Original subtitles

Also, Buckingham Palace have been in touch to ask if we can have another look

their firewall because the Queen's tour is leaving pop -ups for erectile

dysfunction. I once took one of those tablets by mistake.

Did it work?

Yes. Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, are they all yours?

No, a lot of these are international arrest warrants. I just didn't want to

anything.

Anything in there with my name on it? Why? What did you do?

Oh, no, nothing. I think it's just me and Charlotte from GCHQB that have had a

lot of email back and forth recently.

Is that the tall girl with mad cow disease?

No, who's that? Morning, everyone.

Oh, shit. Did someone die?

Yes. About 80 million people this week were celebrating 76 years since the end

of World War II. By dressing as Hitler and his dentist.

Wait, I have to wear this for a whole week? Yes.

This is a Women's Auxiliary Air Force pilot's uniform. Used to belong to your

great -grandmother.

Wow. So your grandmother could fly?

Yes. Does that surprise you? No, I just didn't know women were allowed to fly

planes back then. I'd worry about how safe that was.

Lots of kamikaze pilots, world women.

Exactly, because they're the best at crashing.

Also, I was very pleased to see that last week's Hinkley Point success

heavily on page three of the Telegraph. Wait, why wasn't I asked to pose for

that? It's not that sort of paper.

What they didn't report is that despite GCHQ regaining full control of Eternal

Blue, a hybrid weapon is already being rebuilt by the Russians with the

to disrupt air traffic control services across the globe.

Gosh, exactly what happens in Die Hard 2.

Did they even mention me by name in the article? No. Here at GCHQ, we prefer

individuals to remain anonymous.

Well, it's certainly working.

By the way, who are you talking to at the NSA about this?

Alan Jones.

Well,

if you want Jones and me to put our heads together, I'm sure we can locate

guys. Besides, I'd love to take a crack at saving the whole world, not just this

little island.

Well, we can discuss that with Rupert later, but personally, I feel your ego

prove to be too much of a distraction.

Oh, come on, Chris.

Give me a little credit. It's not always going to be about... Oh, my God. Are

those for me?

Yeah, they've just arrived.

Wow. What?

Oh, my. This is so embarrassing.

Thank you so much.

Not from me. No, but still.

I mean, it's just so sweet of you to give me these flowers. They're not from

No, I know. But the way you handed them to me was just so sweet. Can I go?

Yeah, I don't even remember your name.

Wow.

These are incredible.

Thank you. Look, a card.

Did I not even get, like, an arrest warrant then?

So sorry, buddy.

To Jerry.

Mwah.

Love? Question mark.

I just want to say, if the person who got me these happens to be in this room,

from the bottom of my heart, thank

you. Surely you're not serious.

Yeah.

Hey. Hey, what's up? I'm busy.

Not much.

I'm just a little bit lonely and bored. Do you mind if I pick your flowers?

No, knock yourself out.

You know these weren't from me. Yeah. I just didn't know if you were expecting a

Valentine's gift just because you used to be married. No, and listen, I'd

you didn't keep using that phrase, used to be married, because it kind of makes

it sound like it was for real.

Right. What would you prefer I use than sort of recently separated?

Again, I just don't think... You know what? I'd be up for that. How about you

don't refer to it ever again?

Okay, I'll try. Okay.

You know, I'm a bit curious as to who they're from. Yeah, I'm kind of busy

protecting all mankind right now, so...

I guess I was

just secretly hoping.

But, you know, you wouldn't get anything either and then we could be lonely

together, do you know what I mean?

Oh, my God, I almost forgot.

Look what just arrived for you in the internal mail system.

Oh, my God. I know.

Go open it. Oh, my God. Hang on. Is this from you?

Are you kidding?

You think I'd, what, get you a Valentine's Day card out of pity? I

it against you.

No, I'm not that nice.

Swear on your life.

I swear on your life, buddy.

Oh, my God.

Hey, sexy.

Come on. Stay amazing.

Kiss.

Aw.

Do you think it's from Charlotte, maybe?

Could be.

But actually, we've never met.

No. We'll say she's not really having the full experience.

Right. Yeah.

Still, it's possible.

Maybe I'll just text her and ask.

No, don't know. Don't do that.

No?

No, because what if it isn't?

Right? And if it is, you don't want her knowing that you know.

Maybe I'll just get handwriting analysis done then. No, what?

Where? Here, down the desk.

No, absolutely not.

Do not do that.

Okay, listen, buddy. Right now, that card could be from anyone.

It's almost more fun not knowing who it's from. What's your wildest fantasy?

Meeting someone who could fly.

No, I mean, if that card could be from anyone in the world, who would you want

it to be from?

I guess it'd be a toss -up between...

David Amber and Princess Jasmine from Aladdin.

The live action? The cartoon.

The cartoon.

Yeah. There you go.

Hey. You alright?

Yeah, I have a handwriting sample that needs analysing. I've told you you're

best person to ask.

A case number?

Right, yeah. I haven't actually been assigned a number yet.

Why not?

I know it's going to sound really weird, but I think they've just run out.

They've run out of numbers?

Well, no, not run out. I think they've just used them all up on other cases. I

don't know if you've ever had that happen before.

Well, he was the supervising officer on the case. I can search for a Scorpio.

Right, yes.

Gosh, I'm so bad with names.

And there are so many now, aren't there?

There's only four.

There's only four?

Oh, seems like... Well, um...

Male. Male.

White? Yeah, probably. I mean, or not, or not. I mean, you know, they could

been more like Mike or, you know, or the colour of this folder. I'm not... Well,

there are no blue supervising officers.

And I think that is so bad nowadays.

Are you taking the piss?

Oh, no, God, no, no. I'm just, you know, I'm on your side, obviously.

Well, what side's that, then?

I'm like you, aren't I? You're a black woman. Well, no, not quite, but I'm

Oh, you're half a black woman. I'm just a complete mix. Of black and blue. Of

black and white. Oh, so you're grey.

So I have a handwriting sample that needs analysing.

Please don't tell me those are for me.

No, of course not. These are mine.

You've got another bunch of flowers?

No, this is the same bunch.

I just didn't want to leave them lying around. It's not safe.

This is one of the safest buildings on the planet. I just don't want anyone

tripping over them and risk hurting the arrangement.

Do you mind if we have a word in private?

Evelyn? What, I only just sat down.

You've been sitting down all day. Yeah, but not like this. Please.

Thank you.

Can I just say, for the first six months, I had no idea you two were

daughter. Well, I try not to make too much of a thorn dance about it.

No, I completely get it. I'd be the same if I were your daughter.

What can I do for you?

Well, given I saved Britain last week, you're welcome. Did Jonesy mention

anything about the NSA dropping the case against me? You know, that whole

election fraud thing? I thought you liked it here.

Oh, no, don't get me wrong. I love it here, and I adore your outfit. I'm just

thinking, hypothetically, if I managed to track down these Russian dudes,

that would paint me in a better light, right?

We'll just have to wait and see.

Any news about who might have leaked the NSA intel in the first place?

No, but I've been professionally interrogating people since I was nine.

Mary, I swear to God this is your last chance.

Are you working for the Russians?

No! Right. That's it. I want a waterboarder. Mary, get up here. Tuva,

recording all this?

Oh, fuck yeah.

No, Mary, turn around.

You've got to face me. This isn't an enema. This is serious.

Now lie down flat.

No, face up.

Mary, flip over.

Joseph, you know what? Yeah. Hold her down.

Now, who has the towel?

The options are a lovely little bunny rabbit one, one from a local school, or

just a plain gingham one, but I don't know if it's clean.

I don't know if you see the rabbit. Shut up!

Okay, Mary, where's your mouth?

In here.

Okay. Do we have any water?

I've got some Sprite you can use. No, I don't think it'll work with Sprite. It

blows me up. Shut up, Mary!

Is the water in the flower? Do not touch the flower!

My God.

Why do you want this? Okay, do you know what? Get out of here.

Oh, my God.

All right, you want to position it over her mouth. Yeah. Okay?

Okay.

What the fuck are you doing? I'm so sorry, Jerry. It's just really difficult

trying to keep it upright.

You're supposed to get on her.

I'm being serious, Mary.

This is your last chance.

Okay? And I'm aiming for the mouth, yeah. Just pour it on the rabbit. Here

go.

What? Are you kidding? I'm so sorry, Jerry. I'm sorry.

That's not clean.

What? God! All right, you know what? I'm going to...

Okay. Are you good?

You good?

Yeah. Go for it. Wait, let me just adjust you.

Are you kidding? Jerry, I'm so sorry. What the hell's going on?

Oh, hey, Chris.

I was just teaching the gang interrogation techniques in case we find

But Mary is a mole.

What? Mary.

We've all got lots of questions. Chris, you've got to let me handle this.

Absolutely not. Sit down. I just need you all to listen.

It's true. For a few weeks now, Mary's position here has been compromised.

Son of a bitch!

But only because her mother has been captured by the Russian mob responsible

last week's attack and who have been blackmailing Mary for inside intel.

Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that.

I thought your mom passed away. But they're dying.

Your mother's, um, parked away.

So your mum's still alive?

Yes. But now they keep threatening to send one of her fingers through the

Why? What's wrong with her fingers?

Fortunately... Fortunately, Mary had the foresight to buy us some

time by sending the Russians a lot of false leads.

So Mary's now a devil agent?

Technically, she's a triple agent.

That's right. So we think she's working for us, the Russians think she's working

for them, but really she's working for someone else.

No, she's just working for us.

Right. Good.

How's that different from what she was doing before?

Because the Russians believe she's now working for them.

That's two things, isn't it? Listen, all you need to know is that we are keeping

Mary's cover a secret so that we can continue to feed the Russians false

and in doing so, hopefully, prevent a future eternal blue attack.

Plot! I must admit, it's quite nice for me and Quentin to have a bit of space

for Mum, too.

Oh, for you and Quentin still?

Yes.

Every night.

Yeah, baby.

What stage are you at? Please, Dad. 63.

Answer that.

Is that...?

I just want to say... They weren't from me.

No, sure.

I'm just double -checking with everyone I've ever, you know... Disappointed?

So do you get paid more for being a triple agent?

No. But I am trying to negotiate more holiday.

Oh, right. And the Russians are all right with that?

No. They were very angry.

You know, I had a friend who started off as a triple agent, but then went on to

become an octuple agent, almost overnight.

So who did that mean they were working for in the end?

Well... They thought that we thought that they thought that we thought

that they thought that, that, that we, that, you know, I got

to get some water for these.

Hey, how's it going?

So do you want me to have a drink and I've done a walk?

I mean, that's not why I came to see you, but yeah, I'm down.

I'll call you back.

Jerry Bernstein, NSA.

It's honey, right?

So, I just wanted to warn you about this guy I'm working with.

You might have seen him scampering around. He's a tiny little guy, kind of

Cinnamon Santa.

I mean, in terms of disposition, not.

Anyway... I was just wondering how this works. If he came to you with a sample

of handwriting, how quickly would you be able to work out that it was mine?

So you're telling me it's yours?

No. No, I'm just saying that as an example.

Like, would it help if I provided you with a sample of my handwriting first,

just to rule me out? Not if I already know it's yours.

No.

Sure.

But ignoring that, I wish I'd never said it.

How can I help you avoid coming up with a false conclusion?

I'd need to know a bit more info on your background and see a sample of your

handwriting.

Absolutely.

When I thought...

I'm

so sorry I'm late.

Couldn't fit in the elevator.

Jerry, just wanted to congratulate you on the Hinkley Point success last week.

Great work. Thanks, Rupert.

I can't believe we've never met in the flesh.

Well, I have been in theater these past few weeks. Oh, great. What show?

No, I was in a pony riding accident.

Well, either way, I'm sure it was fantastic.

Who's the lucky lady? Or fella?

Yeah, right.

Right, I mean...

I mean, right, right, right on.

I'm actually in touch with thousands of women, so who knows? It could be from

any or all of them.

Looks like a team of the unknown soldier.

I don't really understand the reference, but yes, absolutely. Thank you.

Hi,

Jerry, do you mind if I have a quick... We're busy. What is it?

Oh, you know what? It's fine. I didn't know that you... Don't be silly.

We're all equals here. You know, I really should... Come on.

Only if you're sure.

Of course.

We even get paid the same.

Seriously? No.

I'm on a lot more.

What do you want?

Oh, um... What do I want?

Well, I, um... I had some handwriting analysis done on the

Valentine's Day card that I received.

What? Sorry.

Let me get this straight. You've been using GCHQ resources?

funded by the UK taxpayer to find out who sent you a Valentine's Day card?

In my defence, that is exactly why I didn't want to say it in front of you.

And?

Oh, well... No, that's not important.

Shall we continue with our high -profile meeting? Hang on.

You can stay.

Well, actually, it turned out... Oh, my God, what's wrong?

Cherry, what's wrong? Oh, Joseph, could you go? Could you go?

Could you go?

Oh, for heaven's sake, Jerry.

Okay, look.

I just did it to cheer him up. It doesn't mean anything.

What do you mean?

It was from you.

Why? They used to be married.

Isn't that what the handwriting analysis showed?

No, I was about to say the results were inconclusive.

Oh, sorry.

No, that's what I meant.

I mean, it could have been from anyone.

It could have been Chris.

It could have been Rupert. Well, I'd never met him before, but... But you

all my life that it wasn't from you.

Don't worry about it, buddy. It doesn't mean you're actually going to die.

I'm sorry about this. No, this is fun.

I thought you'd be pleased.

Yeah, only because you told me it definitely wasn't from you. Oh, thank

much. Well, I don't believe Gary. I don't know, maybe that your mother sent

out of sympathy.

Well, she died 20 years ago. Maybe she post -dated it. Look, I'll make it up to

you, okay? I'll take you out to dinner, somewhere real fancy.

You'll take me out for dinner on Valentine's Day?

Well, no, obviously not tonight. I've got plans.

I do.

But you'll take me out at some point, right? Yes, but not because I sent you a

Valentine's Day card. But you did send me a Valentine's Day card. Yeah, because

I wanted you to feel special. I'll feel special when you take me out for dinner.

Why don't you take him out now?

This meeting is over.

Have you been wearing that all this time?

Good night, Jacinda.

Joseph.

Yes. It pains me to have to say this, but I'm seriously starting to call into

question your position here at GCHQ.

Do you understand?

Yes. Yeah, absolutely. And listen, I just wanted to let you know I'm well

that we keep having these kind of conversations every week now, but I

you it won't happen again.

It better not.

At least Valentine's Day is only once a year.

This is your final warning.

Do you hear?

Yeah.

Handwriting analysis.

I mean, who else did you think it was from?

Princess Jasmine?

Hi,

Ma. Hi, sweetie.

Happy Valentine's Day.

You too.

Did you get my flowers?

Hooray, hooray, hooray, misery's on the way. There are bad times just around the

corner. There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky.

It's as clear as crystal from Bridlington to Bristol that we can't

democracy and we don't much care. We'd better all learn the lyrics on the old

red flag and wait until we drop down dead.