Original subtitles

(Elliot) God, she's beautiful. She's got the prettiest eyes.

She looks so sexy in that sweater.

I just want to be alone with her and hold her and kiss her,

and tell her how much I love her and take care of her.

Stop it, you idiot! She's your wife's sister.

I can't help it. I'm consumed by her. It's been months now.

I dream about her, I think about her at the office.

Oh, Lee. What am I gonna do?

I hear myself mooning over you, and it's disgusting.

Before, when she squeezed past me in the doorway

and I smelt that perfume on the back of her neck...

Jesus, I thought I was gonna swoon.

Easy. You're a dignified financial advisor.

It doesn't look good for you to swoon.'

Elliot?

- Elliot? Sweetheart? - Mm?

Have you tried these? They're wonderful. Holly and her friend made them.

Fantastic. Your sister is an unbelievable cook.

I know, I know. She has all the cooking talent.

- No, you've got tons as well. - I've eaten five of these.

- Holly, why don't you open a restaurant? - Mm, we practically are.

Well... not a restaurant, but... April and I are gonna do some catering.

- What? You're kidding. - No, we decided.

Perfect.

We like to cook for friends, so... until an acting job comes through,

we could make money doing private parties.

- Great idea. That's where your talent lies. - I know.

Get outta here. Could I speak to you privately?

I'm her husband. She tells me anything.

Hannah, I need more money. Don't get upset.

- I never get upset over that. - This is the last time.

- I'm keeping strict accounts. - Please, don't insult me.

- Someday I'll pay it all back. - I know. How much do you need?

- $2,000. - Uh-huh.

I know it's a lot, but April and I have this catering idea. It's gonna be great.

You admit that we're great cooks.

In order to get started, there are a few things to buy and some old debts to pay.

Just tell me one thing. Are we talking about cocaine again?

I swear. We've already got some requests to do dinner parties.

Obviously I'm not gonna be a caterer for ever. We both still go on auditions.

Something could come up at any moment, but the parties are at night.

I can still take my acting class. I haven't clone drugs in a year.

♪ A whimpering, simpering child again

♪ Bewitched, bothered and bewildered... ♪

Mom and Dad are floating down memory lane again.

- Have you tried Holly's shrimp puffs? - They're fantastic.

I need an antihistamine for Mom's asthma before she turns into Camille.

Mom's Camille when she gets up in the morning.

- At least she isn't drinking. - Doesn't she look great in that dress?

She knows it cos she's flirting with the men.

When she's 80, she'll stop straightening her garter belt when there's a guy around.

- Where's the antihistamine? - Elliot's got them somewhere.

- Frederick didn't come with her. - When does he ever?

He's such an angry... He's such a depressive.

- I thought she was moving out. - I don't know.

♪ A pill he is

♪ But still he is

♪ All mine and I'll keep him until he is

♪ Bewitched... ♪

Watch out, you guys! Beep-beep!

Your kids are so adorable. It gets so lonely on the holidays.

Oh, gosh. Well, that's why I invited Phil Gammage tonight.

- Hannah, he's such a loser. - He's not a loser at all.

- He's the head of Daisy's school. - He reminds me of Ichabod Crane.

His Adam's apple jumps up and down when he gets excited.

He's a lot better than your ex-husband. He's got a good job.

- He's not a dope addict. - Give me a break.

- Am I interrupting any sister talk? - (Hannah) Mm-mm.

Good, because there are no interesting single men at this party.

Well, listen. Maybe April would like Phil. Phil Gammage? The tall guy?

Oh, yeah, I met Phil. He looks like Ichabod Crane?

I love that. That's my type. No, really!

No, we mustn't get discouraged.

Hannah will invite some men over who don't look like Ichabod Crane.

Maybe at Christmas, or if not Christmas, New Year's, or maybe next New Year's.

Ouch!

- It must be here some place. - (Lee) Oh, you know?

I love that book you lent me, "The Easter Parade".

You were right. It had very special meaning for me.

How's Frederick? He didn't come.

You know Frederick, one of his moods. But it wasn't a bad week.

- He sold a picture. - Oh, great.

Yeah, it was one of his better drawings, a very beautiful nude study.

Actually, it was of me.

It's a funny feeling to know you're being hung naked in a stranger's living room.

But you can't tell it's me, although... You're turning all red, Elliot.

Oh, really?

- So what else? What are you up to? - I don't know.

My unemployment cheques are running out.

I may do a course at Columbia with the last of my savings.

- Like...? - I don't know, exactly.

Sociology, psychology maybe...

I always thought I might like to work with children.

Incidentally, I always have clients who are furnishing places.

Someone might be interested in buying art. Shall I call you?

Yeah, sure. Frederick would really be grateful for a sale.

(Hannah) Guys, dinner's ready!

You look so beautiful. Doesn't she?

I bumped into your ex-husband on the street the other day. He's still crazy.

- He was on his way to get a blood test. - Mickey's such a hypochondriac.

I wonder how he'd handle if there was ever anything really wrong with him.

- (Glass being tapped) - Now, ladies and gentlemen...

- Dad! Dad! - (Glass rings)

- Dad! - No, now this is a toast...

This is a toast. This is a toast.

You know, this beautiful Thanksgiving dinner was all prepared by Hannah.

I had a little help from Mavis. Also, Holly and April...

No, no. You did it. She did it.

And we drink to her,

and we congratulate her on her wonderful accomplishment during this last year.

Her great success in "A Doll's House".

(All) Hurray!

I played Nora. I'd hate to tell you what year.

And it's very difficult to behave like Torvalds little chipmunk

without making a perfect ass out of yourself.

Now, I think that Ibsen would've been damned proud of our Hannah.

Speech! Speech!

No, no. I've been very, very lucky.

When I had the kids, I decided to stop working

and just devote myself to having the family, and I've been very happy.

But I've always secretly hoped that maybe some little gem would come along

and tempt me back on the stage just for a second.

Now I got that out of my system, I can go back to the thing that makes me happy.

Bravo! Bravo!

Is it my imagination or does Elliot have a little crush on me?

It's funny. I've had that thought before.

He pays a lot of attention to me all the time.

And he blushed tonight when we were alone in the bedroom.

I wonder if he and Hannah are happy.

It's funny, I still feel a little buzz from his flirting.'

- Want some coffee or tea? - (Frederick) No, thank you.

- How about something to eat? - No, nothing.

- Are you sure? - Absolutely.

What am I gonna do with you? God!

Why didn't you come tonight? We all had a terrific time.

I really think you would've enjoyed yourself.

I'm going through a period of my life where I just can't be around people.

- I didn't want to abuse anyone. - You wouldn't. They're all so sweet.

Lee, you are the only person I can be with,

who I really look forward to being with.

You're too harsh with everyone. You know that, don't you?

- Isn't it enough that I can love you? - You're such a puzzle.

So sweet with me, and so contemptuous of everyone else.

There was a time when you were very happy to be only with me.

You wanted to learn everything about poetry, about music.

Have I really taught you everything I have to give? I don't think so.

Elliot said he might have a couple of clients for you.

I'm sure those morons he handles have a deep feeling for art.

You never know, they might. He was just trying to do the nice thing.

- Because he likes you. - Me?

Yeah. Elliot lusts after you.

Based on what? You never even see him.

Based on...

Whenever you see him, you come home full of books he's recommended.

- Or films you must see, or... - Oh, no, no. He's my sister's husband.

I think if you gave him half a chance, you'd like him. He's very intelligent.

He's a glorified accountant and he's after you.

And I prefer to sell my work to people who appreciate it, not to rock stars.

You understand?

(Chuckling)

- They won't let us do the sketch? - Standards & Practices say it's dirty.

We showed them the rehearsal. They just figured out what the words mean?

- Mickey, we got a half-hour to air. - The show is five minutes short.

- How? We timed everything long. - With no sketch, we're ten minutes short.

- How can they do that to us? - It's because our ratings are low.

- I have a migraine. - Hey, Mickey! Listen.

You better go to Ronny's dressing room. He took about 1600 Quaaludes.

- I don't think he can do the show. - Why me, Lord?

You Standards & Practices? Why, all of a sudden, is the sketch dirty?

Child molestation is a touchy subject...

- Half the country's doing it! - Yes, but you name names.

- We don't. We say "The Pope". - That sketch cannot go on the air.

Hey! Who changed my sketch about the PLO?

I had to make cuts. It's four lousy lines.

- The whole premise is ruined! - It's not so delicate.

- Everybody's married to every line. - I don't care! Don't tamper with my work.

- OK... - You want 'em cut? I'll cut 'em myself.

Mickey, listen. Instead of the child molestation sketch, why don't we repeat

the Cardinal Spellman-Ronald Reagan homosexual dance number?

- I don't feel good, Mickey. - What did you do? Swallow a drugstore?

- I lost my voice. - Oh, Jesus!

Ronny, you know, you do have to go on in 25 minutes.

Does anybody got a Tagamet? My ulcer's starting to kill me.

You want a Quaalude?

(Mickey) Christ! This show is ruining my health.

Meanwhile, my ex-partner moves out to California

and every stupid show he produces turns out to be a big hit.

Brother, what am I gonna do with my life?

Speaking of that, I gotta remember to see my ex-wife tomorrow.'

- Hi. - I know, I know.

- Glad you could put in an appearance. - I got two minutes. The show's killing me.

I got a million appointments today. It just fell this way.

- I gotta see new comedians... - Just two minutes on your sons' birthday.

- It's not gonna kill you. - Happy birthday, fellas!

Daddy brought presents!

Hey, a little hug? What is this? How about a little action from the kids?

- How is everything? - Everything's good, everything's fine.

OK, you can open the presents now. I wanna get a little reaction.

- How's Elliot? - He's fine.

I'm trying to convince him to produce a play. I think he'll find that satisfying.

I like him. I think he's a sweet guy, the few times that I've met him.

Cos he's a loser. He's awkward and he's clumsy, like me.

- I like an underconfident person. - This is really nice.

- He's been wanting a mitt. - You have good taste in husbands.

Thanks. That's a beauty!

Isn't that great? Come on, let's go!

Go out by the Sung vase and catch this. See?

- Watch the... - (Crash)

(Mickey) Hannah's sweet,

although sometimes I still do get angry when I think of things.

What the hell. At least I'm not paying child support.

God, I hope there's nothing physically wrong with me.'

- So what's the problem this time? - I really think I have something.

I'm absolutely convinced, not like that adenoidal thing,

where I didn't realise I'd had them out when I was younger.

I saw your father this week about his sinus and he complained of chest pains.

Well, this guy's the real hypochondriac of the family. He's, you know...

- You said you'd had some dizziness. - Yes, a little.

And I think I'm developing a hearing loss in my right ear.

Or my left ear. No, I'm sorry... My right or my left ear. I can't remember.

OK, let's take a look.

Well, you have had a significant drop in the high-decibel range in your right ear.

Really?

Have you been exposed to a loud noise recently, or had a virus?

No, I've been perfectly healthy. You know me. I always imagine that I have things.

- When did you first notice this? - About a month ago. What do I have?

You've had some dizzy spells. What about ringing or buzzing?

Yes, now that you mention it,

I have buzzing and also ringing.

Ringing and buzzing. Am I going deaf?

- It's just in one ear? - Yes.

Is it healthier to have problems in both ears?

I'd like to make an appointment for you at the hospital.

- I'd like to have them run some tests. - The hospital? What kind of tests?

Now, don't get alarmed.

These are more sophisticated audiometry tests than I can run here. It's nothing.

Then why do I have to go into the hospital at all?

I hear fine. So I'm a little weak on the high decibels. I won't go to the opera.

There's no reason for panic. I just wanna rule out some things.

- Like what? - It's nothing. Will you trust me?

Hello, Dr Wilkes? This is Mickey Sachs. I wanna ask you a question.

Sure, Mickey. What's up?

If you have a hearing loss in one ear,

and it's not from a virus or a loud noise or anything, what are the possibilities?

Anything. Often it's hereditary. Flu. Even a small noise'll do it.

Right, but nothing worse?

Well, yes, I guess the dark side of the spectrum is a brain tumour.

Really?

- OK, so here's the new pages. - Did Cards get these?

- Not yet, no. - Let's hope it's good.

Yeah, really, really. We'll be down in a minute, OK?

- (Phone ringing) - Mickey, what's the matter with you?

I feel dizzy, you know. I don't feel well.

Do you hear a ringing? ls there a ringing sound?

Yeah, yeah. I hear it, I hear it.

- No, not that. - Hello?

Yeah, we're gonna be working late tonight.

No, we'll order out, it's all right.

If I have a brain tumour, what am I gonna do?

You don't have a brain tumour. He didn't say you had one.

No, they're not gonna tell you because sometimes the weaker ones will panic.

- But not you? - God!

- Can you hear buzzing? - Come on, we got a show to do.

- I can't keep my mind on the show. - But there's nothing wrong with you.

If there isn't, why does he want me to come back for tests?

- He has to rule out certain things. - Like what?

- I don't know. Cancer. - Don't say that. I don't wanna hear that.

- Don't mention it while I'm in the building. - You don't have any symptoms.

I got the classic symptoms of a brain tumour.

Two months ago, you thought you had a malignant melanoma.

Naturally. The sudden appearance of a black spot on my back!

- It was on your shirt. - Was I to know? Everyone was pointing.

- We've got to make booking decisions. - I can't think of it.

This morning I was so happy. Now I don't know what went wrong.

You were miserable this morning.

We got bad reviews, terrible ratings, the sponsors are furious...

No, I was happy, but I just didn't realise I was happy.

(Woman) These things are delicious! What in the world are they?

- Those are quail eggs. Aren't they good? - They're very good.

My friend April makes those. Try a shrimp puff.

- Oh, thank you. That looks good. - I make those.

Excuse me.

Oh, thank you.

- The stroganoff is ready. - We're a big hit!

In this we are. Yesterday I auditioned for "Come Back Little Sheba". Not such a hit.

You will be. You'll get five jobs next week.

- Excuse me. Are there any more clams? - Yeah, a few. Do you like 'em?

- I can't resist. - Really? How flattering.

- Did you try the shrimp puffs? - You are too attractive to be caterers.

- Something's wrong. - We're actresses.

- Is this your first job? - Really? ls the food that bad?

No, not at all.

We need more bread and béchamel sauce for the lasagne. Hi.

You're an actress with a great flair for shrimp puffs.

No, the shrimp puffs are Holly's. I do the crépes caviar.

- The quail is responsible for the eggs? - Let's hope so.

Here, I stole you a couple of extra clams.

Incidentally, I'm David Tolchin.

- April Knox. Hi. - You're Holly?

Yeah. We're the Stanislavski Catering Company.

Now I'll tell you the truth. I really came in because I was bored stiff by the party.

How are we more interesting?

Actually, I'm gonna listen to "Aida", if I'm not in your way.

(Both) No, not at all.

We saw Pavarotti in "Ernani" at the Met, and I cried.

I cry at the opera.

(April) I go limp in the last scene of "La Traviata".

Me too. I have a private box at the Met.

I bring a bottle of wine. I open it, I sit there, I watch and I cry. It's disgusting.

- What do you do? - I'm an architect.

- What kind of things do you build? - Are you really interested?

Yeah.

What time do you get off?

(Holly) The red one? (April) It's magnificent!

The design's deliberately noncontextual,

but I wanted to keep the atmosphere of the street

and the proportions and in the material.

- That's unpolished red granite. - Is that what it is?

- It has an organic quality about it. - Right.

Almost entirely, wholly interdependent, if you know what I mean.

I can't put it into words. The important thing is, it breathes.

You know, people pass by vital structures in this city all the time

and never appreciate them.

I get the feeling you tune into your environment.

Oh, it's really important.

- What are your favourite buildings? - Wanna see some?

- Yeah. - Well, let's do it.

(Holly) It's just so romantic, I just wanna put on a long gown

and open the French doors and go on the balcony.

(David) It's romantic. And it's got a handsome partner sitting beside it.

They fit right in together. And your eye goes along, lulled into complacency.

- Look at this. - (April) That's disgusting. A monstrosity.

(Holly) It's really terrible, and it ruins everything else.

(David) It does. (April) We have seen a lot of stuff today.

- Maybe we should go home. - Oh, jeez, yeah.

- Who gets dropped first? - Oh, gee, I don't know.

- Well, I live downtown. - Yeah, we both live downtown.

- It depends on what way you wanna go. - I know.

If we took Fifth, then we'd get to your house first.

- Yeah, but Fifth is so jammed, isn't it? - Well, sometimes.

- You live in Chelsea, don't you? - Yeah.

Well, I guess if you live in Chelsea, that's probably first.

- Oh, OK. - And then April.

Great.

Naturally, I get taken home first. Obviously he prefers April.

Of course, I was so tongue-tied all night.

I can't believe I said that about the Guggenheim!

My stupid little roller-skating joke. I should never tell jokes.

Mom can tell 'em, and Hannah, but I kill 'em.

Where did April come up with that stuff about Adolph Loos and "organic form"?

Well, naturally, she went to Brandeis.

But I don't think she knows what she's talking about.

Could you believe the way she was calling him "David"?

"Yes, David." "I feel that way too, David." "What a marvellous space, David."

I hate April. She's pushy.

Now they'll dump me and she'll invite him up. I blew it.

And I really like him a lot.

Oh, screw it. I'm not gonna get all upset. I've got reading to do.

Maybe I'll get into bed early, turn on a movie and take an extra Seconal.'

- Oh, my goodness! - Oh, Elliot! What are you doing here?

- I'm looking for a book store. - In this section of town?

Well, yes, I'm killing time. I have a client near here and I'm quite early.

- How about you? - Well, I...

Oh, yes! You live near here, don't you?

- Where are you headed? - I was just going to my AA meeting.

Why do you still go to those? You never touch alcohol.

You didn't know me before Frederick.

I'd start with a beer about ten in the morning.

- You must've been very unhappy. - Yeah, unhappy and fat.

And I still find the meetings very comforting.

I'll never understand it. You're so bright and charming and beautiful...

I think to myself, "What problems could she possibly have?"

Don't let me get started on my childhood.

Oh, know what? There is a book store a couple of blocks from here.

If you don't know about it, you should. You'd love it.

Well, if you have some free time?

- Yeah, sure. - Thank you.

(Lee) Isn't this great? They have everything here.

- (Elliot) Yes, it's wonderful. - What book did you wanna buy?

- What? - You wanted to buy a book.

No, I'm killing time. I just want to browse.

You sure picked the right place, you can stay all afternoon,

not buy anything and just read.

Unless, if you have some time, we could get some coffee.

- No, I don't have time. - No, I understand completely.

No problem. You're busy. I...

- You seem tense. Everything all right? - No, no.

- No? - Uh, yes.

- Everything's OK? - Yeah.

- How are you? - I'm... all right.

- How's Frederick? - Fine.

We went to the Caravaggio exhibition at the Met.

It's such a treat to go through a museum with Frederick. You learn so much.

- Do you like Caravaggio? - Oh, yes. Who doesn't?

Look! E. E. Cummings.

I'd like to get you this.

- Oh, no. I can't let you get me that. - Yes, I'd like to, very much.

I read a poem of you and thought of his last week...

A poem of his and thought of you!

- You'll be fine, though. - This is great.

- I love E. E. Cummings, but... - Listen. I'd love to get you this.

- Are you sure? - Maybe we could discuss it sometime.

- Well, thanks a lot. - Thanks for showing me the book store.

Perhaps you could take me to an AA meeting sometime.

- I'd love to see what goes on. - Yeah, you'd love it.

It's really entertaining. I know you'd have a good time.

And don't forget the poem on page 112.

- It reminded me of you. - Really?

Page 112.

- Bye. - Bye.

(Lee) "Your slightest look easily will unclose me

"though I have closed myself as fingers

"you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens

"touching skilfully, mysteriously her first rose

"I do not know what it is about you that closes and opens

"only something in me understands

"the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses

"Nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands"

I wasn't too happy with the results of your ENG or your BSER, either,

which is why I sent you to Tomography, where you saw that stuff rolling around.

You see this little grey area here?

That grey area's what I had hoped that we wouldn't run into.

I'd like you to come in Monday morning for a CAT scan.

- A brain scan? - Mr Sachs, let's take one step at a time.

We won't make any decisions until we have all the information in front of us.

OK, take it easy.

He didn't say you had anything.

He just doesn't like the spot on your X-ray, that's all.

It doesn't mean you have anything. Don't jump to conclusions.

Nothing's gonna happen to you.

You're in the middle of New York City. This is your town.

You're surrounded by people and traffic and restaurants. God...

How can you just one day vanish?

Keep calm. You're gonna be OK.

Don't panic.

I'm dying! I'm dying!

I know it! There's a spot on my lungs!

All right, now take it easy. It's not on your lungs, it's on your ear.

It's the same thing, isn't it? Jesus, I can't sleep!

God, there's a tumour in my head the size of a basketball!

Now I keep thinking I can feel it every time I blink!

Oh, Jesus! He wants me to do a brain scan

to confirm what he already suspects.

Look, I'll make a deal with God.

Let it just be my ear, OK? I'll go deaf, and blind in one eye, maybe.

But I don't want a brain operation. Once they go into my skull,

I'll wind up like the guy with the wool cap who delivers for the florist.

Relax, will ya? Your whole life, you run to doctors, the news is always fine.

No, that's not true. What about years ago?'

I'm sorry to say, Mr Sachs, that you cannot have children.

Gee.

Is there no chance?

This doesn't mean that you can't have a normal sex life,

but Mr Sachs' tests indicate that he is infertile.

Small sperm volume and infertile.

Is there anything I can do? Push-ups? Hormones?

- I'm afraid not. - I gotta get a second opinion.

- This is the second opinion. - Well, a third opinion.

I realise this is a blow.

My experience is that many very fine marriages become unstable

and are destroyed by an inability to deal with this sort of problem.

I hope you won't make too much of it.

One can adopt children, and there are various artificial methods of fertilisation.

- I'm so humiliated. - Could you have ruined yourself?

- How could I ruin myself? - I don't know. Excessive masturbation?

Hey, you gonna start knockin' my hobbies? Jesus!

- Maybe we can adopt a child. - What about artificial insemination?

- What are you talkin' about? - I would get implanted.

- By a stranger? - They have banks where they're frozen.

- You want a defrosted kid? - I want to experience childbirth.

- With a stranger? - Just think about it, that's all I ask.

Oh, that was a wonderful show. That's the best show you two ever wrote.

The funniest show that Mickey and I ever did was the one we won the Emmy for.

I think as far as plain laughs go, that was probably the best thing that we ever did.

Yeah, it was funny, but the show about the two Frenchmen was funny and warm.

- We got that idea on that trip to Paris. - Remember that summer in France?

Hannah, you had jet lag for six straight weeks.

Yeah, but it was... I guess we had fun when we were there.

Sorry. Coffee?

Listen, you guys... Want some more?

We had something we really wanted to discuss with you.

Yeah. Jesus, this is very delicate.

And I only bring this up amongst friends.

This should not go any further than this room.

I'm all ears.

Hannah and I can't have any children.

Now, I don't wanna get into whose fault it is. It's my fault that we can't.

The details are too embarrassing to...

We've decided, after a lot of discussion, that we'd try with artificial insemination.

Yeah, I'm not so sure that I like that idea myself.

I didn't want to go to a sperm bank and have some anonymous donor.

I just wouldn't want that.

We felt, if we were gonna do it, we'd like somebody who we knew and liked,

and was warm and bright...

(Hannah) You can say no. Feel free to say no.

We realise it has all kinds of implications.

The point that we're making here is that we need some sperm.

Gee.

Well, my first reaction, after the initial shock, is flattered that you'd ask me.

I would be the father. You would just have to masturbate into a little cup.

- I can handle that. - Obviously we wouldn't have intercourse.

Gosh, listen. I've gotta tell you the truth. I'm a little uneasy about this.

- I know it's a lot to ask. - Well, I feel for you, I do. I...

I'm gonna cry. You want my husband to have a child with you?

Don't answer now. Just take it home and think about it for a while.

I gave blood before... and clothing to the poor.

OK, Norman, listen. I really wanna talk about this at home.

I think it's a matter for your analyst, and mine.

And maybe my lawyer.

We understand completely if you feel you'd rather not.

I didn't mean to spoil the evening. Let's move on to another topic.

(Mickey) So you had my ex-partner's baby. Twins.

And maybe that did cause some trouble, but I think we were drifting apart anyhow.

Now, instead of man and wife, we're just good friends.

Boy, love is really unpredictable.'

(♪ PUCCINI: "Sola, perduta, abbandonata")

Lee? Frederick? Say hello to Dusty Frye.

- Hi, Dusty. - Hi.

Dusty's just bought a huge house in Southampton and he's decorating it.

Yeah, it's kind of a weird place. A lot of wall space. How you doin', man?

I told him about your work and he's very excited.

I got an Andy Warhol, and I got a Frank Stella too.

It's very beautiful. Big, weird, you know?

If you stare at that Stella too long, the colours just seem to float. It's weird.

Are you excited about becoming a collector?

Yeah. I got a lot more to learn, though. I really wasn't into art when I was a kid.

Do you appreciate drawings?

Yeah.

Oh, hey, wow. She's beautiful.

But really I need somethin'... I'm lookin' for somethin' big.

- Frederick, show him the oils. - (Frederick) They're in the basement.

Frederick's done a new series that I'm sure you'd love.

- Are they big? - Yeah, some of them are.

Cos I got a lot of wall space there.

I don't sell my work by the yard.

Oh, Frederick!

- How's everything? - Oh, you know...

I talked to Hannah this morning on the phone.

She said you were going to the country for the weekend.

Yes, she loves to go out in the woods.

But I go nuts. It's a conflict.

- I have to get my teeth cleaned this week. - Oh, that's nice.

I figured I'd get Frederick and Dusty together.

- Yeah, that's really nice of you. - This kid, he's earned a trillion dollars.

- He's got six gold records. - Oh, speaking of records...

I bought that Mozart trio you recommended.

The man in the shop showed me another one I think you'd love.

It's another Bach, second movement.

You have that one? I'd love to hear it.

Oh, and Holly met a wonderful man who loves opera, an architect.

Well, that's nice. I'd love to see her wind up settled.

She's a tense one.

(♪ Harpsichord playing)

Isn't that beautiful?

I know this.

Bach, F Minor Concerto. It's one of my favourites.

Erm...

Did you ever get around to E. E. Cummings?

Yes, he's just adorable.

They have a very large gay clientele where I get my teeth cleaned.

All the hygienists now wear gloves because they're afraid of AIDS.

Oh, right.

Did you ever get around to the poem on page 112?

Yes, it made me cry, it was so beautiful, so romantic.

(Elliot) I want so badly to kiss her.

Not here, you idiot! You've got to get her alone some place.

But I've got to proceed cautiously. This is a very delicate situation.

OK, er...

Ask her if you can see her for lunch, or a drink tomorrow.

And be ready to make light of the offer if she's unresponsive.

This has to be clone very skilfully and very diplomatically.'

Did you ever read this one?

- Elliot, don't! - Lee, I'm in love with you!

- (Record jumps) - What are you doing?

I'm sorry. I have to talk to you. There's so much I want to tell you.

- I've been in love with you for so long... - (Frederick shouting)

Forget it! I'm not interested in selling it.

I only asked if you had something with a little puce in it!

(Lee) What's the problem?

I don't care about your interior decorator!

I can't commit to anything without consulting her first. That's why I have her.

This is degrading! You don't buy paintings to blend in with the sofa!

It's not a sofa. It's an ottoman!

God, forget it. Let's just get outta here, Elliot.

What a weirdo that guy is. Paranoid...

- What's the matter with you? - I'll be OK.

- No big deal, we just didn't hit it off. - No, you go on ahead.

- Are you OK? You're sweating. - Yeah, I just need some fresh air.

It's probably something I ate. I'll walk, you go ahead. Go on.

- (Phone rings) - Hello.

Hello?

Hello!

Oh, there you are! I was looking for you.

I must apologise. I'm sorry. I'm so mixed up.

How do you expect me to react?

I know, but I am in love with you.

- Oh, don't say those words! - I'm sorry. I know, it's terrible.

- You know the situation. - I know, I realise.

- What do you expect me to say? - Hannah and I are in the last stages.

She's never said so, and we're very close. She'd tell me.

It's so sad, she's crazy about me,

but somewhere along the line, I've fallen out of love with her.

- Not because of me, I hope? - Oh, no, no... Well, yes! I love you.

- I can't be the cause of anything... - No, it was inevitable that we part.

- Why? - For a million reasons.

- But not over me? - No, we're going in different directions.

- Poor Hannah. - But how about you?

Do you share any of my feelings, or is this an unpleasant embarrassment?

- I can't say anything. - Be candid. I don't want you to feel bad.

Yes, I have certain feelings for you, but don't make me say anything more.

OK, OK, you've said enough. It's my responsibility now. I'll work things out.

Don't do anything for me. I live with Frederick, and Hannah and I are close.

- Yes, but you do care about me? - Elliot, please, I can't be a party to this.

I'm suddenly wracked with guilt just talking to you.

Your guilt is because you feel the same.

Oh, please, I have to go. I have to get my teeth cleaned.

I have my answer. I have my answer.

I'm walking on air!

- Hi. How's she doing? - Am I glad to see you!

She's in the kitchen there. It's the same thing.

She promises, promises. And it's all lies, always.

Don't make it worse, Dad.

Hi, Mom. How are you doing?

I'll get you some coffee. That's enough of that. What triggered it?

We were making a commercial at the mayor's office.

There was this young good-looking salesman

and your mother was throwing herself at him in a disgusting way.

Then she found she was too old to seduce him,

that he was just embarrassed by her.

Liar! Liar!

At lunch, she got drunker and drunker, and finally she became Joan Collins!

All my life, I've had to put up with insults from this non-person!

This haircut that passes for a man!

He could never support us.

It's a good thing we had a talented daughter.

I can only hope that she was mine!

With you as her mother, her father could be anybody in Actors' Equity!

She's talented, so it's unlikely she's yours.

Dad, could you stay in the other room and let me take care of her?

You never know when she's gonna fall off the wagon and humiliate everybody.

Here, Mom. Drink this.

You know, you're awful. You probably were flirting.

No! I like to joke around and have fun,

and he gets angry because I get the attention.

He's gotten sourer as he's gotten older and I've tried to stay young... at heart.

You promised to stay on the wagon.

The sacrifices I've made because of that man...

He's ruined me with his ego, his philandering, his... mediocrity!

OK, stop being so dramatic.

He's the one that's laid every ingenue in stock!

OK, OK.

- They wanted me for a screen test. - I know.

But I knew that he'd get up there and flounder around

with his expensive haircuts and hairdos and clothes.

He's all show.

Now, how can you act when there's nothing inside to come out?

(♪ Father plays piano)

(Hannah) She was so beautiful at one time, and he was so dashing.

Both of them just full of promise and hopes that never materialised.

Then the fights and the constant infidelities to prove themselves

and blaming each other. It's so sad.

They loved the idea of having us kids, but raising us didn't interest them much.

But it's impossible to hold it against them. They didn't know anything else.'

You know, of all of us in the family,

you were the one blessed with the true gift.

My true gift is luck, Mom. I just had a lot of luck, from my first show.

I thought Lee was the one destined for great things.

Yes, she's lovely, but she doesn't have your spark. She knows it.

She worships you. She wouldn't dare get up there on stage.

- Now, Holly's not shy. - Holly's game for anything.

- Holly takes after me. - True.

I'd have been a great dope addict.

Remember this, Hannah?

Mr Sachs, I'm afraid the news is not good.

If I can show you exactly where the tumour is,

and why we feel that surgery would be of no use...

(Mickey) 'It's over.

I'm face to face with eternity.

Not later, but now.

I'm so frightened, I can't move, speak or breathe.'

Well, you're just fine. There's absolutely nothing here at all.

And your tests are all fine.

I must admit, I was concerned, given your symptoms.

What caused this hearing loss we'll never know for sure,

but whatever it was, it's certainly not anything serious. I'm very relieved.

(♪ Lively jazz)

What do you mean, you're quitting? Why?

The news is good. You don't have canc... the thing.

Do you realise what a thread we're all hanging by?

Mickey, you're off the hook. You should be celebrating.

Can you understand how meaningless everything is?

I'm talking about our lives, the show, the whole world. It's meaningless.

- Yeah, but you're not dying. - No, I'm not dying now, but...

When I ran out of the hospital, I was so thrilled because I was gonna be OK.

I'm running down the street, and suddenly I stop. It hit me.

So I'm not gonna go today, I'm not gonna go tomorrow,

but eventually I'm gonna be in that position.

- You're just realising this now? - No, I've known it all the time.

But I stuck it in the back of my mind,

because it's a very horrible thing to think about.

- Can I tell you something? A secret? - Yeah. Yes, please.

A week ago, I bought a rifle. I went into a store and bought one.

If I had a tumour, I was gonna kill myself.

The only thing that might've stopped me is my parents would be devastated.

I would have to shoot them first.

And then my aunt and uncle... It would've been a bloodbath.

Well, you know, eventually it is going to happen to all of us.

But doesn't that ruin everything for you? It takes the pleasure out of everything.

You're gonna die, I'm gonna die, the audience, the network, the sponsor...

- I know, and your hamster. - Yes!

Listen, kid. I think you snapped your cap.

Maybe you need a few weeks in Bermuda or something, or go to a whorehouse.

I can't stay on this show. I need answers.

Otherwise, I'm telling you, I'm gonna do something drastic.

- I thought you weren't coming. - I almost didn't.

- I didn't sleep all night. - No, I'm sure.

What are we doing, meeting in a hotel room? It's terrible.

I couldn't think where to invite you without taking risks.

I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen till you were living alone.

I was so torn when you called.

I've wanted to call you every day since I first told you how I felt.

I resisted so many times.

Don't think badly of me.

This is not an easy situation.

I know it isn't.

(Lee) That was just perfect.

You've ruined me for anyone else.

(Elliot) I don't want anyone else ever to have you.

I was so worried I wouldn't compare with Hannah.

Oh, my God. You really do have those thoughts, don't you?

All the time.

I know she must be a really passionate person.

Yes, she's very warm and giving, but it's me that wants to be giving to you.

I wanna do things for you. Hannah doesn't need me as much.

Oh, I'm being presumptuous. Not that you need me...

I want you to take care of me.

And I love when you do things to me.

(Frederick) You're late.

Lucy and I kept talking and I didn't realise how late it had got.

You missed a very dull TV show about Auschwitz.

More gruesome film clips, and more puzzled intellectuals

declaring their mystification over the systematic murder of millions.

The reason why they can never answer the question "How could it happen?"

Is that it's the wrong question.

Given what people are, the question is "Why doesn't it happen more often?"

- Of course, it does, in subtler forms. - I have a headache from this weather.

It's been ages since I sat in front of the TV,

just changing channels to find something.

You see the whole culture.

Nazis, deodorant salesmen,

wrestlers, beauty contests, the talk show...

Can you imagine the level of a mind that watches wrestling?

But the worst are the fundamentalist preachers.

Third-rate con men telling the poor suckers that watch them

that they speak for Jesus.

And to please send in money. Money, money, money.

If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his name,

he'd never stop throwing up.

Oh, God, would you please lighten up?

I'm really not in the mood to hear a review of contemporary society again.

- You've been very nervous lately. - I can't take this anymore.

I'm trying to complete an education I started five years ago.

I'm not your pupil. I was, but I'm not.

When you leave the nest, I want you to be ready to face the real world.

We're going to have to make some changes.

- Like what? - You know what. I'm suffocating.

- Are we having this conversation again? - Yes, we're having it again.

- I have to leave. I have to move out. - Why?

- Because I have to. - What are you going to use for money?

I don't know. I thought maybe I'd move in with my parents for a while.

I always told you you would leave me. Does it have to be now?

Maybe it'll only be temporary, but I have to try.

Oh, Lee. You are my whole world.

Good God. Have you been kissed tonight?

- No. - Oh, yes, you have.

- You've been with someone! - Stop accusing me!

I'm too smart, Lee. You can't fool me!

- You're turning all red. - Leave me alone!

Christ, what's wrong with you?

- I'm sorry. - Couldn't you say something?

- You have to slither behind my back... - I'm saying it now!

So you met somebody else?

Yeah.

But you knew it was going to happen sooner or later. I can't live like this!

- Who is it? - What's the difference? Somebody I met.

- But who? Where did you meet him? - It doesn't matter. I have to move out.

You are my only connection to the world.

Oh, God, that's too much responsibility for me. It's not fair!

I want a less complicated life. I want a husband.

- Maybe even a child, before it's too late. - Jesus! Jesus!

Oh, God, I don't even know what I want.

What do you get out of me, anyway? I mean...

It's not sexual any more.

It's certainly not intellectual. You're so superior to me in every way...

Don't patronise me!

God, I should have married you years ago, when you wanted to.

- I should have agreed. - It never would've worked.

I told you one day you would leave me for a younger man. I...

What passion today with Lee! She's a volcano.

It was a totally fulfilling experience, just as I'd dreamed it would be.

That's what it was. It was like living out a dream. A great dream.

Now I feel very good and cosy being here next to Hannah.

There's something very lovely and real about Hannah.

She gives me a very deep feeling of being part of something.

She's a wonderful woman... and I betrayed her.

She came into my empty life and changed it,

and I paid her back by banging her sister in a hotel room.

God, I'm despicable! What a cruel and shallow thing to do.

I have to call her now and tell her what we did was crazy.

It can't happen again. I'm not that kind of man, and I value Hannah too much.

I love my wife. Now I betrayed her. Oh, God!'

- Where are you going? - I've, uh, got to get a phone number.

- I forgot to phone Mel Kaufman. - It's so late.

Yeah, I can't believe I forgot.

If he answers, I'll hang up.

I'll tell her we can't communicate until I terminate my marriage. It's immoral.

Then time will pass, I won't call, and she'll get the idea.

Gotta stop this before I get in too deep.

I'd rather hurt Lee a little than destroy Hannah.

It's 1:30. She can't have a conversation with me with him around.

I'm getting hysterical.

I'll call her first thing in the morning.

I'll call her at six.

Frederick goes jogging at six. I'll call her and nip it in the bud.

- (Phone rings) - Oh! I've got it! I've got it!

Hello?

Mel!

I would've hung up if you hadn't answered and I won't do this again,

but I just had to tell you... I feel very close to you tonight.

Very, very close. Good night.

(Mickey) Millions of books written on every conceivable subject

by all these great minds, and in the end none of them knows anything more

about the big questions of life than I do.

Jesus, I read Socrates, you know.

This guy used to knock off little Greek boys!

What the hell's he got to teach me?

And Nietzsche, with his theory of eternal recurrence.

He said that the life we live, we're gonna live over and over again

the exact same way for eternity.

Great. That means I'll have to sit through the "Ice Capades" again.

It's not worth it.

And Freud, another great pessimist.

I was in analysis for years. Nothing happened.

My poor analyst got so frustrated, the guy finally put in a salad bar.

Oh, look at all these people jogging,

trying to stave off the inevitable decay of the body.

Boy, it's so sad what people go through

with their stationary bike and their exercise.

Oh, look at this one. Poor thing. She has to tote all that fat around.

She should pull it on a dolly.

Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.

Jeez, I was in love with Hannah, but it didn't work out too well.

I even took her sister out. Remember that, years ago?

When Hannah and I got divorced and she fixed me up with her sister Holly?'

(♪ Pounding punk rock)

♪ I wanna be like you, Said I'm gonna fit into your group

♪ I don't wanna be different, Said I'm gonna be just like you

♪ Cos I'm gonna buy the records that they play on the radio

♪ I'm gonna dance at clubs, Gonna do just what I'm told

♪ And I'm bleedin', you know...

- Why are you making those faces? - I can't hear you. I can't hear anything.

- I'm gonna lose hearing in my ear. - Listen, you're witnessing genius.

My ears are experiencing a meltdown. I can't hear anything.

Can't you feel the energy, the tangible energy?

The room's alive with positive vibrations.

I'm frightened. After they sing, they're gonna take hostages.

Don't, no, please. No...

- You want some? Come on! - No, you've been doing that all night.

You're gonna burn a hole... You're gonna develop a third nostril.

- Don't, please. Can we go? - No!

I Cos I'm gonna buy the records that they play on the radio... I

I love songs about extra-terrestrial life. Don't you?

- Not if they're sung by extra-terrestrials. - I cannot communicate with you!

I never knew you were such a tight-ass.

Both your sisters have such good taste in music. Where did you go wrong?

Do you mind? I'm my own person.

- Can I take you to hear something nice? - Mickey, it's getting late.

- Come on, cos you're being angry. - I'm not angry!

You don't believe in ESP, you don't like rock music, you won't get high...

It's like I'm dating Cardinal Cooke!

(♪ COLE PORTER: "I'm In Love Again")

♪ Why am I

♪ Just as reckless as a child?

♪ Why am I

♪ Like a racehorse runnin' wild?

♪ Why am I

♪ In a state of ecstasy?

♪ The reason is cos something's happened to me

♪ I'm in love again

♪ And the spring is comin'

♪ I'm in love again

♪ Hear my heartstrings strummin'

♪ I'm in love again

♪ And the hymn they're hummin'

♪ Is those cuddle-up, huddle-up blues

♪ I'm in love again

♪ And I can't rise above it

♪ I'm in love again

♪ And I love, love, love it ♪

- Thanks for a swell time! - You didn't have to talk over him.

- I was so bored. - Tough. You don't deserve Cole Porter!

Stay with groups that look like they'll stab their mothers.

- At least I'm open to new concepts. - And you snort cocaine all the time.

Do you carry a kilo in your purse?

This crowd wouldn't know the difference. They're embalmed.

I'm glad Hannah got us together. She's got a great instinct for people!

- I'm sorry it didn't work out. - Yeah, me too.

- I've been a little depressed lately. - I had a great time tonight.

- It was like the Nuremberg trials. - I'll see myself home!

(Mickey) Yep, it was quite an evening.

Holly with her cocaine. Jesus!

She should've been wearing a gold shovel around her neck.

She was polymorphously insensitive, I think.

Too bad, too, cos I always had a little crush on her.'

(♪ McCARTHY & MONACO: "You Made Me Love You")

You just have to read the instructions.

You set one of these things and you can take pictures underwater.

When we get to the country, we'll try it in the lake.

- Can I try? - Yeah, OK.

Are you in a bad mood?

I don't know. I'm just antsy.

Yes, I know. The last few weeks you haven't been yourself.

And tonight at dinner you were kind of curt with me.

- Was I? - Yes, you were.

And when I brought up the idea of having a baby, you jumped down my throat.

- Well, I don't think it's a very good idea. - Why not?

Because it's the last thing in the world we need right now.

Why do you say that? ls there something wrong?

- I don't know. - Well, tell me. Should I be worried?

- Well, you got four children. - I want one with you.

Well... I think we should wait till things settle.

What does that mean?

We've been married four years. How settled can things get?

You have some very set plans on how your life should be structured.

A house, kids, certain school, a home in Connecticut...

It's all very... preconceived.

Yeah, but I... I thought you needed that.

When we met, you said your life was chaos.

I know, but there's gotta be some give and take.

Oh, listen. I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

- Are you angry with me? - No!

Do you feel, erm... Are you disenchanted with our marriage?

- I didn't say that. - Are you in love with someone else?

My God, what is this? The Gestapo? No!

- What are you not telling me? - What kind of interrogation...?

Suppose I said, "Yes, I am disenchanted, I am in love with someone else"?

- Are you? - No!

But you keep asking awful questions. It's like you want me to say yes!

What are you talking about? Of course not. I'd be destroyed.

(Elliot) For Christ's sake, stop torturing her.

Tell her you want out and get it over with.

You're in love with her sister. You didn't do it on purpose.

Be honest. It's always the best way.'

Can I help you?

If you're suffering over something, will you share it with me?

Hannah.

You know how much I love you.

I ought to have my head examined. I don't deserve you.

(Holly) I want to look good, but I don't want to feel overdressed.

- No, not at all. - Well, how about this?

I really like that. I think that's a pretty colour on you.

Ever think you'd be helping me buy something to wear to the opera?

I think it's great. I can't wait to meet him.

He's married and his wife's in and out of institutions. She's schizophrenic.

Sometimes she's terrific, and then she just breaks down.

He has a sweet daughter. When she goes to college, he's gonna split permanently.

He's paid his clues, but she helped put him through architectural school.

You found all this out on one date?

I figured he's dying to open up. It's so sad.

Now, what should I wear to my audition?

I've got a singing audition for a Broadway musical. Of course, I'll never get it.

- Singing? - Can you believe it?

- Really? - Well, I mean, why not, you know?

- What have I got to lose? - I know, I just... I didn't know you sang.

You think everybody in musicals sings so well?

No, no.

Just that... they sing.

Well, you know...

- I sing a little. I mean... - Oh, I know. No, I know.

Don't say that, cos confidence is not my strong point.

No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

I think I can fake my way through a song.

- Uh-huh? - Easily.

- Why? You don't think it's realistic? - No, I didn't... That's... No.

I just hate to see you put yourself in a position where you get hurt.

You know how you take every single rejection

as a confirmation that you have no talent or something.

- Yeah, well, maybe I'll get it. - I hope.

Boy, you really know how to cut me down.

What? No, don't be so sensitive. Can't I say anything?

Well, I sing! For Christ's sake, Hannah, you heard me sing!

OK! What happened?

We were having a really nice time, and suddenly everything went to bad feeling.

Nobody but you can do that to me. I don't know why.

Look, everything's going your way.

You're right. I'm happy!

Why must I let my insecurities spoil everything?

♪ (Holly) This year's fancies

♪ Are passing fancies

♪ But sighing sighs

♪ Holding hands

♪ This my heart

♪ Understands

♪ I'm old-fashioned

♪ And I don't mind it

♪ It's how I want to be

♪ As long as you'll agree

♪ To stay old-fashioned

♪ With me ♪

- Thank you very much. - Thank you.

- It was very nice. - Terrific.

April Knox?

♪ Someday

♪ When I'm awfully low

♪ When the world is cold

♪ I will get a glow

♪ Just thinking of you

♪ And the way you look tonight ♪

(Holly) You sounded great. You may be surprised.

(April) I'm glad we have a catering job this week. I'm real low on money.

Yeah, we have Mr Morris Levine's 80th birthday on Riverside Drive,

or Riverside Memorial Chapel, depending on his health.

Oh, listen. David called me up.

What?

David called me last night. He wants to take me to the opera.

- I didn't know what to say. - You're joking.

No, he called late last night.

I, uh... I'm very surprised.

He wanted to take me to see "Rigoletto".

- And you're going? - Well, I didn't know what to say.

First I said no, but then he pressed it.

He said he'd taken you once and he really wanted to invite me.

- But I'm seeing him. - I know, I said that.

But he said it was something he really felt like doing.

Gee, erm...

I don't know what to say.

It's just an evening at the opera. Did I do wrong in accepting?

Huh?

Why do you think that you would like to convert to Catholicism?

Well, because I've gotta have something to believe in, or life is meaningless.

I understand, but why did you make the decision to choose the Catholic faith?

First of all, because it's a very beautiful religion

and it's a strong religion, it's very well structured.

I mean the against-school-prayer, pro-abortion, anti-nuclear wing.

So at the moment you don't believe in God?

No, and I want to. I'm willing to do anything. I'll dye Easter eggs, if it works.

I need some evidence. I gotta have some proof.

If I can't believe in God, then I don't think life is worth living.

- It means making a very big leap. - Yes, well, can you help me?

Why? Oh, my God!

I don't understand. I thought you'd be happy.

- How can we be happy? - Cos I never thought of God in my life.

- Now I'm giving it serious thought. - Catholicism? Why not your own people?

Because I got off to a wrong foot with my own thing. I need a dramatic change.

- You're gonna believe in Jesus Christ? - I know it sounds funny, but I'll try.

- But why? We raised you as a Jew. - Just cos I was born that way...

- I'm old enough to make decisions. - But why Jesus Christ?

- Why shouldn't you become a Buddhist? - That's totally alien to me.

You're getting on in years. Aren't you afraid of dying?

- Why should I be afraid? - Cos you won't exist.

- So? - That thought doesn't terrify you?

Who thinks about such nonsense? When I'm dead, I'll be dead.

- But aren't you frightened? - Of what? I'll be unconscious.

I know, but never to exist again?

- How do you know? - It doesn't look promising.

Who knows what I'll be? I'll either be unconscious or I won't.

If not, I'll deal with it then. I'm not gonna worry now.

Mom, come out!

(Mother) Of course there's a God, you idiot! You don't believe in God?

If there's a God, why is there so much evil in the world?

On a simplistic level, why were there Nazis?

- Tell him, Max. - How the hell do I know?

I don't know how the can opener works!

(♪ Choir singing Latin hymn)

- Hi. - Hi. Where's Holly?

She's auditioning for a TV commercial. She said she'd be late.

- How's she doing? - When she's depressed, she's manic.

I think it was a good idea to invite her to lunch.

I hope you say it was your idea. Every time I try to help, she gets so defensive.

Oh, Hannah, she's just embarrassed in front of you, that's all.

- So how are you? - Me? I'm OK.

- Do you miss Frederick? - No.

Elliot and I can't think of someone nice for you to go out with...

How are you? Are you doing OK? How's Frederick? I mean, Elliot?

I guess he's fine. I don't know. He's been kinda moody lately, the last few months.

I don't know what's wrong. He's distant and difficult.

When I try to talk to him, he says everything's fine.

I just leap to the worst conclusion, that he's seeing someone else or...

Oh, no. Everyone thinks things like that.

Well, I just came from an audition which I did not get. So what's new?

- They said I was too offbeat-looking. - What the hell do they know?

- And guess who's there, auditioning. - April?

- Oh, gosh. - You got it. I was very polite.

I maintained my poise. I said hello.

I never trusted April. She has eyes in the back of her head.

She and the architect are now a very definite item, which I still cannot believe,

although it's put an end to the Stanislavski Catering Company.

I have to speak to you, and you're gonna get impatient,

but I have to borrow some more money.

- Well, that's fine... - What I've decided to do is some writing.

I've had it with acting. These meaningless auditions are cattle-calls.

I can't handle another rejection. You know, let's face it here.

I've gotta latch onto something in my life.

Something with a future. I'm not 16 anymore. It's just... crazy.

But I've got an idea for a story, more than one,

and I just need a few months, or a year, even.

I've picked up a lot about dramatic structure from acting class.

That's good. It just seems to me that... six months or a year,

if you spent it more productively...

- Like what? - Well, I don't know. Erm...

Didn't Mom mention there was something at the Museum of Broadcasting?

- That's clerical. - No, it was in the publicity department.

- That can lead to other things. - I knew you'd be discouraging!

I'm not. I'm trying to be helpful.

You don't just say one day "I'm finished as an actress. Now I'm a writer."

- You mean, not at my age. - Please, we came to have lunch.

Yeah, OK, right. Forget it. What's to eat?

I just want a salad. You really think I'm a loser, don't you?

- You're being ridiculous. - You are. Stop it.

- You treat me like a loser. - How?

You never have faith in my plans, you undercut my enthusiasm...

Not so, no. I think I've been very supportive.

I try to give you honest, constructive advice.

I'm always happy to help you financially.

I've gone out of my way to introduce you to interesting single men...

- They're all losers. - You're too demanding.

I could tell what you thought of me by the men you fixed me up with.

- That's not true! - Hannah, I know I'm mediocre.

Stop attacking Hannah? She's going through a rough time.

- Why are you so upset? - You've picked on her since she came in.

Leave her alone. I'm just suffocating.

What's the matter, Lee? Why are you so sensitive?

Listen. You wanna write, write. Let's just not talk about it anymore.

Take a year, take six months, whatever you want.

Who knows? Maybe you'll be sitting with a good play.

What's the matter with you? You look pale. Are you OK?

Yeah, you know, I'm just...

I've got dizzy all of a sudden and I have a headache. I think we need to eat.

(Elliot) I can't seem to take action. I'm like Hamlet, unable to kill his uncle.

I want Lee, but I can't harm Hannah.

And in no other area am I a procrastinator.

Meanwhile, Lee has no direction. She's taking courses at Columbia.

But just randomly.

I try not to call her, but then she calls me,

and then I call, and we try to resist meeting, but once in a while we meet.

Sometimes we argue because I can't break up my marriage.

Sometimes we wind up making love, and we both feel terrible.'

But it's my fault.

For all my education, accomplishments and so-called wisdom,

I can't fathom my own heart.

♪ Krishna, Krishna, Hare, Hare... ♪

What makes you interested in becoming a Hare Krishna?

I'm not saying I want to join, but I know you guys believe in reincarnation.

- What's your religion? - I was born Jewish.

Last winter, I tried to become a Catholic, and it didn't work for me.

I studied and I gave it everything,

but Catholicism for me was: Die now, pay later.

- I couldn't get with it, and I wanted to. - Are you afraid of dying?

Well, yeah, naturally. Aren't you?

Does reincarnation mean my soul would pass to another human being,

or would I come back as a moose or an aardvark or something?

Take our literature, read it over and think about it.

- OK. Thank you very much. - You're welcome. Hare Krishna.

(Mickey) Who are you kidding? You're gonna be a Krishna?

You're gonna shave your head and put on robes and dance around at airports?

You'll look like Jerry Lewis.

God, I'm so depressed.'

(Lee) The nights are really getting cooler.

Summer went so quickly. Soon it'll be fall.

My literature professor really likes me.

It was fun being out with him last night.

Funny, I feel like I'm betraying Elliot, but that's ridiculous.

Why shouldn't I see Doug? Elliot's not free.

Just go one step at a time.

Let's see what the next few months bring.'

Hannah? Hi!

Listen, you'll be happy to know that your money has not gone completely to waste.

No, I have an actual first rough draft of something I wrote.

Yeah, yeah.

I showed it to Lee and she gave me some good pointers.

Listen, I'm pretty near where you live. Could I just drop it off?

When you have some time, read it, and we'll talk at Thanksgiving.

OK? All right. Oh, wait, listen.

I think Lee met an interesting guy at Columbia. He sounds really nice.

Yeah, OK, all right. Well, we'll talk at Thanksgiving. Bye-bye.

Now, here's a song that Norma sang

on that trip we made up to the show in Buffalo.

And, oh, was she beautiful that night!

- Come on! - Oh, yes, you were, dear.

Don't you remember that night? She was so beautiful

that when men saw her walking along the street,

they'd drive their cars right up on the sidewalk.

- That right, honey? - A slight exaggeration.

But only slight.

(♪ Father plays piano)

You've been very cold to me tonight.

No.

Is something wrong?

Not here. There are too many people around.

Hey, Hannah?

I think Lee is really serious about her new boyfriend. He sounds really nice.

I'm so happy for her. I think she's in love.

- Hey, what's the matter? - I'm real upset about what you wrote.

- My script? - It's obviously based on Elliot and me.

- Oh, so loosely. - No, not loosely. Real specifically!

Is that how you see us?

Can I not accept gestures and feelings from people? Do I put people off?

- It's a made-up story. - No, it's real exact!

The situations, the dialogue, everything!

It's full of intimate details between Elliot and me,

which I don't see how you could even possibly know about!

A conversation we once had about adoption?

Lee mentioned that to me, so obviously you discussed it with her.

I took the essence and I blew it up into drama.

How could Lee know about these things? I don't tell her everything.

Wow. I guess I hit a nerve.

You make it sound like I have no needs. You think I'm too self-sufficient?

Hannah, that's not what I meant, you know?

Everybody relies on you for so much. You're so giving!

It's not a criticism. We love you, we're grateful.

You're grateful but you resent me.

Wow. I don't wanna have this conversation. I didn't do anything wrong.

You mentioned to me yourself you and Elliot were having problems.

Yeah, we're having problems, but they're my business,

which I don't see how you could know about in such detail!

How does Lee know about these things? How? They're private!

- Why don't you share them with us? - I don't want to bother everyone.

That's the point. I'd like to be bothered.

How could you know about these things? Has Elliot been talking to you?

No, he hasn't. If I offended you, I'm sorry.

(Lee) It's over, Elliot. I don't know how to be any clearer.

- I know I deserve it... - I'm just as much at fault.

- I have such feelings for you... - I've got to be honest with you.

I've met someone else.

- What do you mean? - I've met someone else.

- I told you I wouldn't wait for ever. - It hasn't been for ever.

It's been nearly a year and you're still married to my sister,

which I now realise is fine. You're much more in love with her than you know.

- But we made so many plans. - And in a way you led me on.

I truly believed you were unhappy with Hannah.

Otherwise I would never have been drawn in.

I was very weak. So were you. Now I've met someone...

- Dinner soon? - About 15 minutes.

- But you're in love overnight. - I care a great deal about him, yes.

- Lee... - It's over. Elliot, I mean it. It's over.

Sweetheart, I loved your script. I thought it was so clever.

You're my mother. Not everybody's gonna be such a sucker.

I particularly liked the character of the mother,

just a boozy old flirt with a filthy mouth.

- I'm so proud! - Oh, Mom, thanks.

Here's a toast to Thanksgiving, all right?

Are we supposed to have beer? Yeah, let me hear it!

How's that, Fletcher?

Doll, to Thanksgiving. Here's a little toast, doll. Come on, bottoms up!

Have you been talking to Holly or Lee about us, about our personal life?

(Elliot) Me? Of course not.

Holly wrote things about us that are so personal,

they can only have come from you.

I've got a headache and I don't like being accused!

I'm not accusing, I'm asking. Do you find me too giving, too competent?

- Too disgustingly perfect or something? - No.

What is it? What's come between us? How have I alienated you?

- Hannah, my head is throbbing. - You never wanna talk about it.

Every time I bring it up, you change the subject. What is it?

We're communicating less, you sleep with me less...

Hannah, I am very mixed up! Now, please!

Do you talk to Holly or Lee behind my back? Do you?

You must. They seem to know so much about us.

Maybe I've asked advice once or twice, or made a joke.

Do you talk to Holly, or Lee, or what? Do you phone them?

Leave me alone, can you?

Jesus, I've told you. I need someone I can matter to!

You matter to me, completely.

It's hard to be around someone who gives so much and needs so little in return.

I have enormous needs.

Well, I can't see them, and neither can Lee or Holly!

(Hannah) It's so pitch black tonight.

I feel lost.

(Elliot) You're not lost.

I love you so much.

I dunno if you remember me, but we had the worst night of my life together.

- I remember you. - Yes, you do recall?

I was walking past and I just saw you and I thought I'd come in.

- We didn't hit it off. - We did all but exchange gunshots.

- How are you? - Good. You look wonderful.

- Oh, no. - Yeah? No, you do.

It was a terrible evening. Remember slamming the cab door in my face?

You came dangerously close to emasculating my nose

in a really horrible way.

That was a long time ago.

- People change. - I hope you've changed.

- I hope you have too. - I hope so, for your sake.

Your personality left something to be desired, namely a personality.

So how are you? What are you doing?

Oh, nothing much. Just some stuff. Little of this, little of that.

Was that an embarrassing question? Are you out of work or something?

- No, well, I've been trying to write. - Have you? That's interesting.

- What kind of stuff? - Oh...

- You're not interested in this. - No, you can tell me. I am.

Millions must say to you, "I have something I just wrote."

- Nobody ever said it. This is it. - Really?

- Would you be willing to read something? - Yes, if it would mean anything to you.

I don't know why it would. You've always hated my taste in the past.

- No, I haven't! - You have.

I think it might make a great television script, and you're so active in television.

Not anymore. I haven't been in television for a year.

No, I may have to get back into it

cos my accountant says that I'm running out of dollars.

But no, I sort of dropped out for a year, which is a long, dull story.

- You're OK, though? - Yes, I'm fine. How are you?

- I'm fine. - What about your script?

I'd love it if you'd read it cos I really would value your opinion.

But you have to remember while you're reading and you're cursing my name,

that this is my first script. Well, it's not my first.

That was about Hannah and her husband, but Hannah read it.

She got really angry and then I felt badly.

- I can't imagine what you wrote. - It wasn't anything bad, but she just...

So I threw it out, but I have this other one.

Well, you know, if you want me to, I would read it.

I don't know... Could I come over tomorrow and read it to you?

Come over tomorrow and read it to me? You must be joking!

I've been doing all my own reading since I was 40.

I think it's lucky I ran into you. Maybe.

What about me? I should've kept going.

I have a nagging sensation that I should've kept walking

and not begun this conversation.

(Holly) "We all go through life playing the hand we're dealt."

"Craig: And what hand were you dealt?"

"Emily: I'm two high pair, maybe even aces up."

"The problem is, you've got three deuces."

That's the end.

No, you can tell me straight. It's OK. Just tell me what you think.

It's great.

I'm... speechless.

I was not in the mood to listen to this thing now.

I don't know what to say. I'm moved and I laughed and I...

I was on the edge of my seat. I just think it's wonderful.

I'm totally stunned. This is not an insult.

I'm amazed that you can... I just thought it was great.

- Really? - Yes. I was absolutely...

What made you think of that climax scene,

where the architect is walking home with his actress girlfriend

and the schizophrenic ex-wife jumps out and stabs him to death?

- It just came to me one day. - It was just fabulous.

Gosh, you really think I can write?

There's one or two things I would do differently myself,

but who cares? It was fabulous.

I mean it. I'm so impressed! I am. You've made my day.

It was just great. I was all set to be bored stiff.

- Would you like to have lunch? - I would love to talk about the script.

- I think we could do something with it. - OK.

And I'd like to hear what made you suddenly decide to drop out of life.

- Who cares? - No, I care.

You used to be so ambitious and...

God, you really liked it?

(♪ Jazz music over dialogue)

Gosh, you really went through a crisis, you know that? How did you get over it?

When I ran into you, you seemed just perfectly fine. You seem fine now.

Well, I'll tell you. One clay, about a month ago, I really hit bottom.

I just felt that in a Godless universe, I didn't want to go on living.

Now, I happen to own this rifle, which I loaded and pressed to my forehead.

And I remember thinking, "I'm gonna kill myself."

Then I thought, "What if I'm wrong?

"What if there is a God?" After all, nobody really knows that.

But then I thought, "No, 'maybe' is not good enough.

"I want certainty or nothing."

And I remember very clearly the clock was ticking,

and I was sitting there, frozen, with the gun to my head,

debating whether to shoot.'

(Gunshot)

All of a sudden, the gun went off.

I'd been so tense, my finger had squeezed the trigger inadvertently.

But I was perspiring so much, the gun had slid off my forehead and missed me.

- (Gunshot) - Neighbours were pounding on the door

and, I don't know, the whole scene was just pandemonium.

And I ran to the door, I didn't know what to say. I was embarrassed and confused.

My mind was racing a mile a minute, and I just knew one thing.

I had to get out of that house,

I just had to get out in the fresh air and clear my head.

And I remember very clearly I walked the streets.

I didn't know what was going through my mind.

It all seemed so violent and unreal to me.

And I wandered for a long time on the Upper West Side.

It must've been hours. My feet hurt and my head was pounding. I had to sit down.

I went into a movie house. I didn't know what was playing.

I just needed a moment to gather my thoughts and be logical

and put the world back into rational perspective...

And I went upstairs to the balcony and I sat down.

And the movie was a film that I'd seen many times in my life since I was a kid,

and I always loved it.

And I'm watching these people up on the screen

and I started getting hooked on the film.

And I started to feel, "How can you even think of killing yourself?

"Isn't that stupid?

"Look at all the people up there on the screen.

"They're real funny, and what if the worst is true?

"What if there's no God and you only go around once and that's it?

"Don't you want to be part of the experience?

"What the hell? It's not all a drag."

I'm thinking to myself, "Jeez, I should stop ruining my life,

"searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts."

And after, who knows? Maybe there is something. Nobody really knows.

I know 'maybe' is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on,

but it's the best we have.

And then I started to sit back and I actually began to enjoy myself.'

♪ Oh, Freedonia, Oh, don't you cry for me

♪ Cos I'm coming round the mountain ♪

Erm... Look, there's something that's been bothering me for a long time.

I just thought I'd tell you what it was and just sort of clear the deck here.

I've always regretted the way I behaved that evening we went out.

- I just thought I'd tell you that... - Don't be silly. Don't be ridiculous.

I was the... You know, it was my fault.

So you wanna go out to dinner again? Do you have any interest in that?

- Sure. - Are you free this evening?

Yeah, yeah.

I want ice! Who's got some?

Oh, there it is.

Hey, where's Holly? She's late.

Did you read that last thing Holly wrote? She's really developed.

She really writes good dialogue.

Hannah, can I tell everybody you're going to play Desdemona?

- Mom, it's only television. - But it's public television.

To me, Shakespeare doesn't get any greater than "Othello".

- You with some big, black stud. I love it! - Oh, honey!

(Elliot) Oh, Lee. You are something.

You look very beautiful.

Marriage agrees with you.

Everything that happened between us seems more and more hazy.

I acted like such a fool. I don't know what came over me.

The complete conviction that I couldn't live without you.

What I put us both through!

And Hannah, who, as you once said, I love much more than I realised.'

Hi! Happy Thanksgiving!

- Hi, Daisy. I didn't miss dinner, did I? - No.

Hi, Marge. Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving, Amy.

(♪ ROGERS & HART: "isn't It Romantic")

It's beautiful.

- Don't be nervous. It's your husband. - Hi.

- Hi. How are you doing? - OK.

- When did you get here? - Just a few minutes ago.

- You look so beautiful. - Thanks.

I was talking to your father before. I was telling him that it's ironic.

I used to always have Thanksgiving with Hannah.

I never thought that I could love anybody else.

And here it is, years later, and I'm married to you

and completely in love with you.

The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle.

It'd make a great story, I think.

A guy marries one sister and it doesn't work out.

Then, years later, he winds up married to the other sister.

How you're gonna top that?

- Mickey? - What?

I'm pregnant.