Original subtitles

Thank you, bladder, for allowing me to sleep through the night.

Thank you, tea prison, for making me more beautiful while I slept.

Glasses, thanks for nothing.

You have reached your goal of $80 ,000.

Woo -hoo!

Go, Jan!

Good, you're here.

I have news.

After weeks of hovering around $3 ,000, suddenly, overnight, I reached my

crowdfunding goal of $80 ,000. Big one!

That's awesome!

But I'm not surprised.

Oh, why not? I felt Mercury shift out of retrograde last night. All of your

pathways suddenly became wide open.

Oh, if that were true, why didn't I wet the bed?

So, who made the generous donation?

Holy crap, I didn't even look.

Let's see where this wackado came from, shall we?

Who is obsessed with me?

Hmm. They want to remain anonymous.

Wow. That's incredible.

What kind of psychopath doesn't want to take credit or have all the attention?

A true philanthropist and benefactor?

No, I don't know a filler at Ben.

Figuring out who donated this money is going to become my entire life's focus.

Do you think that maybe you should just... Be grateful and let it lie?

Trey, Trey, Trey. You have zero idea how people operate. This person is

literally begging to be uncovered.

It's like if I said, oh, no, I don't want another piece of pie. I don't want

second piece of pie. I would be lying.

Do you feel me?

Whoever you are, wherever you are, I am going to find you and you will be

anonymous no more.

Hey girls, listen to me.

Eyes. Eyes, eyes, eyes.

Today we have to run drills to work on your edges.

So boring.

Anything but edges.

Well, I wish I could help you out, but Lightning, your turning radius is wider

than the Titanic.

So how about we just do what I say?

Fine. Okay, also and more importantly, eyes.

Annie J's boyfriend's coming to practice today.

Do you remember Nate?

Uh -huh. Is he an adult or is he like a teenager?

Well, he's in his 30s, but...

Yeah, I can see why that's confusing.

He's scared of kids.

He doesn't have kids. I don't think he's scared of kids.

Turns out, Nate landed a huge audition for the next Duke Reynolds blockbuster

film in which he plays a hot hockey daddy. Saves the world.

And Nate needs me to show him what a true

hockey hero looks like.

That's pretty cool, right?

Are you going to be in the movie?

No.

Can I get a phone?

Why is the list of suspects slash people that care about me so short?

I have a few ideas.

I think Todd gave me the money. The man drives a 98 Camry. No way he found $80

,000 worth of loose change between the seats.

I'm just going to call him and find out. I'll make you a deal.

If it's Todd who made the donation, I'll start using cutlery again.

Well, get ready to stick a fork in it.

Can I get this one lined with marigold silk?

Jan. Hey, mister.

Hey. I owe you a big old thank you.

As a matter of fact, I owe you 80 ,000 thank yous. 90 ,000.

80 ,000 thank yous. I don't think I have time for that.

I'll make it quick. I just wanted to tell you how very appreciative I am of

very generous donation.

Of course.

I support my number one. Can't wait to hear the new music, Jen.

80 ,000 is a lot.

I agree.

Even you'll have trouble writing 80 ,000 songs, right?

You're both so stupid, it's amazing.

Honestly, Jen, there's no need to thank me. My one -time donation of $75 was the

least I could do.

75 bucks, that's it?

Thanks for nothing, Todd.

I win.

Oh, my God.

Max and Dave are next on my list. I'm just going to cross them off to those

cheap, selfish bastards. I mean, there's no way.

Agreed.

Cynthia, I know it's a long shot, but maybe she felt like she needed to pay me

back for the engagement ring or the hot air balloon ride, or maybe she still has

feelings for me.

How do you get it so wrong so often?

Okay, girls, I know this is just a practice, but give it your all. 110 %

nothing less.

And don't make me look like an idiot. That's not fun for Coach Dave. My kid

better get more ice time next game, Coach Dave.

He's the only one with talent.

Oh, is that why she's so often sitting behind the net crying?

Don't you worry, Smiley. I got your back.

When your blades hit the ice, you are warriors.

Remember my checklist.

Fork check, back check, paycheck.

Now get out there and show me what you got.

Dave.

Dave.

Friends, so great to see you.

I'm really excited for today.

Yeah, today's the day you're doing that, what do you call it, shadowing. Is it

shadowing? Yeah, buddy, going full method for this audition.

I'm so pumped to immerse myself in the basic and boring world of band and

hockey.

Cool, cool. Well, consider me your how to be a hero case study. Oh, that's

Okay, because as I was saying, and I was saying to myself, no, Dave, that's too

corny. You're good, dude. I mean, I can show you that anyone can be a dad, but

it takes an absolute legend to coach kids for no pay and or respect

every free weekend of your adult life. I got to be honest, man.

Kids freak me out. They're so unpredictable.

I don't like the way they move.

Sometimes they're like...

Drunk pandas doing parkour. Other times they sneak up on you like ninjas.

They're blunt, emotional, truth -sewing tornadoes. Oh!

Hey, smiley.

You want to go sit in the penalty box?

Chill out for a bit?

Oh.

Well, it's good having you here, man.

Thanks for everything, buddy.

All right. Less hugging, more coaching.

Good. All right.

Good hustle!

If this goes sideways, you're going to have to buy me a comb.

If this goes really sideways, I'll be arrested for stalking. We are not

stalkers. I am clearly dressed like a sexy undercover cop.

To me, this reads as birdwatching. Whatever.

So which house is Cynthia's? That stupid one right there. Why exactly is it

stupid? Holy crap, what is with all these questions?

Because I thought we were detectives. Keep your voice down. She could hear

Okay, recline your seat.

We need to be kind of hiding in plain sight.

Like the great gray owl.

Why don't you just call Cynthia and ask her if she's the one who gave you the

money? Because I just don't really care that much.

You do know that you actively make your life more difficult for yourself, right?

I will make your life more difficult for yourself.

There she is.

That's her? Yes.

Wow, she's way hotter than I thought she'd be. Oh, please. Anyone can look

when they're dragging garbage.

It looks like she's leaving.

Pretend you're bird watching.

We have no choice.

We have to go through the trash.

That's how they found the Golden State Killer.

Isn't that all her real hair?

She's way hot, like extremely put together.

Cover me. I'm going in.

Wait, where are you going? This seems poorly planned.

Oh, she's really doing it.

Is that how she runs? Look at me, Trey. I'm graceful, even in heels. I'm a sexy,

sneaky spy.

And it's open.

Okie dokie.

Oh,

God, gross.

No, no, don't.

Ew. I forgot I'm talking about these stupid, sexy boobs.

Okay, okay.

Got it, got it, got it. Oh, God, my fibula.

This woman's seriously stealing trash?

All good.

All good.

Some compostable items broke my ball.

Chip. Shh.

Dan, I didn't get back in the car.

Come on, come on.

Stop using my real name.

Let's go. Run, run, run, run, run.

We did it.

We're the best at stealing.

Don't be weirded out.

Sometimes a detective has to get their hands dirty.

They're supposed to have a bit of a weak stomach.

I am so over your nonsense.

We need to see if we can find...

Bank statements. Something that shows she has transferred $80 ,000.

Don't most people bank online now?

What is with people's obsession with the convenience of online banking?

That's sushi.

Oh, way to go, Columbo.

Who?

I won this for Cynthia.

At the fall festival.

Playing games.

This cost me $187.

The sloth.

Oh.

This is hurtful.

It's her romantic keychain.

She threw it away.

I knew it.

You know what that is?

It's a frickin' library book. A library book that she has written all over.

There's highlighter.

She puts sticky notes in there. That is so disrespectful.

Are you looking for responses from me? Because sometimes I can't tell if you're

just talking to yourself.

What?

I am shook.

That was rude. I apologize.

This has shooken me. Same.

Originally, I thought Cynthia was super beautiful, but she doesn't even recycle.

Her things are very ugly.

Trey, you are focusing on the wrong thing.

Look at what I'm holding in my hands.

Is Cynthia pregnant?

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, apparently Cynthia isn't thinking about my crowdfunding at all.

She's too busy boinking some dude.

You yourself have a boyfriend.

What's the point, Trey? I can't believe she's really trying to have a baby.

Now what?

Ooh, a Jan Arden Google alert.

I love getting these things. It reminds me that I'm famous.

Last time I got an alert, I made it onto a best dress list, and then they

printed a retraction, so I got two.

Jan Arden Google Alerts in one week. Here, you read it to me. It just kind of

makes it more special.

Former music executive of Jan Arden, dead at 68.

Frank! I know. Looks like this is his obituary and the funeral details.

Oh, my God. I just saw him. He was totally alive.

Yeah, that's the thing about death.

The money must have come from him.

I bet his dying wish was to make sure that I recorded my album. He did love

I've never been a big fan of yours.

We gotta go. Throw your cone in there. Why? I'm not the one driving. If I can't

have one, you can't have one.

And put your seatbelt on.

I don't want you dying on the way to a funeral.

Okay, girls, I don't know if I say this often enough, but every single one of

you is family to me.

My dad left to start a new family with his girlfriend.

You all inspire me to be the best coach that I can be.

And as I always say, sharp blade.

Best effort. Try not to lose.

Sure, Coach. You've lost every single game, Coach Dave.

Come on, Coach. Let's go.

Okay, serpentine drill.

Beautiful, Dave.

We're a regular average guy. They just hit different, you know? I guess.

So, this posture, how do you do it? What do you mean?

The way you stand.

It conveys this I give up vibe, and I love it.

I can't be sure, but it's most likely the mild scoliosis.

You're a giant among men, Dave, even with the sideways curvature of your

Can I get a picture of you, Dave? Yeah, man, of course.

Awesome, thanks.

Oh, wait, no, what are you doing?

If I get the part, I'm going to tell hair and makeup to recreate that

widow thing.

Oh. Oh.

Well, actually, yes.

I'd need to gain like 40 pounds for this movie and it's almost impossible to

turn off my fire metabolism.

That's just so annoying to hear.

Try living it.

It's a nightmare.

My father was a difficult man to love.

My sisters and I didn't see him much because he was always working.

In fact, he died at his death.

Sadly. Wasn't found for three days.

Despite it being an open concept office.

Our father never took a day off.

And yet he died practically penniless. Left us with nothing but his work ethic.

Which is cool, but we would have preferred an inheritance.

Maybe his kids would take... Stop. Because our not -for -profit sanctuary

abandoned animals in desperate need of a new fence.

Like all the animals, they just keep... They keep walking away.

Money for a new fence is what has saved so many.

Okay.

Thank you, son.

Is there anyone else who would like to share a fond memory of the dispute? Me!

Yes, please.

Come on up.

I am so sorry. So sorry.

I hope you get that fence. I have some experience with barbed wire, and it is

very good at keeping animals in.

Ow! Ow!

I'm just going to grab this here very quickly.

Hello, everyone. Such a somber occasion.

I'm Jan Arden, as you probably already know. I agree with you.

Frank was a bit of a workaholic.

I also found him just incredibly generous, especially in his final days.

Just show of hands if anybody here knows just what I'm talking about

here.

Very generous. Any show of hands, did anybody here get any money? Just put

hands up in the air if anyone here got any money.

No? Okay.

Nobody. Well, he gave me $80 ,000 before he kicked the bucket, but he liked me

so. What?

You heard what I said.

It's insane.

Listen, as executor of Frank's will, I can assure you that he absolutely did

give this woman.

$80 ,000.

This woman is Jan Arden, singer -songwriter. Once again, show of hands,

anybody here that gave me $80 ,000? I know it's a long shot, but, you know,

since I have the stage, I thought that I would just ask the question because

there is somebody in my life that loves me and I cannot figure out who or is it

whom? I'm going to politely ask you to please...

Go with God.

Fine. This place is dead anyway.

Amazing grace. Go!

Can you believe that?

Hey.

You're bringing garbage back into the house?

I had a really rough day.

Oh, what happened?

Cindy is definitely over me. Oh, yeah.

Also,

Frank, my best friend in the entire world dropped dead. Who?

Frank? The music guy. Frank.

Plus, I have no idea who gave me the 80 ,000 bucks for my campaign.

Well, not with me. What?

Cool if I do a few laps before we leave, Dave. I really

want to get a feel for the sport. Yeah, you bet. I get a real good feel.

Thanks.

Whoopsie. You okay?

I'm good.

I'm good. It's just slippery out here.

I'm just gonna get on out of here.

What is he doing?

This guy's pathetic.

Oh!

Leave him alone, girl. He's doing his best.

Oh. Oh. The moneymaker. She came low.

They weren't ready. You didn't want them.

What would you grant them?

I guess I'm a bit rusty. I feel like I kind of made a fool of myself back

Nah, no one even saw that.

Everyone saw it. It was humiliating.

Is he trying to be cool like you?

Yes, he is.

Well, it isn't working.

Bye! See you, Smiley.

What do you mean that was you?

I want you to make this album. I gave you $80 ,000 from my savings.

I am gobsmacked.

Honestly, I did not expect this.

I don't know what to say. Come with me.

Okay, easy.

Oh, you know, I bruise easily.

Yeah, well, maybe the vegan needs more iron. Okay, that is a common

misconception.

At support group, they recommend not mentioning certain things in front of

There's nothing to discuss.

I'm not going to keep that money.

I mean, I may have gotten carried away today, but there is no way.

I'm going to keep 80 grand of mom's savings.

Thank God.

Okay. I was gearing up for a huge fight.

Yeah, well, you are so immature.

You are such a drama queen. You are addicted to conflict. Does it not worry

that mom is giving away her whole life savings without discussing it with us?

Of course, and as much as I'd like to argue with you, there is no better

investment than my music.

But I do hear a lot of alarm bells going off.

I can hear them.

That's your phone.

Oh.

Oh.

Cynthia's calling. Anything you want to tell me? No.

I've got to take this.

Hello, Jan speaking.

Who may I ask is calling? Don't be ridiculous.

May I inquire as to the nature of your call? Did you come to my house today?

Wow. No, I did not come by your house today.

God, get over yourself, Jen. Well, that's interesting because I'm currently

watching footage of you from my security camera.

Your, uh, footage.

What now?

Footage of you upside down in my garbage can.

No,

that wasn't me.

Jen, Jen, shh. Jen, already get back in the car. Nope, I did not drop by your

place today, but I'm sure whoever it was is probably wondering why you needed a

pregnancy test.

your business.

But I've decided that I can no longer wait for the perfect time.

So I'm going to try to have a baby on my own.

Happy? Oh, I'm really happy.

Me too.

Okay, well, I'm just going to go have a shower now. It's not because I'm covered

in garbage. It's because it's my favorite place to cry.

I won this for Cynthia at the fair.

I knew it!

Oh, too big.

Action.

I knew it!

I do see Tom in the reflection.

No, well, then I've got to get out.

I don't think that door opened.

No.

Is it your hallway?

I am bigger than the sun Watch me running to the end of all time I'll be

Watch me breaking through the finish line Finish line

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