All language subtitles for gimbocarleric.giloco

[Planes SCREAM]

- [Grandpa:]
Apologies, Herr Hitler.

Your bombers won't get through
tonight.

[Machinegun FIRE]

- [Grandpa:]
Taka-taka-taka-taka-taka.

[He IMITATES swooping plane]

Tooka-tooka-tooka-tooka-too.

One down.

17 to go.

- Dad?

Oh, Dad,
where are you?

Dad?

[He GASPS]

[Tyres SQUEAL]

Oh, no.

[Grandpa IMITATES planes]

- [Adult Jack: NARRATING]
There's my grandpa.

But he wasn't always
this confused.

Take this, Jerry!

Taka-taka-taka-taka
taka-taka...

- He was once the Royal Air Force's

bravest Spitfire pilot.

That was during World War II

but our story takes place
40 years later,

in the 1980's.

I wasn't like the other kids at
school,

I didn't want a Rubik's Cube,
or a mullet.

I was happiest with my World War II
model planes from Grandpa's stories.

The best day of the week
was always Saturday.

That was the day that me and my
sister Shelley would see Grandpa.

If we were really lucky,
he would take us to the war museum.

It was him or me.
I press on my machineguns.

The air was filled with bullets,
smoke, fire,

I'd hit my first Messerschmitt,

the Luftwaffe pilot,
who parachuted down,

I let him be.

- Then it was back
to base and Grandpa

would take us
on a top-secret mission.

Right, off we go,
canopy secure?

- Check.
- Fuel gauge on full?

- Check.
- Up, up and away!

- Up, up and away!

- It was the happiest of times.
- [Jack:] Up, up and away!

- But times changed.

Grandpa became more forgetful.

[Grandpa HUMS]

- He'd forget
he'd made a cup of tea...

and make another one.
[Kettle WHISTLES]

So I tried to help.

Every week, I got his shopping.

Waiter,
this is corked.

- In spite of his medication,

Grandpa wasn't getting
any better.

In fact...,
he was getting worse.

Morning, Grandpa,
time for your doctor's appointment.

We'll just wait for Peggy.

My dear wife Peggy,
just getting ready.

She won't be a minute.

Peggy's not here, Grandpa.

She died during the war.

Did she?

My darling Peggy.

It's OK, Grandpa,

I'll look after you.

- I wish I could say my
family helped with Grandpa,

but they had
their own things going on.

This is my sister, she got older and
was only interested in Duran Duran.

Marry me, Simon Le Bon.
[Song: Rio by Duran Duran]

[Bell RINGS]

- Mum was a high roller
in the beauty business.

Avon calling!

- Dad worked for the council.

He always claimed he was
head of road maintenance

but Mum said he was in
charge of traffic cones.

It certainly was his favourite
topic of conversation.

- So guess where traffic cones
were first used in the UK.

- Nobody cares, Barry.

No, the correct answer is the M6.

- Occasionally, it was like it used to be.
- [War film on TV]

How fast is that Spitfire going,
Grandpa?

Top speed, 360 miles an hour,
near enough.

I'd give anything...

anything...

to fly one again.

- The funny thing was,
Grandpa wasn't confused

when he talked about the war

and that gave me an idea.

Good morning, Wing Commander.

Squadron Leader.

The medical officer wants to know if
you've had your energy pills today?

Righty-ho, down the hatch.

- I'd just pretend
the war was still on.

Anything further from air command?

They want us to keep physically
fit for the coming battle.

- Kick about in the park?
- Good call.

- Which was fine, when it
was just Grandpa and me.

But harder with all the family.

- Now, the story behind making traffic
cones orange is a fascinating one.

- [Sister HUMS]

- This tea's off.
- That's gravy, Dad.

Dad? You're not my son, my
son's a little, little baby.

[He LAUGHS]

Whatever next?

- [Mum:]
He's got worse,

much worse.
He'd be best off in a...

[WHISPERS:] home.
- He is in a home, Mum.

HIS home,
and he's happy there.

He's drinking from the gravy boat,
Jack,

the gravy boat!

- Wing Commander?
- Squadron Leader?

You're in the mess hall
and the charlady...

- I beg your pardon?
- ... has just served up your rations.

Oh, oh, I see, jolly good.

I don't know if you should be
pretending it's the war, Jack.

What if he attacks that nice
German lady who works in Bejam's?

- [Sister SINGS off key]

This food..., is diabolical.

Then we can have the
charlady taken out and shot!

I'm trying to help.

- So we tried to play along
and that worked out for a while

until one night,

Dad found Grandpa,
sitting on the church roof.

Love?
He's on the church roof this time.

I don't know how he got up there.

There's only one person
who can get him down.

- You are joking?

This is a saga now.

- [Dad:] We need Jack, you know
how close he is to his grandpa.

- It's too late.

Jack's got a geography test tomorrow
and I've got a ton of make-up to shift.

Or do you want a garage full
of unsold Bucks Fizz eyeshadow?

- I'm going to help Grandpa, Mum,
it's up to you if you come or not.

Well, let me get this off first.

Come on, Mum!

[Musical horn BLARES]

[Music: Cars by Gary Numan]

- What time do you call this?

Mum,
stop ruining everything for me.

We will have words later,
young lady.

Are you Shelley's sister?

No, silly, I'm her mum but I
know, I look young for my age.

- And you must be...?
- Dazza,

but I do often get
mistaken for Simon Le Bon.

Oh, yeah,
I bet you do.

- Mum?
- I want you in bed in one minute.

Goodnight, Mrs Shelley's mum.

- I can see you.
- [KISS]

[He IMITATES SIREN]

He's gone completely cuckoo.

Oh, Jack, help him, please.

- What in St Peter's name
is going on here?

[Music: Theme from The Omen]

Get down off my roof,
you vandal!

- Think you're a good shot, hey?
We'll see about that!

My father gets a little
confused sometimes.

Confused?
He's certifiable.

What if he falls off?

I don't want to spend me
morning scooping him up.

You want us to fetch
the air rifle, Reverend?

- [All:] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, that'll bring him down.

- That worked for the pigeons, didn't it?
- No, please, just wait.

Wing Commander,
this is base, over.

What? this is Wing Commander,
reading you loud and clear.

Your mission has been a great
success, return to base.

Roger that!

- [Mum:]
Oh!

[Grandpa CHUCKLES]

- Oh, hang on, hang on,

he's going to fall...

- Oh.

Well, I never.

Fall out, men.

Wing Commander, let me
escort you to your transport,

there's drinks in the officers' mess.

Yeah, just the job, Squadron Leader.

[He GROANS]

- Oh, no, oh, no.

No, no, I'm fine.

Shouldn't have eaten
that pickled egg.

Poor soul.

I do bring a lot of comfort to the
old and the infirm of the parish.

I'd love to help, if I could.

We just want what's best
for us, I mean him.

Yeah, I mean, there is the most
wonderful care home nearby,

Twilight Towers.

[Ravens CAW]

- I don't think he'd like that.
- Oh no, it's heavenly,

it's like Disneyland
for coffin dodgers.

[They CHUCKLE]

Grandpa's not going in a home.

- Yeah, trouble is, it's
very often very, very full.

What a shame.

- But then, I have a very good
relationship with Miss Dandy,

who runs Twilight Towers,

she just might be able
to squeeze him in.

- Perfect.
- No!

No, we need to discuss
this as a family first.

Might be too late but,
yeah, of course.

Oh, yeah, why don't you take
with you this, er, colour

brochure of Twilight Towers
and this is for you, boy.

They say it's a little...
gonk.

It's got googly eyes...

just like your grandad.

That's lovely.
Goodnight.

Oh, goodnight, God bless you,
God bless you, obviously.

It looks lovely,

it's more like a hotel than
somewhere you get put to die.

Charlady, this is the worst
roast beef I have ever tasted.

It's not roast beef,

it's fish pie, and for the last
time, I'm not your charlady.

Your son,
has something to tell you.

We had a new order of traffic
cones in, they're reflective.

Barry!

Dad...

you know we all love you very much?

But the thing is, it...

- Spit it out, airman,
choppity-chop.

After what happened last week,

we thought it might
be best if...

- If you came here to live with us.
- You what?

He could share my bedroom.

- Well, we can't cope with him here.
- Well, it's not a bad idea.

Er, he'd better not hog the bathroom,

- it takes me ages to crimp my hair
in the mornings. - I'm sorry, but...

I accept, though the
catering had better improve.

I'll tell the charlady.

Where am I going, again?

- Our house, Dad.

- You're coming to live with us.
- On a trial basis.

Yeah, I live here, Peggy
won't know where I've got to.

Son?

Wing Commander...,
due to enemy activity,

the air commander wants you to
lodge at alternative quarters.

Why didn't they just say?

Charity shop, sale,

rubbish, rubbish, rubbish, rub...

This is not rubbish.

Wing Commander?

Let me take you to the tuck shop.

Oh, jolly good.

[Bell RINGS]

Ah-ha,
my two favourite customers,

Mr Bumting and Master Bumting.

It's Bunting.

Bumting, like I said.

Hello there, Quartermaster.

I have very special offer for today,

15 cans of...

Quatro,

for the price of 14.

Er..., no thanks.

What has a hazelnut in every bite?

Topic!

Or any of these other bars which
melted in the window with it.

I'm quite partial to a Smartie.

Those I have, both!

Traditional and
limited edition green ones.

Really, they're mouldy Revels.

Er, standard issue will be fine.

Er, you will find them under the puzzle
magazines next to the correcting fluid.

You look troubled,
Master Bumting.

Grandpa's coming to live with us.

Splendid.

I just..., I worry about
whether it'll work out.

Do not fret, Indian families
always take in the older generation,

it works without fail,
even when Auntie Pia sings

Wham Rap

at the top of her voice when
I'm trying to watch the snooker.

Either,
Grandpa comes to live with us,

or he'll be sent to,
Twilight Towers.

Oh, no.

- What?
- Oh, no, no.

I've heard very bad things
about Twilight Towers.

- What? - They say the only
way out of that place is...

in a coffin.

[TV:]
♪ Do you really want to hurt me ♪

What a fine-looking woman.

- We can't leave him in
the house on his own.

No.

Well, what are we going to do?

Tomorrow's the launch of the
Country Diary Of An Edwardian Lady

roll-on deodorant.

Well, I've got a really
big day at work tomorrow,

I've got to test all
the new traffic cones.

- Have I ever told you how
I judge them? - Many times.

- Durability,
colour, attractive shape.

Why did I marry you?

- Jack, you're going on a
school trip tomorrow? - Yep.

Well, you'll have to take Grandpa
with you. Where are you going?

- War museum.
- Perfect.

You can take him along.
He loves a bit of war.

Fine replicas, Squadron Leader.

I wish they were real.

The Spitfire's like nothing else,

you can turn on a sixpence.

Grandpa?
When you...

- Er, we need to listen
out for enemy aircraft.

- [Musical car horn BLARES]

[Tyres SCREECH]

That's Shelley's stupid boyfriend,
Dazza.

Mum, I mean, the air commander,
says lights out by 9:00.

I hope you don't snore,
I can't abide snorers.

- I don't think I do.
- Well, goodnight, Squadron Leader

and thank you for sharing your
quarters, very decent of you.

Glad to help, sir.
Goodnight.

[He SNORES]

[Engines ROAR]

- Right, everyone,
Rubik's Cubes down!

Eyes up, looking!

Looking!

I want to remind everyone
that this is an educational trip,

we will not have a repeat of
the tomfoolery at the zoo...

I don't want to find a live
penguin in Gavin Macey's rucksack!

Got that?!
Good.

You're not in year six,
why are you here?

- He's my grandpa, Miss.
- Yeah, I can surmise that.

He was a Spitfire pilot in the war.

Well, if he promises to be
educational, he can come.

- Thank you, Miss.
- Now,

everyone has a questionnaire...

[All: GROAN]

- And nobody is allowed in the gift shop

until it has been filled out
and that is a fact, am I clear?

[All:]
Yes, Miss Verity.

- Good. And here's yours, coach
driver. Neatest handwriting, please.

Right, everyone off, please, no
talking, no laughing, no dawdling.

- Oi, you lot,

don't climb on the tanks.

I've been here before.

Yes, you have, many times. You
took me, Grandpa, do you remember?

What's my Spitfire doing
hanging from the ceiling?

- What's wrong with your grandad?
- Nothing.

These, these pilots are very young.

New recruits.

Ah.

Oh, I see.

- How are you getting on?

- Are you stuck? - The stupid
answer's not on the stupid board.

I can help you with that.

I was there.
You see,

the Nazis wanted
to bomb the life out of us,

so they could invade
and take us over.

Herr Hitler sent huge squadrons
of Junkers and Messerschmitts

over the coast,

the sky was black
with them.

RAF pilots had to stop the Nazi
bombers from getting through.

We were young
and frightened, not,

well, not that much older
than you are.

My squadron was the first to
be scrambled up, up and away.

I pushed my Spitfire

past 300mph.

- Wow.
- It...

you see,

they outnumbered us,
oh, four to one,

so to stand any chance, we had to
get above them before they got here.

We waited up there,
until the enemy were so close

we could see the swastikas on their
tails and then I gave the order...

DIVE!

- [She CLEARS throat]

When did all this happen,
exactly?

Sorry?

The children need dates
for the exam.

Facts, facts and more facts.
Facts are all that matter.

Oh, well it was, er, yeah, last Monday.

[All: CHUCKLE]

I hardly think so!

No, no, oh, no, no, sorry I tell a lie,
er, last, er, last Sunday.

- All right, settle down, everyone.

The Battle of Britain was not
last Sunday, it took place

between July and October 1940,
make a note of that, class.

That's what I'm saying!

Jack, I'm sure your grandfather
means well

but he is a very old
and confused man.

Hey, maybe he did do
something during the war,

but I very much doubt that
he was a Spitfire pilot.

- He was.
- Can I have a word? In private.

You grandfather is not welcome
on any more school trips.

- But Miss!
- That is a fact.

Right, class, this way, please!

Turn to question 98
in your questionnaire...

Grandpa?

- Grandpa!
- Psst!

Up here, Squadron Leader.

What are you doing up there?

Looking for my log book, I wanted
to prove that awful woman wrong.

It's wonderful to be
back in my plane again,

they won't mind if I took
her for a spin, would they?

- Um...,
I think they might.

- Oi,
what are you playing at?

Look out, it's the SS.

[STIRRING music]

Code... Man, man in a plane,
repeat code - man in a plane.

Take him down, Squadron Leader.

I'll make a break for it.

[Alarm bell RINGS]

I can't take him down,
he's ginormous.

That is really hurtful.

[Boath GROAN]

- Jack! You tell your grandfather
to come down this...

[Both GROAN]

- ... instant.
- You fell on my face!

Run for it!

[Song: Just Can't Get Enough
by Depeche Mode]

♪ When I'm with you, baby ♪

♪ I go out of my head ♪

♪ And I just can't get enough ♪

♪ And I just can't get enough ♪

♪ All the things you do to me ♪

♪ And everything you said ♪

♪ I just can't get enough ♪

♪ I just can't get enough ♪

♪ And when it rains ♪

♪ You're shining down for me ♪

♪ I just can't get enough ♪

♪ I just can't get enough ♪
- [Sirens WAIL]

Sugar.

- We've been sat in here waiting
for ages. - Yes...

classic Gestapo mind games.

Prisoner of war camp for me,

as long as it's not Colditz.

I won't let them take you away.

- Sorry I've let you down,
old chap.

You didn't,
and you never will.

Mum, Dad, you can't let
Grandpa be thrown into prison.

Well, it's not up to us, the
police told us what happened.

Your grandfather damaged
a very valuable plane.

- I don't think there'll
be any need for prison.

[Music: Theme from The Omen]

Let me make a call for you,
shall I?

Oh, thank you, Reverend.

[CHUCKLES]

- We are so pleased to see you.

Hello, Miss Dandy?
Yeah, it's me.

I have a gentleman here
in desperate need of help.

No, well, I can sort everything
here with the duty sergeant

at the police station
but might you,

as a huge favour to me, be able to
squeeze him in to Twilight Towers?

Colditz.

- She's gone to find out.
- She's gone to find out.

Oh, she's... She's coming
back, that's quick, innit?

Oh, you can, oh, you can,
oh, that's marvellous,

you're a life-saver,
Miss Dandy.

Thank you.

Oh, rejoice, rejoice.

- Thank you so much, Vicar.
You are a good man.

Oh, thank you, thank you.
Anything for my flock.

- But... - Would you rather he
went to prison, boy? Huh? Huh?

No...

[CHUCKLES]

[Dogs BARK in the distance]

You enjoying your toad
in the hole, Dazza?

Oh, delicious,
Mrs Shelley's mum.

I think it might be the
nicest dinner I've ever had.

Oh.

A bit OTT?

Is that my beer?

He's our guest, Dad?

Can we go and see Grandpa
after dinner?

No, Jack, he'll be too
busy in his new place.

All those baskets to weave.

Shelley tells me
you work at the garage?

Yeah, I used to be YTS
but they took me on full time

because an Austin Princess
fell on Mark Lansom's leg!

Oh, that was a stroke of luck.

So, don't tell me,
you must be a model.

No, no,

but I have been known to grace
the cover of the Avon brochure.

Mum!

- Oh, you'll have to give me one.

I'll stick it on the wall at
work, next to Linda Lusardi.

Absolutely not!

- Let me see if I can
find you one. - Mum!

- Oi, Barry, do us a favour.
- What?

Get rid of all the traffic
cones between my gaff and work!

That would be against the
traffic cone code of conduct.

I bet that's interesting reading!

Ah.

How do we know if Grandpa's too busy?

He needs a rest, love.

- We didn't want to tell you,
son, but Grandpa has a...

weak heart.

But... he's going to be all right?

I do kung fu.

How wonderful for you.

- Yeah, I'll teach you if you like,
junior, learn from the master.

Oh.

No, thanks.

Well, you ever get in trouble,
you know where to come.

I'm like a kung fu expert, I've
seen Enter The Dragon 17 times.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Um, I've got to go up
and do my homework.

Homework?
[Dazza SPLUTTERS]

I never bothered with homework.

Which I deeply regret, because
you should always, always,

do your homework.

You know,
unless Knight Rider's on.

He's had three.

He's had three.

[Sinister SCORE]

[GONG]

[Locks BANG]

What?

- Er, hello,

I was hoping
to visit my grandfather.

We're closed for visitors.

Please.

Matron!

[FOOTSTEPS approach]

Urgh.

[Ravens CAW]

Can I help you, boy?

I'm here to visit my
grandfather, Mr Bunting.

Oh, the new arrival.

We'll, he'll just have had
his yummy pills

and now he'll be having
his super snooze.

Is he all right?

- We're really close.
- Really?

Because he hasn't mentioned you.

Nurse Blossom, Nurse Rose,

has Mr Bunting mentioned
his grandson at all?

- [Both:] Nah.
- No,

I think Grandpa's
forgotten all about you.

No, he can't have.

Visiting hours are between 3:00
and 3:15 every alternate Sunday.

Until then, kindly bog off.

[Gate BOOMS]

- Right, it's time to go,
everyone. Hurry up.

I've barely touched my Viennetta.

Come on, Shelley, we
need to go visit Grandpa.

I'm not coming, I've
got to tape the charts.

And I need to test this lip
liner on next door's cat.

Oh, come on, Mum.

Oh, I don't know,
look at all the balloons.

Welcome, welcome.

Are you having a party today?

Every day is party day
at Twilight Towers.

Oh, come in and see for yourself.

[Music: The Birdie Song by The Tweets]

Yes, we do like to give the
old folk the very best time.

I mean, we can't be sure how
much time they've got left.

Which reminds me, did you bring
Mr Bunting's documentation,

the passport, the driving
licence, the will?

Yes, yes, of course.

Put them all in the study
with the rest of them, please.

Well, what a lovely visit,

we'll see you again in two weeks.
- Where's Grandpa?

He's very, very tired,
he didn't want to see you.

I don't believe you.

Nurse Blossom!

Will you fetch Mr Bunting?

You're a very demanding boy.

Dad?

Dad?

Are you there?

- We bought you a soap on a rope.

- I've got your favourite sweets.
- Oh, he's fast asleep, bless.

What have they done to you?

Um...,

I think I might take
Grandpa out into the garden,

the air might perk him up a little bit.

All clear, Wing Commander.

Sorry about that, Squadron
Leader, er, I'll have those now.

Er, had to pretend to be asleep,
the guards here in Colditz,

they force feed us sleeping pills.

We get given them morning and night.

Luckily, I managed to hide
mine under my moustache.

Three nights ago, I undertook
a reconnaissance mission.

I saw the Kommandant doing something
very strange with a pile of papers.

- I leave...

all my worldly goods...

to...

She must be forging the wills,
taking all the money.

- Then I found a room
with valuables in it.

And a number of coffins.

Could there be some mysterious
connection?

[FOOTSTEPS - THUD]

I'm not sure it's that mysterious.

- Well, since then, they've
increased the patrols.

We have to break you out.

Too right, we do, but the
trouble is they're suspicious,

they've increased my
sleeping pill dose as well,

my moustache isn't big enough
to hide them all, look, see,

they're like sweets,
they don't taste as nice.

Then why not take these
instead? You could switch them.

Oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, genius.

Raj had a special offer,
11 tubes for the price of 12.

Yes, you're going to have to work
on your maths, Squadron Leader.

- No, these are just the ticket.
- What else do you need?

Well, any escape attempt
requires string, lots of string.

- String.
- Do you have a Browning revolver?

- Er, no. - Arsenic?
- I don't think so.

- Flame-thrower?
- Tricky.

Then, just make sure
you've plenty of string.

More string.
When will we do it?

Well, I've to finish my map,
compile a weather report

and I'm halfway through a
jigsaw of Big Ben at twilight.

There's quite a lot of sky to fill in.

Tomorrow night?

Now, Squadron Leader, are you sure
you volunteer for this mission?

It will be dangerous.

- I'll be here.
- Brave chap.

- Ah, there you are!

Still nattering 31 seconds

after visiting hours
have actually finished.

Gramps, you must be exhausted.

What you really need now
is a very long nap.

- See you soon, Dad.
- Take care.

Don't worry, I shall be keeping a
very close eye on him day and night.

[Song: Girls On Film
by Duran Duran]

Why wouldn't you come
and see Grandpa?

- Shut up, you're talking over
Duran Duran. - I don't care.

Blah, blah, blah,
I'm Simon Le Bon

and I've got a stupid French name,
even though I'm from Pinner.

Uh.

Why don't you care about
Grandpa any more?

I did care about him, I did,
but he's not Grandpa any more,

he's someone else,
it's scary.

No.

He's still Grandpa and he cares
about us like he always did...

even if you don't.

[Song on radio: 9 To 5
by Dolly Parton]

♪ Working 9 to 5 ♪

♪ what a way to make a living ♪

♪ Barely getting by,
it's all taking and no giving ♪

♪ They just use your mind
and you never get the credit ♪

♪ It's enough to drive you
crazy if you let it... ♪

Dazza?

Oh.
Hello.

[Music STOPS]

You said, if I was ever in trouble,
you'd teach me kung fu.

Yes,
grasshopper,

er, listen to the master.
So the secret of kung fu

is that you have to hit someone
as hard as you can

and shout kung fu.

All right, 'kung fu'!

So...
you don't know kung fu?

- Great. Don't tell Shelley I've been
here. - Well, where are you going?

To see Grandpa,
but don't tell her that.

- Do tell her or don't tell her?
- Don't.

Don't do tell her or do
don't tell her?

[Thunder RUMBLES]

[Owl HOOTS]

[He GRUNTS]

Twit-twoo!

Event of my inevitable death,
the sole beneficiary...

Me.

- [Grandpa:]
Grab it.

- It's made from...
- Ladies' knickers, yes.

Where did you get them all?

Well, well, they're not mine, if
that's what you're trying to say.

- Come on. - I'm not going to
escape in my pyjamas...

... the shame!
- We don't have long!

Wing Commander!
Ready?

Er, absolutely.
Just one little thing...

[He WHISTLES]

Orderly fashion, please.

How many people have you got up there?

Er, not more than 20. I...
I shared out my Smarties.

- But, Grandpa!
- No buts.

It's every British prisoner
of war's duty to escape.

Right, everybody, who's first?

Would you put the kettle on?
I'm parched.

Would anyone like a
game of contract whist?

- Oh, this is hatch...
is too small.

Listen...,

excuse me...,

is there a
powder room in the vicinity?

I beg your pardon?

I wish to visit the lavatorium.

I'm desperate for a wazz!

You'll just have to hold it in for
a little while, madam,

for King and country.

Come on!
What are you doing?

There's no need to be irate, dear.

- What did he say?
- You all have to get down now.

Where are we going?

We could be down already,
if you stopped barking at us.

I can't do it, I can't abide heights.

Well, it's just like riding a bike.

I've never ridden a bike.

Perhaps

if YOU
could show me...

Very well.

[She MUTTERS]

- I didn't mean leave me.
- I'll catch you.

- Do you promise?
- Absolutely.

Well, in that case...

here I come!

[She GROANS]

You see?

Nothing to worry about.

- Argh.
My foot's caught in the gusset!

Oh, dear.

- Did she see you?
- No, I think I got away with it.

[Air raid sirens WAIL]

Quick, head east-northeast.

- Well, that way. - We'll never make it
past the searchlights.

You will if we create a diversion.

Come on find them, find
them... Find them now!

Over here!

Ah, I should've known.

A mass escape attempt
with you as the ringleader.

It was all my idea.
Please let Grandpa go.

This young chap
had nothing to do with it,

I claim full responsibility.

Oh, shut up.
Do you know what this is?

- Looks like a toasting fork.
- It's a cattle prod!

- Where'd you get that?
- It was a birthday present.

That's a funny sort of birthday present.

- It's what I asked for!
- Pfft.

It can knock a man out cold...

[SIZZLES]

Torture is strictly forbidden
on prisoners of war.

You'll never dare use it.

Which one of you was responsible
for dishing out the sleeping

pills this afternoon?

Me, Miss.

[WAILS]

- It's a chap!
- Yes, hadn't you noticed?

No, and I've been caught out a few
times before, come to think of it.

Get them.

Go on.

Kung fu!

Oh!

- It works.
- Well done, Squad...

He's a chap, as well.

- Charge, recharge!
- What shall we do now?

Well, we've got to keep
them away from the POWs.

- Let go of my foot!
- So up here!

Let go!

[She HUMS]

- Where now?
- I haven't thought that far ahead.

We're not giving up without
a fight, Herr Kommandant.

Kommandant?

I think you must've lost what
remains of your tiny mind.

The war was over 40 years ago.

You're nothing
but a sad...

little...

old man.
[SIZZLES]

- Oh, sorry...

but I really am bursting for the loo.

Ah!

- You're picking those up.
- Yes, excuse me.

Come here!

AH!

She's out cold. We have
to escape while we can.

We can't leave without Miss Trifle.

How much longer are you going to be?

- I can't go at all,
if you're listening in.

Oh, there's only the cheap,
scratchy paper.

Well, yeah, well, you'll have to
make do, madam, there's a war on.

[Toilet FLUSHES]

Um, er, I'd leave it a few
moments, if I were you.

Follow me.

How did you get the cricket bat?

There's no way out.

- I've got an idea, something
Raj told me. - What?

That there's just one way
out of here, this way.

[Song: Two Tribes
by Frankie Goes To Hollywood]

That's made me angry.

I've got a plan
but we need some wheels.

Wheels? I know just the place.
You look after Miss Trifle.

Come out, come out.

♪ When two tribes go to war... ♪

- Stop pushing!
- I'm not pushing.

There's no need to be rude.

Mission accomplished.
I've got the roller-skates.

So now we have to attach
them here and here.

Bolt the doors!
No-one escapes!

- HALT!
- What did he say? - Stop!

You see?

For a good old-fashioned escape,
you always need plenty of string.

I hope you're not going to
ask me to sit in that coffin.

Oh, I, absolutely not, madam.

- Thank goodness.
- I'm ordering you.

I'm doing it,

but under duress.

You too, Wing Commander.

Hold on a second, I've left
something under my mattress.

- We don't have time!
- I must have it.

So...,

is your grandfather single?

- Um...,
I think so, why?

- No reason.
- What are you two nattering about?

- [Both:] Nothing.
- Ready?

Oh, my goodness,
it's a coffin toboggan!

It's a coffboggan!

- Stand your ground!
- Geronimo!

Oh, oh, can we do it again?
Again!

- Yeah, tempting, madam,
but now's not the time. - Oh.

Come on, what are you waiting
for? Get up and chase them.

Or do you want me to,
to shock you into it?

Shocks...

[She SHRIEKS]

[Air raid SIRENS]

- You made it.
- I don't know how we'll get over.

What are we going to do?

I'm sorry, I don't know, we're trapped.

- What we really need is...
- A ladder?

Yeah, that's right, yeah...
Who said that?

Shelley!

All right, wrinklies, over we come.

Chop chop, we ain't got all day.

I know you, don't I?

Shelley Bunting of the Women's
Airforce Auxiliary Service

reporting for duty, sir.

I was missing in action but,
I'm back now.

Good to have you here,
Shelley.

Very good indeed.

Right, fine work, people but
we need to find a safe haven,

so fall in and
by the left,

quick march.

Left, right...

[Music: Colonel Bogey March]

- Company... halt!

We will report Miss
Dandy to the authorities.

And have a nice cup of tea.

Perhaps the police would
like a game of gin rummy.

- This has been the most

exciting night of my life.

Just doing my duty.

My hero.

[ROMANTIC music]

[KISS]

- Back to base?
- Actually,

I'm feeling quite peckish.
- Raj's will be open.

[Musical horn BLARES]

- Anyone want a lift?
- Oh, oh.

[Song: Hungry Like The Wolf
by Duran Duran]

What,
don't you have any proper music?

- Er, this is proper music.
- I've got some Spandau Ballet.

Spandau Ballet?!

Mr Bumting, you escaped!

Of course we did,
for King and country.

Oh, this is a cause for celebration.

Take whatever you want,
anything at all.

- Thank you.
- Yes, most kind.

That'll be £3.20.

- Mum will be up soon.
- But...

We'd better go home,
I mean, to our quarters.

Absolutely not, the Luftwaffe
could strike at any moment.

It's bedtime, Grandpa.

The Nazis won't be asleep.
Get me to my Spitfire,

I need to take to the skies!

Er, Mr Bumting?

It would greatly help the war effort,
er,

if you could, er, put these
spicy Nik Naks on that shelf.

Oh, of course, Quartermaster.

He's got worse.

It's all my fault.

I pretended the war was still on.

No, Jack, you have always been
a wonderful grandson.

The best.
- Please,

please, can you
get through to him?

Jack, I've known your
grandfather for a long time.

He's not a well man.

- I know,

he has a weak heart.

Then why not let him
have one final flight?

This, please.

So, Wing Commander,
let's get you to your plane.

- Not before time.

Bye.

- Where next, lads?
- War museum, please.

- I bought this record.

Put it on the gramophone.

[Music: The Dam Busters Theme]

Good job I'm an irresponsible
teenager, otherwise I'd be

telling you what a
really bad idea this is.

We're only stealing a Spitfire,
nothing to worry about.

There's not been a single day

I haven't dreamt
of flying you again.

Ready, co-pilot?

- You're taking me?
- Of course,

we're a team.

Ooh.

[Song: Wild Boys by Duran Duran]

♪ Wild boys
- Wild boys! ♪

♪ never lose it ♪

♪ Wild boys
- Wild boys! ♪

♪ never chose this way ♪

♪ Wild boys
- Wild boys! ♪

♪ never close your eyes ♪

Just one thing missing...

This is for you, Squadron Leader.

This is yours,
you can't give me this.

Nobody deserves it more than you do.

Thank you, sir.

- Canopy secure?
- Check.

- Propeller set to low?
- Check.

- Fuel gauge on full?

- It's empty.

We're going to have to get out and push.

I'm so going to get grounded for this.

2,031...,
slight scuffing.

Damn it,
er, pay for that.

I don't think my Griffin Savers
Account's quite that flush.

We'll have to requisition the
fuel. It's for the war effort,

they'll understand.

It's the Spitfire,

that's my Spitfire.

I think you'd better
get back in the plane.

- Yes, you're right there,
Squadron Leader.

Code Spitfire in a garage,
repeat, code Spitfire in a garage.

[Spitfire engine STARTS]

We've got to take off now.

Call the police, call the A Team.

Stop that plane!
Stop!

- We need a clear runway.

They aren't going to make it.

[Plane APPROACHES]

Dad?

Plane coming through.

Plane coming through.

Stop!

Jack?

Don't be late for school!

- Up, up and away!

Up, up and away!

It's amazing.

Nothing better. Would you
like to take the controls?

Really?

Why not?
All yours, Squadron Leader.

Wow.

They've never made a plane
quite like her.

Do you want to take her
for a loop-the-loop?

- Can I?
- Of course, like this.

Wahoo!

Can we stay like this forever
Wing Commander?

Just you and me?
- What's to stop us?

Jerry's got a brand-new plane, I see.

- They want us to land.
- We'll never surrender!

- This is Harrier Red Leader,
you're in restricted air space.

Land or we will fire.

[EXPLOSION]

- That was a warning shot. Land
immediately or we'll shoot you down.

You won't catch me.

Grandpa,
you have to listen to me.

We're not at war with Germany any
more, they're British planes,

we have to land now. I, I
don't want us to be shot down.

What...

Jack?

Yes.

My grandson?

That's right, Grandpa.

You've been wonderful to me, Jack,
the best grandson there could be.

But you've got to bail out now.

What about you?

I haven't long left, Jack,
dodgy ticker and all that and,

and up here I'm the person
I want to be,

I don't want to be the person
I'm down there, not anymore.

I don't want you to die.

As long as you love me,
Jack, I can never die.

I'll always love you.

But I don't want to leave you.
I won't!

Sorry, Squadron Leader,
I'm pulling rank.

- [Grandpa:]
Up, up, and away!

Up, up, and away.

[Bells TOLL]

- Jack,

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you, Raj.

Er, is it true they never found
the plane or your grandfather?

Yes.

It's an empty coffin.

We don't know where he is.

He's looking down on us all,
I'm sure.

Your father was always very
proud of you, Mr Bumting.

- Me? - Said you were the finest
cone counter there was.

- Oh, that's nice.

Jack, er,
I owe you an apology.

I've researched your grandfather
and he did lead a team of brave

young men in the Battle of
Britain, that is a fact.

- He was a hero.
- He certainly was.

Your grandpa would have saved
thousands of lives on the ground.

Thank you, Miss Verity.

Yes, well...

[She CLEARS throat] I have also written
up a questionnaire on the history

of the church, so, er,
let's crack on with that.

There's one for you, sir,
if that's OK?

Er, just try and keep your,
er, writing in the lines.

[Door CLOSES]

Not many bums on seats today.

The deceased can't have
had too many friends.

[They CHUCKLE]

[COMMOTION outside]

- Oh, Lord.

Oh, shuffle along,
shuffle along.

Right, is that everyone now?
Can we finally begin?

Er, there should be a few
others actually so, er...

- Gentlemen, by the left,
quick march.

I tracked them down, to invite them.

All these men served
with Grandpa in the war.

This... is his squadron.

Welcome, it's a great honour
to have you here, gentlemen.

And you must come round
to ours afterwards.

I've laid on a lovely cold spread.

- Come on. - And I'll have a range
of musky body sprays on special.

No, they don't want
any body spray.

- Finally, we can begin.
Music, maestro, please.

[PLAYS off key]

Ha, right.

We are here to mourn the
passing of someone very special.

We are all going to miss
insert name here very much.

He was born in insert place here
in the year insert year here.

I'm sure we all has
lovely memories of him...

And who could forget
the time

he insert heart-warming
detail here, to make it personal.

Stop the funeral!

Oh, thank God for that.

He is Miss Dandy
from Twilight Towers.

Or she's him,
they're the same person.

- That's absurd.
- He's a crook who forges wills.

He, he's crackers, he is. He's
crackers, just like his grandad.

And they're the nurses.

Nonsense, they deny it,
don't you? Deny it, deny it.

We were made to do it.

I'll confess everything.
I'm too pretty for prison.

You stole our jewellery.

You drugged us.

You locked up the playing cards,
so we couldn't play strip poker.

Yeah, well, at least I
knows how to enjoy money!

What's the point in having cash if
you're all completely gaga, hey?

- I'll show you...

gaga!

- Go on, then!
- You!

Don't hurt me.

I have a very low pain threshold.

Yeah, kung fu!

[All GASP]

So what if I forged a few wills?

So what if I posed as a vicar to
lure the old people into the home?

All I wanted was a holiday home
in Mustique.

Is that too much to ask?
Huh?

Is church always this exciting?

I'll have to come more often.

[All BOO]

I'll be back. I'll be back.

[All JEER]

[Song: Suo Gan
from Empire Of The Sun (Soundtrack)]

♪ Clyd a chynnes... ♪
(Make yourself a snug)

That was incredibly brave, Jack.

- Me and your dad are very proud
of you,

and you, Shells.
- Yeah.

♪ ... dynn amdanat ♪
(warm nest)

I'll let you say goodbye.

♪ ... dan fy mron ♪
(forever new)

♪ Huna blentyn, ♪
(Sleep child mine,)

[KISS]

♪ nid oes yma ♪
(there’s nothing here)

♪ Ddim i roddi iti fraw ♪
(While in slumber at my breast)

♪ Gwena’n dawel, ♪
(Angels smiling,)

♪ yn fy mynwes ♪
(have no fear)

♪ Ar yr engyl, ♪
(Holy angels,)

♪ gwynion draw ♪
(guard your rest)

[Spitfire's ENGINE]

- Grandpa!
- Oh, oh!

- I would see grandpa every night,

just at the time I was falling
asleep.

Now I have a child of my own,

I tell her all about the adventures
of my grandfather and every night

we see him too, flying his Spitfire
across the sky he kept safe for us.

Up, up, and away.
Grandpa was right,

as long as you love someone,
they can never die.

The End

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