Original subtitles

Hey, yoo-hoo.

Here I am.

- What's this? - Oh.

Aha.

- Whoo. - Mm.

- Hey.

Whoa.

- What happened?

I'm gonna try something here.

Here we go.

Okay.

- Hey, hey.

- Oh, something wrong here. - Yeah, it's okay.

Hmm.

Oh, wait.

Here we go, huh?

Hey, hi.

- What are you guys looking at?

Whoa.

Get, get me out of here.

Ow.

Hmm, yeah.

Oh.

- Here, here, that's mine.

Hey.

- Hey. - Taxi.

Taxi.

Yeah.

Come on.

Aha.

- Jacques, Jacques, you are late.

- Ah, I'm late.

I have to mow Mrs. Oglethorpe's lawn.

Oh.

Stop that.

Stop that.

Stop that.

You moron.

There will be changes around here after today,

And I will personally see

That you will be the first one to go.

- Allow me.

- Wipe off- - Ow.

- Those filthy hands.

- Take this. - Oh, for me?

- Carry it to the house, you idiot.

- Oh, there you are, my dear. - Ah.

- Do come in, Edmund.

- Oh, my dear Lillian.

I'm so sorry I'm late,

But there's so much to do

In handling the Oglethorpe Enterprises

Now that dear Oscar has passed on.

- You're a good friend, Edmund,

And such a comfort in my time of need.

- I hope more than a friend, Lillian.

As the lawyer for the Oglethorpe family,

I have been entrusted with the last will and testament

Of Oscar Winterhaven Oglethorpe.

- Edmund, I beg your pardon.

- Yes, dear lady.

I must apologize,

But we really must wait for my personal solicitor,

Roland T. Flakfizer.

Jacques.

- Lillian, I've been employed

By your late husband for over 13 years.

Are you dismissing me?

- Good heavens no, Edmund.

I was involved in a minor accident

With the Bentley last year.

Miraculously, he was by my side to assist me.

Oh, Jacques, uh, I want you to go to this address

And summon this gentleman at once.

I've been calling all morning and leaving messages.

I can't seem to reach him.

- Yes, Mrs. Ο.

Ow.

- Lillian, how long must we wait?

- Oh, I can assure you,

Once Mr. Flakfizer receives my message,

He will race to be by my side.

- Hey.

- What happened?

Is anyone hurt?

- Ronald T. Flakfizer, attorney at law.

Don't try to get up.

I specialize in accident cases.

- We're both fine.

I know what I'm doing.

I know what I'm doing.

You wouldn't happen to have

Any french fries on you, would you?

All right, all right, step back, step back.

I've got injured clients here.

Sir, you of caused grievous harm

To my clients and their vehicle.

And through your negligence,

This child has suffered severe neck injuries.

- Leave me alone.

- Stick with me kid, and you can afford

Enough Nintendo software to sink a battleship.

I can sue my parents?

- I sued mine.

- Ow, my neck.

- Corruptible youth, God bless them.

My Lord, madam, you shouldn't be walking in your condition.

This woman is with child.

If any harm came to this infant, my God, sir,

You will feel my wrath in court.

- What are you talking about?

- Don't try to weasel out of this.

Dozens of witnesses saw your reckless driving.

How many of you saw this man,

Carelessly and without regard for life and property,

Careen into my clients at almost 85 miles per hour?

Hmm.

And who of you will tell their story to my young,

24-year-old Miss International wet-T-shirt champion

Nymphomaniac secretary?

- Yo. - Right here.

Flakfizer's at it again I see.

Check for outstanding-

- Roland T. Flakfizer, that's him.

- Thank you very much.

You agree with me.

I agree with you.

Ah.

Hold that thought.

I swear I never touched your daughter.

- Taxi.

Here we go.

Get in.

Get in.

Where to?

- Any place with no extradition laws and step on it.

Right.

- Mr. Roland T. Flakfizer?

- That depends.

- Do I owe you money? - No.

- In a drunken stupor, did I promise to marry you?

No.

- Then, I'm your man.

- Lillian Oglethorpe wants to see you.

- The Lillian Oglethorpe in her mid-50s

With possible gusts of the 60, 65?

- Yes, can you come right away?

- Is she still rich?

- Uh-huh. - By all means.

The Oglethorpe place.

- Big bucks, whoo.

Yeah, you settle back.

I'll get you there safe and sound.

One-way street.

Don't worry. This happens a lot.

- You enjoy driving a cab?

- Nah, nah, as soon as I get my driver's license,

I'm quitting.

A guy's really gotta haul rump

To make ends meet these days.

I mean, apart from the cab, I'm a pool man.

I perform liposuction.

I've got my own toupee business.

My motto, something that size should have hair on it.

- Aren't those numbers clicking by awfully fast?

- You're probably a speed reader.

- Well, you got me there.

Another two miles, and we own this cab.

I hope you brought money.

- Oh, sure.

- I have a wallet just like that.

Hey, that is my wallet.

When I get some money, this could come in handy.

Such behavior, stealing another man's wallet.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

I can't believe it.

You.

What are you doing?

Do you know who I am?

A psychotic cab driver?

- I'm Rocco Melonchek.

- I hope you know you're blowing any possible tip.

- You were my attorney in my divorce case

Until you started dating my wife during the trial.

And you got the court to double

The alimony request she originally made.

- Well, you didn't want her

To keep seeing me in cheap motels, did you?

For God's sake, man, she was your wife.

Help me.

- All right, all right, all right, all right,

All right, all right, all right, all right.

Five-minute break.

All right.

Break's over.

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You're a businessman.

Let's talk business.

- Fine, and then I'll kill ya.

- I thought I recognized you.

I've been looking for you for the past three years.

You're lying.

- Of course, I am, but hear me out.

Clients are impressed by a law firm with a big staff.

The more employees, the bigger the fees,

So I could use a man like you in my organization,

Travel, excitement, and a chance for advancement.

Of course, you'll start out on the bottom rung,

But work hard, and in no time,

You'll move up to next to the bottom rung.

- You got a dental plan?

- Lose a tooth, get two free.

- What's my job?

- You can be my chauffer.

- How much?

- 200 bucks a week.

- 600. - 300.

- 400. - 800.

- 900. - Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Shouldn't I be in this negotiation somewhere?

- 350, and not a penny more.

I'll take it.

- What happened to 1,000?

- Allow for taxes.

I want four weeks in advance.

- Five weeks. - Six weeks.

- Hold on, hold on.

I'm giving you one minute to stop all of this.

- Two minutes. - Five minutes.

- Seven minutes. - Nine minutes.

- Seven. - I've stepped

Into my own private little hell.

We better get going.

The faster I get to Lillian,

The quicker I can afford your salaries.

- Ah, ah, for 350 bucks a week, you drive.

- Lillian, we really can't wait any longer.

- Mm, I suppose you're right, Edmund.

I can't imagine what is keeping Roland.

- You guys wait here.

Hey, your the boss.

- The reading of the last will and testament

Of Oscar Winterhaven Oglethorpe.

Roland.

- Please call me when everyone else calls me,

Your royal sex machine.

I wouldn't come without bringing you

A terribly expensive gift.

I hope you like it.

It reminds me of you.

- Roland, how thoughtful of you,

But I believe I have one just like it.

- No problem, I'll take it back and get the money.

Mrs. Oglethorpe, you look wonderful.

I could make love to you right here and now.

- Roland, please.

Let's keep this on a professional level.

- Very well, then I'll charge you 50 bucks a pop.

- What?

- Ah, Mr. Oglethorpe, how well I remember him,

Gone now but not forgotten.

I was never crazy about his taste in clothes.

I hope his speech doesn't seem like a rambling affair,

Which is something I'm sure we'll be involved in.

Oh, Lillian, you make me feel just like a natural woman.

- I've heard enough.

Sir, I'm appalled.

- Lillian, who is this man?

- Oh, Roland, this is Mr. Edmund Lazlo.

- A likely story, just look at him.

He's obviously after your money and social standing.

But I was here first.

- Hey, how is everyone?

Have you got any mustard in here?

- Hey, I'm the boss, remember?

I told you to wait outside.

- Today's my day off.

- Uh, excuse me, and just who are you?

- Uh, he's a member of my staff.

Uh, Lillian Oglethorpe, Rocco Melonchek.

Rocco Melonchek, Lillian Oglethorpe.

In order to tell you two apart,

One of you's gonna have to wear a mustache.

- Nice to meet someone else who buys their clothes

At big and tall men's shops.

- I beg your pardon?

- Why, you can't help it? - Oh.

Oh, refreshments, good idea, Jacques.

He was so devoted to my husband.

Darling Oscar is dead now, you know.

- Well, I hope so.

I understand they buried him.

- Just make yourself feel at home.

- Lillian, I really do believe we should begin.

- Oh, yes, yes, certainly.

- Uh, will you all please find yourselves a seat?

- Oh, oh, dear, you're, ow, oh.

- Uh, the last will and testament

Of Oscar Winterhaven Oglethorpe.

- Do you have a bathroom?

- I protest.

This is most irregular, Lillian.

- Edmund, please be careful.

- This man is in, obviously, no condition to carry on.

Rocco, if you would continue.

- Lillian, I-

- Right, let's cut to the payoff here.

Blah, blah, blah, Minnesota holdings.

Ski boat, ski boat, ski boat, yacht.

La, la, la, "To my gay lover, I leave"-

- Oh.

Was a joke.

I was just joking.

Ah, yes, now.

Yes, here we are.

"All my worldly goods to be transferred

Into the care of my wife, Lillian."

Darling.

- "And because of my love for the arts,

I request that half my fortune be used

To establish a ballet company."

- Excellent, wonderful.

Nothing like the thrill of spending an evening watching

A bunch of anorexics leaping

Around guys with bulging genitals.

I hope I'm not arousing you.

- This is all very well and good.

But I wouldn't know the first thing

About running such a company.

- Mrs. Oglethorpe, as your trusted lawyer-

- You can use those words together?

- And friend, I naturally assume that task would fall to me.

- Why would anyone wanna be the head of a ballet company?

- "And the director of the company shall receive

$500,000 a year salary."

I'll take the job.

I have ballet running through my veins.

Lillian, I'm your man.

- Outrageous.

I doubt whether he knows the difference

Between the first, second, third,

Fourth, or fifth positions.

- Hey, he is strictly missionary position.

- We will not allow a rogue like you

To handle the Oglethorpe Ballet.

This document should be treated with the dignity

And respect it deserves.

- No, this is no time for family pictures.

- Um, charity work, I gather these

For those less fortunate than ourselves

Who can't afford pornography.

Edmund.

- I demand this man be this dismissed immediately.

- Jacques, you're working for me now.

- For what reason?

- Does it make you angry? - Yes.

- That's a good enough reason for me.

Lillian, I have a dream.

We'll bring in a whole new breed of ballet-goers

With innovative giveaways, leotard nights,

Wet-tutu competitions, and we'll be the first company

Performing ballet for the hard of hearing.

We'll have the ballerinas wear wooden shoes.

- Mrs. Oglethorpe, this man doesn't know

What he's talking about.

Now, leave this matter to me, and I will sign for you

The world's premier dancer, the Great Volare.

- Volare?

How wonderful.

- Wait a second.

Uno pari-mutuel, not the Volare.

You know the Great Volare?

- Ah, knew him back when he was known

As the Pretty Good Volare.

We served in the army together.

He owes me one.

I threw myself on top of an 18-year-old Vietnamese girl

And saved his life.

- Nonsense. - That's where you're wrong.

This is nonsense.

Lillian, I am the only one who can bring you

The world's greatest male ballerina.

For myself, I ask only a nominal salary

Plus a cut of gross receipts, a bonus of 25%

On anything above breakeven, a $300 per diem,

The use of a company car, and housing.

- By all means, make my husband's dream come true.

- What, you want him to marry a cheerleader?

- Oh, uh, give us a ballet.

Oh, this is so exciting.

- I can see I am no longer required as the family lawyer.

- Ooh, look, I'm thinking of becoming a lawyer.

Can I buy your diploma off you?

- Good heavens, I need you both.

- Very well, Lillian, as you wish, for now.

- And this evening, I'm off to the ballet.

I must shave, shower, get new clothes,

And practice signing your name.

My pearl, I bid you a fondue.

Oh, if you should lose this hand in an industrial accident,

Keep it for me.

Gentlemen.

Mm.

- Oh, Alan.

- I brought this for you.

It's not exactly a bouquet, but it's a start.

- So sweet, were you watching the ballet again tonight?

Of course, I love to watch you dance.

- Someday, we're gonna be on that stage dancing together.

At the rate I'm going, I'm not so sure.

- Alan, don't talk that way.

We agreed that, if one of us got into a major company,

It could only help the both of us.

Tonight, I'm going to talk to Volare about you.

- Oh, I would love that.

I mean, no one dances like the Great Volare.

- Except you.

Catch.

- Tickets please.

There's no smoking in the theater.

- Thank you.

- My pleasure.

- Turn that off. - Ooh.

Please, I, I, ugh.

Five and six.

- 11, now it's your turn, 25 and 67.

Oh.

- Miss, these seats are dreadful.

They're facing the stage.

- Oh. - Oh.

- Oh. - Ow.

- Hey, did we miss the coming attractions?

Who's the bad guy?

Is Tom Cruise in this?

Do you work out?

- Uh, I'm looking for the Great Volare.

- Uh, he's on stage.

- And he doesn't appreciate visitors backstage.

- No, no, no, no, I'm, I'm, I'm not a visitor.

No, this is, this is, this is strictly business.

- Hey, this creep bothering you?

- No, no, she's quite delightful, thank you.

- Okay, I give up.

How come he doesn't throw up?

- Bravo, Mr. Volare, they love you.

- That audience wouldn't know a ballet from a bull fight.

And who are you to speak to me?

- Well, I- - Where is my towel?

- Uh, right here. - When I come off stage,

I expect my towel immediately.

Do you understand me?

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Fire him.

Tina, darling, you were marvelous.

Perhaps we should meet in my dressing room

After the performance and discuss your career.

- Oh, I'd like that very much, Mr. Volare.

Thank you.

- Lisa, darling, I thought we would have dinner tonight

After the closing night party.

- Oh, well, thank you,

But I'm afraid I've already made plans.

Mr. Volare, I'd like you to meet my friend, Alan Grant.

- It's a privilege to meet you, Mr. Volare.

I'm a huge fan of yours.

Hmm.

- Well, Alan's a dancer, too,

With the Performing Artists Group,

The nonprofit ballet troop.

- Really? How sweet.

It's a fine idea to keep busy

Until one is good enough to command a salary.

My cue.

Oh.

Whoo.

- She looked 18, officer, I swear.

- Too noisy around here.

I'll say, I got twice the sleep

At a Julio Iglesias concert.

This guy's gotta get off stage soon.

Let's go back, wait for him, and sign him up.

- Okay.

- Excuse us. Excuse me.

We have to get this plutonium back to the lab.

Uh, oh.

Jacques.

- You know him?

- Sure, he used to drive Mr. - Oglethorpe to the theater,

And then I'd sneak him into the ballet.

- I'm gonna be the best man at their wedding.

I hope so.

- Excuse me, but we didn't get your name.

- Oh, yes, my name's Rocco Melonchek.

I'm the ballet world's up-and-coming manager slash agent.

I'm here to sign a contract with the great Volare.

- I hate to burst your bubble,

But Volare already has an agent and manager.

- Oh, that's too bad.

Any of 'em real sick?

You don't need Volare.

What you need is the next great ballet talent,

A young, fresh face.

- Alan Grant. - Exactly.

- I got it right.

- Oh, there's my cue.

Jacques, convince Mr. Melonchek.

Alan's the person he's looking for.

- This is all well and good, but can he dance?

Could he make millions?

Would he sign a contract for a lot of money but take scale,

Ieaving his manager with everything else?

- Sure he would.

Wouldn't you Alan?

- Alan? - Shh.

Can't you see he's watching the woman he adores?

You're in love with her, aren't you?

You bet.

- When's the wedding?

- There won't be one unless I can find a job dancing.

To tell you the truth, Mr. Melonchek, I'm about outta money,

And I'm gonna have to go back to Minneapolis.

I'll tell you what,

Don't you buy that plane ticket just yet

'Cause I am gonna get you an audition

With Roland T. Flakfizer, ballet director.

- You, you could do that?

- Sure, they're like this.

- Well, let's go to work, Mr. Melonchek.

I now pronounce us dancer and manager.

Ah, yeah.

Come in.

Tina, darling, I'm so glad you've come.

You were most inspiring tonight.

I can see that, under my guidance, your career will soar.

Already, I can hear the audience roar.

Who are you?

- Roland T. Flakfizer, managing director

Of the Oglethorpe Flakfizer Ballet Company.

You wouldn't happen to have a plunger on ya, would ya?

I beg your pardon?

- Oh, I see you have a pretty visitor.

I'll tell you what.

I'll get a girl, and we'll double.

- Got five minutes, Mr. Volare.

Five minutes?

My God, have you consulted another doctor?

- You are out of line.

- And you're outta toilet paper.

But we're still short one girl.

What are you doing here?

- To sign you for my ballet company.

To sign me for your ballet company?

- Swear to God I just said that.

Why don't you, uh, run along and let us men talk business.

Just leave your phone number and favorite color

With the manager, and later, we'll talk business.

- You're cute, Mr.-

- Garvey, Steve Garvey.

I think we have something beautiful, you and I.

Someday you'll have my children.

In fact, they're out in the car if you want them.

Oh, God.

You're still here?

- I will have you thrown out of the theater.

- First, we talk ballet.

- I know nothing of your ballet.

- Then, we have a lot in common.

I'm the managing director, and I don't either.

- Look, I don't dance for just anyone.

I am ballet.

My dance shoes are in the Louvre in Paris.

- So what?

Last year, I left a raincoat in Cleveland.

- Do you realize what I was doing at the age of seven?

- I can imagine.

And you must be thankful you didn't go blind.

I was dancing professionally.

- Well, whatever you call it, flogging the carrot,

Polishing the cue stick, choking the chicken,

Clearing the snorkel.

But I didn't come back here to rehash good times.

Volare, dance with the Oglethorpe Flakfizer Ballet Company,

And you can name your price.

Money is no object.

It isn't mine.

Look, I'm offering you a check for $500,000.

It's made out to Volare, Great, The.

- I don't dance for the money.

- Well, you dance, and I'll keep the money.

- Look, I will not dance for your ballet,

And that is final.

- Flakfizer doesn't know the meaning of the word no.

And we're a little fuzzy

On the word panagglutinin and viscosity.

All right, all right, all right.

Let's sweeten the pot.

Same money, we throw in a girl.

No.

- Then, would you object to me getting one?

I'm a lonely man, Mr. Volare.

- I will give you to the count of 10 to get out of here.

One, two, three- - Before you get stuck

Somewhere around six, I'll go.

If there's anything I can ever do for you, forget it

Because I don't do those kind of things.

And for the last time, I warn you

About that highly contagious rash.

I beg you to see to it at once.

Hygiene, Mr. Volare, hygiene.

Mr. Flakfizer.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I thought my father showed up.

- Come here. Come here.

Did Volare accept your offer?

- I didn't know the meaning of the word no,

But he had it down pretty good.

You wouldn't happen to have a world-famous dancer

Stuffed in a drawer somewhere, would you?

- As a matter of fact, I would.

His name's Alan Grant.

He can dance rings around Volare.

He's even more talented than Gorbachev.

- Gesundheit. - Baryshnikov.

- God bless you. Baryshnikov.

- Hi, how's it going? How you doing?

You're looking very nice today.

- He's one of the best dancers in the country.

Hire him for the ballet.

- What do you say? - No, no, nay, nyet.

I have to find some way to sign Volare.

When I do that, I'm the director of the ballet,

And gentlemen, that spells cash with a capital-

- Κ.

- You should go back to school.

I hated teaching.

- Flakfizer, I thought you were smart.

- I am smart.

I said no to you, didn't I?

- I'm offering you two incomes,

Your paycheck from the ballet company,

And then when you sign Alan Grant to dance,

Another hefty check as part of Alan's management team.

- But how do we get this past Mrs. Oglethorpe?

Relax.

After she sees Alan dance,

You've got nothing to worry about, except for taxes,

Depletion of the ozone layer,

And diseases due to any sexual contact.

- That's a load off my mind.

- All you've gotta do is convince Mrs. Oglethorpe

To let Alan into the charity bazaar.

- Are you kidding?

I can charm the pants off of her.

Now, that is a disgusting thought.

- Yeah. - Look, gentlemen,

You're gonna have to sneak him in.

- Uh, not, uh, not so fast.

- You know, I worry about you.

I really do.

- We're gonna make this legal.

We need a contract.

- A binding document with plenty of loopholes.

- Exactly.

Jacques, draw up the standard contract, would you please?

Hello, Jacques.

- We got years to go

Before we even come close to the Japanese.

Right, sign that.

- This paper's blank.

- I'll, uh, fill it in later.

- Fair enough.

You're not gonna cheat me or anything?

- I give you my word as a gentleman.

- Well, you had me until then.

All right, all right, 50-50 split.

- Ah, now this is more like it.

- What about me?

To show you no favoritism,

Rocco and I will also split your salary 50-50.

Thanks.

- That should keep you out of a higher income bracket.

Come to think of it,

That should keep you out of any income bracket.

Rocco, Jacques, tomorrow Alan Grant joins

The Oglethorpe Ballet Company.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Welcome to the Ninth Annual Oglethorpe Charity Festival.

- Let's go. - It gives me

Great pleasure to announce the Oglethorpe Ballet Company

Will be leaving for New York tomorrow, where we will have-

- You two, go and get dressed.

Be ready in 10 minutes.

10 minutes?

We'll be ready.

And you're gonna be a star.

- You know, if you keep this up,

I may even start to believe.

- Nice to have a chance to make someone's wish come true.

Oh, that's a nice thing to do.

Hmm.

- Uh-huh, well, how did the market close?

Uh-huh?

Well, roll over my amalgamated, split my utilities,

And double my capital venture overlays.

Now, call me in an hour

And tell me what the hell I'm talking about.

Pull over.

Everybody all set?

- We've got everything so under control it's pathetic,

- And so is he. - Good.

Driver, drive on.

Look out for that truck.

- Puppy. - Lillian.

Get this thing up on a rack and have it overhauled.

Better yet, why don't you get up on a rack,

And I'll see you in an hour?

Avanti.

- Get out. - Here, puppy.

Ah, there you are.

Darling.

Have you come to see mommy?

- What a charming little animal.

- Do you know dogs, Mr. Melonchek.

- Know dogs?

I used to be a chef in a Korean restaurant.

- Oh, good food, good friends, good conversation.

- Roland, I'm so upset Volare turned us down.

- I know, what a slap in our collective faces.

Like I told you, he has no respect for our ballet.

- I wouldn't want a man like that dancing for me

Or with me for that matter.

- I offered him half the moon.

I keep asking myself, why didn't he sign with us?

- Probably because he said he wouldn't work with you

If you were the last person on Earth.

- What was that? Nothing.

Fetch.

My darling Lillian, Volare has shunned us.

Hold your chins up high,

For I have discovered a fabulous young dancer,

A talent that soars.

Volare, it's Volare.

- Oh, good heavens, it's him.

Do you mind? It's Volare.

- Step back, step back, step back.

- Lillian, permit me to introduce the Great Volare.

- I've seen greater.

- Seignior Volare,

I understand you've refused to dance with our company.

- The truth of the matter is

Mr. Volare won't work with Mr. Flakfizer.

But my dear Lillian,

I'm happy to announce that I have signed Mr. Volare

To dance with and to be the artistic director

Of the Oglethorpe Ballet Company.

- Ladies and gentlemen, the overture has started.

- Overture to what?

- The ballet find of the century.

- Aha. - What?

Roll up, roll up, top-class ballet this way.

- Lillian, just a little surprise I cooked up.

If you don't like it, it was Rocco's idea.

- Oh, Roland, I love a surprise.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

- It's all right, huh?

- Yeah.

Rocco, Rocco, Rocco.

Whoo.

Oh.

- Yay.

- Hey, provecho.

- Mrs. Oglethorpe, Mrs. Oglethorpe,

Meet the future world champion of ballet,

Mr. Alan Grant.

It's a pleasure.

Nice to meet you.

- Mrs. Oglethorpe, I would like to make an announcement.

- He's being deported.

- I have found my prima ballerina,

The lovely Miss Lisa Le Baron.

- What?

- But what about Alan?

- Shall we say, a most unusual technique,

Perhaps better suited to experimental theater?

- You can't talk to my client like that.

- If Alan isn't in the company, I won't be either.

Neither will I.

- That's a victory for all mankind.

- You're making a mistake, my dear.

- Lisa, I agree with Volare.

- But Alan, we'll be apart for months.

- Remember when you told me that, with you dancing,

It would be good for both of us?

- Yes, but-

- When Valerie makes you a star,

You can choose anyone on Earth to dance with.

Dance with the Oglethorpe.

Come on, I'll be the proudest guy in the country.

- All right.

- You've made a wise choice, my dear.

- Then, it's settled.

I am so excited.

- You're excited?

- Feel these nipples. - Oh.

- Now, Lillian, about the directorship

Of the ballet company.

- Oh, yes, yes, of course, Edmund.

You have brought us the Great Volare,

And dear Roland has presented us with our ballerina.

I think it only fair that you and Roland share the honor.

Flakfizer?

This is preposterous.

- Preposterous is it?

Why don't we step outside and settle this like men?

- We are outside.

- Then, why don't we step inside

And settle this like women?

Or, are you afraid, Lazlo?

- I'm twice the man you are.

- So is she, and it's driving me mad.

Oh, Lillian, can't you see I'm on fire?

Oh.

- And you, you contemptible cur,

Maybe you don't want to work for Mrs. Oglethorpe.

Is that so, Edmund?

- Well, of course not.

I will do anything that is best for the ballet.

- Well, there's no need to commit suicide.

And to show you no hard feelings, how 'bout a cigar?

I don't smoke.

- Well, I do.

Why don't you run out and get me one?

And now since I'm in charge of the ballet,

Just jamming that thought home, I propose a toast.

Champagne.

- I'm not going to work such an uncouth pig.

- Certainly, Mr. Volare.

- Now, it's on to New York with a hefty per diem.

Good morning, Mr. Flakfizer.

- Morning, here you go, here you go.

I'm all out of American currency.

Here, take a fistful of Romanian 50s, all right?

Good morning.

- Morning, Mr. Flakfizer.

- Morning.

Good morning, Mr. Flakfizer.

- Good morning. - Good morning, Mr. Flakfizer.

Morning. - Morning, Mr. Flakfizer.

- Good morning.

- Morning, Mr. Flakfizer.

Morning. - Morning, Mr. Flakfizer.

- Good morning.

- Good morning, Mr. Flakfizer.

- The end of another grueling day.

- The press conference is to begin in five minutes.

Roland seems to be running a little late.

Late?

That charlatan hasn't been around in weeks.

I don't know why you put up with him.

He's never in his office.

He never responds to his calls.

He's totally irresponsible.

- Lisa, relax, my dear.

Everyone is nervous their first time.

Just follow my lead.

I'm very experienced.

- That's very kind of you, Mr. Volare.

- Oh, come on, call me Roberto.

Roberto.

- Lisa, I know an intimate little bistro

With a fabulous view of the city.

Perhaps dinner and an all-night boat ride, hmm?

- Well, I don't really think that would be such a good idea

Because I don't-

- I hope I'm interrupting something.

Volare, you know it's not polite to drool in public.

- Roland, I haven't seen you for weeks.

- Ah, Lillian, my pile of sweetness, I'm so sorry.

I've been busy promoting our ballet at beauty pageants.

And then, of course, there's my volunteer work

At the breast implant clinic, and how I missed you.

In fact, I missed you so much, two days ago, I went out,

And I bought a woman who looks just like you.

- Oh, you silly.

- For you, from you.

- Another lovely bracelet.

- I didn't want this wrist to think I was neglecting it.

Oh, Roland.

- Lillian, I- - Lazlo,

I didn't see you there.

I stand corrected.

I saw you, but I chose to ignore you.

Mm. Oh.

- Lisa, my darling.

- You excuse us.

Two's company, and three's an adult movie.

Oh.

Uh.

Oh.

- Mrs. Oglethorpe, may we start?

Oh, please.

- Is she a fox or what?

- Uh, ladies and gentlemen, for many weeks now,

The Oglethorpe Ballet Company have been in rehearsal.

Tomorrow, we open with Roberto Volare's interpretation

Of "Tears of the Swan."

At this time, I wish to introduce to you

The creative genius behind our company,

The brightest light in the ballet firmament.

- Thank you for those kind words, Edmund Lazlo.

I don't know who does your hair, but tell me.

Where do they do it, and when are they bringing it back?

Well, I had a speech all prepared,

But today, I'm going to speak from the heart.

You've no doubt asked yourself,

"Why has he been chosen for this task

Of running the Oglethorpe?"

Well, the whole story is right here in my autobiography,

"Flakfizer: A Man's Man," but I like women a lot more,

My intimate views of Jackie, Cher, Sean,

Larry, Moe, Curly, over 200 pages of provocative pictures,

And only one page has any writing on it.

Act now, and you can get one

Of these fabulous "Flakfizer Is Ballet" T-shirts,

MasterCard and Visas accepted.

That brings me to the task at hand,

To introduce the woman I adore.

Behind every great man is a woman,

And thank heaven I have Lillian Oglethorpe

Because, quite frankly, I enjoy the shade.

Dear Lillian, soon I hope to take you on a Caribbean cruise

Where we can hold hands on a soft summer's evening

And watch that old Jamaican moon.

Why that old Jamaican will be mooning us, I have no idea.

Oh.

- And now, here she is, the woman voted by her senior class

Most likely to go up a few dress sizes,

A woman who would be a man except her name is Lillian,

Lillian Oglethorpe.

- Thank you, thank you.

- Hey, hey, what's with all the tears?

This should be the happiest night of your life.

- I know it should be.

It's just that I miss Alan so much.

I'd feel the same way

If the man I loved was thousands of miles away.

Of course, I'd be living a whole different lifestyle.

Come with me.

I know just the thing to cheer you up.

You just step right in here, my dear.

Your spirits might just brighten.

- But that's Mr. Volare's dressing room.

- Of course, he's got the best champagne.

- Oh, Alan.

- Lisa. - Ta-da.

- Flakfizer flew Alan out to see you

At the opening of the ballet.

- It's a formal affair.

You have tuxedos?

- I got mine.

- That's great for tomorrow,

But aren't you a little overdressed for today?

Oh, no.

- I'm very impressed.

- I don't have any luggage.

- Then, this all makes sense.

I was worried there for a second.

Mr. Flakfizer, thank you.

- I see you're saving your best stuff for Alan.

- I think we should leave the lovers

Alone for a few minutes.

Make that a few hours.

I missed you so much.

- I don't want us to be apart ever again.

I told you before.

- Oh, my God, it's Volare.

You better hide.

Don't hang my tight by the crotch.

It throws off my bulge.

Yes, I'm sorry.

- Lisa, what a pleasant surprise.

I see you decided to start our little party early, huh?

Roberto, you've got the wrong idea.

- Oh, no, I think I've got the right idea.

Roberto, stop it.

- Get your heads off of her.

- You, what are you doing here?

- Mr. Flakfizer flew me out.

- Well, you and Mr. Flakfizer are going

To be sorry for this.

- Volare, what happened?

- It's Flakfizer.

He brought that performance artist out here.

Hasn't that information that arrived yet?

- No, but we may not need it.

I have devised a little plan.

He's staying at Lillian's townhouse.

All we have to do is make a few arrangements.

- Oh, no.

Lillian?

Well, no one's in.

Roland.

- This is just a business call.

Uh, I didn't think you were back so soon.

Roland.

- Lillian, can't we just be friends?

Why, you're not Lillian.

- You gonna spank me?

- We can start there and see what happens.

- Are we alone?

- Oh, servants have the day off.

Lillian is already at the theater, but I'm here.

Take me.

- Okay, let's say two to three falls,

No standing eight count.

- Wait, I wanna make love by candlelight.

- Oh, I can do you one better.

I think this is more

In keeping with things to come.

Not a bad little pad Lillian's got here.

Was that the doorbell?

- That wasn't you?

- Nevermind, just ignore it.

- Well, it's a big house.

Maybe they can't hear the bell.

- Let's try this.

Wait a minute.

I'll, I'll be right back.

If you need anything,

There's plenty of batteries in my room.

Ooh, let me try this.

- Yeah, good idea, you go through the window.

If the alarm goes off,

I'll run away so they won't catch both of us.

- We don't want any.

Oh, it's you.

- We have to talk.

It's very important.

- Look, the next half hour, give or take 29 minutes,

Will be very important for me, so thanks for dropping by.

- Yeah, but Flakfizer.

- Your face is familiar.

It's mine.

- And so it is.

Say, if you ever visit this planet again,

Gimme a call.

We'll have lunch.

Flakfizer.

- How come you didn't knock?

I'm using a better grade of gas.

That's not bad, is it?

You know, I always enjoy it when we get together,

But I want you out, or I'll be forced to kill you.

Of course, I'll tell the police I did it out of love.

Flakie, aren't you coming to bed?

- That's a girl.

- Not just a girl, a way of life.

- What if Mrs. Oglethorpe comes back?

- She'll have to wait her turn.

I saw Tina first.

- Don't you see?

Lazlo wants Mrs. Oglethorpe to catch you in bed with her.

- Oh, no, Mrs. Oglethorpe.

- I've been in situations like this before.

We act calm.

Stay cool.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Tina leaves by back door, and no one is any the wiser.

It's an old Gary Hart trick.

- I'm not leaving till I'm satisfied.

Oh, oh, you big-

- Really has such a nice, light touch with women.

Ow, ow.

You big brute.

How dare you do that to me?

- Get her outta sight.

No, no, no, that's Lillian's room.

- In here, in here.

- Not there, she can't be found there.

That's my room.

- I don't know why you insist on returning to my room,

But we can't miss the final dress rehearsal of the ballet.

- Uh, Lillian, my dear, we can't go without Flakfizer.

I just thought it would make for a better appearance

If we all arrive at the same time.

- You have been looking at your watch all morning, Edmund.

Your behavior is most peculiar.

- You big animal. - Sh.

- What was that?

We must investigate.

- Edmund, what is this?

- You relentless sex stallion.

- Oh, great, now she's talking about me.

- What was that?

- Show, show her what will happen if she doesn't shut up.

- That came from your suite.

- Hide her.

- My bedroom?

- Aha. - 98, 99, 100.

Lillian, Lazlo, my two favorite Ls.

What on Earth are you doing here at this ungodly hour?

- I know you're up to something, Flakfizer.

- A snap inspection?

- Roland, what are you doing in my bedroom?

- This is your room?

Thank God, I thought someone sewed up all my fly holes.

Lazlo, how about the three of us going down to the kitchen

And making a big sandwich?

- I hardly think so.

I'm going to check under the bed.

- Edmund, what on Earth has gotten into you?

Achoo.

Roland,

Be more careful, oh.

- You did that on purpose.

You're trying to conceal the fact that,

Ah, you're sweet.

- And I think you're pretty terrific yourself.

You stay here.

There's no telling what he may do in this crazed state.

Lazlo, I say Lazlo, what are you looking for?

- A woman.

- How 'bout calling an escort service?

- I'm calling the police.

Oh, uh, uh, excuse me, I, I'm so sorry.

I, I, uh, forgive me.

The guest bedrooms.

- Pss, pss.

Sh, sh.

Roland.

Roland, what is all the commotion?

- It's Lazlo, I've never seen him like this.

- Oh. - Quick, in here.

And while you're in there,

Why don't you make the bed?

- I know she's here somewhere.

- Lazlo. - What?

- What was that?

- I don't know, but it came from in here.

Oh.

Edmund.

This is outrageous.

- I, I, I, I, I, I can explain.

- He's got a woman tied up.

- Edmund.

She looks dazed and drugged.

No.

- He's obviously the grand dragon

Of some sort of sex-slave cult.

Oh.

- And she looks like she's about 15.

- No, no, no.

- Okay, 14, and in fact, I know she's 14

Because I was dating her a year ago.

- Edmund, I want you out of my house this instant, ah, oh.

If I had to take a wild guess,

I'd say you're out of a job.

I hope there's no hard feelings.

You know, Lazlo, this is a good look for you.

- Flakfizer, ugh.

Yoo-hoo, Lazlo, are you decent?

- Lillian. - Quick, smelling salts

And a crane if ya got one.

- Oh, my goodness, you've done it now, Lazlo.

I don't feel a thing.

This woman is dead.

- You're holding his wrist.

- Then, this man is dead.

- Mrs. Oglethorpe is unconscious.

- Smelling salts, right away.

- Hello, excuse me, gentlemen,

Triple Speed messenger service.

I got a message here for a guy named Lazlo.

Give me that.

Ah, this is a litany of fraudulent accident cases,

Bad debts, and several police departments

Who would love to get their hands on you.

And when Mrs. Oglethorpe comes to, she will read this,

And she will have no course but to fire you.

- Quick, try some chloroform.

- I'm taking Lillian to the hospital.

You help me get into the car.

- Why don't you to take him along for a brain scan?

Get clear, easy.

- What are we gonna do now?

- What any Flakfizer would do.

- What, something devious and underhanded?

You know the family.

We don't get that letter from Lazlo

Before Lillian wakes up, we're dead ducks.

Multiple fractures? Lucky day.

The name's Flakfizer, no job too small, no fee too large.

If any limb falls off, mail it to me.

Can only strengthen our case.

Roland T. Flakfizer, this is your lucky day.

- Hey, this man's dead.

- Then, he won't be needing this.

I'm almost all outta of business cards.

- Excuse me.

What are you gentlemen doing here?

- Oh, we need to see Mrs. Lillian Oglethorpe.

- I'm afraid that's not possible.

She's on a private floor,

Hospital personnel and doctors only.

- Hi, Ed Breckerman, security.

There's a Mercedes on fire in the doctor's parking lot.

- When will Mrs. Oglethorpe regain consciousness?

- She's under a sedative.

You'll have to ask the doctor.

You called?

- At last.

Aha, aha.

Mm-hmm, no letter here.

Right, I'll carve, dark meat or white?

- Now, this is a very important woman,

And I hope you know your business.

- Hey, so do we.

- I just wanna assure you that we've been doctors

For many, many floors now.

- You're not the doctor I saw earlier.

- He caught what she got.

We're filling in.

She's been out since she came here?

- Yes.

- And so she hasn't been able to read anything then, huh?

- Of course not. - Good.

It would bring on complications, not for her necessarily,

But complications nonetheless.

- She's coming to, doctor.

- Now, we got complications.

- She's going out, doctor.

- Crisis is over.

- This is ludicrous.

- I don't think anyone will argue that point.

Let the games begin.

It's the first annual Vasectomy Bowl.

Ah.

- What is going on?

- A happy doctor is a good doctor.

- What is the meaning of this?

You sure you're a doctor?

That's gotta hurt.

At least I hope it does.

Doctor, we'll have to run a few tests,

Table for one.

- There you go. - Ground transportation

Courtesy of Medicare.

♪You say ether, and I say either♪

♪Ether, either♪

- Oh, please proceed.

I'm just checking on Mrs. Oglethorpe.

- Uh, doctor. - Doctor.

- Yes, doctor. - Doctor.

- Yes, doctor. - Doctor.

- Hmm, doctor. - Doctor.

- Yes. - Hmm.

- I thought we'll have to perform a full rectumology.

- Undo an epidemic.

Drop those pants.

Not you, the patient.

- I thought you were cardiologists.

- Oh, well, they're all connected.

We enter the rectum and head north.

- Why do you think we have such long instruments?

- X-rays for Dr. Blazie.

I'll take those.

I deal in X-rays.

Oh, I see you do, too.

- I used to work at Las Vegas General.

- Security to a room 1404.

- Yeah, hit me.

I'll play these.

- Read 'em and weep, three hearts.

- Needs a pair of kidneys.

Doctor, your diagnosis?

- Uh, difficult to tell from the negative.

It's a liver.

- Looks more like veal to me.

- What is this, doctor?

- It's an obstruction in the fourth lumbar.

- Yeah, huge backup in the lower intestine.

- And my advice is to avoid the intestine

And plan an alternate route.

Grab a left at the first major artery

And get on the fifth lumbar heading south.

- Skeletal update every hour on the hour.

- Gentlemen, time for a thorough checkup.

- Gotta be here somewhere.

- Aha, the operation is a success.

- Success. - Success.

- Doctors, we're done here.

Arrest those men.

Ah.

Whoo.

Whoo, whoo.

Come here.

Still.

Stay still, all right?

Come on.

There you go, come on.

Come over here.

- Ah, so you are the doctors?

- No, we're not them.

We're someone else.

Uh, the three you're looking for are our twin brothers.

And you'll never see us together

'Cause we love the same women.

- That's next on Geraldo.

- Roland. - Yes.

- What are you doing here?

- That's a good question.

What am I doing here?

- Impersonating a doctor, harassing a patient,

Altering medical records.

- Trespassing, destroying hospital property,

And don't forget, Alan punching out Volare.

- Whose side are you on anyway?

Give me that.

Ah.

- Stealing private property.

- Could happen to anyone.

- Society's the blame.

- There's too much violence in the movies.

- It's my environment.

- We were carrying out orders.

It's the Japanese.

They're buying out everything.

- Did we leave anything out?

- Could I have a personalized number?

- Is my hair okay?

- Empty your pockets.

- You can make one call.

Hello, Sportsline?

Steamer?

Hi, this is Rocco.

Am I on the air?

Jesus.

Gimme that.

- Be careful with that.

Do you know who this man is?

This is Jackson Pollock Jr., son of Roy Lichtenstein.

Few years, this could be worth millions.

♪Nobody knows ♪

The trouble I seen♪

♪Nobody knows my sorrow♪

♪What's it all about, Alfie ♪

♪Is it just for the moment we live♪

♪What's it all about

♪When ya started out, Alfie ♪

♪Wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh♪

♪Wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh♪

♪ In the jungle ♪Wimoweh ♪ ♪

♪ ♪The mighty jungle♪ Wimoweh, wimoweh ♪

♪The lion sleeps tonight♪ Wimoweh ♪

♪In the jungle, the quiet jungle♪

♪The lion sleeps tonight♪

♪Hey, hey, hey♪

♪Whoo♪ ♪Wimoweh, wimoweh♪

- ♪ Wimoweh♪ - Hey.

♪ Wimoweh ♪

- Hey, you got visitors.

- Maybe it's somebody with a recording contract.

- Alan, Lisa.

- You can go home, fellas.

You bribed the guard?

- I paid your bail.

- How did you do that?

- I used my severance pay.

You have servants?

- No, Volare fired me.

Seems I wasn't appreciative enough.

- He can't do that.

- No, he's done it all right.

And now he's dancing with Lisa's understudy.

- Not the one with the large chest?

- There's nobody in the company like that.

- There would be if I was still running things.

This is terrible.

And Volare's vowed to blackball us

From ever dancing for a major ballet company.

That's not fair.

- I know, and it's all my fault.

- Oh, it's your fault, huh?

- Let me at him. - No, no.

- Alan, don't talk that way.

Well, I wouldn't dance with Volare

If he were the last man on Earth.

Wait a minute.

Just because you're not in a ballet doesn't mean

You won't dance tonight.

- Flakfizer's right.

I dunno why, but he's right.

- And I think it's about time

For Alan to make his New York debut.

To the theater, and not a minute to lose.

- Break a leg, Mr. Volare.

Grazie.

Tina, darling.

- Break a leg, Mr. Volare.

Grazie.

Sh, sh.

Break a leg, Mr. Volare.

Grazie.

- Five minutes, Mr. Volare.

Five minutes?

Oh, my God.

- Four minutes, Mr. Volare.

Four minutes?

- Three minutes, Mr. Jolson.

- What's going on here?

- Where do you want these, Mr. Volare?

- Anywhere, anywhere, just keep them

- out of my way. - All right, all right.

Come on, come on, come on.

Hurry up, hurry up.

Get outta here, get outta here.

Go.

Hey, you two, you two, out.

Where do you want these, Mr. Volare?

- What's going on here?

- How do I know?

- Chuck, do you want to make me think you lost your mind?

- Lobstergram for Mr. Volare, Lobstergram.

- Oh, there you are. - What do you mean?

For he's a jolly good fellow♪

For he's a jolly good fellow♪

- Who is it? - ♪For he's a jolly♪

♪Good fellow♪

Lazlo.

For he's a jolly good follow♪

♪For he's a jolly good fellow♪

- Mr. Volare is coming, places please.

- Tonight is your night, my dear.

- Thanks to you, Edmund.

After the performance, I will announce you

As the sole director of our ballet company.

- If I do say so myself, the ballet is in good hands.

- How could I ever have trusted someone

As nefarious as Roland Flakfizer?

I don't wish to hear his name mentioned ever again.

- Edmund.

- It's those idiots.

I will put a stop to this.

- Good evening, ballet fans, we've got a good one,

Another big-league ballet battle starring

That plucky Roberto Bulldog Volare.

And what a great night for a ballet it is.

The sky is clear.

The wind is blowing from left to right,

Which means the ballerinas should be flying outta here.

And here we go.

Volare does a pirouette, another pirouette, a skip, a leap.

He spins.

He scores.

Listen to that crowd.

It's him.

- We return you now to your regularly scheduled programming.

Come here.

- Get the police now.

- Ooh.

Ooh.

- Hi. - What?

Get up, get.

Hold it.

The Great Volare?

- Bon voyage.

Oh.

All right, yeah, okay.

Here we go.

- Yeah, okay. - What, what?

- And slam dunk. - Yes.

- This is an outrage.

I will not continue unless you put a stop to this.

- Yes, sir.

Oh.

- Spread out.

Find them.

Let's go.

No, don't.

Hey, gimme that.

- Get outta here.

Get out.

- Damn, get off, off.

This way.

Volare.

- What on Earth is happening now?

Edmund, anyone?

- You rang?

- Roland, what is happening?

- Ballet history.

- When do we go on?

I'd say right about now.

- There they are.

Arrest those men.

Don't let 'em get away.

- Oh, boy, oh, boy.

- I will never work for the Oglethorpe Ballet again.

- You put that in writing?

- This evening could ruin my career.

At least we're thinking along the same lines.

- I must explain to my public this is all your doing.

That is the, I.

- Maybe they're trying to tell you something.

- I quit.

- That's what they're trying to tell ya.

- Officers, take these people away.

- Oh, my God, he's gotta gun.

- He's insane.

He could use a gift certificate to the Betty Ford Center.

We'll have lunch right after the lobotomy.

Always remember, nobody likes you.

- Bravo. - Bravo.

- Wonderful, wonderful, we're a hit.

- Go on, go on, come on, get back out there.

Get back out there.

- Listen to that crowd.

- You're a ballet legend.

- And you're not even dead yet.

- Oh, Roland, I'm so glad I trusted you.

- Rest assured, my darling,

I will never leave your side again.

- Oh, oh, what's that?

Ah, nothing.

- Hold it. - Hey.

Whoa.

Hey, what happened?

Oh, hmm.

I got an idea.

- Hey, ooh. - Oh, big boy.

- Come here. - Aha.

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, uh-huh.

Yes, oh, boy.

Oh, here, mm.

Oh.

- Hey, guys.