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1
00:00:05,540 --> 00:00:06,511
Flowers for me or are you going to
2
00:00:06,511 --> 00:00:07,120
a funeral?
3
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Funeral, actually.
4
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Billy's hamster died.
5
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Be nice if you sent a card.
6
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Service is at three.
7
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Wish I could, but I've only been
8
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cleaning for the last 8 hours and
9
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mom's arriving tomorrow to see
10
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Charlie so please just be the perfect
11
00:00:19,450 --> 00:00:20,950
fake boyfriend, okay?
12
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You really think we can fool her?
13
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Over Skype is easy, but it's been over
14
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a year now, just tell her you
15
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used a sperm donor.
16
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We can totally pass as a couple.
17
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Just be really passive aggressive
18
00:00:30,729 --> 00:00:32,261
and undermine everything I say.
19
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That won't be easy.
20
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Skype Harry is a gentleman.
21
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No no, I told you, no accents and no props.
22
00:00:38,802 --> 00:00:40,469
I don't have to do this.
23
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If it wasn't for this little sham,
24
00:00:41,606 --> 00:00:44,906
I'd be hooking-up with Beth the butcher.
25
00:00:44,908 --> 00:00:46,942
She's an ethical butcher I've been dating.
26
00:00:46,944 --> 00:00:49,645
Fortunately she leaves her ethics at work.
27
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Anyway, you're right.
28
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I shouldn't be afraid of my mom.
29
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I'll tell her the truth when I
30
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get her at the airport tomorrow.
31
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Mom?!
32
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Where's that grandson of mine?
33
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I know I'm early but I didn't want you
34
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to make a fuss cleaning.
35
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I can see I'll have to
help you with that now.
36
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Nice to finally meet you Harry.
37
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No ascot?
38
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It's at the cleaners, my dear Wendy.
39
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It's nice to meet you Wendy.
40
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Rose has something to tell you.
41
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Oh. Well.
42
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It can't be worse than having a baby
43
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out of wedlock.
44
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The truth is...
45
00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:41,061
Harry and I aren'... aren'...
46
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are engaged!
47
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What?
48
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No!
49
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So amazing!
50
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Oh my God!
51
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Synced and corrected by Mastermonger.
www.addic7ed.com
52
00:02:05,721 --> 00:02:06,953
Oh my God!
53
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Wifi's not working.
54
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Do something!
55
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Relax.
56
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Not having Internet access is not the
57
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worst thing in the world.
58
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Yes it is.
59
00:02:13,595 --> 00:02:16,195
Maybe I can Google how to fix it...
60
00:02:16,197 --> 00:02:17,230
oh.
61
00:02:17,232 --> 00:02:19,164
This just means that we can spend more time
62
00:02:19,166 --> 00:02:20,433
together as a family, bonding.
63
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Gross.
64
00:02:21,269 --> 00:02:22,235
Why would I want to do that?
65
00:02:22,237 --> 00:02:23,336
Because I'm your mother and we should
66
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spend time together.
67
00:02:24,339 --> 00:02:25,638
So why don't you grab a book,
68
00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:26,445
sit with me and read?
69
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Ugh. I hate all those things.
70
00:02:33,647 --> 00:02:36,148
Billy, she was a great rodent.
71
00:02:36,150 --> 00:02:38,283
Hamione left a will.
72
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She asked that her food be donated to
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the local animal shelter.
74
00:02:41,288 --> 00:02:43,421
Aw. Like mother like son like hamster.
75
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And she left me the new Xbox console.
76
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Hamione didn't have an Xbox.
77
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Who are we not to grant a dying hamster's
78
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last wish?
79
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Time to put you six inches under.
80
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Some funeral.
81
00:02:58,672 --> 00:03:00,704
Thought there'd at least be some of those
82
00:03:00,706 --> 00:03:01,906
little triangle sandwiches.
83
00:03:01,908 --> 00:03:03,607
Babe, we don't have wills.
84
00:03:03,609 --> 00:03:05,009
I can't believe a hamster's more
85
00:03:05,011 --> 00:03:06,577
organized than us.
86
00:03:06,579 --> 00:03:07,578
You know the hamster didn't really have
87
00:03:07,580 --> 00:03:09,080
a will, right?
88
00:03:09,082 --> 00:03:10,114
We need to decide on a guardian
89
00:03:10,116 --> 00:03:12,049
in case we die together.
90
00:03:12,051 --> 00:03:14,952
I mean, the likelihood is tiny...
91
00:03:14,954 --> 00:03:17,421
Well, you are a terrible driver.
92
00:03:17,423 --> 00:03:18,622
I'm a great driver.
93
00:03:18,624 --> 00:03:20,331
I don't think many curbs
would agree with you.
94
00:03:20,393 --> 00:03:21,057
Or garbage cans.
95
00:03:21,059 --> 00:03:22,392
Or cats.
96
00:03:23,529 --> 00:03:24,461
Look, it's simple.
97
00:03:24,463 --> 00:03:26,196
If we both die, then Billy goes
98
00:03:26,198 --> 00:03:27,398
to my brother.
99
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:28,766
Your crazy brother?
100
00:03:28,768 --> 00:03:30,768
Guy punches one clown...
101
00:03:30,770 --> 00:03:32,068
You're kidding me, right?
102
00:03:32,070 --> 00:03:33,236
I'm Billy's father.
103
00:03:33,238 --> 00:03:34,237
Mostly.
104
00:03:34,239 --> 00:03:35,105
I should be his guardian.
105
00:03:37,374 --> 00:03:37,971
Wait.
106
00:03:37,971 --> 00:03:39,776
Am I even on your list?
107
00:03:39,778 --> 00:03:41,644
You're our formerly anonymous sperm donor.
108
00:03:41,646 --> 00:03:44,114
Of course you're on the list.
109
00:03:44,116 --> 00:03:46,128
Yeah, right below our cleaning lady,
110
00:03:46,128 --> 00:03:48,194
the orphanage and
donating Billy to science.
111
00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:49,619
Please.
112
00:03:49,621 --> 00:03:50,620
Please can I have him?
113
00:03:50,622 --> 00:03:52,884
I swear I'll walk him
and feed him everyday.
114
00:03:54,792 --> 00:03:57,694
Billy does really love Harry.
115
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We'll discuss it.
116
00:03:58,996 --> 00:03:59,662
Yes!
117
00:03:59,664 --> 00:04:00,730
We need a lawyer.
118
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Ugh, they're so expensive.
119
00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:06,535
Oh, I know the perfect lawyer.
120
00:04:06,537 --> 00:04:09,705
And he might even do it for free.
121
00:04:09,707 --> 00:04:10,873
So I know you're a good person who's
122
00:04:10,875 --> 00:04:13,008
always looking to help friends and-
123
00:04:13,010 --> 00:04:15,845
people who share your sperm donor-
124
00:04:15,847 --> 00:04:17,779
and Zoey and I are making our wills
125
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and choosing a guardian if we
126
00:04:19,717 --> 00:04:22,551
die together, and we were hoping you...
127
00:04:22,553 --> 00:04:23,819
say no more.
128
00:04:23,821 --> 00:04:24,619
Yes.
129
00:04:24,621 --> 00:04:25,687
Great.
130
00:04:25,689 --> 00:04:27,723
We'd be honoured to be Billy's guardians.
131
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Oh...
132
00:04:30,060 --> 00:04:31,226
I was actually hoping...
133
00:04:31,228 --> 00:04:33,228
Here I was scared you came to see me
134
00:04:33,230 --> 00:04:34,396
for free legal advice.
135
00:04:34,398 --> 00:04:35,764
That would be...
136
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Terrible.
137
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Shameful.
138
00:04:37,668 --> 00:04:39,000
Embarrassing.
139
00:04:40,135 --> 00:04:42,403
Oh good, Janet's here.
140
00:04:42,405 --> 00:04:43,571
Michelle asked if we'd take care of
141
00:04:43,573 --> 00:04:45,073
Billy when they die!
142
00:04:45,075 --> 00:04:46,274
I mean, if.
143
00:04:46,276 --> 00:04:47,441
Wow.
144
00:04:47,443 --> 00:04:49,177
Feel free to say no.
145
00:04:49,179 --> 00:04:50,345
I'm touched.
146
00:04:50,347 --> 00:04:51,479
You don't have to be sarcastic mom.
147
00:04:51,481 --> 00:04:52,646
I'm not.
148
00:04:52,648 --> 00:04:54,249
Sometimes my sarcastic voice
149
00:04:54,251 --> 00:04:56,049
sounds like my touched voice.
150
00:04:56,051 --> 00:04:57,351
Oh, sorry.
151
00:04:57,353 --> 00:04:58,686
Now you're being sarcastic?
152
00:04:58,688 --> 00:04:59,587
My apology voice is the same as my
153
00:04:59,589 --> 00:05:00,988
sarcastic voice.
154
00:05:00,990 --> 00:05:02,222
Is the Internet working yet?
155
00:05:02,224 --> 00:05:02,823
No.
156
00:05:02,825 --> 00:05:03,891
Ugh!
157
00:05:03,893 --> 00:05:04,759
Fortunately, Ana's annoyed voice
158
00:05:04,761 --> 00:05:06,627
is distinct from her apology and
159
00:05:06,629 --> 00:05:07,895
sarcastic voice.
160
00:05:07,897 --> 00:05:09,930
Are you sure you don't want to think
161
00:05:09,932 --> 00:05:11,298
about this first?
162
00:05:11,300 --> 00:05:13,733
It's a huge responsibility...
163
00:05:13,735 --> 00:05:15,535
Clearly you and Zoey have given this a
164
00:05:15,537 --> 00:05:17,170
lot of thought.
165
00:05:17,172 --> 00:05:18,238
We would be honoured.
166
00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:20,073
And Jonathan can draw up the will!
167
00:05:20,075 --> 00:05:21,441
Oh I can't now.
168
00:05:21,443 --> 00:05:22,709
Conflict of interest.
169
00:05:22,711 --> 00:05:24,577
But I know a great lawyer who's
170
00:05:24,579 --> 00:05:27,381
very thorough, but expensive.
171
00:05:30,284 --> 00:05:31,618
That's great.
172
00:05:34,522 --> 00:05:36,355
Ok, let's get you up to speed on our
173
00:05:36,357 --> 00:05:38,357
lies to my mom: Charlie is Harry's baby
174
00:05:38,359 --> 00:05:41,327
by way of a tipsy encounter
after a church mixer.
175
00:05:41,329 --> 00:05:42,862
Damn you spiced eggnog.
176
00:05:42,864 --> 00:05:44,163
And then Harry proposed to me.
177
00:05:44,165 --> 00:05:45,331
Twice.
178
00:05:45,333 --> 00:05:47,433
Once after recovering
from a case of amnesia.
179
00:05:47,435 --> 00:05:49,936
Is this your life or a Mexican soap opera?
180
00:05:52,272 --> 00:05:54,106
Oh and Harry owns the bar, not you.
181
00:05:54,108 --> 00:05:55,408
What?!
182
00:05:55,410 --> 00:05:56,875
I can't be engaged to a bartender.
183
00:05:56,877 --> 00:05:58,110
How was your walk over, mom?
184
00:05:58,112 --> 00:05:59,127
Oh, it was lovely.
185
00:05:59,127 --> 00:06:01,113
Your fianc� and I had a long discussion
186
00:06:01,115 --> 00:06:02,180
about your wedding dress.
187
00:06:03,416 --> 00:06:06,117
Wear chiffon or you'll look hippy.
188
00:06:06,119 --> 00:06:08,386
And I love seeing your fianc�'s bar.
189
00:06:08,388 --> 00:06:10,121
Stop saying fianc�.
190
00:06:10,123 --> 00:06:11,022
Why?
191
00:06:11,024 --> 00:06:12,491
I've waited forever to say that.
192
00:06:12,493 --> 00:06:13,692
Fianc�.
193
00:06:13,694 --> 00:06:15,060
Rose has a fianc�.
194
00:06:15,062 --> 00:06:17,128
Rose's fianc� loves Beyonc�.
195
00:06:19,065 --> 00:06:20,498
Speaking of putting a ring on it,
196
00:06:20,500 --> 00:06:22,404
why aren't you wearing
your engagement ring?
197
00:06:25,771 --> 00:06:26,771
It's in my gym locker...
198
00:06:26,773 --> 00:06:27,939
It's being sized.
199
00:06:27,941 --> 00:06:29,841
My workout partner is a jeweler.
200
00:06:29,843 --> 00:06:32,543
He is going to adjust the size.
201
00:06:32,545 --> 00:06:33,578
Yeah.
202
00:06:33,580 --> 00:06:36,814
So how about the wedding menu?
203
00:06:36,816 --> 00:06:39,917
Why is your employee planning your wedding?
204
00:06:39,919 --> 00:06:40,918
Employee?
205
00:06:42,988 --> 00:06:44,922
Because Irene is...
206
00:06:47,192 --> 00:06:48,459
My maid of honor.
207
00:06:48,461 --> 00:06:49,393
I am?
208
00:06:49,395 --> 00:06:50,995
Yep. I told you weeks ago, bestie.
209
00:06:52,330 --> 00:06:54,098
I've just never been asked before,
210
00:06:54,100 --> 00:06:55,466
you know?
211
00:06:55,468 --> 00:06:57,601
To Harry and Rose!
212
00:06:57,603 --> 00:06:59,503
How about a kiss, fianc�s!
213
00:06:59,505 --> 00:07:00,504
Let's see it!
214
00:07:13,051 --> 00:07:14,851
Harry?
215
00:07:14,853 --> 00:07:15,519
Beth!
216
00:07:15,521 --> 00:07:16,219
Beth...
217
00:07:16,221 --> 00:07:17,687
The butcher?
218
00:07:17,689 --> 00:07:18,622
You said we couldn't hook up this week
219
00:07:18,624 --> 00:07:19,823
because you were out of town.
220
00:07:20,291 --> 00:07:21,691
Ugh!
221
00:07:21,693 --> 00:07:23,159
You're cheating on my daughter?
222
00:07:23,962 --> 00:07:25,194
Ow!
223
00:07:25,196 --> 00:07:25,995
How could you?
224
00:07:26,597 --> 00:07:27,397
Ah!
225
00:07:27,399 --> 00:07:28,364
Get out.
226
00:07:28,366 --> 00:07:29,132
You're ruining our wedding!
227
00:07:30,001 --> 00:07:32,468
Owww!
228
00:07:32,470 --> 00:07:36,772
Stop slapping!
229
00:07:36,774 --> 00:07:38,174
I can explain.
230
00:07:39,976 --> 00:07:41,644
Wait.
231
00:07:41,646 --> 00:07:42,978
Nope, I can't.
232
00:07:53,672 --> 00:07:54,516
How dare you?
233
00:07:54,856 --> 00:07:57,824
How dare you cheat on my daughter?
234
00:07:57,826 --> 00:08:00,894
Mom-mom listen.
235
00:08:00,896 --> 00:08:03,897
The truth is...
236
00:08:03,899 --> 00:08:05,832
I had a hunch Harry was cheating on me,
237
00:08:05,834 --> 00:08:08,702
but I stayed with him so that you'd
238
00:08:08,704 --> 00:08:09,836
approve of my life.
239
00:08:09,838 --> 00:08:10,937
Yeah! See.
240
00:08:10,939 --> 00:08:12,171
Wait. What?
241
00:08:12,173 --> 00:08:13,473
Really?
242
00:08:13,475 --> 00:08:17,911
Rosie, I'm heartbroken
to think that you'd have
243
00:08:17,913 --> 00:08:20,346
to lie to me.
244
00:08:20,348 --> 00:08:23,849
I promise I won't lie again.
245
00:08:23,851 --> 00:08:27,286
Now let's get away from
my cheating fianc�.
246
00:08:27,288 --> 00:08:28,421
Let's.
247
00:08:34,895 --> 00:08:36,161
You have to tell your mom I'm your
248
00:08:36,163 --> 00:08:37,496
sperm donor.
249
00:08:37,498 --> 00:08:39,064
Didn't you see how happy she was?
250
00:08:39,066 --> 00:08:40,099
It would break her heart to know I wasn't
251
00:08:40,101 --> 00:08:41,500
knocked up by a dirtbag.
252
00:08:41,502 --> 00:08:44,402
I don't want to be your scape-dirtbag.
253
00:08:44,404 --> 00:08:47,205
Yeah, I'll tell my mom the truth.
254
00:08:47,207 --> 00:08:48,974
Eventually.
255
00:08:48,976 --> 00:08:51,376
The important thing is I made mom cry for
256
00:08:51,378 --> 00:08:53,978
something other than shame.
257
00:08:56,782 --> 00:08:58,250
Thanks Harry.
258
00:09:05,592 --> 00:09:06,858
So how did the will thing go
259
00:09:06,860 --> 00:09:07,859
with Jonathan?
260
00:09:07,861 --> 00:09:09,060
Great!
261
00:09:09,062 --> 00:09:11,495
Just, a minor, minor problem.
262
00:09:11,497 --> 00:09:12,997
Janet and Jonathan think we want them
263
00:09:12,999 --> 00:09:15,767
to be Billy's guardians.
264
00:09:15,769 --> 00:09:18,602
That's funny.
265
00:09:18,604 --> 00:09:20,271
You set them straight though, right?
266
00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:24,475
Well-I didn't want Jonathan to think that
267
00:09:24,477 --> 00:09:26,177
I was asking for free legal help,
268
00:09:26,179 --> 00:09:28,546
so I said they could have Billy when
269
00:09:28,548 --> 00:09:29,746
we both die.
270
00:09:29,748 --> 00:09:30,314
If...
271
00:09:30,316 --> 00:09:31,248
Die?
272
00:09:31,250 --> 00:09:31,748
Both of you?
273
00:09:31,750 --> 00:09:33,116
Don't worry.
274
00:09:33,118 --> 00:09:34,285
Yeah, we're not going to die sweetie,
275
00:09:34,287 --> 00:09:35,152
we promise.
276
00:09:35,154 --> 00:09:36,187
You can't promise that.
277
00:09:36,189 --> 00:09:38,722
But don't worry, I'm on it.
278
00:09:40,392 --> 00:09:41,492
Let's just tell Jonathan and Janet
279
00:09:41,494 --> 00:09:42,926
it was a mistake.
280
00:09:42,928 --> 00:09:45,128
But you know, Billy would be in
281
00:09:45,130 --> 00:09:46,462
good hands with them.
282
00:09:46,464 --> 00:09:47,530
They're well off...
283
00:09:47,532 --> 00:09:48,699
we have completely different philosophies
284
00:09:48,701 --> 00:09:50,901
about, well, everything.
285
00:09:50,903 --> 00:09:52,268
Sure. Sure.
286
00:09:52,270 --> 00:09:54,404
But they have money.
287
00:09:54,406 --> 00:09:55,739
Harry would be devastated.
288
00:09:55,741 --> 00:09:57,440
He thinks he's Billy's guardian.
289
00:09:57,442 --> 00:09:58,841
Let's just not tell him.
290
00:09:58,843 --> 00:10:02,111
By the time he finds out, we'll be dead.
291
00:10:02,113 --> 00:10:03,179
I'm keeping you safe, moms!
292
00:10:03,181 --> 00:10:07,350
You don't have to worry about dying.
293
00:10:07,352 --> 00:10:09,586
Gonna put these pillows at
the bottom of the stairs.
294
00:10:09,588 --> 00:10:10,920
Safety first!
295
00:10:15,592 --> 00:10:17,193
What's your deal?
296
00:10:17,195 --> 00:10:19,028
It's my night with Charlie but I can't
297
00:10:19,030 --> 00:10:20,229
see him because rose's mom thinks
298
00:10:20,231 --> 00:10:21,263
I'm a lying deadbeat because I'm not
299
00:10:21,265 --> 00:10:24,200
pretending to marry Rose anymore.
300
00:10:24,202 --> 00:10:25,300
Could be worse.
301
00:10:25,302 --> 00:10:26,836
We still don't have wifi.
302
00:10:26,838 --> 00:10:28,403
But I've been hooking up my
303
00:10:28,405 --> 00:10:29,739
computer to my smart phone.
304
00:10:29,741 --> 00:10:30,706
Data charges add up.
305
00:10:30,708 --> 00:10:32,006
You should check your usage.
306
00:10:32,008 --> 00:10:33,108
You can do that?
307
00:10:33,110 --> 00:10:35,043
Technology is crazy.
308
00:10:39,249 --> 00:10:40,181
Oh my God.
309
00:10:40,183 --> 00:10:41,416
Seventy five dollars?
310
00:10:41,418 --> 00:10:44,052
Um, seven hundred and fifty dollars.
311
00:10:44,054 --> 00:10:45,254
My parents are gonna kill me.
312
00:10:45,256 --> 00:10:46,722
They'll take away my phone!
313
00:10:46,724 --> 00:10:48,923
What will I do with no Internet?
314
00:10:48,925 --> 00:10:52,060
You could always go outside.
315
00:11:00,270 --> 00:11:03,104
Mom, I have to tell you something.
316
00:11:03,106 --> 00:11:03,838
Okay.
317
00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:04,972
What is it?
318
00:11:06,107 --> 00:11:07,207
I have a friend who went to a
319
00:11:07,209 --> 00:11:08,609
sperm donor clinic...
320
00:11:08,611 --> 00:11:10,978
On the way to the nut house?
321
00:11:10,980 --> 00:11:12,946
Why would anybody do that?
322
00:11:12,948 --> 00:11:14,582
And that word.
323
00:11:14,584 --> 00:11:16,049
Sperm.
324
00:11:16,051 --> 00:11:18,018
Ah, lots of people do it.
325
00:11:18,020 --> 00:11:22,189
Infertile couples, lesbians,
single women like my friend.
326
00:11:22,191 --> 00:11:24,224
Okay, but if you're unhitched,
327
00:11:24,226 --> 00:11:25,292
you wait for the right man
328
00:11:25,294 --> 00:11:26,359
to come along.
329
00:11:26,361 --> 00:11:27,961
You don't have a baby first.
330
00:11:27,963 --> 00:11:29,462
It's crazy and sad.
331
00:11:29,464 --> 00:11:32,266
It's not crazy or sad!
332
00:11:32,268 --> 00:11:34,768
Honey, raising a child alone is tough.
333
00:11:34,770 --> 00:11:36,036
I've seen it on TV.
334
00:11:36,038 --> 00:11:38,171
I mean, Murphy Brown, Grace under Fire.
335
00:11:38,173 --> 00:11:39,673
That's not easy.
336
00:11:39,675 --> 00:11:41,040
I have friends to help.
337
00:11:41,042 --> 00:11:42,175
I'll be fine.
338
00:11:42,177 --> 00:11:43,510
Well don't take any advice from your
339
00:11:43,512 --> 00:11:44,877
friend at the sperm clinic.
340
00:11:44,879 --> 00:11:47,280
She's deranged or something.
341
00:11:47,282 --> 00:11:49,549
She is not deranged!
342
00:11:49,551 --> 00:11:51,250
You need family.
343
00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:52,419
Like me.
344
00:11:52,421 --> 00:11:54,520
And I'm staying.
345
00:11:54,522 --> 00:11:57,456
For as long as you'll have me.
346
00:11:57,458 --> 00:11:59,822
And can we not use that sperm word anymore.
347
00:12:01,489 --> 00:12:03,679
I'm going to take Charlie for a walk.
348
00:12:06,234 --> 00:12:07,733
Do you think we said yes
to being Billy's guardians
349
00:12:07,735 --> 00:12:08,935
too quickly?
350
00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:12,003
I mean, having a ward
is a big responsibility.
351
00:12:12,005 --> 00:12:13,372
Look at Batman.
352
00:12:13,374 --> 00:12:15,341
And why did they even ask us?
353
00:12:15,343 --> 00:12:16,809
Doesn't it seem strange to you?
354
00:12:16,811 --> 00:12:17,710
It's a bit desperate.
355
00:12:17,712 --> 00:12:18,944
Don't they have any friends?
356
00:12:18,946 --> 00:12:19,945
Family?
357
00:12:19,947 --> 00:12:22,481
Or is it that we're such amazing parents
358
00:12:22,483 --> 00:12:24,750
that really, we were the only choice?
359
00:12:24,752 --> 00:12:26,969
We are very, very good parents.
360
00:12:27,921 --> 00:12:30,288
And this other YouTube
video had a cute cat.
361
00:12:30,290 --> 00:12:32,757
Ugh, I'm missing out on all the world news.
362
00:12:32,759 --> 00:12:34,025
Is the Internet working yet?
363
00:12:34,027 --> 00:12:35,626
No, sorry sweetie.
364
00:12:35,628 --> 00:12:37,595
You are awful parents.
365
00:12:37,597 --> 00:12:39,264
Zoey and Michelle don't think so.
366
00:12:39,266 --> 00:12:41,399
They named us Billy's guardians.
367
00:12:41,401 --> 00:12:42,667
Whoa.
368
00:12:42,669 --> 00:12:44,335
I'm Billy's guardian.
369
00:12:44,337 --> 00:12:45,570
Nope.
370
00:12:45,572 --> 00:12:46,904
Hey!
371
00:12:46,906 --> 00:12:48,072
You told Jonathan and Janet that
372
00:12:48,074 --> 00:12:49,306
they're Billy's guardians?
373
00:12:49,308 --> 00:12:51,876
Wait, are we dead and I don't know it yet?
374
00:12:51,878 --> 00:12:53,944
Look, Harry, it was a mistake, but-
375
00:12:53,946 --> 00:12:56,113
Janet and Jonathan are rich.
376
00:12:57,583 --> 00:12:59,617
I vote we put this
whole will thing on hold.
377
00:12:59,619 --> 00:13:01,418
We don't need a will right this second.
378
00:13:01,420 --> 00:13:02,586
You're right.
379
00:13:02,588 --> 00:13:04,421
What's the harm in delaying?
380
00:13:04,423 --> 00:13:05,055
Whoa!
381
00:13:08,527 --> 00:13:09,659
Oh my universe.
382
00:13:09,661 --> 00:13:10,761
Oh, are you okay?
383
00:13:10,763 --> 00:13:11,728
Yeah.
384
00:13:11,730 --> 00:13:12,930
I tripped on a hockey helmet.
385
00:13:12,932 --> 00:13:14,064
Owww.
386
00:13:14,066 --> 00:13:15,232
And a pillow.
387
00:13:15,234 --> 00:13:17,401
I should drive you to the hospital.
388
00:13:17,403 --> 00:13:18,368
Can you stay with Billy?
389
00:13:18,370 --> 00:13:19,436
Of course, ya.
390
00:13:19,438 --> 00:13:20,370
I'll just hang here until school's over.
391
00:13:26,043 --> 00:13:27,143
I really don't think you should
392
00:13:27,145 --> 00:13:28,177
be driving babe.
393
00:13:28,179 --> 00:13:29,646
It's just a little wooziness.
394
00:13:29,648 --> 00:13:30,447
Blurred vision.
395
00:13:30,449 --> 00:13:31,481
Touch of vertigo.
396
00:13:31,483 --> 00:13:33,449
But I still think that I should drive.
397
00:13:33,451 --> 00:13:35,651
I'm not that bad of a driver!
398
00:13:35,653 --> 00:13:36,485
I'm fine.
399
00:13:38,056 --> 00:13:38,988
Ok, I'm not fine.
400
00:13:42,159 --> 00:13:44,627
I guess you can drive.
401
00:13:49,401 --> 00:13:50,566
What the?
402
00:13:55,005 --> 00:13:55,971
Hi Rose.
403
00:13:55,973 --> 00:13:57,640
No one is here to pick me up.
404
00:13:57,642 --> 00:14:00,242
My moms and Harry aren't
answering their phones.
405
00:14:00,244 --> 00:14:01,610
Can you come and get me?
406
00:14:01,612 --> 00:14:03,512
I think you have the wrong number.
407
00:14:03,514 --> 00:14:04,413
Who are you?
408
00:14:04,415 --> 00:14:05,748
You don't sound like Rose.
409
00:14:05,750 --> 00:14:07,382
You sound like an old lady.
410
00:14:07,384 --> 00:14:09,051
Old?
411
00:14:09,053 --> 00:14:10,986
I'm Rose's mom.
412
00:14:10,988 --> 00:14:11,853
She's not here.
413
00:14:11,855 --> 00:14:12,754
Oh.
414
00:14:12,756 --> 00:14:15,157
I'm Rose's sperm-nephew.
415
00:14:15,159 --> 00:14:16,591
Sperm nephew?
416
00:14:16,593 --> 00:14:17,525
Yeah.
417
00:14:17,527 --> 00:14:18,360
I came from Harry's sperm.
418
00:14:18,362 --> 00:14:19,694
Just like Charlie.
419
00:14:19,696 --> 00:14:21,296
We're
sperm-half-bros.
420
00:14:21,298 --> 00:14:24,398
So you're my
sperm-great-aunt?
421
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:25,767
Or sperm grandma is fine.
422
00:14:25,769 --> 00:14:26,901
No... you shouldn't be saying that
423
00:14:26,903 --> 00:14:28,837
sperm word so much.
424
00:14:28,839 --> 00:14:31,105
Just come get me and I will explain it
425
00:14:31,107 --> 00:14:32,841
all on the drive.
426
00:14:34,810 --> 00:14:37,002
Old people.
427
00:14:39,342 --> 00:14:41,255
It was just a fender bender.
428
00:14:41,345 --> 00:14:42,645
X-rays were clear.
429
00:14:42,647 --> 00:14:44,146
Your moms are gonna be fine, buddy.
430
00:14:44,148 --> 00:14:46,582
And even finer with all this free jello!
431
00:14:46,584 --> 00:14:49,151
They're so lucky.
432
00:14:49,153 --> 00:14:50,152
Yup. Lucky.
433
00:14:50,154 --> 00:14:52,321
Thanks for bringing him, Wendy.
434
00:14:52,323 --> 00:14:53,723
Well, Rose wasn't home.
435
00:14:53,725 --> 00:14:55,658
And even though I don't know the boy
436
00:14:55,660 --> 00:14:57,259
I can't leave him there, stranded.
437
00:14:57,261 --> 00:14:58,560
I'm not a deadbeat.
438
00:14:58,562 --> 00:15:01,030
I'm not a deadbeat either!
439
00:15:01,032 --> 00:15:02,398
Billy!
440
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:03,832
We're here for you.
441
00:15:03,834 --> 00:15:04,733
Are you his parents?
442
00:15:04,735 --> 00:15:05,801
I'm Rose's mom.
443
00:15:05,803 --> 00:15:07,303
No, but we're soon to be named
444
00:15:07,305 --> 00:15:09,771
guardians in Billy's motherses' will.
445
00:15:09,773 --> 00:15:12,341
Billy's parents are the lesbians.
446
00:15:12,343 --> 00:15:13,442
Lesbians?
447
00:15:13,444 --> 00:15:13,942
Oh my God.
448
00:15:13,944 --> 00:15:14,976
What next?
449
00:15:14,978 --> 00:15:15,944
Listen.
450
00:15:15,946 --> 00:15:16,812
Nothing has been finalized about
451
00:15:16,814 --> 00:15:18,079
the whole guardian thing.
452
00:15:18,081 --> 00:15:20,682
Billy, my ward, don't you worry.
453
00:15:20,684 --> 00:15:22,451
Everything's under control.
454
00:15:22,453 --> 00:15:25,520
Yeah, everything's under control.
455
00:15:25,522 --> 00:15:28,523
You're going to spill my jello.
456
00:15:32,594 --> 00:15:33,328
Hey dad.
457
00:15:33,330 --> 00:15:34,295
Hi.
458
00:15:34,297 --> 00:15:34,963
I'm going to go grab a coffee.
459
00:15:34,965 --> 00:15:35,729
Ok.
460
00:15:35,731 --> 00:15:36,931
Bye.
461
00:15:36,933 --> 00:15:39,200
So you all used Harry to conceive?
462
00:15:39,202 --> 00:15:40,835
I was kinda hoping the sperm boy's tales
463
00:15:40,837 --> 00:15:42,370
weren't true actually.
464
00:15:42,372 --> 00:15:45,039
Yes-Rose, Michelle,
Zoey, us-we're all
465
00:15:45,041 --> 00:15:46,707
linked by Harry's sperm.
466
00:15:46,709 --> 00:15:49,109
Wow, you like to use that word a lot.
467
00:15:51,145 --> 00:15:53,046
We both have whiplash?
468
00:15:53,048 --> 00:15:54,348
I feel like the punch line to a
469
00:15:54,350 --> 00:15:56,283
lesbian sex joke.
470
00:15:56,285 --> 00:15:57,651
This is a wake up call.
471
00:15:57,653 --> 00:15:58,919
We need to figure out our wills.
472
00:15:58,921 --> 00:16:00,220
Now.
473
00:16:00,222 --> 00:16:01,822
I mean, maybe we should stick with
474
00:16:01,824 --> 00:16:02,490
Janet and Jonathan.
475
00:16:02,492 --> 00:16:03,790
Babe, they're rich.
476
00:16:03,792 --> 00:16:04,491
They want Billy.
477
00:16:04,493 --> 00:16:05,993
Done.
478
00:16:05,995 --> 00:16:07,427
We're glad you guys are okay,
479
00:16:07,429 --> 00:16:09,762
but we we're ready to take Billy
480
00:16:09,764 --> 00:16:11,264
if need be.
481
00:16:11,266 --> 00:16:13,166
Yes, we should sign those papers.
482
00:16:13,168 --> 00:16:14,868
And since you'll be Billy's guardians,
483
00:16:14,870 --> 00:16:18,205
we'd be happy to be Anastasia's!
484
00:16:21,209 --> 00:16:24,944
We... appreciate the offer.
485
00:16:24,946 --> 00:16:28,080
But I have parents.
486
00:16:28,082 --> 00:16:29,348
And friends.
487
00:16:29,350 --> 00:16:31,150
And co-workers.
488
00:16:31,152 --> 00:16:33,119
So you can take Billy, but heaven forbid
489
00:16:33,121 --> 00:16:35,254
we take Anastasia?
490
00:16:35,256 --> 00:16:36,422
No no no, don't be upset.
491
00:16:36,424 --> 00:16:39,892
It's just that Ana is
really precious to us.
492
00:16:39,894 --> 00:16:42,128
And you don't think Billy's precious to us?
493
00:16:42,130 --> 00:16:44,696
It's just that Anastasia needs
494
00:16:44,698 --> 00:16:46,765
a firm hand.
495
00:16:46,767 --> 00:16:48,167
She didn't float through her life
496
00:16:48,169 --> 00:16:50,302
making collages out of moss.
497
00:16:50,304 --> 00:16:50,936
Hold on!
498
00:17:01,281 --> 00:17:02,514
If we're not good enough for you,
499
00:17:02,516 --> 00:17:04,315
you're not good enough for us.
500
00:17:04,317 --> 00:17:06,351
And if we weren't in these stupid beds,
501
00:17:06,353 --> 00:17:08,153
we'd storm out of here.
502
00:17:08,155 --> 00:17:09,220
Well then, I guess we'll
503
00:17:09,222 --> 00:17:10,755
storm out of here instead.
504
00:17:10,757 --> 00:17:13,425
You'll have Ana over our dead bodies.
505
00:17:14,626 --> 00:17:15,826
You won't.
506
00:17:23,370 --> 00:17:27,326
Hey Rose, if you ever need me to babysit
little Charlie, I'm just a phone call away.
507
00:17:27,473 --> 00:17:28,005
That's sweet.
508
00:17:28,007 --> 00:17:28,873
Thanks Ana.
509
00:17:28,875 --> 00:17:29,974
I'll just need seven hundred and
510
00:17:29,976 --> 00:17:31,075
fifty dollars up front.
511
00:17:31,077 --> 00:17:31,876
Great.
512
00:17:31,878 --> 00:17:32,810
What?
513
00:17:32,812 --> 00:17:34,045
I seriously jacked up my phone bill.
514
00:17:34,047 --> 00:17:35,345
My mom's going to kill me.
515
00:17:36,782 --> 00:17:38,649
I'm in trouble with my mom too.
516
00:17:38,651 --> 00:17:39,349
How can you be in trouble?
517
00:17:39,351 --> 00:17:40,618
You're old.
518
00:17:40,620 --> 00:17:42,486
I'm not-
519
00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:45,855
I'm in trouble because I purposely
520
00:17:45,857 --> 00:17:47,291
had a baby out of wedlock with
521
00:17:47,293 --> 00:17:49,859
a sperm donor and didn't tell my mom.
522
00:17:49,861 --> 00:17:51,462
Yeah, yours is worse, I guess.
523
00:17:51,464 --> 00:17:52,896
I assumed by the time I was your age,
524
00:17:52,898 --> 00:17:55,899
I'd get along with my mother.
525
00:17:55,901 --> 00:17:57,534
If you want to avoid having the kind of
526
00:17:57,536 --> 00:17:59,102
relationship my mom and I have -
527
00:17:59,104 --> 00:18:01,605
and believe me, you do -
528
00:18:01,607 --> 00:18:04,874
do yourself a favour and tell the truth.
529
00:18:04,876 --> 00:18:05,909
I will.
530
00:18:05,911 --> 00:18:07,777
Oh, can I borrow seven hundred and
531
00:18:07,779 --> 00:18:08,778
fifty dollars?
532
00:18:08,780 --> 00:18:10,379
It's for school.
533
00:18:13,017 --> 00:18:13,950
Maybe it's better I'm not your
534
00:18:13,952 --> 00:18:15,184
"real parent."
535
00:18:15,186 --> 00:18:17,487
Rose and Anastasia don't like their mom.
536
00:18:17,489 --> 00:18:19,755
I hate my dad.
537
00:18:21,158 --> 00:18:22,425
I'm afraid the same thing could
538
00:18:22,427 --> 00:18:23,926
happen to us.
539
00:18:23,928 --> 00:18:28,364
I will always like you, even if I hate you.
540
00:18:28,366 --> 00:18:29,332
I promise.
541
00:18:33,803 --> 00:18:34,870
You're Billy's guardian.
542
00:18:34,872 --> 00:18:35,938
It's final.
543
00:18:35,940 --> 00:18:38,507
Yes! Billy! Up top!
544
00:18:38,509 --> 00:18:40,776
I thought you didn't
want to be my real parent.
545
00:18:40,778 --> 00:18:42,244
Of course I do.
546
00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:44,780
That was just loser talk.
547
00:18:44,782 --> 00:18:47,750
Let's make a pact to never die.
548
00:18:49,452 --> 00:18:50,918
Ooh! There's free wifi here.
549
00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:52,621
There's something wrong with ours at home.
550
00:18:52,623 --> 00:18:54,956
Ah, I changed the password so Anastasia
551
00:18:54,958 --> 00:18:56,591
would spend more time with us.
552
00:18:56,593 --> 00:18:57,759
Well that's okay, I've being running
553
00:18:57,761 --> 00:18:58,993
my computer off of my phone Internet
554
00:18:58,995 --> 00:19:00,395
which is from the air.
555
00:19:00,397 --> 00:19:02,864
Jonathan, data charges add up.
556
00:19:02,866 --> 00:19:04,199
Look!
557
00:19:04,201 --> 00:19:05,867
Our phone bill is over seven hundred and
558
00:19:05,869 --> 00:19:07,135
fifty dollars!
559
00:19:07,137 --> 00:19:08,469
But... I only watched
the first five seasons
560
00:19:08,471 --> 00:19:10,304
of Murphy Brown.
561
00:19:10,306 --> 00:19:13,107
Mom, dad. I'm very sorry.
562
00:19:13,109 --> 00:19:14,642
For not wanting to spend family time
563
00:19:14,644 --> 00:19:15,509
with us?
564
00:19:15,511 --> 00:19:16,610
No. Ew.
565
00:19:16,612 --> 00:19:17,979
I meant since we didn't have wifi I
566
00:19:17,981 --> 00:19:20,447
racked up some data charges...
567
00:19:20,449 --> 00:19:21,882
Oh, no sweetie, that was...
568
00:19:21,884 --> 00:19:23,317
unacceptable.
569
00:19:23,319 --> 00:19:25,386
But to make up for it let's go for a
570
00:19:25,388 --> 00:19:26,753
family dinner, just you,
571
00:19:26,755 --> 00:19:28,189
me and mom.
572
00:19:28,191 --> 00:19:30,491
I love all those things.
573
00:19:35,230 --> 00:19:36,397
Hey.
574
00:19:36,399 --> 00:19:37,398
Hi.
575
00:19:39,366 --> 00:19:40,801
No more lies.
576
00:19:40,803 --> 00:19:42,535
I'm happy I used a sperm donor.
577
00:19:42,537 --> 00:19:44,304
I have a beautiful baby, a great life,
578
00:19:44,306 --> 00:19:45,338
I just got a raise.
579
00:19:45,340 --> 00:19:46,606
Okay, I didn't get a raise.
580
00:19:46,608 --> 00:19:47,507
I don't know why I said that.
581
00:19:47,509 --> 00:19:48,641
But the rest is true.
582
00:19:48,643 --> 00:19:51,945
Honey, I want you to be happy.
583
00:19:51,947 --> 00:19:54,847
I just hate to see you struggle is all.
584
00:19:54,849 --> 00:19:57,116
Putting off having a baby would have been
585
00:19:57,118 --> 00:19:58,418
a bigger struggle.
586
00:19:58,420 --> 00:20:01,754
Charlie completes my life.
587
00:20:01,756 --> 00:20:03,289
I'm glad you have this good,
588
00:20:03,291 --> 00:20:06,392
albeit strange, family.
589
00:20:07,461 --> 00:20:10,796
Wendy, I have something to say.
590
00:20:10,798 --> 00:20:13,199
I am a good father to Charlie!
591
00:20:13,201 --> 00:20:15,534
Now, Rose and I may not be a couple but
592
00:20:15,536 --> 00:20:17,703
I will always be here for Charlie,
593
00:20:17,705 --> 00:20:20,339
just like I am for Billy and Anastasia.
594
00:20:20,341 --> 00:20:22,341
And we may have a crazy messed up
595
00:20:22,343 --> 00:20:24,576
family that isn't joined by blood,
596
00:20:24,578 --> 00:20:28,012
but we are joined by sperm.
597
00:20:28,014 --> 00:20:29,214
Sperm, Wendy.
598
00:20:31,050 --> 00:20:32,050
Sperm.
599
00:20:34,454 --> 00:20:37,456
I know you're a good man Harry.
600
00:20:43,631 --> 00:20:44,595
Wow.
601
00:20:44,597 --> 00:20:45,596
My speech was kinda rambly.
602
00:20:45,598 --> 00:20:48,800
I can't believe it worked so well!
603
00:20:55,994 --> 00:20:57,660
When Harry's my guardian
I will never have to eat
604
00:20:57,662 --> 00:20:59,628
kale again.
605
00:20:59,630 --> 00:21:02,228
You realize we'd be dead, right?
606
00:21:03,668 --> 00:21:04,834
I love kale!
607
00:21:09,073 --> 00:21:11,807
All I'm saying is that women outlive men,
608
00:21:11,809 --> 00:21:12,908
and I don't want to share your money
609
00:21:12,910 --> 00:21:14,509
with some charity.
610
00:21:14,511 --> 00:21:17,279
What if I need to quell
my grief through travel?
611
00:21:17,281 --> 00:21:19,748
Fine, but if you go
first, I'm getting a boat.
612
00:21:21,084 --> 00:21:23,218
Also for sadness.
613
00:21:24,587 --> 00:21:25,787
Your mom's even better looking in
614
00:21:25,789 --> 00:21:27,189
real life than on Skype.
615
00:21:27,191 --> 00:21:28,556
Gross. Don't.
616
00:21:28,558 --> 00:21:30,308
No, I mean, when you're all
617
00:21:30,852 --> 00:21:33,222
old and crazy and impossible to get
618
00:21:33,222 --> 00:21:33,795
along with, at least you'll
619
00:21:33,797 --> 00:21:35,162
still be hot.
620
00:21:36,399 --> 00:21:37,499
Thanks?
621
00:21:38,884 --> 00:21:43,078
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