Original subtitles

Oh, God, it really gets in there.

Oh, Mom, I think that's the pizza.

My nails are drying.

Hey, just leave it on the doorknob. We'll get it when we're done our spa

treatment. What are we going to do today? And don't forget the theme.

Naps and online shopping? No, we get up in the morning with nothing to do. And

by the end of the day, we're halfway done.

Jazz? Hey, Rhonda.

What is all this?

Oh, Mom and I just thought we'd take a little break from responsibilities for a

couple of months. And turns out it's super easy.

Enjoy, Jazz.

Hey, is that my fan mail? Most of it's from the bank. Why is the bank sending

fan mail?

What is happening?

Are we dead?

Did you pay your electric bill? I don't know.

Kale used to do all the boring stuff.

Is having electricity boring? Well, obviously not.

I need it for my bat bullets.

I kind of vaguely remember Todd trying to teach me how to pay my bills once.

So once you're surfing the World Wide Web, you can pay your bills in half the

time. Get your booty on the floor tonight and make my day.

Just have to type in HTTP colon double backslash. Hang on. Maybe that's a

forward slash.

I got news for you.

The Internet is a fad. I'm out of here.

See? Sometimes problems just solve themselves.

I installed a backup generator in 99.

My idea. No. Maybe we'll just never know the truth.

You need a personal assistant.

Bingo, Rhonda.

Will you be my personal assistant?

No.

Yes.

What? Are we going to do for lunch, Mom?

Hi, this is Max from the C -Yard Rock Life. I'm just following up on

your landscaping invoice. Please call me back at your earliest.

So funny.

Hey, I forgot about these.

It's not too late to add them, is it? No, not if they lower our tax bill.

How did after -school pickup go?

How would I know? I wasn't there.

I forgot about our children. Again.

You forgot about your children?

Again. The school secretary called me in the middle of my manicure.

You guys owe me 45 bucks.

You are such a good big sister, Charlie.

It's my fault. I totally lost track of time.

Sorry for the mix -up, girl.

Yes, we totally forgot about you, but remember, we usually don't. Like, 98 %

the time, we don't.

How was school?

It was whatever.

A lot of school pictures back today.

Clearly we forgot about school picture day also.

They look like Victorian orphans. I did my own hair. My teacher cried when she

saw these.

I can see why.

What is wrong with us?

Why does everything seem to be falling through the cracks these days?

I spent $45 on coyote yarn and some of those moles are back.

This is getting real tight.

This is coyote urine, not apple juice. Do not drink it.

Oh, your mom. We need to get it together.

Maybe now it's time to actually hire a nanny.

For our street urchins.

Mom, I would like to extend the opportunity for you to become my

assistant. Not in a million years. years. Why not? What else are you doing?

These past months, I've enjoyed having zero responsibility.

Now I know what it's like to be you, and I love it. You're not wrong. It's

pretty great.

Still, I think you would excel in this position.

I have dementia.

And? Find someone else, dear.

I know you'll make the right choice.

I'm here for my post -mortem interview.

Kale, are you okay? I'm fine.

I've been spending time outside.

I sleep outside.

I'm trying to ground myself.

I'm spending more time on the ground. How can anyone go so far downhill so

Morning, Dad!

Oh, my gosh, I've got some toast for you!

I'm inviting myself inside.

Well, that debunks my vampire theory.

Listen, why don't I call you an Uber? Honestly, Kale, anywhere you want to go,

it's on me.

What if I kick these off?

Uh, no thank you. Helps me feel grounded.

Not in the face.

I've never been fired before.

I don't want to talk about it. What good is it going to do to rehash ancient

history? Don't you think it would be better if we pretended like we never

knew each other?

I wish, but you haunt my dreams. In a good way? In the dream where Thelma and

Louise -ing it, launching our car into the Grand Canyon, but at the last second

you open your passenger door and roll out.

Saving yourself.

Wasn't I wearing a seatbelt?

What? Why wasn't I driving?

I should have been driving. I get really bad motion sickness.

That's true. She's always been a puker.

I gotta take that.

Your landscaping bill hasn't been paid in three months.

Explain to me why I'm chasing my own sister to pay my husband.

A lot of people are asking me for a lot of explanations today. I was under the

impression that Dave was doing my landscaping in exchange for posts on my

social.

I don't even have time to discuss how ridiculous that is. We're interviewing

potential nannies.

Explain. Apparently Dave and I are incapable of running our own household

without Mom.

Oh, I totally get it. Mom and I accidentally became hoarders in the

eye. Yeah, we're looking for a nanny who also does housework. So you're going to

hire someone to help you to do the boring stuff in your life?

Yeah.

Are you... That makes sense.

I'm going to have to reschedule our meeting for another time.

I'm needed at Max and Dave's house.

I'll wait.

Super great.

You may want to sit up, dear. That bread is dense.

Again?

What a lousy piece of stupid... Hey, guys.

Wow. This place is a dump.

Jen?

Hey, Dave, catch.

My car's in a dangerous spot. I think I ran out of gas, maybe.

Which is weird, because I thought it was electric. So why have I been plucking

it in all this time?

I've got a gas can in the garage.

Take your time, Dave.

So that's not actually you?

I'm not even going to ask.

We were just about to start interviewing potential nannies.

That's right. I totally forgot that was happening. I'm just going to hang out

and observe.

Tea?

Pizza bites?

Thanks. When was the last time you slept?

There. I just did.

I actually had the craziest dream. You were there.

Was I at least driving?

Is this what eating your emotions feels like?

Because I love it.

It's good you're eating.

In fact, I wish I had your appetite.

You don't have to be nice to me.

I know you were always team Todd.

Oh, yes. I consider Todd a friend.

But he's doing great these days and you're lying on the floor of my

house. Can I ask, why'd you come?

Jan fired me. I did not respond well to that.

Some of my other clients dropped me. I did not respond well to that.

I came here looking for closure.

I'm just tired of feeling this way.

If you want to feel different, you might be able to help.

Are you referring to drugs?

Well, sometimes I forget to eat. These keep my appetite up.

But they also mellow me out.

Make it more likely for me to enjoy Seth Rogen movies.

You're not a cop, are you? Because if you are, this isn't Trapman.

It's legal now.

I was marrying your cousin.

Did you take some already?

How many?

I don't know.

Five?

Is that too much?

Oh, no, we were going to split one.

Am I going to die?

Here? In Chance's house?

No, but buckle up, Thelma. You're going in for the ride of your life. I'm the

Louise of this situation.

Oh, okay, okay, but I won't let you... What is it that Charlie says?

Trip balls alone.

I think I'm feeling something.

Oh, too soon. You're probably feeling that banana bread.

Easy, Dave.

I'll get her home. At least to a highway in the middle of nowhere.

Perfect.

So, this is Elise.

Hi. Hi. Pleased to meet you. Pleased to meet you.

A little bit about the job.

It's part -time. It's largely looking after the baby, mostly putting her down

for bed, that sort of thing. Some lighthouse work, keeping the kids on

Awesome. I have three years' experience with little ones, so that'll really not

be a problem. Okay, let's get this interview going. Question.

Do you believe in rewarding good behavior with treats?

Absolutely not. Makes the child weak.

Wrong. Next question. Are you available on weekends? I need my self -care time

so I can have energy for the baby or whatever.

Would you ever wake a sleeping baby?

I suppose.

If there was somewhere you needed to be, I'd never wake a sleeping baby.

Ever. How would you handle tantrums? Is it me or are these questions decent? Is

she actually here to help?

Are my teeth moving?

It feels like my teeth are moving. Am I talking too loud?

Show me, show me, baby.

Uh,

what's up, guys?

Charlie, you're here. My beautiful grandson.

I was just thinking about you.

Like when you called me and told me to bring you $40 worth of salty snacks and

$20 worth of sweet ones?

You didn't tell your mother you were coming over, did you? No.

Oh. Thank God. Oh, I love Maxine, but she's a huge buzzkill.

Harsh, but agreed.

Kale, what are you doing here?

What am I doing here? Are there hands on my face?

No, I think there's heads on my face.

So you're both tripping balls.

What did you take and how much?

We took five.

Five? What?

I got this.

Did you each take five of these?

Yes. And grape is the best.

Graham, what were you thinking? The paranoia is going to be kicking in any

minute now.

All of these questions.

He's working for the po -po. Don't say po -po.

Get out of here, narc.

There's the door.

I'll put on a kettle for tea.

No, don't.

I hear that you have over a decade experience with infants and young

It does, and I do.

Can you describe your caregiving philosophy?

Well, put it this way. I'm a Capricorn, but my rising sign is Aries.

Can you translate that for us non -hippies? Oh, I'm organized yet playful.

I take care of everything behind the scenes so you can just live your life.

Well, what do you see as the biggest mistake that parents make?

Processed foods.

I believe organic and homemade is the way to go. Gross.

Not when I add my organic honey from my personal hive.

I keep my own bees.

Weird, yet delicious.

We have a fairly chaotic environment. Juggling the kids' schedules with the

babies can be tough.

I once potty trained twins as well as the family caddy.

No more litter box.

I didn't know that was possible.

I love a challenge.

Well, you sound terrific.

Trey, so we'll let you know when we've made a decision. I look forward to

hearing from you. All right.

Thank you.

Well, I forgot that Kale is on my kitchen floor. I should probably go home

see if she's dead.

Trey!

Trey, I didn't want to say anything in front of Max and Dave because they're

family. But you should know, my sister and brother -in -law don't believe in

science.

Or deodorant. Oh, wow.

They do, however, believe in Satan.

Satan? They're not sacrificing goats or anything like that. That's very

advanced. But they definitely worship the dark lord.

But they seem so normal.

Sloppy and kind of like they've given up on hygiene and home decorating. But

normal. Trey, looks can be deceiving.

I'm totally normal.

And I happen to meet someone like you at my house, which is way nicer than this

house. Hop in.

I have my own vehicle. It's electric.

Me too.

Follow me.

I will pay you double.

They were like that when I got here.

What's going on? And where's the baby?

You're looking at her.

Tuna salad and a hot dog bun. Yeah, well, tuna's the dog of the sea.

I still haven't heard back from Trey. He must have gotten my message by now.

Maybe he didn't like us.

No, you know what? I can see that. You do have an annoying laugh.

Hmm. Jan had some good questions today, don't you think?

She was quite helpful for someone with her own problems.

Yeah, seriously.

Firing your manager, getting dumped by Cynthia?

Isn't that her purse?

Oh.

Earth potato?

Oh, yeah, that's her.

Oh. Do you want me to drive it out to her?

No.

I'll go.

Give me a chance to say hi to Mom. I miss her.

And not just because she used to vacuum in between the couch cushions. Hey, to

be fair, we let her keep all the loose change.

by on an out. You literally drop by my house every day.

Sometimes you just take yogurts out of the fridge. You don't even say hi.

Gut health is important.

You've got yours.

Oh, thank you so much. See you later. Can I come in? I want to say hi to Mom.

Oh, Mom is sleeping.

So early? Is she feeling okay?

Well, not sleeping.

What I meant is she's in the bath.

Okay. Well, I'm not in a rush. It's not a good time, Max. What's going on?

It's 9 o 'clock.

Trey? Oh, crap. Hide.

You poached our nanny?

Fill the darkness.

Okay, there's no need to get upset.

I had to make a huge sacrifice with our second choice.

I hate that.

Yeah.

What did you tell him? I told him that you don't use deodorant, which is true,

because you use that weird crystal thing.

Also, you worship Lucifer.

I cannot believe you.

I actually thought that you came to help. I should have known that you

something. There's plenty of nannies in the sea.

Hey, wait, where are you? going?

There's so much negativity in this family. I can't have that in my life.

Sorry, but you're gonna have to find someone else to be your adult baby

Okay, Trey, I lied to you.

There's technically nothing wrong with my sister or her family. They're just

annoying, especially Dave's laugh, but that is it.

Oh, thanks.

You're welcome, Max.

The truth is, I've lost everything.

I've lost my career.

I've lost my girlfriend.

It's hard starting over again.

And I'm scared about what's coming.

I need help.

I need help with everything in my life. I literally have no support system. This

one I've clearly ruined. This one is so old she can barely carry my bags up the

stairs. I can. I just don't care to.

And this one clearly can't take a joke. What is funny about calling me a devil

worshiper? See?

Trey, would you please stay and just let me be your baby?

You know what, Trey? You should take this job.

Jan needs serious help.

Thank you, Max.

And she'll cover your mileage.

And she'll throw in dental.

Deal.

Are they down?

Yep. Good.

My time went well.

Thanks for today, Nora.

You're welcome, dear.

Are you feeling grounded?

Yeah, I'm good.

Nighty -night.

It's easy dealing with high adults. They're just like toddlers.

Well, you did say you liked the challenge.

Also, I've been putting off a couple of root canals, so this is going to be

great. I already feel like things are more control around here.

Good night, Dad.

How much money you got in the bank, Mom?

How long do you think we can last here?

You know the mistake we made, Mom, is that most of this stuff needs batteries.

Although this does remind me of an IUD I had in 1979.

Oh.

You know, people have asked me a lot of questions about my beaver. I think you

should keep it private.

That is delicious, honey.

You're bursitis?

Oh. You should probably have it removed.

Oh. There's just some things you can't do to yourself.