Original subtitles

Hey!

Thanks for coming by, Harry.

Well your text had fourteen

I didn't feel I had a choice.

Ana's new boyfriend is upstairs.

He's the sum of all our fears.

A foreign black widow spider who's here to

increase your taxes?

He's a textbook criminal.

Lewis always does these finger shooting gestures,

and he has three X's tattooed on his arm.

Triple-X?

Yes.

Which means he's either really into pornography

or he's killed three people so far...

or thirty.

Keep walking, Lewis, don't stop.

They can't see us if we don't stop.

Hey, Mr. and Mrs. C.

Thanks so much for letting me do my

homework here, I really appreciate it.

And you must be Harry, the sperm donor.

Nice to finally meet you,

I've heard a lot about you.

Alright well, thanks again guys.

Take care.

What?

You have nothing to worry about.

Lewis is Straight Edge.

Right, okay.

It's a teen sub-culture- they don't drink,

swear or have sex.

His 'Triple-X' tattoo stands for Straight Edge.

No drinking?

No sex?

You mean Ana is dating a...

Good Boy?

Yup, he's celibate, sober, and totally boring.

Not unlike me at that age.

Except with Lewis, it's by choice.

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You're a great mom, Charlie's perfect,

can we leave now?

I just want to meet other new parents and

give them parenting tips.

I mean, share tips.

Learn together.

You mean brag about Charlie.

I am not here to brag, or get praise.

Even if I deserve it.

I don't care what these people think.

Now put that thing away before they think we're

ruining Charlie's attention span.

I'm just protecting him - and me - from the

boredom of this Parent's Group.

Aww.

Our babies have matching bibs.

Well, not to brag, but Charlie hardly

ever drools anymore.

I actually use the bib more than him now.

Your husband is very funny.

Oh no, we're not married.

Harry's my sperm donor.

I see.

Oh, you use that lotion?

You realize it's not organic?

And that stroller...

Oh, yeah, last year's model.

We saved a bundle on that puppy.

Must be great to be so relaxed about

your baby's well-being.

It's a wonder that he doesn't crawl away to safety.

No offense.

Ha. Joke's on you.

Charlie can't crawl.

I'm so glad that my baby has a real father,

and not some sperm dad.

Okay.

Let's go, we do not need their approval.

Absolutely.

We are first rate parents.

The wheels are stuck again.

I'll just pick him up.

Charlie's not strapped in.

Right.

First rate.

Hey, I forgot to mention,

I spoke with my old co-worker, Angela.

Co-worker?

Which... job?

The one I volunteered at before Billy was born.

PETI?

People for the Ethical Treatment of Insects.

Right.

That job.

Anyway, she's in town, so we're going to go for

dinner on Saturday.

Saturday?

Aren't you forgetting something?

Most married couples mark this occasion?

It happens every year.

Shark week?

Our wedding anniversary.

Oh my universe.

You really forgot?

Babe, you never forget.

Yes, I did.

Oh, I feel awful.

I love us.

Will you forgive me?

Please?

Yeah, of course.

I'm going to hide the party box in

the laundry room.

Mommy Michelle never goes there.

Ah, streamers...

Oh boy.

Hmmm... invitations, twelfth anniversary napkins?

It was supposed to be a surprise.

I screwed up.

Sorry.

I owe you one giant surprise.

Oops.

I wanted to surprise you with a party at

our favorite restaurant.

Surprise!

Happy anniversary.

So, you didn't forget?

But the big apology?

Babe you were on the verge of tears.

Pretty convincing, huh?

Yeah.

Really convincing.

You lie well.

Really well.

Way too well.

It's Straight Edge Lewis.

Okay, we can't show too much approval,

or we'll just push him away.

Agreed?

Agreed.

Ugh, I look like a ragamuffin.

Lewis, what a surprise.

Come in.

Or don't.

I have no feelings about it either way.

Hey Mr. and Mrs. C.

Is Ana home?

Believe it or not, she's at the library.

That's where we had our first date.

You can wait for her here.

I was just about to watch the game.

Any game.

Doesn't matter.

Do you enjoy games of ball?

Oh, um, no thank you.

I just came to talk to Ana.

You see, I realized I was attracted to her

'Bad Girl' type, but...

we're just too different.

Well, I guess I'll break up with her another time.

See you later guys, or maybe not.

Break up?

No-no-no-no...

Wait, Lewis.

Give us another chance!

We can change.

Hey.

Did you find a charger for the tablet?

Guess I should be more careful

I only got this baby six months ago.

Your baby is only six months old?

He's already pointing and grasping at six months?

That's incredible.

He's actually...

Everyone, look at Charlie.

He's six months old and so advanced.

You must be an amazing father.

Oh, come on.

Give this man a latte on me.

In a 'Father of the Year' mug.

That's me.

Father of the Year.

Well, half year, since Charlie's

only six months old.

Sorry.

Hello.

Hey.

I just wanted to say thanks for not letting

those jerk parents get into my head.

I never want to go to that coffee shop again.

Me neither.

Is that Charlie's Mom?

I'd love to ask her advice...

Your phone.

Anyway, forget about that.

Let's talk baby raising.

I'm good at it.

And those parents at that group wanted my

advice on everything: diaper rash, vomiting,

diarrhea...

Wow, the big three.

That's amazing.

And I'm being sarcastic.

To those parents I'm a god.

They're all so impressed at how advanced Charlie is

for a six-month-old.

But he's eleven months old.

Yeah.

That's why they're impressed.

Do you even hear yourself?

He's as bad as you.

Worse than me.

I wouldn't go that far.

You went back to that parent's group,

and lied about Charlie's age to impress them?

Mm.

That doesn't sound like me.

How did you even pull it off?

Charlie's way too big to be six months old.

I sewed fake tags into Charlie's clothes.

'For infants six months and under'?

Just selling the lie so they know that I'm

an amazing parent...

Oh my God.

I've turned into you.

I mean, you!

They really think we're good parents?

No.

The best parents in the history of the world.

But you know what, I don't have to go

back there again.

Who needs constant praise and free lattes?

You and that parents group weren't meant to be.

Not like me and Lewis.

Yeah, no, you two are great

for each other.

Lewis says he's going to call later with news.

And you know what they say, 'All news is good news!'

Maybe you shouldn't get your hopes up,

sweetheart.

You know, love can be cruel.

You're just trying to sabotage our relationship

cause Lewis is a bad boy.

I'll be upstairs doing my homework.

Lewis says good grades are sexy.

Lewis is going to break up with Ana.

Thank God.

They are terrible for each other.

I better tell her the bad news.

Ever heard of killing the messenger?

Come on Harry, the only reason Ana

likes you is because you're lazy,

and you don't involve yourself in her life.

There's a lesson in there, Janet.

Lewis is going to break up with me?

I know, it's awful.

We were like Romeo and Julia.

Close.

You know, I heard Lewis say that he hated fashion.

And texting.

You're just saying those things to be nice...

Thanks mom.

Oh, you're hugging me.

I thought you were going to be mad at me.

I know, It's weird.

Hey Harry, glad you're here.

Have a beer.

Glad I'm here?

Have a beer?

What's wrong?

Zoey lied to me.

And I had no idea.

I thought she was the optimistic,

honest one and I was the cynical,

deceitful one.

Hey, come on now, you're deceitful.

Not compared to Zoey McLies-A-Lot Fib-Machine.

Zoey is the worst liar of all time.

She has a huge tell.

Every time she lies, she tilts her head

to the side.

She has a tell?

She tilts her head like a curious bird.

Zoey does not have a 'tell.'

If you say so.

But unlike your wife I have no reason to

lie to you.

You should go.

Yeah, but you said, 'glad I was here.'

I was lying.

Charlie and I play a more advanced version

of peek-a-boo.

If you'd like, someday I can teach you.

Bless you.

You're an amazing mother.

I can't believe Charlie's only six months old-

Well, the truth can be stranger than fiction.

I would know.

Librarian.

Well lookie who's abusing my lie to boost her ego?

I, I just came to get a coffee,

and they started to praise me, and...

Wait what are you doing here?

Rough day.

I needed a little parental praise pick-me up.

Good you're both here.

Should I be using nutritional additive

in my bottle formula?

No way.

Absolutely.

Absolutely not.

It's so reassuring to learn from the experts.

Yep.

We've learned a lot in the last eleven mon-

eleven minutes.

I just read a book.

Who's got the PhD in smart?

Me.

We are the best, aren't we?

Yeah.

All the kids are using tablets.

I may have said that was the key

to Charlie's amazingingness.

You're mad?

Here... two free lattes.

Thanks for introducing us to the Charlie Method.

Go Team Charlie!

Umm hmm!

Surprise!

I'm here!

Zoey, do you really use our expensive cable package

to watch journal shows, or is it all about

the women's tennis?

Journal shows, why?

I see.

And, uh, my rule about

'no eating in bed'...

you never break it, right?

Like when I'm sleeping?

I only eat cookies in the kitchen.

Because cookies are kitchen food.

And my ceramic bust of Elvis that I kept

on top of the fridge...

That was broken when I got home.

You're lying.

I can see when you're lying.

You have the world's biggest 'tell' babe.

Lying lying lying liar.

I have a 'tell'?

It was actually kind of cute.

Well, now you know when I'm lying,

so that's good, right?

It's great.

Well then everybody's happy.

You're happy.

And I'm happy.

Happy happy happy.

Zoey, you're lying...

Are you unhappy?

What kind of a question is that?

I'm always the happy one.

Happy happy Zoey, that's what they call me.

Of course I'm happy.

Am I unhappy?

Surprise.

This was Lewis and my favorite movie.

It's always so sad when the ship sinks and Jack drowns.

Yeah.

But then she throws away the Heart of the Ocean.

I mean that necklace would have been

worth a fortune...

What?

I mean, she said 'never let go',

and then she lets go.

It's so sad.

I know.

I didn't know you had feelings inside you.

Oh sweetie.

Jonathan?

Lewis?

What are you...?

Hi Mrs. C.

What are you doing here?

I convinced Lewis not to break up with Ana.

Lewis?

We're broken up.

We are?

Oh no you're not.

Oh yes you are.

No we're not.

Oh yes we are.

Wait.

I can't believe I trusted you.

You hate Lewis so you tried to ruin my entire life...

No, I'm just the messenger...

I could kill you.

Come on, Lewis.

My parents might not like your unconventional ways

but I live dangerously.

You should probably get a coat,

it's pretty chilly.

We'll be together forever and there's

nothing you can do about it.

Oh, let's take public transit.

It's the safe and reliable option.

Don't be home too early.

Our daughter hates us.

No, just you.

Are we screwing these kids up?

You said those tablets mess with babies'

attention spans.

That doesn't sound like me.

Let's not worry about it, okay?

I'm finally getting the recognition I deserve.

You mean we?

Yes.

We're finally getting the recognition I deserve.

I get some credit.

I'm the primary care giver, so really all

Charlie's accomplishments are my accomplishments.

Fake accomplishments Rose.

And just like Super Charlie,

my six-month-old is also ready for

hard cereal, and mmmm, firm cheese!

Um, are you sure about that?

Doctors say that six-month olds should

only have soft foods, but I want my Veronica

to be the next Charlie!

Bon appetit.

Stop!

Charlie is not six months old.

He's eleven months.

He is?

We've been taking advice from liars

with an eleven month old who can't even crawl?

Should he be crawling by now?

Yeah, like sixty days ago.

No wonder Charlie's so slow.

You're both terrible parents.

Kinda parent.

Hey, don't blame Harry.

Yeah, it's not my fault Charlie's slow.

You think Charlie is slow?

Hey, don't blame yourself.

I don't.

If anything he's slow because of you.

Oh yeah, that makes sense,

primary caregiver.

Thank you.

Hey, oh I'm glad you came.

Thank you.

Surprise!

Gotcha!

I owed you a surprise and here it is!

That was so so great.

You really surprised me.

Ugh, she's lying.

Yep.

So, how're you feeling?

Any idea why you're unhappy?

Sadly, no.

It's probably Harry.

I bet it's Harry.

Of course it's Harry.

No, it's not Harry.

Well the stress of party planning?

Why would planning a party make me unhappy?

Because babe, you throw a party

for every occasion.

Labour Day.

Groundhog Day, Black Friday...

which I appreciate, but it doesn't mean

what you think it does.

That can't be it.

I love planning parties.

And, really?

Black Friday isn't...

No.

Oh...

Hey.

Thanks for coming.

Is everything okay?

Never better.

Charlie may have fallen a little bit behind,

development-wise.

I blame myself.

For choosing Harry.

Rose is under the impression that

it's my sperm's fault.

It's nature versus nurture.

And you blame Rose's nurture?

Nurture-ly.-Naturally.

My nurturing is the only thing

keeping Charlie on track.

It's Father Nature's fault he's not crawling.

Well, you know, babies develop at

their own rate.

It's no one's fault if Charlie's slow.

He is not slow!

Happy Anniversary.

We'll hit up Stacey's party later,

but first I should say hi to my

half-brother's lesbian parents.

Then we can ditch.

You said 'ditch' AND lesbian...

You are so bad.

Also, this is a perfect opportunity to pre-drink

for free.

Oh, what's a 'pre-drink?'

Ha. Good one.

Come on.

No one's working the bar.

Hey guys.

Great to see you.

Sure sure, um where are

Lewis and Anastasia?

They're here, right?

Happy twelfth anniversary,

what is that, iron anniversary?

Steel?

Something special.

So where is Anastasia?

Janet, how far behind was Ana on her milestones?

Say, crawling.

Excuse me?

Anastasia hit every milestone early.

Crawling, talking, you name it.

She was way ahead of schedule.

And then of course she grew up,

and everything changed and she...

Oh look, mini quiches.

Delightful.

Billy learned to walk before he was one.

Right?

So genetically speaking, you got the cream of the

cream of sperm donors.

So?

I make great kids.

I'm just not responsible for what happens when the

sperm leaves the clinic.

Any deficiencies come down to bad parenting.

No offense, no offense,

no offense, no offense,

some offense.

So, Ana's dating a bad boy.

I dated a bad boy once.

He had a hot sister.

Wonder what kind of girls Billy will date?

Oh, it won't be long now.

That's enough.

Billy's not dating.

He's not growing up.

He's still my little boy and I...

Oh my Gaia, that's why I'm unhappy.

Billy's getting older, and I'm just not as

needed anymore.

I've been so busy being a Mom I forgot

about my own passions.

What a breakthrough.

Hey Mr. C... What's going on man?

Oh...

Hey man, hey, do you want

one of these?

They're called a screwdriver.

Ana got me it and said it was a

screwdriver and I said that's not a

screw driver silly, it's a cup.

Cup cup cup.

He's drunk.

You fed him booze!?

He told me he'd never had any.

And he's seventeen.

Isn't that crazy?

I have never felt so great in my

whole damn life.

I said damn.

Butts.

I love swearing.

He only had one drink.

You know what, that's a good idea.

These things are really good.

Woo!

I'm the king of the world!

Hey, give me another one,

these are great.

What happened to Straight Edge?

What happened to your system of beliefs,

of going against the norm?

Straight Edge?

What's that?

Your Bad Girl daughter showed me a better way.

I just want to have fun, and I just want to drink

and I want to swear, and I don't believe

in nothing.

You corrupted our Lewis.

No, he's perfect.

We should all be dead beats,

like Anastasia,

cause then we could have no futures and

just party all the time.

Wooo!

Shut up and get out.

Just take your stupid pleather jacket and leave.

You guys were right to hate him.

We love Lewis.

No, we didn't.

We hated him.

We always hated him.

Come here.

See, Billy will always need you.

I know.

But I'm looking forward to

growing into a new purpose.

Finding fulfillment.

That's right, people, I'm getting a part-time job!

I switched the vegan sandwiches with the roast beef!

Surprise!

Thanks Billy.

Look out you two.

You blink and Charlie will be ten years old.

I guess we're not in any rush.

Yeah.

Charlie will develop at his own pace.

I'm not worried.

Me neither.

At all.

Look!

He's crawling... He can crawl!

Thank god.

Finally.

Oh, I was worried.

I thought he was slow.

Oh, me too.

You see Ana, you may be sad now,

but your heart will go on.

Oh I know!

I met a great new guy named Seth.

He makes crystals in a lab.

How cool is that?

Crystals, that sounds wholesome.

Look at all these jobs.

Corrections officer; they get so many

meanies applying, they'd love me.

Or I could be a five-star chef.

Then I'd finally learn how to really cook...

Definitely.

Those sound like great ideas.

Aw darn.

I let Charlie use your tablet, and he broke it.

Just like that.

Really?

Charlie broke it?

Yep.

Synced and corrected by Mastermonger. www.addic7ed.com