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Ever since I was a kid,
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Billy Joel
was my musical idol.
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I loved every album and video,
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but he blew my mind when he released a song like no other.
5
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* We didn't start the fire
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We Didn't Start the Fire was an instant classic.
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The moment I heard it,
I was obsessed.
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* Joseph Stalin, Malenkov,
Nasser, and Prokofiev... *
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What is he doing?
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It's like Billy Joel is singing, but also rapping.
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No, it's like he's rapping,
but also singing.
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It became a point of pride to memorize the lyrics.
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...Sugar Ray, Panmunjom
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And back before the Internet, the only
way to learn them was to just listen.
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The hell are you doing?
16
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It's the middle of the night!
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Dad, thank God!
18
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Is it "Pumajob"? "Pacman job"?
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Put on the damn headphones. What is he saying?
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He's saying you're a moron.
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Now go to bed, and also learn some history!
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And the best part? I did!
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Billy Joel actually made me good at school.
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So, yes.
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We didn't start the fire.
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In fact, it burned right from Harry Truman
to the great cola wars.
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Normally, I am not a fan of popular music,
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but this song teaches and entertains.
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You don't like music?
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No. I enjoy the dulcet tones of AM talk radio.
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That's sad. I feel sad for you.
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I mean, traffic, sports, weather, you've got it all!
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But most importantly,
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Billy Joel taught me girls dig rock stars.
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* Rock and roller cola wars, I can't take it anymore *
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Wow! That was totally badass.
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You like how I flipped over the He-Man table?
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You know what?
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You should perform that song in the holiday talent show.
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You think?
I know.
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Not to completely objectify you,
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but the whole thing was insanely hot.
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Me, hot?
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Yeah, oh! (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
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Never thought I'd hear that from a girl.
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Is it warm? My cheeks are burning.
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What can I say?
You make quite the Billy Joel.
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More like Boopie Joel.
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Schmoo didn't start the fire
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* But his cheeks are gushy and his tushy's squooshy *
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Give me a little nibble.
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Just look away, Jackie!
Look away!
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I am looking away, but there's a mirror right there.
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(GROWLING)
Aah!
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It was December 13, 1980-something,
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and Erica was back from college for winter break.
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I have an announcement.
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We've spent a lot of time
together this holiday break...
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Too much in fact.
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You've been home for one day.
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You're feeling it, too.
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Which is why I will be spending the first
night of Hanukkah at Geoff's house. ?
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What
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His parents invited me, and I don't
want to be here, so it's all lining up.
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Murray, your daughter wants to spend the
holiest day of the year without the family.
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Say something!
Holy?
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Most years,
we give up halfway through.
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Murray, don't interrupt.
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It's a very special day,
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so at the very least,
we should come with you.
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Ooh, one problem...
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You're not invited.
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Please.
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Linda and Lou Schwartz are friends.
They'd love to have us.
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You've never even talked to them.
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Well, I sent Linda a beautifully-worded
note when Murray ran over her foot.
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I signed my name at the bottom.
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You are not crashing their dinner,
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end of story!
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Damn it! Quick, grab your pants. The Schwartzes
are clearly making a play to take Hanukkah!
81
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Who's doing what now?
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Murray, it is crucial that we establish ourselves
as the fun parents who host all the holidays.
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That way, if Geoff and Erica ever
get married, they come to us.
84
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Not those bastards. Us.
85
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Okay, I'm hearing a lot of worry about things
far in the future that I don't care about.
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Oh, you better care!
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Hanukkah is a gateway holiday.
88
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If they take that, then they take Thanksgiving, then the Fourth
of July, then we're left with some crap holiday, like Labor Day!
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What's wrong with Labor Day? It's quiet and we eat hot dogs!
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And so my mom swore she'd win Hanukkah.
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Meanwhile, I was ready to win over the crowd.
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That's the best.
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Still getting used to wearing my
shades indoors like the Piano Man.
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You're no Piano Man.
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Tell that to Jackie,
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who strongly urged my hot bod to do the talent show.
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Come on! What upside-down
world are we living in here?
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How do you have a girlfriend and confidence
and a modest amount of popularity?
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Hello!
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Pops!
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He's helped me with all of it.
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He's even the one who gave me the idea to serenade Jackie,
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and like always, he was right.
104
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Wait, you take love advice from our old grandpa who
uses an entire tin of cream cheese on one bagel?
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He helps me every day. You're just realizing that now?
106
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That's why you're always chatting him up?
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What did you think I was doing?
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I thought you were trying to get his gold.
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He doesn't have any gold.
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All old people have gold.
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The gold is his wisdom.
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Lame! Fine.
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114
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Pops is lame, and so am I.
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Lame or not, Barry couldn't deny Pops had helped me,
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and so, with great humility, he asked for guidance.
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Hey! My bagel!
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Forget the bagel.
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Schmear me with knowledge, old timer.
120
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Wait. Are you actually coming to me for advice?
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I realized you made Adam suck way less.
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Be my sensei,
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and I will follow whatever ancient wisdom
you have in that tired old frame of yours.
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As insulting as that is, why not?
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I like a good challenge.
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I am a challenge.
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He was, but my mom faced an even bigger challenge,
making sure she didn't lose Hanukkah to the Schwartzes.
128
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Linda, my God, these latkes are to die for!
129
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Oh, it was nothing.
130
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She's not one to toot her own horn,
but I will. Toot-toot!
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Am I crazy, or is this actually going well?
132
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Oh! Almost forgot.
133
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Presents!
134
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Whoa! Whoa, whoa! Wait! Wait, wait.
135
00:05:01,583 --> 00:05:03,585
No one said anything about a gift exchange.
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We didn't bring anything.
137
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Oh, don't worry.
138
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We just got you a little something.
Classic first night gift, no big deal.
139
00:05:09,279 --> 00:05:11,581
Holy crap! Streisand tickets?
140
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Summer sausage?
141
00:05:13,183 --> 00:05:14,324
Who are you?
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An indestructible rubber Sony Sports Walkman?
143
00:05:17,106 --> 00:05:19,050
I always get crappy socks on the first night.
144
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Not always!
145
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Last year, we forgot about it completely,
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and then on the fourth night, we were like, "Hanukkah!"
147
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Ha! She's wrong. She's a big stupid liar.
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Point is, the holidays are just as special to us.
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A savings bond?
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I can't touch this for 10 years! So sensible!
151
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Look at that punim!
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We're like twins! Look at us!
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Well, look at this! (LAUGHS)
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(SING-SONG) We're twins, too!
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Mmm!
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See this? This is the real gift...
157
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Erica and the Goldbergs here for the holidays.
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It's the best! You guys are the best.
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Those people are human trash!
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Come on! All the man did was give you Streisand tickets.
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Third row center?
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Best seats in the house?
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These people are monsters who will steal our children.
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While my mom envisioned a lonely future,
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Pops was reminding Barry of his epic
freshman year talent show routine...
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Hyah! ...when he karate-kicked his way to glory.
167
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That was quite a night, huh?
168
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It was the first night Lainey noticed me.
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Best of my life.
170
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What if I said I could help you top it?
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You think if I do that show, I can get a new Lainey?
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If Adam can impress a girl with a serenade,
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so can you.
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And so, Barry took Pops' advice,
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perhaps a little too literally.
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Mr. Glascott!
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Oh, my God. Oh, my Pop-Tart!
178
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Today was my cheat day!
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I have huge news.
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I'm signing up for the talent show.
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I know it's last minute, but I
will not take "no" for an answer.
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And you won't have to. There's like 14 spots left.
183
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Then consider it your lucky day
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'cause you just got yourself your opening act.
185
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Okay, you seem way too fired up about this.
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Let me be painfully clear.
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This is a holiday talent show.
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None of it matters.
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Oh, it matters.
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This is the game-changer I need to become the
most popular kid in high school once again!
191
00:06:53,943 --> 00:06:54,871
It's really not.
192
00:06:54,896 --> 00:06:58,332
Honestly, this isn't some
high-stakes, life-defining event.
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It's just a wasted night.
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Then it's up to me to prove you wrong.
195
00:07:01,583 --> 00:07:04,319
No! Do not use me to raise the stakes any further.
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00:07:04,344 --> 00:07:05,683
Just sign up and move on.
197
00:07:05,708 --> 00:07:06,832
Mr. Glascott!
198
00:07:06,857 --> 00:07:10,191
Big news, I'm gonna sing We Didn't Start the Fire at the talent show.
199
00:07:10,216 --> 00:07:11,425
No one cares!
200
00:07:11,450 --> 00:07:14,761
What he means to say is you can
do anything but that song.
201
00:07:14,786 --> 00:07:15,955
I'm opening the show with it.
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00:07:15,980 --> 00:07:17,339
You can't just take my song.
203
00:07:17,364 --> 00:07:20,144
I'm just doing as my sensei, Pops, commands.
204
00:07:20,169 --> 00:07:21,941
Pops isn't your sensei.
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00:07:21,966 --> 00:07:23,467
He's my Jedi Master,
206
00:07:23,492 --> 00:07:25,995
and he'd never tell you to do the same song as me!
207
00:07:26,020 --> 00:07:28,277
Hey, Barry, heard you were opening the talent show with Billy Joel.
208
00:07:28,302 --> 00:07:30,535
Why, yes, I am, Jamie Weisman.
209
00:07:30,576 --> 00:07:31,644
See you there.
210
00:07:31,742 --> 00:07:33,344
What do you know? It's already working.
211
00:07:33,369 --> 00:07:36,488
How the hell did she already know you were
doing the show? It literally just happened.
212
00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:40,882
She knew because Barry woke up early and
posted a few fliers around school...
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A few hundred.
214
00:07:41,935 --> 00:07:42,761
Balls!
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00:07:42,786 --> 00:07:45,035
"Holiday Talent Show featuring Barry Joel"?
216
00:07:45,060 --> 00:07:46,910
Don't worry. I'm still gonna sing our song.
217
00:07:46,935 --> 00:07:48,613
It's kind of feeling like your brother's song.
218
00:07:48,653 --> 00:07:50,027
It does feel that way.
219
00:07:53,864 --> 00:07:55,032
It was the second day of Hanukkah,
220
00:07:55,057 --> 00:07:57,093
and my mom had her eyes on the prize,
221
00:07:57,118 --> 00:07:59,254
stealing the holiday back from Lou Schwartz.
222
00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:01,918
Thank you so much for seeing me last minute, Dr. Schwartz.
223
00:08:01,943 --> 00:08:04,019
That's Lou to you. We're practically family now.
224
00:08:04,044 --> 00:08:05,355
Aw. Speaking of,t
225
00:08:05,380 --> 00:08:10,285
I wanted to thank you for last nighby hosting you guys for the second night of Hanukkah.
226
00:08:10,310 --> 00:08:11,933
Hold still for drops.
227
00:08:12,332 --> 00:08:17,121
While I do appreciate the offer, night two is a
Schwartz family favorite, so we'll be hosting it.
228
00:08:17,146 --> 00:08:19,863
Well, your son already formally RSVP'd.
229
00:08:19,888 --> 00:08:22,238
I cornered him at school, and he signed the response card.
230
00:08:22,263 --> 00:08:25,023
Fine. You take night two.
We'll do nights three through eight.
231
00:08:25,048 --> 00:08:26,886
Six nights and the closer?
232
00:08:26,911 --> 00:08:28,413
Okay, then you can take night four.
233
00:08:28,438 --> 00:08:30,707
The hump day of Hanukkah? How dare you.
234
00:08:30,732 --> 00:08:33,613
How dare me, what? I don't
understand why you're so worked up.
235
00:08:33,630 --> 00:08:35,065
Cut the crap, Schwartz!
236
00:08:35,090 --> 00:08:37,199
You're trying to steal Hanukkah, and it ain't happening.
237
00:08:37,224 --> 00:08:41,186
Like always, my mom had spiraled out,
but this time, she was right.
238
00:08:41,264 --> 00:08:41,824
Fine! I
239
00:08:41,849 --> 00:08:42,707
knew it!
240
00:08:42,732 --> 00:08:43,285
You got me
241
00:08:43,363 --> 00:08:45,208
. You are not taking Hanukkah.
242
00:08:45,233 --> 00:08:46,636
Oh! I'm taking it.
243
00:08:46,661 --> 00:08:49,816
I'm taking all the big-ticket holidays,
and you can't stop it.
244
00:08:49,841 --> 00:08:54,305
Oh, I'll stop it when I throw the most
mind-blowing night two in Hanukkah history!
245
00:08:54,330 --> 00:08:57,233
You'll see.
Too bad you won't.
246
00:08:57,258 --> 00:08:58,168
What did you do?
247
00:08:58,193 --> 00:09:01,589
In a few minutes, your pupils will dilate up real nicely.
248
00:09:01,692 --> 00:09:04,597
Good luck frying up a latke in a hazy blur.
249
00:09:04,622 --> 00:09:06,057
You blinded me from Hanukkah?
250
00:09:06,082 --> 00:09:07,769
Yes. For three whole hours.
251
00:09:07,794 --> 00:09:10,062
You have made a dangerous mistake, Lou Schwartz!
252
00:09:10,087 --> 00:09:15,106
Blinding me has only fueled my anger, and I will use
my rage to peel more potatoes than I've ever peeled!
253
00:09:15,131 --> 00:09:16,082
Better watch your fingers.
254
00:09:16,107 --> 00:09:20,736
And you better bring your appetite, 'cause
once I sour cream and applesauce up a latke,
255
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:22,930
it is game, set, Hanukkah!
256
00:09:26,878 --> 00:09:28,621
This is a war you won't win!
257
00:09:28,646 --> 00:09:30,300
I already have!
258
00:09:30,511 --> 00:09:32,713
As my mom stumbled off to dominate Hanukkah,
259
00:09:32,708 --> 00:09:35,511
my brother was mastering Billy Joel's lyrics.
260
00:09:35,536 --> 00:09:37,604
* Harry Truman, Doris Day
261
00:09:37,629 --> 00:09:40,175
Back before Google, it took patience and a good ear.
262
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:42,302
Sadly, Barry had neither.
263
00:09:42,327 --> 00:09:43,962
* Joe is stallin' Mellor's cough
264
00:09:43,950 --> 00:09:45,718
* Nose hairs and pro coffee pots
265
00:09:45,743 --> 00:09:47,378
* Rock your fella, salmonella
266
00:09:47,403 --> 00:09:49,005
* Chickens say "Bock!"
267
00:09:49,030 --> 00:09:50,699
* Toy bone, on the phone
268
00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:52,363
* Tossed panini, yay scones
269
00:09:52,388 --> 00:09:54,027
* Ben's friend Lew Falls
270
00:09:54,052 --> 00:09:55,687
* Walk around the block
271
00:09:55,712 --> 00:09:57,314
* Barf-O, booed a breast
272
00:09:57,339 --> 00:09:59,074
* Slamma Jamma, crew's chest
273
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,768
* Prince is great, paper plates
274
00:10:00,793 --> 00:10:02,628
* Trouble with Aunt Suzy
275
00:10:02,653 --> 00:10:05,191
* We didn't start the fire
276
00:10:05,216 --> 00:10:07,252
* Blah-blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah
277
00:10:07,277 --> 00:10:08,645
* Blah, blah, blah
278
00:10:08,670 --> 00:10:09,527
* Blah, blah, blah
279
00:10:09,552 --> 00:10:11,221
You get it! What do you think?
280
00:10:11,252 --> 00:10:12,253
I think it's amazing.
281
00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:14,047
Do this song exactly like that, pal.
282
00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:15,879
Never let me stand in your way again.
283
00:10:15,904 --> 00:10:19,708
A more insecure man would wonder why he's so pleased.
284
00:10:19,733 --> 00:10:20,910
But I'm not such a man.
285
00:10:20,935 --> 00:10:24,105
Um, Bar, I... I think you messed up a couple of lyrics there.
286
00:10:24,130 --> 00:10:25,472
Mmm... No.
287
00:10:26,409 --> 00:10:28,418
Dude, who's awful idea was this?
288
00:10:28,443 --> 00:10:29,710
That'd be me.
289
00:10:29,735 --> 00:10:31,304
I... I'm his sensei.
290
00:10:31,329 --> 00:10:37,217
Mr. Grandpa, sir, I would like to go on record and
respectfully say that your advice will destroy Barry's life
291
00:10:37,242 --> 00:10:38,527
and that you suck at this.
292
00:10:38,552 --> 00:10:40,287
While Pops was regretting the talent show,
293
00:10:40,312 --> 00:10:43,373
my mom couldn't wait
to show the Schwartzes a real Hanukkah.
294
00:10:43,398 --> 00:10:44,250
Knock, knock!
295
00:10:44,466 --> 00:10:47,135
Not sure if you can see us, but we're here!
296
00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:49,988
Doesn't matter!
I can cook dinner with my eyes closed.
297
00:10:50,013 --> 00:10:52,016
Come on in. Sorry the place is such a mess.
298
00:10:52,055 --> 00:10:56,817
A mess? Oh, look at this house.
It's like a Hanukkah winter wonderland.
299
00:10:56,842 --> 00:10:58,009
Yeah, what's the deal?
300
00:10:58,034 --> 00:11:00,972
We usually just light a candle
and get a lame gift, like dental floss.
301
00:11:00,997 --> 00:11:03,632
Stop. When it comes to the Festival of Lights,
302
00:11:03,657 --> 00:11:06,211
the Goldbergs really know how to turn it on.
303
00:11:06,236 --> 00:11:08,429
Last thing I'd want is for you to burst into flames
304
00:11:08,454 --> 00:11:11,007
so we'd have to host Hanukkah every year.
305
00:11:11,032 --> 00:11:12,290
You know what's even better?
306
00:11:12,315 --> 00:11:13,392
Presents!
307
00:11:14,195 --> 00:11:15,929
A hundred dollars? That's insane!
308
00:11:15,954 --> 00:11:18,748
That's what you get when you do
Hanukkah here. Remember that.
309
00:11:18,773 --> 00:11:21,108
And, uh, we have a gift for Erica.
310
00:11:21,133 --> 00:11:22,313
We do?
311
00:11:22,718 --> 00:11:24,000
Thirty-two dollars.
312
00:11:24,025 --> 00:11:26,661
And a shammy for your glasses.
313
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,172
Don't be silly. It's time for dinner.
314
00:11:28,197 --> 00:11:31,166
I hope you have enough room for eight courses.
315
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:32,426
Prepare your tummies!
316
00:11:32,451 --> 00:11:34,086
Whoa! GEOFF: Damn!
317
00:11:35,397 --> 00:11:36,930
Hey, kiddo.
318
00:11:37,291 --> 00:11:39,660
I... I've been thinking about the talent show.
319
00:11:39,685 --> 00:11:42,243
Maybe we should give that little song back to Adam.
320
00:11:42,268 --> 00:11:43,485
No can do.
321
00:11:43,510 --> 00:11:45,735
I already sent Billy Joel the parking directions.
322
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:46,895
No, that's smart,
323
00:11:47,054 --> 00:11:50,983
but I think you'd make a much bigger
splash by doing something funny.
324
00:11:51,053 --> 00:11:53,923
But it took me forever to perfectly
memorize every word of that song!
325
00:11:53,948 --> 00:11:54,772
Bup, bup, bup.
326
00:11:54,797 --> 00:11:57,110
You promised to do everything I say, right?
327
00:11:57,135 --> 00:11:59,137
Yes. Forgive me, sensei.
328
00:11:59,162 --> 00:12:00,196
So, what's your idea?
329
00:12:00,221 --> 00:12:06,008
The greatest Abbott and Costello routine
of all time, guaranteed to kill.
330
00:12:06,033 --> 00:12:09,929
It's a famous skit
about the players and their funny names.
331
00:12:09,954 --> 00:12:12,056
It's called Who's on First?
332
00:12:12,081 --> 00:12:14,500
Who?
Exactly! So you know it?
333
00:12:14,533 --> 00:12:15,701
What?
Yes!
334
00:12:15,726 --> 00:12:16,793
"What's" on second.
335
00:12:16,818 --> 00:12:18,687
You started this thing! You tell me!
336
00:12:18,712 --> 00:12:20,219
Okay. Let me clear this up.
337
00:12:20,244 --> 00:12:22,146
"Who" is the player.
338
00:12:22,171 --> 00:12:23,563
"Who" is on first.
339
00:12:23,588 --> 00:12:25,390
Why won't you tell me?
340
00:12:25,415 --> 00:12:28,150
You know what, I think you're gonna need some visuals.
341
00:12:28,175 --> 00:12:29,876
Then you'll know who's on first.
342
00:12:29,908 --> 00:12:31,110
Who?
343
00:12:32,726 --> 00:12:37,391
Okay, now you can clearly visualize
where each and every player is.
344
00:12:37,416 --> 00:12:38,985
So, who's on first?
345
00:12:39,010 --> 00:12:40,177
Easy. Von Hayes.
346
00:12:40,202 --> 00:12:41,470
No. It's Who.
347
00:12:41,495 --> 00:12:42,735
Who is on first.
348
00:12:42,768 --> 00:12:45,437
I just told you, Von Hayes.
349
00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:48,335
I'm not asking you about the Phillies lineup.
350
00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,063
I'm telling you. It's Who!
351
00:12:50,088 --> 00:12:50,902
Von Hayes.
352
00:12:50,935 --> 00:12:52,237
Okay, look at me.
353
00:12:52,262 --> 00:12:55,800
Ask me the name of the player on third base.
354
00:12:55,825 --> 00:12:57,683
I don't need to ask you.
355
00:12:57,708 --> 00:12:58,802
It's Mike Schmidt, right?
356
00:12:58,827 --> 00:13:01,497
Wrong. This is "I Don't Know."
357
00:13:01,483 --> 00:13:03,619
How do you not know Mike Schmidt?
358
00:13:03,651 --> 00:13:05,716
He's a Gold Glove winner and a perennial All-Star!
359
00:13:05,756 --> 00:13:08,058
Barry! Just listen!
360
00:13:08,083 --> 00:13:09,718
Who is on first!
361
00:13:09,750 --> 00:13:11,380
Who! I'm telling you!
362
00:13:11,450 --> 00:13:13,068
Who is the name!
363
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:15,028
And I told you! His name is...
364
00:13:15,053 --> 00:13:17,455
Don't you dare say Von Hayes!
365
00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:18,481
(MUTTERING) Von Hayes.
366
00:13:19,546 --> 00:13:20,647
Okay.
367
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:25,741
Now we're literally on a baseball field
with your friends holding up the names.
368
00:13:25,766 --> 00:13:27,868
It cannot be any clearer.
369
00:13:27,893 --> 00:13:32,097
So, tell me the name of the player on third.
370
00:13:32,164 --> 00:13:32,921
I Don't Know.
371
00:13:32,946 --> 00:13:37,866
Barry, do you really not know or
do you know it's I Don't Know.
372
00:13:37,891 --> 00:13:39,159
It's I Don't Know.
373
00:13:39,184 --> 00:13:40,452
And What's on second.
374
00:13:40,477 --> 00:13:41,499
And Who's on first.
375
00:13:41,524 --> 00:13:42,117
Yes!
376
00:13:42,133 --> 00:13:44,343
Yeah, baby! Only two hours!
377
00:13:44,368 --> 00:13:45,435
Can we go home now?
378
00:13:45,460 --> 00:13:47,616
One question. Why is it funny?
379
00:13:47,641 --> 00:13:49,944
No one on Earth would name their son Who!
380
00:13:49,969 --> 00:13:51,103
He's right. Kind of lame.
381
00:13:51,128 --> 00:13:52,129
Okay, here's what I'm gonna do.
382
00:13:52,154 --> 00:13:54,680
I'm gonna make this actually
funny by changing all the names.
383
00:13:54,705 --> 00:13:55,739
Don't change the names.
384
00:13:55,743 --> 00:13:57,845
First base is Mr. ClownFarts.
385
00:13:57,870 --> 00:13:59,647
Second base is Bob Frapples.
386
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,574
And third base is Giant (BLEEP) Face.
387
00:14:01,599 --> 00:14:04,034
No! Those aren't real names!
388
00:14:04,059 --> 00:14:06,862
They're more real than your first baseman, Mr. Who!
389
00:14:06,887 --> 00:14:08,374
It makes no sense!
390
00:14:08,399 --> 00:14:13,147
No parent with the last name of (BLEEP)
Face would name their child Giant! Ever!
391
00:14:13,172 --> 00:14:14,740
Then what would they name him?
392
00:14:14,765 --> 00:14:15,507
Josh!
393
00:14:15,532 --> 00:14:16,323
Screw it!
394
00:14:16,348 --> 00:14:17,750
I'm going back to being Barry Joel.
395
00:14:17,775 --> 00:14:21,264
Barry, don't do that show. I'm
just trying to protect you here.
396
00:14:21,289 --> 00:14:23,241
From what?
From yourself!
397
00:14:23,266 --> 00:14:28,062
You don't know any of the words to that song, and
I can't help you like I did with the karate!
398
00:14:28,087 --> 00:14:29,094
What do you mean, help?
399
00:14:29,119 --> 00:14:32,055
I swapped in a board made of balsa wood!
400
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:34,499
Balsa wood better be the strongest of all woods.
401
00:14:34,524 --> 00:14:36,226
Bro, it breaks like a Kit Kat bar.
402
00:14:36,251 --> 00:14:38,421
That better be the strongest of all candy bars.
403
00:14:38,446 --> 00:14:39,681
It's not, dude.
404
00:14:39,706 --> 00:14:46,129
Look, if I didn't actually break that board, then
the best night of my life is nothing but a lie.
405
00:14:46,154 --> 00:14:47,188
That's not true, kiddo.
406
00:14:47,213 --> 00:14:49,261
No. I get it.
407
00:14:49,740 --> 00:14:50,974
Even you can't help me.
408
00:14:51,844 --> 00:14:52,878
I'm unfixable.
409
00:14:56,187 --> 00:14:57,521
As everyone waited for dinner,
410
00:14:57,546 --> 00:15:00,488
my mom's plans to win Hanukkah were spinning out of control.
411
00:15:00,513 --> 00:15:02,182
Boom! Squiggly again!
412
00:15:02,207 --> 00:15:04,409
Send the bread to Fred, the Schwartzes win.
413
00:15:04,434 --> 00:15:06,671
Okay, double or nothing. You win, you get Thanksgiving.
414
00:15:06,696 --> 00:15:07,831
You're on!
Okay.
415
00:15:07,856 --> 00:15:08,957
My turn, I'll spin.
416
00:15:08,982 --> 00:15:10,316
No, no, no. It's my dreidel!
417
00:15:10,341 --> 00:15:12,707
I'm the spinner!
No, no!
418
00:15:12,739 --> 00:15:14,341
Yes! Squiggly!
419
00:15:14,366 --> 00:15:15,834
The Goldbergs are back on the board.
420
00:15:15,859 --> 00:15:17,952
Look at that! You got one. Game's over.
Happy Hanukkah.
421
00:15:17,977 --> 00:15:19,464
Hey! Hey, wait! Wait!
422
00:15:19,489 --> 00:15:21,325
That's six squiggles in a row.
423
00:15:21,504 --> 00:15:22,027
What?
424
00:15:22,052 --> 00:15:23,807
Is this a loaded dreidel?
No!
425
00:15:23,832 --> 00:15:27,199
Did you bring a loaded dreidel into my home?
426
00:15:27,224 --> 00:15:28,535
There's no such thing.
427
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:29,422
Is that right?
428
00:15:36,877 --> 00:15:38,879
(GASPS) You can prove nothing!
429
00:15:38,904 --> 00:15:40,339
Okay, what is all the yelling about?
430
00:15:40,364 --> 00:15:41,714
I thought we were supposed to have dinner.
431
00:15:41,739 --> 00:15:43,707
Lou, what is going on? The kids need to pick!
432
00:15:43,732 --> 00:15:46,707
Which one of us is gonna be the fun
in-laws you spend all the holidays with?
433
00:15:46,732 --> 00:15:48,434
What are you talking about? Why is your shoe off?
434
00:15:48,459 --> 00:15:49,808
He was cheating at dreidel!
435
00:15:49,833 --> 00:15:51,347
Okay, everybody stop!
436
00:15:51,372 --> 00:15:53,842
There is no holiday house! We're just dating!
437
00:15:53,867 --> 00:15:54,762
Pick right now!
438
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:55,826
Erica, say us.
439
00:15:55,851 --> 00:15:57,300
Say us or I have no daughter.
440
00:15:57,332 --> 00:15:59,593
You have to pick me, Geoffrey, or
you're out of my will forever!
441
00:15:59,618 --> 00:16:03,113
You know, the whole point of this holiday was
for our families to get to know each other.
442
00:16:03,138 --> 00:16:05,039
Yeah. Thanks for ruining it.
443
00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:16,080
My mom may have lost her precious holiday,
444
00:16:16,105 --> 00:16:18,588
but I had found my new act for the talent show.
445
00:16:18,613 --> 00:16:21,377
Okay. What am I looking at here?
446
00:16:21,402 --> 00:16:22,658
Not that it's any of your business,
447
00:16:22,725 --> 00:16:26,689
but I'm working on a new super-sexy act for the talent show.
448
00:16:26,714 --> 00:16:28,518
Put the scarves away, kiddo.
449
00:16:28,543 --> 00:16:30,441
You can do the Billy Joel song.
450
00:16:30,466 --> 00:16:31,867
What? Barry gave up?
451
00:16:31,892 --> 00:16:33,159
Mmm, just on me.
452
00:16:33,184 --> 00:16:36,129
He finally came to me for help,
and I let him down.
453
00:16:36,154 --> 00:16:38,600
No, don't do that! Don't
make me feel sad for him.
454
00:16:38,625 --> 00:16:41,050
The guy stole my song and my Jedi grandpa.
455
00:16:41,075 --> 00:16:43,377
Kiddo, I've helped you your whole life,
456
00:16:43,402 --> 00:16:45,090
and now... I
457
00:16:45,115 --> 00:16:46,293
need your help.
458
00:16:49,272 --> 00:16:50,873
Hey, can we talk about the talent show?
459
00:16:50,928 --> 00:16:54,724
Look, if Pops sent you in here, tell him
I'm not doing his stupid comedy routine.
460
00:16:54,749 --> 00:16:56,175
Forget about Who's on First?
461
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:57,886
I'm here to tell you to do the song.
462
00:16:57,911 --> 00:16:59,625
Please. We both know I suck at it.
463
00:16:59,650 --> 00:17:02,453
That's why we're gonna combine your rap skills and showmanship
464
00:17:02,478 --> 00:17:04,160
with my greatest talent,
465
00:17:04,185 --> 00:17:06,019
audio-video wizardry.
466
00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:09,246
And so, united by our sensei granddad,
467
00:17:09,271 --> 00:17:11,774
me and Barry decided he wouldn't just rap.
468
00:17:11,799 --> 00:17:13,401
He wouldn't just sing.
469
00:17:13,426 --> 00:17:16,754
He'd rap-sing the most important
song in our school's history.
470
00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:18,522
* Barry Goldberg, JTP
471
00:17:18,547 --> 00:17:20,215
* William Penn Academy
472
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:21,908
* Fighting Quakers, North Philly
473
00:17:21,933 --> 00:17:23,468
* Principal Ball
474
00:17:23,493 --> 00:17:25,295
* Coach Mellor is good at sports
475
00:17:25,327 --> 00:17:26,894
* And he wears those tiny shorts
476
00:17:26,919 --> 00:17:30,222
* Cecil the janitor is mopping up the hall
477
00:17:30,500 --> 00:17:33,046
It's true! He mopped up something
I spilled this morning!
478
00:17:33,036 --> 00:17:34,941
* Mr. Glascott is a nerd
479
00:17:34,966 --> 00:17:36,635
* Feather Locklear is his bird
480
00:17:36,660 --> 00:17:38,254
* Miss Tabs habla Espanol
481
00:17:38,279 --> 00:17:39,947
* Lunch lady is really old
482
00:17:39,972 --> 00:17:41,640
* Mr. Woodburn is so mean
483
00:17:41,665 --> 00:17:43,285
* Cinoman's the drama queen
484
00:17:43,310 --> 00:17:45,012
* Then there's Doc throwin' chalk
485
00:17:45,037 --> 00:17:46,805
That guy is out of control
486
00:17:46,830 --> 00:17:48,386
* Burnouts, nerds, and jocks
487
00:17:48,411 --> 00:17:50,013
* Jamie Weisman's really hot
488
00:17:50,038 --> 00:17:51,707
* Taz Money, Dave Kim
489
00:17:51,732 --> 00:17:53,466
* Chad Kremp, what's up with him?
490
00:17:53,491 --> 00:17:55,193
* Jackie and my brother Ad
491
00:17:55,218 --> 00:17:56,777
* My sensei is my granddad
492
00:17:56,802 --> 00:17:58,574
* Watch me flip this on the floor
493
00:17:58,599 --> 00:18:00,668
* I can't take it anymore
494
00:18:03,946 --> 00:18:04,947
Yeah!
495
00:18:04,972 --> 00:18:05,769
Whoo!
496
00:18:05,794 --> 00:18:07,968
Mr. Glascott! Come quick!
It's super important!
497
00:18:07,993 --> 00:18:09,729
No, it's not. None of this matters.
498
00:18:09,754 --> 00:18:11,322
But Barry started a fire!
499
00:18:11,347 --> 00:18:13,582
Dang it! It does matter!
500
00:18:13,607 --> 00:18:14,930
It matters real bad!
501
00:18:18,789 --> 00:18:20,251
Oh. Hello.
502
00:18:22,558 --> 00:18:25,161
Hi. My wife made you a kugel.
503
00:18:25,428 --> 00:18:28,086
Mmm. Smells delicious.
504
00:18:28,288 --> 00:18:30,579
You both really know your way around a Hanukkah dish.
505
00:18:30,604 --> 00:18:32,899
Right back at you. You were right.
506
00:18:33,226 --> 00:18:36,024
Never take on Beverly Goldberg in a Hanukkah war.
507
00:18:36,049 --> 00:18:41,414
What do you say we stop worrying about the future
and just enjoy the great kids we have right now?
508
00:18:41,439 --> 00:18:42,675
I'd love that. (CHUCKLES)
509
00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:45,008
* We didn't start the fire
510
00:18:45,149 --> 00:18:45,930
What?
511
00:18:46,095 --> 00:18:48,711
You'll get used to it.
We're family now.
512
00:18:48,736 --> 00:18:51,706
That night, my mom started a new holiday tradition,
513
00:18:51,801 --> 00:18:54,037
and Barry didn't just start a fire...
514
00:18:54,308 --> 00:18:55,742
He started his comeback.
515
00:18:59,981 --> 00:19:00,982
What's all this?
516
00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:02,881
We decided to share the holiday.
517
00:19:02,906 --> 00:19:04,678
There's enough nights to go around.
518
00:19:05,449 --> 00:19:08,877
In the end, the holidays aren't about the
number of nights you have to celebrate.
519
00:19:08,946 --> 00:19:11,015
All that matters is you're together,
520
00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:13,710
laughing, eating, and making memories.
521
00:19:15,991 --> 00:19:18,233
522
00:19:18,819 --> 00:19:20,288
523
00:19:31,939 --> 00:19:33,881
This is my worst nightmare!
39435
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