Original subtitles

Love is my mission.

You'll never be lonely again.

I know I'm not supposed to use these for myself.

But I'm so in love with you, Terabithia.

Now you'll always be mine.

What on earth

are we watching? It's called Dark Cupid.

Seems a little goofy.

To lift it.

That celebrity dating site matched me up with one of the actors on this show. I

don't think they got it right.

Where's their bithia?

See, that's the problem with you. Only ignoring what's right in front of your

face. Time for you to love me forever, Donald Cupid.

No,

never. You fell right into my thirst trap.

I like her.

She plays a good nightmare lady.

She's a nocturnal succubus. She's a good match for you, Jan.

I'm not the witchy woman. I'm going on a date with him.

Jan!

What? He's just a boy.

That's what 38 looks like these days.

These wings.

I'm just a man.

Nate Cassidy is one of the hottest celebrities right now.

How did you get hatched with him? I don't know. Aren't Russian hackers

behind this stuff? Did you lie on your profile?

Lying would imply effort. Why are you killing my vibe?

I'm looking forward to going on a date with this guy.

Dude is hot.

You shouldn't go, Jan.

Celebrities are not good people.

Um, hello?

It's a different level of celebrity when they want you to be naked all the time.

Why do you think I try to negotiate nudity into all my contracts?

I thought you were done with men.

Oh, life's going to be so much harder for you now.

I thought you wanted me dating again. Well, not men.

If I were you, I wouldn't tell anyone about this. Well, good luck, because I

tell everybody everything.

Now my backup ring light. All the essentials.

You got everything?

Uh, yep.

Thanks so much for helping me move.

We're only going to be 11 minutes away.

Oh, no. Big deal. It's your first place with a friend. You remember our first

place, Mac?

Charlie, you were there.

One, two, princess, kneel before you. That's what I said now. Princess,

princess, do I adore you? Keep it down, Bella!

This is ridiculous. The landlord has got to fix that.

Sorry, could you come down here? The ceiling's falling.

Leave it alone.

Okay.

Is that black mold?

Yeah, I don't recall any of that.

Yeah, it's good. We were worried about permanent damage.

You sure you don't want to take anything else?

We've got the futon in the basement and the treadmill that nobody's ever touched

since we bought it.

I touch it all the time.

Moving out of my way.

Yeah, that's okay. Our place is already furnished. Really? Yeah, it's so cute.

I get my stuff.

I have a thick sense about black mold.

FYI, you cannot just paint over it.

Cool.

Organized everything in here, and now I can't find anything.

Does this smell clean to you? Oh, you don't get dressed from the laundry.

Sensitive woman dressed like a beanbag chair.

The statistics defy this union.

Nate's got 1 .8 million followers, and you do not.

Plus, I think most of yours are bots.

I don't know what to tell you, Kale. I'm as surprised as you are. All I know is

that I need to figure out what to wear and how to smell for this date.

Where are you going? I don't know. It's a surprise, and I hate surprises.

Didn't you surprise propose to Cynthia in a hot air balloon? Oh, Cynthia loves

surprises.

Bryce!

Bryce!

Surprise!

Oh, my God.

How long have you been in there? How long does it take?

Kind of a love -hate thing.

I forgot how stressful this was.

Pleather and patchouli. What an intoxicating combo.

These are perfect. Do you remember when I did the splits in these on stage?

That wasn't on purpose.

It was still really impressive, Kale.

Hey, we're not done here yet.

Pleather shows panty line, so am I going commando or what?

Hi, Nate, right?

Nice to meet you, Jeb.

Hi, Nate. Huge fan. We'll circle back to that later. A couple questions for you.

Did you lie on your profile about being vegan?

No, that's true. How about that you love watching pimple -popping videos?

Also true.

So satisfying.

We gotta get going. We're not gonna be late.

Is this a reverse catfish?

Maybe it's a make -a -wish type situation.

Sorry, she came without.

And that one?

That's my mom. She's allergic to eggplant.

I have to admit, I did not know a lot about your show, so I watched a few

episodes, and you make a very convincing demon cupid.

Thanks.

Fun gig.

Uh, I really liked your music. So was your mom really into me when you were a

baby? No.

We actually used one of your songs in an episode.

I swear to you, Your Honor, I didn't kill Balthazar.

I was set up.

By Jaleficent.

Jaleficent? You're in my courtroom now, Doc Cupid. I'll decide if you live or

die.

No!

Thank you.

I'm glad we matched.

I hope you're not looking for a sugar mama, because I'm pretty sure you got

sugar than me.

Not at all. I prefer mature women who aren't all vain and obsessed with how

look. I would describe myself as artisanal rustic.

I've been so wild for so long, just constantly wasted and hooking up with

and movie stars and hot catering staff.

We have so much in common.

Sobriety is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Same.

I spent the last couple of years just sober, celibate, trying to get my head

straight, you know? I too am celibate.

Less of a choice, but more of a life circumstance. And the longer I'm

the more I realize just how poor other people's hygiene is.

You're funny.

Profile said you liked adventure.

Well, if that's what it said, that must be true.

Oh. I'll have, uh, the two -flight package, please. Two -flight package.

And then you'll enjoy the feeling of a free fall.

So just how many deaths have you had here?

Zero. It's perfectly safe.

And how many accidental dismemberments? You'll be okay, Jan. I trained here for

a movie role once. It's a lot of fun.

I'm so sorry. We're such huge fans of Dark Cupid. Could we... Oh, yeah,

I had a song and an episode of Dark Cupid, and if you were real fans, you

know that.

Feeling ready?

Felix, you are just a little too chill for what's about to happen here.

You're kind of giving me a Keanu Reeves vibe, and I'm going to need Keeper

Sutherland. Sorry, they ran out of my size, and it took me a bit to get

Of all the skydive joints in all the world.

Jan?

Hi, Cynthia, I am just...

Getting limbered up for the big event.

Right. This is Nate Cassidy.

Yes, you are.

Nice to meet you.

Likewise.

Nate's my boyfriend, my date, my hookup. Just keeping it brief these days.

Yeah, I guess.

My boo here surprised me with this adventure.

You hate surprises. Not anymore. Surprise.

Oh, this place is awesome.

Yeah, I can't wait.

Me too, me too, me too.

Hypothetical.

What would happen if while you were in there you peed your pants?

We call that the toilet tornado.

You have to shut the place down for 24 hours while it dries out.

Right. So, Cynthia, you're by yourself. You're all alone. You're totally

blueless.

Actually, I've realized that I really enjoy my own company.

And I want to try new things while I can. Good. Good for you. Good for you.

I don't know if you knew this, but Nate just won the Children's Choice Award for

sexiest fallen angel. Children really shouldn't be watching the show. I do a

of people.

Oh, my God. Your hair is so

soft.

Do you feel his hair?

Oh, my God. Run your hands through my man's hair.

No, no, thanks.

Uh, champ, you're up. Remember, light as a feather, stiff as a board. I am

psyched.

So psyched. Okay, just one quick last question. How absorbent are these suits?

No time. Okay. Get in there. Who's your daddy?

I'm ready.

Sweetheart, be watching you.

Go get him.

Oh, you are just gorgeous.

So good.

That one.

That's what you call cute?

What do you call our house?

Also cute.

Ah, Inez!

Hi, Char.

Hi,

Inez. This, this, this place is... Wow!

I can hardly believe you two can afford it. Well, you know those influencer

dollars in a joke.

No kidding. What are you influencing these days?

You, apparently.

Oh. Yeah.

Sorry. Be right back.

Charlie, I mean, are you sure you can afford this place? Oh, yeah, I'm good.

you don't want to be living paycheck to paycheck or PayPal to Bitcoin or

whatever. I make enough being an influencer. Like how much?

Oh, I make $8 ,000 a month.

Sorry, what?

I make around $8 ,000 a month.

Dollaires? I mean, first of all, wow.

Good for you. But, Charlie, that is a lot of money for someone your age. I

you have to be careful.

My rent and expenses are 40 % of my monthly income, and then the rest goes

savings. I talked it all through with my financial advisor.

Yeah, we've been meaning to get one of those.

To tell us what? Go make more dollaires?

We're so happy for you. Yes, look at you go. Thank you.

Yeah.

I am so excited.

Here I go.

He's not going to let go of me, right?

Yeah, just don't pull away.

What'll happen?

Oh, you fly up to the ceiling. We call it pancaking, but don't worry.

Never happens.

Great. I am so ready.

Coming in hot.

Be tense. Hang loose.

Okay? Don't be gross.

You're too stiff.

That's what she said.

Ma 'am, ma 'am, please focus.

Well, she looks happy.

She's 100 % freaking out, but pretending that she's not. Here, I'm going up, I'm

going up. I'm just going to take another little spin around here.

Very good on my breath. Very good.

Oh, my God.

Oh, oh, oh.

This is like drinking.

Don't talk about me.

Oh, oh, oh.

She's quite something.

So how do you know, Jim?

I'm not sure I do anymore.

I'm good at everything!

I was not expecting that. Maybe when we grow up, we'll get a place this nice. I

mean, it's just not right for someone that young to have that kind of money.

I mean, maybe I'm just projecting, because I had to struggle so much at

age.

Yeah, it could be, but if you... I mean, Charlie has a good head on her

shoulders and a financial advisor. Here, I'm just going to let you play this

out. I mean, you know, how can she be an adult if she's never had to struggle?

I mean, it builds character.

No, you know what? No, Max, no. She is on her own path. She has to find her own

way.

What if she doesn't need me anymore?

She's always going to need you.

Mom, I need you.

She needs me.

What happened? The shower's gone crazy.

I got it. Not that one.

Oh. No, it's not that one either.

The other bathroom. You have three bathrooms?

How are you so rich?

Okay.

Okay. Here we go.

Oh, my God, that's a lot of stairs.

That's a lot.

Be careful.

Thank you. Anytime.

Yeah, anytime. We're here for you day or night, 24 -7, 365.

Yeah, all the time. By the way, this outfit totally flops.

It does, doesn't it? Fully. We should take some pics.

Okay.

Can I get you anything?

Yeah. My flat rate is $300 since you're so rich.

You're so funny.

I got my good side.

He certainly did.

Oh, it was nice running into you, Jan. It was so nice to see you, Sam.

And you seem to be hitting it off with Nate.

I'm happy for you. So far, so good.

Just a little bit jealous.

Take care, Jan.

Hey, it was a blast!

Yeah, it was fun.

It was also...

bit uncomfortable yeah they just don't prepare you for those wind wedgies

honestly i thought you'd be different more grounded and i'm just worried i've

been down this road before what do you mean not paying attention to red flags

early on oh yeah it was i mean it's great meeting you but i just don't think

it's gonna work out with us well that's that i guess

You're still going to give me a ride home, though, right? Yeah, of course.

Those girls stole your souvenir photo. You can have mine if you want.

I'm not sure how I feel about how this date is ending.

Okay. I feel a little bit sad, a little bit regretful with a...

A little bit of hunger mixed in.

I'm sad too, but it's important to be honest.

Cynthia's my ex.

Ah, that makes sense. I actually proposed to her and she said no.

Ouch, that sucks.

We haven't talked since then, so seeing her today kind of threw me for a loop.

Clearly there's a connection there, and you can't just turn that kind of

chemistry off.

I had a good time with you, for what it's worth.

Yeah, me too. Without your ex around, you're a lot of fun. Cynthia was always

the toxic one.

What is going on here?

Cappuccino, if I can get this damn thing working. Is this Italian?

Just make a flat white!

Hi. You must be Nora. I'm Nate. I know who you are. I saw you on the Children's

Choice Awards.

Would you like a pancake?

Don't you start butt -kissing me, Hollywood.

And you should put her shirt on.

These aren't my real nipples.

I'm sorry. My mom is losing her eyesight and her social graces. Can I talk to

you for a moment, please?

You are being very rude to my gentleman caller.

For God's sake. Yes.

Your daughter is a sexual... being. Deal with it. I know you're a sexual being,

Jan. We all are. Oh, don't talk like that.

I'm just starting to feel good about dating again. What is your problem?

He's not Cynthia.

No, he's not.

I just always hoped the two of you would get back together.

I thought Cynthia was the one too, but you know, things change.

People move on. That's life.

I don't know, he's got really good hygiene. That's about all a person can

for these days.

Okay, so I was on the phone with the Soiree A -list people all night trying

figure out how the system could ever match you and Nate, but no one can find

bug in the algorithm.

And now they've blocked my number.

So what I'm thinking... He just likes Mikhail!

Sucker born every day.

Okay, angle down a bit.

Good!

I did my period stop for the last time.

My breath feels so tight and firm and high. I don't even need a bra.

I think I'm feeling aroused. Oh, this feels good on my ass.

You could fart in here and no one would ever know.

I just don't know what men do with their beanbags, quite frankly. They must come

in here with jock straps.

I am cool.

Watch me breaking through the finish line.

Finish line.