All language subtitles for Intelligence.UK.S02E02.720p.HDTV.x264-GalaxyTV

Also, Buckingham Palace have been in
touch to ask if we can have another look

their firewall because the Queen's tour
is leaving pop -ups for erectile

dysfunction. I once took one of those
tablets by mistake.

Did it work?

Yes. Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, are they all yours?

No, a lot of these are international
arrest warrants. I just didn't want to

anything.

Anything in there with my name on it?
Why? What did you do?

Oh, no, nothing. I think it's just me
and Charlotte from GCHQB that have had a

lot of email back and forth recently.

Is that the tall girl with mad cow
disease?

No, who's that? Morning, everyone.

Oh, shit. Did someone die?

Yes. About 80 million people this week
were celebrating 76 years since the end

of World War II. By dressing as Hitler
and his dentist.

Wait, I have to wear this for a whole
week? Yes.

This is a Women's Auxiliary Air Force
pilot's uniform. Used to belong to your

great -grandmother.

Wow. So your grandmother could fly?

Yes. Does that surprise you? No, I just
didn't know women were allowed to fly

planes back then. I'd worry about how
safe that was.

Lots of kamikaze pilots, world women.

Exactly, because they're the best at
crashing.

Also, I was very pleased to see that
last week's Hinkley Point success

heavily on page three of the Telegraph.
Wait, why wasn't I asked to pose for

that? It's not that sort of paper.

What they didn't report is that despite
GCHQ regaining full control of Eternal

Blue, a hybrid weapon is already being
rebuilt by the Russians with the

to disrupt air traffic control services
across the globe.

Gosh, exactly what happens in Die Hard
2.

Did they even mention me by name in the
article? No. Here at GCHQ, we prefer

individuals to remain anonymous.

Well, it's certainly working.

By the way, who are you talking to at
the NSA about this?

Alan Jones.

Well,

if you want Jones and me to put our
heads together, I'm sure we can locate

guys. Besides, I'd love to take a crack
at saving the whole world, not just this

little island.

Well, we can discuss that with Rupert
later, but personally, I feel your ego

prove to be too much of a distraction.

Oh, come on, Chris.

Give me a little credit. It's not always
going to be about... Oh, my God. Are

those for me?

Yeah, they've just arrived.

Wow. What?

Oh, my. This is so embarrassing.

Thank you so much.

Not from me. No, but still.

I mean, it's just so sweet of you to
give me these flowers. They're not from

No, I know. But the way you handed them
to me was just so sweet. Can I go?

Yeah, I don't even remember your name.

Wow.

These are incredible.

Thank you. Look, a card.

Did I not even get, like, an arrest
warrant then?

So sorry, buddy.

To Jerry.

Mwah.

Love? Question mark.

I just want to say, if the person who
got me these happens to be in this room,

from the bottom of my heart, thank

you. Surely you're not serious.

Yeah.

Hey. Hey, what's up? I'm busy.

Not much.

I'm just a little bit lonely and bored.
Do you mind if I pick your flowers?

No, knock yourself out.

You know these weren't from me. Yeah. I
just didn't know if you were expecting a

Valentine's gift just because you used
to be married. No, and listen, I'd

you didn't keep using that phrase, used
to be married, because it kind of makes

it sound like it was for real.

Right. What would you prefer I use than
sort of recently separated?

Again, I just don't think... You know
what? I'd be up for that. How about you

don't refer to it ever again?

Okay, I'll try. Okay.

You know, I'm a bit curious as to who
they're from. Yeah, I'm kind of busy

protecting all mankind right now, so...

I guess I was

just secretly hoping.

But, you know, you wouldn't get anything
either and then we could be lonely

together, do you know what I mean?

Oh, my God, I almost forgot.

Look what just arrived for you in the
internal mail system.

Oh, my God. I know.

Go open it. Oh, my God. Hang on. Is this
from you?

Are you kidding?

You think I'd, what, get you a
Valentine's Day card out of pity? I

it against you.

No, I'm not that nice.

Swear on your life.

I swear on your life, buddy.

Oh, my God.

Hey, sexy.

Come on. Stay amazing.

Kiss.

Aw.

Do you think it's from Charlotte, maybe?

Could be.

But actually, we've never met.

No. We'll say she's not really having
the full experience.

Right. Yeah.

Still, it's possible.

Maybe I'll just text her and ask.

No, don't know. Don't do that.

No?

No, because what if it isn't?

Right? And if it is, you don't want her
knowing that you know.

Maybe I'll just get handwriting analysis
done then. No, what?

Where? Here, down the desk.

No, absolutely not.

Do not do that.

Okay, listen, buddy. Right now, that
card could be from anyone.

It's almost more fun not knowing who
it's from. What's your wildest fantasy?

Meeting someone who could fly.

No, I mean, if that card could be from
anyone in the world, who would you want

it to be from?

I guess it'd be a toss -up between...

David Amber and Princess Jasmine from
Aladdin.

The live action? The cartoon.

The cartoon.

Yeah. There you go.

Hey. You alright?

Yeah, I have a handwriting sample that
needs analysing. I've told you you're

best person to ask.

A case number?

Right, yeah. I haven't actually been
assigned a number yet.

Why not?

I know it's going to sound really weird,
but I think they've just run out.

They've run out of numbers?

Well, no, not run out. I think they've
just used them all up on other cases. I

don't know if you've ever had that
happen before.

Well, he was the supervising officer on
the case. I can search for a Scorpio.

Right, yes.

Gosh, I'm so bad with names.

And there are so many now, aren't there?

There's only four.

There's only four?

Oh, seems like... Well, um...

Male. Male.

White? Yeah, probably. I mean, or not,
or not. I mean, you know, they could

been more like Mike or, you know, or the
colour of this folder. I'm not... Well,

there are no blue supervising officers.

And I think that is so bad nowadays.

Are you taking the piss?

Oh, no, God, no, no. I'm just, you know,
I'm on your side, obviously.

Well, what side's that, then?

I'm like you, aren't I? You're a black
woman. Well, no, not quite, but I'm

Oh, you're half a black woman. I'm just
a complete mix. Of black and blue. Of

black and white. Oh, so you're grey.

So I have a handwriting sample that
needs analysing.

Please don't tell me those are for me.

No, of course not. These are mine.

You've got another bunch of flowers?

No, this is the same bunch.

I just didn't want to leave them lying
around. It's not safe.

This is one of the safest buildings on
the planet. I just don't want anyone

tripping over them and risk hurting the
arrangement.

Do you mind if we have a word in
private?

Evelyn? What, I only just sat down.

You've been sitting down all day. Yeah,
but not like this. Please.

Thank you.

Can I just say, for the first six
months, I had no idea you two were

daughter. Well, I try not to make too
much of a thorn dance about it.

No, I completely get it. I'd be the same
if I were your daughter.

What can I do for you?

Well, given I saved Britain last week,
you're welcome. Did Jonesy mention

anything about the NSA dropping the case
against me? You know, that whole

election fraud thing? I thought you
liked it here.

Oh, no, don't get me wrong. I love it
here, and I adore your outfit. I'm just

thinking, hypothetically, if I managed
to track down these Russian dudes,

that would paint me in a better light,
right?

We'll just have to wait and see.

Any news about who might have leaked the
NSA intel in the first place?

No, but I've been professionally
interrogating people since I was nine.

Mary, I swear to God this is your last
chance.

Are you working for the Russians?

No! Right. That's it. I want a
waterboarder. Mary, get up here. Tuva,

recording all this?

Oh, fuck yeah.

No, Mary, turn around.

You've got to face me. This isn't an
enema. This is serious.

Now lie down flat.

No, face up.

Mary, flip over.

Joseph, you know what? Yeah. Hold her
down.

Now, who has the towel?

The options are a lovely little bunny
rabbit one, one from a local school, or

just a plain gingham one, but I don't
know if it's clean.

I don't know if you see the rabbit. Shut
up!

Okay, Mary, where's your mouth?

In here.

Okay. Do we have any water?

I've got some Sprite you can use. No, I
don't think it'll work with Sprite. It

blows me up. Shut up, Mary!

Is the water in the flower? Do not touch
the flower!

My God.

Why do you want this? Okay, do you know
what? Get out of here.

Oh, my God.

All right, you want to position it over
her mouth. Yeah. Okay?

Okay.

What the fuck are you doing? I'm so
sorry, Jerry. It's just really difficult

trying to keep it upright.

You're supposed to get on her.

I'm being serious, Mary.

This is your last chance.

Okay? And I'm aiming for the mouth,
yeah. Just pour it on the rabbit. Here

go.

What? Are you kidding? I'm so sorry,
Jerry. I'm sorry.

That's not clean.

What? God! All right, you know what? I'm
going to...

Okay. Are you good?

You good?

Yeah. Go for it. Wait, let me just
adjust you.

Are you kidding? Jerry, I'm so sorry.
What the hell's going on?

Oh, hey, Chris.

I was just teaching the gang
interrogation techniques in case we find

But Mary is a mole.

What? Mary.

We've all got lots of questions. Chris,
you've got to let me handle this.

Absolutely not. Sit down. I just need
you all to listen.

It's true. For a few weeks now, Mary's
position here has been compromised.

Son of a bitch!

But only because her mother has been
captured by the Russian mob responsible

last week's attack and who have been
blackmailing Mary for inside intel.

Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that.

I thought your mom passed away. But
they're dying.

Your mother's, um, parked away.

So your mum's still alive?

Yes. But now they keep threatening to
send one of her fingers through the

Why? What's wrong with her fingers?

Fortunately... Fortunately, Mary had the
foresight to buy us some

time by sending the Russians a lot of
false leads.

So Mary's now a devil agent?

Technically, she's a triple agent.

That's right. So we think she's working
for us, the Russians think she's working

for them, but really she's working for
someone else.

No, she's just working for us.

Right. Good.

How's that different from what she was
doing before?

Because the Russians believe she's now
working for them.

That's two things, isn't it? Listen, all
you need to know is that we are keeping

Mary's cover a secret so that we can
continue to feed the Russians false

and in doing so, hopefully, prevent a
future eternal blue attack.

Plot! I must admit, it's quite nice for
me and Quentin to have a bit of space

for Mum, too.

Oh, for you and Quentin still?

Yes.

Every night.

Yeah, baby.

What stage are you at? Please, Dad. 63.

Answer that.

Is that...?

I just want to say... They weren't from
me.

No, sure.

I'm just double -checking with everyone
I've ever, you know... Disappointed?

So do you get paid more for being a
triple agent?

No. But I am trying to negotiate more
holiday.

Oh, right. And the Russians are all
right with that?

No. They were very angry.

You know, I had a friend who started off
as a triple agent, but then went on to

become an octuple agent, almost
overnight.

So who did that mean they were working
for in the end?

Well... They thought that we thought
that they thought that we thought

that they thought that, that, that we,
that, you know, I got

to get some water for these.

Hey, how's it going?

So do you want me to have a drink and
I've done a walk?

I mean, that's not why I came to see
you, but yeah, I'm down.

I'll call you back.

Jerry Bernstein, NSA.

It's honey, right?

So, I just wanted to warn you about this
guy I'm working with.

You might have seen him scampering
around. He's a tiny little guy, kind of

Cinnamon Santa.

I mean, in terms of disposition, not.

Anyway... I was just wondering how this
works. If he came to you with a sample

of handwriting, how quickly would you be
able to work out that it was mine?

So you're telling me it's yours?

No. No, I'm just saying that as an
example.

Like, would it help if I provided you
with a sample of my handwriting first,

just to rule me out? Not if I already
know it's yours.

No.

Sure.

But ignoring that, I wish I'd never said
it.

How can I help you avoid coming up with
a false conclusion?

I'd need to know a bit more info on your
background and see a sample of your

handwriting.

Absolutely.

When I thought...

I'm

so sorry I'm late.

Couldn't fit in the elevator.

Jerry, just wanted to congratulate you
on the Hinkley Point success last week.

Great work. Thanks, Rupert.

I can't believe we've never met in the
flesh.

Well, I have been in theater these past
few weeks. Oh, great. What show?

No, I was in a pony riding accident.

Well, either way, I'm sure it was
fantastic.

Who's the lucky lady? Or fella?

Yeah, right.

Right, I mean...

I mean, right, right, right on.

I'm actually in touch with thousands of
women, so who knows? It could be from

any or all of them.

Looks like a team of the unknown
soldier.

I don't really understand the reference,
but yes, absolutely. Thank you.

Hi,

Jerry, do you mind if I have a quick...
We're busy. What is it?

Oh, you know what? It's fine. I didn't
know that you... Don't be silly.

We're all equals here. You know, I
really should... Come on.

Only if you're sure.

Of course.

We even get paid the same.

Seriously? No.

I'm on a lot more.

What do you want?

Oh, um... What do I want?

Well, I, um... I had some handwriting
analysis done on the

Valentine's Day card that I received.

What? Sorry.

Let me get this straight. You've been
using GCHQ resources?

funded by the UK taxpayer to find out
who sent you a Valentine's Day card?

In my defence, that is exactly why I
didn't want to say it in front of you.

And?

Oh, well... No, that's not important.

Shall we continue with our high -profile
meeting? Hang on.

You can stay.

Well, actually, it turned out... Oh, my
God, what's wrong?

Cherry, what's wrong? Oh, Joseph, could
you go? Could you go?

Could you go?

Oh, for heaven's sake, Jerry.

Okay, look.

I just did it to cheer him up. It
doesn't mean anything.

What do you mean?

It was from you.

Why? They used to be married.

Isn't that what the handwriting analysis
showed?

No, I was about to say the results were
inconclusive.

Oh, sorry.

No, that's what I meant.

I mean, it could have been from anyone.

It could have been Chris.

It could have been Rupert. Well, I'd
never met him before, but... But you

all my life that it wasn't from you.

Don't worry about it, buddy. It doesn't
mean you're actually going to die.

I'm sorry about this. No, this is fun.

I thought you'd be pleased.

Yeah, only because you told me it
definitely wasn't from you. Oh, thank

much. Well, I don't believe Gary. I
don't know, maybe that your mother sent

out of sympathy.

Well, she died 20 years ago. Maybe she
post -dated it. Look, I'll make it up to

you, okay? I'll take you out to dinner,
somewhere real fancy.

You'll take me out for dinner on
Valentine's Day?

Well, no, obviously not tonight. I've
got plans.

I do.

But you'll take me out at some point,
right? Yes, but not because I sent you a

Valentine's Day card. But you did send
me a Valentine's Day card. Yeah, because

I wanted you to feel special. I'll feel
special when you take me out for dinner.

Why don't you take him out now?

This meeting is over.

Have you been wearing that all this
time?

Good night, Jacinda.

Joseph.

Yes. It pains me to have to say this,
but I'm seriously starting to call into

question your position here at GCHQ.

Do you understand?

Yes. Yeah, absolutely. And listen, I
just wanted to let you know I'm well

that we keep having these kind of
conversations every week now, but I

you it won't happen again.

It better not.

At least Valentine's Day is only once a
year.

This is your final warning.

Do you hear?

Yeah.

Handwriting analysis.

I mean, who else did you think it was
from?

Princess Jasmine?

Hi,

Ma. Hi, sweetie.

Happy Valentine's Day.

You too.

Did you get my flowers?

Hooray, hooray, hooray, misery's on the
way. There are bad times just around the

corner. There are dark clouds hurtling
through the sky.

It's as clear as crystal from
Bridlington to Bristol that we can't

democracy and we don't much care. We'd
better all learn the lyrics on the old

red flag and wait until we drop down
dead.