Original subtitles

Mmm.

- Is that good huh, or is that good?

Yeah.

Why don't you put

the whole thing in your mouth?

The whole thing?

- Yes, you can't just nibble at it.

You have to look like you're enjoying it.

Is that camera on?

- The camera's on, you're on, okay?

- God, okay. - Isn't that delicious?

Just enjoy the heck out of it.

- I can't swallow, it's stuck to my teeth.

- You can't grimace like that,

because the crackers are flying out of your mouth.

That's not going to work.

- I got to have something to drink.

- Okay, take a drink and let me put some more

Cheese Tease on the cracker and now put it in the mouth.

I'm sorry. - Oh, man.

- I got some in your blouse,

don't worry about it.

Send me the bill, send me the bill.

- It's not going to come out, what's in it?

The camera's running.

If I don't love it,

I don't get to do the commercial, right?

- That's right. - I don't love it.

- Well then, thank you, have a nice day.

- Yeah, with this stuff eating a hole in my blouse.

Uh huh.

In a few minutes what we're going to do here

is we're going to be making some commercials

and asking you to just come on up and try the product

and tell us what you honestly think of it.

We're not going to put any words in your mouth.

Someone who might like to just come along.

Try a little Cheese Tease and perhaps...

Oh, here's somebody right here.

Valerie, why don't we... Hi, no, you don't care for any.

Okay, all right, thank you very much.

What we're really looking for is, hi, how are you,

someone who might like to just come along,

try a little Cheese Tease.

Here's someone right here.

Valerie, why don't we, hi what's you're name?

I'm going to tell you right off,

we don't like things in cans.

- You buy soft drinks in cans.

Yeah, but this is cheese.

- Oh, I see, because it's dairy product,

the idea of a dairy product being in a can.

Exactly, right, I mean, beer in a can.

- Well how about on a cracker. - Beans in a can.

- Why don't we just have an open mind

and an open mouth, huh?

Try this, it's so delicious.

- Give my daughter one. - What, this is your daughter?

This is not your sister, I can't believe it.

Of course one for your lovely daughter.

What do you think, honey?

Is this delicious you guys or what?

Now, tell the truth.

What do you think, huh?

What we'd like you to do is look at the camera and say,

"Mmm, tastes like real cheddar cheese."

- Ugh. - You don't think it does?

- Uh uh. - You really don't?

- Uh uh. - It doesn't?

Well what does it taste like? - Shit.

- Watch yourself, watch your cart, watch your cart.

Concepcion, Concepcion, watch -

I'm so sorry. - You little monster.

Are you all right, I'm so sorry.

Jeff, oh Jeff, don't you dare - You little monster.

Right over here, pardon me.

- Jeff! - You got this.

Oops, here we go. Huh, huh?

- Come here, darling. - One more, one more.

Mom, do a bar of soap.

Which one had the real cheddar on it

and which one has the Cheese Tease?

More importantly, which one says, "Take me home."

- I know you want me to be honest and I must confess,

they both taste like crap.

As soon as you shoved the crackers in my mouth,

I was chewing gum and they all got mixed up together.

Mom!

Cart's all loaded, Mrs. Kramer.

Here you are Stu, thank you.

Here's a free can of Cheese Tease.

- Thank you. - Enjoy.

It's good on anything, it has a shelf like of 12 years.

Okay, well goodbye and thank you.

- Bye. - Bye.

Wonderful family.

My story, the story of Pat Kramer

began on what seemed to be a perfectly normal day.

Mom, can we stay up till dad comes home?

Maybe, we'll see later.

- Mother, he's on my side! - You promised?

- I did not and don't you talk with your mouth full

and yell in my ear like that.

Ew, Skip laid another one.

Boy it smells, get the room deodorant.

It's not that bad, it's not that bad!

Pat, got to try Camper Clean.

No more ring around the fender, honey.

- Great new diet daiquiri mix at the store, hon.

- Pat, you deserve a break today.

- Pat, you got to get some of this stuff for your lawn.

Ever see our boat look better?

Pat, it's Boat Sheen.

Hi Pat, got some valium.

- Hey Pat, how about a weenie, huh?

- There I was, safe and secure in the belief

that nothing unusual ever happens in Tasty Meadows.

Jeffery Don Kramer, you pick every one of those up

and I mean it.

Hi, Judith.

- Pat, I was just this minute thinking of you.

Don't let him in, he's too green.

Don't let him in.

Hurry, put them down.

Ding dong, Flow Natural calling.

Judith, come on in.

Hey mom, look.

Jeff, give me those.

Do A Little Bar of Soap for the guys.

- I certainly will not and oranges are for eating.

You know what,

I know someday I'm going to find out you're adopted.

Judith, I'm so sorry.

- Pat, it's all the sex and violence on TV.

Give me that gun right now.

Give it here.

Jeff, give me that gun.

Give me that gun, let's go, come on, let's go, let's go,

all of you, let's go.

And no allowance till Skip gets his bath.

Judith, here I'll do that. How about some coffee?

- No thank you, Pat, I know how busy you are

but I am so excited.

You know that new product line I'm going to sell?

- I'm so sorry, Judith, one of Jeff's toys.

- Well, boys will be boys, especially in this household.

Presenting Flow Natural.

Go ahead.

Now, they have Flow Natural hairspray.

Fountain of Truth Beauty Creme

and this is so light and fluffy on the face.

No Fooling cleanser, I just love that tune.

It is nice.

- No Sweat deodorant. - What a name.

- And Pat, for the total woman, they have developed

a new feminine hygiene spray called Breathe Easy,

now isn't that a comfort.

This product not only does the job

but it's also good for you.

I have heard that a certain national leading brand

which shall remain nameless, actually kills cockroaches.

- Judith, no. - Disgusting.

- Beth needs a pan of water, the hose won't work.

Concepcion, Concepcion

Stop it!

Well, I'll just leave this questionnaire

and your complimentary free samples.

- Judith, honestly I don't think I have room to store

one more thing in this kitchen.

- Well then Pat, this is even more of a godsend

than I thought, watch this.

It's called, Tray Natural, talk about clever.

Thanks, Judith.

Well, it's been a pleasure serving you.

Bom bing, Flow Natural leaving, adios Concepcion.

- Concepcion, we got to get all this stuff put away.

Jeff!

I'm ignoring you, Jeff, but if you don't go eat your supper,

I'm going to have to tell you dad.

Honey, honey I'm coming!

Sweetheart. - Hi, honey.

Hi, Skip.

Could be the agency's biggest account.

I made a one hour presentation,

they gave me a standing ovation.

Honey, did they?

One guy said, "Nice job, Vance."

Kids in bed?

- Are you kidding, they are dying to see you.

That's all they have talked about.

Look who's here. - My children!

- Hi. - Hi.

Guess the presents can wait.

Hello, kids.

Have you been good kids while daddy's been away?

Aren't those darling?

Airport presents.

You have a wonderful father.

- Honey, what do you think of this name for a new candy

we're developing, Explodagum?

I think it sounds fun, I like it.

- Get us some. - Please, mom!

Does sound fun, doesn't it?

Okay, put one piece each and that's it.

- This is for you, have you been a good girl

while daddy's been away?

Airport presents?

No, it's way past your bedtime.

Look mom, disco.

- Oh yeah, come on, disco right into the bed, let's go.

We want to hear Little Bar of Soap.

- Yeah, yeah. - No darling, maybe tomorrow.

Please, please, please, please, please!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

- Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, get in the bed.

I'll do it, I'll do it. - Yay!

- Sit down, lay down, get in the bed, let's go, come on,

under the covers.

Mom, cool.

- I know, you just like to see your old mother

make a fool of herself, don't you?

Good gum.

Mom, can I have my space gun back?

Tomorrow, go to sleep.

- Mom. - What?

- I love you. - Me too.

Me too, I love you too.

Welcome home.

Did you miss me?

Came straight from the factory, smell this.

Honey, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, oh God.

Oh no, it's nothing.

It's my fault, sweetheart.

I'm just going to take it off

and rinse it off before it stains.

Thank heaven for polyester.

Try this new detergent.

- Oh, the fumes from this perfume sting my eyes.

- Really? - But it smells good.

- If these new accounts work out I could get a raise.

Or the partnership.

- Shh, which name do you prefer for the new perfume?

Hypnotique. - Honey, too old fashioned.

How about Arise?

- Mm, kind of sounds like a breakfast food to me.

Breakfast food.

Vance, I know what to call it!

Sexpot.

Oh, I love it, I love it.

It could come in a little pot

and be solid so it wouldn't spill.

You're not supposed to be out of bed.

- Neither are you. - Shh!

Are they doing it yet?

- Oh no, no, not if it's the perfume and not me.

- No, it's you and the perfume and the night and the music.

- Oh, is it. - You know, Sexpot I love -

Sexpot.

Hmm.

Makes you think of sex and dope.

I think it says it all.

It may say too much.

- I think Sexpot is a direct, honest, hard core approach

to selling perfume.

- Your wife's on the phone, she says it's important.

- Vance, honey, that blouse I had last night,

you didn't take it to the cleaners this morning

or anything did you?

What, honey?

The one I rinsed out, Vance,

it's like it disappeared right off the towel.

- Pat, we're right in the middle of deciding on Sexpot.

Can I call you later with this.

Wait Vance, my fingernails,

they seem like they're shorter to me today

than they were yesterday.

- Sweetheart please, let me call you later.

- I'm so sorry I called, listen, I'll see you tonight.

- Yeah, bye. - I love you darling, bye.

Sorry.

That's all right, meeting's over.

How's Pam? - Pat, she's fine.

Oh, Pat.

Sexpot, huh?

Sexpot.

I like it.

I like it.

It's big.

It's big, big! - Thank you.

Thank you, I hoped you like it.

You're thinking big.

Speaking of, is this office big enough for you?

Well, are you, why?

Let's see what you do with this.

Big new glue account.

- That night, Vance brought me flowers.

He was in such a festive mood

and it was my turn to hostess our monthly block meeting,

so I decided not to mention my fingernails

or the blouse incident again.

Besides, we became involved in a new incident.

And I am so happy to announce

that we have enough money in the neighborhood kitty at last

to plant a new shrub.

That reminds me, Mrs. Wicks,

I do believe there were several times last month

that you neglected to clean up after your dog.

Just one rainy day.

- You know it grieves me to see a grown woman

cheapen herself by lying in front of her neighbors.

I have it right here in my record book.

I found the offensive evidence first on August 15th

about 8 pm and then again on August -

- Hi. - Honey.

- Hi, everybody. - Hi, Vance.

Flowers, thank you, darling.

Pauline, was that a double. - Yeah, thanks hon.

- Concepcion. - Agua?

Sí, las flores, gracias.

- April 15th at 8 pm and again on April 22nd

and then again on April 30th.

Hello Vance, it looks like the old body

could use a little bit of tone.

- This body? - You should try running.

Uh oh!

It's okay, it's okay, Greg

Good as new.

Way to go, Vance.

- What is the name Galaxy Glue, how does that sound?

I think it sounds good, Galaxy Glue.

I'd buy that.

What does it mean, honey?

What does it mean?

Buenos noches, señora Rodriguez, cómo estás.

Concepcion, your carpool is here.

Mother, where are my blue leotards?

In the dryer, come on, come on.

Let's see, they must be done, look in the dryer.

I want wear one to school tomorrow.

- Okay, you can, here wait honey, my hand is stuck.

- Ew liquid glue! - Wait a sec.

- Wait, now hold everything, let me get a karate chop mom.

Don't do anything rough.

Just wait, let me, no please.

Now keep Skip out of here, no whining.

Concepcion, no don't worry about it.

Come on, help me.

Oh no, shh, Concepcion.

This stuff really works, doesn't it.

Okay, take it easy.

Concepcion, Concepcion, take it easy!

- Good morning, darling. - Hi, hon.

Look, there's dad's commercial.

Okay, shh.

- Yeas, oh and I just love it, I've used it for years.

- Well, you may be in for a surprise.

Honey, we're so proud of you.

Thanks.

- She's going to say, I don't believe it now.

- I don't believe it. - See I told you.

- It is good. Coffee?

And you'd better buy it.

New Cosmo's cleaner.

- Hello, little green man, hello monster face.

Oh, honey.

Are you dieting again, honey?

Honey, I'm so sorry, isn't that silly.

It's okay, I'm late, I'm okay anyway.

I'll talk to you later. - Bye honey.

Vance, our lips used to meet.

- Perfectly normal, five foot, five inches.

5'5, I'm 5'7.

No, you're 5'5, these scales don't lie.

But I've been 5'7 ever since I was 19.

It says 5'7, doesn't it?

Hi, Judith.

Vance, I'm getting smaller everyday.

We'll see Dr. Adkins again tomorrow.

Honey, I'm sure there must be some logical explanation.

I'm sure there must.

It'll be okay.

Look honey, there's your commercial.

You got a friend in Galaxy Glue.

Galaxy Glue sticks by you.

I needed two full sets of pictures

spaced several days apart to compare before I could be sure.

I don't profess to understand it, Pat.

There's no medical precedent

for what appears to be happening to you.

I just know you're getting smaller.

These x-rays prove it beyond any doubt.

Now, I'm sending you to the Kleinman Institute

for the study of unexplained phenomena.

If there is any explanation for this at all,

they're the ones who'll find it.

- Then began a series of grueling, intensive tests.

I was pinched, poked, prodded.

I was examined by specialists I never even knew existed.

They gave me radioactive iodine tests,

scanning electron microscopic test.

- The target tissues have somehow reverted to

multi-potentiality, causing an apparent cascade effect

on the pituitary.

More importantly,

there seems to be a complete lack somatotrophin.

We need more tests.

- Brain tests, bone tests, blood tests,

bio neuro thermal tests, ultrasonic tests,

pomatography tests.

Irregular hormonal problems

as well as a glandular one.

A double helix inconsistency and erratic behavior among -

- Elasticity tests, enzyme tests, indiquent tests,

chromosome tests, cellular tests, metabolic tests.

Tests, tests and more tests.

We've got it.

Are you anemic?

- After all those tests, you don't know if she's anemic?

- Sweetheart, please, please. - I'm sorry.

Have you had a recent flu shot?

- I did have a flu shot, about two months ago.

Do you drink tap water?

Of course I drink tap water,

what are you trying to say to me, Doctor.

Please tell me what you mean.

What I mean.

What I am saying, Mrs. Kramer, is that you are shrinking

from a combination of the tap water, the flu shot,

the perfume, the glue, the solvent, your bubble bath,

talcum powder, shampoo, hair conditioner, scenting lotion,

hand lotion, mouthwash, hair spray, breath spray,

feminine hygiene spray, deodorant, toothpaste, detergent,

eye drops, nose drops, hair coloring, diet soda,

birth control pills and smog set off by an imbalance

already present in your system.

Oh God.

No need to be upset Mrs. Kramer.

We help name half those products.

Now that we know what's caused it,

we can work towards finding an antidote.

Go home, let us do the worrying.

Honey, maybe we should be proud,

it seems like you've got a wife who's found a way

to reverse the whole order of the universe.

- They'll find an antidote, Pat, you just have to wait.

- Wait, I can't wait much longer, I'm shrinking everyday.

You just have to try to be calm, honey.

- You stay calm! I am sorry, I'm sorry.

It's all right, it's all right.

I want you to start thinking about us

and our marriage, Vance.

Honey, you've got to, I mean,

this has been such a strain on both of us.

Honey, as long as you have on this,

this ring, nothing's changed between us.

Let's go home.

As the weeks past,

I wondered if they ever did find the antidote,

would they still be able to find me?

We're hopping mad, Dan.

As well you might be, Vance,

but we wouldn't want to let you anger

spill over on three of our biggest clients, now would we.

Think of the dent it could put in their profits.

Do you know that products could be banned from this.

Heads would roll, Vance, heads would roll.

What about the public?

Couldn't the label at least say,

"Caution this product might be hazardous to your size."

We wait for the antidote

and then I personally will conduct

a no holds barred investigation,

we'll publish all the facts.

How Pat was brought back to normal

by a miracle of modern chemistry.

What do you say, team, to the antidote.

To the antidote.

To the antidote.

I was attracting more and more attention each day.

The smaller I got, the bigger my name.

- The top news story of the day continues to be

The Incredible Shrinking Woman.

Perhaps the petite Pat Kramer

is a metaphor for the modern woman.

There's no secret that the role of the modern housewife

has become increasingly less significant.

Reluctantly, I allowed Judith

to talk me into leaving the house

and it resulted in what will forever be known to us all as

The Supermarket Incident.

Judith, I don't think this is such a good idea.

Not to mention my legs have fallen asleep.

- I understand, Pat, but you just bare with me.

This is chemical warfare

and I want to show you what we're up against.

Look at this, we have Mike's Macho Meal, let's see here.

Fortified food flavoring echo booster,

synthetic spermatozoal, testosterone, inert sugar syrup,

tumescent tissue of bull scrotum.

Well I never.

Here we have Cousin Bud's Speedy Spuds.

Well, this have everything but the kitchen sink.

Judith, I don't think this is working,

please get me out of here.

Just ignore them, Pat.

Of all the rudeness!

Don't you all have something you want to shop for?

A little poison maybe?

Just get me out of here.

Mr. Bell.

Excuse me, madam,

but I'm going to have to take a look in that bag.

- There is nothing in this sack that is any concern to you.

Oh, excuse me, Mrs. Kramer.

Okay, it's a go.

I knew I was being stared at,

but I didn't know I was being spied on,

and in my own shopping mall.

It was becoming more and more difficult

to lead a normal life.

I'm down here, darling.

Vance did what he could to help.

Everyone did.

And the kids tried to understand.

Okay, here I come, I'm going to tuck you in,

ready of not.

Goodnight, Concepcion.

Good, you're already tucked in.

Mom, do A Little Bar of Soap.

Honey, not tonight.

Are you gonna just keep,

just keep shrinking away to nothing?

Hey, Ma, if mother's shrink,

does that mean her kids will shrink too?

Oh no, honey no,

what happened to me is just some kind of freak accident.

It's not going to happen to either one of you, I promise.

Hey, Ma, I can drive the car for you.

You could, you sure could.

- Mother, would you say this is the worst thing

that ever happened to us?

- Oh no, honey, lots of things worse could happen.

Yeah, like what?

Well, look, I'll think of something

and we'll talk about it tomorrow, okay?

Night, night.

- Concepcion, do A Little Bar of Soap.

Yes, yes, do it!

I was rapidly becoming famous

and so was Tasty Meadows.

Well actually,

we were her first friends in the neighborhood.

- I believe it was I who first introduced you to Pat.

- Yeah well, we took them to their first Eisk seminar.

- She's been like a sister to me, this close.

She's been like a mother to me.

- Did she begin to shrink because no one noticed?

Did she begin to shrink because no one cared?

Did she begin to shrink because her role as homemaker

was belittling?

When she looked at herself through society's eyes -

Pat, you are a celebrity.

Let's face it, Judith, I'm a freak.

- Well, that's true, but you're also a celebrity.

- Why is Pat Kramer shrinking?

- Doctor's say it will take a miracle

of modern science.

Concepcion!

I'd wish you'd let me help you.

Now Judith you know I am absolutely

determined to do this myself.

Mom, you're on TV again!

Oh, brother.

The question in all our minds is,

why is Pat Kramer shrinking?

Vance, please honey.

Pat, ignore that.

I believe what has happened is a blessing in disguise.

A warning to us all.

You should see yourself as a kind of

divine sacrificial goat.

Thanks to you we're all on our toes.

I know I'm much wiser now than I was.

Me too.

Wiser and smaller.

- No matter how you slice it,

it doesn't look good for the little lady from Tasty Meadows.

At the Kleinmen Institute, no one seems to have much hope.

You made all three networks.

- That is except Pat Kramer herself,

small as she is, she has great hope and determination.

Hundreds of tourists past the Kramer household each day

and thousands of letters and phone calls

have been pouring into the station hourly.

The question the whole nation is asking,

is why is Pat Kramer -

- I've got it, Pat, you've got to go on national TV

and tell all, you owe it to your public.

- Oh, Judith, I don't know, I just...

Honey, I guess we eat out again.

Name and voice code.

Tom Keller, 234ZXE.

Representing?

- Representing Genetic Engineering Affiliated

International Dynamic Chemicals Corporation,

experimental science, omni national research.

Verified.

- Had I known then all that I know now,

I might not have appeared on national TV.

All we knew that December was that Vance and I

wanted to do what was right.

Vance, no business like show business.

When I think about all the people who are going to see this,

goosebumps.

She's going to be positive, isn't she?

Oh, excuse me.

She's going to talk about the antidote.

She's not going to mention the client's products?

- Well, Pat feels the public should be warned, Dan.

It is a question of integrity.

- Vance, let's go over here for just a minute.

Look, I know her being 36 inches tall

is a difficult dilemma.

She's not 36 inches anymore.

- You mean, she's shrunk since the last time I saw her?

- I mean she's shrunk since the last time I saw her.

I almost sat on her last night.

Afraid I'm losing my sanity.

We have to help her up the front steps.

She showers in the sink.

The other day she was holding a piece of toast,

I thought it was her purse.

And our sex life, don't ask.

I wasn't going to.

- I come home, I don't know what I might find.

One day I'm afraid I might come home,

I won't even be able to find her.

You know what I think, Vance?

I think you've got a real bad case of self pityitis.

- Dan, what if these products are dangerous?

- Dangerous, I'll tell you what's dangerous.

If your wife goes out there and creates a crisis

in confidence in American consumerism, that's dangerous.

Maybe some of our products do attack a few blood cells,

but you're talking about a television show

where millions of people, millions of people are tuning in.

Now, do you want to look in there and tell them

they can't trust American products?

You know what they want?

They want hope.

Hope!

And you want to give them what they want, don't you Vance?

Don't you?

Thank you, thank you.

I sang that song in honor of a very special, very brave

and a very remarkable woman.

You all have come to know her as

The Incredible Shrinking Woman.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Pat Kramer.

- Stay with us, Pat! - We're with you, Pat!

- Happy holidays, Mike. - Need help with that?

- Mike, thank you, but I don't want to be treated

any differently than anybody else.

Is she great, folks?

Is that package for me, Pat?

Unfortunately, Mike, it's for me.

- I've been told the first official Pat Kramer fan club

is in our audience tonight.

Everyone loves you, Pat.

I hope you'll take courage from that.

- I do, Mike, I really do, but let's face it,

it's not making me any taller.

- Has it all been a nightmare or has anything good

come from this extraordinary experience?

- Well Mike, I'll tell you, it has mostly been a nightmare.

But some good things have happened,

like getting to come on your show here.

I mean, nobody cared what I had to say

when I was my normal height.

For instance -

- Excuse me, Pat, we'll be right back after these messages.

- I used Galaxy Glue when I was in the Peace Corp

and that's why we have so many friends and good allies.

Galaxy Glue, hey, I'm stuck on it.

Everything is under control.

- You know, everyone has one question in mind

and I have that same question in my mind right now.

Why are you shrinking?

It hasn't been determined yet, Mike.

Right on!

- Pat, after talking about your case with you,

I must admit that I'm more baffled now than I was before.

- I believe that you all know, Dr. Eugene Nortz.

No, I don't think I...

May I present my colleague, Ruth Ruth.

- What you are about to hear, gentlemen, Sondra,

will deliver us to the threshold

of a new era of civilization.

We, The Organization For World Management

can be the trailblazers of tomorrow

and be assured our place as the power elite forever.

What Einstein did for time and space,

I Nortz will do for shape and size.

My studies show that a serum could be developed

from the blood of what's her name?

- Pam? - Pat, Pat Kramer.

Yes, yeah.

A shrink serum, which can be used to reduce individuals

or entire nations.

- And using a process not unlike water fluoridation,

a few drops in a country's water system

would be most effective for shrinking masses of people.

Except of course for a few of us.

Shrink the world.

Hey, I like it.

- All we need is the Kramer woman in our hands.

Well I, I feel I would need assurance

that no harm was going to come to that little lady,

or well, you'd have to count me out.

Not so fast, Dan.

We can't count you out, you know too much.

I may know too much,

but I think fortunately for all of us here see,

I don't really understand everything it is that I know,

now that's what really counts, isn't it?

I need her blood.

- You have our word, no harm will come to the Kramer woman.

Now, do have some ideas about how we should approach her?

- I've got ideas, old Dan has got a plan A, sure.

- Is there something you'd like to say to America?

- I want to thank everybody first, so much,

for all the cards and the letters you've sent.

All the good wishes because Vance and the children and I,

it's meant so much to us.

Right now, I think we're existing on prayers and hope.

I want to thank you very much, America and happy holidays.

Christmas came and went.

And so did Skip.

To my family I'd become a doll,

and to our dog, a chew stick.

While Concepcion had her hands full with the kids

and the curiosity seekers,

I reluctantly moved into the dollhouse

and tried to contributed to the mounting doctor bills

by working on my memoirs.

The strange, almost stranger than strange,

unbelievable story of Pat Kramer,

is one that must be told.

I know because unfortunately, I am Pat Kramer.

- The strange, almost stranger than strange.

- Stop! - Hey, Mom!

- I'm busy, Jeff. - Mom, it's an emergency!

Honey, what is it?

Jeff, honey what is is?

Say cheese.

Make believe there's a birdie there, pose.

Jeff, go to your room, right now.

And the rest of you, off the furniture.

And what are you grinning at you big creep.

Now, I am really mad.

- And I'm taking mother to school for show and tell.

You are not, she's going with me,

she's going to do Little Bar of Soap, and that's final.

- I am mad now, I want everybody out of here right now!

Stop that, I'm going to count to 10,

I want that stopped right now.

One, two, three... Oh!

Listen!

Billy Beasley, you wouldn't dare.

Don't do that, that's my mother!

Wait a second, wait a second.

- Hi, I'm Roger the Robot, let's blast off together.

Meet you at the space station.

Hi, I'm Ricky the Rabbit,

I like to play the drums.

I'm the elephant.

I like to do the hula hula hula.

Hi, I am Betsy Wetsy.

Hon, great news honey.

I brought Dan home.

And the president of Paxton toys.

- Great little kidder. - Pat?

- So, when all the fan mail came in from your TV appearance,

we got a big idea, right Vance?

Yeah, you and Tom did really.

More champagne?

Vance, look what you did.

I'm sorry.

You're such a good sport

and you got such a cute personality.

It hit me, you could make millions advertising products.

Tom here wants to make a doll out of you.

The Pam, ah ah, Pat Kramer doll.

I have arranged for my private plane

to fly you to our main design center.

We want to start immediately.

More champagne?

You did it again!

Look, he did it again.

- What do you say, you get your little things together

and we can leave right away, tonight.

I think tonight is a little soon,

maybe tomorrow would be more appropriate.

- Honey, I don't want to go tomorrow or any other day.

- She didn't mean what she just said, really.

- I certainly hope not, Vance, she's going to be a big star.

You better talk to, uh... Tom!

- Concepcion'll do that tomorrow, don't bother.

That's okay, I'll do it.

- You think I should take the offer, don't you?

- What I think is that this could be the first good thing

to come out of all this.

We've got all these bills, we could use the money.

- That's all we've talked about all night long is money.

I wish you would just think about it.

I have, I have thought about it.

I just, I'm not interested.

- Guess you're not interested in this either.

Night, Pat.

Looks like we switch to plan B.

Don't worry, Tom, old Dan's in charge.

Oh, Vance.

I'm sorry, Stan.

Move over you big lug.

The next morning I awoke to find I was shrinking again.

Outside our house the crowds were growing.

Our neighbors were becoming as world famous as I was.

Being in the spotlight was changing everyone,

even Concepcion.

Concepcion!

- Don't worry about the bacon, Pat, I'm late already.

What do you want me to tell Dan.

No, Vance.

I knew you wouldn't do it.

- Vance, I tried to accept the idea, I really did,

I just don't want to become another product.

I'm sick of products, I'm sick of advertising.

You're talking about my work.

You're talking about our plan.

How do you think we bought that radio?

How do you think we pay for this house?

I happen to be living in a dollhouse,

in case you haven't noticed lately.

Concepcion, do something, stop this racket, the bacon.

Concepcion, do something!

Turn off the radio.

I'm going to lose my mind, somebody do something.

Concepcion, breakfast is ruined.

I need a hit.

Woo oo!

- I'm sorry, my wife is not interested at this time.

She's been through a lot.

- Oh, please call us if your wife changes her mind.

Maybe some other time, thank you anyway.

Plan C.

I love you, Pat.

I'm sorry, I just don't see how selling a cute little doll

could hurt anything.

A cute little doll!

Vance, do you think we need

another cute little doll in the world.

I mean, really.

Do you think we need another glue or a perfume

or a detergent that eats away dirt along with your life.

I mean, you tell me.

Come on kids.

Pat, when you're ready to come down off that soap box,

give me a call.

- Bye mom. - Goodbye mom.

Honey, wait, Vance!

Honey, wait, don't leave, Vance I love you, wait a second.

Wait a second, Vance, wait.

Kids, wait a second, I need you, I love you all.

Please, Vance.

Concepcion!

Concepcion!

Concepcion!

Ah, wait a minute, no, stop, stop!

Concepcion, please!

Concepcion, don't do anything.

Got some flowers here for a Pat Kramer.

Who are you? - No speak English.

- No English, Español. - Sí.

¿Cómo se llama?

- Concepcion. - Concepcion.

Adios.

In the most bizarre and tragic turn

in an already tragic story, The Incredible Shrinking Woman,

Pat Kramer, has been lost in a fatal household accident.

That the whole nation joins in mourning,

the untimely passing of Pat Kramer.

- That the hopes for The Incredible Shrinking Woman

are down the drain, film at 11.

Beloved friends and neighbors.

We are gathered here today to bid goodbye

to a beautiful and courageous woman

who gave so very much and got so little.

No one will every fill her shoes.

Help me, somebody, help me, where am it?

What am I doing in here?

Somebody, let me out of here.

Help me, please, can't you hear me?

Please help me!

Listen, there's been a mistake.

Somebody, there's been a big mistake.

Oh, Dr. Ruth, Dr. Ruth thank heavens, please help me.

- Is something wrong, is something wrong with the monitors?

I have caught him yet

but I think Sidney plays with the wiring.

Please somebody, tell me where I am!

Can he reach over there?

- I don't know, but then I don't know how he does

half the things he does.

Like how'd he learn sign language in three weeks?

How come he can beat the computer at chess?

You know he's downright abnormal if you ask me.

No offense, Sidney.

Please tell me where I am!

If you're not quite, Mrs. Kramer,

we're going to have to sedate you again.

- Sidney's got another one of his headaches.

- If you ask me, he's addicted to pain pills.

- Well, he's been under a lot of strain, you know.

- Cage is a mess, clean up all those banana peels.

- See, he's saying, Sidney in pain, Sidney head hurt.

Awe, poor Sidney.

If you ask me he's faking it.

Sorry, now we did teach I'm sign language.

All he ever does is complain.

Now what's he trying to say?

Sidney in pain, Sidney heart hurt.

Why should his heart hurt?

It's my guess, he feels sorry for her.

Thousands and thousands of dollars

and all we've got to show for it is a sentimental gorilla.

Is this monitor working?

Testing, one, two, three, four.

- Real cute, Sidney. Real cute, Sidney.

Dr. Nortz, Dr. Nortz?

What kind of time frame are we dealing with?

The answer is already in her blood.

We'd simply have to get the answer before she disappears.

- Maybe we should kick this around a little more.

Too late now.

I knew I'd found a friend.

There was something I felt from this big sweet gorilla

that can best be described as human kindness.

There had to be a way we could help each other.

Sidney, keys, there must be keys, you could get the keys

and unlock your cage, keys.

Yes, you know, you know, the keys.

Hey, how you doing guys?

Here's looking at you.

Sidney, hey!

What a mess, more banana peels.

Please, won't you help me?

You look so much kinder than the others.

I only work here lady.

Don't you know who I am?

I'm the Shrinking Woman, I'm Pat Kramer.

Oh, they told me you'd say that.

You're Pat Kramer's clone, the real Pat Kramer's dead.

- Dead? - Deader than a doornail.

Dr. Nortz made a clone of her right before she bit the dust.

No, no, no, I'm not a clone, I'm not,

you've got to believe me.

Dr. Nortz is a liar.

He took an oath when he became a doctor.

He's supposed to be a -

Listen, Dr. Nortz is a wonderful man.

They're all wonderful here.

This is a place where great work is going on

that will help all humanity.

They told me so.

Hey, Sidney, give me back those keys.

This is a horrible, horrible place

where people are used like guinea pigs, even Sidney.

You've got to help me call my husband, please.

Oh please, he must be worried sick.

- Look, I make it a point not to get involved with clones.

Night, Sidney.

Sidney, quick the folder, the folder.

Yes, yes!

Put it right up here.

Thank you, oh thank you, Sidney.

I read all through the night.

The horror in my heart mounting with each page

as I learned of their diabolical plan.

These people were so big,

the only way they could become bigger

was by making all of us smaller.

What little blood I had left began to boil.

No, no, Sidney, you don't know

what they're trying to do to us.

I just can't imagine.

I couldn't stand by and just let this happen.

But what could I,

the smallest person on the face of the earth,

do to help anyone?

We got to do something, Sidney.

Sidney!

Thank you, Sidney.

Hey, hey what's going on here?

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

This is against regulation.

You could get us all in a lot of trouble.

We're already in a lot of trouble.

Dr. Nortz is planning to use me to shrink the world.

I know you don't believe me, but look in my folder.

Go ahead, look, read page 10, the pink page.

Look, read it, you'll see.

Shrink the world, Sidney too?

All kinds of people, everybody.

Please, if you care about Sidney, if you care about anything

please let me call my husband, please.

- They really are planning to shrink the world!

Vance!

There's someone on your private line,

she says she's your wife.

I got to stop these crank calls.

Sorry Dan, I'll be right back.

- Vance, Vance, it's me, I'm alive, I'm alive.

Pat, my God, where are you?

Pat, my God, Pat, where are you?

Pat, what happened?

Listen, I don't have much time.

I've been kidnapped

by the Organization for World Management.

They want to use me to shrink the world.

Pat, my God, where are you?

Quick, where am I, Rob, where am I?

Oh, uh.

- Vance, Vance! - Pat, Pat!

- Vance, Vance! - Operator, operator!

- I'm so sorry, but you have been disconnected

from the party to whom you were speaking.

And you better lay off the buttons fester.

Hello?

Rob, save yourself, save yourself!

Go on, save yourself!

Maybe I... No they'd find me here.

All right, okay look, I'll be back.

I'll be back, I swear.

- No, don't, you leave him alone, don't you hurt him!

- Get the cage - - Out of the way.

You're in big trouble, little lady.

I demand to know what you did with Rob.

- You're in no position to demand anything.

- Have you looked at yourself in a mirror lately?

Now hold still.

Leave me alone, leave me alone.

I need some blood to work with.

Don't touch me, don't touch me.

- Hold still, hold still. - No, no.

No, no!

- This news bulletin just in, a new development

in the increasingly mysterious Pat Kramer case.

My wife is alive.

She phoned me, she's been kidnapped.

I called the police and they didn't believe me.

She's being held by a group, they call themselves

The Organization for World Management.

I see.

- You don't believe me either, my wife is alive.

My wife is alive!

I'm sorry. - No, no, Mr. Kramer.

I was so small by afternoon

that I could slip through the bars of my cage,

so they found another prison for me.

Rob, I can't believe it, I can't believe it!

We thought you were dead.

Couldn't catch me.

I know this place like the back of my hand.

Here, Sidney! Catch, Sidney!

Shh, shh.

- You know, it's our station's policy to always try to

present both sides of every issue.

To answer Mr. Kramer's charges, Mr. Logan Carver.

Thank you.

As a representative of The Organization for World Management

I can only say, Jackie, that of course there's no connection

between the deceased Kramer woman and our company.

That shocking phone call can only be interpreted

as a heinous, sadistic crank call

or the understandably confused imagination

of a bereaved husband.

Lift, lift.

Hurry, hurry.

Lift it, lift it, yes, yes.

It's too risky keeping her alive.

The gorilla, he could talk.

- They're escaping. - So are we.

They've seen us!

Look out, wait Rob, the pink page!

Rob, get the pink page!

Wait, Sidney, wait!

Thank you, Sidney!

Come on, Sidney!

Go!

- Get him! - Get him!

There he is!

Which way did they go?

- This way. - Come on.

Fire!

- Up, Sidney, up, the street is up, press the up button.

Up, up!

Yes!

They're in car number two.

They're headed for the street.

Cut the power in car number two.

We're almost to the top.

We're almost there, Sidney, we're almost there.

We're trapped, we're trapped, Sidney.

Sidney, the escape hatch!

In the ceiling, the escape hatch!

Open the escape hatch!

Open it, Sidney!

Whoa, whoa!

Sidney!

There he is, up there, get him!

Freeze!

- Sidney! Sidney, jump, jump now!

Come on, Sidney, jump! - Sidney, jump!

Come on, hurry Sidney, come on, jump!

- Don't let them get away! After them!

- Sidney, we're safe, it's my shopping center.

Now, I'm not a professional actress.

I am a real person like yourself

and I'm not here to sell you a product

but to give you some good consumer advice.

- What are you, some kind of nut?

Arrest me!

You haven't done anything?

Everyone please, everyone listen to me!

It's me, I'm Pat Kramer!

Everyone, everyone listen to me!

I'm The Incredible Shrinking Woman.

That's Pat Kramer, my neighbor.

Someone call her husband, she's alive,

I knew she was alive.

Yes, yes, it's me, we escaped!

It's me, we made it, everyone please listen to me!

Listen, I'm shrinking fast, I don't have much time.

A minute ago I thought I, I felt it was my duty to warn you

that what happened to me could happen to you,

but now I feel different.

You don't need me to tell you what's wrong with the world.

I wish Vance was here.

Rob, Rob, you take care of page 10.

Make sure it gets in the right hands.

Sidney, you take care of Rob.

I feel just like I'm becoming part of everything

and everyone.

Here I go, goodbye.

Excuse me.

- Vance, I never thought I'd see you again.

Vance, Jeff, I'm not afraid, don't you be!

I love you!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

This is Lyle Parks and the entire KXRZ news team

coming to you live from Tasty Meadows, California.

For the last eight hours, top level network officials

and statesmen have met behind closed doors

to join together in finding a way to demonstrate

the world wide mourning occasion by the almost unbelievable

death of Mrs. Pat Kramer.

So, at midnight tonight, the world will be united

as bells all over the world ring out in her memory.

This remarkable event will be broadcast via satellite,

a fitting tribute to the extraordinary little woman

who's life was not lived in vain.

Biggest rating in TV history.

Shove it, Dan.

- Now matter how small, meaningless or insignificant

we may think we are, even the smallest of us

can make a difference.

I'm here tonight standing amongst her noble

and very caring neighbors.

People you've come to know almost as well as Pat herself.

The tiny woman who did what all the big powerful political

leaders of our time have tried to do so often and failed.

She brought the world together, if only for a moment.

We thank you, Pat.

It's midnight.

Historical Big Ben.

While the majestic bells of St Paul's Cathedral

tell the passing of Patrica Kramer.

(newscasters speaking in foreign languages.

- This remarkable event will be broadcast

via satellite, a fitting tribute to the extraordinary

little woman who's life was not lived in vain.

Pat Kramer should remind us all that no matter how small,

meaningless or insignificant we may think we are,

even the smallest of us can make a difference.

We give you the remarkable last moments of Pat Kramer.

Just before she blew away.

- This lady says she belongs here.

Oh!

- Oh, mom! - Mom, you're home!

- Pam! - Oh my God!

Pam, what happened?

- I fell in a puddle, I swallowed half of it.

Pat, Pat!

She's back!

Pat, everybody, Pat, come here, come here!

Everyone, look, look!

She's back!

Everybody, everybody, she's back.

Look, it's her!

She's back, she's back!

- She's back! - She's back!

She's back!

Arrest this man.

But you haven't done anything.

Trust me.

- Good to have her back. - Look at her.

- We love you. - Pat, nice to have you back.

- Mother, come look! - Do little bar of soap!

Oh, Sidney!

Oh, Sidney!

- Can we keep him mom, can we keep him?

Dad said we could.

- Of course we can keep him. - All right!

Pat.

- Mom, do little bar of soap for Sidney.

Time to put this on again, honey.

Pat, oh, Pat, Pat, Pat.

Seeing you like this,

it's just like everything's the same again.

- Oh no, Judith, nothing will ever be the same again.

- That's funny. - Push harder, honey.

Is that big monkey

actually going to live in our neighborhood?

Here, let me try sweetheart.