Original subtitles

(LAUGHING)

This is going to be so good. Come on. Get a grip, get a grip.

(LAUGHING)

It's got to be in the middle, the middle, you metal moron.

Look, this is my vending machine maintenance man of the month certificate

we are reframing here, my one and only Mr April.

There's no room for sloppiness.

And you can take that look off your face for a start.

(ROBOTJERKING)

-Where's Kryten? I need him. -He's on holiday.

-Holiday? -Week off, no duties.

Thought he needed it.

Lister, Kryten is a mechanoid, a machine.

Machines don't go on holiday.

Who's next? The egg whisk? Two weeks in Mauritius?

Booked him and your electric toothbrush a double room, have you?

-He was tired. -Tired?

What was it? Metal fatigue?

(SCOFFS) Where's he gone?

Broom cupboard on V deck.

Really nice shelf.

V deck? Why not B deck or C deck, somewhere close?

He wanted to travel. Didn't you read his postcard?

He's loving it. Unscrewed his head.

Eyes bobbing about in a bowl of lens cleaner.

He's having the time of his life.

Tomatoes?

Supply decks. 200 floors. It took me ages to get these.

I smegging hate tomatoes, taste, texture.

Don't know why I put meself through it.

Lister, why do you eat tomatoes when you don't like them?

-There's plenty of other things to eat. -It's got to be tomatoes, man.

Only thing I'm allergic to.

Why do you want to eat something you're allergic to?

According to the read-outs, we're down to our last water tank.

Only G deck left. I'm saving water.

Lister, have you ever been down to G deck?

Seen the water tank? There's loads of water left.

So how come only a trickle's coming out of the taps then?

Uh, how does eating tomatoes save water?

It's coming.

(SIGHS)

Don't suppose you want any ironing doing, do you?

I get it.

I love it when it makes that squish sound, don't you?

You've spent hours planning this, haven't you?

Hours. Going down to the supply decks, trawling through the crates,

getting half hysterical at the thought of my face as you start to

Was it really worth it, Listy?

Hours and hours and hours of planning for eight seconds of pleasure?

Sounds like the last time you had sex.

Lister, you need to get a life.

ROBOT: Level.

Level.

LISTER: Close.

Not level.

I thought I'd read you another book.

It's one of those stupid ones you used to really like.

Jane Oostin?

Austin?

Orsdon?

I'm not quite sure how you pronounce it.

Sense and Sensibility.

Pray God there's some car chases in this one.

"The family of Dashwood had long been settled in Sussex."

Ow!

What happened to you?

You got a minute?

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

LISTER: Tell him.

I'm walking through the cargo deck, right, minding my own damn business

when all of a sudden... You know that big tank on G deck?

He means the water tank.

Suddenly there's a disturbance on the surface of the tank and...

(GURGLING)

(IMITATING SPLASH)

This massive testicle shoots up out of the water and grabs me by the throat.

-He means "tentacle". -I hope so.

Before I know it, I'm flying through the air being waved about from side to side.

Next thing I know, it pulls me down into the icy waters

and I'm shouting and screaming

because everything I'm wearing is dry clean only.

Suddenly, I'm staring at this big eye.

It's about this big.

No, this big.

No, this big. Man, it was just...

-Big? -Exactly.

And then the beast, because that's what it is,

opens its mouth and I realised that's where I'm heading.

So I combed my hair and fainted.

Came to, I'm on the floor by the side of the tank, no sign of the creature.

Oh!

-I need counselling. -You've got that right.

So where did it go?

(PANTING) It didn't say and it didn't leave a note.

-This is so weird. -It's not that weird.

Probably can't even write.

How'd it even hold a pen with its big testicle?

It's slithered back into the water tank, hasn't it?

But a sea monster? In the water tank? That's not right.

We're in deep space.

# Holiday, celebrate, holiday #

Hey! Surf boy is back from Broomtown.

What a vacation, sirs.

I can't remember the last time I was so relaxed and utterly carefree.

There's a big monster in the water tank.

Oh, my gosh!

-That's why we're down on water. -We're down on water?

Yeah, and without water, me and the Cat are going to die.

-Yeah. -It's a disaster! Oh, my back!

I'm one giant tension knot. Someone pummel my diodes.

Hey, this thing, whatever it is,

it's messing with the supply thingy pipe stuff thing, isn't it?

Please, we're laymen. Spare us the plumbing jargon.

The point is, we've got to get in there and whack it.

-We've got to fritter the critter. -Kill it? No way!

We should capture this sucker, force it to pay my dry-cleaning bills.

The point is, how do we kill it?

I mean we can't suck it out of an air lock. We'll lose the water.

We can't mickey the water. We'd pollute the drinking supply.

No choice. We're going to have to go in, get it.

-Serious? -We're going to need a diving bell,

the kind with grade-one reinforced titanium ribs.

We're going to need diving suits, bazookoids, mini-grenades,

laser-lancer, blasters. And we're going to need something good

for me to read while you're all down there.

-Classic CarMonthlyor something. -Are you not coming down with us?

In spirit, I'll be down there with you. In actuality, I'll be reading a car mag.

Well, I'd better start packing then. Oh, I already am packed!

Don't look at me, I ain't going. I'm still in trauma. Look at my suit.

It may not pull through.

-Find another suit. You're going. -Hey, I'm a cat.

Nobody bosses Mr C around, buddy.

How would you like it

if I flushed the entire ship's supply of tuna out of an airlock?

When we leaving? You packed? Come on, let me help you, man.

Come on, get going. We go in two minutes.

Two minutes? Two minutes?

I need to make myself look sensational.

Make it three. And don't wear nothing lilac or we'll clash!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

(EXCLAIMS)

We're hitting the water, Rimmer.

What? Oh, yeah.

(WHOOSHING)

-Hey, there's something out there. -Where?

I saw something moving.

My bowels, if you keep shouting like that.

(LISTER SIGHS)

It's gone. It's gone.

Rimmer, check the sonar.

Did you know that of all the Jensen Interceptors ever built,

only 23 had the manual four-speed box?

-It's amazing. -Rimmer, the sonar!

Check it, you smegger!

Is there anything down here with us?

What? No. It's all clear, it's fine, good.

Get this, listen.

"The four-wheel drive, the FF, identified by a measly

"four-inch stretch in the wheelbase..."

I saw something! I saw something. I definitely saw something.

(BEEPING)

Er, chaps, bit of an update.

There appears to be something bigger than God heading straight for you.

-What is it? -How do I know?

It's not like a commercial airliner with writing down the side.

Well, do something. Get us out of here.

-Can't. Too scared. -You're scared?

But you're not even down here. You're safe.

Safe? I'm not safe from having to sit here and watch my sonar screen

get covered in your gloopy insides, am I?

I'm not safe from seeing those terrible pictures in my head

of you being eaten alive and never being able to get rid of them.

You just think about you, don't you? It's always you with you, isn't it?

Sir, I've changed my eyeballs three times and I can't see anything.

Are you sure you're not mistaken?

Gone.

It must have been a speck on the sonar.

Relax. As you were.

(SWITCHING EASY LISTENING MUSIC ON)

Oh, my God.

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(THUDDING)

-What was that? -It's gone!

No, sir.

It's underneath us.

If we're really quiet, it might think we're a rock.

(WHISPERING) Rimmer,

pull us up,

slowly and quietly.

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

Rimmer, are you reading me?

(WHISPERING) Sir, can you hear us?

KRYTEN: Wait, what's that?

I can't see anything!

(GROANING)

Will you keep the noise down back there? Can't you see I'm looking for squid?

(CRASHING)

I still can't see it.

(BULLET RICOCHETING)

Sir, may I make one tiny suggestion?

Releasing a firearm in a confined titanium steel box

may not be a good mix with human tissue.

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

Oh, my God!

(MUSIC STOPS)

Hang on, I'm getting you out of there. Rimmer to the rescue, as per usual.

What would these clowns do without me, eh?

Anyone else would probably get a medal for this,

the Eagle of Valour, the Space Knight's Cross of Honour.

I bet I don't even get a book token.

Two suits in one day, look at me!

Thanks to you, I couldn't even get on the cover of Minger Monthly!

You're supposed to be manning the sonar, Rimmer.

-You could have got us all killed! -Is this about you again?

It is, isn't it? Can't you see, right now I need some me time?

My heart is still hammering.

-I don't know how I got through that. -You wasn't even there!

I was nearly there.

That's close enough for me.

CAT: What the hell was that thing?

It was some kind of dimension-migrating leviathan

looking for somewhere quiet to hibernate.

Where better than the middle of deep space

in a universe where the human race is virtually extinct?

It's extraordinary.

(THUDDING)

-It's gone! -LISTER: Where?

I don't know. Probably to another dimension to lick its...

Wait! Incoming!

KRYTEN: What's this?

Hmm.

(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) I bid greetings.

My name is Katerina Bartikovsky.

In past, I Red Dwarf's science officer.

Zdravstvuyte!

From now, I am senior officer.

No longer hologram Arnold Rimmer who is bit crap.

What?

KRYTEN: Look, sir. Confirmed.

Adjustment on command structure essential

if one day Lister to regenerate human race, huh?

Result! You beauty!

Why does mainframe computer not function?

Lister left a bath running in the officers' quarters.

We didn't find out about it for nearly nine years.

Then one night, it was a Tuesday,

the floor gave way and nearly two million gallons of water

fell through the ship. Not a nice way to be woken.

One minute you're lying in your bed snoozing,

the next you're being washed down a corridor at 80 knots per hour.

The skutters still haven't finished drying him out.

Have skutters more pressing duties?

Duties that distract them from these tasks?

-Is this you? -No.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

The place is mess.

-What has mech been doing? -Kryten?

Holiday. Nice shelf on V deck. My idea. Needed break.

Mechs don't go on holiday.

-They are machines. -That's what I said.

You were senior officer. It was duty to ensure efficiency of ship.

How come there are two holograms active, both hard light?

I thought the ship could only sustain one.

-How does Lister pass time? -Sleeps, annoys me.

Look, if there's one...

Besides sleeping and annoying you, what else he do?

-Gets ready for bed. -And for entertainment?

He irons sneezes.

In fact, if he was an art student, he'd probably be considered a genius.

Is tragedy. His body lives, but inside he is dead.

-This is your fault. You killed him. -What did I do?

You responsible for his life but you do nothing.

You think only of you.

Um... I don't know whether you happened to notice, but we are in deep space,

where there isn't a whole hell of a lot to do.

There are only so many times you can play "what's in the bag".

(SNIFFING)

Fish paste? Lister's trainers?

In my country, we have word for people like you.

In my country, we have several.

Hey. I've found one.

Mr Lister, please prepare.

You are to be returning home, so we have possibility to make this happen.

-Are you serious? -Of course. I always serious.

-Mr Rimmer? -Yes.

You have 24 hours to get your affairs in order,

then you'll be offlined and your data files erased.

Then your hard drive will be fired into space

and when safe distance from ship, it will be detonated by nuclear fusion.

-You really don't like me, do you? -I do my job.

And my job is look after him.

Which, sadly, is very ungroovy news for you, you see?

Dobro vece.

I hate her.

I like her. I like her a lot!

She's given me 24 hours to get my affairs in order

before I'm offlined and trashed. She's treating me like a computer virus.

Oh, she's so bright and perceptive, sir. Such a breath of fresh air.

We all have our Achilles' heel.

Find hers. Start trawling the data, Krytie.

Get me some dirt on her. You know what I'm talking about, kid?

Ah! Ms Bartikovsky!

Yes, Ms smegging Bartikovsky. Get me some dirt on her.

-Uh, I trust you slept well, Ms... -Not particularly, Ms...

I love it when your voice unit acts up like that.

(IMITATING BUZZING)

Right, back to the dirt thing...

Your breasts look particularly good today, Ms.

(STAMMERING) My what? My breast... What are you?

Good morning, Ms... Miss!

You, follow me.

On my way to Dirtville, sir. I'll catch you later.

Engage innocent whistle mode.

(WHISTLING)

So, as spoken, I bring Lister back to life,

restore drive so can restart human race, yes?

And how, pray tell, do you plan to do that?

-Isn't obvious? -You start, I’ll join in.

Well, the solution is staring you in your stupid, fat, ferrety face.

We have tentacle of dimension-migrating leviathan.

We take, insert into a gene reader, you have several in Medi Lab

and triangulate results with power surge readings

and temporal displacement residues recorded in water tank.

We then calculate quantum algorithm creature produced

to open dimensional membrane, then we travel multiverse.

Once computed, we have key to dimensional travel,

transpose calibrations into mining laser

and, bingo jingo, we have our very own dimension cutter.

That is exactly what I was going to say.

-That's so spooky. -So Lister will travel to new dimension,

bring back mate and recreate human race, yes?

Word for word what I was gonna say.

Hmm.

No way will this work.

I'll probably end up with your head or someone else's legs.

Something always goes wrong. I'm not building me hopes up.

And we begin.

-Have you found any dirt on her yet? -Her character is flawless, sir.

Damn.

And if her character is flawless, that means...

I know.

I'll have to frame her...

Is working.

Now, if calculations correct

portal should

open now.

It's working!

(BEEPING)

Something is not right.

Saying we don't exist.

How can this be possible?

(BEEPING)

Taking us to nearest valid reality.

Make no sense.

-What size is this? -This baby's 50 inches

of full, crotch-throbbing pixel power.

I like it.

Too big. It's only for the bedroom.

What about this one?

CAT ON TV: I can't hold on much longer!

KATERINA: Yes, something is very wrong.

-Send Rimmer through for see if safe. -What?

Wait!

(ELECTRONIC HUMMING)

What was that?

(CRASH)

-Did you hear something smash? -On TV?

I can't hold on much longer.

MAN: Well, is it HD-ready?

It's a version of HD-ready, yeah.

(SCREAMING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Where are we, Kryten?

Well, according to the Psi scan, sir, we're in a department store in London

in the early part of the 21st Century.

The early part of the...

Isn't when all the banks went belly-up and money became useless?

I read about that in history.

What a sound system, eh?

Sounds like you're in the room with them.

(CHUCKLING) Huh. Red Dwarf.

There's a new series.

I don't really follow it myself.

Science fiction. It's all a bit bollocks, really, isn't it?

That Psi scan thing.

Knows everything, doesn't it?

Any bit of exposition, just ask the Psi scan.

How can it know everything? Talk about rubbish!

Who's he, Kryten?

Well, according to the Psi scan, sir,

he's a pompous, know-all, know-nothing idiot

called Mike Millington who, incidentally, has a very small penis.

-How does the Psi scan know that? -It scanned his e-mails, sir.

He's already onto his fourth tub of penis-enlargement cream.

Hey, buds, the portal's closed. We can't get back.

What do you mean, get back? We are back.

This is Earth. This is home.

And we've got rid of Kremlin Kate. Let's crack open the vodka.

Is it me, or is everyone staring?

Also, they all seem to be in smirk mode, sir.

They're just laughing at your face, Kryten. Nothing to worry about.

Back in the 21st Century, they laughed at freaks all the time.

They used to have TV shows on Saturday nights

where they'd get out all the freaks, make them sing and dance

and then point and laugh at them.

Simple people, simple tastes.

(WHISPERING) Hey. Hey!

What are these things?

They're digital versatile discs, or DVDS for short.

They were very popular in the early part of the 21st Century,

before they died out and were replaced with what we use now.

-What, you mean videos? -Precisely.

Back then, no one knew that the human race were utterly incapable

of putting the DVDs back in their cases.

Case in point. Over two trillion went missing in just over 20 years.

Videos are just too big to lose.

Sirs, look.

Red Dwarf. This is us.

It's a TV series about us.

It recounts all our adventures, every single one of them.

How's this possible?

We're characters from a TV series who've somehow escaped the TV world,

into the real world.

That explains why the dimension cutter said our reality wasn't valid.

I'm not real. I'm a character in a TV series.

I'm not real. I'm not real?

-That explains so much. -I'm not real, either.

Does that mean I'm not really this good-looking?

Just typical of my luck, isn't it?

Just when things start to go right it turns out that I'm...

I'm not real. Fantastic!

Now, sirs, we need clear heads and equanimity.

Naturally, it's extremely disturbing to discover

that we are just characters in a TV series.

And naturally there's going to be a period of acclimatisation.

But it's essential that we keep all this in perspective.

(HIGH-PITCHED) We're not real! What are we gonna do?

There, I think that's pretty much put in it in perspective,

-don't you, sirs? -This is too weird for words.

Hey, guys, look at this.

Back to Earth. That's the story we're in now.

He's right. Look!

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

There's no disc in it.

Coming soon, it's not out yet.

Back to Earth takes place after series 1 0.

Kochanski's dead and the crew are hurled through a portal

and discover they're just characters from a TV series.

Knowing they will die in the final episode...

Die?

The Dwarfers, in best Blade Runner tradition,

track down their creators to plead for more life.

-How are we gonna do that? -Easy.

Hey, buds, give us more life. I'm pleading with you. See?

First the crew attempt to track down the actors...

Actors who play them in the series and their metaphysical odyssey begins.

All my life I've wanted to go on a metaphysical odyssey.

For years I never thought I'd get the chance.

Oh, I'll tell you what, the toilets here are medieval.

-Bet you felt right at home, then. -There's no toilet paper.

Don't use the stuff these days. Like I said, they're a simple people.

They eat spam.

I mean there I am in the cubicle, no paper, wondering what to do.

I open the door and see this machine on the wall which blows out hot air.

Then I twig.

Tell you what, they've got a different system here.

Different system?

Yeah, well, you've gotta wash yourself in one of the sinks

and use the air machine to dry your bum.

-And that's what you did? -No choice.

And those air machines are really high.

It's like you're holding your cheeks apart, jumping up and down,

trying to catch some breeze.

I'll tell you something, they're not friendly round here.

Try and start a conversation and no one wants to know.

Where's Cat and Kryten?

Gone to get some money. Haven't got a bean between us.

-Money? How are they gonna get money? -Some second-hand shop.

Kryten's gonna try and pawn his head.

-And what about seeing? -Gonna use his spare set of eyes.

-Hang them out of his neck hole. -Oh, that's a good look, isn't it?

That's not gonna stand out at all.

-Hey! -Any luck?

They thought we were from a hidden camera show, sir,

and wouldn't take us seriously.

We even offered to throw in one of his legs. Still no deal.

How we gonna trace our creators?

We ain't got not wheels, ain't got no dough.

Money.

I know how we can get money.

How much we got?

We've got 1 5 combs, 2 mobile phones, 3 packets of gum,

2 condoms, 2 pairs of reading glasses and 1 9 pieces of popcorn.

I'm expecting to pull out Glenn Miller or Shergar anytime.

-What about the money? -Yeah, so far we got £1 9 and 43 pence.

-Now what? -Well, according to this

we get on the Tube and go to a science fiction shop called They Walk Among Us.

RIMMER: This is too weird for words.

CAT: Hey, buds! Check this! KRYTEN: Look, that's me!

Look at that! And that!

-Listening to music? -No. Why?

(CLEARS THROAT) I was just wondering if you could help us.

We're trying to find the guys involved in the making of a TV series

called Red Dwarf.

Uh, we're trying to find out if this is our last show or not.

This is the weird bit, like, we're not the actors,

we're the real characters.

There was this kind of dimension thing and...

Dimension skid, was it? Happens a lot this time of year.

One minute you're fine the next...

(MIMICKING STORM)

"Oh, where do I live?"

You're in a new dimension. Gotta be so careful.

Thank God for that. He's insane.

So you're after, like, cast info?

Need some advice.

I can't give you any numbers, but I know a man who can.

El Presidente of the Red Dwarf Fan Club.

Nothing that guy doesn't know about the small rouge one.

-We've got a fan club? -New guy just taken over.

Bit of a fanatic. Changed his name to Reg Wharf.

People have to call him Mr Wharf.

His sitting room looks just like your sleeping quarters.

Got an H tattooed on his head. He's not like us, he's a bit weird.

Reg, dude. It's Noddy here.

Sorry to interrupt the Warhammer, mate.

Uh, guess who I've got standing in my shop?

Go on, guess.

No.

No. Who?

No.

Shall I tell you? No.

No.

Shall I tell you? I'm gonna tell you anyway.

I've got standing in my shop the real, actual crew from Red Dwarf.

Had a bit of a dimension skid. Yeah, that's what I said.

Ah, well, they're trying to find out how many shows they've got left.

Exactly. Need some numbers, know you've got them.

What? Why?

(SIGHS)

Can't give out cast info. Space Corps Directive 596.

596?

(CHUCKLING) Love it when he does this and gets it all wrong.

596.

Space Corps Super Chimps performing acts of indecency

in zero gravity will lose all banana privileges.

No, sir, the crew's files are for the eyes of the Captain only.

-Ah! -So we're smegged?

CAT: What's that?

NODDY: That's Dave Lister's bath from season 9.

Best season ever, if you ask me. Awesome season. Best by miles.

You were in that. Remember when Kryten ran in

and told you that Kochanski had been sucked out of an airlock?

-Fish scale? -(SNIFFING) Not fish.

Could be a bit of poppadom.

Who doesn't eat a curry in the bath?

Maybe its artificial snake scale from the one the polymorph turned into.

Kryten.

(BEEPING)

It's got a licence number and a prop maker's name, Swallow.

Hey, hey, I've seen that name here.

Hey, here he is.

Swallow and cast waiting for taxis, fan convention 2009.

Kryten, scan the photo and beam it onto that TV.

Uncrop. Wait, what's that? Frame left.

-That card, zoom in. -CAT: Swallow. Pick up 3:00.

KRYTEN: Must be his taxi.

LISTER: Bet his address is on the other side.

RIMMER: Pull out. Stop. Wait, I've got an idea, track in.

Stop. Enhance reflection.

Need another reflective surface to get us back across the street.

Zoom in. Pan right.

See if there are any water droplets on that lamp post.

Got one. Thanks, Fido. Zoom 80.

Enhance reflection. Stop. Rotate 1 70.

Zoom 220.

CAT: What's that? RIMMER: Flop.

KRYTEN: That's the taxi driver. RIMMER: There's the business card.

Zoom 260. Rotate 90 degrees.

CAT: Track in. Swallow's business address.

Sir, wouldn't it have been quicker to look him up in the phone book?

Print me a 4 x 6 and any more remarks like that,

I'll ask for an A3 out of your waste disposal.

Makes latex masks for the film and TV industry.

Specialising in noses.

Maybe we track him down, he'll point us in the right direction.

But sir, how are we gonna get there? That's over 30 miles away.

I know. Holly Hop Drive.

Back on Red Dwarf.

Uh.

-Matter Paddle. -It's on the Dwarf.

Time slides where you walk into a photograph and...

It's back on the Red Dwarf, sir.

NODDY: Got it! Beam there.

-ALL: That's Star Trek! Not us. -KRYTEN: No, we don't do that, sir.

All right if you've got no teleportation systems

or anti-matter re-assemblers, no option.

You'll have to catch the bus.

Neurotic. I'm not neurotic.

I've never been neurotic. Neurotic. Neurotic!

Are they insane? Who writes this stuff?

I wasn't even neurotic when I was a kid.

Didn't have time. I was too busy washing my hands.

Hilarious. In what way am I hilarious?

Name one way in which I'm hilarious. One, just one. One way.

Well, you're pompous without reason, sir,

and you have hilariously unrealistic life goals.

When I'm Lord of the Star Fleet, Kryten, you'll pay for that remark.

Four for Lumpton Street bus depot, please.

LISTER: Hilariously unrealistic life goals.

That's true that, that's so true, that's funny.

-Where's first class? -It's all first class, mate.

Excellent. Looking forward to the complimentary champagne

and the little towels.

Look, let's split up so we don't look conspicuous, yeah?

LISTER: The actress who plays her.

Of course.

She's alive in this dimension, isn't she?

(CHILDREN WHISPERING)

You're Dave Lister, aren't you?

-Yeah. How do you know? -We watch it with Dad on Dave.

-Dave? -The TV channel.

What's it like having a whole TV channel named after you?

-A what? -You're pretty cool.

-Cool? -You don't take any smeg.

That's cool.

And even though you're disgusting, sometimes you're quite brave.

Are you sad about Kochanski?

We were sad, too. So was Dad. Then we worked it out.

-Worked what out? -She is not really dead.

You what?

Kryten was the only one to see her die, right?

See her get sucked out of the airlock. But she didn't.

-She didn't? -Kryten made it up.

-Why would he do that? -You were a mess. Falling apart.

Drinking, being daft.

She couldn't bear to stay and watch you die.

And you wouldn't listen so she took a Blue Midget and legged it.

Why would Kryten lie to me?

He was only trying to save your feelings.

So you wouldn't feel like a big fat loser.

You've been dumped.

I was dumped once. It was really horrible.

Dumped?

But that would mean... That would mean she was still alive.

She is still alive. I bet you.

She's really good at guessing stuff.

That DVD, Titanic, she knew that ship would sink right from the start.

She could tell.

Even in that Bible film, she said,

-"Jesus, he's not dead, I bet you." -Next series try and find her.

-Get her back. -And kiss her. I would.

There isn't gonna be a next series. I'm a fictional character.

I don't exist.

-I think you exist. -I do, too.

(BELL DINGS)

Hey, our stop.

Tell Rimmer he's a smeghead.

Hmm.

You think you outsmart me, yes? But you don't.

I here. Cut a second hole.

Science Officer. Excellent. So pleased you've caught up with us.

You gave me slip, I know.

You not want be erased, but you won't defeat me.

-I too smart. -Erase me?

I thought it was murder to kill a hologram?

No. Hologram already dead.

Morally, ethically, hologram killing fine.

Fair enough.

(GASPS)

-Come on, we haven't got all day. -She didn't see that coming, did she?

I did.

CAT: Man, this is too weird for words.

Nose World, here it is.

Maker of latex masks for the TV industry specialising in noses.

Didn't know I could read Chinese.

You really think this guy will be able to help?

He worked on the TV show, we're all fictional characters in,

he's got to know the address of our creator.

Well, say he doesn't?

Well, at least you'll be able to pick up a spare nose.

Ooh!

Hey. That's my coat.

He's wearing my coat. Give me that! Where'd you get my coat?

I get from Red Dwarf Costume Department. End of series 9.

I steal many things, sell on eBay.

I even steal car from Red Dwarf fan club president.

Why you here?

Illogical. You should be inside TV.

Questions.

Need answers. How many episodes have we got left?

Is it true we're going to die?

I don't know that stuff.

I just do noses. Latex.

Who does know?

(SIGHS)

Big Boss. He know everything. He big genius.

He make your brain. He make your brain, too.

-It was a Friday. -How do we get to see him?

I know man who know where.

He know Big Boss. He know address.

Oh, so cold.

You said before you stole a car.

Red Dwarf fan club president car.

You want to borrow? All legal.

RIMMER: You can't be serious.

CAT: We're not driving this.

KRYTEN: Sirs, we'll be a laughing stock.

Well, beggars can't be choosers.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

KRYTEN: Initiating landing procedure. Everyone on standby.

Cabin crew. Prepare for landing.

CAT: Security checks commencing. All personnel in position.

-Everyone returned from the restroom? -ALL: Check.

-All little tables folded away? -ALL: Check.

-CAT: Seat belts on? -ALL: Check.

Winkers to shutdown. Landing gear down.

Requesting landing line.

Suggest left-hand traffic pattern, sir,

towards that landing light edifice at the end of the street.

LISTER: Applying brakes now. Velocity decreasing.

KRYTEN: Revs 2,000 and dwindling.

CAT: Pavement in sight. Landing lights locked.

KRYTEN: Stand by, we're attempting to stop. Good luck, everybody.

Handbrake engaging. Ignition off.

-Wow, we made a good landing. -Well done, everyone.

-Okay, doors to manual. -Check.

Disembark in your own time, gentlemen.

What sort of godforsaken place is this?

-This is worse than Rimmer World. -Get out of town, this is brilliant.

This is just like where I grew up, except there's less burning cars.

I'll find out where Mr Charles is from that information droid.

Salutations, old droid, sir.

I'm looking for the actor Craig Charles. Can you direct?

Perhaps it's over-heated. Are you usually that red?

I'm going to place this instrument into your voice unit

and I want you to say, "Ah."

-Hi, it's me. Where are you? -CRAIG: I'm in the Rovers, kid. Why?

See you in a minute.

Seems to be some sort of malfunction, sirs.

(BEEPING)

Good grief. Vandals have stolen the droid's entire hard drive

and stuffed envelopes through its voice unit.

-What kind of place is this? -Let's ask in the shop.

Let me do the talking, sir. I've been studying the dialect.

I'll wait outside, guard car bug.

Earth, man.

(SNIFFS)

Smell those chip butties.

(DOOR OPENS)

Hiya, chuck, pal, love, sir. We're looking, I mean, looooking,

for granny-grabbing, philandering taxi driver,

Lloyd Mullaney, as played by Craig Charles.

I think he's in the Rovers learning his lines.

Is this some sort of joke?

The Rovers? Well, I'll stand at the bottom of our stairs

and eat a barn cake. We were just past that, weren't we, lads?

-Aye, we were, weren't we? -(SIGHS) What a load of numpties.

-Get your keks on, lads, we're sorted. -Quality.

-Mint. -Ta very much, chuck, pal, love, sir.

-See ya. -Ta-ra, pet.

Good job, chaps. We were so authentic it was frightening.

Oi. You'll never guess who I've just seen.

All your mates from Red Dwarf.

-They're outside. -Serious?

Yeah. They've just landed in a little spaceship.

It was green. What's it called?

Listen, mate, don't mess about. I've got loads of lines to learn.

I've got a massive scene this afternoon.

But I'm serious. I know what I saw.

-Even you were there. -I was there? How many have you had?

Well, I've had a couple, but listen, I've just seen you.

So high, ugly, it's definitely you.

Hi, guys. What are you doing here?

Ah, Mr Charles, sir. My name is Kryten.

I'm a fictitious character from the television series Red Dwarf

and we really need your help.

Told you.

(DOOR OPENS)

You're the only one that can help us, man.

I've heard about these. They're called flashbacks, flashbacks.

-I know you don't exist. -Okay, no need to rub it in.

Just give us the address of whoever created us

and we’ll jump into Starbug and be out of here.

-Starbug? -I just told you.

They landed outside the Kabin.

That is okay, isn't it? We're not going to get a ticket, are we?

You're not all here. I know you're not all here.

He's not all here, but the rest of us are.

Yeah.

You see, sir, we're from an alternate dimension

and we need answers, like how many episodes do we have left?

Um, I know how many episodes you've got left.

-How many? -Er, one.

It's called Back to Earth, Part 3. Script due in a couple of days.

All we need from you is an address, bud.

-We've got to speak to our creator. -And I've got to get back to the Priory.

I am so glad I'm not him. The guy's a wreck

and pretending to be somebody else all day, that's no way to make a living.

Smeghead.

(DOORBELL CHIMING)

Visitors, sir.

I'm surprised you didn't find me sooner.

It's not an easy thing to find your creator.

And how can he assist you?

We want more life, smegger.

A series cancellation sequence can't be revised once it's established.

What about all the loose ends, me and Kochanski, getting back home?

I grew weary of you.

Does this mean this is our last episode, sir?

The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long.

Yeah, but the light that burns half as bright burns four times as long.

But the light that burns three-quarters as bright burns five-eighths as long

as the light that burns a quarter as bright as the light that's gone out.

I'd have needed a calculator for that.

The point is, gentlemen, you have all burned so very, very brightly

and for so very, very long just like the red dwarf star itself.

Nothing lasts forever, not even...

banks.

What about a Kryten spin-off series? I could be his sidekick.

Or a sitcom? I'd even do a sitcom, anything, anything to stay alive.

-What about a show about cats? -That'd never work.

Look, what you need is me and Kryten thrown back in time

like a new kind of Robin Hood and each week he gets captured

and is about to be burnt at the stake

for witchcraft or just having a stupid head and each week I,

in a different new brave new way, rescue him bravely.

All right it sucks. Fair enough.

Your deaths will be magnificent.

Sad and beautiful.

The shooting script.

Let me describe it for you.

You try to escape your destiny and run.

I give chase.

(CROWD CLAMOURING)

Move out of my way.

Move.

Move. Move. Move. Out of my way.

(GUNSHOTS)

Sad and beautiful.

Blade Runner is the film which inspired both your creation and your death.

Gentlemen,

time to die.

-Come here. -You'd kill me?

You're damn right we would. You know how much you've made me suffer?

The life you created for me, all those cheap laughs.

All that stuff about Rachel, the inflatable doll?

All the jokes about my puncture repair kit.

Actually, that bit was funny. Sorry, carry on.

Did you ever think how I felt? Start writing.

I save the day. I get a girlfriend who's gorgeous and crazy about me

and before you even think of it, after we've bonked each other senseless,

she doesn't turn out to be my long-lost sister.

Damn, how did you know I was thinking that?

RIMMER: Because I know how you think.

Now write me a happy ending or we'll take you with us.

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

You can never win.

Accept it and die well.

(GASPING) If you kill me, you moron, you'll cease to exist.

Haven't you been following any of this?

I've been dead for ages, man.

Just sitting around, getting old and fat.

I never thought I had responsibility to anyone,

I never thought there was anyone out there who was on my side,

who wanted to things to work out. We've got a fan club.

They've even named a TV station after me.

I was never alone. I just didn't realise it.

Now I want more life, smegger!

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

-I've killed him. -Well, we shouldn't exist.

All I wanted was a sitcom, a sitcom in a biscuit factory.

-Is that really too much to ask? -I killed him.

How can I kill him? That's not me. I don't kill people.

You killed him because he made you kill him, sir.

Kryten, Page 1 9, "You killed him, sir, because he made you kill him".

It's all in here. He lied to us about our deaths on the street.

That was just to throw us off.

He killed us by getting us to kill him and now we're going to die, too, because

there's no one to keep us alive.

He's right. In fact, I don't think I feel too well.

-Me, either. -I think I'm going to...

-CAT: Check the end, see what happens. -Oh, yeah.

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

We can write our own end.

Of course, what's written happens.

We're free now.

Hey, man, I feel like a god.

I feel like I've got liquid gold coursing through every vein in me body.

Hey, we can get out of this. As long as we've got this,

we control the world, we can do whatever we want.

-I could command my own ship. -I could get Kochanski back.

Ooh! I could get some new sponges.

Hey, how come I didn't get a line there?

I just gave you one there. I knew you'd be smegged off.

I control everything.

So the rest of our loaves can be one giant hedonistic wash fulfilment.

Typos, sorry guys.

You really think you can write your wee out of this?

Hey, witch me, baby, just witch me.

He controls the world. He can do anything he wants.

I could, if I wanted to, do this.

(VOCALISING)

(RIMMER HUMMING NONSENSE)

Lister, stop. That's an order.

(VOCALISING)

(GROANS)

This is brilliant.

What's he doing?

You've git to hop me stoop him, sir. Hop me stoop him.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHING)

Ow.

(GRUNTS)

This is absolutely awesome.

All right, next step. Happy ending.

Back off, sir. There's no way we can get to him.

Whoa! I didn't type that, or that.

Hey, I'm not typing this, guys, what's happened?

Maybe it's not the typewriter that's controlling our world.

Maybe it's something else.

What is it with these damn things? Why do I keep making them?

-Useless. -What actually is it, sir?

There's something inside. Blow.

It looks like a squid.

Why would I be making squids?

That something else that controls the world.

How about it's our combined subconscious?

Like the time we were ambushed by the Despair Squid?

On that ocean planet? That thing that attacked us years ago.

Whoa, whoa, hang on a minute.

Are you saying the creature in the water tank,

the one that inked us,

was another Despair Squid? Because I don't feel despair,

I feel elation, joy.

I've felt great since I got here. In here, I'm somebody.

-It's made me want to live again. -(SHUSHING) Footsteps. Do you hear them?

Kochanski. I can smell her perfume.

I can get her back again. Kids, everything I've ever wanted.

But in the real world, sir, you'll be dying. This isn't real.

It'll feel real.

-Not in your heart. -I've got no option, Krytie.

This is the only chance I've got of getting her back again.

Miss Kochanski's not dead, sir.

Those kids were right?

I lied to you, sir. She dumped you. I was trying to protect you.

She's out there somewhere.

She's in here somewhere, as well. In fact, she's right behind that door.

In this world she loves me.

In fact, in this world she's going to love me until the moment I die.

-She's not real. -Nobody's perfect.

Look, I'm becoming transparent. I'm returning to reality.

Me, too. Sir!

I've got to stay.

What the hell happened there? I need diagrams and pointy arrows.

Best guess, our natural defences fought back.

Our previous encounter with the creature must have strengthened our antibodies.

Which gave us the option to choose between realities,

this one or the one that started when Kremlin Kate showed up.

What if monkey boy chooses not to fight this?

Then he won't be coming out.

It seems you're undecided about which reality you wish to live in.

I'm mulling it over.

Would you mind if I asked you a question?

Shoot.

In your dreams, did you kiss me?

Was it good?

I never wanted to wake up.

Then don't.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Where are you going?

I have to leave and get you back.

The real me?

(SCOFFS) You'll never get me. I'm way out of your league.

I thought that too, but I was wrong.

You were right.

No, I'm pretty cool. I don't take any smeg.

And even though I'm disgusting, sometimes I can be quite brave.

-You'll never get me. -Yeah. I will.

I mean, explain this.

How can me getting everything I've ever wanted be caused by despair ink?

Analysis of the creature, sir, suggests it's a female.

Male squid, female squid, what's the difference?

Females can do 10 squiddy things at once

but not so good at reversing round rocks?

The male defence system is an ink that produces despair.

It seems that the female ink causes the opposite.

What, gives you joy?

That's like attacking something that retaliates

by giving you an Indian head massage

or an aromatherapy luxury nail treatment.

What kind of crazy defence mechanism is that?

Well, it's an ingenious one, sir, because it means you stop attacking it.

Yeah. And while you're all happy-clappy, she scarpers, right?

Precisely, sir.

How did she get on board?

I kind of brought her.

Years ago? From that Ocean planet?

# I'm going to eat you, little fishy 'cause I like little fish #

Then she escaped. I knew you guys would get mad, so I didn't say nothing.

Boy, has she grown?

So what's going to happen to her?

I'm thinking sushi time.

I'm thinking we drop her off at the nearest ocean moon.

Make some happy sea life.

CAT: What's going to happen to everybody in the reality we left?

The guys all watching us on TV.

Well, they'll continue to exist as a consequence of us

creating them in our hallucination, sir. It's quantum mechanics.

Every decision that's made creates a new universe,

as do all dreams and hallucinations. It's multiverse 101 .

But those sad suckers will live out the rest of their lives

convinced they're the real ones and we're characters from a TV show.

And you know if you told them the truth, you know what they'd probably do?

-Laugh. -Yeah.

(ALL LAUGHING)

They probably would.

# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #