Original subtitles

I don't know what to look for.

Let me see your ear to compare.

It's very waxy.

Okay.

I'm afraid Charlie has an earache.

He pulled his ear.

He pulled his ear once.

Charlie is fine.

Yesterday you thought he had a hangnail.

Rose, he barely has nails!

Call telehealth for me.

I need reassurance.

We call way too often.

Why don't you call Charlie's doctor?

Haven't found a good one yet.

And we don't call too often.

That's silly.

Hi...

Yes, this is Rose.

I didn't realize you had caller ID...

Oh, you don't.

Told you so.

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I got an email from Jonathan.

He and Janet would love to have us over

for dinner and drinks on Saturday?

Hey, I wasn't invited.

Not that I'd go.

Think I could go as your plus one?

It's been ages?

They miss us?

Aw, that's sweet.

It's not sweet...

It's a mistake.

They don't specifically mention our names.

This invitation is not for us.

I don't know.

It has been ages.

Yeah, maybe they're trying to have a

family type dinner with you two.

We are not a family.

Tell that to Billy.

He worships his big sister.

And Anastasia loves him.

See?

That proves they're not "real" siblings.

Real siblings don't get along.

Babe, you are naïve to think that they

meant to invite us.

We don't even have anything in common.

Yeah maybe you're right.

We are different: straight, gay;

conservative, liberal...

Jerks, not jerks.

Well what do we do?

We have to write them back.

No, no, no, no.

Give it some time.

They'll realize their mistake and

take back their invite.

Smart.

This is in my wheelhouse.

I'm the master of break-ups.

You're talking to the inventor

of lupenzia.

It's this fake disease I contract

when I want a no hassle break-up.

The disease you contracted when

I asked you to help mow the lawn?

Oh that time I had it for real.

Hey, mom!

Dad!

So wondering...

Would it be cool if my grounding

ended Friday?

There's this awesome party Saturday and I...

Sure.

Nope.

C'mon.

There are these cool mean girls

I really want to be friends with...

Absolutely not.

Argh! You guys are so mean!

And not cool mean.

Just regular mean.

Uh oh.

Uh oh what?

You know that dinner invitation

I sent to Michael and sidra***?

I may have sent it to Michelle and Zoey,

by mistake.

We can't have them over.

We have nothing in common.

What are we going to talk about

all night? Harry's sperm?

Well to be fair, we have been

spending more time with them recently...

Not one-on-one.

Dear God.

What do those people even eat?

To be clear, are you being racist,

classist, or homophobic?

Doesn't work. Doesn't work.

It works!

We finally have a pediatrician!

Dr. Laila lin.

Laila?

Do not hit on our doctor.

Hi everyone, I'm Dr. lin.

And this must be my new pal, Charlie.

You're right!

You are a quick one.

Hi, I'm Harry.

So you're a doctor, doctor?

Child prodigy?

Finish university at 13?

No, I just look young.

Super.

I'm so glad to finally meet our

new doctor.

Not new, as in recently born.

New, as in new to us.

You're great.

Could Harry and I just have a second?

Sure.

Of course.

I want a doctor with experience.

And a driver's license.

Young people can be good at their jobs.

Look at me, a young bartender

at the top of my game.

Just get out there and break up with

our doctor.

No problem.

I'm the master of break-ups.

Hey.

Rose has lupenzia.

We can't see you as our pediatrician.

Lupenzia?

Right.

You're a doctor.

That's not going to work.

It's not you, it's Rose.

Let me guess.

I look too young?

Look, I get it.

Your wife's just concerned about

getting the best care for your baby.

Not my wife.

I'm her anonymous sperm donor.

Long story.

Sorry, if it were up to me you'd

be our doctor.

Who wouldn't want a hot doctor,

with the body of a hot nurse?

Sorry, that was inappropriate.

Right?

Hello?

How are you?

It's Jonathan.

Pssst!

Ah... Jonathan... hi.

Thanks for the invite.

Sorry I didn't get back to you.

Are you calling to cancel?

No, I was just...

Killing myself?

Oh, well don't put yourselves out,

we know dinner parties can be

so much work...

I'm killing myself in anticipation for

our dinner.

But if Saturday's no good we can cancel.

Saturday's fine.

Ow-rr place will be prepared for

your visit, then.

You are terrible at this.

Hi, it's Janet here.

This all sounds perfect.

But our butcher is out of town so...

I'm vegetarian so it'll probably be

a problem cooking for us.

You're a vegetarian and our butcher is

out of town so... perfect.

Perfect.

Oh drat, drat.

Our babysitter is away.

Oh, oh, that's too bad.

You can't very well leave the boy

home alone!

No, no, thanks anyway...

Don't hang up!

It's Anastasia.

I'm grounded but that doesn't mean

you guys can't have your dinner party.

I know my parents are really looking

forward to it.

I'll babysit Billy!

How lovely of our daughter to help.

See you Saturday at seven?

Thanks Anastasia.

Can't wait.

I just spoke to Harry, so no problem,

I can recommend you to a senior physician.

Not that I don't think you're great.

Just not your type?

I'm kidding.

And calamine lotion will help with Charlie's

dry patches.

You noticed those?

Mm-hm.

It looks like he might be teething.

Let him chew on a frozen bagel...

That'll soothe him.

Thanks, I'll try that.

And I was wrong.

I don't want anyone else.

You're perfect for us.

Well, I guess I could take you back.

I'll see you at our next appointment.

And I'll see you Saturday.

I thought she wasn't going to be Charlie's

doctor anymore.

You broke up with her and made a date with her?

Can you even date your kid's doctor?

Isn't that a doctor-patient conflict of interest?

Think it'd be a conflict if she dated our baby.

There's probably less of an age difference.

Oooh snap!

Oh, I need to call telehealth to find out

when to wean Charlie off his soother.

I'm texting Laila.

I'll ask her.

Twelve months.

That was faster than Google.

It's like I have my own personal telehealth line.

This is amazing.

For you and me both.

She is one naughty sexter.

Maybe this isn't so bad.

First date, we discuss vaccines.

Second date, we try some allergy foods.

We?

Here. Work these questions into

conversation on your date.

There are like ninety-five questions here.

Just try to keep her interested in for a

couple of dates.

I'm Harry.

I grow bored of women.

They don't grow bored of me.

But, she's a doctor.

I've been out with lots of

medical professionals, thanks.

Yeah, slutty nurses at Halloween.

And hone up on the news.

Middle-East stuff.

You need to sound smart.

I am smart.

Thank you very much.

I'll be fine.

Yeah, I took the comics out.

Come on Ana, we gotta get going

if I'm gonna drop you off to babysit Billy.

I also have big dinner plans tonight.

Date with a doctor.

As in "I drive a taxi, but back in my country

I was a doctor" type of doctor?

No, a real doctor.

Of human babies.

Jonathan, whatever you do, do not open

the good wine.

For future reference, where do you keep

the good wine?

And Harry do not say a word to

Michelle and Zoey about how much we

are dreading this horrible,

horrible night.

Well, I wouldn't feel right lying.

Keep quiet and you can have a

bottle of wine for your date with the doctor.

Deal.

Honesty schmonesty.

Hello!

Hey, can you call us later with a

fake emergency to get us out of dinner

with the schmucks?

I'm not sure...

Seems dishonest.

What do you want?

Flowers for my date tonight.

Done.

You can expect a phone call.

Bye.

Wrong number.

Have a great night, mom!

I'm so happy I could help out by

babysitting Billy.

Have fun.

I wish you could come with me to

wilderness adventure camp.

You can send me a pinecone.

Oh, my God.

I put in the wrong person.

I texted one of the cool mean girls!

Cool mean girls?

I want them to like me, but I can't just

text them out of the blue!

I'm dead.

Oh God, she wrote back.

I can't look.

She said "let's hang tonight."

You typed in your address?

You're welcome, big sis!

What am I going to do?

I have to be cool.

Impress them.

I can help.

You've helped enough!

Just get upstairs and stay there.

Wow.

Nice wine.

$200 a bottle.

Lovely bouquet.

Yeah, I picked it out myself.

Oh, I was actually talking about

the wine.

But they are lovely too.

Yes, kidding.

So, Syria, located in the Middle-East.

Big problems over there...

Ummm...

You know, I've slept with scientists, okay.

Okay, what's going on?

I don't usually date doctors.

Well, don't think of me as a doctor,

just think of me as a girl.

I can do that.

Though the girls I usually date think

Syria is something you eat at breakfast.

I'm really really glad I asked you out.

I'm really glad you asked me out too.

Now hold that hopefully dirty thought...

I hate to do this, I just have to make

a quick call.

I made a promise.

Ok.

Good cheese.

It's goat.

Goat.

Goooaaat...

It's a funny word, right?

Goat.

Ok.

We should refresh your glasses.

They're three quarters full.

Which means they're not totally full!

Excuse us.

Babe, stop looking at your phone.

We hate when people do that.

Harry is going to call with a fake emergency.

Hello?

Hey, big emergency.

Billy and Anastasia robbed a bank and

they're on the lam.

You have to leave.

Look Harry we're fine.

We don't need your fake help.

Well if it changes your mind,

Janet and Jonathan really didn't want you

to come.

They were dreading it.

Oh really?

More 200$ dollar wine, ma'am?

So the invitation was a mistake.

You didn't want to have us over did you?

Seriously?

We didn't want to come!

Well we spent an hour trying to

figure out how to un-invite you!

We spent an hour trying to figure out

how to get uninvited!

We don't know any lesbian topics!

We don't know any obnoxious

rich people topics!

Kayla's cousin's best friend thinks she saw my boyfriend

Dakota at the movies with another girl.

I'm going to die.

Die!

Was that the stairs talking?

Hi. I'm Billy, Anastasia's little...

Sorta brotherish.

Sorta brotherish?

Awwwwwwwww!

You're so cute.

Come down!

We are the world!

You got that from a circle?

And to think that we didn't even want

to have you over.

Why did we let the vultures team up?

Because we like to have fun.

And we're not sore winners.

You drew a great cat, Zoey.

I can't believe I didn't get

cat-astrophic environmental change

from that.

Every time I draw a cat, it always winds up

looking like a duck.

Ducks are great too, Jonathan!

Hush up team cares-a-lot.

So team iron-fist got the last one

so we get to go again.

I for one am glad to be on a team where

I'm not being micro-managed.

Yeah, I hear you.

It's refreshing not to hear

"get your head in the game"!

A clockwork orange!

In your face!

Yeah!

In a few years you could be a real

ladykiller, Billy.

Just don't play games like my douchebag boyfriend.

He doesn't deserve you, Madison.

Will you just excuse us for a sec?

Billy you have to get upstairs.

The girls aren't even talking to me.

Well too bad I'm just your

sorta little brotherish.

Anyway this is my mothers' house.

I can do what I want.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Hey, you ladies want a drink?

I know where they keep the good stuff.

Soda.

Any adult drinks?

Awesome!

You're the best, Billy!

And Ana, could you fetch us some chips?

Sure.

This has been a lot of fun.

Sorry.

Hold that pose.

Hey.

Just stopping by.

Oh hi, Dr. Lin.

Didn't know you'd be here.

Yes you did.

Well, since I'm here, maybe I'll feed Charlie?

I brought some peanut butter and strawberries.

And I know you should wait until he's two but...

Well, actually anytime around

age one is great.

Just not during dates.

Funny and informative.

Hey, mind if I ask a question or

two while I'm here?

Harry, where's that list?

Allergy foods?

A list of questions?

Wait.

Is that why I'm here?

Of course not.

Believe me.

No way.

You plied me with expensive wine so

I'd put out advice about colic?

I'm more than just a brain, you know.

Down here, Harry.

Down here.

Oh my God I was already looking there!

I swear!

I thought you'd be different from the

stuffy guys I usually date.

I am!

No I'm always looking at boobs,

I'm not thinking about a girl's mind!

I swear!

We just lost our doctor.

I just lost a girl I really liked.

Laila?

Oh... hey Anastasia.

If you like sneezing baby panda videos,

you should check out my YouTube channel.

Thank God you're here.

Billy ruined my night.

I wanted to impress those mean girls but

Billy stole them.

Now they won't leave.

Billy, we totally need to hang more often.

Look at that.

Talking to girls way above his grade level.

Billy is so gonna be able to date a doctor one day.

What?

Yeah, I think we're all gamed out.

Oh don't sulk just because you're losing.

We are so different.

Competitive, not competitive;

sore losers, not sore losers;

jerks, not jerks.

Hello?

Okay.

Yup, we'll be right there.

Our kids are fighting.

But I'm sure you two would like to

throw them in a pit to see which

one survives.

Or we could show them one of your cat drawings.

They'll be so embarrassed they'll forget what they

were fighting about.

Jonathan, you can ride with me.

Well then I guess that means Michelle

can ride with me.

Hello?

Hey, it's Rose.

I'm not on call for your questions.

Goodbye Rose.

Listen.

Tonight wasn't Harry's fault.

I was the one using you for your intellect.

Harry likes you for very shallow reasons.

Really?

I liked him too.

Until you showed up.

It'll be different, I promise.

You're the doctor for me.

I mean the girl for Harry.

Take us back?

If I can get off this call right now,

I'll give Harry another chance.

Really?

Awesome!

And you're still our doctor?

Hello?

Oh now that's not very professional.

Janet is always telling me what to do.

She treats me like a puppet.

And a secretary.

A secretary puppet.

You are your own man!

I get it though.

Michelle thinks I'm too nice and

that I try to find the best in everything.

Well, I for one love your optimism!

Thank you.

You know, in a different life we would make

a perfect couple!

Oh good.

Time to pass this off to the real parents.

Not some puffy-haired,

sperm donor loser.

They really are mean girls.

You shouldn't speak to your elders

that way.

Shut up, dork.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to invite them.

I just wanted them to like me.

I understand.

I remember high school and the need to be cool.

They drank some of your booze, Zoey.

It's okay.

I'll drive them home.

You know, might put us on their good side.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You let Ana get away with fighting with Billy

and inviting girls over to drink booze,

then you offer to drive them home?

Jonathan might say you're domineering,

but I see you as a leader.

Thank you.

And I respect the fact that you say things

as they are, no sugar-coating.

Huh.

I bet in an alternate universe

we'd rule it together.

Billy, what's going on here?

I wanted the cool girls to think I'm cool.

You served them our alcohol?!

What were you thinking?!

I am very angry and disappointed!

This is very, very disappointing!

Um, Billy's crying.

Why didn't you tell me to calm down?

It's ok buddy.

Billy, I'm so sorry...

I'm sorry that I wasn't here to calm her down.

We are a great team.

Can I have the keys?

I'm driving Ana's friends home and

they don't like waiting.

I will drive the little witches home.

And I will teach them a thing or two

about manners.

Thank God.

They scare me.

I'm happy to have the iron fist back!

Thank you.

And there's no one else I'd rather rule the

universe with.

So you get to play doctor

with an actual doctor.

Yup.

Hey Rose!

Doctor Laila wants to give us another shot.

Shot, get it?

That's great, Harry.

I can't remember the last time I liked a

girl this much.

And me dating a doctor is great for you too, right?

Rose?

Right. Right.

My own personal telehealth line.

Just thinking about Laila makes my heart beat faster.

I should get her to check that out.

It's so nice to have the two of you over

to clear the air.

You didn't mean to invite us for brunch,

did you?

No.

So, had your first big fight.

You're really brother and sister now.

Does that mean I'm not your

sorta brotherish anymore?

Sure.

Now you're just my super annoying little brother.

Thanks for coming by Rose.

I know you wanted an older doctor,

so I got it covered.

Well, wherel is this little whippersnapper?

Oh.

You're an ugly one, aren't you?

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