

You know, despite your cold, brittle, impenetrable shell, Chris,

I at least suspected there was something soft, warming, gooey lurking inside.

Easy mistake to make.

Well, at least this time I'll be heading back on my own terms instead of them

trying to extradite me.

That actually happened to one of my African brownies.

Are you allowed to call them that?

Thankfully, she ended up catching sepsis on a tree stump, so she wasn't allowed

on the plane.

Shall we get a drink? Oh, thank you.

Hey. You all right? Hey.

What's that?

Oh, that is a hummus fountain thing.

It's nice. You having a good time?

Yeah. I just wish we'd done this more often.

Well, we can't make you stay.

Why don't you get your bread?

Oh, um... Hello.

Sorry. Yeah, sorry. Jerry Bernstein. You must be Charlene. Charlotte.

Charlotte. As in the potato.

What's that?

You've not heard of potatoes?

I... You're, um... So you're tall.

How has that been? Yeah.

Your poor mother.

She was even taller than me.

Oh, well, of course, obviously.

Otherwise, how would you have, you know, like... come out, is what I... Anyway,

I'm so, so glad you're going to be looking after my buddy here. That's a

commitment. What?

Hopefully. Could be.

No, it is. It is.

OK. I might just go to the toilet. You all right? Yeah.

Fuck,

I'm so sorry. I totally messed that up.

Hi. Oh, you don't mind, but I just did away in your garden.

I don't have a garden.

I... Quentin?

Hopefully it was just a wee.

I don't know if now's a good time, but here you go.

Oh, that's so kind.

Sorry, it's not Matt.

What's his name who I like?

Benedict Cumberbatch.

I love him.

Yes, she loves him.

Is that about the guy in the wheelchair?

That's Damon Hawking. Such a great actor. Did he used to work at GCHQ? No.

think he passed away quite a few years ago now. Benedict Cumberbatch. So do you

guys get anything for me?

Therapy. Cool.

What?

I don't know about you, but I'd like to propose a toast.

Chrissie, come on. You don't have to do that. To Joseph.

To Joseph.

They parted at last with mutual civility and possibly a mutual desire

of never meeting again.

Oh, Chris.

That's so sweet.

Was that Brittany?

Not quite. Jane Austen. Yes, of course.

Either way, I knew it had to be written by a woman.

Well, I'd like to say something, if I may.

About me or you.

Yep. This is open to interpretation.

We go together like ram -a -lam -a -lam

-a, ka -ding -a -da -ding -a -dong.

Remembered forever as shoo -bop, shoo -wada -wada,

yippity -boom -da -boom.

That's the way it should be.

Wah -ooh.

Yeah.

Wah -ooh.

Yeah.

So is that Britney?

Yeah.

Was it your birthday, then?

Um, no.

Not quite, no.

I... I...

I got fired.

Sorry.

What for?

Gross incompetence.

No, what are you sorry for?

Oh, I just don't want you to be disappointed in me or that sort of

Don't be silly.

Couldn't do the shit.

Hey. Hey.

You alright?

Yeah.

Okay,

okay.

Listen,

I just wanted to... Oh.

No. No, go ahead. No.

Go on, go. Please.

I didn't want you to... Go.

Go.

I mean, this might sound completely mad and obvious I'd need to check with

Charlotte first, but do you think I should go with you?

Yeah, I mean, the only issue I think we'd have with that is improving

that no one else in the States could do what you do.

You know, just from a visa point of view.

Right.

And how many people are there in the States?

Right now, 328 million, not including me.

Oh, it'll be fine.

It's going to be fine.

Yeah. Yeah? We can still Zoom every five minutes. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. I mean,

obviously, you know, I'll be busy at times. Well, you know what? I'd be more

than happy to just sort of leave Skype on all day.

You know, even if we're just going about our normal business, we can still sort

of check in every so often, say hello.

I'm sure we'll figure something out. And there's FaceTime, and there's WhatsApp,

and there's house parties. Can you... Sorry, I'm just feeling a bit

Okay.

You know what you remind me of?

No. A pilot fish.

Do you know the one I mean? It's one of those fish that swim under sharks.

Oh, yeah, yeah, for added protection, yeah. Yeah, but here's the thing.

It's also huge benefit to the shark because that tiny little fish

eats all the little bits of dead, dry skin, keeping that shark healthy and

Are you saying that's what you'd like me to do?

No, I just I just want you to remember that when I'm gone

Um Wonder Woman's been sick

Are you coming in Jerry? Oh, give me a minute. She

okay? No, it's like all in her wig.

Oh, I've got the Superman now How did he meet Jason?

What am I doing?

You order pizza?

Oh, uh... Yeah, um, let me just go get my butter.

What's going on?

Hooray, hooray, hooray. Loser is on the way. There are bad times just around the

corner. There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky.

It's as clear as crystal from Bridlington to Bristol that we can't

democracy and we don't much care. We'd better all learn the lyrics of the old

red flag and wait until we drop down.