Original subtitles

Wait,

you're not letting skunks inside your house, are you?

Don't be stupid, Dave. Of course we are. It's cold out.

They are so cute. I literally can't handle it. I don't understand.

It's not that complicated, Dave.

Do you have a friggin' bucket or what?

Yeah, check the laundry.

Okay.

Oh, there's one.

Too bad it isn't red.

Remember when those skugs...

tore up the red comforter? Oh, you little devils.

Is that who I think it is?

Max's jazz musician biological father, who you kept secret from her her entire

life until Max and I tracked him down. She was too chicken to even tell him who

she was.

Hello, Max.

I'm meeting you.

Yeah, that's him.

Oh, dear.

And this is some kind of...

Freaky shrine to him, I guess.

Maybe we should just cover it up and pretend we never saw it.

Jan?

Oh, hey.

What are you snooping for? This is private.

Oh, my God. This is the laundry room. Exactly. Nobody comes in here except for

me. Okay, take it easy.

It's not like we found a secret shrine to your secret dad taped to that secret

wall. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. Learning about him was a lot to

digest, and anyone in your position would want a keepsake of your birth

You think?

Don't ask me. I knew my dad. And do you think it's normal that I sometimes talk

to his poster and imagine what he might say back?

And that every Sunday we do laundry together and I called out our Max and

party. I don't think it's that bad.

Thank you for this bucket.

Thank you.

Good luck with your daddy issues.

Mom, we gotta go.

So how can you tell somebody's sign if you don't know their birthday? Your sign

is written all over you.

You have a wonderfully stubborn streak, so you must be a Taurus.

I am a Taurus. Well done.

Ooh, do me, do me.

Impulsive, prefers individual sports.

Definitely an Aries. Wrong!

Sexy, dangerous Scorpio.

You are an Aries. I'm on the cusp.

Hey, guys. Hey, Charlie.

Hi, sweetheart.

Had to tell you in person, Auntie Jay. You got accepted on Soiree List.

Ooh, wow, congratulations.

What's a Soiree List? It's a dating site just for celebrities.

Charlie helped me apply ages ago.

Yeah, I assume they turned you down, but they actually accepted you. I have 17

top 10 singles. That's not nothing you know.

Not generic.

What does she have to do now that she's been accepted?

She just has to answer the dating profile questionnaire so the AI can

with other celebrities.

Fine. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's get it set up.

I hope they pair her with the nice weather lady from Channel 29. Let's do

Fine. But I'm not wiping on anyone.

He's wiping.

Same thing. It's really not.

This is a really detailed questionnaire.

I don't know if I'm comfortable answering these questions in front of

What counts is that we want you to.

Can we watch a cooking show? Oh, we're cooking up some love for Jan.

First question.

I would describe my politics as way left.

I am interested in meeting women and men.

My last relationship ended by mutual decision.

I don't think that's really... Zip it!

Sensitive. Yeah, I'm not comfortable answering this question in front of

everybody. How many past intimate partners have you had?

I know. We'll all cover our eyes while you answer the question.

Okay. Fine.

Done.

Did I hear you type three digits?

I had to backspace, Mom. I had a typo. Right.

Let's just get on with it. Please.

Diet. Vegan.

Favorite animal.

The one on The Muppet Show.

Preferred age range.

Do you seriously have no preference between a 20 -year -old and an 80 -year

-old? Age is just a number.

And you will realize that when you are my age.

In a hundred words or less, describe yourself.

Do you know a word... Can I talk to you for a minute?

Privately, Jan.

Arden.

Casual.

Bowler. What's up, Grant?

You're a smart cookie.

I need your help with a top -secret mission.

Oh, it's my stuff.

I need you to drag down an old friend.

Here's everything I know.

I'm looking for a way to contact him. Sure.

I do it myself, but technology's changed.

Back in the day, microfiche was my niche.

Do you think you could have that for me by the end of the week? Done.

Email, phone number, and home address.

Thank you, Charlie. That was so fast.

Also had time to Google microfiche, and that is awesome.

We have celebrity matches.

Wow, so many. Yeah, but who are these people?

You know who that one is. She's the mom on that one miniseries. Oh, the one

about the drug -dealing nuns? Or the one about the drug -dealing dancers?

No, no, it was the other one.

Oh, was she on The Bachelor?

No, different reality show. I can't stop having babies.

There's a familiar face.

Feist. She had her chance.

I'd rather be single for the rest of my life. Everybody out.

Fine, I'll leave.

Okay. So if I... Yeah.

Mm -hmm.

Hello.

Marty.

I'm probably the last person you expect to hear from.

It's Nora.

I need to see you, Marty.

Good night.

Well, here you go, Mom.

Have fun with your bridge club, ladies.

Yes, that's who I'm seeing, my bridge club gals.

Want me to walk you in? They might want to meet a celebrity. Oh, sorry, can't

hear you. Bye.

Look at that little nugget.

I just love her so much.

Huh?

Hi.

Oh, my God.

Hello? Max, you better get down here. Your parents are on a date.

Okay, skunk.

I don't want to hurt you.

So no funny stuff.

What are you doing in there?

I'm trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of this stupid jar.

No, no, I mean, what are you, what are you even doing in this house?

Well, I'm just crashing here for a couple nights.

Or, you know, six or seven until, you know, I get back on my feet.

But at least I'm not doing a B &E on Jan's house like you, Dave.

Well, I'm here to deal with the skunk situation, which is a major health risk.

Also, it's just weird.

But I had to wait till Jen and Nora were gone before I could do anything about

it. It's not your problem, Dave. And you don't want to get involved.

They're nuts about those skunks.

Put on wrestling.

He loves wrestling.

That is true.

Well, thank you for that. But if I don't deal with it now, eventually one of my

kids is going to end up with fleas or something.

That'll definitely be my problem.

Do it yourself.

I'm going to look for happiness at the bottom of this.

You know, I could use some help.

Do you mind giving me a hand?

No, I'm good. Come on. All you got to do is follow me. You smell like peanut

butter. You're the perfect dunk bait.

I got nothing else to do.

Yeah, that's the spirit.

Come on.

You can bring the spoon.

This is quite a surprise.

You look great.

You haven't changed a bit.

Marty, I didn't ask you here to listen to a bunch of bull crap.

Well, fine. You look exactly 40 years older, and I can see every one of those

years in your eyes, which makes you more stunning than ever.

Now, that's my kind of bullcrap.

Do you think they're on a date?

I don't know. I can't tell.

Get back here. They're going to see us.

I am trying to listen. I want to know what they're talking about. Then back up

and let me read their lips. You'd do that?

Yeah. It's not that hard. Okay.

Go for it. Okay.

So Mom is saying, remember the time we met that French sidewalk horse

who lost five baseball tickets?

And Marty's saying, yes, yes.

I gave two dusty rowboats to my Uncle Bill's elevator.

Good night, scuba beard.

You suck at lip reading. Oh, like you could do any better. Okay, watch and

learn.

Okay.

Oh, again, he just will not shut up about the sidewalk horse.

Oops. Hi there. Jan Arden, I thought that was you.

Welcome to Caesars.

My name is Asha, and I'm such a big fan.

If we could just keep the volume down. No problem.

You know, I would love a selfie.

Again, if we could just keep the volume down.

What can I get you to start it with? Nothing. We're fine. We don't need

anything. Actually, I have a couple of questions about the dessert menu.

How boozy is the tiramisu?

And would it be possible to swap out a butterscotch sundae for the ice cream on

the apple pie a la mode? Really?

Jan?

I will just get the banana sutra, and I do not need two spoons.

Coming right up. Oh, thank you.

Oh, my God.

You're a terrible spy.

I would be a worse spy if I didn't regulate my blood sugar.

We should come up with our strategy, figure out what to do when we actually

these guys.

Sure. Like, do we bring the cage over to them, or should we herd the skunks over

to the cage?

Or, like, maybe a two -prong combo attack.

I don't know.

Best advice I can give you is don't take my advice.

Okay, we're not friends or friendly, but, uh, are you

okay? Like it's any of your business.

Forget I mentioned it.

Clear.

I mean, yeah, I'm not great, obviously.

I got fired by Jan, lost all motivation, forgot Feist was my client.

To be fair, I think we all did. Now look at me.

From music manager to pest control within weeks.

Now, first off, pest control is a noble profession.

And secondly, you're volunteer pest control.

I'm not paying you.

I guess this is what happens when you make work your entire life and then work

just explodes in your face.

Maybe stop looking at this as a total disaster and decide to look at it like a

vacation.

A totally deserved, overdue, unplanned holiday.

Well, it certainly sounds better.

Yeah, and maybe it'll be the first step to feeling better, too.

Okay. What do you know about feeling even remotely bad?

Well, I'll save you the sob story and just say that nowadays, the biggest

of happiness in my life... Is your wonderful, loving family.

Well, they're part of it, but honestly, it's like 90 % therapy in

antidepressants.

I still have rough patches, like when baby James arrived, but mostly I'm in a

good place.

It's garden shit.

Let's get those freeloaders.

And for my 60th birthday, I got a nice card, a new sweater, and a beer bottle

the head while I was singing my funny valentine. Oh, no.

Six stitches.

Oh. Oh, aren't we a pair.

Between the two of us, we have our disease, Alzheimer's, and two cancer

Well, it hasn't always been smooth sailing, but we're still here.

We sure are.

You know what?

Some of the best things in life are unplanned.

Oh.

Kind of things. Well, jazz, obviously.

Oh, right.

Jazz.

So, want to cut to the chase and tell me why you reached out to me all of a

sudden? Um, remember the night I broke things off with you?

I remember that night ending a lot nicer than I expected.

Agreed. It also changed my life.

Uh -oh.

Miles are gone.

Things are getting serious.

Yeah. Because they're delivering my banana sutra to the wrong table.

It's a good thing we didn't get that thing. I mean, look at it. It's lit up

a Roman candle.

Excuse me. I think you delivered my dessert to the wrong table.

Just drop it.

We have more important things going on. It's okay.

I'm just going to explain what happened.

What are you doing? I am saving my sutra. You are going to blow our cover.

No, I'm not. I'm going to be really sad.

You're too late. They're already eating it. I'm going to eat around the bite.

Excuse me. I'm so sorry to bother you.

You're giving me a front wedgie. Stop it. You stop it right now. And the truth

is, you have a daughter.

No, you stop it. Jan, stop it.

And there she is.

Jan Arden is my daughter?

No. The other one.

Did I

miss anything?

No. No, no, you're fine.

I'm glad we can be mature about this and just move on and not resort to name

-calling. Well, I sure raised a couple of bozos, didn't I? I'm sorry, Mom. Keep

your apology.

How dare you snoop on me like this? Can you really blame me, Mom, for being

curious about your secret rendezvous with, until quite recently, my secret

father?

All we wanted to know was why you were meeting him here after all these years

and, you know, maybe come by for a little something sweet.

Maxie, when I saw your shrine... It's a poster. I realized how difficult this

must be for you.

So... I reached out to him to tell him the truth so that you could officially

meet each other one day.

Well, I guess there's no time like the present.

Hi.

I didn't properly introduce myself. I'm Max, your daughter.

Your name is Max.

I am meeting you.

Yeah.

They're in there.

I can sense it.

It's my ears, mostly.

Okay, but what is the actual plan?

I'm gonna burst in and keep them from slipping out some other way.

They'll be drawn to you by the sweet smell of peanut butter and freedom.

I run through the door, into the cage, and you slam it shut before they even

realize they're caught.

Got it. Use the mop.

They'll definitely have rabies.

Let's do this.

You're using me as life bait for rabies animals?

Yeah, you'll be fine.

But you can't bail on me now. We're literally just about to... I learned how

open doors.

Yeah!

Rhonda! Got him.

Your plan would have never, ever worked, by the way.

Classic Rhonda.

Well, I guess I'll be going.

I should probably call it a night.

I've got a big day of snacking and disappointing myself tomorrow.

Hey, thanks for lending me a hand.

Sorry it was a great big stupid waste of time.

It wasn't a waste of time.

Thanks. No problem.

Good night.

These are for you.

Oh, thanks. And this is for me.

Cute.

Thanks. Jen, you really don't have to buy dinner.

At least I can do. I love you. You're worth it.

$15 for calamari.

Why would you order an appetizer when you hardly ever even finished the main?

Lunch leftovers.

Sparkling water.

Yeah.

What about carrots?

Ate them. Oh, me too.

Do you like green beans?

Me too. Must be genetic.

Can you do this with your tongue?

Come on, Mom, let's go.

Actually, Marty is going to drive me home, dear.

Oh, is he?

Yes, he is.

We have more to talk about.

You think I don't know what talking really means?

If you guys go for ice cream cones without me, I swear to God... We're not.

promise. Ice cream is the last thing on our mind. Okay, well, I mean it.

Don't be out too late.

Come on.

Let's go for ice cream.

I'm going to try

this one more time.

Too boring?

Too intense?

Too already dated her?

Nope.

Save. Based on your profile changes, we have one new match for you.

Go.

Oh, wow.

Okay, here we go.

What are the three rules of having a boy drive you home, Mom? Don't lift your

top up.

Yeah, keep your top down.

Condoms. And number three,

fill condoms with water and throw them at the assailant. I know I got something

back here.

Is there something?

Oh, my God. The short little arms. Hey.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

God.

I am cool and I'm wise and I'm larger than your life. I am bigger than the

Watch me running to the end of all time. I'll be fine. Watch me breaking through

the finish line.

Finish line.