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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,047 --> 00:00:02,882 - Oh my God, Peter. - Sweetest. 2 00:00:03,211 --> 00:00:05,679 What? Who is this? 3 00:00:05,781 --> 00:00:07,654 I'm sorry, I should've grabbed a bigger towel. 4 00:00:08,989 --> 00:00:11,157 My wife slept with somebody else today. 5 00:00:11,224 --> 00:00:13,323 - Oh boy. - Yeah, oh boy. 6 00:00:13,519 --> 00:00:15,594 Go write some jokes. 7 00:00:15,663 --> 00:00:17,897 I saw your set. I mean, top five worst I've ever 8 00:00:17,965 --> 00:00:19,932 seen. You heard what I said, right? 9 00:00:19,975 --> 00:00:21,299 - Wait, that was real? - Yes. 10 00:00:21,324 --> 00:00:22,402 Oh, dude. 11 00:00:22,542 --> 00:00:23,527 You're upset. 12 00:00:23,558 --> 00:00:26,300 Yes, I'm upset. You stole my wife. 13 00:00:26,333 --> 00:00:28,968 I'm setting you free. I'm shaking your cage. 14 00:00:29,034 --> 00:00:31,903 You don't belong here anymore. You know what you're supposed to 15 00:00:31,971 --> 00:00:33,672 - do, so do it. - Free live comedy tonight. 16 00:00:33,740 --> 00:00:35,427 Look at those. We were going to do is set 17 00:00:35,427 --> 00:00:37,670 tonight. Following the dream. We were grinding it out. 18 00:00:37,695 --> 00:00:39,352 I'm happy to be with you guys. 19 00:00:40,262 --> 00:00:41,565 What the fuck's wrong with you? 20 00:00:41,590 --> 00:00:42,745 I'm going through a divorce. 21 00:00:42,770 --> 00:00:44,902 - I'm kind of floating around. - Oh, you're homeless? 22 00:00:44,941 --> 00:00:46,451 - No. - Do you have a home? 23 00:00:46,551 --> 00:00:48,385 - No. - I can't. It's so sad. 24 00:00:48,453 --> 00:00:49,968 Don't put your face in this pillow. 25 00:00:49,993 --> 00:00:51,569 Bad shit it happens in this pillow. 26 00:00:51,594 --> 00:00:53,057 This is why we sent you to 27 00:00:53,125 --> 00:00:54,792 Christian camp so these things wouldn't happen to you. 28 00:00:54,859 --> 00:00:56,967 I did everything I was supposed to. 29 00:00:56,992 --> 00:00:59,827 I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, I didn't have sex. 30 00:00:59,906 --> 00:01:02,384 - Okay, stop touching my balls. - Okay. 31 00:01:02,409 --> 00:01:04,210 I'm sorry. This is comedy. 32 00:01:04,277 --> 00:01:07,369 - This is what I want to do. - Honey, how will you survive? 33 00:01:08,111 --> 00:01:09,515 I have no job. I have no money. 34 00:01:09,583 --> 00:01:11,947 I have nowhere to stay. I need to be with you. 35 00:01:12,069 --> 00:01:14,237 - I love you so much, Jess. - Shut up! 36 00:01:14,305 --> 00:01:16,696 I trust Jesus! 37 00:01:17,475 --> 00:01:19,512 Hallelujah! 38 00:01:19,737 --> 00:01:22,038 I'm really excited about our friendship, man. 39 00:01:22,106 --> 00:01:25,786 We're not friends. We're broke... together. 40 00:01:26,376 --> 00:01:27,559 That's how it starts. 41 00:02:20,188 --> 00:02:22,188 _ 42 00:02:33,221 --> 00:02:34,481 _ 43 00:02:55,230 --> 00:02:56,715 _ 44 00:03:22,885 --> 00:03:25,275 Peter! You have risen. 45 00:03:25,788 --> 00:03:28,288 God! Man, this is my area! 46 00:03:28,427 --> 00:03:31,093 Y... Y... Y... You just opened a wall of my bedroom. 47 00:03:31,737 --> 00:03:33,776 Even when you're wearing pants I can see your dick. 48 00:03:34,696 --> 00:03:35,795 Huh. 49 00:03:35,830 --> 00:03:37,197 What do you want? 50 00:03:37,232 --> 00:03:38,365 It's not about what I want, 51 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:39,665 it's about what I need, 52 00:03:39,701 --> 00:03:41,677 which is a conversation with you, man. 53 00:03:42,504 --> 00:03:45,671 What is the point of us having this communal existence 54 00:03:45,707 --> 00:03:48,444 if I have no one to commune with, Pete? 55 00:03:49,343 --> 00:03:52,512 Where are you all the time? You're working or something, 56 00:03:52,547 --> 00:03:54,343 out all night. 57 00:03:54,343 --> 00:03:57,622 You're sleeping, resting, or something all day. 58 00:03:58,465 --> 00:04:02,386 I'm sorry, I work... I work, yes, at night, and then I'm out late. 59 00:04:02,460 --> 00:04:05,678 It's not like I'm partying. I'm doing... I'm following my dream. 60 00:04:05,795 --> 00:04:07,295 And then I don't have time to come home 61 00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:08,896 and also be your best friend. 62 00:04:08,932 --> 00:04:11,605 We can't have an old couple's argument, man. 63 00:04:11,882 --> 00:04:13,402 You have to pull your weight. 64 00:04:14,424 --> 00:04:16,704 You fucked my wife. 65 00:04:16,861 --> 00:04:18,690 Yes, I fucked your wife, but 66 00:04:18,714 --> 00:04:20,975 that doesn't help pay the bills. 67 00:04:21,010 --> 00:04:23,647 Believe me, I wish it did, but we gotta work. 68 00:04:30,550 --> 00:04:31,716 Uh, what do you wanna mix in? 69 00:04:31,821 --> 00:04:35,111 Oh, uh, let's, uh... let's put some gummy bears in there. 70 00:04:35,784 --> 00:04:37,483 Chocolate and gummy bears, okay. 71 00:04:38,794 --> 00:04:40,691 You're... You're really good at this. 72 00:04:43,899 --> 00:04:45,368 - Thanks. - Here you go. 73 00:04:46,368 --> 00:04:48,478 Oh, please. No, thank you. 74 00:04:49,605 --> 00:04:53,056 If you tip, it's a whole thing. We have to do, like, a song... 75 00:04:53,475 --> 00:04:55,343 Well, I'll... I'll leave it there. 76 00:04:55,343 --> 00:04:57,309 Oh, guys, we got a tip! 77 00:04:57,345 --> 00:04:58,652 - Ooh! - Come on... 78 00:05:15,570 --> 00:05:18,080 Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com 79 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:21,098 Two for one with a flier, great live comedy. 80 00:05:22,494 --> 00:05:24,963 Great live comedy tonight. Two for one with a flier. 81 00:05:25,564 --> 00:05:27,245 Got a great live comedy show. 82 00:05:28,050 --> 00:05:29,505 Um, hey. 83 00:05:30,075 --> 00:05:32,401 Uh, hi, are you the manager here? 84 00:05:32,596 --> 00:05:34,908 No. Hi, great live comedy, we got a great... 85 00:05:35,332 --> 00:05:36,584 You're looking for Jason. He... 86 00:05:36,609 --> 00:05:38,305 He won't be here, for, uh, a little bit. 87 00:05:38,408 --> 00:05:39,617 Oh, okay, um... 88 00:05:39,642 --> 00:05:40,841 Great live comedy? 89 00:05:41,133 --> 00:05:42,365 Do you have a complaint or something? 90 00:05:42,401 --> 00:05:44,034 No. I'm Ali. I'm a comedian, 91 00:05:44,069 --> 00:05:46,035 and I was just gonna see if there's a chance 92 00:05:46,070 --> 00:05:48,638 I could do a short set? I'm trying to make this tape. 93 00:05:48,673 --> 00:05:50,205 My name is Pete, I'm... I'm actually a comedian. 94 00:05:50,241 --> 00:05:52,442 - Oh, hi. Oh, cool. Hi. - I'm on the show, too. 95 00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:54,269 I mean, not that you're on the show. 96 00:05:54,785 --> 00:05:55,817 You wanna be on the show. 97 00:05:55,852 --> 00:05:57,451 I would love to. That would be amazing. 98 00:05:57,487 --> 00:05:59,821 I just work the door when Jason's running late. 99 00:06:00,152 --> 00:06:03,509 I... I don't really... run the club, I just do it for stage time. 100 00:06:03,904 --> 00:06:06,492 Cool. And you don't have to, like, bark on a corner? 101 00:06:07,493 --> 00:06:09,146 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, this is... 102 00:06:09,457 --> 00:06:10,590 Home base. 103 00:06:10,625 --> 00:06:12,444 Great live comedy, guys, great live comedy. 104 00:06:12,894 --> 00:06:16,128 Uh, well, you know, it's kinda... slow, but... 105 00:06:16,164 --> 00:06:19,744 Yeah, that's why... If it's slow, you could just... 106 00:06:20,467 --> 00:06:23,151 squeeze me in? That would be so awesome, so... 107 00:06:24,272 --> 00:06:26,452 Uhh... Let... Let's see, I... 108 00:06:26,477 --> 00:06:28,708 - I'll see what I can do. - Okay. 109 00:06:29,043 --> 00:06:31,282 Okay, ladies and gentlemen, bringing 110 00:06:31,307 --> 00:06:33,645 up the, uh, next comic for you guys, 111 00:06:33,681 --> 00:06:37,182 a very funny lady. I hope you guys enjoy her. 112 00:06:37,217 --> 00:06:39,553 Guys, put your hands together 113 00:06:39,578 --> 00:06:41,486 for Ali Reissen, yeah! 114 00:06:44,525 --> 00:06:45,987 Thank you so much. 115 00:06:46,943 --> 00:06:50,138 Um, I have some really exciting news. 116 00:06:50,138 --> 00:06:53,706 My boyfriend and I, we just took our relationship to the next level. 117 00:06:53,741 --> 00:06:55,436 We broke up. Yep. 118 00:06:55,877 --> 00:06:58,410 Hey, what are you doing? 119 00:06:58,445 --> 00:06:59,693 She's makin' a tape... 120 00:06:59,693 --> 00:07:01,059 for TV, I think. 121 00:07:01,094 --> 00:07:04,452 Man, we barked for five hours and you just throw her onstage? 122 00:07:04,731 --> 00:07:05,797 She's not even passed here. 123 00:07:05,832 --> 00:07:09,567 This guy, he worked out so much and he bulked up so much 124 00:07:09,602 --> 00:07:11,735 to the point where he just, like, lost his neck, 125 00:07:11,770 --> 00:07:14,480 and he, like, grunted to communicate with me? 126 00:07:14,524 --> 00:07:16,182 Just be like, "Uhhh!" I had to deal with 127 00:07:16,207 --> 00:07:17,758 him like I was dealing with Lassie, 128 00:07:17,793 --> 00:07:21,065 I'd be like, "What is it, boy?" You know, he'd be like, "Uhhhh! 129 00:07:21,497 --> 00:07:24,691 Uhhhh!" I'm like, "Oh, no, it was a hard leg day at the gym?" 130 00:07:25,700 --> 00:07:28,602 I was actually writing a very similar joke to that. 131 00:07:29,203 --> 00:07:31,766 "Uhhh!" "Oh, no, your trainer fell in a well." 132 00:07:40,242 --> 00:07:41,318 Hey. 133 00:07:41,349 --> 00:07:42,348 Hey! 134 00:07:42,373 --> 00:07:44,473 That was great. Did you get your tape? 135 00:07:44,498 --> 00:07:47,098 Uh, no. No, no, no. I hate this place. 136 00:07:47,405 --> 00:07:50,124 Sorry. I just... ugh... It's like a haunted ski lodge. 137 00:07:50,674 --> 00:07:52,207 Yeah, there's a vibe. 138 00:07:52,242 --> 00:07:55,043 I feel like, in that room, it's like you're doing comedy 139 00:07:55,078 --> 00:07:56,678 for the people you're making fun of. 140 00:07:56,714 --> 00:07:57,880 Yes. 141 00:07:57,915 --> 00:07:59,047 - Yeah. - You're up there, I'm like, 142 00:07:59,082 --> 00:08:00,548 "I'm talking about you!" 143 00:08:00,583 --> 00:08:01,718 Yeah! Exactly! 144 00:08:01,718 --> 00:08:02,884 "My examples are you!" 145 00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:03,953 "Are you!" 146 00:08:03,988 --> 00:08:04,978 - Yeah. - Yes. 147 00:08:05,003 --> 00:08:06,574 - "You don't see the irony..." - Yeah. 148 00:08:06,621 --> 00:08:08,257 "...of me performing for you?" 149 00:08:08,292 --> 00:08:10,459 That makes me feel a lot less alone. 150 00:08:10,741 --> 00:08:12,427 - Yes. Oh, I'm glad. - You should come back. 151 00:08:12,463 --> 00:08:13,663 - Uhhh... - Any time you like. 152 00:08:13,698 --> 00:08:15,564 I'm here every night of the week. 153 00:08:15,599 --> 00:08:18,367 You ever see me out front, we can throw you up. 154 00:08:18,402 --> 00:08:20,235 I think they'd be lucky to have you. 155 00:08:20,271 --> 00:08:21,637 - Thanks. - Yeah. 156 00:08:21,672 --> 00:08:23,139 Petey. How do we look, Pete? 157 00:08:23,639 --> 00:08:25,772 Oh, what's up, man? Uh, this... this is, uh, Ali. 158 00:08:25,807 --> 00:08:28,207 - Ali just went up, she's... - Hi, Ali, Pete. How do we look? 159 00:08:28,498 --> 00:08:30,765 Uh, you know, it's like about half, maybe? 160 00:08:30,801 --> 00:08:32,251 What did we talk about earlier? 161 00:08:32,937 --> 00:08:35,170 Well, you said I could work the door until you got here, so... 162 00:08:35,206 --> 00:08:37,072 - Till I got here! - Yeah. Till you... so... 163 00:08:37,108 --> 00:08:38,628 What am I, a fuckin' apparition? 164 00:08:39,409 --> 00:08:41,877 Fliers, hand, corner. 165 00:08:41,912 --> 00:08:43,245 MacDougal Street, West Third. 166 00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:44,679 - It was nice... - Come on! Sweet cheeks! 167 00:08:44,715 --> 00:08:46,348 - Okay. All right. - Nice meeting you! 168 00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:51,419 - Hey. - Uh, so nice to meet you. 169 00:08:51,455 --> 00:08:53,461 Hey, wait a second. Hey, hey. 170 00:08:54,129 --> 00:08:55,084 Yeah? 171 00:08:57,860 --> 00:08:59,776 Where... You know... I mean... 172 00:09:02,197 --> 00:09:04,289 I think women are... funny. 173 00:09:05,867 --> 00:09:08,164 Okay. Uh... cool. 174 00:09:08,164 --> 00:09:11,036 Just make sure to tell your friends. Spread the word. 175 00:09:14,109 --> 00:09:16,403 Fuckin'... I... I... I... 176 00:09:16,877 --> 00:09:18,222 What am I doin' wrong? 177 00:09:18,532 --> 00:09:21,165 People make fun of me 'cause I'm gullible. Anybody here gullible? 178 00:09:21,201 --> 00:09:22,801 Not a trap. Not a trap. 179 00:09:22,836 --> 00:09:25,036 Yeah. Yeah. Good people. 180 00:09:25,071 --> 00:09:28,840 Honest people. I don't understand why we're the butt of the joke, 181 00:09:28,876 --> 00:09:31,869 gullible people. People tease me, "Oh, you're so gullible." 182 00:09:31,869 --> 00:09:33,102 Pete's gullible." 183 00:09:33,136 --> 00:09:36,371 Doesn't that just mean I'm an open-hearted, kind person? 184 00:09:37,685 --> 00:09:40,354 You lie to me, I believe you, 185 00:09:41,571 --> 00:09:43,639 I'm the asshole? 186 00:09:47,567 --> 00:09:49,324 Thanks, guy, thanks very much. Have a good night. 187 00:09:49,349 --> 00:09:51,349 I'm Pete Holmes. 188 00:10:03,516 --> 00:10:05,172 Saw a group of cops on horses. 189 00:10:05,172 --> 00:10:08,131 How fuckin' ridiculous. Why do they have jobs? 190 00:10:10,102 --> 00:10:12,059 Can they do real cop stuff? 191 00:10:13,093 --> 00:10:16,031 'Cause every time I see 'em, they're like... 192 00:10:20,018 --> 00:10:21,766 Sure, I'll take a picture. 193 00:10:26,873 --> 00:10:28,271 Can they foil crimes? 194 00:10:29,275 --> 00:10:31,776 Like, if I stole your wallet and ran, would they be like, 195 00:10:31,811 --> 00:10:33,244 "Yah!" 196 00:10:34,948 --> 00:10:36,214 Jumpin' over stuff. 197 00:10:37,884 --> 00:10:41,354 And they can't arrest you because there's no room. 198 00:10:44,090 --> 00:10:47,521 Yeah, they're not gonna be like, "You're under arrest. Uh, get on." 199 00:10:50,096 --> 00:10:51,334 Hey, man. 200 00:10:51,457 --> 00:10:52,556 You can't stand here. 201 00:10:53,018 --> 00:10:56,074 Uh... Ahh... I'm... I'm Pete. I'm a comedian. 202 00:10:56,755 --> 00:10:58,237 Wait. You're Pete Holmes? 203 00:10:58,924 --> 00:11:00,637 - Yeah. - I've seen you before, man. 204 00:11:00,662 --> 00:11:01,591 Really? 205 00:11:01,616 --> 00:11:03,873 You did that set about your wife fuckin' another guy, right? 206 00:11:05,700 --> 00:11:07,533 Yeah. Yeah, that... that was me. 207 00:11:07,787 --> 00:11:09,637 I would keep that shit to myself, man. 208 00:11:09,937 --> 00:11:11,278 Yeah, I know now... 209 00:11:11,278 --> 00:11:13,645 I'm not proud of that set, either. I regret it. 210 00:11:14,097 --> 00:11:16,362 Sorry, man. We all have our problems. 211 00:11:16,766 --> 00:11:18,509 I can't make my wife have a orgasm. 212 00:11:20,303 --> 00:11:22,132 I h... I hope you figure that out. 213 00:11:23,173 --> 00:11:24,501 Thanks, man. Appreciate that. 214 00:11:26,076 --> 00:11:27,479 You still can't stand there. 215 00:11:28,144 --> 00:11:29,577 Okay. Sorry. 216 00:11:29,612 --> 00:11:31,846 New Yorkers'd be like, "Yeah, he's from out of town." 217 00:11:31,881 --> 00:11:33,639 And... And we're at the Friars, and 218 00:11:33,664 --> 00:11:35,749 Jerry Lewis is sitting at a table there, 219 00:11:35,785 --> 00:11:37,718 and I go to his manager, 220 00:11:37,753 --> 00:11:38,819 and I take out my phone, 221 00:11:38,855 --> 00:11:40,955 and I say, "Would he mind?" 222 00:11:40,990 --> 00:11:43,927 And he goes, "Jerry hates those. 223 00:11:44,326 --> 00:11:46,627 He hates... Don't try to do it." 224 00:11:46,654 --> 00:11:49,048 And so I say hello to Lewis, 225 00:11:49,081 --> 00:11:51,731 and I say, "I guess you wouldn't like me" 226 00:11:51,766 --> 00:11:54,227 to take a picture of you," and he goes, 227 00:11:54,703 --> 00:11:56,518 "I would punch you 228 00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:58,938 in your fucking face." 229 00:12:00,109 --> 00:12:02,075 Maybe he thought you were talking about a hand job? 230 00:12:03,178 --> 00:12:05,445 I hate to say it, but I've heard the same story, 231 00:12:05,481 --> 00:12:06,846 but it was Shari Lewis. 232 00:12:07,949 --> 00:12:09,183 And it wasn't at the Friars Club, 233 00:12:09,208 --> 00:12:10,884 it was at a bus station somewhere in Cleveland. 234 00:12:10,919 --> 00:12:11,918 It was Daniel Day Lewis. 235 00:12:11,953 --> 00:12:13,352 Oh, well, there you go. 236 00:12:13,388 --> 00:12:14,453 Yeah! 237 00:12:14,489 --> 00:12:16,605 Like Lewis and Clark, was like, um... 238 00:12:17,546 --> 00:12:18,467 Ha... 239 00:12:18,492 --> 00:12:22,428 Uh... Oh, excuse me, I think they introduced me. 240 00:12:22,463 --> 00:12:23,496 Lewis Carroll. 241 00:12:23,531 --> 00:12:24,930 - See you later, Gilbert. - See you, man. 242 00:12:24,965 --> 00:12:26,332 You the man, Gil. 243 00:12:26,367 --> 00:12:27,699 - Gilbert Gottfried? - Yeah. 244 00:12:27,735 --> 00:12:29,435 Is he goin' up? Why don't you tell him 245 00:12:29,470 --> 00:12:31,103 your favorite movie is "Problem Child." 246 00:12:31,139 --> 00:12:32,505 People say I look like John Ritter. 247 00:12:32,540 --> 00:12:34,673 - Oh, wow. - Yeah, if he had a daughter. 248 00:12:37,417 --> 00:12:38,344 I guess. 249 00:12:38,379 --> 00:12:40,612 Hey, are we goin' to the Hole for your birthday or what, Dan? 250 00:12:40,648 --> 00:12:43,582 Yeah, that's the plan. Yeah, it's Dan's special day. 251 00:12:43,617 --> 00:12:44,883 He woke up in a trunk 252 00:12:44,919 --> 00:12:46,818 covered with stickers from different cities. 253 00:12:48,088 --> 00:12:50,123 You're tryin' to say I look like a ventriloquist's dummy? 254 00:12:50,591 --> 00:12:51,823 Yes, I am. 255 00:12:51,859 --> 00:12:53,995 Well, keep with the insults, and I'll never bang you. 256 00:12:54,015 --> 00:12:55,181 What's the Hole? 257 00:12:55,216 --> 00:12:56,467 Burlesque joint. 258 00:12:56,577 --> 00:12:59,544 It's guys on stage, one little guy with a big dick, 259 00:12:59,569 --> 00:13:01,611 one giant guy with a really 260 00:13:01,636 --> 00:13:03,804 small, Tic Tac dick, right? 261 00:13:03,839 --> 00:13:04,815 Scary. 262 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:07,741 All you gotta bring is an umbrella and a towel, 263 00:13:07,776 --> 00:13:08,976 and you're good. 264 00:13:09,011 --> 00:13:10,211 What do you mean bring an umbrella 265 00:13:10,246 --> 00:13:11,606 and a... he ain't goin'. 266 00:13:11,644 --> 00:13:13,610 - What? - With my birthday, my rules. 267 00:13:13,716 --> 00:13:15,003 All right, princess. I got nothin' 268 00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:16,517 against him, but I don't know the guy, 269 00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:18,538 I wanna be surrounded by people I like and Dave. 270 00:13:18,563 --> 00:13:20,202 Come on, Dan, let him go and stop your yappin'. 271 00:13:20,213 --> 00:13:21,279 I'm allowed to pick! 272 00:13:21,304 --> 00:13:23,037 You know what? You're not comin', it's settled. 273 00:13:23,072 --> 00:13:25,072 Y... You're a man of God. You cannot come to this. 274 00:13:25,107 --> 00:13:27,241 I... First of all, I couldn't get an erection next to this guy, 275 00:13:27,276 --> 00:13:28,542 it'd be... it'd be too weird. 276 00:13:28,577 --> 00:13:30,444 See? Me and Artie are on the same page. 277 00:13:30,479 --> 00:13:31,578 People gotta put their foot down. 278 00:13:31,613 --> 00:13:33,609 I... I'll stay here and pray for you. 279 00:13:33,789 --> 00:13:35,349 Yeah, I was wondering what you were doin'... 280 00:13:35,384 --> 00:13:37,227 - Take care, bye. - Okay, to the Hole! 281 00:13:38,802 --> 00:13:39,848 Sorry. 282 00:13:48,530 --> 00:13:49,930 Is this, uh, empty? 283 00:13:49,965 --> 00:13:52,466 Yeah, no... please. 284 00:13:53,502 --> 00:13:54,601 These people are done with these, right? 285 00:13:54,636 --> 00:13:57,337 Yeah, yeah, yeah... unless you want some whiskey. 286 00:13:57,544 --> 00:13:59,745 Oh, no, I don't drink. Never have. 287 00:13:59,780 --> 00:14:02,116 - I... I'm not... - You're not... You don't drink? 288 00:14:02,195 --> 00:14:03,295 No, not really. 289 00:14:03,324 --> 00:14:05,416 Teetotaler or just... Not... don't drink often? 290 00:14:05,577 --> 00:14:09,454 I... I... I was raised not to really... partake too much. 291 00:14:09,489 --> 00:14:10,455 Me too. 292 00:14:10,490 --> 00:14:11,589 Really? My parents never did. 293 00:14:11,625 --> 00:14:12,690 Protestant? 294 00:14:12,725 --> 00:14:14,464 Yeah. I mean, when I was a child, yes. 295 00:14:15,094 --> 00:14:17,529 M... My name is Penn. Penn Jillette. 296 00:14:17,564 --> 00:14:19,429 I know you're... You're a wonderful magician. 297 00:14:19,465 --> 00:14:20,665 - Oh, thank you. - I love magic. 298 00:14:20,700 --> 00:14:21,932 - Oh, thanks. - I really do. 299 00:14:21,968 --> 00:14:23,734 W... And I was hoping you'd say your name. 300 00:14:23,770 --> 00:14:24,825 Sorry, it's Pete. 301 00:14:24,835 --> 00:14:26,000 - Pete, hello, Pete. Nice to meet you. - Peter. 302 00:14:26,025 --> 00:14:29,828 But you're a... you're a big atheist now, right? I mean... 303 00:14:30,437 --> 00:14:31,864 Yeah. I have been for a long time. 304 00:14:31,898 --> 00:14:33,715 I... I guess my whole adult life. 305 00:14:34,300 --> 00:14:35,399 I stuck with it, I guess. 306 00:14:35,435 --> 00:14:36,567 Oh, did you? 307 00:14:36,602 --> 00:14:37,801 Jesus is still my co-pilot. 308 00:14:38,771 --> 00:14:40,571 He's great. He doesn't drink either. 309 00:14:40,606 --> 00:14:41,872 Oh, really? Very... Very smooth flight. 310 00:14:41,907 --> 00:14:44,208 I thought there was the wine thing. Isn't there the wine? 311 00:14:44,243 --> 00:14:46,610 Ahh... You know... It was one miracle... 312 00:14:47,513 --> 00:14:49,113 The rest of the time he was pretty dry. 313 00:14:49,148 --> 00:14:50,581 You really do believe? 314 00:14:50,616 --> 00:14:51,882 - Yeah. - Christian god? 315 00:14:51,917 --> 00:14:53,183 Chris... Yeah. All three. 316 00:14:53,218 --> 00:14:54,718 I mean, I don't wanna be dismissive, 317 00:14:54,753 --> 00:14:56,987 but you actually believe that there's a being 318 00:14:57,022 --> 00:15:00,147 that cares about, forgive me, but your masturbation? 319 00:15:00,210 --> 00:15:01,492 Cares about everything you do? 320 00:15:01,527 --> 00:15:02,626 Yeah, you... you know, we make... 321 00:15:02,661 --> 00:15:04,194 And you don't have any gnawing doubts about that? 322 00:15:04,229 --> 00:15:07,364 You don't think that maybe you're... you're letting things slide by you 323 00:15:07,399 --> 00:15:09,199 - that could be more beautiful? - Like what? 324 00:15:09,234 --> 00:15:10,357 Like life? 325 00:15:11,612 --> 00:15:13,636 So you don't... You don't believe in something 326 00:15:13,671 --> 00:15:16,139 watching us, something keeping all of this going? 327 00:15:16,174 --> 00:15:19,742 I'm not sure there's no God, but I don't know. 328 00:15:20,194 --> 00:15:23,145 The most important revolution in human history, 329 00:15:23,170 --> 00:15:24,755 more important than agriculture, 330 00:15:24,823 --> 00:15:28,367 more important than writing, is the scientific revolution. 331 00:15:28,646 --> 00:15:30,333 Came down to three words: 332 00:15:30,746 --> 00:15:32,835 I don't know. 333 00:15:33,434 --> 00:15:35,827 And no institution, no church, 334 00:15:35,852 --> 00:15:38,431 no king, no power structure 335 00:15:38,456 --> 00:15:40,424 had ever said in history, 336 00:15:40,449 --> 00:15:42,643 "I don't know." 337 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:45,360 I just... What if you're wrong? I mean... I... I... could never... 338 00:15:45,396 --> 00:15:46,562 What if you're wrong? 339 00:15:46,597 --> 00:15:49,965 What if I'm wrong? I... I... I mean, either way, I'm good. 340 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:51,332 - You're right... - No, no, that's not true. 341 00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:53,868 I mean, that's... that's the problem with Pascal's Wager, 342 00:15:53,904 --> 00:15:55,536 is there's more than one choice. 343 00:15:55,572 --> 00:15:59,212 You could spend your whole life prayin' your ass off to Jesus, 344 00:15:59,237 --> 00:16:02,068 and then find out that it's actually Zeus, 345 00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:03,819 and he doesn't like you praying to Jesus. 346 00:16:03,854 --> 00:16:05,857 I... I... I... I'm enjoying the 347 00:16:05,882 --> 00:16:07,990 certainty I get from my faith. 348 00:16:08,025 --> 00:16:09,262 You don't have certainty. 349 00:16:09,317 --> 00:16:10,560 - I do. - No, you don't. 350 00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:11,527 I do. 351 00:16:11,563 --> 00:16:13,927 You can't get certainty just by willpower. 352 00:16:14,232 --> 00:16:16,132 You can't force yourself to believe things 353 00:16:16,167 --> 00:16:18,413 that you don't have evidence for. You just can't do it. 354 00:16:18,696 --> 00:16:20,324 You can't force certainty. 355 00:16:21,205 --> 00:16:23,706 Yeah, but this... this is all I have. I mean, I... I can't... 356 00:16:24,030 --> 00:16:25,973 This is how I was raised, I can't just... 357 00:16:26,311 --> 00:16:28,543 put it aside because you make some sense. 358 00:16:28,579 --> 00:16:31,778 I mean, it's hard for me to admit that you're making some sense. 359 00:16:32,316 --> 00:16:35,651 Yeah, I... I... I dig that. It's hard to change. It's really hard. 360 00:16:35,686 --> 00:16:38,034 It's hard for someone my age to admit that the... 361 00:16:38,366 --> 00:16:39,987 the Beatles weren't that good. 362 00:16:53,215 --> 00:16:54,778 - Doug Benson. - Hey! 363 00:16:55,672 --> 00:16:57,022 Do you know Penn Gillette? 364 00:16:57,397 --> 00:16:59,296 Yeah, he's in there, right? The magician? 365 00:16:59,442 --> 00:17:02,276 I once saw him make a whole plate of nachos disappear. 366 00:17:06,454 --> 00:17:09,993 I just thought everything was one thing, 367 00:17:10,986 --> 00:17:12,817 but it turns out it might be nothing. 368 00:17:12,817 --> 00:17:14,400 Everything is nothing? 369 00:17:15,031 --> 00:17:17,179 - Yeah, everything... - That's not cool. 370 00:17:17,933 --> 00:17:19,700 How can everything be nothing? 371 00:17:20,236 --> 00:17:21,502 Because we don't... ahh... 372 00:17:21,537 --> 00:17:22,867 It's everything. 373 00:17:23,339 --> 00:17:24,575 But do you know? 374 00:17:24,807 --> 00:17:26,139 About everything? 375 00:17:26,174 --> 00:17:29,376 What if it was Zeus? What if it was this one and now he's mad, 376 00:17:29,411 --> 00:17:31,629 and now you die, and chances are... 377 00:17:32,147 --> 00:17:33,279 Who's Zeus? 378 00:17:33,315 --> 00:17:34,772 That's my point. Who's God? 379 00:17:35,117 --> 00:17:36,591 Who is god? Do you know? 380 00:17:36,895 --> 00:17:37,977 Zeus? 381 00:17:38,011 --> 00:17:39,654 What if you've been praying 382 00:17:39,998 --> 00:17:42,657 to Jesus and it was Zeus? 383 00:17:44,129 --> 00:17:45,532 Je-Zeus. 384 00:18:04,182 --> 00:18:07,884 Mom, can we go inside? It's so cool! 385 00:18:25,069 --> 00:18:28,901 Hi. Uh, I'm... I'm here for Dan's birthday? 386 00:18:32,043 --> 00:18:33,582 The... Uh... The comedians? 387 00:18:33,607 --> 00:18:36,343 Buncha guys, don't look like they belong here? 388 00:18:41,155 --> 00:18:42,770 Thank you. Thanks. 389 00:18:59,282 --> 00:19:00,319 Yikes! 390 00:19:00,885 --> 00:19:01,922 Hey! 391 00:19:01,947 --> 00:19:03,080 Hey! 392 00:19:03,105 --> 00:19:04,186 He found us, man! 393 00:19:04,222 --> 00:19:06,255 This is crazy, this is like the second "Matrix"! 394 00:19:06,290 --> 00:19:07,589 Oh, all right, exactly. 395 00:19:07,625 --> 00:19:08,590 In Zion? 396 00:19:08,626 --> 00:19:10,492 You should scream your act, you're funnier. 397 00:19:10,527 --> 00:19:11,727 Uh-oh. 398 00:19:11,762 --> 00:19:13,528 Oh, whoa! I ordered... I ordered a water. 399 00:19:13,564 --> 00:19:15,063 Oh, these are from the gentleman at the bar, 400 00:19:15,098 --> 00:19:16,798 I think he's a fan of you guys. 401 00:19:16,833 --> 00:19:18,700 Oh, really? Pete, can you help us out? 402 00:19:18,736 --> 00:19:21,136 Yeah! I... I could use a drink, yeah! 403 00:19:21,171 --> 00:19:22,436 - On the house. - Cheers! 404 00:19:22,472 --> 00:19:24,105 Whoa... Okay, all right... 405 00:19:24,141 --> 00:19:26,169 Oh, dude, that's a sipper. 406 00:19:26,777 --> 00:19:28,309 Oh, all gone! 407 00:19:28,344 --> 00:19:29,377 Wooo! Lemme in! 408 00:19:29,412 --> 00:19:31,379 Oh, my God, he's sitting down now? 409 00:19:31,414 --> 00:19:32,546 Oh, boy. 410 00:19:32,582 --> 00:19:33,648 Ahh... Who's is this? 411 00:19:33,683 --> 00:19:35,283 Oh, no! That was, uh, yours! 412 00:19:35,318 --> 00:19:37,618 You take every major religion... 413 00:19:37,654 --> 00:19:38,633 Ah, here we go... 414 00:19:38,726 --> 00:19:39,853 and you mix 'em together, 415 00:19:39,889 --> 00:19:42,222 - Right... - they all say the same thing. 416 00:19:42,258 --> 00:19:44,158 I'm being lectured by a pile of cookie dough over here. 417 00:19:44,193 --> 00:19:47,127 What do you think happens when you die? You're gonna die. 418 00:19:47,163 --> 00:19:49,363 I don't know man. I just try not to think about it. 419 00:19:49,399 --> 00:19:52,266 "What... What is everything?" is... is a better question. 420 00:19:52,302 --> 00:19:54,853 I mean, there's... you know, bigger things? 421 00:19:54,878 --> 00:19:56,058 Please stop with this shit. 422 00:19:56,112 --> 00:19:59,775 Let's just watch this woman scratch her nose with her clit, 423 00:19:59,839 --> 00:20:02,742 because... that's wondrous. 424 00:20:07,582 --> 00:20:09,349 Uh... Are you married? 425 00:20:09,384 --> 00:20:10,583 No, no, no! 426 00:20:10,619 --> 00:20:12,752 I... I... I'm clinging to the past. 427 00:20:12,788 --> 00:20:13,687 Ohhh! 428 00:20:13,722 --> 00:20:15,488 No, you're right! It's fuckin' weird! 429 00:20:15,524 --> 00:20:16,589 Fuck that thing! 430 00:20:16,625 --> 00:20:17,590 Yeah! 431 00:20:47,764 --> 00:20:50,462 This is the part of the night, you know, I mean, Artie... 432 00:20:50,517 --> 00:20:52,218 - Yeah? - This is where it happens. 433 00:20:52,253 --> 00:20:53,418 We start lookin' for chicks. 434 00:20:53,454 --> 00:20:55,721 Yeah. 435 00:20:55,756 --> 00:20:57,179 I have to get up very early tomorrow 436 00:20:57,205 --> 00:20:58,959 to sell umbrellas in front of Penn Station, 437 00:20:58,993 --> 00:21:00,592 but... uh... 438 00:21:00,627 --> 00:21:01,793 Actually, if you guys are free later, 439 00:21:01,829 --> 00:21:04,229 I teach a 4:00 a.m. spin class at the Crunch on Lafayette. 440 00:21:04,264 --> 00:21:07,198 That's cool. Give it up for my buddy, Artie Lange, everybody. 441 00:21:07,234 --> 00:21:10,181 Yeah. Did you have a good time? Yeah. 442 00:21:11,372 --> 00:21:13,137 Artie, I know you can't stay. You have an episode 443 00:21:13,173 --> 00:21:14,305 of "Storage Wars" to shoot, 444 00:21:14,341 --> 00:21:16,140 but, uh... 445 00:21:17,404 --> 00:21:18,476 I love the look, though. 446 00:21:18,511 --> 00:21:19,878 - Yeah, well... - You look like a scalper 447 00:21:19,913 --> 00:21:21,746 for every band I didn't see in the '80s. 448 00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:24,883 Dude, if you're not on the line-up, 449 00:21:24,918 --> 00:21:27,085 - you can't be down here. - Come on. 450 00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:29,053 I'm not in anybody's way, I'm just... 451 00:21:29,089 --> 00:21:31,189 Listen, I don't make the rules, man, I just enforce 'em. 452 00:21:31,224 --> 00:21:33,324 Wait, hold on a second. Hey, is that Pete? 453 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:34,759 - Hey-hey! - Yeah, it's Pete! 454 00:21:34,794 --> 00:21:36,260 There he is! Pete, come up here, man. 455 00:21:36,301 --> 00:21:37,526 Get up here, buddy, yeah. 456 00:21:37,565 --> 00:21:38,497 - I'm sorry. - Pete Holmes! 457 00:21:38,522 --> 00:21:40,722 Give it up for Pete. 458 00:21:41,222 --> 00:21:42,355 Fresh from the Hole! 459 00:21:42,391 --> 00:21:44,291 - Wow. - Whaaaaaaa... 460 00:21:44,326 --> 00:21:45,492 Oh-ho, great! 461 00:21:45,527 --> 00:21:47,365 Nice! 462 00:21:47,962 --> 00:21:50,740 - Oh, easy. - Fine, fine! 463 00:21:50,765 --> 00:21:53,132 So Pete, how's the comedy scene treatin' you here in New York? 464 00:21:53,167 --> 00:21:55,500 Well, you know, I hand out fliers for stage time, 465 00:21:55,535 --> 00:21:57,936 I don't know if you guys saw any of those out there, 466 00:21:57,972 --> 00:21:59,972 - that's one of me, I do that. - There you go. 467 00:22:00,007 --> 00:22:01,106 You're handing out fliers. 468 00:22:01,142 --> 00:22:02,074 I hand out fliers. 469 00:22:02,109 --> 00:22:03,876 Have you heard of the Internet? Anything, uh... 470 00:22:05,179 --> 00:22:09,147 Are you gonna send out a telegraph about your first hour, or no? 471 00:22:10,350 --> 00:22:12,917 I like... I like this drunk Pete. I like him. 472 00:22:12,952 --> 00:22:14,552 - It's a lot... you're fun. - Yeah. 473 00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:16,962 Artie, if you're not wearing your Fitbit, 474 00:22:16,987 --> 00:22:19,122 how do you know if you get your step today? 475 00:22:19,159 --> 00:22:21,001 Ho! Whoa! 476 00:22:21,037 --> 00:22:22,734 That'll hurt in the morning. 477 00:22:23,396 --> 00:22:25,632 How do I get my step? This is great. 478 00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:28,666 I don't like being mean! 479 00:22:28,701 --> 00:22:29,600 No, be mean! 480 00:22:29,635 --> 00:22:31,102 - That's all right. - I like being mean. 481 00:22:31,137 --> 00:22:32,270 Be mean. 482 00:22:32,305 --> 00:22:33,805 By any memes necessary. 483 00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:37,474 How did you get here? Did you slip a 50 to the TSA? 484 00:22:39,312 --> 00:22:41,545 Pete, easy. Easy, buddy. 485 00:22:41,580 --> 00:22:43,419 Hold on a second. Let me see your mike. 486 00:22:45,250 --> 00:22:47,747 Okay, I just had to turn it to "Funny." Go ahead. 487 00:22:54,993 --> 00:22:56,059 That was great. 488 00:22:56,094 --> 00:22:57,413 Hey, thank you. 489 00:23:06,205 --> 00:23:07,170 Ali. 490 00:23:07,206 --> 00:23:10,637 Ah... door guy. 491 00:23:12,010 --> 00:23:13,787 Do you bark here, too, or... 492 00:23:14,178 --> 00:23:16,011 Uh, no, I was just onstage. 493 00:23:16,324 --> 00:23:18,557 Saw you up there. I didn't get to go on, 494 00:23:18,593 --> 00:23:21,094 'cause you guys were dicking around for like 20 minutes. 495 00:23:21,129 --> 00:23:22,433 - Oh. - So... 496 00:23:22,459 --> 00:23:23,530 Sorry. 497 00:23:23,555 --> 00:23:24,812 It's all right. 498 00:23:26,630 --> 00:23:28,017 You're really funny. 499 00:23:28,264 --> 00:23:29,197 Thank you. 500 00:23:29,232 --> 00:23:31,398 Really... like, I'm not just saying that. 501 00:23:31,434 --> 00:23:33,134 - Mm. - Like, when I saw your set, I was like, 502 00:23:33,169 --> 00:23:34,534 "What... what happened? 503 00:23:35,171 --> 00:23:36,603 What happened to you?" 504 00:23:36,639 --> 00:23:39,809 Hmm? It doesn't make any sense, 'cause you're really beautiful 505 00:23:40,383 --> 00:23:42,883 and you're really funny. And that doesn't... those... 506 00:23:42,917 --> 00:23:46,557 You're, like, not comedy hot, you're regular... you're lady hot. 507 00:23:46,653 --> 00:23:49,186 You're like a Barney's department store hot. 508 00:23:49,457 --> 00:23:50,445 Thank you. 509 00:23:50,445 --> 00:23:51,878 And then you're funny? 510 00:23:52,136 --> 00:23:55,705 Fuck you, man. What? 511 00:23:55,850 --> 00:23:57,557 You're so shitfaced. 512 00:23:58,119 --> 00:23:59,285 A little bit. 513 00:23:59,321 --> 00:24:00,386 Yeah. 514 00:24:00,422 --> 00:24:01,850 - A little bit. - You're really gone. 515 00:24:02,556 --> 00:24:03,585 Yeah. 516 00:24:04,058 --> 00:24:06,313 I think y... I think you should take me home. 517 00:24:09,078 --> 00:24:10,072 What? 518 00:24:10,097 --> 00:24:11,931 I think you should take me home with you. 519 00:24:11,966 --> 00:24:13,299 Why would I do that? 520 00:24:13,334 --> 00:24:14,435 Because! 521 00:24:14,702 --> 00:24:16,468 I mean... You really want a reason? 522 00:24:16,503 --> 00:24:18,903 I mean, this is... This is fate, I saw you, 523 00:24:18,939 --> 00:24:20,472 and I'm seeing you again. 524 00:24:20,507 --> 00:24:22,054 - Mm-hmm. - I mean, 525 00:24:22,343 --> 00:24:24,697 what are the chances that we're all alive? 526 00:24:25,278 --> 00:24:27,130 With sunsets and babies, 527 00:24:27,238 --> 00:24:28,987 and-and, there's gotta be more 528 00:24:29,108 --> 00:24:33,001 than just Chinese food and Cold Stone Creamery 529 00:24:33,119 --> 00:24:35,653 and sleeping in a garage, you know what I'm saying? 530 00:24:35,688 --> 00:24:36,978 It's not... 531 00:24:37,290 --> 00:24:40,551 Is there something later? Perhaps, maybe not. 532 00:24:41,090 --> 00:24:44,739 But there is something that we can do today, 533 00:24:44,764 --> 00:24:46,287 and we can be kind, 534 00:24:46,653 --> 00:24:48,241 and we can be lovely, 535 00:24:48,415 --> 00:24:51,177 and we can be sexual 536 00:24:51,338 --> 00:24:53,387 and sensual. 537 00:24:54,106 --> 00:24:56,501 Sorry, are you just doing a Russell Brand bit? 538 00:24:57,009 --> 00:24:59,739 Russell Brand has valid points. 539 00:25:04,216 --> 00:25:07,125 Okay. You can buy me a drink. 540 00:25:09,088 --> 00:25:11,031 I'll buy you a drink. 541 00:25:13,731 --> 00:25:15,058 Shh! 542 00:25:16,546 --> 00:25:17,505 Shh! 543 00:25:25,737 --> 00:25:26,927 Shit. 544 00:25:28,573 --> 00:25:30,672 - Mmm... - Mmm! 545 00:25:30,708 --> 00:25:31,823 Mm! 546 00:26:17,235 --> 00:26:18,727 - Wait, wait, wait. - What, what? 547 00:26:18,779 --> 00:26:21,219 Before the... the main event, you, um... 548 00:26:21,954 --> 00:26:23,399 I just wanna make sure you want... 549 00:26:23,424 --> 00:26:25,141 you wanna d... you wanna do this, yeah. 550 00:26:25,176 --> 00:26:26,575 All signs point to yes. 551 00:26:26,610 --> 00:26:28,010 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 552 00:26:28,046 --> 00:26:29,045 I do... I do, too. 553 00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:30,479 - Yeah? - I r... really do. 554 00:26:30,514 --> 00:26:31,804 Okay, here we go. 555 00:26:40,324 --> 00:26:44,293 Oh, yeah. Oh, you feel so good. 556 00:26:44,328 --> 00:26:46,094 Feels great. 557 00:26:51,325 --> 00:26:53,918 Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com 40648

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