Original subtitles

You're the cutest.

No, you're the cutest.

No, you're the cutest.

No, you're the cutest.

No, you're the cutest.

Okay enough.

You're the cutest.

Get a room.

Can we use your office again?

No, too cramped in there, remember?

Oh yeah.

What?

Oh, Rose again?

Harry, does Rose like me?

She totally likes you.

Don't say anything, but she seems a bit

jealous of the time we spend together.

Which comes off as a little...

Bitchy?

So does tipping ten percent, doctor.

Let me guess.

Rose again.

Okay, good-bye, handsome.

Hey.

Don't say anything, but Laila thinks

you're a bit jealous...

Me?

Jealous?

Of you and Laila?

Ha. You're my sperm donor.

No, I know.

I told her you're not bitchy.

She thinks I'm a bitch?

No-no.

Bitch-y,

bitch-y.

Not a bitch.

Bitch?!

Oh. Oh.

Did you just key my car?

Where are you?

Is that Laila?

Oh, boy.

Yes.

I did scratch this car.

I had no idea it was yours.

It was an accident.

You accidentally yelled "bitch" and

then keyed my car?

Tell her you're not jealous,

tell her you're not jealous!

So glad you understand.

Nice car.

Bitchin'.

Synced and corrected by Mastermonger. www.addic7ed.com

Mild salsa?

No, I can't celebrate father's day with this.

Father's day's all about zing.

Not going to happen.

Oh, hot salsa is happening.

Harry, father's day is my time with Billy.

It's a tradition.

That was before I came along.

Now I can take over.

You're welcome.

I'm not losing this to our anonymous sperm donor.

What part of "father's day is mine" do you not understand?

The father part.

Father's day is like Christmas to Michelle.

Fine.

Then I can have Christmas.

But Christmas is my Halloween.

Okay, if you give me this then you can have

half of St. Patrick's day, and all of black history month.

No.

I'm keeping father's day.

You can have groundhog day.

But groundhog day is my new year's.

What am I supposed to do for father's day then?

This is the official agenda of our co-father's day

this Sunday.

Honoured guests: Jonathan and Harry?

Well at least someone wants to give me

a father's day.

And I got us matching father's day t-shirts.

I'm with my princess?

Oh, my two gay dads.

It'll work better with Ana between us.

I'm not wearing this.

But it's such a good example of

proper apostrophe usage.

Fine.

You don't have to join us.

It's father's day.

It's not daughter's day.

If Anastasia doesn't want to come,

I'll simply call up the gentleman

at laser tag and tell him we're no longer a

party of three.

So, you and I are still going to go?

Don't answer!

It's probably Stacey.

Why hello?

No, I don't need a long distance plan.

Nobody does.

What year are you calling from?

Whoa.

You seem stressed.

I have to intercept a stupid call from my

stupid school.

They think I broke into the stupid teacher's lounge

and stole a stupid history exam.

Did you?

That's in the past Harry.

Nobody cares about the past.

You keyed Harry's girlfriend's car.

It was an accident.

And then you called her a bitch.

So badass.

No, I didn't call her a bitch,

I just happened to say "bitch!"...

Idiot.

Not you. Me.

Also, you are not a bitch.

I rarely say bitch.

Just when I'm quoting.

Like when one reads Huck Finn and says...

Please stop.

Look, I called you "a little bitchy",

which was a little bitchy.

Maybe I'm a bit jealous of your relationship

with Harry.

Jealous of me and Harry?

We've never even kissed.

Okay, so I gave birth to his kid.

But only once.

So why don't you come hang with us.

It's movie night.

I don't want to be a third wheel.

We'll be a wheelbarrow.

A wheelbarrow only has one wheel.

Hey sweety, thank you for

the coffee...

it's for Harry.

Two creams and six sugars...

just how you like it.

Happy father's day week!

Thank you, my boy.

Father's day week?

Yes.

We need a whole week to celebrate

my fatherishness.

Whoa, we agreed that I get father's day.

Father's day may be your Christmas.

But father's day week is my hanukkah.

Father-nukkah.

You're not Jewish.

And you're not a father.

There will be many, many gifts for Harry.

I need money, mom.

And I need to bake a cake...

Billy, focus.

It's the third day of father-nukkah:

Spa day.

Cucumber slices coming right up.

Oh you know what, throw a few slices

on some bread too.

I don't know, I'm feelin' snacky.

Come on.

You have mother's week.

I have mother's day.

Half of mother's day.

I share a card with Zoey.

Oh I know what's going on here.

Who told you?

Someone is waiting for a boy to call.

Yes.

A boy.

I gave a boy our landline number to telephone me.

Cause that's what teenagers do.

A mother knows.

I have got butterflies.

I'll give you the room.

Hello.

Hello, I'm looking for Mr. or Mrs. Colborne.

This is Mrs. Colborne. Janet. Me.

It's about your daughter Anastasia.

Yes.

I knew you'd be calling.

Oh you did?

How?

I'm a child psychologist.

I'm really proud of that fact,

and mention it a lot.

I'm calling because there may have been a mix up-

Yes, a mix up.

My daughter did not steal that history exam.

So please do not call again.

Um, I'm calling from Chryobank.

The sperm bank?

Uh, yes.

It's about your donor, XC-3000.

There might have been a bit of a labeling error

that we may have discovered

due to a court ordered audit...

Your daughter, Anastasia might be

the product of a different sperm donor.

Wait.

Harry might not be my dad?

There is no way blood would spray

out of a horizontal laceration like that.

It's so unrealistic.

It's a zombie apocalypse, and that's what

you find unrealistic?

She over-hinks everything.

This is great.

Just the three of us.

Terrifying.

When the...

Per-someone kills...

Maims the?

Whoa.

Scary.

Yeah, no, this is intense.

I gotta check on Charlie.

This is great.

I'm so glad we're doing this.

See, I'm not jealous.

Come on!

You can't actually pull out someone's

lungs like that!

You are so cute.

Outrageous.

I had to learn about a sperm mix-up from

my daughter?

Wait.

Are we even sure she's my mother?

Yes.

She gave birth to you.

You had the birds and the bees talk with her?

In one ear and out the other.

That's not how sex works, mom.

Look, a simple DNA test will determine whether

XC-3000 was in fact your donor.

We specifically used a sperm bank to avoid

having a sticky situation on our hands.

Just look over the consent form,

sign the part where you

release us of any wrongdoing,

and then free of charge,

you'll get the results.

I'm so cold.

You're in shock, dear.

Okay.

Oh, by the way, I stole a history exam

and I'm in trouble at school.

Anastasia, we're dealing with

something serious right now.

Yup.

That seems unimportant, I agree.

You realize your gross incompetence could mean

no more Harry in our lives?

Of course, these things do happen.

Has anyone else been affected?

No. No-no-no.

Isolated incident.

We run a tight ship here.

Dr. Merrick, your ten o'clock's here.

What are they doing here?

Maybe a few other people who used our clinic

between 1993 and 2010 were affected.

Maybe.

There's a chance you might not be

Billy's father.

How low will you stoop to get father's day?

Harry, there may have been a mix up at the sperm bank.

Oh my God.

No way.

Of course Billy's my son.

We have the same hair, same winning smile,

same inny belly button.

The sperm bank is doing DNA tests to find out

if you're his father.

Harry might not be my dad?

Whoa, whoa, hey bud, come here.

Even if I'm not your dad, which I am,

nothing will change.

It just might mean you have some other amazing dad,

since you're so amazing yourself.

You mean...

My real dad could be an astronaut?

Sure.

But no worries, I'm your dad...

I bet he'd take us on the space shuttle.

We'd get to wear spacesuits!

No, I just meant...

but the slightest puncture in the suit would mean

instant death in the vacuum of space.

I want you to be my dad.

I am your dad.

I don't think we should get the results.

Yeah.

Billy, as far as we will ever know,

Harry is your dad.

I'm ripping up the consent form.

Hey.

Hey, did you hear the good news?

The sperm kids may not be Harry's.

Yeah, I heard.

We're having drink specials to celebrate.

No, I'm just here to pass off Charlie to Harry.

If Harry isn't too busy holding hands with Laila?

I'm not jealous.

Wait, Harry still has to take care of that even if

it's not his thing?

Yes.

The sperm bank mix-up didn't affect me and Charlie.

Harry's his father.

Right, cause this little poster boy for the

Aryan race looks just like Harry.

I've never questioned that Charlie is Harry's son.

I got a DNA test after he was born.

Rose!

Laila!

Irene!

Oh, I'm doing great thanks!

It's so good to see you.

So great.

Harry with you?

He's caught up with the sperm bank craziness.

I'm sure you understand, you guys share that bond.

Huh.

And a baby.

Rose, if you found the perfect guy,

who loved kids, would you be

interested in a relationship?

Sure?

Cause I, I mean why not,

there's no reason...

I'm not hung up on anyone else, so.

I know just the guy.

I'll set it up.

I think it's meant to be.

Super, just super.

Life is beautiful.

Who am I going to celebrate

father's day with if you're not

Anastasia's father?

Your daughter.

Hey, whoa whoa.

I am confident I got your wife pregnant.

I hope that's true, Harry.

I do.

Harry you'll always be my fake dad no matter what

some stupid test says.

Get real.

Would you and your mom hang out

if you weren't family?

Do I need to answer that in front of her?

Ana's right.

Nothing will change.

When I was a kid my mom had this awesome boyfriend.

We were super close and when they broke up,

we swore nothing would change between him and I...

See, dad.

I never saw Fred again.

Or was it Ed?

Oh no.

Oh no.

Oh no.

Goodbye dear, dear friend.

I don't want only one dad.

Well, I suppose we don't need to find out

the results of the paternity test.

We'll just always know in our hearts that

Harry isn't really part of the family.

You know, Zoey and Michelle ripped up

their consent form.

Fine.

We don't ever have to set foot inside that

sperm bank again.

I'll need a new consent form.

Absolutely.

And your DNA results for Anastasia should be

ready in about an hour.

It's just when I look into my daughter's eyes,

I need to know it's Harry staring back at me.

That's what you said, right?

We both need to be comfortable with

the decision, Jonathan.

Well then maybe we shouldn't...

We're getting the results.

We're going to get the results.

Nobody could blame us for wanting to know the truth.

Absolutely.

There's nothing wrong with what we're doing.

Absolutely.

Even though we told Harry and our kids

we wouldn't find out.

I don't know, Mich...

Oh it's too late to back out now, babe.

You said one hour?

I did.

Rose Mabely?

Let me help you...

Sure, want to come on an awkward blind date?

Especially awkward because I have feelings

for someone else.

Oh God.

Rose, get it together.

This could be great, right?

I could be meeting my future husband.

I meant help you to your table.

Your future husband is over there.

Harry?

You on a date too?

I'm meeting Laila.

Weird, cause Laila told me to come here

to meet someone.

Weird.

She said she had a surprise for me.

She said she knew the perfect guy for me.

Oh God.

Your girlfriend is setting us up.

What?

She said you and I share a special bond.

That it's meant to be.

Laila thinks we should be together.

Why would she...?

You don't think that, do you?

Harry I am jealous of you and Laila.

And I think it's because I like you.

Like, like you.

Like, want to kiss you, like you.

Say something, Harry.

Hey guys, so sorry we're late.

Rose, this is Ted.

Your date.

Surprise.

We're having a couple's brunch.

Why don't they have us at a table for four?

Hi, Ted.

Hi.

So, what are you going to get?

Hm... oh, um...

I'm not sure.

I think I'm going to get the steak and eggs.

Let me get this straight.

You want steak now?

You could've had steak anytime!

But you always wanted someone else...

Something else.

I'm sure there's enough steak for everyone.

Yeah.

What's your beef with Rose and steak?

Yes, I want steak.

There, I'm not afraid to say it.

You know what, I don't even want to

talk about steak anymore.

I'm not feeling well.

My stomach hurts.

Upper or lower abdomen?

Ted's a G.I. Specialist.

Gee I, don't want to brag.

Great.

Now this too?

It's Anastasia and Billy.

I got to go.

Okay.

Know what, I'm going to get

the steak too.

The chance to eat a good t-bone is so... rare.

Who's your daddy's?

I have the DNA results right here.

And the envelope please...

You said you weren't doing the DNA test.

You lied.

How did you know that we were here?

The clinic called to confirm your appointment.

I pretended to be you.

"I'm Janet."

"I'm smarter and better than you."

It's uncanny.

Honest mistake.

Billy, I'm sorry.

We were just trying to protect you.

The results are...

Whoa whoa whoa, don't read that yet!

I'm XC-3000.

Whatever that envelope says,

I'm going to love you both no matter what.

You'll let me be part of your life, right,

even if we don't share DNA?

Yes of course...

Yeah.

I'm not a jerk.

Hey, look, I think the important thing to

remember is that you all continue to love each other

no matter what and that you've waived the right

to litigation.

Harry.

Rose?

We need to talk.

Well...

Hey everyone.

Hi!

Ana tweeted that she was coming here.

Yeah, but hashtag private.

Ah, I'm going to do this, ok.

Ah...

Interesting...

Okay...

These are not your results.

Ughhhh.

I'm just gonna need a few...

Is there somewhere we can talk?

Ya, I think he's gotta...

Look, about what I said at the restaurant...

I know, my timing's not great...

Not great?

No.

Terrible.

You decide to tell me you like me when I'm in

the first real relationship of my life.

It's not fair, cause I liked you first.

No, I liked you first!

No, I did.

Oh please.

I subconsciously chose you as my anonymous

sperm donor after meeting you.

Fine!

But I liked you most recently.

Fine!

Okay, well, I'm with someone now.

I've moved on...

I've moved on too.

Since brunch?

Yes.

So we're good then?

Absolutely.

Alright, fine.

Whoa.

Whoa.

You got a girl?

I only got magazines.

Should we find out if you're the father?

XC-3000 you may already be a winner.

So, with your spermission...

Oh please, oh please...

Billy's donor is...

XC-3000.

That's my boy! See?

Told ya, buddy.

Anastasia's donor is - drrrr...

Now I know how they feel at the Oscars...

XC-3000.

Coupla buds.

Coupla tight buds.

Dakota's donor is...

XC-3000.

Hurray!

What?

Who's Dakota?

Um.

This information is confidential.

Never mind.

I have another kid?

Happy father-nukkah!

Synced and corrected by Mastermonger. www.addic7ed.com