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Downloaded from
YTS.BZ
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Welcome to the Royal Opera House,
Covent Garden.
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Please welcome to the stage,
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Bill Bailey.
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.BZ
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APPLAUSE
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This programme contains strong
language and adult humour
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CHEERING
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Thank you. Hello!
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WHOOPING
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Welcome, welcome everybody,
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to the Royal Opera House,
Covent Garden.
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What a fantastic venue.
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It's a great honour to be here.
Some of you,
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I imagine, will be opera buffs.
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And, uh, you'll be thinking
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this is a bit odd, isn't it?
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Bill Bailey, a comedian in the
Royal Opera House?
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Has there been some sort of mix
up in the booking?
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Is Katherine Jenkins appearing
at the Chuckle Lounge in Lowestoft?
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Which I would pay good money to see.
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LAUGHTER
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Uh, a little bit of housekeeping
before we start.
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I've got a jazz button.
When I deploy the jazz button,
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it turns the Opera House
briefly into a jazz club.
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SOFT JAZZ
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So I will be using
that in an emergency.
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And I also have a mediaeval button.
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JAUNTY STRING MUSIC
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So, there's that.
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Uh, I have a Boris randomiser.
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BORIS JOHNSON:
I have had some drugs. OK.
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And...
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LAUGHTER
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I've no idea what's going
to come out of that.
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And, er, I also have a Bin Of Wonder.
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ANGELIC CHOIR
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I'm guessing you might want to see
that again.
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AUDIENCE: Yes!
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I have a Bin Of Wonder.
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ANGELIC CHOIR
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CHEERING
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One more time?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
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I have a Bin Of Wonder.
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ANGELIC CHOIR
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APPLAUSE
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Now, some of you may be thinking,
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"Why has Bill got some kind
of barbecue on the stage?"
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Well, this is actually a rather
intriguing instrument.
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It's actually a convex steel drum
or a handpan.
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A Hang drum, if you will,
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and it makes a rather beautiful
and intriguing sound.
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I'll give you a brief demo.
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TUNEFUL CHIMES
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APPLAUSE
There it is.
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This, um... this rather lovely
thing, it's unfortunate.
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It has been espoused by the tie-dye
community.
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Uh, it gets used a lot on
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the promotional videos
for yoga retreats, you know.
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AMERICAN ACCENT: "Welcome to the
Earth Wellness Centre.
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"Drift downstream on a Lilo of
the limbic system.
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"Join us for a Zen humming
and healing weekend
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"with oatmeal conversation."
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You know, it's just been traduced
by the Reiki-flakearati, and, uh...
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But you've got to say
that it does lend itself
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rather to the meditative act,
doesn't it not?
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It's the perfect instrument,
in a way that perhaps
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the bagpipes wouldn't be quite
so relaxing.
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RELAXING CHORDS
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"Relax your mind. Imagine you're on a
beautiful river..."
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BAGPIPES PLAY
"Relax!"
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So!
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Over here... Now, this is the
theremin.
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You play it by proximity.
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STRANGE WARBLING
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It was invented by accident
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by a Russian KGB radio engineer
in 1920.
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Of course, you knew that.
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And, uh, it was, um, it was, uh,
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basically there's two electromagnetic
processors which...
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INSTRUMENT PULSES
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...create these realms of
oscillation, as I call them.
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I mean, it's not called that,
but I like the word,
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like the term,
"realm of oscillation."
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It sounds like an experimental
music duo from Lowestoft.
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"Hello, we're Realm Of Oscillation.
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"This is our new track,
Mole Frequency."
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Oh, great. Uh...
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And you play it by proximity.
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You move your hand into its realm.
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ETHEREAL TONES
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And you can play with any part of
the body,
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you can play it with the head.
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It's intriguing and annoying.
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And, uh...
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...this is something perhaps
more familiar.
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This is an iPhone. Now there's
an app on it called GarageBand,
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a beautiful instrument called
the erhu, a Chinese bowed guitar.
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MOURNFUL STRINGS
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And I've contrived to present
a piece for you,
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a duet for two iPhones.
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TRANSIENT MUSIC
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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INCOHERENT BORIS JOHNSON NOISES
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Yes, well...
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None of this makes any sense.
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I tell you what didn't make sense to
me.
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You know the high-street freezer
chain, Iceland?
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OK, so, you know what?
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I may have pitched this a little
bit wrong for the Royal Opera House.
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You get a different class
of punter here, don't you?
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You're looking at me like, "What?
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"A high-street freezer chain?
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"Good Lord, what is such a thing?"
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"I love coming to these does,
you know,
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"to hear these lowbrow comedians and
the humdrum lives that they lead.
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"Tell us more, vaudevillian.
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"Tell us of this high street
of which you speak."
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"A mechanical device
for freezing things?
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"Good Lord, you'll be telling me
that women have got the vote next.
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"Good Lord, how do we get cool
things, Marjorie?"
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"Well, a chap from the village
brings a block of ice up on a cart
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"and Francois carves it into a swan
and we serve the canapes on that."
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"Oh, I see.
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"Carry on."
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So...
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Should we try that again?
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You know the high-street freezer
chain, Iceland, right?
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AUDIENCE: Yes.
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Of course you do. Now...
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They got into a bit
of a contretemps with the country,
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Iceland, right -
this is a true story -
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Iceland, the country, took them
to court
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to stop them using the name Iceland,
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lest they be mixed up. Right?
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Lest people were unable
to distinguish between the two.
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But let me ask you a genuine
question,
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Royal Opera House. Who?
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Who are these people incapable
of distinguishing between
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a shop and a country?
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Who are these people coming out
of Reykjavik airport
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and standing there looking
around going,
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"Oh, no, no, no.
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"This is just lava fields
and disgraced banks.
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"Where's my cod parcel
in a cheese and chive sauce?"
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I've got a theory about
who these people might be.
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It's a little bit contentious.
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Idiots, right?
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We all know them.
We've all seen them in Casualty.
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They're the ones with a compass stuck
in their forehead
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because they tried to draw
a circumference of their own face.
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People that say things like,
"Wearing a mask,
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"it's like living in Nazi Germany.
Wearing a mask."
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Yeah, because that's what
the Nazis are known for, wasn't it?
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Mild inconvenience.
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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Oh.
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"What, take the bins out on a
Wednesday,
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"as opposed to a Thursday?
It's like living in Nazi Germany!"
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Anyway.
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Good evening. I'm Bill Bailey,
by the way.
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I'm a person of note.
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I was voted seventh most intelligent
person on the TV
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by readers of Radio Times magazine.
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So, um... Yes. Thank you.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
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Number six was Lisa Simpson,
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a fictitious cartoon character.
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I have a recognisable face,
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and sometimes it can lead to some
sort of rather odd exchanges.
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I was driving
down to the West Country.
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I came out of a service station and
I wasn't wearing a seat belt.
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These two cops stopped me
and he said,
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"You weren't wearing a seat
belt." I went, "No."
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And then he tried to tell me a story.
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Just sort of demonstrating the
dangers of not wearing a seat belt.
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Didn't make any sense at all.
He said,
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"You know the band Def Leppard?"
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I said, "Yeah." He goes, "You know,
the drummers only got one arm?"
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I said, "Yeah?" "You know how
he lost it?"
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"No." "Car crash, wasn't it? Yeah.
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"Thrown from the vehicle,
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"ripped his arm right off,
wasn't wearing a seat belt.
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"Lost his arm. Drummer.
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"His girlfriend, she was
in the passenger seat.
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"She was wearing a seat belt.
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"Killed instantly."
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So, like I say,
doesn't make any sense.
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Right, OK, time for a bit of a song,
I reckon, Royal Opera House.
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So...
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...this is a four-string Appalachian
blues guitar.
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And it has been cunningly fashioned
from a Holy Bible.
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So it makes a righteous sound.
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{\an8}Two settings - Old Testament,
New Testament.
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♪ A long time ago
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♪ In a place not unlike this
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00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:20,239
♪ I was feeling low
and I stared into the abyss
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♪ And I prayed to the Lord
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00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:24,080
♪ But I'm a sinner
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♪ So I was not prioritised
199
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:31,879
♪ A heavenly voice said,
200
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:33,880
♪ "Your prayer
is important to the Lord
201
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:38,000
♪ "We are currently experiencing a
high volume of prayer
202
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,840
♪ "Some prayers are recorded
for training purposes
203
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:47,120
♪ "You are currently EIGHT MILLIONTH
in the queue."
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00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:51,720
♪ Well, I was alone and confused
Like a pangolin in space
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00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:56,039
♪ And in my time of torment
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00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:58,520
♪ Help came from a different place
207
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:04,679
♪ Well, I stood on the clifftop
208
00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:06,599
♪ I looked down at the sea
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00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:08,479
♪ I heard the devil whisper
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00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:11,199
♪ "Are you looking for me?"
211
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,799
♪ In that kind of generic American
accent
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00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:16,160
♪ That the devil sometimes
speaks in...
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00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,679
You never get a West Country devil,
do you?
214
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:21,960
WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:
"Hello there, I'm Satan!"
215
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,039
No, you're not. "I flippin' well am!
216
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:28,599
"I've got the hooves and everything."
217
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:29,840
Shut up. "All right."
218
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:36,199
♪ Deal out the cards son
and your soul will be released
219
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,559
♪ But understand
if you lose this hand
220
00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:40,839
♪ Your soul belongs to me
221
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:42,639
♪ Deal out the cards, son
222
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:44,839
♪ And your soul will be released
223
00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:47,039
♪ Name your card game, son
224
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:50,319
♪ I said Happy Families
225
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:52,239
♪ Well, the devil raised an eyebrow
226
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:54,399
♪ He said, "Prepare to meet thy
maker"
227
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:56,639
♪ Well, I looked the devil in the eye
228
00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:58,799
♪ And played Mr Bun the Baker
229
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,119
♪ Well, a crowd of demons laughed
and shrieked
230
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,319
♪ And the Devil's Fork got closer
231
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:07,159
♪ The devil looked me right in the
eye and played Mr Grits the Grocer
232
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,239
♪ Well, the devil started cackling
233
00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:11,239
♪ And he'd be cackling yet
234
00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:15,639
♪ But the Prince of Lies had no
reply to Mr Flea the Vet
235
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,639
♪ Well, the devil hung his head
that day
236
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:19,679
♪ And my soul jumped for joy
237
00:12:19,680 --> 00:12:22,079
♪ Cos the devil knew I still had
in my hand
238
00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:24,919
♪ Jones the Delivery Boy
239
00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:27,039
♪ I beat the devil on that day
240
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,079
♪ I drank from life's sweet cup
241
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:31,439
♪ Because there ain't no Jones
the Delivery Boy
242
00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:33,000
♪ I made the sucker up
243
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:40,360
♪ I beat the devil,
beat the devil, beat the devil. ♪
244
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:45,200
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
245
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:57,079
I'm just thinking I might use this
246
00:12:57,080 --> 00:13:00,279
like the old-style comics used
to do a rimshot after a joke.
247
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:01,799
You know, they'd do a joke
and they'd go,
248
00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:03,279
"Badum-tsh," like that.
249
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:06,759
This is more of a sort
of a new-age rimshot, isn't it?
250
00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:07,839
I could do an old-style joke.
251
00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:09,999
I went for a innuendoscopy.
He said, "Where do you want it?"
252
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,359
I said, "Wouldn't you like to know?"
253
00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:12,360
HE PLAYS DRUM
254
00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:18,399
Just a brief word about comedy, though.
255
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,959
I mean, it's very important.
We need comedy, right?
256
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:23,520
We need it, you know, it's important.
257
00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:27,319
We need comedy to fight back
against the forces of racism.
258
00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:29,639
Right? We need that!
259
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,159
My weapon of choice is the limerick,
260
00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:34,719
much underused
in the battle against racism.
261
00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:37,599
So, here we go.
The fightback starts here.
262
00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:39,519
I once played a game of Yahtzee...
263
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:41,839
Look, it's a tricky thing to rhyme,
all right?
264
00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:44,400
LAUGHTER
265
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,199
I once played a game of Yahtzee
266
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:52,999
With a man who was clearly a Nazi
267
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,199
He threw a four
268
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:55,239
Then he walked out the door
269
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:56,919
Because the black dots on the
white dice annoyed him,
270
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,720
As it was black and white, working
together in a meaningful way.
271
00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:08,599
Yeah, comedy is very important.
Jokes are important.
272
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,719
Jokes are historical. I mean,
one of the great classics of jokes,
273
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:14,759
the joke format, the knock-knock
joke is rooted in history.
274
00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:16,399
Anyone know where it comes from? You.
275
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:19,839
Where does it come from?
No? No-one? No, no idea?
276
00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:20,999
No? Front door.
277
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:22,919
Beg pardon? The front door.
The what sorry?
278
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:24,040
The front door?
279
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:38,480
No, I like it. It's a good answer,
but...
280
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:41,879
So what you're saying is,
without the door,
281
00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:44,679
there would be no knock-knock jokes.
Is that what you're saying?
282
00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:45,919
So really, what we're asking,
283
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:47,759
the question is, when were doors
invented?
284
00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:49,119
That's really...
285
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:51,599
Because surely
the knock-knock joke followed
286
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:53,479
in pretty short order after that.
287
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,199
"I've invented a door."
"Wait a minute.
288
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:57,240
"I see an opportunity for hilarity".
289
00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:03,439
Anyone else?
The porter scene, Macbeth.
290
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:05,519
Ooh, now, that is very good
knowledge.
291
00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:08,519
Excellent work, sir. Yes.
The porter scene from Macbeth.
292
00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:10,479
The porter wakes up with a hangover,
293
00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:12,679
pretends to be the keeper of
the gates of hell.
294
00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:14,600
We've all done it. And, uh...
295
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,039
He creates this scene where he goes,
296
00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:21,199
"Knock, knock." "Who's
there in the name of Beelzebub?"
297
00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:25,159
"Here's a farmer who's hanged
himself in expectation of plenty."
298
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:27,320
It's not hilarious, but, um...
299
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:31,839
...then again, a lot of Shakespearean
jokes aren't really, are they?
300
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:34,759
"I went to town in a galliard,
I came home in a coranto."
301
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:37,879
Ha! Nothing. So...
302
00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:40,120
"Taxi for Shakespeare."
You know, it's...
303
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:43,679
One year, we were
opening some crackers
304
00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:45,479
and a knock-knock joke came out.
305
00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:48,359
My wife attempted to say it,
but it went wrong somehow.
306
00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:49,879
She contrived to get it wrong.
307
00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:52,279
She picked up a little bit
of paper with a joke on it.
308
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:53,479
She looked at it and she said,
309
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:54,560
"Who's there?"
310
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:02,240
Whereupon the person she was telling
the joke to said, "Knock-knock?"
311
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:08,800
Then my wife said, "Who?"
312
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:14,639
And to this day,
313
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:16,800
that's one of the finest knock-knock
jokes I've ever heard.
314
00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:24,119
BORIS JOHNSON: You can't eat chicken
in a onesie.
315
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:25,640
Yeah. Well, um, now...
316
00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:29,919
Look, what is this, like,
the mediaeval news?
317
00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:31,720
JAUNTY STRING MUSIC
318
00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:36,960
"Today, demons were driven from an
agitated pig in Gloucester." So...
319
00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:41,439
Anyone here in a relationship?
320
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:43,079
SOME CHEERS
321
00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:45,719
Oh, about seven or eight people.
Uh...
322
00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:49,559
The rest of you,
just singles looking for love.
323
00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:51,079
Is that right?
324
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:53,999
Yeah. Wow, you thought going
to a Bill Bailey gig,
325
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:55,040
that's where you're...
326
00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:00,880
...pick up someone, yeah.
327
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:04,279
Yes. OK. All right. Anyone?
328
00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:05,879
You. What about you?
329
00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:08,119
STAMMERS: Are you in a
rela... uh... you know, liais...
330
00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:09,919
You know, with... uh?
331
00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:12,199
Is it all, uh, all fine?
332
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:16,319
No, maybe this isn't the forum
to discuss that, but, uh...
333
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:19,399
Thing is, right, my wife and
I recently celebrated
334
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,879
20 years of marriage, and so what I
thought I'd...
335
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:23,439
CHEERING
Thank you.
336
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:26,559
And so what I thought I'd do,
I'd write a poem to commemorate this
337
00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,759
particular watershed
in our relationship.
338
00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:29,839
It's called Love.
339
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:33,599
This may ring a bell with you
or anyone from,
340
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:37,920
you know, whatever end of the sexual
buffet you choose to graze.
341
00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:45,439
Which I can guarantee you
that those words are the first
342
00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:47,760
time they've been uttered
from this stage, right?
343
00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:51,879
♪ Whichever
Whichever
344
00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:53,239
♪ End of the sexual
345
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,239
♪ Buffer you choose to graze
You choose to graze
346
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,879
♪ You choose to graze
You choose to graze
347
00:17:57,880 --> 00:17:59,159
♪ You choose to graze
348
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,879
♪ From the sexual
buffer you choose to graze
349
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,599
♪ Which is the end
Which is the end
350
00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:05,319
♪ Which is the end,
O, which is the end
351
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:09,199
♪ Which is the end of the sexual
buffer you choose to graze? ♪
352
00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:10,880
CHEERING
Something like that.
353
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:13,160
Anyway...
354
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:16,639
...here it is. It's called Love.
355
00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:19,279
Hey, you are my world.
Yeah.
356
00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:20,879
Where'd you put my keys?
357
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:22,079
I don't have them.
358
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:23,839
Yes, you've got them in your bag.
359
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:26,079
No.
Definitely.
Nope.
360
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:28,239
Well, that's the only place they
might be.
361
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,079
What about the hook
where they normally are?
362
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:32,120
What?
Have you looked there?
No.
363
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:43,399
All right, then.
364
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:46,079
All right, then, let's have
a bit of class in proceedings.
365
00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:50,439
One of the great operatic arias,
La Habanera,
366
00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:56,479
has this wonderful sort of mix
of major and minor, you know,
367
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,839
from Bizet's Carmen, when it
goes from
368
00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:00,159
HE PLAYS MINOR CHORD
...to the...
369
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:01,519
HE PLAYS MAJOR CHORD
...to the major...
370
00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:02,679
HE PLAYS MINOR CHORD
...to the minor again.
371
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:05,839
It's a beautiful demonstration of
the fickle nature of love.
372
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:08,239
I can't do it justice without
an opera singer.
373
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:10,879
So will you please welcome
as a special treat,
374
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:13,720
the wonderful, Florence Hvorostovsky.
375
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:59,039
Ladies and gentlemen,
Florence Hvorostovsky!
376
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:03,280
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
377
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:08,000
Thank you so much.
Florence Hvorostovsky, there.
378
00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:17,120
What a treat! So, please bring
on the bells of opera.
379
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:26,200
TO THE TUNE OF NESSUN DORMA
380
00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:25,399
Seeing as we're on a bit
of a nostalgic tip,
381
00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:28,799
I'd like to delve into my past
and sing you
382
00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:32,160
a song from my youth growing
up in the West Country.
383
00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:34,959
One of my favourite songs of
that time.
384
00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:39,279
This is Old MacDonald Had A Farm,
385
00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:43,719
but sung in the style of the
bluesman, Tom Waits.
386
00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:46,280
HE PLAYS BLUES SCALE
387
00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:01,680
♪ Old MacDonald
388
00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:08,439
♪ Sick of the farm
389
00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:11,319
♪ Wants a new life
390
00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:15,239
♪ A new place to go
391
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:17,519
♪ Yes, he does now
392
00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:22,120
♪ But if you strip away the
consonants
393
00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:25,960
♪ From new directions
394
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:28,439
♪ You're left with
395
00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:33,440
♪ E, I, O
396
00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:42,520
♪ Well, Old MacDonald
397
00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:48,440
♪ Trying to make it right with his
kids
398
00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:55,119
♪ Should have done it a long time ago
399
00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:57,479
♪ They've all grown
up and moved away now
400
00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:59,599
♪ Old MacDonald moved into banking
401
00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:03,120
♪ And has avoided
the agricultural sector
402
00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:10,680
♪ Suck out the vowels
from reinvention
403
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,159
♪ You get E, I
404
00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:20,400
♪ E, I, O
405
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:24,759
♪ No more echoes on the farm
406
00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:27,200
♪ On the farm, on the farm, on the
farm
407
00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:33,000
♪ No more duck sounds in the air
408
00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:41,280
♪ There's a quack-quack here
409
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:49,760
♪ But there's no quack-quack there
410
00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:57,399
♪ Drunk on the insurance money
411
00:24:57,400 --> 00:24:59,880
♪ From torching the farm
412
00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:04,479
♪ Old MacDonald lies
413
00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:06,039
♪ In a hospital bed
414
00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:09,160
♪ Next to a guy with
a compass in his head
415
00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:17,799
♪ And sitting there looking
at his leg infection
416
00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:21,439
♪ Thinking about his old friend
His nemesis
417
00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:27,200
♪ E, I, E, I, O. ♪
418
00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:41,599
Comedy. It gets me around, you know.
419
00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:45,239
One of the sort of things I do when
I'm on tour as a hobby,
420
00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:49,160
I collect Google reviews
of Poundland stores.
421
00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:55,359
Honestly, seriously,
422
00:25:55,360 --> 00:25:56,759
if you've got a spare minute,
423
00:25:56,760 --> 00:26:00,640
it's the gift that keeps on giving.
It really is.
424
00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:08,239
It gives you a wonderful glimpse into
the world of British society.
425
00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:12,679
Here are a few genuine reviews
of Poundland stores in Britain.
426
00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:15,560
"Five stars. Loads of stuff
for a pound."
427
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:22,440
Somebody felt the need to
put that in there.
428
00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:25,760
"Four stars. I stole from here."
429
00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:33,039
"Three stars. Dirty baskets!"
430
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:36,479
I don't know whether that's
a euphemism for something dirty.
431
00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:38,080
"Ooh, dirty baskets." I don't know.
432
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:42,400
I love this one. "Two stars.
The staff were very common."
433
00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:51,439
My favourite, a one-star, one-word
review -
434
00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:52,520
"Overpriced."
435
00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:58,239
I look for the little sort of
glimmers of hope.
436
00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:00,439
And sometimes you find them, right?
437
00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:03,799
Someone has taken the trouble to set
up a Twitter account
438
00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:07,799
in the name of Samuel Pepys,
the 17th-century London diarist.
439
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:12,079
Right? So the Twitter feed is just
genuine extracts
440
00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:14,399
from Pepys's diary,
which is a beautiful thing.
441
00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:16,119
But of course, this being Twitter,
442
00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:18,319
there's a lot of people
that've never heard of Samuel Pepys,
443
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:21,360
so they just think it's some old
bloke talking in a weird way.
444
00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:26,119
So you get these fantastic
exchanges, like this one.
445
00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:28,319
This is an entry from 1665.
446
00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:31,320
"I was mightily troubled with
a looseness." Right.
447
00:27:36,120 --> 00:27:40,039
"And feeling for the chamber pot,
there was none.
448
00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:42,439
"I, having called the maid
up out of her bed -
449
00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:44,799
"she had forgot, I suppose,
to put one there.
450
00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:47,599
"So I was forced
in this strange house
451
00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:50,360
"to rise
and shit in the chimney twice.
452
00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:06,840
And somebody replied,
"Been there, bruv. Been there."
453
00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:20,199
So if you know anybody called
Adam Hodgson,
454
00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:22,920
don't let him stay in your spare
room. That's my advice.
455
00:28:27,440 --> 00:28:31,359
Suddenly I find myself,
you know, pictures in the tabl...
456
00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:33,919
"Ooh, Bill Bailey,
what he's wearing, what he's doing."
457
00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:35,239
And you become a commodity.
458
00:28:35,240 --> 00:28:37,679
And you know, things that you do and
say and wear
459
00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:40,119
are worth money -
sometimes a lot of money.
460
00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:43,239
You know, video footage,
sort of intemperate comments,
461
00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:45,399
suddenly they're in the tabloids,
you know.
462
00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:48,679
And this came to a head
quite dramatically
463
00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:52,839
when I received a message via Twitter
from someone unknown to me.
464
00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:55,199
And he said,
"Bill, I just thought I'd warn you.
465
00:28:55,200 --> 00:28:59,159
"Here are some screenshots of emails
I've sent to The Sun newspaper."
466
00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:01,879
And I was like - immediately,
my heart starts going like this -
467
00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:06,359
"Oh, my God, what have I done?
Have I misidentified a hawk moth?"
468
00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:09,159
And then...
469
00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:12,599
So then, the first email, right -
this is all true, right?
470
00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:15,079
It said, "Dear, The Sun newspaper,
471
00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:18,799
"I have some compromising
video footage of Bill Bailey.
472
00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:20,199
"Would you be interested?" Right?
473
00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:22,759
So The Sun came back in short order.
"Yes, we would.
474
00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:25,319
"What is the nature
of this video footage?" Right?
475
00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:26,999
And this is what he wrote.
This is what he wrote.
476
00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:29,159
He said, "I was walking
in the countryside
477
00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:31,559
"and I heard a commotion
in a nearby field.
478
00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:35,359
"I looked through the hedge
and there was TV's Bill Bailey
479
00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:38,159
"trying to get on
the back of a llama." All right?
480
00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:40,199
LAUGHTER
481
00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:42,079
"He was clearly intoxicated.
482
00:29:42,080 --> 00:29:44,839
"He was swigging from a bottle
of Jack Daniels.
483
00:29:44,840 --> 00:29:46,919
"When he saw me, he became abusive
484
00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:51,599
"and shouting an Apache war cry,
chased me across the field.
485
00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:53,359
"Would you be interested
in this footage?"
486
00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:54,399
And they came back and said,
487
00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:55,999
"Yes, we'd be very interested
in the footage."
488
00:29:56,000 --> 00:29:58,439
And he said, "How much
would you be prepared to pay?"
489
00:29:58,440 --> 00:30:02,919
And they came back straight away.
The opening bid, £20,000. All right?
490
00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:04,559
So the bloke messaged me and he said,
491
00:30:04,560 --> 00:30:06,480
"Do you fancy doing it
and we'll split the money?"
492
00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:10,560
APPLAUSE
493
00:30:19,840 --> 00:30:21,520
I mean, it's tempting, right?
494
00:30:22,840 --> 00:30:25,600
Keep your eyes peeled on YouTube,
that's what I'm saying.
495
00:30:32,600 --> 00:30:34,639
APPLAUSE
496
00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:36,759
One of the great things
about this job is you get to travel.
497
00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:38,759
You know,
you get an idea about a place,
498
00:30:38,760 --> 00:30:39,919
you get a sense of a place.
499
00:30:39,920 --> 00:30:41,839
Sometimes from just
your first arrival,
500
00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:43,719
in the airport or whatever.
501
00:30:43,720 --> 00:30:46,799
Australia, a very friendly place.
Australians are very friendly.
502
00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:48,799
It's a very friendly country,
once you're in.
503
00:30:48,800 --> 00:30:52,519
But getting into Australia can be
a little problematic, you know?
504
00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:54,999
They have very, very strict customs.
Incredibly strict.
505
00:30:55,000 --> 00:30:56,719
They ask you loads
and loads of questions.
506
00:30:56,720 --> 00:30:57,919
They're quite brusque.
507
00:30:57,920 --> 00:31:00,199
When I arrived in Melbourne once,
this bloke looked at me
508
00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:02,239
and he goes...
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "Right."
509
00:31:02,240 --> 00:31:03,599
And he goes,
"Have you got tuberculosis?"
510
00:31:03,600 --> 00:31:05,119
I was like, "Uh! Er, w..."
511
00:31:05,120 --> 00:31:07,119
Straight out of the traps.
You know, you feel nervous.
512
00:31:07,120 --> 00:31:09,879
"Well, I've got a bit of a tickle.
I've got a bit of a tickle. Um..."
513
00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:11,919
And then they're obsessed with farms.
514
00:31:11,920 --> 00:31:13,759
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:
"You been on a farm recently?
515
00:31:13,760 --> 00:31:14,999
"Do you know any farmers?
516
00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:16,479
"Have you fallen asleep
under a horse,
517
00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:18,600
"and the horse
has drooled into your eye?"
518
00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:24,759
"You ever kissed anyone you weren't
in a relationship with?"
519
00:31:24,760 --> 00:31:26,999
"You ever fallen in love
with someone you shouldn't have?
520
00:31:27,000 --> 00:31:29,359
"Have you ever fallen for someone
so hard
521
00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:31,519
"that you'd walk through fire
for them,
522
00:31:31,520 --> 00:31:34,159
"but then they go to Thailand
with a fitness instructor
523
00:31:34,160 --> 00:31:35,479
"and your heart freezes,
524
00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:37,839
"and the slightest touch'd shatter it
into a million pieces?"
525
00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:39,640
"No." "Welcome to Australia."
526
00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:46,239
Some places... some places are very
friendly.
527
00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:48,999
Sweden. That's a very friendly place.
It's actually almost too friendly.
528
00:31:49,000 --> 00:31:50,799
You know?
They're, like, ridiculously friendly.
529
00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:52,839
They're like...
SWEDISH ACCENT: "Hey! OK!"
530
00:31:52,840 --> 00:31:55,519
You're like, "All right, back off."
HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY
531
00:31:55,520 --> 00:31:58,599
This one guy said to me, he goes,
"OK. You come to Sweden, yeah?"
532
00:31:58,600 --> 00:31:59,639
"Yeah." "OK."
533
00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:04,999
He goes, "OK, one more question,
and you can come into Sweden!"
534
00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:07,039
LAUGHTER
OK...
535
00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:09,320
"Hope you get it right. So...
536
00:32:10,760 --> 00:32:13,279
"..have you said anything mean
about anybody in the last month?"
537
00:32:13,280 --> 00:32:15,320
"No." "OK. Welcome to Sweden!"
538
00:32:18,400 --> 00:32:19,959
South Africa - a little bit
different.
539
00:32:19,960 --> 00:32:21,599
I think I might... Do you know what?
540
00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:24,999
I just think I got some bloke having
a bad day.
541
00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:27,479
I was in Cape Town Airport
and I was going through,
542
00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:28,879
and the bloke said,
"What's in the bag?"
543
00:32:28,880 --> 00:32:31,239
And I went,
"Er... Oh, it's just duty-free."
544
00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:35,039
SOUTH-AFRICAN ACCENT:
"Oh, duty-free, eh? Duty-free!"
545
00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:37,079
"Er, yeah. Yeah, it's duty-free."
546
00:32:37,080 --> 00:32:38,639
"Oh, all right. What's that, then?"
547
00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:39,679
"Er, Toblerone."
548
00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:43,919
"Toblerone, eh?! You think
you can bring Toblerone in here?"
549
00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:46,599
"Eh... Er... yeah.
What's wrong with that?"
550
00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:47,839
"It can be used as a weapon."
551
00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:48,879
"No, it can't."
552
00:32:48,880 --> 00:32:51,759
"Yeah, you put it in the freezer,
you get it nice and hard,
553
00:32:51,760 --> 00:32:53,759
"you whittle away with a sharp knife,
554
00:32:53,760 --> 00:32:55,879
"and then you gaffer-tape it
to a stale baguette,
555
00:32:55,880 --> 00:32:57,319
"you have a formidable weapon."
556
00:32:57,320 --> 00:32:58,800
"You're just a nutter."
557
00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:05,959
People are obsessed
with this country, aren't they?
558
00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:06,999
They're obsessed with Britain.
559
00:33:07,000 --> 00:33:08,519
We love a bit of mischievousness,
560
00:33:08,520 --> 00:33:12,039
we love to deliberately
spike something, make it go wrong.
561
00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:14,159
"Oh-ho-ho, whoops-a-daisy!"
562
00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:16,719
I was having dinner
in France with three Brits.
563
00:33:16,720 --> 00:33:19,759
A waiter dropped a full tray
of drinks, "Ger-juzz!" Like that.
564
00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:20,919
No-one batted an eyelid.
565
00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:23,999
The four Brits,
to a man, simultaneously,
566
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:28,640
"Wey-y-y! Loser! Butterfingers!"
567
00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:34,479
I was on a train, right.
In Britain, all right?
568
00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:37,399
We stopped, made an unscheduled stop
in a cutting, right?
569
00:33:37,400 --> 00:33:39,279
There was a smell of smoke
in the carriage,
570
00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:40,799
and everyone's like that,
"What's that?"
571
00:33:40,800 --> 00:33:41,919
An announcement came on...
572
00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:43,959
NASAL TONE:
"I apologise for the delay.
573
00:33:43,960 --> 00:33:45,879
"There appears to be
a slight technical problem.
574
00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:48,079
"We'll get that sorted out
as soon as we can."
575
00:33:48,080 --> 00:33:50,479
And he then... He forgot
to turn the microphone off.
576
00:33:50,480 --> 00:33:51,519
So then we heard this,
577
00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:53,800
"Gary! It's on fire.
What are we gonna do?!"
578
00:33:58,000 --> 00:34:00,599
The whole carriage just erup...
Cheered.
579
00:34:00,600 --> 00:34:03,680
"Wey! We're on fire! Woo-hoo!"
580
00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:06,799
People were texting their friends,
581
00:34:06,800 --> 00:34:09,920
"We're on fire. Lol.
On a train. Fire emoji. Ha-ha."
582
00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:14,039
German people are going,
583
00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:15,879
GERMAN ACCENT:
"We must evacuate the train."
584
00:34:15,880 --> 00:34:17,519
And all the Brits
are conga-ing up the carr...
585
00:34:17,520 --> 00:34:20,080
"We're on fire! Woo-hoo!"
586
00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:26,160
HE CHUCKLES
587
00:34:27,200 --> 00:34:31,119
One of the most chaotic
but beautiful places I've been to
588
00:34:31,120 --> 00:34:32,159
is Indonesia.
589
00:34:32,160 --> 00:34:34,719
Indonesia - a place of great beauty,
wonderful people,
590
00:34:34,720 --> 00:34:36,919
a place where the normal rules
don't apply, though.
591
00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:39,479
I mean, it's a place
where chaos reigns.
592
00:34:39,480 --> 00:34:41,319
It's the only...
I mean, things happen there
593
00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:43,199
that just don't happen
anywhere in the world.
594
00:34:43,200 --> 00:34:45,999
I was booked on a domestic flight
within Indonesia,
595
00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:50,279
and I got to the airport
and the flight had left early, right?
596
00:34:50,280 --> 00:34:51,280
Now...
597
00:34:55,080 --> 00:34:58,279
...I can't tell you how much
that blew my mind, right?
598
00:34:58,280 --> 00:35:00,319
HE STAMMERS
What?
599
00:35:00,320 --> 00:35:02,719
And he went, "Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They got most of the passengers on
600
00:35:02,720 --> 00:35:03,879
"and the weather was good,
601
00:35:03,880 --> 00:35:05,560
"so they thought they'd
sort of get ahead of themselves."
602
00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:13,879
I got on a little inter-island
hopper plane once in Indonesia.
603
00:35:13,880 --> 00:35:15,679
The safety chat
was a thing of beauty.
604
00:35:15,680 --> 00:35:17,479
The pilot was fiddling around
in the cockpit,
605
00:35:17,480 --> 00:35:19,079
and then he turned round like that
606
00:35:19,080 --> 00:35:21,840
and seemed genuinely surprised
to see passengers.
607
00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:29,120
And then he just went,
"All right?" Like that.
608
00:35:30,440 --> 00:35:32,799
What are we gonna do?
"Mm, OK. You're the boss."
609
00:35:32,800 --> 00:35:33,800
Br-r-r-oom!
610
00:35:35,880 --> 00:35:38,959
I was there to make a documentary.
611
00:35:38,960 --> 00:35:44,719
We were trying to film the dance
of the red bird-of-paradise. One...
612
00:35:44,720 --> 00:35:46,159
This extraordinary bird.
613
00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:49,879
It dwells in the deep jungles
of Eastern Indonesia.
614
00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:51,479
Very few people have even seen it.
615
00:35:51,480 --> 00:35:54,039
And it performs
this extraordinary dance.
616
00:35:54,040 --> 00:35:56,559
It's a preposterously plumed bird, right?
617
00:35:56,560 --> 00:35:58,919
It's wires and feathers and plumage.
618
00:35:58,920 --> 00:36:02,599
It's got a look on its face that
says, "I should be extinct." Right?
619
00:36:02,600 --> 00:36:04,639
I mean, it's just...
620
00:36:04,640 --> 00:36:07,239
It seems bemused
by its own longevity.
621
00:36:07,240 --> 00:36:11,759
And every morning at dawn,
in the deep jungle,
622
00:36:11,760 --> 00:36:14,839
at the top of a jungle canopy,
120ft up,
623
00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:18,639
it performs an elaborate dance
to get a mate, right?
624
00:36:18,640 --> 00:36:21,519
Every morning at dawn.
Can you imagine, fellas?
625
00:36:21,520 --> 00:36:25,160
Every morning, having to get up -
"Oh, for goodness... Here we go."
626
00:36:26,200 --> 00:36:28,200
FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS
627
00:36:58,040 --> 00:37:00,079
FUNKY MUSIC STOPS
Like that. Every morning.
628
00:37:00,080 --> 00:37:02,000
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
629
00:37:05,800 --> 00:37:06,800
Yeah. Er...
630
00:37:08,880 --> 00:37:10,999
The thing is, right, I didn't get to
see it.
631
00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:13,839
Because you have to be pulled up
in a harness, 120ft up,
632
00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:15,159
to see this dance.
633
00:37:15,160 --> 00:37:17,399
There was no way
I'm getting in this harness,
634
00:37:17,400 --> 00:37:21,399
because, um, I had, well -
not to put too fine a point in it -
635
00:37:21,400 --> 00:37:23,520
I was much troubled with a looseness.
636
00:37:30,680 --> 00:37:35,599
So the thought of being hoisted
120ft up in a harness,
637
00:37:35,600 --> 00:37:37,480
above my friends and family...
638
00:37:40,880 --> 00:37:42,760
"Let us never speak of this again."
639
00:37:44,120 --> 00:37:45,199
But when I'm in a country,
640
00:37:45,200 --> 00:37:47,159
I like to be able to speak
a bit of the language, you know?
641
00:37:47,160 --> 00:37:51,279
So I bought a little phrasebook,
an Indonesian phrasebook,
642
00:37:51,280 --> 00:37:52,879
called Practical Dialogues.
643
00:37:52,880 --> 00:37:55,119
But I've got to tell you,
these are not...
644
00:37:55,120 --> 00:37:57,399
These are not practical in any way.
645
00:37:57,400 --> 00:38:00,039
HE SIGHS
Or not even dialogues, a lot of them.
646
00:38:00,040 --> 00:38:03,119
It just feels like
you're in some weird kind of,
647
00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:06,879
sort of, almost like a Brechtian
sort of parallel universe.
648
00:38:06,880 --> 00:38:08,999
The conversation seemed loaded
with something else.
649
00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:11,279
This one just says,
"I need some fresh fruit."
650
00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:12,519
But it seems there's...
651
00:38:12,520 --> 00:38:15,199
There's something else.
There's a subtext going on.
652
00:38:15,200 --> 00:38:18,160
"I need some fresh fruit."
"You seem to like fruit."
653
00:38:20,240 --> 00:38:21,679
"I like fruit very much."
654
00:38:21,680 --> 00:38:22,839
"What kind of fruit do you like?"
655
00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:23,879
"Apples."
656
00:38:23,880 --> 00:38:24,919
"What about bananas?"
657
00:38:24,920 --> 00:38:25,920
"Yes."
658
00:38:29,000 --> 00:38:30,999
Some of them feel like
you're in a psychodrama.
659
00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:33,920
"Tell me why you didn't say hello
to Lucy yesterday."
660
00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:37,119
"Because I didn't want to."
661
00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:38,159
"What's going on?"
662
00:38:38,160 --> 00:38:39,199
"Nothing."
663
00:38:39,200 --> 00:38:40,279
"Did she annoy you?" "No."
664
00:38:40,280 --> 00:38:41,840
"You are hiding something."
665
00:38:45,440 --> 00:38:47,000
I just came in for toothpaste.
666
00:38:49,080 --> 00:38:51,039
This one's called It Burns.
667
00:38:51,040 --> 00:38:53,079
All right?
668
00:38:53,080 --> 00:38:54,599
"What does fire do?"
669
00:38:54,600 --> 00:38:55,959
"It burns."
670
00:38:55,960 --> 00:38:57,279
"What catches fire?"
671
00:38:57,280 --> 00:38:59,360
"Paper, hair, cotton."
672
00:39:01,440 --> 00:39:02,799
"What is a fire alarm?"
673
00:39:02,800 --> 00:39:05,839
"An apparatus for making know
the outbreak of fire."
674
00:39:05,840 --> 00:39:07,359
"Is fire destructive?"
675
00:39:07,360 --> 00:39:09,840
"When fire is angry, it can destroy."
676
00:39:11,920 --> 00:39:13,920
OK, cheers. Er...
677
00:39:14,960 --> 00:39:18,679
This is perhaps my favourite.
"What is yoga?" All right?
678
00:39:18,680 --> 00:39:20,599
There's no preamble,
like, "Are you into fitness?
679
00:39:20,600 --> 00:39:24,720
"Do you like fitness?"
No. Just that. "What is yoga?"
680
00:39:25,880 --> 00:39:27,279
You imagine you're sitting on a plane
681
00:39:27,280 --> 00:39:29,719
and the person sitting next to you
just turns to you randomly
682
00:39:29,720 --> 00:39:32,399
and says to you, "What is yoga?"
683
00:39:32,400 --> 00:39:34,039
You'd be pushing the button,
wouldn't you?
684
00:39:34,040 --> 00:39:36,879
Like, ding, ding, ding, ding!
"Help! There's a nutter."
685
00:39:36,880 --> 00:39:40,159
And... But in this world,
people are very obliging.
686
00:39:40,160 --> 00:39:41,559
"What is yoga?"
687
00:39:41,560 --> 00:39:44,439
"It is a Hindu system of meditation
and self-control."
688
00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:45,879
"What it is intended for?"
689
00:39:45,880 --> 00:39:47,599
"To produce mystical experience
690
00:39:47,600 --> 00:39:50,599
"and the union of the individual soul
with the universal spirit."
691
00:39:50,600 --> 00:39:52,560
"Is your sister still in India?"
692
00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:56,640
APPLAUSE
693
00:39:59,520 --> 00:40:01,359
Makes no sense. Right...
694
00:40:01,360 --> 00:40:03,399
So, when...
HE CHUCKLES
695
00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:06,759
So, when I'm playing music, right,
I like to play in the minor key.
696
00:40:06,760 --> 00:40:09,759
The minor key...
More powerful than the major key...
697
00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:11,439
The major key - too eager to please.
698
00:40:11,440 --> 00:40:14,599
♪ Like me, like me, like me, like me
I'm the major key. ♪
699
00:40:14,600 --> 00:40:16,120
No. Back off, all right?
700
00:40:18,200 --> 00:40:21,319
The minor key... Much more evocative.
701
00:40:21,320 --> 00:40:23,599
Some of the world's greatest music -
written in the minor key.
702
00:40:23,600 --> 00:40:24,919
Fur Elise, A minor.
703
00:40:24,920 --> 00:40:26,920
PLAYS FUR ELISE
704
00:40:27,960 --> 00:40:29,079
In the major key, not so much.
705
00:40:29,080 --> 00:40:31,080
PLAYS JAUNTY FUR ELISE
706
00:40:42,240 --> 00:40:44,879
No. I mean, it just...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
707
00:40:44,880 --> 00:40:47,240
It sounds like
a Bavarian milking song. Now...
708
00:40:49,320 --> 00:40:51,879
You know, songs that are upbeat
in their lyric
709
00:40:51,880 --> 00:40:54,759
tend to be accompanied
by a major key, like...
710
00:40:54,760 --> 00:40:59,679
MERRILY: # You are my sunshine
My only sunshine... ♪
711
00:40:59,680 --> 00:41:02,399
No. I want to hear it
in the minor key, sung with contempt.
712
00:41:02,400 --> 00:41:07,559
GLOOMILY: # You make me happy
when skies are grey
713
00:41:07,560 --> 00:41:12,360
♪ You'll never know, dear
How much I love you... ♪
714
00:41:14,440 --> 00:41:15,879
Now, I know what you're thinking.
715
00:41:15,880 --> 00:41:17,559
"Why don't you sing it in German,
Bill?"
716
00:41:17,560 --> 00:41:18,560
All right, then.
717
00:41:20,640 --> 00:41:24,279
♪ Du bist mein Sonnenschein
718
00:41:24,280 --> 00:41:26,439
♪ Mein einziger Sonnenschein... ♪
719
00:41:26,440 --> 00:41:27,799
Right, everybody join in!
720
00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:29,320
♪ Du m... # All right?
721
00:41:31,400 --> 00:41:34,119
♪ Du machst mich glucklich
722
00:41:34,120 --> 00:41:37,039
♪ Wenn der Himmel grau ist
AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME
723
00:41:37,040 --> 00:41:39,559
♪ Du wirst niemals wissen
724
00:41:39,560 --> 00:41:42,239
♪ Wie sehr ich dich liebe
725
00:41:42,240 --> 00:41:45,439
♪ Bitte nimm meinen Sonnenschein
nicht weg. ♪
726
00:41:45,440 --> 00:41:46,879
Jawohl!
727
00:41:46,880 --> 00:41:48,919
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ausgezeichnet!
728
00:41:48,920 --> 00:41:50,479
Do we have some German speakers
here tonight?
729
00:41:50,480 --> 00:41:51,519
Bisschen Deutsch, ja?
730
00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:53,559
CHEERING
731
00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:56,199
Wow. Way more German than I thought.
732
00:41:56,200 --> 00:41:58,239
What a reaction to that.
733
00:41:58,240 --> 00:42:01,040
I should have been doing it in German
from the beginning.
734
00:42:02,120 --> 00:42:03,239
All right, then.
I'm going to do that.
735
00:42:03,240 --> 00:42:06,119
I'm going to start the show again
and see how far I get.
736
00:42:06,120 --> 00:42:08,239
So, here we go.
Let's German it up a bit.
737
00:42:08,240 --> 00:42:11,279
DRUM ROLLS
Willkommen, Bill Bailey!
738
00:42:11,280 --> 00:42:13,280
BAVARIAN MUSIC PLAYS
739
00:42:14,360 --> 00:42:16,399
CHEERING
740
00:42:16,400 --> 00:42:18,400
AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME
741
00:42:19,520 --> 00:42:23,199
Jawohl! Willkommen!
Ich heisse Bill Bailey.
742
00:42:23,200 --> 00:42:24,759
{\an8}Ich habe eine Wunderbin...
743
00:42:24,760 --> 00:42:26,799
{\an8}ANGELIC CHOIR
744
00:42:26,800 --> 00:42:27,880
Ja.
745
00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:38,959
Und ein Reichsministerrandomization.
746
00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:41,200
BORIS JOHNSON: Spondylus. Oh. Er...
747
00:42:43,880 --> 00:42:48,960
Ja! Ich fur ein innuendoscopy
haben gehen machen.
748
00:42:50,880 --> 00:42:53,199
Er sagt, "Wo willst du es?" Ja.
749
00:42:53,200 --> 00:42:54,960
STRUGGLES: "Du... du willst..."
750
00:42:56,200 --> 00:42:57,240
So...
751
00:42:58,240 --> 00:42:59,599
Ich habe ein Theremin, ja?
752
00:42:59,600 --> 00:43:02,559
THEREMIN NOTE PLAYS
Ja. Man kann mit dem Kopf spielen.
753
00:43:02,560 --> 00:43:04,439
Ja?
THEREMIN NOTE PLAYS
754
00:43:04,440 --> 00:43:06,959
Mit dem Kopf!
HE WHEEZES WITH LAUGHTER
755
00:43:06,960 --> 00:43:09,199
Ich habe ein bisschen Musikalkomedie.
756
00:43:09,200 --> 00:43:12,360
SLIDE WHISTLE NOTE PLAYS
Wahey! Woo-pla!
757
00:43:20,200 --> 00:43:21,720
Was ist Joga?
758
00:43:26,840 --> 00:43:29,319
Das rotes Paradiesvogel
759
00:43:29,320 --> 00:43:33,920
das... das wohnt auf dem Kopf
von der Dschungelbaum...
760
00:43:35,120 --> 00:43:37,160
...und... und...
761
00:43:39,600 --> 00:43:42,719
...und jedes Morgens Herr Vogel
762
00:43:42,720 --> 00:43:46,360
macht einen spezial Sextanz. Zu...
763
00:43:49,040 --> 00:43:51,599
...treffen mit Fraulein Vogel.
764
00:43:51,600 --> 00:43:55,199
"Ooh, Herr Vogel! Du hast
ein sextanz gemacht..."
765
00:43:55,200 --> 00:43:59,239
"Ja. Ich will einen Sextanz machen,
ja!. Hier, komm hier."
766
00:43:59,240 --> 00:44:01,240
TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS
767
00:44:05,840 --> 00:44:07,199
♪ Eins
768
00:44:07,200 --> 00:44:08,959
♪ Zwei
769
00:44:08,960 --> 00:44:12,799
♪ Eins, zwei, drei, vier, funf...
770
00:44:12,800 --> 00:44:15,559
♪ Sex mit dem vogel
Sex mit dem vogel
771
00:44:15,560 --> 00:44:17,159
♪ Sex hier, sex hier
772
00:44:17,160 --> 00:44:18,919
♪ Auf dem Dschungelbaum
773
00:44:18,920 --> 00:44:22,279
♪ Wo ist der vogel?
Wo ist der vogel?
774
00:44:22,280 --> 00:44:23,759
♪ Sex hier, sex hier
775
00:44:23,760 --> 00:44:25,519
♪ Das ist die Vogeltanz! ♪
776
00:44:25,520 --> 00:44:27,520
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
777
00:44:34,960 --> 00:44:38,239
Aber, man muss in einem Schlinge
gehoben
778
00:44:38,240 --> 00:44:40,599
zu sehen... zu sehen der Tanz,
779
00:44:40,600 --> 00:44:43,079
und ich kann nicht in die
Schlinge gehen.
780
00:44:43,080 --> 00:44:45,840
Ich habe ein problem mit
meinem arsch.
781
00:44:50,640 --> 00:44:52,480
Mein arschenwacker ist kaputt.
782
00:44:55,960 --> 00:44:57,039
Right, that's enough of that.
783
00:44:57,040 --> 00:44:59,119
OK. Right.
784
00:44:59,120 --> 00:45:01,400
So...
APPLAUSE
785
00:45:04,040 --> 00:45:07,439
Now, the American national anthem.
Very bold, very stirring music.
786
00:45:07,440 --> 00:45:10,919
MUSIC: The Star Spangled Banner
787
00:45:10,920 --> 00:45:12,039
You know, it's kind of like...
788
00:45:12,040 --> 00:45:15,039
Gives you very stirring feelings
of pride and nationalism.
789
00:45:15,040 --> 00:45:18,199
But if you play it in the minor key,
it changes it completely.
790
00:45:18,200 --> 00:45:20,200
HE PLAYS THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER
791
00:45:23,440 --> 00:45:24,760
Makes it sound a bit Russian.
792
00:45:26,520 --> 00:45:28,199
So I'm just...
793
00:45:28,200 --> 00:45:30,280
...#JustSaying, right...
794
00:45:32,640 --> 00:45:33,759
I love America, though.
795
00:45:33,760 --> 00:45:37,199
I'd love to be in one of
those great big American
796
00:45:37,200 --> 00:45:40,119
kind of action franchises.
797
00:45:40,120 --> 00:45:41,679
I love Jason Bourne as well.
798
00:45:41,680 --> 00:45:42,959
My favourite action hero.
799
00:45:42,960 --> 00:45:44,319
Oh! He's fantastic.
800
00:45:44,320 --> 00:45:46,039
None of Bond's silly gadgets.
801
00:45:46,040 --> 00:45:47,719
Bourne, he improvises, doesn't he?
802
00:45:47,720 --> 00:45:50,079
You at him with a knife, he'll stick
a pen through your hand.
803
00:45:50,080 --> 00:45:51,239
You try and attack him,
804
00:45:51,240 --> 00:45:54,239
he'll put a hole punch through
the fleshy part of your upper arm.
805
00:45:54,240 --> 00:45:56,079
Ooh! That's got to sting.
806
00:45:56,080 --> 00:45:57,760
Stationery, that's his
weapon of choice.
807
00:45:59,000 --> 00:46:01,520
You corner him in a Ryman's,
you've got no chance.
808
00:46:02,920 --> 00:46:04,920
"He's laminated my hand! A-a-argh!"
809
00:46:06,840 --> 00:46:09,239
Staple your eyebrows to
the back of your neck.
810
00:46:09,240 --> 00:46:10,919
He's a demon.
811
00:46:10,920 --> 00:46:12,839
Jason Statham. Oh, he's another one.
812
00:46:12,840 --> 00:46:13,919
I love Jason Statham.
813
00:46:13,920 --> 00:46:14,959
The way he moves.
814
00:46:14,960 --> 00:46:16,399
He always moves in one plane.
815
00:46:16,400 --> 00:46:18,039
He just moves side to side like that.
816
00:46:18,040 --> 00:46:20,039
He comes out of a building,
he comes out sideways,
817
00:46:20,040 --> 00:46:21,639
flips around, and then
he moves like that.
818
00:46:21,640 --> 00:46:23,679
"Come on. All right, geezer?
All right, geezer?"
819
00:46:23,680 --> 00:46:26,280
You know, he's got a bit of crab
DNA in him, I reckon.
820
00:46:28,800 --> 00:46:30,159
I was doing a show once in LA
821
00:46:30,160 --> 00:46:31,959
and this producer came to see me
after the show.
822
00:46:31,960 --> 00:46:34,519
And he was very... very sort of,
you know, complimentary.
823
00:46:34,520 --> 00:46:36,679
He said, "Great show." He said,
"Let's meet and discuss projects."
824
00:46:36,680 --> 00:46:39,999
I was like, "OK...let's not blow
it, Bill. Come on.
825
00:46:40,000 --> 00:46:41,759
"You know, just try not to...
826
00:46:41,760 --> 00:46:44,719
"..try not to be English and
mischievous about this.
827
00:46:44,720 --> 00:46:46,359
"Try and play it straight," you know.
828
00:46:46,360 --> 00:46:49,159
But it didn't go very well
because we went for lunch
829
00:46:49,160 --> 00:46:50,239
and he said, "Great show."
830
00:46:50,240 --> 00:46:52,479
He said, "Look, I don't want to
blow smoke up your ass."
831
00:46:52,480 --> 00:46:53,679
And I said... I was nervous.
832
00:46:53,680 --> 00:46:54,919
So I went,
"Oh, thank goodness for that...
833
00:46:54,920 --> 00:46:56,079
HE WHEEZES WITH LAUGHTER
834
00:46:56,080 --> 00:46:58,999
"Yeah, that sounds disgusting."
HE WHEEZES WITH LAUGHTER
835
00:46:59,000 --> 00:47:00,319
And... but being American,
836
00:47:00,320 --> 00:47:02,759
he took me literally. He went,
"No, I'm not going to do that.
837
00:47:02,760 --> 00:47:03,919
"It is not... uh...
838
00:47:03,920 --> 00:47:05,999
"It's just an expression
to say that I do not..."
839
00:47:06,000 --> 00:47:07,679
And I was like, "Oh, for God's sake.
840
00:47:07,680 --> 00:47:10,719
"Yes, I know what it... Oh, Christ,
I know what it means."
841
00:47:10,720 --> 00:47:12,719
And then I just got annoyed
and mischievous
842
00:47:12,720 --> 00:47:13,919
and I just played it straight back.
843
00:47:13,920 --> 00:47:15,919
I said, "Yeah, it'd be very difficult
to do, wouldn't it?
844
00:47:15,920 --> 00:47:18,559
"I'd have to stand on a chair
or a table or a...
845
00:47:18,560 --> 00:47:22,039
"..a raised plinth and then
remove my trousers
846
00:47:22,040 --> 00:47:23,119
"and pants and you...
847
00:47:23,120 --> 00:47:24,719
"..but you wouldn't actually
be able to blow
848
00:47:24,720 --> 00:47:25,919
"the smoke up my arse because
849
00:47:25,920 --> 00:47:28,039
"the sphincter's a very,
very tight muscle.
850
00:47:28,040 --> 00:47:30,319
"You... The smoke would just sort
of diffuse on the buttocks.
851
00:47:30,320 --> 00:47:31,399
"So you'd probably have to get
852
00:47:31,400 --> 00:47:33,279
"a pipe up there or maybe a funnel.
853
00:47:33,280 --> 00:47:35,839
"Work that in and then
waft the smoke up
854
00:47:35,840 --> 00:47:38,159
"with a menu or something to hand,
855
00:47:38,160 --> 00:47:40,039
"and that way you would
achieve ingress
856
00:47:40,040 --> 00:47:42,439
"of smoke into the rectal area."
857
00:47:42,440 --> 00:47:43,679
And... uh...
858
00:47:43,680 --> 00:47:45,360
...I never saw him again after that.
That was it, really.
859
00:47:51,880 --> 00:47:52,920
So...
860
00:47:55,600 --> 00:47:56,879
This is a true story, actually.
861
00:47:56,880 --> 00:47:58,640
The original director of
Lord of the Rings...
862
00:47:59,840 --> 00:48:01,039
...was not Peter Jackson.
863
00:48:01,040 --> 00:48:03,159
It was actually Quentin Tarantino.
864
00:48:03,160 --> 00:48:05,719
And I would love to have seen that,
just for the opening sequence.
865
00:48:05,720 --> 00:48:07,720
HE PLAYS FUNKY TUNE
866
00:48:09,560 --> 00:48:10,599
Freeze frame.
867
00:48:10,600 --> 00:48:11,679
"Bruce Willis as Frodo."
868
00:48:11,680 --> 00:48:13,680
HE PLAYS FUNKY SONG
869
00:48:15,720 --> 00:48:17,760
"Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
as the Balrog."
870
00:48:21,600 --> 00:48:23,480
"Samuel L Jackson as Gandalf."
871
00:48:25,160 --> 00:48:27,519
"Somebody get these
mother BLEEP orcs...
872
00:48:27,520 --> 00:48:30,759
Out of this goddamn
mother BLEEP mother BLEEP
873
00:48:30,760 --> 00:48:32,519
Mother BLEEP ...
874
00:48:32,520 --> 00:48:33,919
BLEEP ...
875
00:48:33,920 --> 00:48:38,799
PROLONGED BLEEP!
876
00:48:38,800 --> 00:48:39,840
"..Mordor!"
877
00:48:42,840 --> 00:48:43,999
Are there any metal fans in?
878
00:48:44,000 --> 00:48:46,119
CROWD WHOOPS
879
00:48:46,120 --> 00:48:47,799
Right.
880
00:48:47,800 --> 00:48:49,159
Just for the avoidance of doubt...
881
00:48:49,160 --> 00:48:50,879
...that is the genre of music,
882
00:48:50,880 --> 00:48:52,799
not the substance.
883
00:48:52,800 --> 00:48:56,039
Some of you are going,
"Brass, I like brass, actually, yes."
884
00:48:56,040 --> 00:48:57,439
There's somebody going,
"I think you'll find
885
00:48:57,440 --> 00:48:58,920
"that's an alloy. So, uh..."
886
00:49:00,960 --> 00:49:02,400
Know your audience, Bill.
887
00:49:05,760 --> 00:49:06,799
I love metal, right?
888
00:49:06,800 --> 00:49:07,919
If I was allowed to at home,
889
00:49:07,920 --> 00:49:10,839
I'd have amplifiers in every room
in my house,
890
00:49:10,840 --> 00:49:12,959
connected wirelessly to my guitar.
891
00:49:12,960 --> 00:49:15,519
And I'd just walk around the house
playing metal, around the house.
892
00:49:15,520 --> 00:49:18,520
♪ Walking in the lounge... # Yeah.
893
00:49:19,960 --> 00:49:23,959
♪ Walking through to the kitchen
894
00:49:23,960 --> 00:49:26,279
♪ Do you want some breakfast?
895
00:49:26,280 --> 00:49:27,959
♪ Yes, I do
896
00:49:27,960 --> 00:49:30,519
♪ What do you want?
897
00:49:30,520 --> 00:49:32,240
GROWLS: # Cornflakes
898
00:49:36,600 --> 00:49:37,679
♪ What kind of milk?
899
00:49:37,680 --> 00:49:39,959
♪ Semi-skimmed milk
900
00:49:39,960 --> 00:49:42,199
♪ Pouring on the milk,
glug-glug-glug-glug-glug
901
00:49:42,200 --> 00:49:44,719
♪ Yum yum yum yum yum yum
yum yum yum yum
902
00:49:44,720 --> 00:49:45,799
♪ Finished
903
00:49:45,800 --> 00:49:49,839
♪ Putting my bowl in the
dishwash-e-e-er... ♪
904
00:49:49,840 --> 00:49:52,000
HE CACKLES
905
00:49:53,800 --> 00:49:56,519
♪ Bing-bong! Someone at the door
906
00:49:56,520 --> 00:49:57,879
♪ I'll go
907
00:49:57,880 --> 00:50:00,919
♪ Walking down the hall
Walking down the hall
908
00:50:00,920 --> 00:50:03,759
♪ Walking down the hall to the door
909
00:50:03,760 --> 00:50:05,199
♪ Who will it be?
910
00:50:05,200 --> 00:50:06,719
♪ I don't know, I don't know
911
00:50:06,720 --> 00:50:09,439
GROWLS: # I'll have to wait and see
912
00:50:09,440 --> 00:50:12,199
♪ It's a mystery
913
00:50:12,200 --> 00:50:13,799
HE CACKLES
914
00:50:13,800 --> 00:50:15,399
♪ Opening the door... ♪
915
00:50:15,400 --> 00:50:17,239
HE IMITATES CREAKY DOOR
916
00:50:17,240 --> 00:50:18,279
♪ Oh!
917
00:50:18,280 --> 00:50:21,840
♪ It's Jehovah's Witnesses
918
00:50:22,840 --> 00:50:25,679
♪ I got this
919
00:50:25,680 --> 00:50:28,879
♪ I have given my life
920
00:50:28,880 --> 00:50:30,920
GROWLS: # To the life of Satan
921
00:50:32,680 --> 00:50:35,079
♪ The Dark Lord dwells in my eyes
922
00:50:35,080 --> 00:50:36,839
♪ Beelzebub...
923
00:50:36,840 --> 00:50:38,919
♪ They've gone
924
00:50:38,920 --> 00:50:42,479
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
925
00:50:42,480 --> 00:50:45,039
Thank you very much,
Royal Opera House.
926
00:50:45,040 --> 00:50:47,839
All right, then, let us play upon
the horns.
927
00:50:47,840 --> 00:50:51,799
The tuned Alpine cow horns.
928
00:50:51,800 --> 00:50:53,119
Here they are.
929
00:50:53,120 --> 00:50:54,719
Thank you, chaps. Here we go.
930
00:50:54,720 --> 00:50:56,800
MUSIC: Intro to Dance Of The Little
Swans by Tchaikovsky
931
00:51:00,520 --> 00:51:02,680
MUSIC: Dance Of The Little Swans
by Tchaikovsky
932
00:51:25,680 --> 00:51:27,880
MUSIC: Swan Lake - Swan Theme
by Tchaikovsky
933
00:51:46,760 --> 00:51:49,239
MUSIC: Intro to The Hornpipe from
Water Music
by George Frideric Handel
934
00:51:49,240 --> 00:51:51,560
MUSIC: The Hornpipe from Water Music
by George Frideric Handel
935
00:52:14,840 --> 00:52:16,720
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
936
00:52:20,840 --> 00:52:21,880
Thank you!
937
00:52:25,040 --> 00:52:26,080
All right, then.
938
00:52:30,160 --> 00:52:31,799
So, have we got any Irish people in?
939
00:52:31,800 --> 00:52:33,679
SCATTERED CHEERS
940
00:52:33,680 --> 00:52:34,720
There's always a few.
941
00:52:37,400 --> 00:52:39,359
So I'd like to send you out
942
00:52:39,360 --> 00:52:42,279
into the balmy Covent Garden air
943
00:52:42,280 --> 00:52:44,560
with a little Irish reel.
944
00:52:55,320 --> 00:52:58,400
MUSIC CONTINUES
945
00:53:00,040 --> 00:53:01,439
Just take a breather.
946
00:53:01,440 --> 00:53:02,880
MUSIC CONTINUES
947
00:53:16,320 --> 00:53:18,359
LOOP REPEATS
948
00:53:18,360 --> 00:53:19,439
Yeah.
949
00:53:19,440 --> 00:53:20,919
In your face, Ed Sheeran.
950
00:53:20,920 --> 00:53:22,720
MUSIC CONTINUES
951
00:53:26,280 --> 00:53:28,640
HE PLAYS ALONG
952
00:53:48,120 --> 00:53:50,400
HE PLAYS ROUSING TUNE
953
00:53:54,160 --> 00:53:56,000
AUDIENCE CHEER AND CLAP ALONG
954
00:53:58,200 --> 00:54:00,200
AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG
955
00:54:15,560 --> 00:54:16,560
Hup!
956
00:54:18,680 --> 00:54:19,680
Hup!
957
00:54:22,120 --> 00:54:23,840
Hey-y-y-y...
958
00:54:27,640 --> 00:54:29,640
HE QUICKENS TEMPO
959
00:54:50,680 --> 00:54:52,680
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
960
00:54:53,760 --> 00:54:54,959
Thank you!
961
00:54:54,960 --> 00:54:56,599
Thank you very much!
962
00:54:56,600 --> 00:54:57,959
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen!
963
00:54:57,960 --> 00:54:59,559
Thanks for coming!
964
00:54:59,560 --> 00:55:01,959
You've been a great crowd.
I'm Bill Bailey!
965
00:55:01,960 --> 00:55:03,040
Goodnight!
966
00:55:28,120 --> 00:55:30,120
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