Original subtitles

Enjoy it. It's really, really good.

How's it going, Darren?

The history of dinosaurs, just like you ordered.

It's fine.

I'll take two.

Ten? Come on, man. Okay, I got, uh,

Don Kix.

Don Kix.

Oh, yeah.

It's like a diet book.

I don't know, man. Fuck, I'm dying.

I don't know, man.

I'll take two. Two?

Fuck, Larry. It's already measured out to five.

It's already measured out to four, man. I gotta make it last.

It's not worth my fucking time selling smog wines, right?

It's five minimum. Take it or fucking leave it. I can do three.

That's every fucking cent I have. Come on, Richie. Fucking leave this, man.

Fuck.

Now on, it's five minimum. You can wipe your whole fucking brown paper towel.

Who wants books? I got the Nology books here.

Really Nology.

What you're looking at right here is white gold.

We've been selling two -ply toilet paper trying to pay for Gorilla Fingers'

fucking TV.

And it's going really, really well. I mean, this is about the guard supply.

You ever wiped your ass with this? It's like wiping your ass with sandpaper. And

I said, no, I wipe my ass with sandpaper. It fucking sucks.

I've been smuggling nice, soft toilet paper in for the boys because, well, I

just feel so bad for them.

Yeah, you know Ronnie Thunder, my big cat? Yeah, yeah.

Man, Charlie's dog.

What? Okay, the leg's coming up. I don't think a cat can bang a dog.

Oh, Ronnie Thundercan.

Being in jail sucks enough on the best of days, but when you're in there and

you've got to wipe your hole with one of those scratchy fucking brown paper

towels you find at truck stops, tearing your hole apart day after day, I mean,

that's just inhumane.

And I mean, it's not even against the rules to just bring it in, but Julian

wants me to smuggle it because he's paranoid they're going to shut down his

whole operation.

Guards are being assholes in there, apparently.

Red raw arseholes.

Things have been going great with my business, but, you know, not quite good

enough. Usually by now, you know, I'd have a batch of potato vodka on the go,

but because of Gorilla Fingers and wanting this TV and shit, it's kind of

fucking me over a bit.

So, you know, I'm not real proud of it, but I've been taking some sips of this,

you know, just a couple, just to get the fucking edge off. It's a little greasy,

but, you know, it's making me think a little bit better.

Poor Ricky, I mean. Ricky.

He's fucked with no drugs.

So, at least I'm not that bad.

All right, BJ and Boner.

Get the fuck out, boys. We need the room.

Thanks. Yeah, you heard him.

All right, Tara.

What are we dealing with, man? My fucking stash, man.

Fuck, I need to get fucked up. Thank you. Here we go.

Marker? Yeah, these are fucking fat boys, too. And I figured out a couple

different combos, right? Like you hit... You hit fucking black first, right? And

it kind of like hits your baseline.

And then you quickly go to blue.

Fuck,

it's been a long time.

Red's not bad, too.

Gives me a little semi -chub.

What do you think?

Fuck, we can always hit Old Faithful, too. Don't forget about that.

What the fuck's Old Faithful? Bring that on. There you go. Right here, bud.

Yeah? Yeah, what I've been doing is kind of like a turbo.

What the

fuck?

Oh, well.

Yeah, no. Oh.

fucking diesel.

You can't get high on fucking diesel.

Jesus, fuck.

Well, you know, fuck, we need the better markers then. If you get the expensive

ones, they got a bit of kick. Like the good ones. These are just cheap.

Well, fuck, I'll talk to Charlene. Maybe she can bring us some in. I need to get

something, man. This is fucked.

Oh, are you still talking to her?

Yeah, man.

She's fucking incredible.

On the internet?

No, just on the computer.

I met this girl, Charlene, on Computer Box, and she's, like, really, really

great. I mean, a lot of guys in here, they're meeting girls on Computer Box,

some of them have three or four on the go, and they're just taking advantage of

them, saying they love them, trying to get money out of them.

And to be honest, that's what I was going to do originally, but I started

talking to this girl, and I started to care about her, and now she's saying,

like, she's saying we're in love, and I believe her. Like, why would she lie

about that?

And she's saying it's going to come next week, and maybe we'll get the bang, and

that'll totally get my mind off getting high, because right now I feel like a

fucking loser sniffing these stupid markers, but I can't not be high, so

the fuck do you do?

Ricky, let's get fucked up, man. Man, no more markers, Tara. I'm serious.

I was fucking saving this for later, but I can't wait. We're going to really get

going, okay? What the fuck you got now?

Good old glue.

Oh, man, I forgot about that shit.

Yeah, it tends to do that. It helps you forget about it while you're doing it.

And then, hit it with the old one -two.

And then I find once you get deep in there.

Cheers. You go to kind of like back to grade four and nine at the same time.

Nice.

You can feel it popping in there.

loan you got on you man you gluing something yeah how's it going just like

our americans are totally fucked okay we need to make more fucking money per

shit here it's not it's not even worth doing it the way we're doing it right

man fuck but i was thinking we increase the price you're gonna fucking just

scare away the customers the man's gonna go down then we're fucked again so i

was thinking this maybe we set up some kind of like buy 10 get a fucking cheese

and cracker it's up the deal Don't, but maybe again. I got a chance.

The numbers could be off.

Well, what if we just... No, that's fucking stupid, Ricky. Why don't you

think of that? What?

Just gluing the brain below. Okay, now what are you thinking?

I've got three stupid things. Like, hey, let's just increase the number of shit.

But see, I said it. Now it's a dumb fucking thing, and I should never have

it, and I'm on fucking blueberry.

You fucking nailed it, man.

What are you talking about? Brilliant. That's what we got to do. It's fucking

easy. What are we going to do? All right, look.

Get off the fucking glue today.

Don't eat any food in the cafeteria.

All right? Just stay off the fucking glue.

I told you it was a good idea, Ricky.

Sure, all right.

Hey, Billy, how's it going, man?

How's it going?

What kind of fucking question is that? I am in jail, and it sucks.

Look, I need a favor from you. I need you to put something in the food that's

going to give everybody the shit.

What are you talking about?

All my fucking profit -pushing shit and everything's on the toilet paper I'm

selling. But not high enough. I need more of the band here, okay? It's about

volume, macroeconomics, shit like that, something you won't understand about.

But just, can you do this? Look, I got a commerce degree from SMU. I get it. All

right, okay, so you'll do this then? Fuck no. I'm not your poo fairy.

Besides, what's in it for me?

Two -for -one toilet paper for the next week. Two -for -one?

I think you should give me a hundred free squares.

A hundred? Are you fucking kidding me, man?

This is a huge risk.

Some of these guys...

Finally, I did what they're doing. I'm a dead man.

And besides, my hole looks like it's been attacked by a weed whacker. It's

red and raw. There's an extra... I might even have two right now.

Okay, okay. You're fucking killing me here, Billy.

Okay, listen.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

You give me those hundred free squares, and not only will I get everyone in here

shitting themselves, I will set their holes on fire.

And that's how we fix your margins.

Fire hoop.

All right, let's do it.

I'm going to need a few things. Okay, I'll get some of those.

No, relax. Fuck Big Pharma.

If I'm doing this, it's going to be all natural.

I need some hot peppers, some spices.

I'll get you a list.

All right, give me a list.

You like the flavor of that chalk?

You know what? It has no fucking flavor.

What? Nothing. Fuck off.

I thought you said chalk was good, man. It does, it does, it does.

Try that chalk. It is. It fucking does not taste nothing.

Oh, it's delicious. What's wrong with you, bud?

It's these drugs. Most drugs make things taste good, man. These drugs are not

making things get any better. You need more medicine here. Have a little bit

more of that. Look, I need real fucking drugs, man.

Give me that fucking thing. Yeah, there you go.

It'll help the taste.

Maybe something's wrong with your mouth. This is delicious.

This doesn't taste like fuck all.

Fuck's sake.

Hey, Bubbles, what you doing?

Just working on my costume for RockCon, Randy.

Look at that. Look at those.

Those look like space boots.

Yeah, they are space boots, Randy. That's who Ace Fraley was, the spaceman.

Who?

Ace Fraley. That's who we're going to see at RockCon from Cat.

Oh, I know those guys, but I had no idea he went to space.

He didn't go to space, Randy. He's in a fucking... Anyway, what do you want? I'm

kind of busy here.

I need a favor, Bubbles. Can you loan me five bucks? I need some gas for my golf

cart. Five bucks? I don't just have an extra five bucks kicking around, Randy.

I got to get gas for my golf cart, and I was going to splurge later and get

myself chips pop in the car.

For Christ's sakes, I wish things could just be the way they used to be.

Mr. Leahy always knew how to cheer me up, but he's not friggin' here.

I got no friggin' money to throw him. Calm down, Randy. Calm down.

Look, I won't get chips popping a bar and I'll figure out my gas situation.

Here, it's the last one I have.

Thanks. I'll pay you back.

You won't, but... Hello?

Hey, bubs. How's it going, buddy?

It's going. Just giving out money I don't have. What are you doing?

I just wanted to call and give you an update on Ricky, man. He's pretty

What? What do you mean?

Remember that Terry guy that stayed with him for a couple weeks that time that

got all fucked up all the time? Yes, the guy with the long hair and the drug

use. Well, he's in here hanging out with Rick, okay?

I mean, they're going into the fucking tool room. They're coming out fucking

drooling and stuttering and all fucked up and... And they're eating chalk.

They're eating what?

They're eating chalk, man. Like candy.

Like chalk that you write on a chalkboard with? Yes, chalk, man, chalk.

I'm pretty fucking worried about him.

Fuck. I've got a plan, man, okay?

What? I'm thinking if I can get five bucks of shit in here, I'll be able to

care of this problem, like, real quick.

Okay, so how are you going to do that?

Of course you do.

Of course you do. What the fuck do you need?

I need a triple order of toilet paper, I need some ghost peppers, and I need

this stuff called Ma Zi Ren Wan.

What the fuck is that?

Well, Bob's okay. You're just going to let Ricky fucking keep eating chalk,

then? Is that what's going to happen?

All right, I'll do it, but only because he's eating chalk.

What the fuck do you need? Okay.

Ma -zee -wen -wan, did you say? Yeah, it's like a laxative.

What in the fuck do you need a... No, you know what? Don't give a fuck. I'll

you your laxative. All right, okay, buddy. Thank you. Love you, man. I got

go. Phone crits. All right, see you, man.

Yeah, bye -bye.

Just bubbles will fucking deal with it.

How in the fuck am I supposed to know what that says? I don't know even what

letters those are. I mean, even if it was in French or Spanish, at least I

what fucking letters I'm dealing with.

This just is like going to the fucking moon, basically.

I don't have a fucking clue what any of this is.

Excuse me, could I get some help?

Oh, yes, sir. I'm looking for, uh, hot peppers.

Like, uh, like hot, you know.

Oh, hot.

Hot. Hot.

Peppers.

Peppers. Like a pepper.

Like about this.

Hot.

Peppers. Hot.

I don't know how to fucking explain this.

Um, Jesus Murphy.

Hot. Peppers, like... Yes, uh, which kind?

Oh, Jesus, Murphy.

You know what I'm saying. Oh, my God, I'm sorry. I thought you didn't

me. Okay, okay. Which kind of pepper?

Um, the hottest one you got.

Hottest? Are you sure?

Yes, the hottest peppers. I need those, and I need some of this. What's that,

man? It's, uh... Uh,

margarine one. Uh, you need to, uh... Yes, I'm having...

trouble doing that type of thing. All right.

Well, hey, Bubbles, what can I do for you?

I was hoping I could just go in and see Julian quickly.

Yep, sign in there.

All right.

It's good to see you.

This looks like a different type of sheet here, is it? A new signing sheet?

Yeah, that's our new one.

Just put your name there, okay, good man.

Say, listen, are you starting to put on a little bit of weight?

Maybe, yes, because there's a sale on bologna logs and I've been eating those.

Oh, bologna logs.

I love the smell of bologna. It's actually quite sexual.

Sexual? Well, yeah, the smoky kind. It smells of...

It smells so good and gets you riled up in the morning.

Anyway,

why are you acting so weird?

Oh, you're talking about sex, baloney, and I don't know what that is, so.

Well, it's a sexy smell. It's really smoky. Why would that make you nervous?

Oh, I'm not nervous. It's just, you know, I just thought I was going to sign

and go in, and now we're talking about sex, baloney, and I want to just go see

Julian if that's, you know.

It's all right, but you seem pretty fucking nervous all over a little bit of

baloney sex talk.

It's ridiculous.

You want to go see him? Let's go. Just calm the fuck down.

Hey, Bubs.

Hey, man. Hey, Julian.

Um, listen, I... Guys, make it quick.

All right, lift up your leg. Let's go.

Bubs, he's in on it, obviously. Come on, let's go. Okay, Bussy, get from here.

I don't trust this. It's okay, bud.

I wouldn't get you doing shit like this since I had it covered. Let's go.

What else do you got? What else do you show her?

It's my closet. Don't look at me. Let's go.

Right on, bud.

Okay, listen now.

I just don't know if I'm nice, but I love you too.

Something smells good, and I'm not talking about the chili.

Freddy, like I said, this is not happening.

Just so you know, what Freddy wants, Freddy takes.

Hey, buddy.

All right, here we go.

Toilet paper.

Here's the rest of the shit. We can't do this today. This food is already

cooked. It's ready.

What the fuck are you talking about? Just throw the shit in. You can't just

throw it in. You got to think about the balance of flavors. It's perfect.

The balance of flavors? Fuck the balance of flavors. What are you doing? There's

shit in there.

That is way too much. Here, cut these fucking things up and put them in there,

too. This is my kitchen and my food.

Look, I held up my end of the fucking deal. You hold up your fucking end. Make

it hot.

Fine.

You want hot?

Hot! You're gonna get hot.

I think so, man. It's fucking good. It's the perfect amount of spice.

Good job, Billy.

I might have hit a peanut or something.

Fuck, woo!

What the fuck are you doing, man? I told you not to eat lunch.

I fucking didn't win.

I 100 % said don't eat lunch today.

Why? What do you mean why? Because of what we were talking about.

What were we talking about?

And you guys are eating as well?

What part of fucking skip lunch don't you guys understand?

I thought you said you wanted to go skipping after lunch.

Yeah, dude, like double dutch with a rope.

Oh, the turtle's poking out of hell!

Fuck!

I'm not going to eat that, sir.

No, no, no, no, listen, man. You don't remember the conversation we had about

fucking increasing sales?

I remember this and that about sales, bro.

That's the one, man. I told you to skip.

How would you even fucking eat that right now? It's the first thing I've

able to taste in days. It's fucking delicious, man. Well, you've got to stop

eating. Put it down. Stop eating.

You're not going to eat that, boys?

No, no, no. Ricky, Ricky, no.

Stop eating. You're not the fucking boss of my stomach, Julian, all right?

I need fucking food. This is really good. All right, okay. I'm not the boss

your stomach. I said weird.

I'm going to go make some fucking money.

Eat away, bro. All right, I will fucking eat. People have to eat to fucking

live, Julian. Fuck you.

I'm not the kind of person that brags, but you know what? That fucking thing I

did today with the food was fucking brilliant.

Yeah, I do feel bad about the boys and their asses and shit, but hey, it's

fucking business.

And as a businessman, I saw a problem and I turned it into fucking gold.

It's fucking beautiful.

Ronnie Thunder was freaking out, and that's when he kicked the fucking hinges

right off her.

Hang on.

Hang on one second, please.

Hello? Hey, bud. How's it going, buddy?

Hey, Julian. What's going on, bud?

Not too much, man. Things are going really fucking well in here, man. Like,

good.

Okay, you're going to need them from somebody else then.

Because I am not bringing anything else in there, Julian.

What are you talking about trust, man?

Bubbles?

Bubbles, man? You need to get the fuck down here and you need to bring some of

that Italian burn jelly you get from that Alan guy.

What? Ricky, you're not making any sense. Who the fuck is Alan?

The fucking jelly you put on burns that you get from that fucking Alan O 'Veara.

Ricky, I'm not bringing you anything. I'm sorry. I already brought Julian

fucking toilet paper and laxative powder. I'm not doing it.

You brought what?

Laxative?

Chinese laxative. Did you put fucking laxative in the food?

Yes, and ghost peppers. I told you not to eat.

You fucking did this to me?

It's not my fault you're having fucking gloom, man. I told you not to eat.

You wouldn't fucking

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Everyone give me back my fucking toilet paper!

Holy fuck, bod, you're raw back there. It's fucking

killing me, man. Looks like a sailor with a gouged out eyeball, man.

Thanks for this tear.

Fuck yeah, little ointment, you'll be right as rain, bod.

Gee, you know.

Geez, don't wiggle.

Don't clench. Here we go.

There you go, bud. Oh, yeah, right there. Oh, yeah. Fuck, that hurts.

Yeah, get right in there, dear.

Oh, fuck, man.

I ain't never seen something quite that red.

That's a new color for sure.

Oh, that's got to sting.

Yeah, it sure does.

Okay, now you get up there, do some wiggling around, get it in there. I

I'm done my part.

Okay.

Fuck. Yeah,

get down there deep. Oh, my God.

Yeah, anytime, bud, anytime.

Still feels like Pop the Tragic Dragon kissing me on the fucking hole, though.