Original subtitles

And now the NCAA Final Four

postgame show.

Welcome back

to the post game show sponsored by Capital One.

We hope you enjoyed that

commercial where spike Lee, Samuel L

Jackson, and Jennifer Garner are supposed to be friends.

I'm Ernie Johnson here with Kenny the Jet Smith,

sir Charles Barkley,

and Coach Bruce Pearl.

Well, fellas, let's let's talk about tonight's

first game where Connecticut beat Illinois 71 to 62.

Oh, that night for Illinois's offense, indeed.

They got sit down fast

and then let me ask for temporary autograph.

Yeah, Ernie.

Man, that game was miraculous.

It was spectacular.

I mean, one could call it miracle tackler.

Absolutely.

It was almost as impressive as when Chuck spoke

so eloquently about immigrants last week.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

That's right, that's right.

That's right. Chuckster.

Now, you got a lot of love for your passionate defense

of the immigrant experience on this very show.

Oh, well, I got to tell you, man,

all kinds of people were texting me, emailing me.

It's the first time I went viral

without a prescription for Valtrex.

People love sincere Charles Barkley.

They do rhyme.

It's crazy, man.

All right, well, let's move on to the highlights from tonight.

Oh, before we do, Ernie, can I say something?

Oh. Sure.

Now, this might get me fired,

so I'm going to choose my words real careful right now.

Look, there's a war going on, and, between us and Iran,

war was terrible.

Innocent people getting killed.

And I don't care who started it. But we need to end it. Okay.

Amen.

I appreciate you.

Thank you. Charles.

Let's let's talk about the late game

where Michigan beat Arizona.

Coach Pearl, any thoughts?

Oh, tons.

Okay.

Care to share? No.

Well, it was a great game.

I mean, I like Michigan toughness.

But first, can I say something real quick, Ernie?

Sure. Okay.

I'm going to choose my words like, real careful here.

The Artemis two space mission is,

where's the money?

Now, I know I don't always pick the house.

And last but name even going to the moon.

They just flying around the moon.

What's the point of that?

It's like telling your kids you're going to Disney World,

and then you just take them to goofy like D and go home.

I mean, the mission is wrong, and, we need to end it.

All right.

Thank you. Charles.

Why don't we get back to basketball? Okay.

Michigan's win tonight really upended expectations.

Yeah, they were the underdog.

I bet a lot of people lost money on this one.

Well, you know, it's crazy.

You can bet on anything now.

You guys seeing these signs like caution?

Oh, yeah.

Where you can, like, bet on stuff like,

who win The Masked Singer worse than that, man.

You can bet on

what your favorite sports commentator will say on live TV.

Watch this.

Rumplestiltskin. But

I just made $200,000.

Charles. We got to.

We got to get back to business. Oh, absolutely.

Absolutely.

But, first, can I say something, Ernie?

Is it going to be about basketball?

Possibly.

How good could the camera, slowly put your hand on me?

Yeah. That's good.

Now, I'm going to do two of my words very carefully here.

As Attorney General Pam Bondi was, and I don't say this often.

Terrible.

It is a shame when somebody gets fired.

But we should all get.

We should all be glad that that freckle chested dragon

lady is gone.

Yeah.

And not to mention Kristi Noem,

whose husband looks like he's starring in Big Mama House for.

Look.

The whole thing is a sham mockery.

Fellas, I have a surprising development

since Charles has been talking politics.

The FCC has demanded that we give equal time.

So here to defend herself is former attorney

General Pam Bondi.

Hello, gentlemen.

Whoa whoa whoa.

So great to be here at the final four years of this country.

Ma'am, what are you doing here?

I'm sorry, Charles,

but I can't let the lies you said about me go unanswered.

The truth is, I was amazing at my job.

And I am proud to say I made history

as the first woman ever to be fired as attorney general.

I shattered that glass exit door.

Know.

Pam, I'm so sorry.

I just don't.

My God, I miss it already.

I miss it already.

And they threw my

headshot in the trash like it was the Epstein files.

Come on. What am I gonna do?

I'm sure you're going to have other opportunities.

Yeah, you could work in sports.

I mean, you already look like a women's basketball coach

who got suspended for pulling on a player's brain.

You think so?

Yeah.

That's so nice.

Oh, it's so nice.

Yeah, yeah. No problem.

Hey, Ernie, can I say something real quick?

Sure.

Now I'm going to choose my words, very carefully here.

Live from New York on Saturday night.

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

MUSICAL GUEST JACK WHITE.

AND YOUR HOST, JACK BLACK.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- JACK

BLACK!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Ooh! Oh my God.

Thank you.

Thank you. Oh.

Thank you. I am so thrilled to be back

hosting SNL for the fifth time. Oh!

Come on.

It's a huge honor to join the Five Timers Club.

I'm a five timer.

Oh. Why?

It's not you here. Jonah Hill.

Oh, my God, buddy.

This is so nice and velvety.

It is so good to see you.

What have you been up to, man?

Well, I've actually been working on Superbad two. What?

Really? No, I just really like the sound of applause.

Good to know.

So, are you going to take me to that kick ass lounge?

Yes. But, Jack, we need your help.

There's something wrong with the Five Timers Club.

What? No. Let's go.

Three. Two.

One and go.

No! Do you see what I mean? Yes. You're right.

It feels like there's evil lurking around every corner.

Scary goblin.

No, no, it's just me.

Oh, it's just.

It's just.

It's just me. It's just regular Tina Fey.

I wanted to congratulate you on a historic night.

You're officially the first black in the Five Timers club.

Tina, what's become of this once glorious place?

You know, it's seen better days.

What started off as a one off

joke in a Tom Hanks

monologue has been brought back so many times,

it is literally been run into the ground.

For example, and this is true.

This is my fifth five Timers Club sketch. Wow.

A double five timer.

Is that why you're wearing that special jacket?

Oh, no. This is actually my first timer's jacket

from SNL, UK. Wow.

I, I think it's

made out of Paddington.

You know,

I spent a night with Paddington in 76 and Candice Bergen.

You saucy minx.

Yeah.

Let's just say we found something that he likes

way more than marmalade. Candice.

What a bitch can█t party.

Speaking of party.

There's always home.

Party!

No where I can just get a drink.

I can't find one.

Melissa, you're telling me

there's no booze in the Five Timers lounge?

Yeah. That's right.

Oh, they've got all these warm cans of John Mulaney's beer.

Those are nonalcoholic, though, right?

Not if you fill them with vodka. Oh.

Yeah.

You know, desperate times call for desperate measures.

Did someone say desperate measures?

So, Domingo, you're in here.

Have you been on the show five times?

Yes. If you count this one.

No. Hey, Jack came all this way.

Had to explain that my name is.

Don't you? Oh.

No. No cast members allowed.

Well, it's my hero, Professor Snape.

That is not Professor Snape. It's five time musical guest.

And my partner tonight, Jack white.

Thank you.

But, unfortunately, I have to be going.

Why so soon?

Well, the five time musical guests

only get their parking validated for 15 minutes.

So, I have to move my hearse.

Enough is enough. It's time to fix this place.

The only way I know how.

With the power of rock.

Tina might be.

Candice! Let's go.

>> OKAY.

♪ I'M BACK HOSTING

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

FOR THE FIFTH TIME ♪

♪ AND IF I DON'T CRUSH IT

IT WOULD BE A CRIME ♪

♪ EVERYTHING ABOUT THE

LOUNGE IS BROKEN AND WRONG ♪

♪ BUT I'M GONNA FIX IT

BY SINGING THE WORLD'S

MOST ROCKIN' SONG ♪

♪ RING-DIGA-DING-DING

DING DING DING

RING-DIGA-DING-DING

DING DING DING DING DING ♪

[ "SEVEN NATION ARMY" RIFF ]

>> JACK WHITE, GET BACK OUT

HERE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

>> NOW GIVE ME A CHOIR OF

MARCHING WIZARDS.

♪ OHH OH OH OH OH OH OH ♪

♪ OHH OH OH OH OH OH OH ♪

♪ I'M GONNA MAKE IT RIGHT

THE FIVE-TIMERS ARMY

GONNA LIFT THE CURSE ♪

♪ WE GOT JACK BLACK

AND WHITE ♪

♪ HE'S SHREDDING ON HIS AXE

WHILE I SING THE

NEXT VERSE ♪

♪ WE GOT MELISSA,

CANDICE BERGEN, JONAH HILL

AND BRITISH TINA FEY ♪

♪ IT'S MY NIGHTMARE

BLUNT ROTATION

AND I THINK IT'S GONNA

SAVE THE DAY ♪

♪♪

♪ AND WHEN I PUT

THIS JACKET ON

YOU KNOW I FEEL LIKE

I AM READY TO HOST ♪

♪ OHH OH OH OH OH OH OH

OHH OH OH OH OH OH

OH OH OH ♪

♪ OHH OH OH OH OH OH OH

OH OH OH ♪

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS

REALLY HAPPENING.

I THINK I'M IN HEAVEN.

AM I IN HEAVEN?

YOU GUYS, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WE HAVE GOT A GREAT SHOW

TONIGHT.

JACK BLACK IS HERE.

JACK WHITE IS HERE

OH OH OH ♪

JUST STICK AROUND AND WE'LL BE

RIGHT BACK!

I just came from the gym.

That's why I'm a little out of breath.

All right, gang, what's everyone digging into for lunch today?

Turkey. Chicken salad.

I got a tofu wrapped tofu. Yeah. I'm trying, vegan again.

Cut it tomorrow with a burger. With a burger? Oh, yeah. So.

I love that.

We talking lunch?

What?

I'm doing homemade nachos.

God. Cathy's here.

I didn't even see her come in. Do we invite her over?

Oh, no. No. We cannot.

I wish there was another way to say this, but I hate her.

Me too. She's the worst.

Y'all ever heard of these things?

Nachos? Yes, we've heard of nachos.

Okay, Cathy, enjoy your lunch.

Oh, I will. Brought these from home.

I'd share with you, but I crushed up

some of my pills into the beans.

Got to trick myself like a dog.

Otherwise I won't take my birth control.

Don't worry, it's not TMI. It's not for sex.

It's for acne.

Wait issues, uterine growth, excess hair,

overall mood issues, dry mouth, and yes, sex, I wish.

Hey, who said that? I did. Quiet!

Don't yell at her.

Guys, guys, let's just ignore her and talk amongst ourselves.

Good idea. Yeah. Yeah.

Did you guys get the Windows Update on your desktop today?

Yeah I did. Yeah. Like how?

Oh, I have work to do.

We talking tech.

Oh my God.

Just take.

We talking tech.

I feel bad. Don't.

You gave her an inch. She'll take a while.

We talk in tech.

Yes, Cathy, we're talking tech. No. What? I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, speaking of tech, got myself a new phone.

It's called a grasshopper. It's only 599.

I get to call my mom and the cops.

You don't even have to charge the damn thing. It's disposable.

You make a couple calls, you throw it away.

That's very cool, Kathy.

Oh, I'm addicted to this thing. Y'all play numbers.

What is numbers?

It's the number one game on grasshopper.

Right now. You just sift through the numbers.

They got a mall.

They got one, two, three, four.

They got five, six, seven.

I don't think they have a oh, God, they have eight,

but I don't think they have. Oh my God, they have nine.

Oh wow. Oh they got shut up. Coffee

too. Right.

Dude, you cannot yell like that, man.

You have to go ahead.

Wait, wait. No. Don't quit. Not quit.

Then promise me that next time she tries to put in this thing.

I think the goalkeeper can just get that in and she will stop.

Don't you promise? Okay. We promise. Thank you.

Now, can we finally talk about survivor? Yes.

Good game. We talking TV?

We talking TV.

Don█t Say a word.

We talk TV.

Stress sickness.

Still.

We talking TV.

The plan.

Do what we promised.

We talking TV.

Just take my hand.

We talking TV.

Just stay strong with me.

We talking TV.

She doesn't exist.

We talking TV.

I feel like this is worse than just talking to her.

We talking TV.

I promise you it is not

We talking TV.

We're almost there, guys.

I'm not going to make it.

We talking TV show.

Can't go on forever.

We talking TV.

She█s getting tired. I can hear it in her voice.

We talking TV.

I swear she'll do one more match and then she is done.

We talking TV?

That is the last one.

we talking TV.

Are you back on tech? No TV?

Oh, come on.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪ I JUST CAN'T FORGET

THAT TIME LAST YEAR

AT THE END OF PAPPY'S LIFE ♪

♪ WE GATHERED ROUND

HIS HOSPITAL BED ♪

♪ AND WHEN HE CRACKED A JOKE

I TRIED TO CHOKE BACK

A FRESH NEW ROUND OF TEARS ♪

♪ BUT I'LL NEVER FORGET

THE NEXT THING

THAT HE SAID ♪

♪ HE PULLED ME DOWN

SO I COULD HEAR

I CUPPED MY FINGER

TO MY EAR ♪

♪ HE SAID, SON THE ONLY

THING YOU GOTTA KNOW

ABOUT LIFE IS THIS ♪

♪ AND HE SAID

WAIT, WHAT WAS IT

IT WAS SORTA LIKE

IT'S KINDA LIKE ♪

♪ DANG IT, WHAT WAS IT

IT WAS SOMETHING

REALLY COOL ♪

♪ SOMETHING SHORT AND SWEET

AND SUCCINCT AND FOLKSY

KIND OF SUMMED UP LIFE

REAL QUICK ♪

♪ GOD DAMN IT, GOD DAMN IT

GOD DAMN IT ♪

♪ WAS ON THE TIP OF MY

TONGUE BUT I FORGOT IT ♪

♪ LIKE SOMEONE HIT ME WITH

THE MEN IN BLACK THING

WHATEVER THAT'S CALLED ♪

♪♪

♪ I WAS CLIMBING A MOUNTAIN

IN TIBET

WHEN I FOUND A MYSTERIOUS

CAVE ♪

♪ AND I FELT A BENEVOLENT

FORCE PULLING ME INSIDE ♪

♪ AND ON A DAIS IN THE CAVE

THERE SAT A SAGE

WHO GAVE ME KNOWLEDGE

OF THE AGES PAST ♪

♪ AND I FELT INNER PEACE

AND I GOT DOWN ON

MY KNEES AND CRIED ♪

♪ I MADE IT HALFWAY DOWN

THE MOUNTAIN

ENLIGHTENED BY THE

WISE MAN'S WORDS ♪

♪ AND FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE

I'LL REMEMBER WHAT HE SAID

HE SAID ♪

[ TEXT DING ]

>> ALL RIGHT.

ANYWAY.

♪ HE SAID

WAIT, [ BLEEP ]

WHAT THE [ BLEEP ]

DID THE WISE MAN SAY ♪

♪ I GOT DISTRACTED

BY THE TEXT FROM

MY WIFE ABOUT

MY SISTER'S THING ♪

♪ HE SAID SOMETHING LIKE

LIFE IS LIKE A DUH DUH-DUH

BUT THE DUH DUH-DUH

WAS THE GOOD PART ♪

♪ I WAS IN THERE FOR

OVER 20 HOURS

HE WAS SAYING REALLY

COOL STUFF ♪

♪ I SHOULD HAVE

WRITTEN IT DOWN

MAYBE I CAN GO

BACK UP THERE ♪

♪ NO IT'S PRETTY FAR AWAY

GUESS I BETTER GO

TAKE A SHOWER ♪

♪ FOR MY SISTER'S

THING TONIGHT ♪

♪ MY WIFE WAS RIGHT

IT'S ON THE CALENDAR

THE GOOGLE CALENDAR ♪

♪♪

♪ WELL IT WASN'T EASY

SAYING BYE TO DAD

AND MY SON MUSTA

HEARD ME CRY ♪

♪ HE'S ONLY SIX YEARS OLD

BUT HE'S GOT PAPPY'S

TWINKLE IN HIS EYE ♪

♪ AND THE DARNDEST THING

YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE

CAME FROM THE

MOUTH OF A CHILD ♪

♪ HE SAID, DADDY, THERE'S

SOMETHING I WANT TO SAY ♪

♪ AND I SAID

SHUT UP

GONNA STOP YOU RIGHT THERE ♪

♪ WHAT THE [ BLEEP ]

DO KIDS EVEN KNOW

YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING ♪

♪ HALF OF THE TIME

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW

TO WIPE YOUR OWN BUTT ♪

♪ TALKIN' BOUT DAD

I KNOW A COOL SAYIN' ♪

♪ NO YOU DON'T

YOU MAYBE ONLY KNOW

THE NAMES OF LIKE 30

WEIRD POKEMON GUYS ♪

♪ AND LIKE ONE [ BLEEP ]

WAY TO DRAW A DOG ♪

>> JACK WHITE, HIT ‘EM WITH A

GUITAR SOLO.

♪♪

♪♪

>> WAIT, WAIT.

I FORGOT IT.

I FORGOT THE [ BLEEP ] SOLO.

♪ DANG IT, WHAT WAS IT

IT WAS SOMETHING

REALLY COOL ♪

♪ SOMETHING SHORT AND SWEET

AND SUCCINCT AND FOLKSY

KIND OF SUMMED UP LIFE

REAL QUICK ♪

♪ GOD DAMN IT, GOD DAMN IT

GOD DAMN IT ♪

♪ WAS ON THE TIP OF MY

TONGUE BUT I FORGOT IT ♪

♪ LIKE SOMEONE HIT ME WITH

THE MEN IN BLACK THING

WHATEVER THAT'S CALLED ♪

>> OH, I REMEMBER NOW!

THE NEURALYZER.

THAT'S WHAT THE MEN IN BLACK

THING WAS CALLED.

>> WE REMEMBERED!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

And I am excited for this self-defense class. Oh. Me too.

I'm here because I need to turn my skill into technique.

What do you mean?

I've won every fight I've ever been in with no technique.

I've just been spitting and pulling hair.

I feel like I need technique.

Well, it's 4 p.m., so the teacher should be walking

in any second through that door right there.

Why? Oh.

Yes. Rule number one of the Self-Defense force.

Always be ready for the surprise that has come from the place.

That was not the place

of the opposite of what you thought it might be.

Yes. And now, everyone tell me your name, your age,

and why you are here.

Okay. Paul, 33. I have skill, but I lack technique.

Welcome.

Melanie 28.

And I'd like to use my gun less. You going? Okay.

This is Fred. 35.

I got a real mouth on me.

Well, okay. Very good.

Now, let us begin with the most important part of our practice,

which is a stupid.

Allow us to demonstrate this.

Felonious attack me.

I thought stop, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it,

stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it!

Don't go to your house.

I cannot get to my class. I going back to my house.

I am.

Very good.

But there's no question to the class.

If your attacker ban you to the floor

and you cannot stop it, what do you do?

This could be wrong, but bite their balls.

That's correct.

When an attacker attack you, surprise you.

They use their arm momentum against the arm.

Okay. Redirect the attack

by turning it into a different activator.

Okay. Yeah. Pretty little girl. Attack me.

It's tough. Stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it!

And now we are golfing. We are going to.

You are going to fish. We like to go.

You like golfing? Perfect.

Go to your house. No, I got to do one also.

I think they are the weakest in the class. Attack me.

It's got to be me.

It's stupid.

Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it!

Fight! Breaking!

I'm sorry.

How is this supposed to help us defend ourselves?

Have you guys even fought? Yes. You big carrot.

Relax.

I have a far too many time.

I fought MMA in the UFC,

and I have fought and stabbed in my penis.

Well, if that makes you a fighter,

I must be the heavyweight champ.

All right. Okay, okay.

Is this class my favorite show?

Because this is ridiculousness.

Big carrot.

You don't believe in me.

Do me a favor. Get up here.

And I would like you to attempt to hit me in the. Oh my God.

Oh my God.

I think you got to do it.

Get out! Get away from me! Go to the car.

Go off! Get stabbed.

I have I have a question.

Like, what if the attacker attacks you with a knife?

I am afraid there is nothing you can do but die.

Go to sleep.

If this happened.

But if they come at you slowly,

you can use the power of suggestion

to get them to do something else.

Okay? You beautiful boy! Attack me! Oh, okay.

Hey! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it!

In an amazing phrase, the doctor said I would never sing again.

Okay. I'm leaving.

This class is B and in many ways s okay.

You improve.

This class works for our final lesson,

we're gonna bring out the guest.

This is the toughest,

strongest, most badass student we ever trained.

Please welcome Bone Crusher.

Hello.

I'm here to f you bitches up. Okay.

Very good. Now, my pupils share what you have learned.

A duck, It's. Stop it, stop it, stop it and stop it. Titanic.

Okay, please tell me there's a caterpillar in your pocket.

Well.

Lucky guess.

Oh. Class dismissed

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> THANKS FOR COMING OVER,

GALS.

>> YEAH!

>> JEANNIE, I SEE WHY YOU WANTED

TO REDO YOUR KITCHEN, IT'S SO

DATED.

WHEN DOES THE RENOVATION START?

>> OH, WE DID IT LAST MONTH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> AND IT'S AMAZING.

>> WELL, I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE

WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS ALL THESE

YEARS AND OUR HUSBANDS NEVER

MET.

>> YEAH, DO YOU THINK THEY'RE

OKAY IN THE DEN, HANGING OUT

WITHOUT US?

>> OH, THEY'RE FINE.

THEY'RE BIG BOYS.

I'M SURE THEY'RE FINDING

SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> SO -- UM --

>> YEAH.

>> I -- UM -- NO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> AH -- RIGHT.

>> WELL, TODAY I -- BLEH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YOU KNOW, I LIKE -- UM -- I

DON'T KNOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> SAME.

>> YEAH.

>> YEAH.

♪ CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SON ♪

>> HUH.

♪ THERE WILL BE PEACE WHEN YOU

ARE DONE ♪

>> HUH.

♪ LAY YOUR WEARY HEAD TO REST ♪

♪ DON'T YOU CRY NO MORE ♪

HA!

♪♪

♪♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> MAYBE I SHOULD GO CHECK ON

THEM.

>> I JUST HOPE THEY'RE NOT

TALKING POLITICS.

>> YEAH, THE LAST THING WE NEED

IS THEM IN THERE YELLING AT EACH

OTHER.

♪ ONCE I ROSE ABOVE THE NOISE

AND CONFUSION ♪

♪ JUST TO GET A GLIMPSE BEYOND

THIS ILLUSION ♪

♪ I WAS SOARING EVER HIGHER BUT

I FLEW TOO HIGH ♪

♪ THOUGH MY EYES CAN SEE I STILL

WAS A BLIND MAN ♪

♪ THOUGH MY MIND COULD THINK I

STILL WAS A MADMAN ♪

♪ I HEAR THE VOICES WHEN I'M

DREAMING ♪

♪ I CAN HEAR THEM SAY ♪

>> IT'S JUST SO GOOD WE'RE DOING

THIS.

RANDY HAS NO MALE FRIENDS.

NO FRIENDS OF ANY KIND,

ACTUALLY.

♪ CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SON ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪ THERE'LL BE PEACE WHEN YOU ARE

DONE ♪

♪ LAY YOUR WEARY HEAD TO REST ♪

♪ DON'T YOU CRY NO MORE ♪

HA!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> WOW.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE ALL KNOW THIS

SONG.

>> I ACTUALLY DON'T, BUT MY

MOUTH SEEMS TO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WE DON'T THINK THEY'RE UP TO

NO GOOD, DO WE?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

IF YOU LEAVE GUYS ALONE TOO

LONG, IT USUALLY TURNS INTO

TROUBLE.

>> WELL, NOW I'M WORRIED.

♪ ON A STORMY SEA OF MOVING

EMOTION ♪

♪ TOSSED ABOUT LIKE A SHIP ON

THE OCEAN ♪

♪ I SET A COURSE FOR WINDS OF

FORTUNE BUT I HEAR THE VOICES

SAY ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> SORRY.

ARE THEY SINGING?

>> I WILL GIVE YOU $1 MILLION IF

MY HUSBAND IS SINGING.

>> OKAY, WE KNOW YOU'RE RICH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I JUST MEANT HE DOESN'T HAVE

A MUSICAL BONE IN HIS BODY.

♪ CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SON

THERE'LL BE PEACE WHEN YOU ARE

DONE ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪ LAY YOUR WEARY HEAD TO REST

DON'T YOU CRY NO MORE ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> OKAY, ARE YOU GUYS -- WHAT?

>> WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> MY GOD.

>> WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?

ARE YOU GUYS SINGING AND

DANCING?

>> DID YOU ALL WEAR ROCK 'N'

ROLL JUMPSUITS IN CASE THIS

HAPPENED?

>> NO!

>> MAYBE!

>> WHY ARE YOU IN YOUR

UNDERWEAR?

>> I GOT EXCITED, AND I PULLED

TOO HARD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS

JUST THE CRAZIEST THING I'VE

EVER SEEN.

>> IS IT?

♪♪

♪♪

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JACK

WHITE!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ LOOKS LIKE YOU STARTED

SOMETHING THAT YOU

CANNOT FINISH ♪

♪ YEAH YOU STARTED

SOMETHING THAT YOU

CANNOT FINISH ♪

♪ LOOKS LIKE YOU NEED TO

BUY SOME MORE TIME

I THINK YOU NEED

A COUPLE MORE MINUTES ♪

♪ WELL, I CAME TO YA

ON THE BACK OF A

TWISTER STORM ♪

♪ I CAME TO YA

ON THE BACK OF A

TWISTER STORM ♪

♪ YOU KNOW I GOT SOMETHING

UP MY SLEEVE

I GUESS YOU'LL HAVE TO

TRY TO TWIST MY ARM ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ I GOT A BRAND NEW TRUCK

THREE TONE, CUSTOM MADE ♪

♪ I GOT A BRAND NEW TRUCK

THREE TONE, CUSTOM MADE ♪

♪ AND I THINK THAT'S

KIND OF FUNNY

FOR A MAN WHO NEVER

MADE THE GRADE ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ I DON'T START NOTHING ♪

♪ NOTHING THAT I

CANNOT FINISH

YEAH ♪

♪ I DON'T START NOTHING

NOTHING THAT I

CANNOT FINISH ♪

♪ OH BUT WHAT I DO

AND HOW I DO

AND WHY I DO IT ♪

♪ IT'S ALL NONE OF

YOUR BUSINESS ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.

President Trump addressed the nation

about the war with Iran and threatened to, quote,

bring them back to the Stone age where they belong.

And in the spirit of Easter, let me just say, Jesus Christ.

President Trump's speech on the war in Iran

interrupted the finale of The Masked Singer.

And it's really too bad, because Trump

would have found out that cat,

which was revealed to be the new Ayatollah.

In his speech, President Trump referred to the war in Iran

as the little journey

because little journeys are all anyone can afford to take. Now.

President Trump said in his speech

that the Strait of Hormuz would open up naturally,

but if it doesn't,

the Marines will deploy a little bit of spit.

On. This.

This week.

This week, Attorney General Pam Bondi

was asked to redact herself from her job.

President Trump reportedly fired Bondi

over her handling of the Epstein files

because the only person Trump has ever trusted

to handle the Epstein situation is a prison guard.

With the cameras off.

Also.

Also, I kind of understand.

I mean, if I was Trump, I'd be mad too.

If someone took a Sharpie

and drew all over my favorite memories.

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth,

seen here demoting a black general,

said this week, said this week that an airman told him

the only thing they need in Iran is bigger bombs.

Got you covered.

How about Kristi Noem, husband?

J.D. Vance J.D.

Vance is releasing a book about his conversion to Catholicism.

The Catholic Church is calling it somehow

the worst publicity we've ever had.

After reaching orbit, Artemis two astronaut

Victor Glover sent a message back to Earth saying, trust us.

You look amazing. You look beautiful. Yeah.

Leave it to the black astronaut to catcall the entire planet.

According.

According to reports, Iranian hackers are launching

sophisticated cyberattacks

on hospitals and health care organizations.

But the joke's on them.

Because our health care system

is so busted that nobody noticed.

President Trump posted plans for his presidential library

in Miami,

which would be a massive golden skyscraper

with a golden escalator and a golden statue of Trump.

As predicted in the Book of Revelation.

President Trump attended

the opening night of Chicago at the Kennedy Center,

and I think that's cool

that the president is going to the theater.

I mean, what's the worst that can happen?

Oh, really?

A top

FEMA official revealed in an interview

that he once mysteriously teleported to a waffle House

50 miles away,

which is a phenomenon better known as drunk driving.

It was reported that the husband of former DHS Secretary

Christie, known,

has been chatting with women online

while wearing gigantic inflatable boobs

as part of a bimbo fetish.

Here to comment is Kristi Noem husband.

Hello everyone.

Hello, Michael.

Hey, man,

what?

What?

Yeah.

Hey hey hey hey hey hey. Yeah. Hey, Michael. How are you?

My eyes are up here.

My nipples are out here.

Yeah.

Something on your mind, bud?

Care to share? I didn't say anything.

Good.

Good, good.

Because I dare you all.

I dare you all to find one thing

that's comical about this whole situation.

I dare it, I dare you, I dare you to make a joke about my big,

beautiful balloon breasts.

I dare you. Michael. Hey.

Hey, Michael.

And dare you to kink shame me on national

TV about my insane clown.

Juggalos and tiny teeny little pink bike shorts.

I'm not mad. I got nothing to say.

God, that's all also about you audience, Anything to say?

Anything? Yeah. Come. Be quiet.

Got anything to say?

Liberal.

New York, about a conservative man's bold.

Exactly, I thought so.

Hey, cue cards and cue card, guys.

You have anything to say about my bimbo business?

Exactly.

I thought so, and Lorne, Lorne Michaels.

Care to comment on my big Chumbawamba?

What about my wife, Kristi Noem?

Anything to add about my sweater? Puppies.

Did someone say puppies?

Right. Oh, right.

I wonder if the dog Christy shot has anything to say. Oh.

Good boy.

And you, la roach.

Mama, you need to snatch that waist in

and turn them things out. Shoulders back. Bussy forward.

Because you thought you ate.

But you are RCMP, not the one hunty.

Oh, I knew Colin.

You got a little smile all over your face.

Got a little grin.

Want to say anything about my Party City poppers?

No. Absolutely not.

I don't want to say anything, but if I did,

it would probably be something like, no, no, no no no no.

Great work.

Awesome. Just awesome.

I hope you're all enjoying yourselves here in ma'am Danny's

New York.

Listen, look, look, this this whole thing is

just fun for us because your wife is so awful.

Oh, I know right?

Hey, Che

Want a touch em?

You know, I wanna touch.

Oh, a real move.

Kristin Neom█s husband.

Anyone want one?

Candy maker Reese's announced

that after complaints from its founders grandson,

it will return to using chocolate

instead of a chocolate compound coating.

Not to be outdone, the grandson of the peeps

founder wants to go back to real skin.

New Jersey officials are warning residents to secure

garbage cans as black bears

come out of hibernation looking for food.

New Jersey.

No one steals our precious garbage,

Tiger woods was arrested for a DUI

after a rollover crash in Florida.

Tiger said he was disappointed in himself

because he just missed the green.

The women's college basketball title game

will be held tomorrow between UCLA and South Carolina.

And no matter who wins, I hope that every one of those

amazing athletes find a good husband.

Wins the show.

Is it tomorrow? Tomorrow we go.

Pizza Hut and Canada is celebrating

the start of baseball season

with a new hot dog stuffed crust pizza.

Hey, Canada!

Our culture is not your costume.

Sugar, the first dog inducted into the Surfers

Hall of Fame, has died at the age of 16.

Sugar was known for her famous catchphrase, oh!

She didn't like surf.

Today, in case you didn't know, is National

Love Our Children Day, which is traditionally

celebrated 500 yards away from school property.

Experts have found that strong glute muscles

can increase a person's lifespan,

but also drain her brothers bank account.

I am a fool and

archeologists have discovered 12,000 year old dice

that they believe Native Americans

use for gambling. The dig was funded

by the Institute of Harmful Stereotypes.

Scientists in Spain are saying that they have discovered

the male G-spot seen here.

Yeah.

Beautiful. Yeah, it's really beautiful.

The trailer

for the trailer for the upcoming HBO Harry Potter

series just dropped, giving a new spin

on the franchise's iconic characters.

Some fans are especially surprised this time

Professor Snape will be played by a black actor.

Here to comment is Professor Snape.

Good evening, Mr.

Jones. Well, hello Professor Snape.

Now play it all tied up.

It's called code switching.

Code him? Yes.

All right. Well, how is your year at Hogwarts?

Not great.

We got this new kid

who's name Harry Potter, and he's racist as hell.

Wait a second. Harry Potter is racist.

Yes. Harry Potter or the Proud Boys

who lived, spent the whole year telling everybody

that the school's only black teacher was secretly evil.

I think he's just worried because he knows someone's

trying to steal the Sorcerer's Stone.

So somebody stole something.

And the number one suspect is Black Snape.

He didn't even look in the direction of the white guy.

The turban.

So the picture, he's got Wizard hidden on the back of his head.

I'm really sorry that

you just jump to conclusions like that, you know? All good.

It happens all the time.

I saw the Hogwarts,

and the first day they looked at me and said.

You're the professor of the dark arts.

That's not. That's not great.

You telling me I never even study that?

I majored in African Muggle Studies.

Look, the whole wizarding world is racist.

There's one other black guy, Kingsley Shackle.

Both a name, I'm guessing to get out of

the Wu-Tang name generator.

Yeah, but look, Kingsley is

an important member of the order of the Phoenix.

Okay, the way he looked like this.

Everyone gets to wear these dignified robes,

but it just seems like he said cocoa butter

incense outside of a barbershop.

I don't know, it's kind of a cool outfit, right?

Yeah, for a Haitian cabdriver.

And why they got to put shackle in his name?

That's crazy, man.

Shaquille.

Chuckle.

All right. Yes.

Well, for the very first time, I'm

starting to think that JK Rowling might be problematic.

Okay, but the old ways, in a way, I just messed up.

We have magic, we have wands that can do anything.

And people in my world still have slaves.

Well, they're called house elves. Yes, I got house ill.

I bet you didn't know they got field elves to.

They didn't put that in the book.

Long calling.

They didn't.

And I would know because I've read every

Harry Potter book hundreds of times. Nerd.

But I do have one final thing I'd like to say to Harry Potter.

To Harry Potter? What's that? What?

I'm with thick as hell, though.

I miss her so much.

Black Snape. Everyone who can't come back.

For Weekend Update, I'm Colin Jost.

I'm Michael Che, Goodnight!

Spartans.

Oh! Oh. Oh.

Nice.

Today we march through the hot gates

to face the full marks of the Persian Empire.

However, the oracle decrees

that I may only take 300 of you with me.

And unfortunately, there are 301 Spartans here.

Which means one of you will have to stay back.

Sucks for that guy.

This is going to be such a big, important battle.

Everything on the line. Awesome. Quick question.

Is anyone else having an issue with their chest piece?

I think mine maybe I got a woman small.

They don't make armor for women.

Ooh! Sexist. Spartans, please.

A billion warriors from the Persian Empire descend upon us.

It is said their arrows will blot out the sun.

Then we will fight in the shade.

Did you just come up with that?

Yeah. So good man.

So good.

So what? You chiseled that down?

God, I want to try one.

I think I'm going to be good at it.

Leon, can you set me up and I'll do a good line?

Fine. If it moves this alarm, it is, sir.

The Persian army has so many archers,

the arrows will blot out the sun. Good.

Because my family's got a history of skin cancer.

That's bad.

Can you. Okay, let's just move on.

As I said, there's 301 Spartans here.

So now I will choose the 300 who will be joining me?

Let's start with Lysander.

Good pack, good pack. He's a beast. That makes sense.

Do you?

I get that. I get that. He said the good line.

You got to reward that. So we got the brain.

We got the brawn. Now to the personality. Hyah!

Absolutely. And this one's a no brainer.

Ajax.

Ooh! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha! Hilarious.

Let's keep going.

Okay.

All right. Down to the last two.

This is really tough. How,

do I go with my brain? Do I go with my heart?

Because, honestly, the most saying the same thing.

It's tiny, tinios in your face. Bitch.

Thank you.

It's cool.

I'm really sorry. Got to go. Totally. Thank you for that.

Can I just ask why I wasn't chosen?

And don't hold back. I want to know so I can improve.

Okay. Well, you're too short, Too slow.

Oh. That's athletic. Fine.

You're a coward.

You stop.

You run. Weird, I hate you. You smell weird.

That's fair.

And then finally, you keep saying

you have a heart out at five.

Dinner is when dinner is. Well, we should be going.

Spartans! To our glorious death.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Nice.

Well, looks like it's just me and all the women of Sparta.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, JACK WHITE!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ WELCOME TO THE

GARDEN OF EDEN

NOBODY HERE

BUT ME AND YOU ♪

♪ SO WHAT WE GONNA BE EATING

MICROPHONE CHECK

ONE-TWO, ONE-TWO ♪

♪ LOOKS LIKE WE GOT A

LITTLE PLACE TO DO THE

THINGS WE NEED TO DO NOW

AND IT'LL SOUND LIKE THIS ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ WELCOME TO THE END

OF THE WORLD ♪

♪ NOBODY LEFT BUT ONE BOY

AND ONE GIRL

AND ONE OTHER

BUT YOU KNOW ♪

♪ WE CAN'T LIVE LIKE

A SISTER AND A BROTHER

THEY'RE GONNA MAKE YOU

A MOTHER NOW ♪

♪♪

♪ THE FIRST OF THE RIVERS

IS CALLED RIVER ROUGE ♪

♪ AND THE THIRD OF

THE RIVERS IS CALLED

THE STRAIT ♪

♪ AND I GOTTA GET UP

GOTTA GET OUT ♪

♪ GOTTA FIND A WAY TO EAT

THE FRUIT FROM THE

TREE OF FATE ♪

♪ I BET IT TASTES

LIKE THIS ♪

♪♪

♪ AND DO WE EXIST

AND DO WE EVEN KNOW

ALL THE LITTLE THINGS LIKE ♪

♪ WHERE WE CAME FROM

OR WHERE WE'RE GONNA GO

AND I FOR ONE AM

ONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW BUT ♪

♪ SO WHAT, WHAT'S UP

JOIN THE CLUB NOW

IF YOU CAN ♪

♪ JOHNNY BEGOT SAM

POLLY BEGOT PAM

TELL ME NOW, DO WE GOT FAM ♪

♪ ONE BY ONE

EVERYONE MOVING ON

WITH THE PLAN ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ WATCH ME WALK

THEN I STROLL

AND IT'S YOUR

TELEPHONE TALK ♪

♪ THEN YOU SCROLL AND IT'S

WATCH ME ROCK

THEN I ROLL BABY ♪

♪ AND IT'S LET ME OUT

LET ME OUT

LET ME SHOUT, WOO ♪

♪ RIGHT FROM MY SOUL

WITH SALT AND COAL, AH

NOW LISTEN TO ME

ROLL WITH IT ♪

♪♪

♪ RING THAT BELL

THEN RING YOUR NECK ♪

♪ WRITE YOURSELF A

DIME NOVEL AND THEN

WRITE YOURSELF A CHECK ♪

♪ SEND YOURSELF TO HELL

IN A HAND BASKET

NOW WHAT THE HECK ♪

♪ I'M A PENNY DREADFUL AND

A FROZEN CHARLOTTE ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ YEAH

WELL IT'S THE BEGINNING

OF THE WORLD NOW

AND THERE'S NOBODY LEFT ♪

♪ BUT ONE BOY AND

ONE GIRL NOW

LET'S START AGAIN

LET'S DO IT AGAIN NOW ♪

♪ LET'S START AGAIN

LET'S DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN ♪

♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> ALL RIGHT, WE'RE IN!

LET SPRING BREAK BEGIN!

>> WHOO!

>> SPRING BREAK!

>> OH MY GOSH, THIS AIRBNB IS

MASSIVE.

>> YEAH, EVEN THE CLOSET, IT'S

HUGE.

>> KNOCK-KNOCK!

IT'S BOB, YOUR AIRBNB SUPER HOST

JUST POPPING IN TO SAY HI WITH

SOME HOMEMADE CROISSANTS.

>> OH, WOW!

>> NO WONDER YOU'RE A SUPER

HOST!

>> I'LL LEAVE YOU TO IT.

>> AWESOME, YEAH, THANK YOU SO

MUCH, MAN.

THAT FRICKIN' ROCKS.

>> THAT'S MY MIDDLE NAME.

HAVE A GREAT, GREAT TIME.

GREAT TO SEE YOU.

AND PEACE AND LOVE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OKAY, WHO'S HUNGRY?

BECAUSE -- WAIT.

DID HE JUST WALK INTO THE

CLOSET?

>> NO.

>> YES.

YEAH, THAT WAS A CLOSET.

I THINK HE JUST --

>> REALLY?

>> WHY IS HE IN THE CLOSET?

>> DO SOMETHING.

>> GO.

>> ALL RIGHT, OKAY.

BOB?

BOB?

>> YEAH?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> HEY!

>> HEY.

WE'RE JUST WONDERING IF MAYBE

YOU WERE STANDING IN THE ENCLOSE

IS SET.

>> OH, MY GOD.

BRAIN FART.

I REMODELED BACK IN '02.

NOW I'M ALWAYS LIKE, WHERE THE

HECK AM I?

NOT IN THE CLOSET TRYING TO GET

A SENSE OF WHAT IT'S LIKE TO

HANG OUT WITH A COOL GROUP OF

YOUNG FOLKS JUST LIVING UP AND

DOING THE EPIC RIFFS.

♪♪

>> YEAH, BOB, I THINK WE'D LIKE

SOME PRIVACY.

>> NO PROBLEMO, I WILL GET OUT

OF YOUR HAIR.

TA-TA FOR NOW!

AND I'M GONE.

>> BOB?

BOB?

>> WAZZUP!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> PLEASE GET OUT OF THERE, MAN.

>> SORRY.

I THOUGHT THIS WAS MY CAR.

>> THAT CAN'T BE TRUE.

>> NO, IT'S NOT.

MY CAR IS RED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> BOB, CAN YOU GET OUT?

>> TOTALLY, TOTALLY, TOTALLY.

LOUD AND CLEAR.

BABE, WE'RE LEAVING.

>> BABE?

>> WAZZUM!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> WHAT THE HELL.

WHO IS THIS PERSON?

IS THAT YOUR WIFE?

>> NO.

>> NO!

SINCE HIS WIFE PASSED AWAY,

WE'VE BEEN FEELING THINGS OUT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

TWICE, ONE INSIDE, ONE OUTSIDE,

BOTH TERRIBLE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WE'RE IN PERSON BUT NOT

POSTING ABOUT IT.

>> ANYBODY CAN'T TO GET

CHOCOLATE MUSHROOMS AND JUST --

>> WE DON'T WANT TO DO -- YOU

TWO NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE,

OKAY?

RIGHT NOW, OR EAR CANCELING THE

RESERVATION.

>> FINE, WE DON'T EVEN WANT TO

HANG OUT WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE

RUDE DUDES WITH BAD TUDES.

>> I'M GOING TO MOISTURIZE.

>> YOU'RE NOT GETTING NONE OF

THIS MOISTURE, EITHER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> THE HANDLE'S ALL SLIPPERY.

>> OH-OH, THE DOORKNOB IS

SLIPPERY?

GUYS, WE CAN'T GET OUT.

>> OH, COME ON, JUST TWIST IT.

>> MAYBE IT NOTES MORE JERGENS.

>> YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MUCH

JERGENS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> MAYBE WE NEED TO DOUBLE JER

GIVEN.

>> JERG IT UP.

>> BAD NEWS, GUYS.

I THINK THE JERGENS FROM HER

HAND TRANSFERRED ONTO THE KNOB.

OH, THANK YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> STOP.

STOP.

>> SLIPPERY.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> OH, GOD.

>> I CAN'T TELL WHOSE HANDS ARE

WHERE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> HAVE A BIT MORE JERG.

>> CAN YOU GUYS PLEASE JUST GET

OUT?

GET OUT.

>> WAIT A SECOND THERE MUST BE

SOME WAY OUT!

WE CAN'T GET OUT!

>> IT'S NOT FAIR.

>> NO, NO, NO!

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> NO, NO!

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> WHAT'S THAT?

>> STOP!

>> FINE, FINE.

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO -- STOP!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> STOP IT.

>> STOP!

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO HANG OUT,

YOU CAN STAY FOR 30 MINUTES

TOPS.

>> PARTY TIME!

>> NOW EVERYBODY SMILE FOR THE

CAMERAS.

>> CAMERAS?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> THANKS TO JACK WHITE, JONAH

HILL, TINA FEY, CANDICE BERGEN,

MELISSA MCCARTHY

THIS IS THE BEST SHOW IN THE WORLD. THANK YOU LORNE

THIS CAST & CREW ARE THE BEST

I LOVE YOU!