Original subtitles

It is to the United Nations that this film

is affectionately dedicated.

If the United Nations didn't exist,

men would consider it an impossible dream.

Because it does exist, men often abuse it.

That is human nature.

This is a story about human nature...

its dreams...

its violence,

its power of reason.

Uh, gentlemen, we will resume the voting.

Iceland. No.

India. No.

Indonesia. No.

Iran. Uh, yes.

Iraq. Yes.

Ireland. Yes.

Israel. No.

Italy. S�.

Japan. Oh, yeah.

Jordan. Yes.

Laos. No.

Lebanon.

Liberia. Uh, no.

Libya. No.

Luxemburg. Uh... yes.

Mexico. S�.

Morocco. No.

Nepal. No.

Netherlands. Yes.

New Zealand. Yes.

Nicaragua. No.

Norway. Yes.

Pakistan. Yes.

Panama. No.

Paraguay. No.

Peru. Uh, no.

Philippines. Yes.

Poland. No.

Portugal.

Romania. No.

Saudi Arabia. No.

Spain. S�.

Sudan. No.

Sweden. Uh, yes.

Thailand. Yes.

Tunisia. No.

Turkey. Turkey!

Yes.

Ukraine. No.

United Arab Republic. No.

Union of South Africa.

Yes.

Soviet Union. No.

United Kingdom. Uh, yes.

United States. Yes.

Uruguay. S�.

Venezuela. S�.

Yemen. No.

Yugoslavia. No.

Distinguished delegates, there's no need to count the votes,

since once again, every nation has voted precisely as it did

on the last six occasions.

The deadlock continues.

Concordia.

There's a chance. Uh, I am, I am.

Tsk.

Um, Concordia, sir.

Concordia? What is Concordia? I don't know. I'm afraid...

But it should be on the list, sir.

Concordia?

Where's Concordia?

I'll be brief.

Mr. President, distinguished delegates,

the Republic of Concordia has not voted previously

for the very simple reason that we have been unable to catch the eye of the chair.

We realize to the full

our responsibility in this matter,

since we have it in our power to end this deadlock.

However, in spite of the great eloquence

of the United States delegate

and the surprisingly similar eloquence

of the delegate of the Soviet Union...

I haven't been able to understand what on earth we're all talking about.

Hear, hear.

And in view of the fact that, in our opinion,

the amendment to the amendment of the amendment

of the draft resolution is incomprehensible,

my delegation regretfully abstains.

Who are you, sir? I'm the president of Concordia.

Smile, please. Why? I have no reason to.

Where is Concordia? Why should I tell you?

The reason it still survives may be because no one can find it.

Albrecht Frucht, Neues Mainzer Abendblatt.

Are you in favor of German rearmament?

German rearmament? My government was opposed to German armament

at the time of the First Crusade.

You mean you never had territorial ambitions?

In an atomic age, sir, it's wiser to remain a small target.

To the airport as quickly as possible.

We've got to get out of here before the Americans have time to offer us aid.

Who's the character?

He's the president of Concordia.

That's the president? Yes.

From the looks of him, he wouldn't get many votes if he ran over here.

No, he wouldn't.

But still, he gives Dad a lot of headaches. Oh?

Well...

Well, don't work too hard.

There's never any fear of that.

Freddie, isn't there anything you wanna say to me?

Oh, sure. Give my kind regards to your mother and father.

Freddie, I love you.

Gee, uh, that's sweet of you.

Hey, wait for me!

Stop the plane, Joseph!

What? I don't think I can.

You must. It's Miss Juliet, the American ambassador's daughter.

I love you too!

Freddie?

That's mine.

Hi!

Hi.

Oh, hi. Yes.

Now, what are you doing here, Miss Juliet?

Well, I'm joining my parents during the university vacation.

Ah. Here's my ticket.

Yours? Yes.

You mean you paid for this trip?

Please, sit down anywhere.

Okay, EL-AL Flight 961.

Come in on Number 9 runway.

Sorry, Air France 718. We'll bring you in presently.

EL-AL, go up again! Don't land yet!

Don't land yet!

There's a maniac down here taking off.

Maniac!

Which way are we going, Joseph?

Are we in a hurry? Oh, very much so.

I must get back. It's Independence Day tomorrow night.

Yes, I must be with my people when the ax falls.

I'm afraid, Miss Juliet, I've stirred up a hornets' nest in Washington.

It seems preposterous that, with all our technological know-how,

we can allow an entire country to get lost.

Have they an embassy here? I'm told they have a nominal embassy here, sir.

It's a furnished attic room on Z Street,

but the rent hasn't been paid for a year.

The FBI told me the landlord doesn't know whom to sue.

Well, if we can't call their ambassador here, we'll call our ambassador there.

But are you sure, sir, that we have an embassy there?

That's one mistake we've never made.

We have embassies every place.

And we're going to pour aid in there

till they appreciate the advantages of the democratic way of life!

We even pay their rent in Washington, if necessary.

Hello? Hello? Paris, France.

I have an urgent call for Concordia.

The number's Concordia 2.

Hello, Washington? Paris...

Two, did you say? One, two?

All right, all right, all right.

Hello, hello, hello.

Concordian National Telephone System.

The American Embassy? Just a moment, please?

Embassy of the Soviet Union.

Washington? Calling the American ambassador?

I'll pay 200 crowns to listen in.

Five hundred. Two-fifty.

Five hundred.

Three hundred. Not a crown more.

Five hundred.

All right. Five hundred.

Capitalist.

I've got it.

Hello?

Washington? Are you sure?

Hooper, it's Washington for you.

What kind of practical joke is this?

All I ever got from Washington was a Christmas card.

In July.

Oh, Beulah.

I'm sorry, dear.

Hello.

Beulah, pass me my robe. It's the Secretary of State.

Wow. Yeah.

Yes, sir?

Uh, now listen.

What's his name? Hooper, sir.

Who? Oh, Hooper.

Moulsworth, A. Hooper, born June...

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Are you there, Hooper?

Good to hear your voice again.

Now listen.

Even a country five miles square

has a vote equal to that of the United States.

He did? Abstained?

Almost a deadlock he could've ended?

I'll say I understand.

We need that vote!

The Russians want that vote as bad as we do.

We can't afford to be caught with our pants down.

What are conditions like out there?

Conditions don't change much here, sir.

I don't think they've changed since the Romans left.

Since the Romans left? When was that?

What? Oh, I don't know the exact date, sir.

Before I sent you out there?

Oh, sure. The ancient Romans.

The ancient Romans?

Mark him down for a medical check when he comes home on leave.

Are you there, Hooper? Now listen.

Yeah. Yeah. I understand.

Oil. Uranium. Bridges. Schools.

Last year's missiles. Anything they may want.

Well, good-bye, and thanks a lot.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

You forgot to ask him where Concordia is.

Hello. I want the number in Moscow, urgently.

Just a moment, please.

I'll get it.

It might be for me. Nah.

Hello?

The Soviet embassy's going to talk to Moscow?

I'll pay 500 crowns.

A thousand.

A thousand? Are you crazy?

A thousand. Okay, okay. A thousand.

I knew you'd see reason. Hold on.

Da?

Randle!

## Randle!

What's up?

Come down here. Bring your Russian grammar.

The Soviet ambassador's talking to Moscow.

## Papa,telefon.

Papa,eta Moskva.

Moskva? Da.

Aahh...

Mama, eta Moskva na telefon. Moskva?

Moskva.

Sit down.

I'm all wet, sir. Never mind.

Da, da.

Da.

Da?

Shh!

Da.

Da, da, da, da...

"No effort must be spared

"to bring Concordia into the Soviet orbit.

"Offer them tractors,

"grain from the Ukraine,

"a power plant.

"We will even send them the...

Bolshoi Ballet"?

So it's come to this... total peace.

Beulah, we are not in this country for our own enjoyment.

You can say that again. I'll ignore that crack and tell you yet again...

Now, you listen to me, Hooper Moulsworth.

...that you'd better behave like an ambassador's wife.

When I married you, you were a respectable businessman,

with limited but decent ambitions.

Then you got bitten by politics. A sense of duty, a sense of duty.

All this because I asked you to dance with the president tonight.

Once and for all, the president can't dance.

In that case, my dear, you will teach him.

Julie, baby! Welcome home!

Julie! Ooh, it's so good to see you. Hi.

Well, it's nice to see you both so... happy.

How'd you get here? There's no plane connection till tomorrow.

I flew Concordian.

Are you crazy? In that deathtrap!

You mean, you traveled with the president? I told you...

Sure. He said he sure stirred up a hornets' nest in Washington.

He's a doll.

Before I forget, uh,

here's this home chemistry set I brought for your son.

Oh, thank you! But how could you afford it?

Well, it does have a slight defect in it,

and I found it for 98 cents in a supermarket.

Ninety-eight cents? That's almost a dollar.

- No. Uh-uh. - Oh, oh...

Well, one can hide nothing from you and your switchboard.

Well, after all, it was because of my switchboard

that you made me Minister of Foreign Affairs.

No, it's because you have the intelligence to make use

of what you hear on your switchboard.

That's why we made you Minister of Foreign Affairs, Otto.

What shall we do if the powers pour aid in here?

Refuse it.

The Order of Odilo the Wise, please, Otto.

First or second class? In moments of crisis, both.

Refuse aid? But you know how poor our people are.

Our entire wealth is composed of liquor,

a few Japanese cameras, and a library of forbidden books

confiscated by the Customs.

Our entire income is derived from deliberately printing stamps with defects in them.

And by now, even the philatelists are growing suspicious.

Under these circumstances, how can you ask our people to refuse aid?

Otto, for many centuries now, we have survived by paying each other in bad money.

Once all money is bad, it's as good as good money.

However, mix the two, and we will find out for the first time in our history

just how poor we really are.

I'll be blunt about this, Otto.

We're so poor we can't afford aid.

Ah, now you're unhappy. Why?

Well, I hate to say this,

but why did you have to abstain at the United Nations?

Nobody would've noticed which way we voted.

We could've remained unknown and happy.

Otto, my gloves, please.

The pair without the holes in them.

Both pairs have holes in them.

In that case, either pair will do.

His Excellency the American Ambassador and family.

Shall we dance? Oh, sure. Go ahead.

His Excellency the Chinese Ambassador and Madam Wang Chin Chow.

Good evening, Bartholomew. His Excellency the President

of the Concordian Republic.

Now.

What do you mean by that?

Ask him to dance.

Are you out of your mind?

Heavens, Beulah, you're an instrument of United States policy tonight.

Namaste.

I'd dance with him myself if I could.

Here?

The Ukraine must be very big.

Oh, no.

What a happy coincidence.

Yes, isn't it? Yes, I have a very important date. I have a...

In honor of the Feast of National Independence,

the Soviet government would like to make you a gift...

a million bushels of grain.

That's very kind of you, Your Excellence, but where would we put it?

I mean, ours is a small country.

With all that grain, there wouldn't be any more room for the people.

Well, it could be spread over several years.

But why this generosity?

I wish to show you the advantages of the Eastern Bloc.

Let us send you the Bolshoi Ballet.

Hmm? More than a hundred dancers,

Tchaikovsky's music... Full orchestra.

Full orchestra. Well, it's...

But they'd take up even more room than the grain,

and you can hardly spread them over several years.

Yes, yes.

Now.

And play to win.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself, Mr. President?

A wallflower at your own ball.

Oh, shall we dance? Oh, I'd love to.

Forgive me.

You are not to be trusted, Igor. No.

From now on, you will only laugh when I give you the signal.

One, two, and...

Yes.

You dance divinely, Mr. President.

You've been too sparing with your talents. We sit...

- Oh, no, no, no, no. - Let's dance.

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry. I...

It was my fault. No, it was the fault of the music.

We're dancing the Bulka. It's our national dance. Oh.

It's supposed to be danced on the knees.

On the knees? Oh! Oh!

Do you mind if we sit for a moment? I'd like that, yes.

My shoe strap is broken.

Here's a table.

Ah, good news from Scotland, I hope.

Very good. Yes, very good. Ah.

I was, uh...

Well, what do you know? Said the spider to the fly.

Shrewd as they come, Mr. President.

But since you're so shrewd, why didn't you vote for our amendment?

I didn't understand your amendment.

Oh, come, Mr. President.

Any child can understand it.

That may be so, but unfortunately, I'm no longer a child.

Mr. President, it surprises me that you don't see the advantages

of belonging to the Western Bloc.

You've got to be strong to be free.

How about some jet fighters, with instructors thrown in?

Very generous of you, Your Excellency. Unfortunately,

we can't accept any aircraft with landing speeds of over 50 miles an hour

because they run over onto foreign soil.

The size of our country's against us.

Do you need vaccines, serum, plasma?

No. All we really need in that line is illness.

There must be something you need,

and I want to hear about it by 3:00 tomorrow.

And since you're so healthy, we'll make it on the tennis court.

Is that an ultimatum? No.

It's a deadline.

Telephone, Mr. President.

Washington? London.

London? Forgive me.

Otto, that call didn't really come from London, did it?

- Oh, no, of course not. - I thought you needed rescuing.

What's this? Miss Juliet not dancing?

I don't feel like it.

Well, personally, I'm very glad to hear that.

But why so miserable? You must know that in our country,

misery is a punishable a crime.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

I'll try and snap out of it.

Yes, well, we're usually quite lenient with first offenders,

especially when there are mitigating circumstances.

That young fellow in New York... uh, charming.

Freddie? Did you like him?

Yes.

Oh, I... I do miss him so much.

Well, we'll leave.

I think that misery is something that has to be enjoyed alone.

Come, Otto.

Who's this? Hamlet?

Merciful heavens, Lieutenant Romanoff!

A young man like you all alone on a night designed for happiness?

I have failed, and I was trying to criticize myself.

Criticize yourself? Why?

You'll always find plenty of people to do that for you.

Father told me I laughed excessively at your jokes.

It is impossible to laugh excessively at my jokes.

Do you really think so?

I know it for a fact.

You are very understanding.

Now, if you will forgive me. No, no.

If you must brood, go and do it in that direction.

Why? Oh, I don't know.

It's, uh, quieter.

Fewer people.

Thank you very much.

You're much too impetuous. Why?

Why did you send him that way? Why not?

A boy and a girl? Uh-huh.

They're not just an ordinary boy and girl, are they?

No.

Are you real?

What?

I only ask because...

you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

Me, beautiful? Well, I've been told I was pretty...

Beautiful, beautiful!

Everything about you surprises me,

as does fine music,

or poetry, or a seascape.

People think a sky is blue.

Sky is often green, orange,

black, and purple.

You are like that.

Purple?

Surprising.

Your eyes are brown.

One would expect dark hair, wouldn't one?

And yet, it is golden.

Golden.

It's not dyed, is it? N-No. No.

That is its natural color.

Mm.

Are you frightened?

Frankly, yes.

I, also.

Well, that's a relief.

This is terrible.

Why?

If I did what I want to do,

I might be misunderstood.

How could you be?

I don't even know you.

Don't you?

Perhaps I do.

I've been waiting for 19 years.

Only for 19 years?

Mm-mm. Forever.

Oh, Igor, I must go home.

You have parents? Yes.

A mom and dad.

I, also.

Oh, what a coincidence.

Where will you eat lunch?

Aren't you gonna sleep?

What is old age for if not to sleep?

Oh, Igor, I really... I...

Ahhh.

Oh.

This is where I leave you, my dearest.

Where do you live? In there.

Well, what's the matter?

I... I live there.

Oh, no. No.

Hup, two, three...

Good morning! Uh...

Morning, Mr. President!

Great party last night.

Hup, two, three, four.

I... I must go.

Juliet.

Sorry if I woke you up. Good night.

As I was saying,

Igor doesn't touch his breakfast, he sulks,

he goes out without saying good-bye.

Is he ill? He needs a wife.

I remember the symptoms.

In fact, dear, I have taken steps to procure him one.

Oh, is that why you went to the post office? Of course.

I, uh... I cabled my old friend,

Honored Hero of Socialist Labor Vasili Zlotochienko.

Zlotochienko? He has a daughter in the merchant marine.

Oh, you are a genius.

An Honored Hero of Socialist Labor in the family.

It exceeds my wildest dreams.

You always stop here. Why?

The dog always stops here.

You should train it to stop elsewhere. Why?

This is a shop displaying decadent, bourgeois hats, Evdokia.

What revolting confections.

My advice to you is don't turn up.

How can I get out of it now?

Well, do you feel like playing? I loathe exercise.

Well, I'll send the boy to say you're ill.

Attila!

Go to the American Embassy and say the president regrets he has tennis elbow.

You understand?

All right. You can have a chocolate when you come back.

What would the nation do without you, Otto?

Oh, what a landscape.

Do we any, uh... any laundry done?

I do it all myself.

Evdokia, you shouldn't work so hard.

If you insist.

There is a little shop near the embassy.

No, no. Never mind.

Whatever made you think of the laundry?

Oh, well, I don't know. I, uh,

just, uh...

Freddie?

Who's Freddie?

Freddie?

Oh, it's worse and worse.

He's the young man Juliet's in love with in New York.

In New York? Does she cultivate fianc�s in every metropolis?

Well, I don't know. I mean, it's hardly my business, is it?

There's no need to be unpleasant about it.

After all, this new affair was entirely your doing.

Yes, I know. I'm... I'm... I'm very sorry.

If we can't prevent Freddie from coming,

you might as well send off Romanoff's cable.

After all, it's easier to live with an eternal square

than with an eternal triangle.

Boy!

Attila!

Take this to the American Embassy at once.

And since it's a greetings telegram, you will smile when you deliver it.

All right. You shall have a chocolate when you come back.

Oh, hello.

What have you there, little boy?

Oh, what a pretty telegram.

I'll deliver it for you.

Would you care for a chocolate?

Two chocolates?

You Concordians are all alike.

Here. Take the box.

"Whoopee." What does that signify?

It is an American way of expressing delight.

"Whoopee"?

Mm.

"Operation Concordia is on.

"Flying shortest route. Keep secret.

Wish to surprise. Signed, Freddie."

Oh, it cannot be important. It's not in code.

Your Excellency, there are times when the obvious

is the most subtle of methods.

Yeah, that's true.

"Operation Concordia, Operation Concordia."

That... That sounds military. It could mean that, uh...

"Flying shortest route"...

One airplane, or a thousand?

A thousand?

"Keep secret." Of course!

"Wish to surp"...

Surprise whom? The Concordians?

Concordians? No, no.

Us. Us. "Freddie."

Freddie. Now, who is Freddie?

"Freddie" is a code word,

which I will crack as soon as I have a moment.

You think so?

Meanwhile, I think a call to Moscow is imperative.

Oh, yes, yes.

If the Americans take Moscow by surprise,

our lives won't be worth living.

Oh, I agree.

Military information in a greetings telegram.

I tell you, the Americans will stop at nothing.

Moscow. The same number?

I understand. Most urgent.

"Voopee."

"Voopee"?

"Voopee." "Voopee."

"Voopee."

"Operation Concordia is on."

"Wish to surprise"?

I think a telegram intended for the American Embassy

was delivered here by mistake.

Oh, yes. Here it is.

We have, of course, not opened it.

Of course not.

Would you care for a chocolate?

I never eat chocolates.

He is taking it to the Americans.

I will send an ultimatum to Concordia at once.

If we don't, the others will!

Oh, at last the Capitalists

will realize that if necessary, we will fight...

to preserve peace.

What was that?

There's no doubt about it.

Our intelligence has reported large-scale troop movements

all over the satellite territories.

Oh. Okay. Put him through.

Okay, Tom. This is it.

Hello. In code?

Hello. This is Red Herring.

Come in, Red Herring.

This is Black Widow.

Listen carefully now.

Wild fowl never migrate on February 30th.

Okay?

There are ten red roses in my garden. Period.

They bloom at dawn. Any other message?

Oh, express our continued confidence and respect and all that sort of thing.

You know, in your own terms.

The flag is still there. Anything else?

Tell him the army's right in there with him.

One man's meat is another man's poison.

Oh, we appreciate that, sir.

And the navy.

Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink.

Wow.

What's the matter, Randle? Sit down.

Brother, this is it.

What do you mean?

No more punches to pull, Mr. Ambassador.

This could be the real thing.

I want to marry you, with our parents' approval.

Oh, Igor, you must be crazy. How?

I don't know, but it can be done.

I said I'd only be gone for a few minutes, and it's been hours.

It's an endless surrender.

Someday, one has to stop escaping and say, "No further."

Someday, sweetheart. Not now.

Where have you been?

Nowhere.

You know, it was lovely outside.

You've been off your food lately.

I wish you'd tell me what's wrong, sugar.

You don't look so good yourself, Pop.

I got problems.

Ah, we're a happy family deep down, Julie.

I guess it's just this life,

this diplomacy.

Sometimes I feel I'd like to give it all up and go back home.

Give your mother and you a chance. And myself.

Go back to the family business... electric light fixtures.

Something I know about.

Something I can live with.

That's enough for me.

When you talk like that, Pop, I... I love you very much.

There you are. Did you tell her, Hooper?

I was just on the point of doing so, Beulah.

Julie... Freddie!

What about him?

He's flying in here tomorrow morning.

Isn't that great?

Hmm?

Julie, what's the matter?

I'm not in love with Freddie!

You're not? No!

But you're engaged!

He's flying out here! At his own expense.

There's someone else, Hooper.

You're right, Mom. There is.

Someone else? There can't be.

When did this happen? In New York?

Here.

Here?

Who is this other guy?

Igor Vadimovitch...

Romanoff, the son of their ambassador.

What?

I think I'll go get some rest now.

Maybe we didn't treat her right when she was a baby.

On top of all my other worries...

this, the enemy within.

I was never really sold on Freddie.

Not 100%.

That is neither here nor there.

The fact is that our daughter has fallen for a Commie!

A Communist, Beulah!

And when I say Communist, Beulah,

I don't just mean a guy who sent a food package

to the wrong side in Spain.

I mean the son of a high-ranking Soviet executive.

Is it your habit to interrupt us during dinner?

Sometimes it is necessary to disregard protocol, Your Excellency.

I must denounce your son.

My son?

What's that on your cheek? Have you cut yourself?

Lipstick.

Let me denounce myself.

I am in love.

A fine time you choose, I must say,

with Marfa Vassilievna Zlotochienko arriving tomorrow.

Who?

Your wife!

My wife?

The heroic commander of the Auxiliary Fisheries Protection vessel,Dostoievsky.

But I've never even heard of this female.

We intended to introduce you before the wedding. Besides, I...

Are you incapable of listening to a conversation without writing everything down?

Be careful, Vadim.

These are family matters. Kindly leave the room.

Your family matters are of national importance, Your Excellency.

Not only do I have here for the archives in Moscow

various photographs of your son

embracing a certain young lady,

but also some of your wife

smiling at a subversive hat.

And one of you

gazing at the ankles of a...

a local laundress.

Sit down.

While we're on the subject, Comrade,

what about this,

which I found among your personal belongings?

You've been through my suitcase!

You go through my desk every evening.

I only returned the compliment. And what do I find?

Decadent Capitalist magazines.

"Drug Addiction in Cincinnati.

Boston With the Lid off."

And as if that were not sufficient,

postcards of an indisputably suggestive nature,

depicting the ruins of Pompeii

in a most unscholarly light!

Explain yourself, Comrade.

I have collected this material in order to furnish the party with proof of Western decadence.

It is advisable to confess.

I confess.

I'm so lonely, Your Excellency.

Everyone is frightened of me.

I have no friends.

The only kindness people show me is motivated by... by fear.

Here. Take my handkerchief.

A handkerchief?

When I could flood the Volga with my tears.

I hate my job. Hate it! Hate it!

Well, at least we'll have a little peace and quiet from now on.

No! No.

I am not the head of the organization in this country.

There's someone else above you? Yes.

Who? I...

Shh!

Thanks, Kiva.

The cook?

Yes.

She radios to headquarters directly from the icebox.

That's why she will never let me in the kitchen.

There may be microphones concealed here.

Well, now I have to become unpleasant again,

but at least you will know that I don't really mean it.

Yeah.

We must go on as if nothing has happened.

But a great deal has happened.

You all seem to have forgotten about it. I am in love!

Be reasonable. Please be...

Well, what are we all running away from? I'm in love.

Who is she? Some penniless local girl?

She's the daughter of an ambassador.

Ambassador! Ambassador?

Then we have nothing to hide.

Which ambassador?

The ambassador...

of the United States of America.

Oh!

Are you aware of the words you have just uttered?

Swine!

Interventionist!

Anarchist. Saboteur! Vadim!

Trotskyist!

You will leave the room.

Why are you smiling?

I will not be alone. Huh?

My son...

Uh...

You know, I see in Pravda that our manganese production

has increased by another 2,018 short tons.

Oh, uh, that is a cause for rejoicing.

Mm-hmm.

Yes.

Soon we will have sufficient manganese

to, uh... to do whatever we want with it.

That is true, yes.

But we must not weaken our efforts. No.

We can never have enough...

manganese.

I just can't eat.

I know how you feel. Oh, so well.

But it'll pass.

Well, when you met Daddy, did...

did you hear a little bell?

Certainly not.

I did when I met Igor.

It seemed to say, "This is him, the father of your children.

This is home."

A little bell?

There was music playing, but I... I didn't hear it.

I just saw a pair of eyes I could lose myself in.

So stern and yet so sweet, and so adventurous.

Mom, I can still feel his hand on my hair...

strong and manly and... and yet so soft.

And then he said, "The greatest gift we have to offer

is ourselves."

Mom.

Beulah! What's the matter with you?

Hooper, you have no poetry.

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna get Freddie from the airport.

How are you gonna tell him? Diplomatically, dear.

And politically.

You called, madam?

Why, when there are plenty of empty seats,

do I have to be sitting next to this man?

We have to keep the front seats occupied, madam,

as it helps to keep the tail of the aircraft up.

What happens if the plane is full?

It never is, madam.

What have I done wrong?

Throughout the night, you have been brazenly attempting

to spy on my statistics.

I haven't either. I'm just amazed

that a girl like you would be reading a book like that.

I'm not reading it, sir. I already know the statistics.

I'm only trying to perfect my English.

Well, you speak it great.

Perhaps better than you do, sir.

The phrase is, "You speak it very well," not "great."

May I have your attention, please?

Concordian Air International hopes you've had a pleasant trip.

Uh, madam... madam, hold on to your goat, please. We're landing.

Aah!

Step right in here, please, gentlemen.

Make yourselves comfortable.

Won't be long.

You will be able to identify your friends

after Customs inspection.

Good trip?

All right, everyone in.

My blessing. Oh, no, no.

No talking.

Hi, Freddie. Good morning, sir.

No talking until after Customs.

Stand here. The rest of you please make a line.

Do you have anything to declare?

I have only my personal belongings in this suitcase.

Shall I open it? One thing at a time.

First of all, there's a duty on suitcases.

A hundred and fifty percent of the value when new.

What?

Why, that's preposterous!

What did you pay for this coat? There's a duty on clothes.

Are you wearing underwear?

Oh, sure. Oh, yeah?

Huh?

Oh.

Come on, buddy.

Ah-ah-ah.

Uh-huh.

Passport.

Thank you very much. Welcome to Concordia.

A pleasure. Mm-hmm. Bye.

Oh.

Take us to the airport caf�, Curtis.

I didn't expect to see you personally, sir. It's so early.

It's later than you think, fella. After you.

I've told you the facts as they are, Fred.

And I know it's tough. Tough for both of us.

That's why I thought it better not to go straight home,

but to have this man-to-man chat first.

Are you quite sure you've got enough sugar in that coffee?

Oh, I don't take sugar in my coffee, sir.

I guess this is just a nervous habit.

Oh.

Finished!

I don't quite understand the point you're trying to make, sir.

Do you want me to take Julie back to New York or to marry her?

In view of your engagement to the girl, it seems quite possible,

at least to my limited intelligence, to do both.

Now, I've arranged for this wedding

to be a simple formality.

It will be necessary for your son to sign these documents, here.

Uh, here. Yes.

In triplicate. Oh, in triplicate.

Yes. Mm-hmm.

I will add my signature when I return to my boat the day after tomorrow.

If this means Siberia, I shall go out and buy that hat today.

Siberia?

I must have my moment of pleasure.

Hat? I shall become a monk.

Monk? A monk.

I will place my tremendous capacity for devotion to duty

at the disposal of meditation.

What's the matter with you all?

Marfa Vassilievna, life is unpredictable

even in the land of Socialism.

The human heart is a delicate instrument, my Vassilievna.

This entire embassy is pervaded with a subversive atmosphere.

I knew it at the airport.

You allowed the American ambassador to bribe the Custom officer before you did.

Oh!

No, but, you know, I ju...

The initiative has clearly passed in the hands of the hyenas of Wall Street

and their Concordian lackeys.

I deny that.

I'm sure you don't even know the vital statistics of this country.

Huh?

What is the annual rainfall of the capital?

Uh...

Well, I haven't the slightest idea.

Three millimeters.

Oh. Thank you very much.

And how many kilometers of narrow gauge railroad are there?

I don't know. We walk.

One-point-six, and another two

which have been under construction since 1912.

And how many secondary schools are there?

Uh...

One.

None.

Near enough.

On the contrary! One hundred percent error!

With this standard of efficiency,

I wouldn't be surprised if you told me that your son was engaged to someone else.

To a Concordian, perhaps.

Even an American.

You don't deny it? Why not?

I can't.

You're joking!

Look, Julie, you're in love with this guy.

I respect that.

Oh, Freddie, you're so dear, and... and I've treated you so badly.

No, no, no.

Julie, off the record,

what's it like, being in love?

You know, really in love.

Hell. Is that so?

Yeah.

Gee, I'm sorry.

You know, maybe I'm the lucky one.

Maybe you are.

And maybe I'm just being a fool.

My life with you would be so much simpler. Mm-hmm.

We'd have a lot of laughs. I know.

Do you recall the time that...

It wouldn't work, kid. You feel too strongly for me.

You know what I mean.

I can never get as upset as you about anything,

and that would only upset you more.

Mm-hmm.

I don't know what's come over you, Freddie. What?

You started to think.

Yeah, it was tough, but I made it.

I'm sorry, dear.

Oh, that's all right.

Do you wanna kiss me?

I know when I'm licked.

Tsk! Freddie!

Well, Julie...

I'll see you sometime, someplace.

Travel's getting a lot easier between Russia and America.

Bring your husband over to the house.

The kids can play in the pool. Don't, Freddie.

God bless you, baby.

Keep pitching.

The last hours of our 413th Independence are draining away.

It's like being under sentence of death.

I don't know why you're so depressed.

Have you read these ultimatums properly?

The Russian one, and the American? The terrible menace in them?

If we don't accept aid by 4:00,

it will be fed to us like medicine to a child.

Parachutes will drop with motorcars and tractors.

They'll shell us with cartons of filter cigarettes and bottles of soft drinks.

It's ghastly!

And all because you didn't vote.

You may say you didn't understand the motion,

but that never stopped a real statesman from voting.

Well, I do know why you're depressed, really, yes.

See, I'm an optimist, therefore I know exactly how sad a place the world can be.

You're a pessimist, Otto, therefore you're forever finding out.

Well, we're going to resist aid.

But how? What weapons have we?

Laughter.

Laughter? Oh, you're crazy.

Yes. Our weapon is laughter.

Our cause... love.

You don't mean to say you're going to get us involved in war

just because two people have fallen in love?

Have you ever heard of a war that started for a reason half as dignified as that?

But we can't even bluff the enemy.

The latest messages are all in code.

Well, we can pretend we know their code.

We can even pretend that they don't know ours.

But we haven't got a code!

That was a breach of security, Otto.

I beg your pardon. Granted.

The important thing in diplomacy is to have a door that will lock,

even if there's nothing behind it.

Now...

my plan is this.

Tonight, we celebrate the royal wedding

of our boy king, Theodore the Uncanny,

to the Infanta of Old Castillo in 1300 and, um, five?

1311. Well, whichever it was.

Which led to the Spanish Coalition

and the eventual expulsion of the Lithuanians from our country.

The Albanians. And the anniversary isn't until Friday.

Otto, the great advantage of history is that it is adaptable.

Now...

if we say that the anniversary is tonight,

all the diplomatic corps will be there in force.

That is the moment for us to strike.

How?

Never mind. Um, take this down.

Decree a national air raid practice

for 4:30 this afternoon.

Perhaps 1630 sounds more military.

Close the switchboard. Ah-ah.

Isolate the powers,

and declare a state of general mobilization.

Just a minute. How do you spell that? Um, M-O...

Mobilization.

M-O-B-O-L-O...

O... Uh...

Well, I don't know, Otto. We use the word so rarely. I...

Well, never mind.

The others have got their troubles too.

Miss, I asked for Concordia.

Concordia!

Hello! Hello!

Hello.

Telephone communications with Concordia

are temporarily interrupted owing to a technical hitch.

Telephone communications with Concordia

are temporarily interrupted owing to a technical hitch.

Telephone communications with Concordia

are temporarily interrupted owing to a technical hitch.

You're dressed very warmly for this weather, Your Excellency.

Yes. Cane, portfolio, gloves.

Three articles to leave behind if necessary.

In the world of diplomacy, it's often very important to have a pretext to return

after you've said good-bye.

That's called making up for lost time.

Our national tragedy is that we've been occupied by every people but the Swiss.

Oh, don't forget to telephone me at the American Embassy in exactly three minutes.

Good luck.

Oh.

Not too early, I trust?

I make you just on two hours late.

Then, I don't know the time around here any more than anyone else does.

Yes.

Mr. President, I wish this meeting could've taken place

under happier circumstances.

Bourbon on the rocks? I never touch it, I'm afraid.

Oh, come on.

Well, since you insist.

Now...

let's come straight to the point.

When I wanna know something, I just ask.

That's the way I operate. I appreciate that.

In my position, I have to appreciate almost everything.

Why didn't you answer my ultimatum?

How's your charming daughter?

- What's that? - Daughter.

Oh. She's fine. Just fine, thanks. She's fine.

Now, does this mean you're getting aid from elsewhere,

if you follow me, and if so, who?

And if so, why?

Yes! Very witty.

She looked quite exquisite the other evening, I thought, huh?

Who? Your daughter looked so...

Oh, didn't she, though?

Now, look,

my government takes the gravest possible view of your decision.

Who was that very nice young gentleman I saw her with?

You saw her? Leave him out of this!

Fianc�, perhaps?

Will we soon hear the bells... No!

I thought that thing was out of order.

They must've mended it.

Hello?

It's for you. Oh?

Thank you.

Hello? Oh, Otto. Yes.

Uh, no. Once and for all, I don't want to commit

the Tenth Parachute Division until the initial attack has spent itself.

Is that clear? No, no.

What I had in mind was, uh,

M-I-S-S-I-L-E-S.

I can't speak too freely now.

Oh, another thing, Otto.

If I find any man smoking near the rocket fuel,

he's in for a severe talking to.

Ah.

Told him. Huh.

Let me freshen up your bourbon on the rocks, Mr. President.

Now, sir, let me ask you this.

Who are you trying to fool?

You know you can't resist the Russians all by yourself if they should attack.

Don't underestimate us, Mr. Ambassador.

There are ten red roses in your garden.

They bloom, I believe, at dawn.

Oh, Mr. Ambassador.

Oh, dear, dear, dear.

Where did you get this information?

From our network in America.

"Network in America"? Oh, well, grid, if you prefer it.

What we have in mind is a goodwill mission.

Mr. Ambassador, in 1914, the Germans sent

a lot of paratroops dressed as nuns into Holland.

Would you call that a pilgrimage?

Well, what do you expect, with eight Soviet divisions massing in Transylvania

not a hundred miles from here?

You need protection.

I guess some people just don't want to be free.

Well, surprisingly enough, Your Excellency, some people are free already.

We have recent news that the Soviet divisions are on their way to Siberia.

Don't be ridiculous, sir.

Why should they go to Siberia by way of the Western frontier?

I don't know. You're the expert in the war of nerves, sir.

I'm only a learner. But couldn't it be

the Russian plan to provoke a goodwill mission from you

which would look to the rest of the world like a piece of naked aggression?

Yeah. Yeah.

That's just what they might do. Ah.

The twisters.

Think it over, quietly.

We'll talk about it further at this evening's celebrations.

Celebration? Not another Independence Day?

Yes. Oh, no!

The Russians will accept, I'm sure.

Okay, okay. We'll be there.

There's a national air raid drill in half an hour.

Please, keep off the streets.

Oh, you left your, uh, mm...

Mr. President?

Not too early, I trust?

Only if I misunderstood the appointment.

It was for tomorrow!

I do apologize.

Mm. Sit down.

Thank you.

Vodka? No. I never drink.

Nonsense. You have defied our ultimatum.

I'm directed to draw your attention

to the unpleasant consequences of such a provocation.

How's your charming son?

Uh, well, very well. He's, uh, rarely been better.

I'm glad to hear it.

I toast energetic and enlightened Concordian people

and their imminent discovery of the benefits of Socialism.

Thank you.

Ahh!

Little caviar? No, thank you. I...

No?

Mm.

I drink to your son.

To his health, his happiness,

and to the eight Soviet divisions,

at the moment massed on the frontier of Transylvania,

in the hope that they'll soon be facing the other direction.

Mm.

Where did you get this...

this false information?

From our people in Russia. People there?

Oh, come, come. Let's not be naive, Your Excellency.

Well, what do you expect, with ten American aircraft carriers

off the coast of Greece?

Oh, you've... you've cracked their code, have you?

A long time ago.

Sit down. Thank you.

In that case, you'll know about, uh, February the 30th?

February the 30th!

A group of 30 strategic rockets with atomic warheads?

Yes. That tallies exactly with my information.

Mm. Sit down. Thank you.

Except that more recent news suggests

that this American goodwill fleet has just set sail for Gibraltar.

Hmm?

Why should they do that?

I don't know. Perhaps some goodwill is urgently required there.

Oh. Well, uh...

When did you receive this news?

Within half hour.

How did you receive it, if I may ask, since your...

Uh... Oh, no, no. Your phones aren't working.

Pigeon. Pigeon?

No one uses pigeons anymore. They're unreliable.

They may migrate when they're very young, but they never break down like telephones.

Soviet telephones don't break down!

Nor do Concordian pigeons! Now...

Oh, I wish you to understand

that the possible arrival of Soviet troops here

will be entirely peaceful.

The responsibility for any unpleasantness would be yours.

World opinion means nothing to you?

World opinion changes like the tides.

Any case, we're responsible for half of it.

There'll be a national air raid practice in half an hour,

so kindly keep off the streets.

If you should hear any explosions, don't worry.

It's a purely routine exercise of the Concordian Atomic Commission.

Do you really pretend that you have

the technological efficiency to produce a bomb?

No. But we have got technological inefficiency on such a scale

that it sometimes amounts to the same thing.

Well, I hope to see you at our little celebration this evening.

Again? Independence...

Independence... Oh, my wife isn't feeling well...

The Americans have accepted.

We'll be there. Good-bye.

Hey, you left your cane!

The Soviet Premier, in an exuberant mood

at a cocktail party, did imitations of leading Western statesmen,

at times going down on all fours.

Oh, hello. Hello...

Yes, I think I left my portfolio.

Oh, here it is.

It's very stupid of me. It's all our military secrets.

And your gloves.

No, those are not my gloves.

No? No. Hmm.

Oh.

Oh, bourbon on the rocks. Oh, no, no...

- Oh, come, now. - Come, come.

Come, now. Here.

There.

Thank you.

Incidentally... Yes?

...they know your code.

We know they know our code.

Huh? Sure.

We only give them the things we want them to know.

Yes...

Good-bye. Oh, good-bye.

Oh, I think I left my thing... The, uh...

Mm, yeah. Oh, there.

No, no, no. Mm. Here it is.

Oh, thank you very much. Vodka?

No, thank you. No. Oh, ridiculous!

Incidentally... Yes?

...they know you know their code.

That does not surprise me in the least.

We have known for some time that they knew we knew their code.

Huh? Yeah.

We have acted accordingly by pretending to be duped.

I never realized before how simple my life was. I...

Uh, to the Concordian bomb.

Concordian bomb.

Aah!

The gloves were mine, after all.

Forgive me. I thought they were.

I wear... I wear gloves so rarely.

This life seems to be getting you down. Down.

Bourbon on the rocks?

Pour it now. Wh-What's it called?

Here we are. Bourbon on the rocks. Bourbon on the rocks. Yes.

Ahh.

Incidentally... Yes?

...you know they know

you know they know

you know... code.

What?

Are you sure? Mm.

I'm positive, because I've been talking, you know...

Thank you! Thank you. I shan't forget this.

You mean you didn't know? No!

Aah!

Forgive me?

Well, did it work? Did it work?

You're drunk! Well, do you wonder?

It was the price of finding out that there are eight Soviet divisions

massed in Transylvania,

and ten American aircraft carriers

with atomic rockets off the coast of Greece.

I told you, sir. I knew it!

What are we gonna do? Don't look so depressed.

We're going to pray.

But first of all, I'd like some black coffee.

Can you send the boy out for it? I don't know where he is.

I scolded him and sent him off to play with his home chemistry set.

He's made another mistake.

There! Otto!

That son of mine... he takes after his mother.

He deserves a decoration. He deserves to have his backside decorated.

I knew there were miracles in the air, Otto.

Don't you realize what this means?

Concordia has just exploded her first atomic bomb.

If anybody attacks us, they're in for a nasty surprise.

Wait for it!

Bah!

Man at the end needs a haircut.

Button missing here. Hup!

Shave.

And how's your aunt?

Well? I'm glad to hear... Oh, a hero.

Ah.

Hup!

Same man from the back.

Now, here... Ah.

I've seen this man already. I recognize the medal.

They've turned round. Oh, you mean we should go...

Oh, uh...

So you wish to serve your country?

Oh, yes, please... Oh, I see.

Well, cavalry, I think. That would be the safest.

On the left. On the left. That's right.

Ah, there's a fine figure of a boy.

And for the first time in history, they're punctual.

Recruiting will be resumed after a fire drill.

I don't want to be sentimental, Otto,

but it does an old soldier's heart good to see a sight like this.

Ahh.

Well done! Good man.

Look out. Here comes trouble.

I'm on your side. Help me, and I will help you.

What do you want? Asylum.

Asylum?

Oh, Political... Oh I see, yes granted...

There is something else. What?

Admission to the most austere, the most rigid,

and terrible monastery in your country.

Well we'll send you to the Mauve Friars,

they neither stand nor sit, they walk about on their knees.

Oh, a very good beginning.

My eternal gratitude. Yes.

Come now. Now my part of the bargain.

What?

Igor Vadimovitch is about to kill himself,

we must move quickly. What?

He says he cannot live without his Juliet.

Otto, come on.

Which room is it?

Igor Vadimovitch.

Igor Vadimovitch.

Merciful heaven's Lieutenant, what's that in your hand?

It's a revolver.

The classic solution to misery.

Are you aware they're forbidden by law?

You are too late.

Lieutenant, you will see Juliet again, within the hour!

Really?

All is prepared, jump to freedom.

You wish me to escape my duty.

I am an officer sir, I am incapable of cowardice.

Believe it or not sir I'm an officer myself,

I'm incapable of almost everything.

But at the moment I do happen to know what I'm talking about.

A man and a woman begin alone,

like raindrops on the window.

Then they lose their identity in each other,

of their own free will.

The greatest gift we have to offer is ourselves.

To which Juliet replied,

"Oh my darling, if ever I have a child,

I want it to be yours."

Where did you hear those words?

I listened in the shadows,

and took your words down in shorthand.

Juliet...

What is that?

A casualty.

Oh.

You take your maneuvers very seriously, eh?

Yes, don't you?

To the hospital, at the double!

Forward!

Stop! Stop!

I'm sorry.

It's our national laziness again.

The men are so delighted their load is lighter,

they didn't stop to ask themselves why.

Wait for me in my palace, will you? I'll deal with Juliet.

How's Igor?

Sulking, his door is locked.

Oh? Tried to talk to him,

he doesn't even answer me.

His own Mother.

Edvokia...

Turn 'round.

What?

Turn around.

Close your eyes.

Are you going to shoot me? Shh!

No, no, no.

I've got to think of Mom and Dad.

The only way you can make them happy is by being happy yourself.

This much, I know.

I've even staked the future of my nation on this conviction.

And if you let me down now, I shall,

have to pay the price of my belief in your love,

at the head of my army.

Will you come with me?

No.

No.

Wish me luck in the war.

Your war.

Well, what do you want me to do?

Lock your door and follow me.

Hello.

Uh, your book?

Well, you didn't need it anyway.

You know all the statistics.

I wish I knew how to forget them.

Oh, Otto!

They both called their capitals and asked for delay of 24 hours.

Excellent!

Is the army in place?

Everything is ready.

By all that's holy!

Do you see what I see? Shh.

With him you can never tell if he's not still engaged in his old profession.

Would you look at the workmanship on that train.

Oh, I just love history.

It's so, so old.

Who are they?

Those on the horses are landowners.

And those on their feet, people.

Ah.

The cap ma'am.

Beulah, do you wanna look like a tourist?

Know ye...

that marriage, being as much a vocation, as the church,

it is the solemn duty of those in love,

to obey their hearts.

Therefore, ask I you,

Theo... Theodore,

by the will of the people,

most Divine Protector of The Unwilling,

Mentor of The Undecided,

Emperor Absolute and Undisputed,

do you take this woman, to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

Igor!

Do you...

Stop the ceremony! It's a trick!

Guards!

Do you take this man as your lawfully wedded husband?

No!

I do.

I hereby pronounce you,

man and wife.

Now go out there, my son,

and beat the Albanians!

Place a ring on her finger.

I don't know that ring.

Master Igor.

Miss Juliet.

Let the bells be rung!

A miracle!

Oh well, that's quite usual here.

Will you call off your army sir?

No sir, I will not!

Igor! Julie, baby!

Mama.

Mom.

Isn't it always left to the women to make peace?

Oh, Mrs. Romanoff, may I?

Thank you.

Well gentlemen, are you now ready to surrender to the inevitable?

This marriage will never be recognized in the Soviet Union.

It's not valid in the United States of America.

I regret your decision as much as you will.

Two-hundred and seventeenth Mounted Infantry Division,

fire!

No, general! No!

Are you out of your mind?

Threatening the United States Ambassador?

Please trust me.

Ready!

Come on, come on.

Why the fellow's taken leave of his senses.

Keep calm. Oh, Daisy.

Do something Randle.

Fire!

You mean you have no ammunition?

We never found the formula.

We never had the money, nor the inclination, to buy any.

That is our only military secret.

That's very good. That's very good.

Oh, Hooper, come on.

Juliet.

Mrs. Romanoff? Yes?

You know your name.

It worked.

How can we ever thank you.

What do you mean? My country thanks you.

I'm just off to New York,

to report our victory to the United Nations.

Thanks to you, Concordia has made of love a weapon

against which there is no defense.

And incidentally, the gates to my garden are open.

I'm sorry, but the car's broken down.

Again? Oh, no.

I'll try once more.

Oh, Mr. President, so sorry you can't be with us tomorrow night.

We're having a barbeque in honor of the Romanoffs, quite informal.

Black tie.

Alas, duty calls.

Excuse me.

Oh, Your Excellency,

and the day after tomorrow we're having a little, intimate sword dancing,

in honor of the Moulsworths.

Unfortunately, I can't guarantee I'll be back in time.

Anyway, our hearts will go with you.

Thank you.

Oh.

Papa!

Papa!

Hansel, to the airport.

Ah, for the first time in my life tonight,

I feel like dancing.