Original subtitles

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

did gyre and gimble in the wabe.

All mimsy were the borogoves,

and the mome raths outgrabe.

It is the middle of the Dark Ages.

Ages darker than anyone had ever expected.

An horrendous monster casts a dreadful pall of fear

over a once-happy land.

As towns and villages are torn apart,

the helpless survivors seek refuge

behind the walls of the great city.

But out in the forest,

in isolated pockets still untouched

by the ravages of the monster,

life and business goes on as usual.

Twelve, 13, 14.

There's another little one. Fifteen.

What are you doing out there, Dennis?

Stock-taking, Father.

Thought you took stock this morning.

Oh, yes, I did.

But it never hurts to keep an accurate, up-to-the-moment account of your stock.

In business nowadays, Father...

Never mind that nonsense and come and help me with this cask.

All right, Father. I'll finish stock-taking later.

There.

You see, the secret of the craft is to keep the stake...

Take hold of the hoop.

Hello, Dennis. Ralph.

Oh.

- Good day, Mr. Fishfinger. - Aye.

- Can I be of some assistance to you today? - Oh, Dennis. What are you...

Yes, well, uh, you see, I need some barrels, Dennis,

for shipping dried fish to the city.

Big demand there, you know, since this monster scare.

Oh, my goodness. Prices going up all the time.

That's great. That's great.

But tell me, do you believe all these stories about, uh, whole villages being destroyed?

Well, I haven't actually seen the monster myself, you know.

But when I was over in Muckley the other day...

Muckley? That's quite a ways, isn't it?

It's two mile or more, easy.

Gosh, I'd like to travel someday, Mr. Fishfinger.

- Anyway, about the monster... - Oh, yes.

Well, uh, this grain merchant, you see, over in Muckley,

he claimed that he'd actually seen it.

Turned his teeth snow-white overnight, they say.

Ugh.

Anyway, about the barrels.

Yes, well, must be cheap.

First class, but cheap. Must be cheap.

I think we can attend to your needs, Mr. Fishfinger.

Exactly how, uh... inexpensive?

No more than a tuppence apiece.

Tuppence? What are you talking about, Fishfinger?

I can't turn out a decent barrel for that price and you know it.

- Look, Father, don't you think... - Now, Ralph, look, be sensible.

The barrels have only got to last until they get to the city. It's easy money.

No!

I don't make barrels to last two or three days, Fishfinger.

I make barrels to last a lifetime. I'm a craftsman.

- Yes, we know. Everybody knows. - It's something you'll never understand.

Or you either, Dennis, I'm afraid.

You don't want barrels! You want bags!

- I... - Now get out!

- Look, Father... - Out!

And don't come back here with your shoddy deals.

- Yes. - Bah!

- Good-bye. Good-bye, Ralph. - Tuppence.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Fishfinger. - It's all right, Dennis. It's all right.

He's given me a very good idea.

It's all right.

Wait, Mr. Fishfinger! I think I can get it...

Bye, Dennis. Salute!

Tuppence.

Griselda.

- Griselda. - Yeah?

It is I, Dennis, come to see you.

I see.

How are you, my love?

- Have you missed me? - Huh?

Oh, Griselda, it's lovely to see you again.

I think about you all day long when I'm taking stock.

I dream of the day when I'll ask your father for your hand in marriage.

We'll build that little cottage near the village green.

I'll come home from the shop. We'll have supper together.

Hey, Roger! Roger, what are you doing?

- I just... You... - What?

Oh, Griselda.

Sorry.

Griselda.

I can't ask you to declare your love for me till I'm in a better position to marry you.

But say you'll wait for me. Say I've got a chance.

Oh, let go.

- Why, Griselda? Why? - I've gotta scratch.

Oh, Griselda. Griselda, I...

Oh! Sorry, Dennis.

- How's your father? - Oh, never better, Mrs. Fishfinger.

- That Dennis Cooper out there? - Yes.

Hello, Dennis.

You've got garbage all over your vest.

Tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk.

Really ought to look after your appearance, you know. Very bad for business.

Oh, by the way, I thought you'd like to know,

I got Wat, the mercer, to run me up a few cloth bags.

Only a ha'penny each.

I wish I could have convinced Father to see it your way, Mr. Fishfinger.

Yes, well, you see, a man's got to move with the times.

Still, when you take over the shop,

no doubt we'll do a lot of business together, you and I.

That won't be for some time yet, Mr. Fishfinger.

Well, you never know. Never know.

Oh, well, it's getting late. I'd better be going.

Okay by me.

Drop in any time, Dennis.

Good-bye, Griselda.

Father!

- Is that you, Dennis? - Yes, Father.

Come closer, Dennis.

Yes, Father.

What happened?

My heart.

I haven't long.

I'm going to... I'm going to...

Throw up?

No.

- Oh, Father. - Son.

What shall I do without your guiding hand, without your skill?

- Son. - Yes, Father?

I'll tell you.

You're going to end up just like that...

F... F... F...

Fishfinger.

Who, me?

Oh, Father, I know Mr. Fishfinger is a very successful businessman, but...

Because you've got no understanding

of craftsmanship,

no appreciation of the beauty of the wood.

Because you're just a shallow,

dull, pretentious...

- Father! - Little...

s-s-s-stock-taker.

Oh, Father, you're delirious.

- Yeah. - You don't know what you're saying.

Oh, yes, I do, you... you whimpering,

snotty-nosed, cretinous oaf!

I've wanted to say this for years.

Father, we're not alone.

You're everything I despise!

Dad's raving, I'm afraid.

No, he's not.

You and your kind will drive good, honest craftsmen to the wall.

Do you hear? To the wall!

Honestly, Dad, I was only trying to improve the business.

You won't have my business...

to improve anymore.

Not my cooperage.

Because I'm... I'm taking it with me.

- But, Dad, I don't understand. - Don't understand, you damn ninny?

I'm renouncing you. You're no son of mine. You're no craftsman's son.

Get out.

Out of my sight...

stock-taker!

Griselda! Griselda, my angel!

Go away. We're eating.

Is Griselda there?

- Is that Dennis Cooper? - Uh, yes, sir.

- Can I speak to Griselda? - She's eating, Dennis.

What do you want?

I'm going away, Mr. Fishfinger, to the city.

I'm going to make good, come back and claim Griselda's hand.

So you will, Dennis. Good-bye.

Griselda. Griselda, I'm going away.

Say something. Say anything.

Pass the potatoes.

I heard that! You are in there, Griselda!

My darling, I'm going away. I may not even see you...

That's rotten!

For me?

Griselda, you do care.

A keepsake.

Something that will always remind me of you.

Oh, Griselda, I'll carry this next to my heart until the day when we next...

Say good-bye to the boy, Grissy.

Meet.

Good-bye, Griselda.

No, no!

- Stay away! - Stay away from me! No!

No!

What's that? What's that?

No! Aaah! Aaah!

Ahh.

Good morning, Your Majesty.

Good morning, Passelewe.

- Good morning to you, sir! - And to you, sir! A fine day!

Truly. Your business goes well, I trust.

One doesn't like to complain. And your own commercial efforts?

Oh-ho! One does one's best, you know.

I understand you're opening a new shop.

Yes, down by the town gate. It's an area of considerable growth.

Oh, I agree. I trust we'll be hearing from you with an order soon.

Oh, certainly. That is, if your prices are as competitive as they were.

Ah, surely.

By the way, what's the latest wine-to-water ratio?

- Did you see it this morning? - It came just as I left the house.

It's two wine to one water still, but I don't see how it can hold at that rate.

They're very lucky to be getting any wine at all, you know.

Is that all?

I thought I detected a certain wanness in the last consignment you sent me.

Oh, that's odd. It was very robust when it left my premises.

Get a move on.

Let me send you a sample of our new shipment of port with my compliments.

Move it, you lame buggers.

That would be most kind of you.

Why do you suppose the king has called this council?

Only the Lord knows... Get going, you.

But I have heard that the chamberlain is urging him to take measures against the monster.

Measures? That would allow the peasants to leave the city?

It could very well be. And that would not be good for business.

Move it, you slugs! Move!

- Come on! - Get a move on!

Come on! Move!

Come on! Move it!

Dig in! Come on!

Stop!

- After you. - No, you first. Please.

You're too kind.

Attention!

Your Most Glorious Majesty,

King Bruno the Questionable...

son of Olaf the Loud.

Oh! he's coming! H-He's coming!

- I'm not finished yet. - Oh, look out! He's here!

Oh! Aah!

Your Majesty.

Do pay attention, Your Majesty.

Surely you must see it's a matter of the gravest urgency.

- Yes. Yes, of course, Passelewe. - Jesus Christ!

Quick, sire, down!

Stop it!

Go on.

Bless my soul.

Great-grand-nephew

of Emperor Otto the Bent...

conqueror...

of Freedonia.

- Let him go! - Get up, man.

Silly thing. You'll get your rags all dirty.

Sire. Help us, sire.

The monster is ravaging the countryside.

It has destroyed our homes.

W-We haven't eaten in days.

- Weeks. - Months.

E-Except I et my shoe yesterday.

Oh, that's nothin'. I et three toes off of my, um... right foot.

- Terrible monster which... - That ain't your right foot.

Know-it-all. Are you a doctor or summat?

- But please... - I saw a doctor once.

He didn't see me. I was hiding.

Y-Your Majesty,

save us from the great, green beast.

- Gray! - The side I saw was a dirty yellow.

- No, it were more orange-y. - No, it was gray!

What... Now stop it.

Stop it, all of you! Go on, get out, get out, get out.

What are you doing? Go on, get out.

I'll read this to the king.

Stop it! Go on!

You know, it seems to me, Passelewe,

that my subjects are becoming a pain in the arse.

Yes, well, my dear, you must do something.

I mean, your kingdom is paralyzed with fear.

The city below is overflowing with refugees.

I mean, they're simple people, Bruno,

and easy prey for every sharp-witted merchant and trickster.

Past Grand Master, Royal Order of Lowndes,

Victor, Savior of Wales.

- Hey! - Thank you.

Your Majesty, your council meets today in solemn session

to urgently discuss the terrible havoc wreaked by the monster

all over the countryside.

Look, I'm telling ya,

nobody gets in here without money or possessions.

But I've got possessions.

- See? - Ah, that's only a rock.

- Only a rock? - Yeah.

Listen. What if this is not just an ordinary rock?

What if this is a diamond?

It don't shine. Now get outta here!

Get outta here! Get outta here!

Right. Next. What have you got?

Any grain? Any cloth?

Uh, no, I haven't got anything, really.

But it's very important that I get in the city.

Yeah, that's what they all say.

- Now, move along. - No, no, you don't understand.

I've come to get a job. I'm starting all over again.

I've got lots of good ideas, and I think that once in there I could...

Now, look, sonny. Shove off, eh?

Wait a minute. What have you got here?

What's this?

You told us you had nothing.

- Cor! - That's not for eating.

What do you mean? You could last for a week on that.

Just a minute. What are you up to, sonny?

Oh, nothing, nothing. It's a memento.

A memento?

My sweetheart gave it to me before I left home.

She gave you that?

Yes. Can I have it back, please?

Gosh, she must really love you.

- Do you really think so? - Yeah.

I've got a sort of sticky feeling inside me just thinking of it.

You sure are a lucky guy.

Come on, Fred, cut it out!

- He's not getting in. - I've got to!

- Give him a break. Just this once. - No chance.

Now push off, you.

Just 'cause he's got a potato...

Look, I'm telling you, that's what they all say.

Wait a minute. Hey, you!

Come back!

That's far enough!

Let's have a look at your legs.

No.

Next!

And so, Your Majesty,

your great-great-great-great-great-grandfather,

King Max the Vainglorious,

by a tournament

chose from his knights a champion to free the kingdom from the pestilence.

"Mounted on his mighty charger, Sir Bromiades waged ..."

What's that?

Quickly, man. Somebody might be trying to poison me.

Plaster, Your Majesty.

Oh. Carry on, Passelewe.

- "Mounted on his, uh, 11th ..." - Wait.

- "Mounted on his mighty ..." - No, wait.

- Twelfth century, I think. - Shut up!

Fool. Carry on, Passelewe.

"Until peace was once more restored to the kingdom.

With that, King Max rode back to the cheers of his subjects,

who lined the road for over 50 miles."

Fifty miles?

You mean they cheered him all that way?

Wow.

They certainly must have respected him.

You're right, Passelewe. We'll hold a tournament.

It's years since we heard the clash of sword against shield,

the clamor of mightily armored knights crashing to the ground,

the spurt of blood as the dagger is thrust into unprotected groin.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, dear. No, no, no, no.

What I had in mind was a... was a tournament à plaisance.

À plaisance?

Passelewe, do my ear holes hear right?

À plaisance, with blunted sword and collared lance?

Where's the honor in that?

Where's the glory in a bunch of buffoons playing pillow fights, eh?

No, it must be l'outrance.

To the death.

- Please, Bruno, please. - No, no, no.

Go with all speed and make the arrangements.

I can't wait to tell the princess.

Daughter?

Still working hard, I see.

You and the blessed sisters of misery.

Well...

what are you making, Daughter?

A tapestry, Father, depicting the famous siege of Castle Apcadwallader.

See?

In this portion, the king is eating his horse

on the 98th day of the siege.

Splendid!

Very pretty, Daughter. Yes, but you were always...

Careful, Father. Sister Winnet fell out last week.

Daughter, our kingdom will soon be free of the monster.

I have declared a tournament to find a champion to destroy it.

What, the kingdom?

Oh, no, of course not, silly. No, the monster.

Oh! I see.

Yes, and not only that,

but the successful knight will win your hand in marriage.

Marriage?

Yes, well, you want to be married, surely?

- Of course I do, Daddy. - Well, then...

But I want to marry a prince. I'm supposed to marry a prince.

That's why I wait in this tower, just like all the books say to do.

Are any of the contestants princes?

Well, not exactly.

- No? - No.

- But I could make one a prince, couldn't I? - No.

- No, I mean, the winner. - It's not the same.

No, not really.

Ah, well, never mind.

Once the monster is destroyed,

I will build you a beautiful bridal suite

in the lovely West Tower.

On second thought,

I think the view from the lovely East Tower would be infinitely more preferable.

Hmm?

- Who is it? - Uh, excuse me.

Watch him. Watch him.

I wonder if I could have some of your soup?

He's after our soup.

- Somebody stop him! - Poke a hole in 'im!

- I'll do anything. - Anything?

- Will he gather firewood? - I don't know. What do you think?

I think we should poke a hole in 'im.

I'll collect some firewood for you if you let me have some of your soup.

Where do I get it from?

Ah.

Oh. Um...

Well... could I have a little taste of the soup first, just to see if I like it?

No, I thought not.

Well, I'd better go then.

The firewood, was it?

Uh... yes.

So, you've discovered my diamond mine, have you?

- No. I was just gathering firewood. - Liar!

It's the diamonds you're after, isn't it?

These are not diamonds. They're just rocks.

Just rocks?

Quick thinking.

But not quick enough to save your skin.

The secret of my diamond mine dies with you!

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

I just dropped in to tell you to, uh, start without me.

Perhaps another night.

Huh?

Huh?

Hey! Hey! Oi! Oi! Hold on there!

Open up! Open the door!

Open it up! Open up in there!

Oi! Open it! Open the door!

Open the door!

Rush hour!

Harken, before it is too late!

Prepare!

Cleanse yourselves! The beast is at the gates!

Prepare yourselves!

The beast is at the gates!

Cleanse yourselves!

Prepare!

The beast is at the gates!

Cleanse yourselves!

All citizens, listen to me!

Yeah, you better listen!

You'd better bloody listen!

- Are you listening up? - Listen up! Listen up!

You'd better listen up!

Shut up!

You never listen.

- Sin! - Sin! Sin!

Yes, the bristling spikes of the pondylus.

The pondylus!

The pointed crests of the dactylopters.

The dactylopters!

- The trigla. - The trigla!

♪ And the flying hogfish ♪

♪ And the flying hogfish ♪

Are as nothing compared to the beast that holds us prisoner!

The beast that...

Flying hogfish?

I seen a gliding hogfish once.

Never flying.

Not actually flying.

Cabbages.

Cabbages.

Rats killed, lady. All very tidy.

All very quiet.

- Morning. - Oh, morning.

- I'm afraid I haven't got any money. - Oh. Oh, that's all right.

Thank you, guv... Oh! Thank you.

Thank you.

Is that yours?

Of course it is.

Whose did you think it was?

- You're new to the city? - Uh, yes. Yes.

I came here from the country to start a new life here, get a job.

A job? No chance, son.

Oh, thank you, guv'nor.

Well, surely there must be plenty of opportunities.

Morning. Thank you.

I am a qualified cooper's apprentice.

A cooper's apprentice.

Well, what a coincidence.

I'm a cooper myself.

You may even have heard of me. Wat Dabney.

Wat Dabney?

Not the Wat Dabney.

- The inventor of the inverted firkin? - The very same, lad.

- Cor! - Now...

if I can't get a job here, what chance have you got?

Come here. Here.

You see that plaque? There. Under the barrel.

- Oh, yeah. - Well, that's a guild sign.

To work there you've got to be a member of the guild.

But you're not and I'm not.

And not likely to be.

But that's not fair.

Fair or not, the guilds have this town sewn up.

Morning.

But what am I gonna do?

Well, it's no good going round with a long face, is it?

I did for weeks. Nearly starved.

Then, only this morning I thought of this.

Hey.

Maybe we could team up together.

Sure.

- All you gotta do is... - No. No, thank you.

No, no, good-bye. I think it's a one-man business, really.

Well, what a golden chance he's missing.

Attention! Attention, ladies and gentlemen!

Your attention, please!

"In my humble capacity as herald to His Magn...

Magnificence,

King Bruno the Questionable...

it is my privilege to announce...

A joost ..."

Sorry. "A joust...

to the death

to choose a... champion...

champion to free the country...

to... to free the country from the torments of the ..."

Excuse me. Um... please?

Thank you very much.

"As a reward for killing the monster,

the king's champion will receive

half the princess's hand and the entire kingdom in marriage."

Correction. It is, of course...

It is, of course, the king's hand and half the princess's kingdom.

Excuse me.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes, I see. Thank you. Thank you.

I've just received final confirmation of the final terms.

It is, of course, the princess's hand

and half the entire kingdom.

Beware the Jabberwock, my son.

- Cabbages. Cabbages. - The jaws that bite.

- The claws that catch. - Could I have one for nothing?

Go on. Get off.

Hot roasted rats! Only a farthing!

Rats on a stick!

In a very short time one of you is going to be the lucky owner of this egg!

Get 'em hot!

There you are, sonny. Off you go then.

Get your rats! Only a farthing!

Turnips. Turnips. Get your tur... Get your turnips here.

Turnips. Turnips. Get your turnips.

I want it!

Jesus Christ!

I'm awfully sorry. I only wanted a bite of turnip.

Just keep walking.

Oh! Hold up one minute, sir. I'll have you out in two shakes.

I'm on it, really.

How about that, then?

First-class service as advertised. Don't forget. Tell your friends.

- Where do you want it? - Over there by the burnishing pit.

Over there by the burnishing pit!

I suppose you want this lot due in today?

What happened? A tree fall on him?

All right up there, are you?

You the master armorer here? Just look at this arm brace.

You call that workmanship?

- I can't do... - And look at this damned bar!

What's wrong with it?

You can't please some people. They want miracles.

- I said the best Italian armor. - Yes, but them arm braces I sent for...

I don't want to hear it. You said Friday afternoon.

- And to me that means Friday afternoon! - Don't be impatient.

- I put three of my best men on the job. - No good! No good!

- Here... - Get back!

Come on, boys. Come on.

And don't bother sending a bill either.

Excuse me.

Excuse me! I couldn't help noticing...

Get outta here!

I couldn't help noticing that you could increase your efficiency

if you moved your box to here.

Yeah!

Clumsy idiot!

- Come on. Let's get out of here. - I was just trying to improve his efficiency.

- You did it beautifully. Beautiful! - What about him?

Come on! I'll buy you a drink!

We'll go to the Queen's Hemorrhoids, lad.

- Mmm. - That better?

Oh, yes.

- I can't remember when I ate last. - Yes, I know.

I once went without food for 147 days.

147 days?

Yeah, the winter of '52. The siege of Caerlaverock.

Food was so short... What's the matter? You got a stomachache or something?

Oh, no. No, no, I was just trying to work out what my next move would be, that's all.

Yeah, so was I.

What? Geez, why worry?

But I've got to worry.

It's a very big step coming from a small village to a big city like this.

Don't I know!

That's what attracted me to the life of a squire... the traveling.

One day you're out in Hertford hunting heretics,

the next day up in Scotland being burned at the stake.

It's the adventure.

Like the time me and my knights

was fighting the Blessed Sisters of St. Alopecia.

A band of warrior nuns. They really...

It sounds very exciting, yes. But how secure is it?

- Now, you take coopering. - Coopering?

Coopering!

Hell, that's no life for a man!

It is too! Barrels and casks are very important.

- Now, in commerce... - Commerce?

Rubbish!

Now, you listen to me.

My knight was wounded, see,

and there was I with my back to the wall,

two whacking great nuns coming at me with maces.

Well, I hardly think fighting nuns is a very respectable way to...

Here! I'll show you! Come here!

There. You try. Come at me. Put up!

- Pretend that drumstick is a mace. - I don't...

Oh, come on.

Really let me have it. Hmm?

- Come on. - I can't.

Go for me! Hyah! I deflected the mace!

Then I grabbed her like this!

- I want you to talk to the landlord for me. - What?

Then I threw her again, like that!

- I want you to distract him. - What for?

You berk! She was tough, see. But I grabbed her in the old‒

- Ooh! - Just keep him talking.

- I don't understand. - You will.

Just do it!

Now, here comes the best part.

She broke my grip, see. She was coming in for the kill!

Aah! When...

I turned tail and ran for it, slamming shut the castle doors!

I barred them with a lance!

Grabbing one of the novices as a hostage...

I fought my way up to the battlements,

hacking and slashing as I went!

Voilà! In tears! In cuts!

Easily outdistancing the enemy...

I escaped.

What the bloody... Open this! Boy!

Open it up! Open it up!

Boy.

What the bloody hell?

All right, let's have a bit of decorum here.

- What do you want? - Uh, well, I was just wondering if, um...

Well, speak up. I'm a busy man.

Yes, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Um, I used to be a cooper's apprentice, and I was, uh...

All right, coming up right away. Well, what is it, boy? Spit it out.

I j-just wondered whether you could tell me something about the inn-keeping business.

- Is there a way to change trades... - What, now?

Mr. Rotcod, the party in the corner is still waiting.

Tell them it's coming up right away. Just go away. I've got no time.

Perhaps it would help if you'd put the pitcher of ale over here

and the jar of mead over here.

'Cause I couldn't help noticing you were impairing your efficiency by...

Christ's kidneys. Will you get out of my way!

Here, Betty. Come and give me a hand here.

Your wife's not here!

- Your wife? - Not here?

Not here? Where is she?

Well, s-she's...

- She's what? - I don't know.

M-M-Maybe she's...

And where's that friend of yours? That loudmouthed squire?

What?

- No. No. - "No" what?

They're not upstairs. I mean, they're not... they're not... here.

N-N-No, no, they're not here. Not here.

What?

You swine!

I'm gonna kill him. Then I'm gonna kill you.

Right.

- Oh-ho! - You...

I'm going to get you!

Oh, you sweet-talker, you!

Oh, you toad!

Right! What's all this?

Brawling in the public streets. Disturbing the king's peace, eh?

This man... My wife... Let go of me.

All right, hold him, Fred. Now, young fella...

Here, I know you!

Fred, it was him who tried to get in the other day.

- My wife and that squire! - Let's take 'em to the dungeon.

A few days there will sort 'em out.

Righto. Then we can put irons on their legs, eh?

But...

You can't!

Destroy the monster? Oh, sire.

If you destroy the monster, you destroy the city.

In the long term, it will be shown that we owe to the monster

a period of prosperity unprecedented in this kingdom.

Oh, this is ridiculous. Your Majesty, the tournament must continue.

A champion must be chosen.

- Bruno. - Eh?

The merchants may be prospering, but your kingdom's on the verge of collapse.

Oh. Yes. Oh, well, ah... Now, that...

Now hear this!

The king,

that flower of chivalry, that prince of monarchs,

that paragon of potentates, is going to speak.

Hear the wisdom, witness the wit,

observe the oratorical eloquence,

lend an ear...

Beautifully said.

To the mellow voice, the tender tones,

the voluptuous vowels, the coruscating consonants

of His Majesty King Bruno.

Very lovely. Well, I...

Who is going to give it to you straight, illuminate the essence,

clarify the conundrums, dazzle us with logic.

My lords, Your Grace, Your Honor...

the king.

Eh? Oh! Oh, yes, yes.

Bishop, my dear fellow, how can you, a man of God, say that the beast is good? Hmm?

I, uh, welcome your question. Yes.

Uh, indeed, it may seem paradoxical, but...

since the advent of the beast,

church attendance has tripled, tithing has increased,

long lines of sinners wait eagerly outside the confessionals.

Piety has never been higher.

- Oh, bravo, bravo. - Bravo. Bravo.

Well, my lord Bishop...

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

The king will speak.

The king.

Thank you.

- Guard! - Sire.

- Kill that man. - Sire.

What?

Who? Oh.

Anyway, the most potent...

Most poetical, most prestigious‒

Well, Your Majesty, what is your opinion?

- Your Highness. - Give us your guidance.

- Even a hint. - Well, I think...

Oh, no. What's that? What's going on here?

Just one moment.

What is going on here?

Who dares sully my castle with unseemly brawls?

Guard, bring them in.

We'll show them who's king around here.

But, Your Majesty, we have important matters to...

Important matters, Passelewe?

Surely keeping the peace in my own castle is important.

First things first.

Oh!

Ew.

They'll taste the king's justice.

Let me go!

Silence!

Silence!

Now, what's this all about?

The squire... behind my back!

Calm, my man. Remember, you're in the presence of your king.

Guards, let him go.

Let him speak.

Your Majesty.

This man... This ma... This man!

Look out, sire! Get down!

Wait. Hold it.

This is outrageous!

- Weren't there two of them to begin with? - Yes, sir.

- Well, where's the other one got to? - I don't know, sir.

Right. Hmm. Yes.

Right. Then it falls upon us to find this man guilty.

Guilty? Guilty of what, sire?

Cannibalism.

- Keep your eyes peeled. - Right.

Quick, down this way!

- Check up there. - No. Come on.

Watch the princess! Oh!

At last you've come!

- I'm terribly sorry for barging in. - Oh, don't be shy.

- I knew you'd come some day. - Oh, Princess, for Christ's sake.

I was coming up the stairs and saw your door...

Put on this robe. And you, turn around.

I don't want to b-bother any...

Oh, you must have traveled far to reach me.

Swum rivers, climbed mountains, fought battles.

You can turn around now.

There. Do I come up to your expectations?

Do you find me beautiful?

Oh, yes. Thank you.

Oh, come, my prince. Don't be shy.

But I can't. Look at me. I'm not dressed for the occasion.

Oh. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Hush.

You mustn't worry about those filthy peasant rags,

which you were no doubt forced to don in some romantic adventure.

Soon we'll have you attired once more in princely finery.

No, no, no. You see, there's been some mistake.

- See, uh, my name is Dennis. - Prince Dennis!

- No, no. Dennis Cooper. I used to be... - But, oh, your face.

- You're wounded. - Oh, no, it's nothing. Just a bruise.

Just a bruise? Oh, how brave you are, my prince.

For surely it must have been a terrible blow from a Saracen's blade.

No, an innkeeper sat on me.

You see, uh, he thought that... well, that this squire, you see...

uh, his wife...

- What, the innkeeper's wife was a squire? - Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, I've been dreaming of this day for so long.

But little did I expect one so brave and valiant and wise,

one who's crossed the seven seas for me

and galloped across deserts and dark canyons to be by my side at last.

- My love! - Come.

You must tell me of your many adventures.

We must get to know each other before we're married.

Married? Uh, no, I'm sorry, miss.

- I-I can't. I can't do that. - Can't? Can't?

Oh, my prince, did I hear you right?

- It's very kind of you to ask, but... - No.

No, don't tell me. I know.

- I know. - You know?

In your adventures, you rescued a maiden chained to a dark cliff.

- Uh, no, not exactly. - She fell in love.

- You fell in love. - No.

And there and then, before the gods themselves,

you made a pact that only death could break.

- No, no, you're on the wrong tack. - But come, my prince.

You must not linger in idle conversation.

You gained entry to the castle by stealth,

and now you must leave in the same way.

I know!

Sister Jessica, you must give your habit to the prince.

- My habit, Princess? - Yes, and hurry.

But... But what's wrong with Sister Marian's habit?

- Don't be silly. Here. - But...

Now, my prince, this is the plan.

Tomorrow is St. Talulah's Day,

and by first light, a nun of the order must depart the city

and lay fresh dogwood on the spot

where St. Talulah was martyred by the Ralph Benslow Four.

You shall be that nun.

Sister Jessica?

Sister Jessica.

Well, give it to the prince.

Thank you, Sister Jes...

sica.

Then proceed to the western wall,

but by the back streets only.

When you get to the western gate, say,

"I have the holy dogwood for St. Talulah's spot.

Let me pass that I might pray a while."

Oh, my prince. My prince.

- Is this yours? - Uh, yes. No!

Oh, please! Please let me have it.

Let me have it as a souvenir of our hopeless, flawless love.

- I'll cherish it always. - No, I can't. It was given...

And now, my prince, you must flee.

No! No, don't kiss me. I couldn't stand it.

- I wasn't going to. - No. Just go.

Just go, my prince.

And remember,

"I have the holy dogwood for St. Talulah's spot."

In Latin, my love!

- Evening, Sister. - Evening.

♪ Oh, I met a maid ♪

♪ At Stepney Fair ♪

♪ Te-dum, te-dum ♪

♪ And golden hair ♪

♪ She said to me ♪

♪ O soldier brave ♪

♪ Te-dum, te-dum ♪

♪ Te-dum, te-dum ♪

Ah! What have we got here?

A strange face?

And a pretty one.

Well, now, let's have a look.

- Let's have a kiss. - Come on, Sarge. She's a nun.

So she is.

Let's have a Christian kiss.

What's the matter, Sarge?

Put me to bed, boys! Put me to bed.

Look, it's the devil in the guise of a nun!

No, it's a nun in the guise of a devil!

- Get her! - Get him!

Get them both!

Citizens, a sacrifice must be made to appease the monster

that lurks in the darkness in wait for us all!

And what better than to sacrifice

one of the beast's own servants,

whom we caught masquerading as a holy sister of the Mother Church?

We will fire him into the eternal darkness

as a testimony to our piety and godliness!

Imagine his agony as the flames rise higher,

higher until he is but a ball of living fire!

Oh, the agony!

Imagine his horror

as the mighty ballistic device hurls him high

into the depths of the blackened sky!

I am imagining the horror of it all!

Imagine the terror of his suspense

as our poor sacrifice waits, waits,

waits for the darkling earth to rise up and crush him to its harsh bosom!

The incertitude.

Oh, the uncertainty!

I like suspense.

Imagine his final horror

as his miserable little life is snuffed out

in a glorious bone-crushing cascade of phosphorescence

as he finally, agonizingly smashes into the ground!

- That's not fair, that. - No, that's not fair at all.

- It isn't fair. - What's not fair?

How come he gets to go?

Why should he have all the pain and all the agony?

All that bone-crushing horror. I want to go!

- No, I want to go. - No, I want to burn.

I want to feel my bones bursting into a billion pieces!

I want to trace across the firmament, a glowing ball of flame,

a testament to my godliness and piety!

What does that mean?

I don't know, but I want it!

I want it!

Fire!

Nice.

Another glorious day for a tournament, eh, Passelewe?

I suppose so, Your Majesty.

You suppose so? You suppose so?

Buck up, man. Buck up.

It's tournament time!

Certainly, Your Majesty.

But I can't but think there must be a better way to choose a champion.

A better way, Passelewe?

What better than the shattering of lances,

the flailing of the mace, the cut and thrust of broadswords,

the ring of falchion on cuissart?

What better way than an honest tournament?

Hmm, Passelewe? Yes.

Ah, my dear.

How beautiful you look.

Ah! Yes.

Th...

What on earth is that?

- But, Daddy... - Ugh!

Daddy!

Look at that.

Did you see that? Right in the middle of the old demi-brassard.

Jolly good. Bravo!

Another one on the maimed list, probably dead by now.

Ah, merely a scratch, that's all. Plenty more knights where he came from.

Not really, sire.

What do you mean, Passelewe, "Not really, sire"?

Now, which part of this is giving you difficulty, Your Majesty?

Well, all of it, frankly. What do you mean by it?

Well, basically, I mean by saying, "Not really, sire,"

I mean that the true situation is, or is likely to be...

- Yes? - Ipso facto to the contrary

and the exact opposite to that which you may perceive.

I appended "sire," because, after all, you are the king.

- I mean, you are the king, aren't you? - Yes.

And that seems to be a reasonable way of addressing a monarch.

- Yes. - Daddy.

What is it, darling?

Oh, I'm sorry, Passelewe. What is it, darling?

Look at that brute of a knight. I couldn't marry anything like that.

Of course not. You won't have to.

He won't...

Win.

Passelewe, what were we discussing a moment ago?

The toll of your knights, sir. According to my record...

Ah, just a moment, Passelewe.

You used that "sire" for the same reason

that you used it in the first place, right?

- Right. - Right.

- I thought so. - Right.

Well, according to my records, approximately 65 percent of the knights of your realm

have been killed or maimed since this tournament began.

But, Passelewe, that's no figure at all.

No figure at all.

Now, if it was 83.3 percent or 97.4 percent,

now, that is a true percentage

in absolutely the truest sense of the word.

Now, my dearest Bruno, do listen.

If this carnage continues even until the end of the week, where on earth...

- Hold it, hold it! - What?

This one I must see.

There must be a better way of choosing a champion.

Psst. Ethel?

Is that you, Ethel?

Yeah. I wondered what the hell happened to you last night.

- Well, I had some incredible adventures. - Can't talk now.

- Due in the lists in 10 minutes' time. - I'm coming, Mother.

Aye!

Watch where you're getting the blood, will you? Christ Almighty!

How else can we choose a champion?

Well, I suppose we could call an election.

- Election, Passelewe? - Yes.

Oh, no, nonsense. It wouldn't be fair to the knights.

Well, they could draw lots.

- Draw lots? - Yes.

Bless my soul.

I mean to say, you might just as well do it dip-dip-dip, my little ship

or one potato, two potatoes.

Or even hide and seek.

Uh...

Forty-eight, 49, 50.

Coming!

- The cardinal said, "I asked for 13 vergers." - Vergers?

"Why have you brought me 13 virgins?"

Now, we're in the garden, and a thousand voices said as one man,

"Ave, ave, passed through this way, the old grub."

"Ave, ave" what?

Why do I need to say "Ave"?

Dennis, why don't you sit back and let something nice happen to you for a change?

Looks like they've chosen a champion.

Can you see who it is?

It's my boss. Christ.

Well, congratulations, sire. We have a champion.

Good.

- Where is he? - Oh, they haven't found him yet.

- Oh. Is that good? - Oh, yes.

That's what makes him a champion.

I see.

They will find him, won't they?

- You must be very proud. - Proud? You shit!

- Shit! - It's a great honor, isn't it?

Honor? Maybe he'll get the honor.

I'll probably end up with a dragon's tooth up my bum and a shilling a year pension.

I'll have to sit vigil with him all night as well.

Christ, what luck!

I promised my body to a woman tonight.

Look, maybe I could go and tell the lady that...

What?

Wait a minute. Maybe you could do it.

Certainly I could. I'll tell the lady you've had a great...

No, not that. Sit the vigil.

Me?

I could give you my hat, my cape.

Just keep your head down. He'll never know.

I can't do that. It's not right.

Who'll know? Come on!

Beast!

Here I am, I am!

Oh, not you!

Ah, forget it.

Squire? What squire?

You know what squire! Oh! My rheumatism.

That cell was so damp.

- Two whole nights. - Oh, you poor dear.

Come, let me undress you and put you to bed.

It must have been an awful experience.

It was.

Oh, Betty.

Your hands are so soft and warm.

You don't really think there was a squire up here in our bed, do you?

- Well... - Do you?

Come, let me take those off.

And that.

Mmm. Doesn't that feel better?

Oh, Betty.

Bernard, my darling.

Come.

Citizens, nobles...

gentry,

the king.

Heh? Oh, yes.

Good Sir Knight, you have proved your worth on the field of honor.

And now you must prove yourself in mortal combat

with a monster so terrifying,

so awe-inspiring, so horrible,

so soul-destroying...

that even I would hesitate...

to meet it face-to-face...

in, um, um, hand-to-hand combat.

Was that all right?

Well, I suppose so, my darling, yes.

And so, go forth and slay the beast.

And take with you the royal blessings...

and also the blessings

of Mother Church.

Bishop!

Hey!

Ow! Ooh! Get out of here!

Bloody swords!

- Is that all? - That's it.

Oh.

Right. Uh, herald.

Have the gates opened.

Well, carry on!

Open the gates!

Farewell.

Wait!

Ah.

He took his vorpal sword in hand,

long time the manxome foe he sought.

So rested he by the Tumtum tree

and stood a while... in thought.

And as in uffish thought he stood,

the Jabberwock with eyes aflame

came whiffling through the tulgey wood

and burbled as it came.

Lance.

Lance. Lance.

Whoa-ha!

Griselda!

Go get 'em, boys!

Monster? Monster?

- Oh. - Where monster?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

- Oh! - There he is!

Come on. Don't let him get away.

Monster? Monster?

No Mon...

Ha-ha!

I am here, Griselda. Fear not.

Gee, a knight.

I never saw a knight before.

Oh, Mr. Fishfinger.

Oh, stop dribbling, woman!

Oh, bless you. Oh, noble lad.

Oh, thank you. Oh!

Stand aside, Mrs. Fishfinger. And...

Oh, fuck! Aah!

Sorry, Mr. Fishfinger. Are you all right?

You almost cut my arm off!

Oh, you always were a clumsy one, Dennis Cooper.

Shame on you!

Get out!

Jesus!

I could get blood poisoning. Was that sword sterilized?

I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to.

Look, I-I'll bind it up for you. I'll get some bandages.

Jesus. Get off!

Dad!

- What? - Look!

Huh?

Good Sir Knight. Good Sir Knight.

We're so grateful to you for rescuing us from the clutches of those foul fiends.

- Easy. - Very good.

- Very gracious of you, Sir Knight. - Yes.

We're very undeserving really, being just humble fisher folk.

Yes, however, we do have this maiden daughter, you see.

And as there is a custom in these parts,

the knight quite often marries the maiden he's rescued.

Say hello to the knight, Griselda, honey.

Mr. Fishfinger. Mr. Fishfinger. It was me that rescued you.

Will you clear off? What do you say, Sir Knight, hmm?

Good Sir Knight.

- Well? - Come. We go.

Wait, wait! Come back here! Sir Knight, come back, please!

- Whoo-hoo! - You will think it over, won't you?

Griselda, Mr. Fishfinger. I've gotta go. I'm sorry about your hand.

- It hurts! It... - Griselda, I've missed you so much.

- I've kept your potato. - Ugh! Bye!

You really are a big disappointment to me, Dennis.

Get out. I thought you were going to make something of yourself!

Mr. Fishfinger, he is the king's champion.

Shame! Call yourself an eligible suitor for our fair Griselda?

You're nothing but a vagrant!

Hold him, Madge. Hold him!

- You leave her alone. Leave her alone! - Get on with you.

Go on!

Go on!

Go on. Get out of here.

Go on! Get off!

- Go on with you. - Go on!

- Yes! - Go home!

Someone at the door, dear.

We've got to make up our minds now!

- Gentlemen! - We can't delay another day.

We must do something.

This king's champion must be stopped.

The monster must be protected.

If he kills the monster, we'll all be ruined. Ruined!

Let me prevail upon you. No more argy-bargy is necessary.

- No? - Because I have a plan.

Behold!

The Black Knight.

Oh, wonderful!

Ew!

Ugh. Ew!

I think we must be getting closer.

Cuissart. Cuissart.

No, no, no, no. Cuissart. Cuissart.

No, no.

No, no. Come on, come on.

Oh.

Lance.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

- No. - Get him. Get him.

Whee!

Oh!

Huh?

And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?

Come to my arms, my beamish boy.

- O frabjous day! - The monster's dead!

The monster's dead!

Stop! No one's to enter the city unless they have some money!

Stop, I say! Stop.

Oh, my God!

Aaah! Ooh!

Cancel those shipments of wine, grain, straw! Cancel everything!

Dennis!

- Dennis, here she is, Griselda. - Dennis, here I am!

Here I am! Whoo! Dennis!

It's me!

Dennis!

Dennis, it was always you!

You was the one we was always pushing for.

We'll have the wedding tomorrow, even this afternoon.

We'll get the bishop.

Dennis, you're wonderful.

Griselda, at last we can have the life we always wanted.

Ah.

My boy, congratulations.

We offer you our heartfelt thanks.

You have cleared the kingdom of a great menace.

And I am very happy to fulfill my promise

and to bestow upon you...

Uh, what's his name?

It's Dennis. Uh, Dennis Cooper, Your Royalshipness.

And that's his fiancée, my daughter.

Eh, you, Dennis,

one-half of my entire kingdom.

And the hand in marriage of my daughter, the princess.

Come, my boy, to the palace.

- But... - Come.

- Oh! Oh! - Griselda.

I pronounce you man and wife.

Prince and princess.

Dennis!

Griselda!

Whose idea was it when you come up and you said...

Will you shut up?

Look out, sire!