Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language, adult humour and adult themes.

Fucking dare to that, honestly.

You sent him in a perfectly good passport for us, didn't you? Back

halfway between Pablo Escobar and an awful paedophile.

I think you look cute, I tell you what.

I was ten years younger.

Sorry, no offence, Elizabeth, but we, eh?

We have some good authority that you do in fact have a cursed vagina.

Bewitched. It's wise.

And B, I think it's highly inappropriate for you to be flirting with me because

I am to be your future manager.

Oh, dear God.

After the financial bloody clusterfuck you made of the rat and cutter, you know

you're going to buy this, are you? Not buy it, Vincent.

Lease it. And no, I haven't made a fucking clusterfuck of it. I've turned

rat and cutter around.

Now I've got my sight set on...

And you're doing what you always do.

Fucking bullet a shagging gate. Just do one thing at a time, man. It's exactly

not the advice of every great entrepreneur.

And I should know. I watch a lot of Dragon's Den.

Yep. Well, get that fucking jukebox fix then. And get some bar snacks.

Why is he always here? When I was young, his bloke used to come round with a

basket of fish.

And we all used to say to him, have you got crabs?

You know, for a laugh.

You didn't want the good old days, was it?

They had you in here enough times.

Well, I say in here, you were in the van in the car park with a packet of prawn

cocktail, Chris.

Yeah, I know.

Seen as I drove you home on more than one occasion.

How were you going to afford this when all your money's wrapped up in the

ratting hut? Well, therein lies a very cunning plan, one which involves me

for four days to Düsseldorf to meet Veronica, my son's mother, and her...

Drumroll, please.

Her very wealthy parents.

Why would Hans's German grandparents buy a fucking run -down pub in Hawley? I've

asked Hans. It turns out his grandad is an angel investor.

So all I've got to do is turn on me natural pizzazz and a few well -placed

and ka -ching!

Liz Jones and her cursed fanny are my new employees. Why is it cursed?

Please, can we not talk about my mother's fanny? He's dangerous.

He's killed several men, hasn't he? Listen, only eight men have died. The

53 are roaming around quite happy, thank you. That number's gone up. Yeah, well,

it will.

Here, here.

Ain't him ever died a mid -pump? Just the one.

What's he like, Dusseldorf?

Hotbed of filth and debauchery, I've no doubt.

Oh, it's a beautiful city, beautiful, yeah. Famed for its iconic Rhine tower.

Although I do have, you know, a few contacts over there in the debauchemot

industry, and I will be frequenting those for a few days prior to toddling

and meeting the parents.

Anyway, love to chat, must fly, and, uh, as they say in Germany, hatte le

Wetter, cunt.

Düsseldorf, not in Spain.

So? Hello, Mr. Schaffner.

Speaking. There is a visitor here in reception wishing to see you. A visitor?

Who is that?

He says his name is Bernard Law Montgomery.

I bet you'll live for free.

But you can give them to the birds and bees.

Hover! Hey!

What in the name of Jesus H. Fuck, what are you doing here? Hey, I got your

hotel details from Vinnie. Bought myself a cheap fight over.

Come fly.

Absolutely fucking straight, airline.

Why would you do that?

Why would you make such a strange and fucking incorrect decision, you manky

pube? We all nearly died that day, Tom, on that coach.

You weren't even fucking on it.

I was fucking on the tractor, getting fucking dragged to the untimely end.

Well, not that untimely, eh, Jim? Right, come on, off you fuck.

And I made a vow that day that all the things I've been putting off had to get

done. Fucking carpe diem. Fucking bucket list.

And what you've always dreamed of visiting Dusseldorf.

Is that the right pronunciation?

Dusseldorf.

Bukkake.

Bukkake. I'm so sorry about that. Sorry.

Bukkake. You said Bukkake?

Yeah, yeah. Well, it's famous for it over here, isn't it? All you underground

whatnots and that. And you...

Now go the fucking right places.

Right, okay.

I can't believe that meant something. Right, how do I put it? Jim, fuck off,

manky old scrotum. Get on the next fucking overcrowded shitty flight back

There we go, avanti, bonjour. Yeah, yeah, yeah, go on.

Some people want to fucking skydive or fucking go to the Great Barrier Reef.

This is my Taj Mahal, Tomo.

My Great Wall of China.

Good luck, dear.

Fine.

I'll just ask around, then.

Fuck!

Fucking hell!

Fine, Jim.

I do know people and do know places. But listen to me. Right, mark my words for

you. Mark it.

Heed me, Jim.

Right. When you have shot, you mug a little wad, that's what's done.

Right, you're finished. We are not... I repeat, we are not on a mini -break

together. We absolutely don't.

You've got

crisps in your beard, love.

Now.

Tom.

Mailer, minor, kleiner.

Far line up. This is my friend James. Friend, I mean. He's more of a rancid

farmer. I'm only acquaintances with because we grow weed under his arm.

Charmed to meet you. Hi.

So I understand you are here for the bukkake?

That's right.

Okay. We do classic bukkake here.

Three men, one woman.

Okay.

And... If I were to be on my knees... Oh.

This is extra.

Do you have cash?

Oh, yeah.

Go to my band.

And we'll be joined by Anton and Dieter.

Don't be intimidated. They're extremely large, but just follow their lead.

Congratulations.

Yeah, right.

So, off we go. Good luck, and don't be too gross.

Hmm.

Oops, I've met a fucking elf.

Ah, guten outfit.

Ah, sehr gut.

Dad, are you in Düsseldorf?

I am indeed, yes. I'm currently talking of the cultural highlight of this fine

city. Fucking hell.

So, little Justina.

Do you want to meet at Grandma and Grandpapa's house or before?

And Mummy can't wait to see you.

Can I? Oh, yes.

She says it will be strange after all the years, but also wunderbar.

They're doing dinner at 6pm. Well, listen, I've got a few things to clear

here first, but ping me over the address.

I've got a higher car, so I suppose I can... Toodle -oo... Shit.

Hans, love, I'll see you at 6, all right?

Fucking hell, Jim!

Jim!

The fuck have you done, you?

Ain't nothing.

I said, I said, don't be too gross. Did I not say that? I wasn't. I mean, we

were just getting through it, and I know I've got a bit of an intense jack -off

face, but she just started crying and fled.

I'm fucking on the deck.

I'm playing, miserable old cunt. Take.

Mila, sweetheart, love, baby, angel, you all right in there?

I'm sorry.

No, no, don't, don't. You'll be all right. You're a mangy cunt with a

jerk -off face. Just come out of here, and we can talk about this. Is she all

right?

I'm sorry if it was me. The last thing I wanted to... No, no, it wasn't you.

You were a gentleman. It's me.

I shouldn't have come to work tonight. I'm just so worried.

What's happened?

My brother, Otto, he's in the hospital.

He had a heart attack.

That's terrible.

Not ideal.

I have his phone and he keeps getting these messages from someone named

Right, so that's all in German, isn't it? He says, we want the gear.

When and where.

Don't ignore me. Fucking call me or I'll find you. As faith.

As faith, right. That's a rare insult.

That's insane. So what's he got himself involved in?

Envelopes.

Why? Well...

Otto runs the local post office. And since the legalization of cannabis,

come here to smoke, to party, from the UK, France. And many of them get the

to post drugs back home.

So they Google local post office.

Otto's the first hit.

So they wander in and ask... How much is it worth to let back to the UK?

So we tell them the price of a stem.

Otto knows they're posting weed, mushrooms.

Then he throws them into a special red delivery bag.

Which he then brings home with him. Because who's going to make a complaint?

Oh, my drug's never made it home?

Fucking clever.

Perfect crime.

But then he didn't know what to do with them all. Hence, Bozeman. For me,

there's thousands of fucking pounds worth.

Maybe tens of thousands.

People pay 40, 50 euros for mushrooms.

Even more for the strong ones.

But I can't get involved.

I don't want trouble with the police.

Ah, well, congratulations, Mila, because we deal with this sort of thing all the

fucking time.

For a small remuneration, i .e. a cut of the profits, we could get some of the

contents of these envelopes to Mr.

Bozeman. Herr Bozeman, if you will. Herr Deutscher. Very good.

And, you know, make the transaction.

You would do that for me?

Mila, of course. Mi casa es tu casa.

You can have the money. I don't need it. Fifty -fifty.

Let's say that.

80, 20.

60, 40.

Okay, I accept 60.

Fucking well done.

Thank you so much.

Bitte schön.

If you meet them, you might meet someone who speaks German.

Do you know anyone?

Mela, would you believe it?

I know just the man.

Here he fucking is!

Listen, you'll be all right with this. He won't tell your mum, really. It's

our little secret.

It is exciting.

Oh, yeah. Like a movie.

It's an illegal drop in a decreased location.

Oh, yes. Well, listen, that's how your father rolls.

It's a wall -to -wall adventure and intrigue. Oh, yes.

Except we're meeting him round the back of a large garden furniture warehouse.

All right. On that note, avante!

Let's go.

It's a quick in and out. Stick to the plan and we'll be skipping Steins on the

Rhine. Bob's your fucking uncle.

Right.

Jim, you stay here with the gear. Me and Hans will go and negotiate.

I don't like this.

They've got nasty eyes.

They're probably going to kill us and dump our bodies in the Seine. The Seine

in France.

You're missing the fucking point.

I am this close to achieving a lifelong ambition.

And now I'm going to get shot in the face on some misguided envelope -based

fucking scam. Jim, love, I'll just put this gently.

Um, shut the fuck up, you stupid old cunt.

Mr. Boseman, wo ist Otto?

Tell him that we are colleagues and we have what he needs.

Wir sind Otto's Kollegen. Kollegen.

Otto ist beschäftigt, aber wir haben was sie braucht.

Ja. Hat Otto den Weihnachtsmann seine zwei Helfer geschickt, um seine

Drecksarbeit zu erledigen? Wieso sieht der englische Weihnachtsmann so klapprig

aus? Post -Brexit Weihnachtsmann.

Oh, yeah, what's he saying?

They say Otto sent Santa Claus, I think they mean Jim, and his two elves.

to do a deal for him.

And then they did a bunch of follow -up stuff, which is German humor and won't

be funny to you.

Okay. Was wollen diese Zwerge? Now they are asking how much you want for the

gear. Yes.

20 .000 Euro.

20 .000 Euro.

20 .000 Euro.

Ja. Der Weihnachtsmann hat wohl den ganzen Whisky zu früh gesoffen. They say

that Santa must be drunk on all the whiskey if we want 20k.

Wir machen euch ein Deal.

Wenn ihr unsere Weihnachtssocken füllt,

They will give us 4K if we agree to fill their Christmas stockings. Jesus

Christ, some fucking gentle humour, this, isn't it? I have to tell them, 15

grand, and that's my final offer.

15 ,000.

Rude. All right, 10 grand, and that's as low as I'll go.

Seen. 5 ,000. 65.

Remind those cunts he won the war.

No, no, Jim, we're not going down that route. Thank you very much. All right,

nine grand. Nine grand, and that is it. That is as low as I'll go, or may God

strike Jim down.

Nine. Das beste Angebot.

Acht. Eight.

Nine. Done. Fucking great.

Now let's get the dough so we can get on with the bukkake.

Tell them that we want to see the cash before the drugs get handed over.

Wir wollen zuerst die Kohle sehen. Bitte, Kohle sehen. Sicher.

Aber vorher will ich ein Bild mit dem Weihnachtsmann.

They want a photograph with Santa Claus.

You are?

Are you for real? Yes, they want to send it to a friend.

Crikey. All right, go on. Hey, having a grey beard does not make me Santa Claus.

Oh, my God.

Rasputin had a grey beard.

Fucking Fidel Castro had a grey beard. Get in that fucking selfie, you cunt.

He's wearing disposable gloves.

Only killers wear disposable gloves.

Maybe he's got a germ phobia. Go on, get in the selfie, love. There we go.

There we go.

They're good.

Yeah, super cool.

Come,

come. He's had now one with Oliver. What are you talking about?

Okay.

I was singing.

Yeah, lovely.

Jesus!

My best shirt was in that suitcase.

And me tingly body rub. And me corn plaster.

You're honestly going to go for that old fucking weird smorgasbord? I've nicked

off my fucking luggage, my passport, and my fucking hire car that I didn't get

insured. You didn't take the insurance?

No. Would you like to take the insurance?

Yeah. Four days in Düsseldorf was the worst that could happen.

Would you like to take the insurance?

Fuck!

We lost the car, but...

We gained a jacket.

Stop it. What do you think? I've not got time for whimsy now, love.

Oh.

What's this?

What was it? What was it? What is it?

Browery Shuman, 10 .30.

That's a beer hall.

That's a fucking meet -up. That's a fucking meet -up. He's going there

Unless it was last night and he's just still in his pocket.

I swear to God, man.

But, Dad, we have to go to Grandma and Grandpa's.

In fact, we need to be there in 22 minutes.

OK, OK. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to go to the relative, have

bit of din -din. Lovely.

Then, early to bed, let me sneak out and go and retrieve what's rightfully ours.

Brilliant. Call an Uber.

Hang on a minute.

What about me getting what I came for?

Jim, where's the fucking room? Events have moved on. So you're just going to

off to dinner and leave me here in the middle of fucking nowhere?

You can come with us. As you say in England, the more of the people, The

of the situation.

Nice one.

Take care.

Yeah.

It's Mummy.

This is a huge moment. My mother and my father reunited after so many years.

All right, all right, I'm coming.

Words which I want to tell of your creation.

Mummy! And that's what I said when I came.

Hans. It's Daddy.

Thomas. Well, yes, it's been a very long time.

Yes. Hello again.

Hello, Veronica.

Looking well.

Very Germanic, with your hair like that and the raw neck and all that, you know.

And you look very English.

Thank you, I think. Who is this?

This is Jim, a friend of Dad's.

Good to meet you. I've heard a lot about you.

Well, the 16 -year -old you. The one that liked cowgirl on school trips.

Jim! Sorry about that.

Veronica! Fun!

Papa! Honey, hello!

Kinder!

So good to see you.

I had a drink last night.

I've been at the circus.

Oh, me.

Meine Liebe.

Opa? Ja? Das ist mein Vater, Thomas.

Vater und sein Freund Jim. Freund.

Did you bring any luggage?

We had it stolen.

I hope you have insurance.

Fifty quid.

What's the worst that could happen?

Never mind.

I'll lend you some of my briefs. Let's go.

These are briefs.

Thomas. Come, hurry up, schnell.

This is our sauna, and I built it with my own hands. Just as Gitte is preparing

us the most amazing feast. And there's nothing more enticing for the appetite

than a cold plunge.

Oh. The secret is, it's complete submerging all the way to your neck. And

hold it for two minutes and not a second less.

Two full minutes.

All right.

Now follow me.

Now you, come.

Okay. Here goes nothing.

Test the water as it... Oh, fuck me, yes, that's it. That's very many calls,

actually. Don't allow yourself to think about it. Yes, Noel, I have talked about

it, and the brain is very much saying, no, thank you, so I'm just going to go

say no. All right, count him in.

Four.

Three.

Two.

I haven't mentioned that I do have a heart defect, and so I'm a bit concerned

this might bring about a cardiac arrest. Here we go!

Hey,

reminds me of the Merchant Navy.

Except this one, we were all naked.

I'm fucking crazy!

Hey,

I'm just going to get some wine for the day.

All right.

Oh, and get me some tampons, will you?

I told you, you're the moon cop.

Hey, just...

Get the tampons. You get them. I'm not buying shitty single -use plastic.

Weirdo.

Oh, it's my way today.

I know.

Don't sweat the technique.

Alex, fucking go. Go fucking joke him.

Fuck's sake, babe.

You were meant to go in for a bottle of wine. Yeah, well, an opportunity arose.

Did you hit him then?

Legitimately. Fuck me.

I thought we were leaving all this small -time shit behind and wearing my

fucking tampons, eh?

That guy in there is probably just doing his fucking job, minimum wage, probably

getting into all kinds of trouble now. It's not right, Alex.

You're asking me to compromise on my own standpoint on these things. My own

fucking standpoint.

As if you didn't just fucking smash a guy in the face for a couple of quid.

I fucking told you to use a mooncock. Oh, fuck off.

Thank you, sir.

So,

Ernst, or perhaps now that we're related, I could venture to call you

Keep it a secret.

Okay, as you wish.

Listen, about earlier, the whole ice plunge situation, I think we got off the

wrong foot, didn't we? Because, you see, the whole great outdoors, certainly my

natural environnement, you know, I'm more of a night -time economy guy. You

know, pubs, clubs, bars, where people can go and find fun and friendship.

Everyone to their own. And as it happens, I do have a small portfolio of

in the UK, but I'm ever looking to expand.

I see.

Hans helped me financially to set up my flagship venue, the Rat and Cutter, and

now I've got my little eye on another local bar, very up and coming, and I was

wondering if you might want to chat investment opportunities.

You got my daughter pregnant?

No, let me ask you a question.

Why do you think Veronica never told you that you're Hans's father?

Because we met when we were very young and on a school exchange.

So it's one of them, isn't it?

She went through hell.

She was 16 years old with a newborn child.

Couldn't go out with her friends.

Couldn't go on holidays.

She had to postpone college.

And why?

Because some English boy was the cheap to buy prophylactics.

A fucking condom.

Well... It wasn't expensive as such.

She didn't tell you because she thought you are a bad bet.

She thought your life will be chaotic and failing,

even though she was physically attracted to you at

that age. She was smart enough even then to realize you're the kind of guy that

can't be relied upon.

Well, how wrong was she, eh?

Was she?

I think of myself as a good judge of character.

It comes with my line of work.

And I think Veronica, my daughter, she's too.

Ernst, answer this for me.

I've always wanted to know.

What's with the fucking umlauts?

Huh? Oh, my God.

Look, there's something I didn't tell you about my uncle.

You thought you'd wait till he got to the door, did you?

It's not a big deal. It's just, he didn't look like you'd expect, right?

How do you mean?

There is plenty of space.

Bathroom is just outside.

And I will bring you some towels.

What are you doing here, Jim? You can't stay the night as soon as you've got

that gear.

Get off your hotel.

What hotel?

What do you mean, what hotel?

Well, I didn't book one.

I just thought so once I got here. Who the fuck does that?

I thought you might have a spare bed in your room.

Why would I have?

There you go.

Speak if you need anything else. We are only upstairs.

I want that fucking Bukkake, Tomo. And I'm not going home until he's done. Your

actions are not the actions of a reasonable man.

It's like Morecambe and Wise, isn't it?

Two grown men, shared in a room, separate beds.

Simple time, you see.

They said he'd give us a signal when they went to bed. Where is he? Don't

to let anything of it back then.

This is the same halcyon age when Jim Davidson were doing Chalky White and

Hill were chasing scantily clad women round the grounds of stately homes.

Oh, God.

That's right.

Sully it with your woke agenda.

Uh -oh, fuck me.

Everyone's fucking offended nowadays.

It's because you can't say anything.

Oh, my God.

When we were kids, you got given a nickname, you just got on with it. When

young, people used to call me Pigshit Jimmy because I lived on a farm.

And it hadn't done me any harm, has it, eh?

Huh?

I'm not so sure about that, love.

I...

Immer im Rhythmus.

Someone's been on the Jägerbomb.

Keep your eyes peeled, Jim.

You remember what it looks like?

Hey, give memory of the fox me.

Foxes have good memories?

Well, if they haven't, why would they have said it?

What the fuck's going on here?

What's going on, pal? It's a drink -walk -wetbewerb.

You're speaking English.

No.

You speak fucking English.

He's a rude man.

Him? Oh, yeah, he's fucking awful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry.

What the fuck is going on here? It is the famous drink -walk competition.

Everyone has put in five euro, and the winner gets to keep the pot of money.

That book, the cash prize?

Fuck it, I'm getting involved.

No, no, no, no, no, Tim, Tim, no!

I couldn't get away.

No, so?

You took Granddad's car.

Yeah, I noticed that. No, he went to bed, but he won't be happy if he finds

A drink -slash -walk competition. How fantastic.

Yes,

Jim!

There's the man. Odd. Jacky, man.

Definitely him. It is him and all, yeah.

Right, we've got him trapped up.

Look!

Hey, what's up?

Good to know you're home.

Wow.

He's just staring at her.

Fred,

that's car!

That's fucking my car!

What do you fucking mean?

Would you like to take the issue?

No, no, no, no!

Thought I didn't do so, Dolph.

What's the worst that could happen?

I have an idea.

No, no, no, no, no.

Get out.

Oh, that's not good.

Oh, he's alive. Thank God.

Hey. Oh, tell you what.

I'm having that.

Excellent. Five likes on.

All right, you check the boot.

Nothing back here. Oh, jackpot.

It's a mobile telephone.

Let's get this cunt into our car.

Are we taking him to the hospital?

No, we folk.

This bastard's a bargaining chip.

Is it chip or is it cheat? Dad, I don't like this.

I think I might be out of my depth. I can't take a man hostage.

Look, love, you're only hostage if you're being held against your will.

And his gaggins come with us, aren't you, mate?

Get me the fuck out of here!

They're all fucking psychos!

There we go!

Aren't you like that, you great German shit?

Right, here is the plan.

We're going to bell Boseman up off Lado's phone. Boseman's going to pick up

phone because he thinks one of his guys is calling. Then we're going to say to

him, or rather you're going to say to him, because you speak German, you're

getting your lad back until we get, A, our passports, B, our luggage, and C,

fucking gear that he stole from us. I can't do that.

Oh, darling. If we don't get our passports back, we can't go on.

And as much as you might be the nation who invented socks and sandals, you do

not deserve a crusty old racist farmer.

Fine. Give me the telephone.

But I want to do it my way, with politeness.

Good for you. Good lad.

Nice. Politeness? Are you fucking sure he's your kid?

Says the man with the super smart lesbian daughter.

Lesbian?

As in?

He's a fucking lesbian.

Then she sleeps with women. What do you think I'm... Oh, my God, did you not

know that? You're saying that my Ali is a fucking donut bumper?

Oh, Jim, honestly, as much as it might be difficult for you to get your head

around the fact that you have spawned a homosexual, maybe she'd be grateful, you

know, because she's a lovely young woman, isn't she? This is a fucking

this. I told her not to introduce her to fucking hockey.

All them young girls, short skirts, big wooden fucking sticks.

I worry about your world view, I really do, Jim.

Hey, look, there's a place here half a mile away. Look, he says... Keep him for

all erotic desires.

Jesus Christ, Jim, if you mention Bukacki one more fucking time... You

promised you'd help me. No, no, no, no, no. Factually inaccurate, that. What I

seem to recall happening is you following me to a foreign nation like a

sedimentor. What did he say, love?

He said you can keep him.

What? The man in the back, he said, I don't care, keep him.

Ew, Germany!

Fill your boots.

Actually, don't fill your boots. I wish you'd not said that. It's a horrible

image.

Grandad isn't going to be very happy about the car. That's a fucking

understatement. To be honest, love, I reckon your grandad's opinion of me

that high to begin with.

What makes you say that?

Oh.

Call it a hunch.

And your mum.

But, you know, she was a bit, uh, cool, frosty, ice -cold, you know? Mum is the

sort of person who keeps her emotions inside herself.

She would have been nervous about seeing you again, I think.

I suppose I'm just a stranger to her, aren't I?

I'm just someone who's had a youthful fling with many moons ago. Nothing more,

nothing less. Is it just me, or does it seem very much like those two men over

there are heading this way with rather large sledgehammers?

They are definitely coming in this direction.

I mean, no one's here.

No one's for us, so they can't be here for... us.

Release Lucas.

They're no easier.

Release him now.

Dad, this is scary.

No, no, no, sweetheart. They're trying to frighten us, aren't they? I'll handle

this.

Guten Abend.

Guten Abend.

Just speak English.

Your German is worse than a three -year -old. Listen, I've told Bosman we'll

release him when we get our passports and the gear you stole.

Now, or we fuck up your car more.

It's not my car, it's my son's granddad's, so... Your son's granddad's,

Not your father, but your wife's father. No, she's not my wife, actually,

either. In fact, I barely even know her. We had a brief sexual encounter two

decades ago.

And you didn't use protection.

How did you find her?

Find my phone up.

Everyone has this.

Right, no, listen, listen. Right, we had a fair deal.

And Bosman shafted us right at the asshole.

And this dickhead in the back, he's written off my hire car.

You didn't take the insurance?

No, I did not.

Look, I am going to count to three, and then you release Luca.

He doesn't fucking like love. We're not giving him back until we get what's

rightfully ours.

Eins. We have to let him go. They're bluffing. Why?

I don't think they're bluffing. Because they're bluffing in front of the car,

aren't they? Good run them over.

Don't run them over.

Drive.

See? What did I say?

Bluffing.

He's opening the door. No, he's not.

No, he's not.

Open the fucking car door or we'll clash a gun that is tired.

Come on, let's go!

Come on, Chip!

What if they follow us?

Oh, throw the phone out the window. Throw the phone! Throw the phone out the

window! Or I could turn off Find My Phone.

Yeah, yeah, no, I'll do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you for saving us.

Did you do the deed?

Huh? The deed. If you've done the deed, it's the deed done. No, he fucking

isn't! What are you going to do with him in the back?

We can't take him back to my grandparents' house.

Explaining the car is going to be bad enough without a hostage in the booth.

He's not a host... She's free to go at any time.

Uncle Jay took a shine to you, told me in the kitchen.

He said you were a keeper.

Yeah, I bet he did.

Oh, God.

And he said he'd get us some work.

Yeah, what kind of work?

I don't know, like... I don't know, but we can trust him.

It'll be good.

Now then, admit it.

How sexy did you find me robbing that shop?

Come on.

You know you did.

Did not. You did.

Did not. You loved it.

Baby!

Liz says you're up here, is that right?

Davy? Davy, love.

I've told you the name's Alfred Barnard. Jesus fucking cra - Of course, you

stood right there. Bloody terrifying. Stop. Stop being Alfred Barnyard for a

minute. I know it's you.

Hey, Liz has told me that you've demanded to move in here a little bit.

Demanded? Why are you still doing the voice?

Listen, she told me.

That you're like a crazy woman in an attic.

Are you listening? The only time she ever sees you is when you want

And to the best of her knowledge, you've been in this fucking room for three

bloody weeks. Is that true?

She likes to talk, doesn't she, Miss Jones?

Yeah, but listen, I'm worried about you, Davy. I've stayed in the crow's nest

before. It fucking sucks.

Did you know that that television console has only got three view?

Right. I've spent my days watching reruns of A Place in the Sun.

Ooh. One couple.

wanted to sell their house in Burnley and relocate to Fuerteventura.

Imagine, idiocy. What's going on? What the fuck's happened?

Somebody made it abundantly clear that they wanted me dead.

I can smell your balls from it. I'm sorry, dude.

You haven't been showering. I had a flannel wash this morning, thank you

much. Come on, we're going for a drive. Tell me what's gone on.

Donna had scurried off back to Liverpool with a tail between her legs and I was

feeling very proud of myself.

You can't be dead.

Me, in Manolido's mansion, ruling the roost.

I was the king of the fucking world.

And then, one night, I woke up and I could feel something wet

in the bed alongside me and I was thinking, what on earth can that be?

I'm alone in bed.

What could be wet down there?

Oh, fucking hell, what was it?

You've seen The Godfather? Yeah. I assume with a horse's head. You're

wasn't I? Was it that?

No. Oh.

Worse.

Oh, Donna.

No. I won't give a shit about that.

No. It was.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh, fuck me, the exotic zoo. Yes, correct, Vincent.

There was a note telling me that if I didn't leave that evening, then it would

be my head in my mother's bed.

Shit. Shit indeed, sweetheart.

I'm not ashamed to say it. It shook me.

Do you know who it was?

It was that cross -dressing cunt, Kittens.

Revenge for McCann.

Why did I get McCann killed?

For you.

To help you.

And now, look, comes back to haunt me.

Well, I mean, it suited you down to the fucking ground, didn't it, and all? Them

being dead.

What's that?

That's Demis Rousseau's. Who the fuck's that?

Demis Rousseau's.

It's one of his favourite.

Who the fuck did you tell were here?

I haven't told anyone we're up here, you fucking nutcase.

I know. Jesus, what's wrong with you? This is how it ends.

On a cold, lonely road with you by my side.

We're quick. We'd better run. He's a man on his way home. He's just a random

dickhead. Vincent!

And you in.

Where have you been?

That is a very long story.

Leading my boy astray.

What are you doing here, Tomo?

Why did you come here?

I sometimes wish he had never found you. He should have left the path in the

path.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Pretend I don't exist.

That's all right, love.

Your dad let the cat out of the bag.

Why? You didn't want to let me know that I had a son.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What did he say?

He said, um...

It's all right when you're me.

When you grow up like I grew up.

Shit parents bounce around from care -ums to care -um.

People have a certain way of looking at you.

They don't have high hopes for you.

And, you know, you go to school and careers and all that, and they do the

thing. You've got best condescending pat on the back, but tell you basically,

you are fucking nothing, you're nothing, and you're always going to be nothing.

Right, and so you have to just sort of either fall in line with that thinking,

or, like, fight, fight back, you know.

Fight to prove yourself.

Prove those dickheads wrong.

But it follows you.

And, you know, people looking down on you and thinking that you're nothing,

thinking that you're worthless and shit, follows you around.

I've fucking tried.

I fought really hard.

And I'll keep fighting now for him, for my lad. And just

prove to your dad and fucking 16 -year -old you that I'm not shit, actually.

and that I can't make something of my life.

I

didn't

tell you I was pregnant because I was scared you'd reject me.

I felt like I loved you and I wanted to have your child, but I

was scared you'd tell me to get rid of it.

I've thought about you so much over the years.

And I did want to tell you, but... Weeks turn to months, and...

I'm glad you didn't get rid of him. He is the best thing

in my whole life.

Sorry. You know... You used to have a fantastic

job.

You really have.

God, I'm sorry for all this mud shit that I've fucking got him into now.

You're both back safe and... Apart from the state of my father's car, hopefully

it's all done and dealt with now?

It is. Yeah, it is.

Except for the fella tied up in the boots.

I'm sure you have done worse.

Joyriders, innit?

Fucking joyriders.

We'll say we went for an early walk, and when we came back, Daddy's car was

gone. Must have been stolen in the night.

Veronica, you are a fucking angel.

You're an angel in woman form, and, er...

Speaking of which, I hear that your father is an angel investor.

I was wondering if, you know, maybe if I get in my briefs again, if you might be

able to facilitate a business discussion?

Let's see what we can do.

Oh!

Good morning!

Oh, good morning, Gator.

Just me covering from last night.

Oh,

how would you like to start the day off in the sun? Oh, no, I'm not sure about

that. I think you'll find it invigorating.

What's it called?

Uh, okay.

Yes, go on.

We heard what you said.

What you are looking for.

I negotiated with Bozeman.

He now has a membership to my club.

Mila, you are an absolute fucking superstar.

So to this car, though, eh?

Nice. You took the insurance?

What do you mean you're going back to school?

There's a school reunion.

Let's get smashed.

Meet me in the science lab.

Her body was destined to be in a leotard on a stage.

You look like you want to hit me.

I was bullied here too. I could get CJ and you could get mine. I think Carver

it is about to do something really stupid.

What the fuck?