Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

( singing in native language )

Everybody sing.

Hey, Bobby...

Hey. How come you look so happy?

You know, this really strange thing happened to me last night.

I called you up to see if you wanted

to go out for a beer or something

and you weren't home. Right.

I talked to this girl on your answering service...

Named Angela.

Oh, she's terrific.

My favorite operator.

You know, I call for my messages,

and all the rest of them

they just say, "Still nothing."

You know, an actor doesn't like to hear that

but Angela-- nobody called me--

she gives me other people's messages.

Yeah, yeah, she really seemed nice on the phone, you know?

Oh, unbelievably nice.

LOUIE: Hey, Rieger?

Sometimes she gives me Gene Shalit's messages.

Really?

Yeah. Gene and me

we use the same service, you know.

A lot of stars call him.

You know who called him yesterday?

Who?

Erma Bombeck.

Hey, you ever been out with Angela, Bobby?

Angela? From your answering service?

Oh, she's a peach.

One night she and I discussed my boxing career.

You know, we never even met

and still we must have talked for around five minutes.

That's longer than most of your fights last.

Yeah.

We talked for a while too.

Over an hour.

Wow, an hour? Hold it.

You tied up my line for an hour?

Alex, I could be getting acting jobs

during that time.

I sort of forgot about the time.

I mean she was so terrific on the phone.

Hey, how come you never thought about asking her out?

Well, I almost asked her out once

but I decided against it, it wasn't worth the risk.

What risk?

She might turn out to be a dog.

Oh.

Geez.

Did you just geez at me, Elaine?

I can't believe you. I mean you wouldn't go out

with a woman if she wasn't good looking?

Sure, I would.

If I was real drunk or something.

Hey come on, Elaine.

Looks matter to women too.

How popular are short, pudgy, ugly men?

Yeah. How popular, Louie?

You know, Bobby

I hope someone slams a door on your nose

and you sneeze and your head explodes.

If you had such a good conversation with her, Alex

why don't you ask her out?

Well, I'm thinking about it.

Yeah, well, I got to call for my messages.

Hey, if Angela should happen to answer

should I...

No.

All right, whatever, but you better move fast.

Why?

So you can tell me what she's like.

Hi.

Any for Wheeler, 131?

Anything for Shalit?

Hey, Angela, how'd you like talking to my friend, Alex?

Oh, yeah.

He's even better than he sounds.

Sure. I'll describe him to you.

Before Bobby gets cute, I, uh...

Oh, this is Alex.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I remember your voice, too

even though I knew it was you.

I mean, even if I didn't know it was you

and I heard your voice, I would know it was you.

You want to go out with me?

Smooth, Alex.

Would you get out of here?

Oh, boy.

What, "Oh, boy?"

What you got there, Latka?

( speaking native language )

Okay, okay, Latka.

Shh! Slow down, okay?

Slow down.

Okay.

( speaking native language slowly )

You found it on the back seat.

Yeah.

2,000 bucks.

2,000 smackers.

Not smackers. Bucks.

Latka, you found the 2,000 bucks

I've been looking for.

Hey, you never lost 2,000 bucks.

I didn't say I lost it.

I just said I was looking for it.

I've been looking for 2,000 bucks all my life.

Hands off, Louie.

MAN: Hey, Louie...

it's your mother calling.

She says somebody's trying to break into her apartment.

Tell her I'll get back to her.

That's your mother.

All right. I'll talk to her now.

Don't do nothing with that money while I'm gone.

Listen, somebody has to bring this up.

The hack rules say that this money

must be returned to the police precinct.

No police.

Oh, it's okay, if we turn it in

and nobody claims it within 90 days

then it's returned to us, free and clear.

No police, no police, no nothing.

Just money.

You know, it's probably dirty money, right?

I mean what kind of decent person

walks around with 2,000 bucks in cash, right?

A priest who collected it

for underprivileged crippled children.

Or a nun on her way to send it to starving natives.

Or a hooker.

Hey, Alex, listen, we got a little problem.

Latka just found this bunch of money...

( speaking native language )

Oh, it gets better every time he tells it.

Anyway, we're trying to decide what to do.

Yeah? Good. I got to leave. I got a date.

With Angela?

Uh-huh.

Hey, way to go.

I never worked so hard for a date in my life.

Hey, where you taking her?

Well, I thought I'd take her to dinner, uh, Mario's.

It's a nice place, but stay away

from the clams oreganata with eggplant.

It killed my sister-in-law.

Have a good time, Alex.

Doesn't get any better.

Hi. I'm Alex.

You blew it. You could have said

you were looking for another apartment.

No. I was looking for this one, 3-D.

It fell off when I knocked on... door.

Well, my admirers

will just have to wander the halls looking for me.

I hate to disappoint you, but I'm Angela.

Oh. Here's your "D."

You want to come in?

Huh? Yeah. Sure.

You got guts.

It's very nice.

You're doing very well.

Huh?

The smile, I mean.

Most guys drop it ten seconds after they see me.

You can stop now.

You've got the record.

Say...

so, Angela...

This is really very nice.

Do you want to use the phone?

What for?

To call your mother.

Maybe you'll be lucky and she'll be sick

and you'll have to run over and see her.

( laughs )

That's some sense of humor you got there, Angela.

Well, listen, our dinner reservations

aren't for about an hour

so you want to get something first somewhere else--

a drink or something?

You must know

a really dark bar where no one will see us.

We don't have to go anywhere if you don't want to.

We can have a drink here.

Sure, why take any chance on anyone seeing you with me.

What would you like to drink?

What do you got?

Malteds.

Listen, we can get something at the restaurant.

Hope you like Italian.

Doesn't matter.

As you can see, I eat anything.

If you want, I could fix you something here.

You don't want to go out?

I don't care.

I was just trying to make it easy on you.

Get your coat.

What are you trying to prove?

That you're a great guy?

Okay. You're a great guy. A real prince.

Um... here.

Here's your coat.

You don't know when to quit, do you?

Hey, I asked you out for dinner, we're going out for dinner.

It will be fun.

You'll see.

Fat chance.

Do you like clams oreganata with eggplant?

I never met anybody

who liked anchovies.

Rich people probably like them.

Rich people like anything

that's small that tastes weird.

Why don't you drop the act now, huh?

What? What act?

Pretending that you're not having a lousy time.

Hey, come on, Angela, would you?

What do you still got your coat on for?

The management requested it.

Don't you care for your salad?

I wouldn't know if I cared for it or not.

I didn't eat it.

Hey, what's with you?

What's the matter? Aren't you having a good time anymore?

I once went out with a girl

who pulled a knife on me, robbed me

and threw me out of her car on the New Jersey turnpike.

I have to think about that now as a medium date.

So you want to take me home now?

Yeah, I'd be happy to.

There he is.

Let's go out this way.

Hey, Alex, I'm really sorry.

I tried to stop them

from coming down and bothering you.

Angela Matusa

this is Tony Banta, John Burns, Latka Gravas

and Bobby Wheeler, who I guess you sort of know.

Nice to finally meet you, Angela.

Am I what you pictured, Bobby?

Yeah, more or less.

More.

What are you guys doing here?

ANGELA: If you'll excuse me.

I have to use the ladies' room.

Hey, Alex...

So how's your big date?

All right, stop that.

( laughter )

That's not funny.

Hey.

( speaking native language )

I think Latka likes her.

Do you like her, Latka?

Maybe Alex will give you her number.

You could call her up for tomorrow night.

Oh, no. Thank you very much.

All right, what do you clowns want?

Yeah. Why don't you sit down?

Well, you know the money that Latka found?

We're still trying to decide what to do with it.

We wanted you to hold onto it

until we figure out what to do with it, all right?

Yeah, because otherwise

we're going to have to spend the night as a group

'cause nobody trusts nobody.

Except you.

Everybody trusts you.

Okay.

Want to give us

a receipt?

Oh, here comes Angela.

Now be polite, huh?

Control yourself.

Oh, hi.

Good to see you back.

Everything go all right

in the ladies' room?

We should be going now.

Nice meeting you, Angela.

See you.

Yeah, so long.

Bet your friends

got quite a kick out of me, huh?

What do you mean?

I heard them all break up when I left.

They weren't laughing at you.

No?

No.

One of the guys told a joke.

Why are you afraid to tell me they were laughing at me? I can take it.

Because they weren't. Now can we drop this?

All I know is, I heard a big laugh when I left the table.

I told you what it was.

What do you want from me?

I want you to stop lying to me.

You've been lying to me all night, and I'm sick of it.

Okay.

They were laughing at you, okay?

You could have held out.

I was almost ready to believe you.

Look, you don't have

to bother seeing me home.

No, I'll take you.

No, really. I'm one of the few women in New York

who's safe on the streets.

Come on, you came with me, you're leaving with me.

Listen, let's not spoil a lovely evening

by arguing, okay?

And hey, don't worry. You did your duty.

You proved you were a nice guy.

I'm taking you.

Get your paws off me.

They give you a little dinner, they think they own you.

Latka! Will you cut it out?!

You're not going to find any more money.

Besides, these cabs got to go out soon

but they can't go out with no back seats

'cause where will our passengers sit?

You want them to squat

on the floor like ducks?

Okay.

Put the damn seats back

you dumb foreigner.

Come on!

Foreigner?

Yeah.

Did you said foreigner?

Yeah.

For you.

What's that mean?

Means this.

You better smile when you do that, buddy.

Oh, yeah?

Okay, pal, mull this one over.

Oh, all right.

I accept your apology.

But we still don't know who was driving

when the money was left in it.

Hi, Alex.

Hey, Alex, did you score?

Shut up.

I guess not.

Geez.

I heard about your date.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I wonder how come?

You get some real kooks on blind dates, boy.

Like this one.

I show up-- looking good, per usual--

and this girl comes to the door.

Beautiful.

Not your type.

Right, 'cause to be honest

I prefer my women "H and H"-- homely and hot.

I misjudged you, Louie.

You're really a poet, you know?

You bet.

Can I have my receipt, please?

Anyway, all of a sudden, she says, "I feel sick."

Tells me she thinks she was exposed to cholera

earlier that day.

So, what did you do?

I tried to take her blouse off.

It's not my fault she feels sick

so why shouldn't one of us have a good time, right?

You know, every time I talk to you, Louie

I feel grateful that I haven't eaten yet.

Heard about your date.

Oh, yeah, what was it, broadcast over the PA?

Yeah.

Hey, Elaine, can I talk to you

for a minute?

Yeah, sure.

I don't want any advice.

I just want to talk.

Go ahead.

I can't stop thinking about that girl.

You know, you're a terrific guy.

That's not what I want to hear.

It just goes to show you how terrific you are.

All night long, she kept accusing me

of going through the motions--

that I wouldn't call her again because of her looks

and I kept telling her she was wrong.

Terrific.

But she wasn't wrong.

Oh, Alex, you too?

No. Listen, what I can't figure out

is that hour I had with her on the phone

was one of the greatest conversations I've ever had.

A witty, bright, sensitive girl

who came to the door disappeared.

What happened to her?

Maybe Angela ate her.

It wasn't just her looks.

She was also the bitterest, surliest

most depressing person I ever met.

So, how come I feel like I have to go see her again?

I don't know.

You got an answer for that?

Yeah, I feel like

I'm walking away from a car wreck

with a person trapped inside.

That's true.

I'm going to go see her.

Oh, before I forget

you can give us that money back now.

Even though we're nowhere near

figuring out how to split it.

Hey, listen, Latka found it.

Why don't you give it all to him?

That's one we didn't think of.

What are you talking about?

He doesn't know what to do with that kind of money.

Yeah, he'll probably just blow it

on rent or food or something.

How can you give it to him?

You want to pop the veins in my head?

Here, Latka, take your money.

Okay, you guys.

( speaking native language )

Thank you very much.

Hey, no, no.

Latka, Latka, please.

Please, not now.

Let's make it seven out of 13.

What are you doing this time

praying nobody will be home?

Huh? No. Listen, I just dropped by because I, I...

Come in if you want.

Okay.

I guess I should have called first, but, uh...

Hey, is this our second date?

I don't know.

Let's say it is. I've never had one.

Okay, it's our second date.

Good, so far it looks like I haven't been missing anything.

Hey, Angela? Will you just let me get out what I have to say?

Because I don't want to end up

with us doing that stupid stuff that we did last night.

You mean falling in love?

Would you like to hear what I have to say or not?

Can I get a drink first?

I have a feeling I'm going to need a drink.

Yeah, go ahead.

You want anything? No, thanks.

So, what's on your mind?

Well, I, uh...

I don't really know.

I, uh...

I guess I would sort of like to get to know you better.

Why?

Why not?

Well, you might not know to look at me

but I'm not exactly beautiful, or, uh, even good-looking.

I'm not quite plain.

Now, feel free to jump in and stop me anytime.

Hey, come on.

I'm no Robert Redford, you know.

I wouldn't mind looking like you if I was a man.

Would you want to look like me?

Wouldn't be so bad.

I'd, you know, kind of fix up my hair

and, uh... I'd do that sort of stuff with makeup

and, uh, I'd go to a gym, and I'd work on myself.

I mean, that's what I would do.

Not that I'm saying that you should do anything.

It's just what I would do.

Okay, let's say I did all the hairdo and makeup

and everything and dropped ten or 70 pounds.

Do you think I'd be attractive?

Do you think I'd be attractive?

Yeah, sure, why not?

In a romantic sort of way?

You don't have to answer.

You could just nod.

Hey, look, I'm not, uh...

I haven't been romantically involved in eight years

and I'm not about to break my streak right now.

Hey, look, but we, uh... we did have fun

talking on the phone the other day, didn't we?

I mean, that was sort of special.

Hey, look, I swear I'm not that comfortable

with that many people.

I just think that we could get to be friends.

I can't believe you came all the way back here

just because you forgot to give me

the "let's be friends" speech.

Hey, can we drop that?

I just think I'd like to get to know you better, that's all.

You want me to open up?

Would that make you happy?

Make you feel like

you did your good deed for the day?

Okay. Okay.

But then you better plan on sticking around.

Because I'm not standing here alone

with my insides on the floor, while you walk out

feeling you did the poor fat girl some big favor

by helping her get in touch with her feelings.

You want to be a hero?

Then be prepared to stick around

for the rest of the war, okay?

Maybe I will.

But can we start slower--

like where we went to high school

and then we'll work up to your insides on the floor?

Hey, Angela, I think we had a normal moment there.

Huh?

Well, listen, uh, you don't mind

if I get a little clear

on what we're trying to establish here.

It wouldn't make you nuts, would it?

No, it would not make me nuts.

So, uh...

so, what it is, is, is...

I could call you whenever I feel like it?

If I need advice, I could call you?

Yeah.

Uh... if you need advice, you could call me?

Yup.

If we have something interesting happening

we could call each other?

Yeah.

We could call just to shoot the breeze?

Yeah.

Yup.

Or, uh...

if I just need a hug?

Uh, you know how long it's been since I cried?

No.

A half an hour.

( theme music playing )

WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )