Original subtitles

It's that time.

Christmas time is here.

Everybody knows there's not a better time of year.

It's that day.

Santa's on his way.

Took him for a Christmas vacation.

Got a ton of stuff to celebrate.

We're getting closer. I can't wait.

Gonna make this holiday perfect as can be.

Just waiting to see the Christmas vacation.

This old house.

We'll be right back.

majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas

symbols. We're not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those

stupid ties with the Santa Clauses on it, are we, Dad?

No, I have one of those at home.

What we're looking for today is the Griswold family Christmas tree.

We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a

Merry Christmas.

What's the matter?

Jackass is riding my tail.

down and let them pass.

leave him safely behind.

Burn some dust here.

Eat my rubber.

Dad, I think what you mean is burn rubber and eat my dust.

Whatever.

displayed at the White House was? Dad, they're back.

Mark, stop it!

I don't want to spend the holidays dead.

Honey, please, I'll do the driving, okay?

Will you just take it easy, Ellen? I'm in complete control.

Around this egg timer.

They picked out that special tree and they cut it down with their bare hands.

Mom, I can't feel my hip.

Clark. Yes, honey?

Audrey's frozen from the waist down.

That's all part of the experience, honey.

There it is.

A family Christmas tree.

Isn't it a little big?

It's not big. It's just full.

Dad, that thing wouldn't fit in our yard.

Not going in our yard, Russ.

It's going in our living room.

Look at it. Really a beautiful clock.

Something else, huh, Russ?

Yeah, Dad.

Isn't it beaut, Audrey?

She'll see it later, honey.

Her eyes are frozen.

Most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of

kiss and kin.

This tree is a symbol of the spirit of the Griswold family Christmas.

Dad, did you bring a saw?

Looks like the toad overestimated the height of his living room ceiling.

Hey, Griswold.

Where do you think you're going to put a tree that big?

Bend over and I'll show you.

He's got a lot of nerve talking to me like that, Griswold. I wasn't talking to

you.

Do you think there's enough room for the angel?

Oh, sure, honey.

I have a little more trimming to do, but that won't be a problem.

Ready?

I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree.

A lot of sap in here.

Looks great. A little full. A lot of sap.

Did I tell you I talked to my mother today?

And?

And they've decided they're coming for Christmas, too.

You know, it's not too late to change our plans. No, no, no, that's great.

I think you're forgetting how difficult it's going to be having everybody in the

house at the same time.

Honey, they're family. They're not strangers off the street.

All they do is argue.

Christmas is about resolving differences and seeing through the petty problems

of family life.

Yeah. And it's about my mother accusing your mother of buying cheap hot dogs.

And your mother accusing my mother of waxing her upper lip.

And then they don't speak to each other. Your mother waxes her upper lip?

She has for years.

Doesn't show.

I don't know, Sparky. I just have this... Ellen, I want to have Christmas

in our house.

It means a lot to me.

All my life I've wanted to have a big family Christmas.

It's just that I know how you build things up in your mind, Sparky.

You set standards that no family event can ever live up to.

What have I ever done that?

Parties.

Weddings.

Anniversaries.

Funerals.

Holidays.

Vacations.

Graduations.

She'll be looking at a nice fat Christmas bonus this year, huh?

Word is you're an excellent choice to be named Food Additive Designer of the

Year. Nah, I'm not kidding.

What's that new thing you got over there at Food and Drug?

Oh, the Crunch Enhancer?

Yeah, it's a non -nutritive cereal varnish. It's semi -permeable. It's not

osmotic. What it does is it coats and seals the flake, prevents the milk from

penetrating it. Yeah, it's a beautiful product.

I like it, yeah. The big question is, what are you going to do with that big

bonus check? You're going to blow it on yourself, I hope. Me? Heck no.

The Christmas bonus check will cover it. Oh, my God, you're putting in a pool.

I went ahead and I put a $7 ,500 deposit down on it.

You're the last true family man.

Mark? Clark.

That's Bill, sir.

Are you the one who was working on that non -nutritive cereal varnish?

Yes, sir.

I've got to give a speech to a trade group. I'd like to mention it.

Write up a brief summary and have it to me by the end of the day.

My pleasure.

Layman's terms. None of that inside bullshit jargon that nobody understands.

Yes, sir.

Oh, Mr. Shirley.

We got your Christmas card the other day, and my family and I are very

that you remembered us.

Corporate cards.

Don't forget that report, Bill. Yes, sir. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Kiss my ass.

Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass.

Happy Hanukkah.

Can I show you something?

I was just smelling,

smiling.

I was just blouse browsing.

For your wife or your girlfriend?

What? What happened?

Wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less

than they are. Harder than they are.

It is warm in here.

Well, you have your coat on. Oh, do I? How did that happen? Because it's cold

out. Yes.

It's a bit nipply out. I mean nippy out.

What did I say? Nipple?

There is a nip in the air, though.

Can I take something out for you?

Looking at something for my wife.

God rest her soul.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, no, she's not dead.

We're just divorced.

She's history.

And obviously she doesn't wear underwear. There are plenty of shopping

until adultery's adulthood.

Which is to say Christmas as in Yule.

Yule log.

Not a log. I don't have a log, but I mean, you know.

If I had a log. Not in the sense that you think I said I did.

Good golly.

Tis the season to be merry.

Well, that's my name.

Oh, shit.

And what do these do? They clip on here?

Down there?

Sure.

These are cut really high on the hip.

Look, I'm wearing something similar.

See? You can't see the line.

Can't see the line, can you, Russ?

No.

ho ho ho ho ho

I'll give you a whole quarter. And I'll give Audrey a quarter too, Audrey.

I'll park the cars and check the luggage, and I'll be outside for the

We're going to have the best -looking house in town, Russ.

I've always wanted to do this.

It's a lot of lights, Dad.

Yeah, well, I'm sure it's a lot of work, too, but if I'm out in the cold and I'm

committed to decorating the house, I'm going to do it right, and I'm going to

it big.

You want something you can be proud of, don't you?

Yeah, I guess so.

Sure you do.

Think you might be overdoing it, Dad?

Russ, when was the last time I overdid anything?

Come on, unravel these.

You have to check every bolt.

That little knot here.

Look at that.

I'll get the other box.

I hope he falls and breaks his neck.

I'm sure he'll fall, but I don't think we're lucky enough to have him break his

neck.

I couldn't come to the phone because I was going to the bathroom.

We're all making sacrifices, Audrey.

Everybody? Do you sleep with your brother?

Do you know how sick and twisted that is, Mom?

Well, I'm sleeping with your father.

Don't be so dramatic.

I have nightmares about what he does in his bed alone when I'm not lying right

next to him.

Well, I don't know what to say except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.

Ellen, are you smoking again?

No.

down there in the lawn, Russ.

Well, obviously something had to break the window. Something had to hit the

stereo.

And why is the carpet all wet, Todd?

I don't know, Margo.

You want to hurry this up, Clark? I'm freezing my baguettes off.

250 strands of light. 100 individual bulbs per strand for a grand total of 25

,000 imported Italian Foucault lights.

25 ,000. I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring

at the house in my pajamas.

If they know you're Dad, they won't think anything of it.

Fire it up, Dad!

I dedicate this house to the Griswold family Christmas.

Drum roll, please.

So do washing machines.

Let's get in where it's warm.

Clark, baby, I can picture it in my mind. And it's breathtaking.

Thanks, Mom.

It's probably a bad fault, son. You know, if one goes out, the whole thing

doesn't work.

Now, if I were you, I'd personally check each one.

I did that, Dad. I can't... Well, look, if you need any help, give me a holler.

I'll be upstairs to sleep.

Thanks.

Sorry, Danny.

It looks good even if they're not lit.

Thank you so much.

Well, Dad, it was a good try.

Thanks, Russ.

Russ? Yeah?

We checked every bowl, didn't we?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure of it.

Thought so.

Maybe we ought to go up there and just get... Oh, whoa, jeez. Look at the time.

I've got to get to bed.

Brush my teeth, feed the hog.

Still got some homework to do.

Do the laundry, wash the car.

Still got those bills to pay.

Clark.

Don't step too late.

Get off me you little fungus.

Oh, God.

Where the hell is that cold coming from?

Oh.

Oh.

Hey.

Hey.

Hello? I need to get just a few more... Oh, no, pay by check if you can't. I

will. Not a car? No, the credit card. If they return it, then it's a hat.

What?

Help!

Daddy, we're coming.

How the hell would I know?

Is he in the house? If he isn't up on the ladder part and running his life, he

must be in the house. I'm sure he wants to come shopping and have lunch with us.

He's got another car. He can drive. I have to eat so I can take my back pill.

Christmas is the time of year for

being with the ones we love,

sharing so much joy and cheer.

What a wonderful day.

Taking a walk through the snow.

Listening to a children's choir.

Sparky? Yes, honey?

Are you out here for a reason, or are you just avoiding the family?

No. I still have a couple hundred more bulbs to check.

In the meantime, I can light the Santa and the eight tiny reindeer and the

Christmas sign.

That should look good.

Ready? You want me to do the drumroll thing?

No, it's okay. Here goes nothing.

I don't understand it.

The house lights don't work. The flood lights don't work.

Is it plugged in?

Honey, do you honestly think I would check thousands of tiny little lights if

wasn't sure the extension cord was plugged in?

You used more than one cord, didn't you?

Maybe the kids have been fooling around with it. I'll check them back.

Just ought to do it.

Oh!

Ellis! A victimist!

Oh, my God!

Everybody come out and wait for the light!

Ha -ha!

Go out there again like that.

Why, maybe he's got a...

Get a towel.

Wait a minute. I don't believe it. What's all the

yelling about?

What's going on here?

25 ,000.

What's he doing?

I have the foggiest.

You deserve a home like this to spend Christmas in.

It's a beaut, Clark. It's a beaut.

You taught me everything I know about exterior illumination. Thank you, thank

you.

Russ, Audrey.

Dear, dear friends.

I hope this adds to your enjoyment of the holidays.

Just wonderful.

Arthur.

Art.

Dad.

Thanks for being here.

The little lights are not twinkling.

I know, Art, and thanks for noticing.

The house sure does look swell, Clark.

Thanks, Eddie.

It enhances your holiday spirit, dear Catherine.

Betty?

Oh, the house is gorgeous, Clark.

Betty?

I hope you didn't do this all on our account, Clark.

Kids, come on out here and see what Uncle Clark's done to the house.

Betty?

Betty?

Yeah, if you don't remember, this here is Rocky.

Have you got a kiss for me?

You better take a rain check on that, all right? He's got lip fungus. He ain't

identified yet.

You remember Ruby Sue?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my gosh.

Her eyes aren't crossed anymore.

That's something, ain't it?

She falls in a well, eyes go crossed. She gets kicked by a mule, they go back

normal.

Yeah, we named him that because he's got the sinus condition.

Notch, you roll over and let Uncle Clark scratch your belly.

You ain't never seen a set on a dog like this one's got, Clark.

That's okay, Eddie.

That's something, ain't it? You pet him, Clark, on the belly, and he'll love you

till the day you die.

I really shouldn't. My hands are all chapped.

We were gonna call, but Eddie wanted to make it a surprise.

Yeah. You surprised?

Surprised, Eddie?

If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more

surprised than I am right now.

We have plenty of room.

Plenty of towels.

Plenty of everything.

Well, we're pretty well set up there in the RV.

You know, it's a little tight, but we didn't come to impose.

Well, there's plenty of room. Quit being so damn polite, Ed. Well, you know,

Catherine and I were...

pretty comfy in there you know but maybe you folks wouldn't mind the yaks are

shacking up with you after that long drive we could use a little private time

together honey why don't you run and get the kids things and don't forget the

rubber sheets in the turbo come on i want to show you the home

of a tree, Clark.

In the real?

Yeah, yeah. I dug it out of the ground myself.

That a fact.

Hey, hey, get out of there. Stop.

No. No, don't worry about it, Clark. A little tree water ain't gonna hurt him.

Before we left, he drank a half a quart of Penn's oil.

Boy, when he lifted his leg the next morning.

Eddie,

if he drinks the water out of there, the tree's gonna dry up. Come on, out of

there. Not.

You get out of there. Get in the kitchen now.

In the kitchen there, get you something to eat. Go on.

He's cute, ain't he?

Only problem is he's got a little bit of Mississippi leghound in him.

If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town.

You don't want him around if you wear his short pants, if you know what I

Word of warning, though, if he does lay into you, it's best to just let him

finish.

I just can't believe you're actually standing here in my living room, Eddie.

Never thought the day would come. Yeah, I'm excited about it, too.

It's a crying shame the older kids couldn't make it.

I'll get that. Don't worry about it.

Let me do it.

Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic getting cured off the wild turkey.

And the older boy, bless his soul, is preparing for his career.

College? Carnival.

You gotta be proud.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, last season he was a pixie dust spreader on a tilt -a -whirl. He thinks

that maybe next year he'll be guessing people's weight or barking for the yak

woman.

You ever see her?

No. Yeah, she's got these big horns growing right out above her ear.

Yeah, she's ugly as sin.

But a sweet gal and a hell of a good cook.

Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat?

Drive you out to the middle of nowhere?

Leave you for dead?

No, I'm doing just fine, Clark.

Just glad to be here.

Yeah.

So, when did you get the tenement on wheels?

Oh, that there, that's an RV.

Yeah, yeah. I borrowed it off a buddy of mine.

He took my house.

I took the RV.

It's a good -looking vehicle, ain't it?

Yeah. It's so nice parked in the driveway.

Yeah, it sure does.

Well, don't you go falling in love with it now.

Because we're taking it with us when we leave here next month.

Retooling. That's a great excuse.

Retooling. I'll retool you.

Mr. Shirley, Merry Christmas.

Who's that?

It's me, Clark Griswold. What do you want?

My wife and I came up with a little something special. It's a gift.

Put it over there with the others, Griswold.

Oh, by the way, I hope my report helped out at the trade show.

I'm sure it did, Griswold.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm in the middle of an important call.

Get me somebody.

Anybody.

And get me somebody while I'm waiting.

This is a new non -caloric silicon -based kitchen lubricant my company's

working on. It creates a surface 500 times more slippery than any cooking

Ah, we're really gonna fly down the hill with this stuff.

Has anyone ever used it on a sled?

Not that I know of, Russ.

Well, don't go putting all that stuff on my sled, Clark.

You know that metal plate in my head?

How could I forget?

I had to have it replaced because every time Catherine revved up the microwave,

I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half hour or so. So over at the

they had to replace it with a plastic one, and it ain't as strong, so... I

know if I ought to go sailing down no hill with nothing between the ground and

my brain but a piece of government plastic.

You really think it matters, Eddie?

Well, you see, the plate runs right underneath my part here.

And over here, it's...

No, nothing. But here, if this gets dented, then my hair just ain't gonna

right.

I know the feeling.

I better try this first, see how it works.

Well, you be careful there, Clark.

Nothing to worry about, Eddie.

Going for a new amateur recreational saucer sled land speed record, Clark W.

Griswold, Jr.

Remember, don't try this at home, kids. I am a professional.

Later, dudes.

Let her rip. Hang ten.

You okay?

Yeah.

Bill, did you get your bonus yet?

I just talked to my son.

Company messenger brought something to the house. I guess that's it.

Nothing like waiting to the last minute, huh?

Did you get yours?

Well, if it isn't at the house, I'm sure it must be on its way.

I don't get that bonus. I'm in it up to here.

Don't sweat it. It'll come.

Merry Christmas.

Same to you.

That's the island greeting that we send to you from the land where palm

trees sway.

Here we know that Christmas will be green and bright.

The sun to shine by day and all the stars at night.

Mele Kalikimaka is the wise way to say Merry Christmas to

you.

Mele Kalikimaka is the...

© BF -WATCH TV 2021

Rocky bit my thumb.

What? Him's nervous because Christmas is almost here.

Nervous or excited?

Shit and bricks.

You shouldn't use that word.

Sorry. Shit and rocks.

Him's nervous because you don't know if he's getting nothing.

I don't think you should be nervous, and you shouldn't be either.

Because if you're good, Santa knows it.

And if you believe in him, and you believe in your mom, and you believe in

your... your dad, and if you've been good all year round, Santa Claus

is gonna bring you something.

Sometimes I think all that Santa crap's just bull.

If he was so real, how come we didn't get school out last year?

We didn't do nothing wrong, and we still got the shaft.

Well, I happen to know for a fact that Santa Claus is real.

And in the next couple of days, somehow... I'm going to prove it to you.

You know, every year he comes to our house, I've seen him.

That's true?

Cross my heart.

So, it's a good idea you came to stay with us, isn't it? I love it here.

You don't got to put on your coat to go to the bathroom, and your house is

always parked in the same place.

Oh, I was just looking for something.

You didn't notice if a man came here and delivered a letter today, did you?

Nope. How come?

Just wondering.

All right, you get back to bed. Come here.

Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't...

I'm sure.

I can't even afford to be an elf.

Having any breakfast?

I'm not in the mood.

What are you looking at?

Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn, the clean, cool chill of the

air, and an asshole in his bathrobe emptying a chemical toilet into my

Shitter was full!

Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey? Clark, please.

He doesn't know any better.

You ought to know it's illegal.

It's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a

within ten yards of it.

I have this terrible suspicion that Catherine and Eddie don't have any

for their kids.

Rocky said something about Eddie telling him that Santa Claus wasn't coming this

year.

Yeah, Ruby Sue said something like that last night.

How can they have nothing for their children?

Well, he's been out of work for close to seven years.

In seven years, he couldn't find a job?

Catherine says he's been holding out for a management position.

So how's the live bait business, Eddie?

Well, I can't complain.

How you doing?

Not that good, actually.

Your company kill off all them people over in India not long ago?

No.

We missed out on that one.

You pretty set so far as shopping goes?

Well, I can't lie to you, Clark.

The truth is, things ain't going too good at all.

You know, I told you I borrowed the RV from my neighbor.

It's mine.

We live in it.

Had to sell off the house, the barn, the ten acres.

All I kept was a 50 -foot plot, pigs, and a worm farm.

If only I had back the money that me and Catherine sent that TV preacher that

was screwing the hockey players.

What about the kids?

These kids can fend for themselves.

Oh, your kids.

Oh, well, that's the bitch of it. I don't know what to do. We coasted into

on fumes, gas money, give out in gurney.

I hope you give the kids a nice Christmas.

Clark, I couldn't do that.

No, no, we insist.

Oh, no, I'm not one for charity now. Oh, I know that, Eddie.

This isn't charity, it's family.

I don't know about that.

Now, come on, if you don't tell me what they want, I'll go out and get it on my

own.

Oh, boy.

This is a surprise, Clark.

This is just a real nice surprise.

Just a real nice surprise.

Here's a little list.

Alphabetical starting with Catherine.

And if it wouldn't be too much, I'd like to get something for you, Clark.

Something really nice.

Is your house on fire, Claude?

No, Bethany, those are Christmas lights.

Don't throw me down, Claude.

I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany.

Is this the airport, Claude? We're here.

Hey, Grizz, me and Bethany figured out the perfect gift for you. Oh, Uncle

Lewis, you didn't have to buy me anything.

Damn it, Bethany, he guessed it.

Oh, that was fun.

I love riding in cars.

When did you move to Florida?

Are you still dating, Claude?

Oh, Aunt Bethany.

You know, you shouldn't have done that.

Oh, dear.

Did I break wind?

Jesus. Did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no. She means present. You

shouldn't have brought presents.

It isn't every day somebody moves into a new house.

They didn't move into a new house.

Um, Mom?

In the living room, Russ.

is bigger than your old one.

Is Rusty still in the Navy?

Bethany, why don't you go with Francis and Catherine into the living room and

say hello to everybody?

Hello, everybody.

You should say it.

You should say it. Hello, everybody. Hello, everybody.

Hello, everybody. Mom?

What?

Spots is meowing.

Let me see it.

She wrapped up her damn cat.

Take it in the kitchen and open it up. Then we'll have a cat running around the

house. You can't leave it in the box.

Why would somebody wrap up a cat in a box?

She gets confused, Rusty. She's old. She and Uncle Lewis don't have much money.

So she takes things from around the house, wraps them up, gives them away as

presents. Great. Can't wait to see what I got.

Listen here.

It's leaking.

It's live.

That would be her jello mold. I'll take it, Eddie. Why don't you go back into

the room and enjoy yourself for us?

Oh, boy.

Let's go find your sister.

Before we begin, since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she

lead us in the saying of grace.

What,

dear?

Grace!

Grace! She passed away 30 years ago.

They want you to say grace.

The best!

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the

republic for which it stands.

One nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Amen. Amen.

Catherine,

this turkey tastes half as good as it looks.

I think we're all in for a very big treat.

Save the neck for me, Clark.

Okay, Eddie.

Sorry.

Why are you crying?

little dry it's fine here's the heart

Aunt Bethany, does your cat by any chance eat Jell -O?

I don't know about the cat, but I sure am enjoying it.

Hey, kids.

I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sled on his way in

from New York.

You serious, Clark?

Art, you want to load me up with a little more there? It is good.

Just yacking on a bone.

He got it up.

He's all right now.

Maybe if you wouldn't feed him from the table.

No, no.

He's probably just nosing through the trash here.

Hey, Chris.

You're not doing anything constructive.

Run into the living room, get...

Anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?

He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.

If he stood up, it would be his last Christmas.

Honey? I told you, you had too many plugs in one outlet.

Oh, God.

What is it?

Nothing. Let's go in and finish our dessert.

That thing had nine lives.

She just spent them all.

Whoo!

If you don't mind, Clark, I'd like to see if I can fumigate this here chair.

It's a good quality item.

If you don't mind, uh, may I ask you how much it set you back?

You smell something?

Fried pussycat.

It's not the chair. It's some kind of gas coming from the sewer.

Lewis?

My treat.

So what's the matter with you?

Look what you've done to my tree.

Lewis.

It is an ugly tree anyway.

At least it's out of its misery.

That's going to flip out, right? No, nobody's going to flip out. We're going

have a wonderful Christmas.

What the hell do you want?

I have a delivery for Clark W. Griezmann.

I was supposed to deliver it yesterday, but it fell between the seats. I didn't

see it. I'm sorry.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

I can't believe it. What is it?

A letter confirming your reservation at the Nuthouse?

It's from my company.

Your bonus.

My bonus.

Open it, Clark. Open it.

Yeah, I hope it's a fortune, Clark.

You do, Eddie?

I was afraid.

Are you going to ball all over it, or are you going to open it?

I was going to wait until tomorrow to tell you all this, but what the heck.

With this bonus check, I'm putting in a swimming pool.

That's it.

That's the big one.

Open it.

I'm sorry if I've been a little short with everyone lately.

I've been waiting for this bonus.

To make sure the pool goes in as soon as the ground thaws, I had to lay out the

money in advance.

And until this little miracle arrived, I didn't have enough in my account to

cover the check I wrote.

There's enough

left

over. I'm going to fly you all down here to help us dedicate it.

I can't swim, Clark.

I know that, Eddie.

Hey.

Oh.

Hey.

Oh. Hey.

Clark, what's wrong?

Honey.

It's bigger than you expected?

What is it?

It's a one -year membership in the Jelly of the Month Club.

Oh, God.

Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.

That it is, Edward.

That it is indeed.

I'm sorry.

Clark.

This isn't the biggest bag over the head, punch in the face I ever got. God

it!

Son.

If any of you are looking for any last -minute gift ideas for me, I have one.

I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight.

I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody

all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here with a big ribbon

on his head.

And I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a

lying, no -good, rotten, four -flushing, low -life, snake -licking, dirt

-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood...

Sucking, dog -kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat -ass,

-eyed, stiff -legged, spotty -lipped, worm -headed sack of monkey shit he is.

Hallelujah!

Holy shit!

Where's the Tylenol?

Got that crazy birthday guy.

I told you we should have gone this way.

Turn that thing off and get in the house.

I'll talk to him, Mom.

No, Dad!

I've been thinking.

Good talk, Mom.

Aren't you just the teeniest bit sorry we didn't get a Christmas tree? I mean,

even though they're dirty and messy and corny and cliched.

Well, where are you going to find a tree at this hour on Christmas Eve?

What's the matter?

Was that really necessary?

We needed a tree.

May I remind you that... That this is all my idea? No.

No, no. I'm well aware of that, honey.

Well, could you just keep it in mind the next time you go berserk?

Go berserk?

Simply solved a problem.

We needed a coffin.

A tree.

There are no lots open on Christmas Eve.

Louis burned down my tree, so I replaced it as best I could.

Voila. Are you okay?

I'm fine, honey.

Fix the new post!

What's that sound?

It's a funny squeaky sound.

You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin planche.

I hear it too.

Don't hear it anymore.

Mom, don't move.

We can't let it get out of the living room.

Where's Eddie? He usually eats these goddamn things.

Oh, not recently, Clark. He read the squirrels were high in cholesterol.

Thank you, Catherine.

I'll try and trap it.

Russ! Right here, Dad.

Oh, there you are.

Go get the hammer.

Clark, what do you need a hammer for?

I'm going to catch it in a coat.

Smack it with a hammer.

I'm going in with him.

Nora?

Nora?

Is he gone? Probably got scared and ran back into the tree.

Thank you.

right over there and slug that creep in the face. I can't just attack someone.

All right then, if you're not man enough to...

A full -blown four -alarm holiday emergency here.

We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap -hap -happiest Christmas

since Bing Crosby tap -danced with Danny fucking Kay.

And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney knife, he's gonna

find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

You're goofy.

Don't piss me off, Art.

Clark, it's over.

Not according to Santa's watch, it isn't. Now, come on, son. Stay out of

Dad. Clark, I think it's best if everyone just goes home before things

worse.

How could they get any worse?

Take a look around you, Ellen.

We're at the threshold of hell.

Son, I love you.

We all love you. But this is a terrible night.

Nothing's gone right. It's a disaster. But you losing your temper with the

family only makes things worse. And you're too good a father to act like

In years to come, you want your children and your family to remember all the

love you gave us and how hard you tried to make the perfect Christmas.

You just cocked it up.

It's okay.

It happens.

All our holidays were always such a mess.

Oh, yeah.

How'd you get through it?

I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.

I love you.

Dad? Yeah?

Are you going to recite the night before Christmas?

No.

It's your house. It's your Christmas.

I'm retiring.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds while visions of sugar plums

danced in their heads.

And Mama in her kerchief and I in my cap had just settled our brains for a long

winter's nap when out on the lawn there arose such a clatter I sprang from my

bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore

open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new -fallen snow gave a luster of midday to

objects below, when what to my wondering eyes should appear but a miniature

sleigh.

And... And Eddie, with a man in his pajamas and a dog chain tied to his

and ankles. What the... Stay here.

Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas, Clark!

You about ready to do some kissing, huh?

Yes, officer. It seems my husband's been abducted. The man was wearing a blue

leisure suit, and the plates were from Kansas. He was a huge, beastly, bulging

man. I have never been treated like this in my life. I'm sorry. This is our

family's first kidnapping.

You're fired.

Where's the phone? I'm calling the police. Just hold your wad there, fella.

Clark had nothing to do with this. This here was my idea.

All right, he's still fired, and you are going to jail.

Oh, no, Eddie, it was my fault.

I lost my temper when I got my bonus, and I guess I said a few things I

shouldn't have. Bonus?

How did you get a bonus?

I cut out bonuses this year.

Yeah, and thanks for telling us.

I was expecting a check and said I got enrolled in a jelly club.

17 years with the company. I've gotten a Christmas bonus every year but this

one. You don't want to give bonuses, fine.

But when people count on them as part of their salary... Oh, what you did just

plain sucks.

Thank you, Russ.

My cousin -in -law, whose heart is bigger than his brain... I appreciate

Clark.

...is innocent.

I'll be more than happy to take the rap on this. On behalf of myself and on

behalf of every other employer you rear -ended this Christmas.

Look, uh... Sometimes things look good on paper, but, uh...

lose their luster when you see how it affects real folks.

I guess a healthy bottom line doesn't mean much if to get it you have to hurt

the ones you depend on.

It's people that make the difference.

Little people like you.

So, Carl, whatever you got last year, add

20%.

Here comes Santa Claus. Here comes Santa Claus. Right down Santa Claus.

Here comes Santa

Claus.

Here comes Santa Claus.

Down in Santa Claus Lane.

Would you and Mrs. Shirley like to step outside so we can take care of a little

bit of business here?

Oh, there's no business. I'm not pressing any charges.

What? It was a mistake.

Mistake? Frank, honey, you were kidnapped.

I did something I shouldn't have, and these people called me on it. This is

Clark Griswold and his family.

Welcome to our home.

What's left of it?

Release B -Squad.

What? going on here? Remember how I was toying with the notion of suspending the

Christmas bonuses?

You didn't. One of all the cheap, lousy ways to save a buck.

That's pretty low, mister.

If I had a rubber hose, I would beat you. I changed my mind. I'm reinstating

the bonuses.

No.

It's the Christmas star.

And that's all that matters tonight.

Not bonuses or gifts or turkeys or trees.

See, kids, it means something different to everybody.

Now I know what it means to me.

That ain't the friggin' Christmas star, Grizz. It's a lighter in the sewage

treatment plant.

Sewer gases.

It's that time.

Christmas time is here.

Everybody knows there's not a better time of year.

Hear that sleigh.

Santa's on his way.

Took him for a Christmas vacation.

Got a ton of stuff to celebrate.

It's getting closer.

I've had one.

Gonna make this holiday as perfect as can be.

Just wait and see the Christmas vacation.

This old house sure is looking good.

Got ourselves the finest new man in the neighborhood.

And when the night of people answering,

we can cuddle up and do our...

We don't let the spirit on us even carry us away.