Original subtitles

Double digit birthday tomorrow!

Strong move, buddy.

Almost ten years old.

Yup, one year closer to retiring after a life of hard work.

I'll have an awesome gift for you at your birthday party.

But getting older is a gift in itself.

Oh Billy.

That's just what old poor people say.

Seriously, no gifts this year.

Billy's having a charity birthday party.

What?

Instead of a gift for Billy,

people are bringing donations for less fortunate children.

Zoey's idea.

Obviously.

It's time to give back, we have so much.

You don't have that much.

Why didn't I get a vote in this terrible idea?

You're our sperm donor.

You don't get a vote.

Oh, my brother Frank is coming into town,

he wants to meet you all.

I get to meet my Uncle!

Your sperm donor Uncle.

My spuncle?

Your brother?

The one you said put your hand in

warm water when you slept?

I'm afraid so.

Man, the rest of that flight was uncomfortable.

You're gonna love Frank.

He's great.

Just hide the silverware, okay.

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Do we know anyone who speaks Chinese?

I want to make sure my tattoo has a cool message.

Make sure this means "peace" and not "chicken chow mein."

A tattoo?!

Oh, I think the message will be very clear:

Janet Colborne has failed as a mother.

You are not marking up your body like some harlot.

Oh yes I am.

You have to be 18, or have parental consent.

I'll just get Harry to do it...

Harry is our sperm donor, not your guardian.

Your daughter wants a tramp stamp.

Oh, that's great you're collecting stamps, but why of homeless people?

Can I get a tattoo daddy?

A tattoo?

Oh.

Well, it's great we can have an

open talk about...

No.

Way.

Ugh.

I'll talk to her.

Nothing motivates a teenager like a

discussion about responsibility

and regret.

I will leave it in your capable hands.

I need your capable hands.

You need to tell Anastasia that

people that have tattoos look

like idiots.

Janet, I have a tattoo.

Exactly.

Hey.

He's going through the phone book to

see which charities are in need.

Our son is socially conscious!

They still make phone books?

Babe, I'm not sold on

this charity birthday thing.

But he's learning that 'more stuff does not

equal more happiness.'

But gifts are everything at ten.

I know.

Maybe you're right.

He was interested in that amateur telescope.

Let's get that!

It was five hundred dollars.

Five hundred?

Does the telescope orbit the earth too?

You know what Zoey, Billy loves helping people.

No gift needed.

A Shirley temple with loads of alcohol.

A dirty Shirley for our dirty Rose.

Welcome to the world of drinking.

I'm not pregnant.

I'm not breast feeding.

I am ready to drink with my

fellow librarians!

And they cancelled.

Douche alert.

Ugh.

Pick-up artists.

With their cheesy lines and their

'big strategies'...

like they're gonna get you to make out

with them in their cars.

Some guys.

I know, right!

Quick!

He's coming over.

Act like you're my boyfriend!

I said I'm sorry honey!

I'll remember next time!

But you never remember anything I ask you to do!

Well I forget because my mind gets so

caught up in your beauty.

Can you believe some people come

to bars just looking to hook up?

It's unreal, right.

I mean who does that?

God, you've got great hair.

You can pull it, Shirley.

Surely, what?

The bartender called you Shirley,

dirty Shirley?

Oh, no.

I was drinking a...

Never mind.

Oh, and I have a baby...

Awesome.

Family is everything to me.

Should we take this to the back seat?

Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

Rose!

Look who's here!

Frank!

My big brother!

Rose this is my brother, Frank.

Frank, this is Rose.

Good to meet you for the very first time.

Yes, good to meet you, stranger.

And so good to see my sperm-nephew, Charlie.

Just say nephew.

Isn't he cute?

No.

Why would I think he's cute?

I don't.

Cause he's your son?

Charlie!

Charlie is cute.

I'm so happy you two finally get to meet.

Family hug!

This feels right.

I missed you last night, bro.

Frank's plane landed late.

Why don't you two chat while I go

check on Charlie?

Talk?

But we don't know each other.

Yeah, I know.

That's why you should talk.

You're the black sheep brother!

I can't believe you slept with me.

Really?

Cause you're very attractive.

You should give yourself some credit.

Why were you at the bar last night?

I thought I was going to meet Harry,

and then we met, and you were so

distractingly beautiful.

Oh, really?

You're so charm...

What are we going to do?

Well we tell Harry.

He's just your sperm donor, right?

We can't tell him.

Ever.

I can't believe I slept with Harry's

brother first.

First?

We can never let Harry know that we did it.

You did it?

We did it!

We talked.

Just now.

Like you wanted us to.

It was interesting.

Yay!

Nice.

Happy charity birthday, sweetie.

For every candle I blow out,

I'm sending a nickel to a

developing country.

Happy Birthday Billy, you'll be receiving

a check for your local charity

around tax time, as soon as we know

how much we can write off.

Happy Birthday little bro.

What can I get you?

An end to poverty?

A soda?

Can you talk Ana out of

getting a tattoo?

I've asked Harry but of course we

can't depend on him now can we?

But we have tattoos.

And we love them.

Did you all grow up on

Navy yards?

Each tattoo tells a story.

Like the one on my back is about

the first time I had too much

white wine and got a tattoo.

And this one...

Awesome, Michelle.

It's like a unique reflection of you.

I want one just like it.

Classic Frank DaCosta.

Arrives late with some lame excuses.

I wonder what he's hiding.

Let him be.

Just get through this weekend,

and he'll be gone.

I'm not even sure I should bring him

to Billy's party.

He's trouble...

He's always been a black sheep.

Wait.

This is great.

Once I introduce Frank to everybody

he'll become the black sheep.

And I'll become the white sheep.

What is it with you and sheep?

You're obsessed with sheep.

And honestly, I think your

brother is a good guy.

You don't know him like I do.

You really have to protect yourself

when you're with him, Rose.

I did.

I mean I would.

I mean, what?

So Harry didn't mention you two

were so smart and beautiful.

And they're gay.

You did mention that, Harry.

Billy is very lucky to have two great moms.

Aw, he's sweet.

Charming.

And nothing at all like Harry described.

And Janet, I know we haven't had a chance to catch up,

and correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem frightfully intelligent.

Oh, Frank.

You're not wrong.

Now how did we not meet you sooner?

I guess I've just been busy growing up.

You know, since the last time

I saw Harry I've matured,

started my own real-estate investment agency,

which is mostly AFP's, DIV-X, PFRTPS - you know.

Of course.

Why didn't you mention this before?

I didn't want to seem like I was bragging.

Being a bartender is equally as awesome.

It is.

Yes.

Look at us two white sheep.

Equally successful!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Hey, you can't mention anything

about that guy last night.

The one that looked like a handsomer,

more successful version of Harry?

Yeah, that was Frank.

Harry's brother.

You slept with Harry's brother?

How did you know we slept together?

As a bartender, I have an uncanny

ability to predict boozy hook-ups.

Ugh, it's not fair.

You sleep with one guy in the

back seat of a car, and he turns out to be

the brother of your anonymous sperm donor.

A story as old as time.

It's not like we did anything wrong, right?

Well, Frank did.

He's married.

Harry went to his Vegas wedding three years ago.

I know there's the whole charity thing,

but this gift is for you.

It may or may not be an awesome video game.

Sniper Squad 2! Sniper Squad 2!

You're the best, Harry.

Hey, Frank.

I'm so happy things have turned around for you.

Thank you.

That means so much to me bro...

But could you be a little less successful?

I'm trying to make good with the moms,

and it would really help me out if they

looked at me as the more responsible brother.

No problem, Harry.

Uh, I was going to give Billy this cheque

for his birthday, though, but...

a thousand dollars!

It's overkill, right?

Tell you what, how about I just

give him like a little keepsake?

Yes.

Perfect.

Thank you.

Ya, no problem.

Ah, Billy.

I got you a little something.

Oh Frank, I'm sorry,

but Billy only wants charity donations this year.

Zoey go easy.

It's not Frank's fault that he's the black sheep

and can't follow directions.

It's okay, Zoey, what I got Billy

didn't cost a thing.

An old watch?

Not the best gift but it's the thought

that counts, right Billy?

I think it's broken.

That belonged to our granddad Giovanni.

He fought in World War Two.

He did?

Every single day of that war,

Giovanni would write to our grandma and said

"I'm counting down the seconds until I can return to you,

Caterina."

But, unfortunately, Giovanni passed away.

They said that that watch stopped

working the moment Giovanni died.

His time had just...

Run out.

My grandma she calls me her

"pecore bianche, her white sheep-

she gave that to me.

And now Uncle Frank is giving it to you.

How did great Grandpa die?

He was shot by a sniper.

A sniper!?

Oh come on.

He's like the sperm donor we

thought we were getting.

Thanks Uncle Frank

you're very welcome.

You deserve that.

Sorry I missed your brother,

I got caught up working.

Well, I'm sure you would have

loved him.

Everybody else did.

These are for my talk with Anastasia.

Do you think comic sans is a good font to

communicate to teenagers?

"Tattoos are taboo."

"Think before you ink?"

"Down with coloured skin?"

Hmmm.

That one sounds bad.

Don't worry, Janet asked me

to handle the tattoo talk.

I'm totally capable.

I thought the tattoo talk was my thing.

I spent hours slaving over a hot laminator.

Jonathan, it's not about

who does the job, or who gets the credit.

It's what's best for Ana, right Janet?

Absolutely, oh and by the way Harry,

I'm not going to need you to talk to Anastasia.

I'm getting Uncle Frank to do it.

But the tattoo talk is our thing!

We made great laminates.

Great?

Thank you.

Babe, I was worried about this charity

birthday thing, but we nailed it.

We are great parents.

The greatest.

Well, these are for the charity.

So when should I open my presents?

Your presents?

But we told you we were donating them to charity.

Haha.

Yeah, we're giving away the gifts

other people brought, but not your presents,

right?

Honey, we didn't get you a gift.

But charity starts at home, right?

Really, no gifts?

Umm...

That's okay.

Surprise!

Of course we got you a gift.

We'll give them to you after dinner.

We are horrible parents.

Charity is tearing this family apart.

Harry, I need to talk to you about your brother.

Did you hear?

Zoey and Michelle are getting Frank

to invest their savings?

He'll probably make them a fortune.

That jerk.

No, no no, bad idea.

They can't trust him.

He's a cheater.

What do you mean?

I should leave...

But this is going to be too good.

I have to be honest.

Frank...

Frank...

Frank slept with Rose.

What?!

I was going to say cheated on his wife.

But both are true so...

Don't be mad.

A picture of two tattoos.

"Which one is better?"

Anastasia's getting a tattoo.

Now.

Jonathan?

Harry?

What are you two doing here?

Anastasia texted me, said she was

getting a tattoo.

I told her to keep that quiet.

You brought your daughter here?

Well if this is what Ana wants, then I embrace it.

Because what has two thumbs and

is now the cool dad?

This guy.

What are you doing here, black sheep brother?

Anastasia sent me a text and asked me

which tattoo she should get.

She's really come to value my opinion.

Yeah, well, she values my opinion more.

What were you doing with Janet?

We were discussing investment opportunities.

AFP's and such.

I'm sure it's completely over your head, Harry.

So you're sleeping with Janet too?

We are not sleeping together.

Too?

We didn't actually sleep, so.

Can you believe Ana's getting a tattoo?

Look, don't worry about this tattoo thing, Janet.

I'll fix it for you.

We don't need your help.

You're not her father.

Yeah!

Ana already has a father.

Us.

And if anyone's going to get a third parent opinion on

Ana's tattoo, it's me!

Because you're the black sheep Frank,

and that's the way it's always been.

Wake up and smell my Italian leather shoes.

You're a failed musician, and full time bartender.

You're the black sheep now Harry.

Yeah, well you cheated on your wife!

You're married?

We split up.

You happy?

I came here to get support from the

one family member I thought I could count on.

Who?!

Oh.

So do you like the thoughtful gifts

we bought for you a long time ago?

A bread maker.

The same type we already own.

And some packs of gum taped to it.

Yup.

Peppermint and spearmint.

We have one last gift for you, Billy.

Finally.

A real gift.

I knew it!

But lets remember gifts don't equal love, or happiness.

It's five hundred dollars!

I can buy myself a taxidermy kit,

just like I wanted!

How did you know?

Cause moms know.

We love you.

I know.

Now.

Frank.

I had no idea.

What happened to your marriage?

We had fights.

Lots of little things.

But mostly?

We couldn't conceive.

I think I'm shooting blanks Harry.

Are you sure you're my brother?

There's one thing I'll never be better at than you.

Knocking people up.

Hey, I'm here for you bro.

I mean, not to give you sperm.

Unless you want some?

No, that always gets complicated.

Get in here.

How dare you bring Ana here to get a tattoo.

How dare you spend the day

with Harry's brother.

Oh please, I was investing in ATP''s,

DIV-Xs and PRFPTS.

Those letters don't mean anything.

Are you telling me that Frank is a fraud?

That is ridiculous.

We're talking about Harry's brother here.

Oh.

Ugh.

Yeah, sorry.

I was trying to cheat your family

out of their money, and now that I've had

more time to think about it,

I can see that I was being dishonest.

I'm sorry.

I guess this makes me the better brother.

And now you can all trust and appreciate me

just a little bit more.

Why would Frank's deceit make you any better?

Cause there can only be one black sheep

in every family, Janet.

Why can't there be two black sheep?

Yeah, there totally could be two black sheep...

I'll see you outside.

Why are you only wearing one shoe?

Because Ana and I are getting matching tattoos.

My daughter and I will share this bond for life.

I hate needles!

Ugh.

I couldn't do it.

Sorry daddy.

No one in this family is getting a tattoo.

Go!

Right.

No one got a tattoo.

Good thing Ana went first.

I mean, can you imagine...

Yeah, close call.

Gah! Ah.

Judging by the graffiti in the bathroom there are

some very talented artists working here.

Look, I'm sorry I slept with your

brother and didn't tell you.

Why keep it a secret?

You didn't know Frank, he didn't know you.

I felt like I cheated on us...

our baby.

Our family.

So we're good?

Totally.

Too bad I don't have a sister,

you could totally do her.

I'm sure you have cousins?

Youngish aunts?

Grandmother?

And here's the last of our donations.

Hold on.

The poor need this more than I do.

It's five hundred dollars.

Five...

You can't donate that.

But we have so much.

We don't have that much.

Even less now.

I want Charlie to have our grandfather's cuff links.

Frank.

But grandpa's name was Giovanni.

Why are the initials T.R.?

And there's a price tag on these.

I'd like to make an appointment...

For removal...

It's on my ankle...

It's a dolphin.

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