Original subtitles

Don't do that, Tony.

Tony, you know I don't like French kissing.

That's dirty.

Sorry, Audrey.

No hickeys, Tony.

Jeez. Come on.

Tony, no. Tony.

Come on, Audrey. I just want to touch 'em.

Please?

Okay, just for a little while,

but I'm not going all the way.

All right.

Tony, no.

Please, just let me touch 'em.

Okay, just a little.

- Tony. - Audrey.

- That tickles. - Audrey.

Stop. Tony.

You're going to make me pee.

- Pee? - Woman: Tony, hurry.

Oh, Jesus. Hurry. Get dressed.

Let's go.

Tony: Uh...

hi, everybody.

Ma, Dad, this is Audrey.

Audrey, this is my ma and dad.

Hi, Audrey. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Cannelloni.

How come you're sitting in the dark today?

Uh...

we were-- we were watching the moon.

Tony: Yeah. Yeah.

In here? There's no moon out tonight.

Is there a moon out, Joe?

Louise, will you take it easy?

There's a moon out there.

You get any?

Audrey, is there anything I can get you, a drink or something?

No, Dad. We were just about to leave.

What's this?

That's mine, Mom.

Sorry. I been looking all over the house for it.

Christina, how many times have I told you

to please pick up after yourself?

Anybody want coffee in here? Joe?

Yes, dear.

No, thanks, Mom.

Come on, Audrey. I'll drive you home.

I'm going to walk.

What do you mean, walk home?

You can't leave me like this.

It's not my problem.

When can I see you again?

Tony Cannelloni, if I never see you again,

it'll be too soon.

Oh, Audrey,

aren't you forgetting something?

Ah, what's the matter, big brother?

You know, I heard cold showers do wonders.

Nice day, isn't it?

Was until you opened you big mouth.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Tony! Tony!

- Good morning. - Morning.

Good morning, Daphne.

Cannelloni, you are five minutes late.

Sorry.

Sure.

Nice day, isn't it?

Yeah, right.

Hey, that's a no-no. Come on.

- Let's go. Come on.

Weirdo.

Nice day, isn't it?

Sure. Come on, honey.

Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable

in a hotel room or something?

Oh, honey, why waste your money?

Besides, when I get through with you,

you'll think you're in heaven.

But first, money, please.

Oh, yeah.

Here you go.

Oh, butterfingers me.

Could you?

Yeah, sure.

See, honey? Just like heaven.

- Louise: Tony.

Are you going to be in there all day?

I'll be out in a minute, Ma.

Tony.

Yeah, Ma.

We're ready to sit down to dinner.

Okay, okay. Jeez.

I got a surprise for you, Tony.

I invited Deborah to dinner.

Tony has this obsession with hygiene.

He's always in the bathroom.

Well, cleanliness is next to godliness,

I always say, Mrs. Cannelloni.

- Hi, Deborah. - Hi, Tony.

Well, Tony, did you have a nice day?

Don't ask.

Tony, I got the tickets.

What tickets?

I told Deborah you love birds.

So I got tickets to the Audubon Society lecture tonight.

It's all about the mating

of the African speckle hawk.

Christina: I think you're confused, Mom.

Tony didn't say "birds." He said "chicks."

Chicks, ducks, penguins, same thing.

Christina: Um...

no, Tony promised to help me

with my-- study for my business exam.

Yeah, yeah. I did?

Well, Tony can help you tomorrow night.

Deborah went to a lot of--

Joe: But, Louise, I need the car tonight.

Oh, that's all right, Mr. Cannelloni.

We can use mine.

Joe: Ahem.

Thank you, Lord, for this bountiful feast,

for the antipasto salad,

for the chicken Parmesan

with Louise's famous sauce,

um...

the side linguini with the--

smothered in a green pesto sauce,

and for dessert--

what's for dessert, Louise?

You're on a diet, remember?

Scratch the dessert.

Amen.

Excuse me, but...

What's the matter, Deborah?

...well, I forgot...

What got into her?

Maybe you should have made dessert.

Sauce.

What did you say to her?

That you had V.D.

Which one?

Is this yours?

No.

Announcer: "Sex Appeal."

How to get it...

and what to do with it.

Do women reject you daily?

When was the last time you had a date?

Are you still stuck on first base

while the rest of the team is hitting home runs?

Are you tired of the Michael Jackson song

"Beat It"?

If you've answered yes to any of these questions,

you may be lacking sex appeal.

For 19.95, learn how to attract the opposite sex.

Learn how you too can achieve sex appeal.

At your favorite bookstore.

-Hi. - Hi.

- How much is that? - That's 4.55.

- Okay. -Psst!

Book: Psst. Over here.

-Good-bye. - Bye now.

Hey, Bernie! How much is "Sex Appeal"?

Oh, about 36-28-36.

Come on.

Hi, future seducer and all-round sexy guy.

Hundreds of men like yourself

in their spare time

discovered the secrets of sex appeal.

If you follow the simple steps

outlined in this book,

you can turn your dull, drab life

into a jungle of steaming, dripping erotic pleasures.

Is that the kind of world you want?

Yeah!

Okay, okay.

First step, be cool.

Now the second step.

You need a primary base of operation,

an oasis to lure those voluptuous,

lusting, man-hungry creatures of the night.

What?

An apartment,

a bachelor pad,

a place where a man can be a real man

and a woman can be that real man's mate.

Name's Donald Cromronic,

and I'm the super of this brownstone

and writer extraordinaire.

This is my apartment, 2A.

So tell me, where you from?

- Jersey. - Jersey.

Yeah, I'm an accountant.

So tell me, you ever written anything I'd have read?

Yeah, probably. I write for all the magazines.

Oh, yeah? You mean like "People"

and the "Enquirer" and "Playboy"?

Hey, let's get something straight. I'm not a hack writer.

My articles have appeared in "Scientific America,"

"Reader's Digest." We're talking "Popular Mechanics" here.

Yeah? Is there any money in those kinds of articles?

Eh, not really.

That's why I'm also working on my novel,

you know, the Great American Novel.

Yeah.

Okay, here's the vacant one.

Ta-da!

Donald: Isn't it a honey?

The apartment goes for 800 a month.

So what I'm going to need from you

is one month in advance and two months' security.

Think you can handle that? Great.

Okay, now, there is absolutely no animals,

no pets, no wild parties,

no reconstruction without my permission,

no subletting, and most important,

you could not use this apartment as a place of business.

I think that about covers it.

You have any questions so far?

Yeah. The beer cans come with it?

Hey, that's funny.

I'm glad to see you have a sense of humor.

I like that. It's going to come in handy

when the heating and plumbing go out.

Just kidding.

Well, I looked at six other places,

and so far--

would you excuse me for a minute?

Oh, sure, sure. Go ahead.

Book: The right apartment

must have separate living room,

bedroom, kitchen, and bath.

It must have a magnificent view of the city.

And above all,

it must have privacy.

But if all you can afford is one room

with a view of a brick wall

and a nosy super next door, take it.

Hey, you've got to start somewhere.

I'll take it.

Book: The next step-- you must cut

the umbilical cord with your parents.

Leaving?!

Who's going to take care of you?!

You're not married, Tony.

You don't have a wife.

Who's going to make your favorite brownies?

Who's going to wash your sneakers?

Who's going to make your bed?

Louise, come on, now. Calm down.

Is this the thanks I get

for devoting my life to you?

You're going to get some kind of horrible disease.

Look, Mom, don't you think you're overreacting a little?

I mean, it's not like Tony's a child.

Hah!

Ma, I got to leave sometime!

Tony's right. I think it's time

he stands on his own two feet.

My baby doesn't love me anymore.

Ma-- Christina.

I'll go calm her down.

Look, if Ralph gets here,

tell him to wait, okay?

You still seeing that schmuck?

Oh, Dad.

You know, Tony,

I think you're doing the right thing,

but you sure you're telling

the old Dad everything? Huh?

Hey, I mean, young guy like you

wanting an apartment.

What have you got,

a couple of honeys on the line?

Not exactly, Dad,

but I hope so soon.

Ah, yeah, that's my boy.

Tony, you know, when I was your age,

well, let's just say that

not too many girls got past

your old dad's touch. You know what I mean?

- It's Ralph! I'll get it!

Eh, schmuck.

Tony, what I'm trying to tell you...

...I want you to feel free to come to me

with any of your problems or--

Yeah.

Yeah, if there's anything you can't handle.

You know what I mean? Okay?

Huh?

- Yeah.

Sure, Dad.

Book: Now that you've won your freedom,

the next step is to appraise your surroundings.

Put your imagination to work.

Remember, you're trying to create an atmosphere

that will make you look alive with sexuality

and make your prey weak in the knees.

Great care should go into the selection of your furnishings.

The feel should be erotic and sensual.

Warning, do not attempt any skirmishes

until you and your place

are ready for combat action.

Right. Right.

Come on, you son of a bitch!

I beg your pardon.

Do you mind?

You're her.

You're the Midnight Champagne woman.

I mean, you're the girl on the poster.

Yeah. Look, would it be too much

to ask you to let me by here?

Yeah. I mean, no, no. Sure.

Go ahead.

May I make a suggestion here?

Yeah, yeah.

Tilt the corner on the floor inward...

- Mm-hmm. - ...and put the top up.

Yeah.

Then corner it around the door frame.

This--

Wow.

How'd you know how to do that?

Just a little common sense

and the desire to get to my apartment.

- I'm Tony. I'm new here. - Yeah.

Do you live in the building?

- I'm afraid so. - Yeah?

Maybe we could get together sometime.

Yeah, maybe.

She's beautiful.

Tony! Tony!

Please, Tony, I need you.

I love you. I can't live without you, Tony.

Mm, mm, mm. Oh, Tony, won't you tell me

that we can maybe go have some time?

Oh, Tony--

Yeah, maybe.

Maybe.

He said maybe.

He said maybe!

Donald, would you like

a little advice from your agent?

Not really.

Tell me how your principles

are going to pay the $2,000 you owe in back taxes.

The IRS could care less about your moralistic standards.

They want their money, baby,

just like everybody else.

Fran, I am this close to finishing my novel.

The Great American Novel?

Donald, who in the hell wants to read

about the founding and development of the American sewer system?

You still don't think that's a good idea?

No.

Fran, I'm stymied.

I don't know what the hell to do now.

You need to make some big bucks fast.

Oh.

And how am I supposed to do that?

Sex.

Articles about who, what, where,

when, and how about sex.

That's what sells!

Write me those kinds of articles.

Screw your principles.

Okay, okay, okay.

Where do I start?

If I knew that,

I'd write them myself.

Dumb shit.

The outward appearance of your apartment

should have that respectable look

with only you knowing what lies beneath it all.

Before your first attempt at seduction,

may I suggest you try a test run?

See that everything works properly.

Remember, practice makes perfect

in more ways than one.

On your mark.

Get set.

Go!

Shit.

Yeah.

- All set.

Now what?

Now take a look at yourself.

Do you look like Burt Reynolds?

No.

-How about Robert Redford? - No.

Good. If you did, you wouldn't need this book.

Okay, now look at your hair.

It needs an expert's touch,

cut and styled to accent those strong features.

And those clothes.

What's the matter with my clothes?

They've got to go.

You want to wear clothes that are fashionable,

that will attract women, not repel them.

Ehh, and that body.

When was the last time you ran a step,

pressed some weights?

Most women like a man with a toned, muscular body.

Okay. I'll do it.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

Cut those nose hairs.

- Ralph. - Huh?

Oh, God. The steering wheel stick's

crushing my back.

Oh, those muscles of yours are so big and hard.

- Sorry. - Oh.

Look, why don't we try this?

Okay. Ralph.

Oh, God. The gearshift,

it's sticking me in the side.

Christina, I'm sorry.

Yeah, I know you are, Ralph.

Why don't we just try the backseat?

Hey, guys.

Hey, how's it hanging, Ralphie? Hi, Christina.

Want some popcorn, guys?

Have a beer, Ralph. Christina, you want one?

No, thanks.

Hope you don't mind us watching the movie with you.

-Nah. - We snuck in

and don't have anyplace to sit.

No kidding. How'd you do that?

Well, we waited until the guard was just about--

Hi, Peter.

Uh...

maybe not these either.

You got something with a little color?

Sure.

So what do you think?

Not exactly what I had in mind.

Oh!

All right, you animal.

-Now that your trap...

...is ready and baited,

it's time to stalk your prey.

-Your first conquest... - Yeah.

...should be a simple one, a woman you already know,

but have always been afraid to ask.

Pick up the phone and call her.

Invite her to your place for drinks.

If she says yes, it can only mean one thing.

- What? -Sex, dummy.

Oh. Yeah.

Yes.

Stephanie?

Stephanie.

Yes?

This is Tony.

Tony?

Yeah, Tony Cannelloni,

from the office.

Tony.

Oh, Tony, yeah.

What could I do for you, Tony?

Well, I was thinking...

Book: Do it. Do it.

- What did you say? - Tony: Nothing.

Well, well, we've worked together for over a year now,

and, well, we don't really know each other very well,

and I just thought that...

Yes, Tony?

Well, I know you're probably busy

and we'd never have time to get together for a couple drinks,

but I just thought I'd ask anyway.

I'm never too busy for you, Tony.

I'd love to.

Tony, are you there?

Y-Yeah.

I mean, you said yes.

You really said yes.

Book: See?

Amazing.

Well, I'll see you, Steph.

Aren't you forgetting something,

like where do you live?

Miss Crenshaw, would you come in here, please?

Miss Crenshaw,

I have something for you.

Well, I don't want it, Joe.

Do you remember what you promised me?

Well, let me refresh your memory, Mr. Cannelloni.

"I promise you will never have to do it

in the office again, Miss Crenshaw."

You promised to treat me like a lady.

Like, why can't you take me to a fancy hotel or something?

It's not bad enough you make me work weekends,

but you can't even keep a little promise.

Miss Crenshaw, you know I don't like hotels.

I mean, try to find someone with an apartment.

Give me a little time.

I promise, the next time we get together,

we'll have a nice little place.

So, well, don't leave me in this condition.

Please, Miss Crenshaw?

I'll give you a raise.

Okay, Joe,

but this is the last time,

and I mean it.

How much is the raise?

Review your last-minute checklist.

Music on.

Tony: Check.

- Ice bucket full?

- Check. -Clean underwear?

Yeah. Check.

♪ That sense of magic's... ♪

Who's there?

Tony, you in there?

♪ You prey on any type of... ♪

Just a minute, Christina. I'll be right there.

What's going on in there?

- Open up, will you?

What are you doing here?

What kind of welcome is that?

What's going on here, anyway,

an orgy?

This is not bad.

Oh, Tony, you know what you can use right there,

you know, is one of those sexy statues

and stuff, you know? That'd be great.

Oh, over here, Tony, you could have

some of those fancy mirrors and stuff.

Don't you got no TV?

Christina, what do you want?

Nothing. Look, I just came by

to see what my big brother was up to.

Look, Tony, the least you could have done

was invited me over to see it.

Yeah, well, now that you seen it,

Christina, it's time to go.

But I just got here.

- Christina! - What is the hurry?

I'm tired, Christina. I had a long week

at the office. I had loads of--

What are you up to, big brother?

I got it. You got a date.

Lay off, Christina.

Okay, all right. I promise.

No more questions, but look.

Don't forget to call Mom tonight, okay?

She's going sick with worry about you.

Yeah, yeah. I will, now. Bye-bye.

Ooh. I hope you score tonight, big brother!

I got to get this place ready.

Stereo.

Ah, yeah.

Oh, the bar.

I'll be right there.

♪ That sense of...

Hi.

H-hi.

Well, aren't you going to ask me in?

Yeah, sure. Come on in.

♪ Could you fall for me once again? ♪

Two at a time?

That wimp?

Nah.

Tony: Care for a drink?

Stephanie: Sure.

I'll take a vodka martini,

very dry, on the rocks, with two olives.

Yeah.

♪ Closer than you've ever been ♪

♪ My head's in the clouds

♪ I can't pretend

♪ That fear of flying's here again ♪

- ♪ Don't you know... Here--

- oh! - Oh!

I'm sorry. Oh, jeez.

- No, no damage done. - Oh, I'm sorry.

I think I'll just take this off

and let it dry a bit, though.

♪ Just keep that set of lips ♪

♪ Right in front of my eyes ♪

♪ And we'll send that fear of flying ♪

♪ To the sky

- Care to dance? - Sure.

♪ That sense of magic's here again ♪

♪ You prey on any type of friend... ♪

Hey, watch it!

Would you excuse me for a minute?

Sure.

♪ I'd say that chance is one to 10 ♪

♪ Your kisses throw me now and then ♪

♪ You're closer

- Stephanie. - ♪ Than you've ever been... ♪

Stephanie?

Tony, over here.

You want another drink?

No. Why don't you come over here, Tony?

Take your clothes off and join me.

Yeah. Sure.

Yeah.

Are you sure you don't want another drink?

No, Tony.

Why don't you just shut up and kiss me?

Man: Stephanie!

Homer?

Oh, my God!

Tony: Who are you?

I'm her husband, you nerd.

Tony: Husband?

Let me explain!

It's not what you think!

Keep out of this, asshole.

My score's with her.

So you want to mess around, huh?

You ain't getting enough at home?

Well, I'll show you, baby.

Show me what?

I'll show you what I got.

Call me "man."

If you're such a man,

what the hell am I doing here?

I'll show you, baby.

I'll show you how a real man does it.

Anyone care for a drink?

- Shut up! - Shut up!

Ah, you call that a kiss?

Come here, baby. You want a kiss?

Ooh. Now I'd call that a kiss.

- Come here. - Kiss me again.

Stephanie: Show me what else

you got, you man, you.

How's that on a scale of one to 10?

A definite 12.

Yes.

Sex.

Of course.

Sex.

A kid from...

...New Jersey

rents an apartment.

Stephanie: You macho man, you.

Yeah. He turns it into a...

...swinger's pad.

The...

the New Jersey Casanova.

Ha!

Book: Don't be disappointed

if at first you don't succeed.

Watch. Take notes.

Don't worry.

You'll be the one on that bed next time.

Yeah, next time when?

Have patience.

Do it again, my man.

Not again.

- Shut up! - Shut up!

Fran: And when the husband breaks in,

it's hysterical.

To tell you the truth, Donald,

I didn't think you had it in you.

Now, just where did you get the idea

for this New Jersey Casanova story?

Oh, well, I just came up--

Fran, this is for $4,000.

$4,000.

It's only the beginning, Donald.

Are you serious?

Now hear this.

"Playhouse" magazine wants you to do

a 10-part series entitled

"The X-rated Adventures

of the 'New Jersey Casanova.'"

Well, of course I told them

my client was too busy finishing up a novel

and couldn't possibly take on such an assignment.

They offered to double the amount per segment.

- Tell me. - I said no.

You said what?

We got triple.

Triple?

We have triple on a 10-part series?

Do you know how much mon--

triple. Waiter!

Your finest champagne. Quick!

I took the liberty of ordering earlier.

To the next 10.

To the next 10.

What? What's the matter, Donald?

Nothing. Nothing.

To the next 10.

Book: Ahem!

Under no circumstances

give your apartment key to your mother.

Christina, eat.

Ralph'll honk when he honks.

Tony, you're looking so thin.

He looks the same to me, Ma.

Haven't you been eating?

Here. Have some more of my homemade spaghetti.

All right.

Now, Tony...

who's the one that's most concerned about you?

You, Ma.

And who's the one that's most concerned

about your safety and well-being?

You, Ma.

That's right.

And that's why I think

I should have an extra key to your apartment.

Louise, don't badger the boy!

I'm not badgering him.

I'm only concerned about his health.

What if he should get sick

or have a heart attack,

or, worse yet, what if some degenerate

should break in and attack him?

How's anybody going to know?

How's anybody going to get in?

Ask the super for the key.

Shut up, Christina!

I'm worried sick.

But, Ma, the only reason I got the place

- was so I-- - Tony.

Tony.

All right, Ma.

You can have the key.

I'm going to hang it right here,

where it's going to be nice and safe.

I thought you said you had a place.

I did. This is it.

This is not what I envisioned

when you said I should see stars.

Oh!

Shoot!

Put the blanket over there.

How's this?

Great.

Let's get naked, Ralph.

Oh, Ralph,

those muscles are so sexy.

Oh, Ralph, Ralph,

can I touch your muscle?

Ralph, can I touch your muscle?

Ooh.

- Christina: What's that?

Nothing, just slapped a couple mosquitoes dead.

- Christina: Ooh.

A couple?

You meant a couple thousand, didn't you?

Oh!

Ralph, let's get out of here! Come on!

Ralph, hurry!

I can't find my keys.

Oh, Ralph!

Oh, hunky jock or no hunky jock,

you better find us a place.

Now find those keys.

Oh!

Ralph!

Ouch!

Book: Getting women to take notice of you

is always easier if you meet them on their own turf.

On your days off,

stalk the supermarket aisles,

slink through the women's clothes sections

of department stores,

and seek them out at their watering holes,

the Laundromat.

You'll be surprised at the number

of available women out there

who'd jump at an opportunity

to follow you back to your lair

for an afternoon of uncontrolled passion.

Hi.

Do I know you?

I'm your neighbor. Remember the sofa?

Name's Tony, remember?

Oh, yeah. Hi.

Excuse me.

You know, it seems like you're always in my way.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Hey, what's your name?

Corrinne.

Corrinne.

Tony! Tony!

I'm sorry. I don't remember.

What did you say your name was?

Corinne!

Ah, yes, Corinne.

Excuse me. Is this washer being used?

Yes, it is. I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.

- Hi. I'm Bunny. - Hi.

You're new around here, aren't you?

Don't tell me. You are. I can tell.

You just have that brand-new look about you.

This is my favorite machine,

number 14.

It's also my lucky number.

I'm so glad you didn't use it,

because then I'd have to use another machine,

like number five.

I used it last August

when this little old lady named Bertha

came in and used number 14,

and, well, it broke down

right in the middle of the soak cycle.

I started to cry, and I looked

all over for another machine,

but there wasn't one empty,

so I had to wait 32 minutes

for another machine to be empty,

and then I carried all my laundry,

and they were soaking, dripping

with water and soapsuds,

and I had to carry them all the way

over there to number 23.

What did you say your name was?

- Tony. Tony Can-- - I knew a Tony once.

Or was it Bony? Whichever.

He was so weird.

I fixed him tacos for dinner one night,

and he wanted to stick 'em between my...

Book: Women love to talk.

Be a patient listener.

That big mouth of hers has several other uses,

one of which should become apparent quite soon.

Right.

Hello.

Woman: Hi.

Who is this?

Is there something I can do for you?

I just wanted to hear your voice.

It's been so long.

What kind of music do you enjoy, Tony?

Who is this?

How do you know my name?

Vivaldi?

Vivaldi?

No, not me.

That's my favorite composer.

His melodies blend so well

over a candlelight dinner.

Do you enjoy French?

Yeah, French, Greek, you name it.

French cuisine, silly.

Are you from a radio show or something?

No. You're so cute, Tony.

Bye.

- Hello?

Hello?

Give me a minute.

Hi. I'm Bunny.

This is a very nice hallway you--

I thought I'd never find this place.

You know, I get lost so easy.

Come in, Bunny.

I am in.

You're funny, Tony.

You know, one time I went to visit

my aunt on my mother's side,

and I got lost for nine hours and 10 minutes.

First, I took the wrong turn.

Then of course I was following the wrong road signs.

It took me five hours to realize

that I was reading the darn road map backwards.

Two weeks. He's been there two weeks.

Can you imagine the dust balls?

They're as big as grapefruits.

And the toilet bowl.

I don't even want to think about the toilet bowl.

Boy, that place.

Christina, wish me good luck.

I'm off to do battle.

Good luck, Ma.

Come on, Tony. If you're there, pick it up.

Rats.

My aunt had called the police,

and by the time I finally arrived,

there were probably eight police cars in the driveway.

I said, "Oh, my God,

someone must have been murdered."

What a beautiful place you have here,

just like a hotel room at the MGM Grand.

And look at your little sofa.

My mother has this sofa.

It doesn't look anything like yours, though.

She has it covered in this rose-colored plastic.

In the summer, when you're all hot and sticky

from the humidity and you sit down,

you can hardly get up

because your behind sticks to it,

right through to your underwear.

Can you imagine?

- Care for a drink? - Oh, I'd love a drink.

Oh, I don't care. Anything will do.

Vodka, whiskey, scotch,

tequila, beer.

Budweiser's a good beer.

Though some say Coors is the best.

I really don't know.

Beer makes me want to go to the bathroom an awful lot.

I just can't stay seated.

And you know what they say about gin.

A couple sips of gin

makes you want to sin.

Gin it is.

Goodness, we've been standing an awful lot.

You know, they say if you stand too much,

it's not good for your veins.

Here you go.

Cheers.

I read in a medical manual once

that you can get varicose veins in your legs,

but I don't know if that's true or not.

Take joggers, for instance,

or football players.

They never seem to have varicose veins in their legs.

But then again,

I guess I just never looked close enough.

How 'bout a movie?

Oh, goody. X-rated films.

I love X-rated films.

I know this girl who used to work

in the beauty shop I go to.

She wasn't very good.

Anyway, she told me

she dated a porn star once.

I didn't believe her,

but then she convinced me.

You know what she said?

She said he was the one with the...

But when they got home,

it was only...

They must use some kind of trick photography

when they make those kind of movies.

Oh!

She's wearing panties just like mine!

See?

Same brand, even.

Isn't it a small world?

I have panties

for every one of my little moods.

Blue panties for when I feel sad.

Yellow panties for when I'm happy

and full of sunshine.

Green panties when I have

a tinge of jealousy streaking through me.

White panties when I feel pure

and innocent like a virgin.

Pink panties when I feel sexy,

and red-hot panties

when I feel red-hot.

Oh, a Murphy bed!

And I love Murphy beds!

They're so cute the way they fold up into the wall.

I just remembered

I haven't folded my laundry yet.

Later. Fold your laundry later.

Oh!

Oh, Tony.

Tony, it's me, your mother.

Oh, my God.

Shit.

Oh, good, company.

I love company.

A little dinner party.

I can make some appetizers.

I make this wonderful peanut butter

cornflake cluster. You'll love it.

Just a minute, Ma. I'll be right there.

First you take the peanut butter,

about two pounds.

Then you add a pound of melted margarine,

not butter,

then a pound of sugar,

two boxes of cornflakes.

You have to add the cornflakes...

What good is this if you're going to chain yourself in?

Extra protection, Ma.

- Louise: You think?

Ma, what are you doing here?

I'm here to clean the apartment.

What are you doing here?

I live here.

Aha!

A dust ball.

Ma, I just cleaned yesterday.

What's this?

I was just about to hang those to dry.

-With soap on 'em? - Yeah, yeah.

Ma, you can't clean today.

Why not?

Uh...

You don't even hang up your phone?

What kind of slob did I raise, anyway?

Hello. Yeah, he's--

Christina, is that you?

Since when did you start calling

your brother in the afternoon?

Ah, just to say hi.

Isn't that nice?

Christina called just to say hi.

Isn't that nice, Tony?

Yeah, that's nice, Ma.

I'll see you in a little while, honey.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Ma, you can't clean today.

- Why not? - Uh...

I got a business meeting here.

- On Saturday? -Yeah.

What's that sound?

I don't hear any noise, Ma.

Sounds like somebody mumbling a dinner menu.

Oh, that? That's the super.

He's watching soap operas.

He loves them. He's always watching them.

Doesn't sound like any of my soaps.

Ma, this meeting's important.

They're going to be here any minute,

and I got to get ready!

And I'm not important!

Of course you are, Ma!

I come all the way into Manhattan,

take my life in my hands

to clean my son's apartment,

and what do I get?

I'll tell you what I get. I get a broken heart.

Ma!

You don't care if my heart's broken.

You bum!

All right, clean. Clean!

I can't clean now! I'm too upset!

If you don't hear from me in an hour,

it means I'm mugged!

- Ma.

- Jeez.

- Oh, jeez. -Now I can't think about that yet.

Let me see. Oh, we need a vegetable.

Chicken Parmesan

with bubbling tomato sauce,

and for dessert,

Boston cream pie.

God, what's happened?

I can't hear.

I'm going deaf.

What's happening to me?!

Book: Now that you've succeeded in your first conquest--

But I didn't.

You didn't? Really?

Really.

Let's review chapters one through five

-once again slowly. - Okay, okay.

What a lucky son of a bitch.

Miss Crenshaw,

could you come in here, please?

Miss Crenshaw, I have something for you.

- No. - What?

No, and that's final.

When you get us a fancy hotel room,

maybe I'll think about it,

and maybe I won't.

Oh, and about that thing you called a raise,

keep it, you tightwad.

Come on, Ralph. Don't your parents ever go out?

Oh, Ralph, what are we going to do?

Ralph.

Book: Hunger and lust

are the two most important elements

to man's and woman's survival.

Often, the female's appetite

must be satisfied before she can become

that wildly lustful animal you want her to be.

You can always tell how sexual a woman will be

by the way she eats.

The heartier her desires for food,

the more insatiable

her needs for orgasmic fulfillment.

And from the Hollywood Hotline

comes this exclusive tidbit.

"Playhouse" magazine's sizzling new serial

entitled "The X-rated Adventures

of a 'New Jersey Casanova,'" is creating

quite a stir amongst the majors.

Closed bids for the film rights to the sexual saga

are at this very moment being looked at

by "Playhouse" executives.

This reporter wonders whether this material

might be a little too hot for Tinseltown.

And who is this New Jersey Casanova?

Is he for real?

And if he is and he's watching,

I'm in the phone book.

That'll be 36.80.

Sounds like that ought to make some movie, huh?

Smut, nothing but smut.

Book: All set?

- Think so. -Good.

- Yeah. -Now be sure to watch

for those telltale signs,

that sly smile, the subtle compliments,

and that erotic giggle.

Yeah.

Oh, jeez.

-♪ You prey - Okay.

♪ On any type of friend

♪ Could you fall for me once again? ♪

How you doing, Monica?

Ah, not so good today.

I'm really beat.

Sorry to hear that.

Why don't you come on in?

Maybe I can fix you up.

Yeah.

♪ You're closer than you've ever been ♪

♪ My head's in the clouds ♪

♪ I can't pretend

♪ That fear of flying's here again ♪

Wonder what he's up to.

-Pardon? - Nothing.

♪ Don't you know that...

Can I take your fur?

Oh, no, I don't think so.

It's a little chilly in here.

I'll turn the thermostat up.

That ought to heat you right up.

Not over 72 degrees, please.

72 it is.

♪ And we'll send that fear of flying ♪

♪ To the sky

Oh, no support.

Bad for the back.

Well, I just bought this the other day.

It's really kind of nice.

You don't mind, do you?

Not at all.

♪ That sense of magic's here again... ♪

Champagne?

Oh, no, thank you.

Do you have ginger?

Yeah. Sure.

♪ Once again...

There you go.

Well, I guess this glass will do.

Cheers.

♪ Now and then

♪ You're closer...

Monica, you look beautiful tonight.

I know.

So, care to dance?

Eh, no, not really.

I'm not in the mood.

Well, we might as well get right to eating, then, huh?

- What do you say?

Monica: If you want.

Are you sure I can't take your fur?

Oh, I'm sure.

♪ Don't you know you got me through it once before? ♪

♪ Just keep that set of lips ♪

♪ Right here in front of my eyes ♪

♪ We'll send that fear of flying ♪

♪ To the sky

♪ Don't you know that...

Oh, aren't you going to join me?

Yeah, sure.

♪ Don't you know you got me through it ♪

♪ Through it once before?

♪ Just keep that set of lips ♪

Okay.

♪ Right here in front of my eyes... ♪

Uses up too much oxygen.

♪ To the sky.

Oh. Start right eating, then, huh?

We'll start with my specialty,

shrimp cocktail.

I make the sauce from an old family recipe.

You're going to love it.

Oh, shrimp cocktail.

I can't, Tony.

It's just loaded with cholesterol.

Sorry.

Guess I wasn't thinking.

Oh, that's okay.

Well, we'll move right on to the salad, then, huh?

What kind of dressing would you like?

I have spicy Italian, blue cheese,

Thousand Island.

Nothing. I'm on a diet.

Italian for me.

Nothing for Monica.

Oh.

That's...

endive.

And you don't eat endive.

I don't eat endive.

We'll move right to the entree, then.

I'm sure you're going to like this.

It's...

it's raw.

It's supposed to be.

It's steak tartare.

Maybe you got a couple of hot dogs

and some ketchup?

Monica, may I ask you something?

Sure. What is it?

Monica, you accept an invitation from me

to come to my apartment for dinner.

You walk in here complaining how tired you are.

You won't take off your fur because it's too chilly.

You don't want champagne. You're not in the mood to dance.

The appetizer's oozing cholesterol.

You hate the salad. The entree's too raw.

Then you ask-- then you ask me

for a couple of hot dogs with ketchup.

What's the matter with you, Monica?

Don't you like anything?!

Yes.

Well, what do you like?

Well...

...I like to...

W-What did you say?

You heard me.

No, I didn't. What did you say?

Well, there's only one little problem.

What? What's the problem?

I scream.

Tony: That's all right. I don't mind.

You don't mind what?

Oh, I'd like you to kiss my neck...

- Oh, yeah, yeah. - ...right here.

Ooh.

Boy, now two inches down.

Sure. Sure.

Oh. Oh.

And one inch over.

Yeah.

Oh. Ooh.

Now, can you kiss my ear?

Oh, you bet.

Oh, yes.

Now kiss my other ear.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

- Baby kisses. - Baby, baby, baby.

Yes, yes.

Now I want you to--

I want you to kiss it.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, yes.

Now I want you

to kiss and lick this one.

Yes, now I want you to kiss

and lick this one.

Oh. Oh.

Yes. Oh.

Now I want you to kiss it

and then lick it.

Kiss it again.

- No, baby kisses. - Baby, baby.

Baby kisses. Oh!

Oh! Yes!

Oh! Hi.

I want it.

Yeah, I do too.

Yes.

Monica.

Oh, Tony!

Oh, I saw God.

Tony!

Yeah!

The New Jersey Casanova had her where he wanted her.

- Yeah.

Her shrieks

filled the room in orgasmic delight.

Oh, yes.

He sighed. She bellowed.

They sighed and bellowed five times.

Oh! Oh!

And any mortal man might have called it a day,

but not the New Jersey Casanova.

- Hello.

Tony, this is your mother.

Do you remember me?

I'm the one who brought you into this world.

Yeah, hi, Ma. What do you want?

What do I want?

I want my son's love.

You never call me anymore.

Ma, I just called you this morning.

- Tony, that was a long time ago.

Tony, what is that shrieking?

It's a wild animal show

about the mating habits of the female bingo.

Bingo?

Tony, I'm worried about you.

You're spending too much time by yourself.

- Yeah, you're right, Ma. -I am?

What channel is that animal show on?

It's a cassette, Ma.

I'll loan it to you sometime.

Listen, I got to go.

I'll call you later, all right? Bye.

Look at her.

Book: Always be considerate

of your sexual partner.

It's your duty to help her reach an orgasm too.

What about me, huh?

Oh, Tony.

Oh!

See you later, Mom.

Christina, don't be late for dinner.

I won't, Mom.

- Hi. - Hi, hon.

Oh, Joe, turn that.

Maggie Mason's my favorite.

Hmm.

My Hollywood spy reports

that Mark Eubell, famous low-budget

sexploitation film producer, is the winner

in the "Playhouse" New Jersey Casanova bidding war.

It is said he is about to ink

a big deal with author Donald Cromronic

to bring the now infamous Casanova stories

to the big screen.

Asked if the movie will carry an X,

Mr. Eubell said, "They'll have to redefine X

when I'm through."

Who wants to watch trash like that?

So what's for dinner?

Food.

Can I help you?

I think you're the one that needs the help.

Yeah, I guess I do.

Anyway, I'm quite capable

of handling it myself. Thank you very much.

I only meant to...

♪ Won't you stay?

Oh, Tony, I'm sorry if any champagne

splashed you at the restaurant.

I love you so. I'll do anything for you.

I dream of cooking your meals,

of washing your clothes,

of carrying your groceries,

of darning your socks.

I don't have holes in my socks,

and I'm quite capable

of handling the rest myself, thank you.

Oh, Tony, just one kiss.

Tony, Tony, please.

Very well, if you insist.

You have reached the residence

of Anthony Cannelloni.

All lines are busy at the moment.

Please leave your message after the signal.

I love ya.

Hello. Hello.

Woman: Hi, Anthony.

Remember me?

Yeah. How you doing?

Oh, fine.

A little lonely.

Wouldn't it be lovely

to take a long walk on the beach tonight?

Sure.

There'll be a full moon.

I could bring a bottle of wine.

Chilled white wine.

Oh, and our toes curling in the sand.

Yeah, that would be great.

I could bring a blanket too.

Oh, we don't need a blanket.

We'll have the waves to caress our naked bodies.

Oh, yeah.

I'd like that a lot.

Thank you, Anthony.

I feel much better now.

Have a nice evening.

- Oh, hey.

- Oh, don't hang up.

Damn.

The only thing I like

about your father working late

is the fact that I can have the TV set on during dinner.

But, Ma, he never works late.

So I'll enjoy it this once.

He said something about an out-of-town customer

or something--

oh!

Hey, hey, Ma, that's my super.

Host: Mr. Cromronic--

may I call you Donald?

- Oh, yeah, sure.

Tell us, Donald, are you

and the New Jersey Casanova one and the same?

- Come on.

Come on, Donald. Everyone's dying to know

if your now famous character

is fact or fiction.

Well, I'll never tell.

- Who cares?

Ma, the guy's a celebrity!

I'll get it.

Hello.

Tony? Hi. It's Christina.

Yeah, could you do me a favor and tell Mom

I'm not going to be home for dinner tonight?

Yeah, I'm going out with Ralph.

Okay, thanks a lot, big brother.

Coast is clear. Come on.

Oh, Jesus. Drive on!

Now what's the matter?

It's my daughter and that schmuck Ralph.

- So? - So they're headed to the apartment.

Of all the nerve.

Asking me out

when I'm not even getting paid.

I canceled my nail appointment for this?

Take me home, please,

the same address we just came from.

Who is this?

Who cares? I need new characters anyway.

Man: Mr. Smith,

this is Le Sex Shoppe.

Your order is ready to pick up now.

- Hi. This is Sherry.

The only time I can make it this month

is 9:00 tonight.

I'll see you then. Bye.

Damn. Ralph, it's 8:30.

We got to get out of here.

Tony's going to be back any minute. Come on.

- But, Christina-- - Let's go, Ralph. Come on.

Sorry, Ma. Something's come up.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Hah. Call me tomorrow. That'll be the day.

Please leave your message after the signal.

- I love ya.

This is Sherry again.

On second thought, drop dead.

Book: Don't feel guilty about taking a day off.

Singles bars at night are a zoo,

too much competition.

In the daytime, you'll have your pick of the litter.

This isn't the time for beating around the bush.

Use that direct approach.

Show 'em what you're made of.

Hi. I'm Tony.

I was admiring you from afar,

and I was wondering if...

maybe you might like to come over to my apartment

for a little romantic rendezvous.

Bug off, creep.

Yeah, right.

Are you sure no one's going to be here this time?

Yeah! Tony's at work, and Christina's at school.

Well, this is nicer than a hotel, Joe.

Yeah.

And there's the bed.

- Yeah, the bed.

Book: If the direct approach doesn't work,

try the hurt and innocent role.

Many women love to play mother.

Excuse me.

Do you have a handkerchief?

Sure.

What's the matter?

Did somebody die or something?

No, it's worse than that.

Nobody loves me.

Oh, don't say that.

There's got to be somebody in this world who loves you.

Nobody.

Oh, you poor baby.

Why don't you buy mama a piña colada

and tell her all about it?

All right.

Bartender, two piñas.

You said he was going to be busy all night.

Shh. Quiet. Quiet.

Come on.

Here you go. Here's that.

No. Go there.

Shh. Shh, shh.

Whoo!

Mm. Mm.

Ralph, a Murphy bed.

Murphy who?

Never mind, Ralph.

Come on. Come on.

Here.

Ooh.

Oh, Ralph.

Alone at last, privacy.

So I get off work early,

buy her a dozen red roses,

her favorite perfume,

and a box of chocolate-covered cherries,

and she was--

Oh, go on, sugar.

Get it all out.

I come home to our little love nest

to surprise her,

and she was there--

Go on. Go on.

She was showing off her ankle bracelets

to two sailors.

Oh, poor baby.

I know just what you need.

You need a woman to take you home

and comfort you.

- Yeah, now. - Oh, no, I can't.

I'm here with my girlfriend.

Unless you don't mind her joining us.

You mean a threesome?

No, a ménage à trois.

Oh, all right. Where is she?

Sheila. Sheila.

Come here.

Let's go.

Oh, Ralph, those pecs.

Christina: You're not only sexy, but you got talent.

Oh, my God. Ralph, grab our clothes.

Here. No.

No. Come on.

Go.

Hmm, not bad, Sheila.

Think it'll do, Sheila?

It'll do fine.

Yeah? Yeah, you like it?

Tony: Ooh, check this out.

This is my great bar.

-I got everything. - Great.

Great. I didn't miss a thing.

All right, we got time for that later.

-Let's get some... - Okay.

Look at this. Look at this.

Check this out.

This is my stereo system.

I put it in myself. See?

Got a little accent here. You like that?

Yes, great.

Is Tony Cannelloni about?

No. He called in sick today.

Sick? Can I use your phone?

Use the one on Tony's desk.

-I'll get it.

We don't want any disturbances, Tony, darling.

Hit it, Sheila.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Something wrong?

It was ringing nicely,

and then-- I don't know.

Thank you for letting me use the phone.

Sure.

I think there's been some mistake.

There's no mistake.

Uh...

hey, how 'bout a drink? Yeah.

Oh, my God.

This is positively kinky.

Taxi! Taxi!

Isn't he cute?

I love guys that wear bracelets.

M-my money's in my wallet.

It's in my back pocket.

It's not your money we're interested in.

It's not?

We're interested in you.

Are you ready, Sheila?

Yeah.

One, two, three.

I want to watch.

Oh, God, this is the best stuff yet.

Ah, Hollywood, look out.

Here comes Donald Cromronic.

Wild sex, wild situations,

wild girls, wild rice.

Everything is wild.

Let's get to work.

- Work on what? - You.

Take these off me.

I don't want to play your games anymore.

You mean you dragged us all the way out here to tease us,

and now you don't want to play anymore?

I wasn't teasing you.

Ooh. That makes me mad.

Watch this, Sheila.

No. No.

I hate when that happens.

Stop! Stop!

Stop.

Boy, big brother had me fooled.

The two ladies in question...

...got a little out of hand.

So you're going to be uncooperative, huh?

Oh.

All for you.

Why, thank you.

Oh, so beautiful.

Bombs away.

Oh, no.

Sheila.

Ooh!

Such beautiful statues I've never seen.

Aww.

Don't break that!

- One, two, - One, two,

- three! - three!

The cleaning bill.

My God, he's going to wreck that apartment,

but who cares?

After all, he's the New Jersey...

Casa...

nova.

Look at this.

That is beautiful.

What do you think?

After you.

Thank you.

Ooh.

Good job.

Darn, I forgot my key.

Tony: Cut it out!

-But I'm playing. - Super.

- Oops!

Good job.

- Hello?

Bombs away!

Ooh.

Tony!

Who are you?

I'm his mother.

Oh, my God!

- Oh, no. It's just fine. - Oh!

There's really nothing really happening.

- Who are you calling? - The police.

No, you're not.

Oh, yes, I am.

Hello, police!

What do you want me to do?

We want you to play gas station.

- Station? - Yeah.

We play the cars, and you play the pump.

Like, you know, you service us,

fill us up.

You want leaded or unleaded?

He's a regular comedian, Sheil.

Tony, Mommy's coming!

Now put the nozzle in.

And pump.

- What are you doing?!

- Give me that ax!

What, are you crazy? Stop it!

All right, buddy, freeze!

- Leave that lady alone. - No--

- Hands up. Cuff him. - Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. You don't understand.

You don't under--

- Oh, my baby. - Let me do it.

They're killing my baby.

- Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. You don't understand what's going--

- my life! My story! - Handle this!

Let me just explain to you-- wait a minute.

Wait, Tony!

Hey, Rhonda, we got company.

Oh, my God.

Hands up.

Don't shoot. Don't shoot.

Dad!

Joseph?

Where the hell is the fire?

Fire?! Where's the fire?!

Christina!

Christina!

You can't! You can't!

They'll find out who he is!

I won't let you have him!

They'll never know who he is!

Who is he?

Who is he?

He's the New Jersey Casanova!

Me?

Oops.

The New Jersey Casanova?

- Whoa. Wait. Wait.

Ma!

If you've reached this last page

and still don't have sex appeal,

don't despair.

You still have several other options.

Like what?

Perhaps the priesthood is more to your calling,

or maybe you should visit

your friendly neighborhood gay bar.

Thanks a lot.

You have reached the residence

of Anthony Cannelloni.

All lines are busy at the moment.

Woman: Tony? Tony, you there?

Hi.

You sound blue.

Try dark black.

That bad, huh?

Sounds like you could use some cheering up.

I don't think that's possible.

Well, maybe I could come over and--

Look, why don't you just call someone else?

I'm just not in the mood

to be teased anymore.

I'm not teasing, Tony.

You're not?

Uh-uh. I'll be right over.

But--

Look at this place.

I'll never be able to get it fixed up in time.

Oh, what's the use?

She won't come anyway.

♪ Corinne, my love

Oh, Tony, please.

♪ Corinne, my love...

I'm sorry. I was expecting somebody else.

Me.

You mean you've been the girl

on the phone all--

Shh.

♪ I'll be waiting

♪ Right behind you

♪ When I find you

♪ Won't you stay?

Book: See? I told you so.

Patience. Patience.

Like I always say,

whenever I go--

♪ You prey on any type of friend ♪

♪ Could you fall for me once again? ♪

♪ I'd say the chance is one to 10 ♪

♪ Your kisses throw me now and then ♪

♪ You're closer than you've ever been ♪

♪ My head's in the clouds

♪ I can't pretend

♪ That fear of flying's here again ♪

♪ Don't you know

♪ That you're flying, dear, once more? ♪

♪ Don't you know you got me through it once before? ♪