Original subtitles

Mmm.

We've got, uh, Bob Mortimer's joker coming up.

I am so delighted I am not in that room for this.

- Yeah. - We can just enjoy it.

- This could be a problem for people. - He could do anything.

- I fear him. - Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on stage Mr Graham Lister.

Not ready for this at all.

Fuck off.

My name is Graham Lister, ladies and gentlemen.

It's your privilege to be entertained by me this afternoon.

I know doctors, dentists, architects.

I recently parked in, uh, the same park-and-ride as an anaesthetist.

We're not fucking about here. Do you understand?

Oh, no. Don't own-goal it, Bob.

It's just lard.

You got a problem, son?

- You got a problem, son? - No. Absolutely not. No.

Yeah, you got a face like a Dalek's penis, if you don't mind me saying.

I'll have you know, my next-door neighbour, but one,

yeah, has access to agricultural poisons.

Behave yourself.

Ah.

I'd like to present for your entertainment an item that I'm calling Lard for Laughs.

I'll extract two laughs from lard

by forcing the lard through the face of Mr Jimmy Carr.

I feel weirdly honoured.

Do you have a problem, son?

No.

Maybe I do.

Oh, no.

I will force the lard through Jimmy Carr's face

whilst extending the pronunciation of the vowel A.

It's two laughs.

"Luh-ah-ruh-duh."

What?

"Luh-ah-ruh-duh."

Look at David.

"Luh-ah-ruh-duh."

Lard for Laughs, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, Mel's face.

Secondly for your entertainment,

I would like to tell you about a very unusual incident

that occurred at Costco in Croydon.

I was there with my, uh, pet seagull, Ruth,

shopping for apricots.

We wanted a big catering-size tin. Why wouldn't we?

Why wouldn't we want catering size? We love our apricots.

I've a keyboard behind here.

It's powered by success, represented by the trophy, obviously.

And, uh, nourishment, represented by the mango.

The mango. The mango.

David. David is going.

So, I was with Ruth at Costco to buy the, um, apricots,

and, uh, we had a hot dog each before entering the shop.

And then at the far end of the store, that was mango.

At the far end of the store,

we spotted a large catering tin of apricots on the top shelf.

Must've been 20 feet. Can you imagine?

Twenty feet high.

Let's have some music as I tell you what then occurred.

So, I clambered up on some crates of Sunny Delight

and some Warsaw Pact cases of powdered milk.

As I clambered up to the top shelf with Ruth on my shoulder,

I reached up to the tin of apricots, and sadly fell.

And this song illustrates what occurred during that fall.

Mangoes.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

No! No!

Do you get me?

Do you get me?

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you've been entertained.

Oh.

Shit.

- Tricky times, guys. - That was really difficult.

- Very, very tricky. - I think for me, the moment when, uh...

The frankfurter came out of the seagull's mouth.

- Yeah. - Coming out of the seagull's mouth.

That was very difficult.

Who was it?

Okay, there was definitely a laugh.

- Oh, no. - Okay. Who knows?

Someone's gone.

- Bob. - Bobbage.

- Bob. - Oh, yeah, man.

Hey, well, thanks for watching, guys.

- Flipping hell. - You are superb.

- Bob, that was a ruddy privilege. - Yeah.

Well, I mean, of course Bob took someone out.

Reigning champion and all.

Doors.

- Oh? - Oh.

Oh?

- It might be me, team. - Or be me.

Oh, my God. You're sitting down, like a human.

Relaxed Jimmy.

- That looked incredibly tough. - That was insane.

- It was tough. - Very difficult.

Is the card red or yellow?

Well, let's take a look.

Oh, my God, this is so tense.

I would like to tell you about a very unusual incident

that occurred at Costco in Croydon.

I was there with my, uh, pet seagull, Ruth.

Not Diane.

Okay. Oh.

- It's a red card. - I think that's a fair cop.

Oh, my God.

- I'm so sorry. You gotta come with me. - That's all right.

- Oh, my God. - It's fine.

- I can't cope. - Bye. Bye, everyone.

- See you, Diane. - Diane!

Well played, Diane.

Doors.

I mean, that was harsh.

- You did very well. - That was really hard.

I'm glad it was Bob that took me out though.

- Yeah, that felt pretty special. - It seems fair.

The seagull called Ruth, that's what did it.

Don't know why Ruth is a funny name for a seagull.

- It's Diane Morgan, everyone. - Ah!

You did so well!

- Well done! - Oh, my God. Well done.

She did laugh.

Oh, team, five of us left.

I had 20 quid on you to win.

- I thought you were just absolutely… - Ah.

Oh, well, my money's on Sam. Look at him. He's not laughed.

- He's unbreakable. - In fairness,

I don't think Sam understands a lot of what people are saying.

So, it's a red card for Diane, and she's out, like… what's the phrase?

Out like a hot dog from a seagull's mouth. Yeah, that's it.

You'll notice, uh, that Gbemi isn't here.

Gbemi isn't feeling well, so she's left the control room.

Oh, bless her.

I think, uh, suppressing laughter

is probably quite hazardous to one's health.

I mean, gutted that I missed the rest of the game,

but I am feeling much better now, so…

Let's restart the game.

Oh, here we go.

Okay.

- Maisie, who do you think is gonna win? - I think this is Sam's all day. All day.

I mean, Romesh is very, very good at this.

I think it's gonna be Mel.

I think 'cause Mel's laughing face is rock solid…

Yeah.

…she can attack, because then she just does that…

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.

Do you throw down? Do you get into the video games?

What's your relationship with that medium?

It's passed, but very strong at one point.

Do you remember when the Resident Evils came out?

I used to do all the Resident Evils.

I once came back from a gig, everybody was asleep in the house,

I started playing that, and then I got so freaked out I didn't even…

I was too scared to even switch the console off.

I just left the controller on the floor and I went to bed.

They're getting very comfortable with each other in there,

so I'm gonna send in the show's intimacy coordinators, Natasha and Eli.

- I used to, like… - Oh, my God. Bloody hell.

- Why have they made us come through this? - Did anyone else enter through a hatch?

- We've been there since 10:00 a.m. - There's a door over there.

- I'm sorry, but that's not okay. - Right.

- Can we all get up, please? - I'm sorry. I feel sick.

Could you gather round, please? Thank you. We're listening and we're focusing.

Thank you.

- We are intimacy coordinators, yeah. - …coordinators.

Okay? Do you know what that is?

So, intimacy coordinators, we're hired by the show

to come to very toxic work environments, a little bit like this.

We're here to make sure you're all feeling as safe and comfortable

and respected as possible,

'cause we all know the TV industry can be a little bit pervy.

Carry on as you were. We're just gonna be floating around,

and we're gonna pick you off one by one to have a little one-on-one,

just to see that you're all feeling okay.

No, this is bad, this is bad for me.

They're, like, two of the most talented character performers around.

- This is bad for me. - Romesh, you're leaving now,

but we're gonna start with you, my darling. You okay, my love?

I was in a lot of trouble.

I was saying to her when I came in, I'm a giggler.

- I giggle non-stop… - Yeah.

- …so I wouldn't last ten seconds in here. - No, no, she wouldn't.

But at the moment, I'm fine

because quite a few of my family members died last week.

Sorry to hear about your family.

Thank you so much. You're the first person that's said that.

Are you a child? Has he got his parent here?

They accused me of being a child,

even though I am certainly of age and have even been to nightclubs.

We weren't sure that you might not know what intimacy is.

Um, do you know what S-E-X is?

Yeah, I think I do, yeah.

Just to sort of let you know, so the scientific explanation is, um,

when one organ, one private organ welcomes the other one within it.

So, um, if it's a man and woman, the vagina welcomes the penis within it.

If it's two men, um, the one penis welcomes the other penis within it.

And if it's two women,

it's actually more of a pat amongst, less than a welcoming within.

You're both quite close, if you don't mind me saying.

- Is that okay? - That's okay, we want this to feel safe.

So, um, first things first, Romesh, and there are no wrong answers.

No, nothing to be ashamed of.

Question number one. Nice and simple. Would you consider yourself a pervert?

- Yeah, think about it. - Yeah.

- I don't wanna just answer straight away. - Yeah.

So, I would not consider myself a pervert, no.

Really? God, I had you down as one of the dangerous ones.

- Yeah. - Interesting, okay.

So, on a scale of one to ten, how aroused are you right now?

Like, two?

- Good. Good. Good. - That's good. That's a good answer.

How about if I do this?

- Is that everything you're doing? - Yeah.

- Still two I'd say. - Okay.

Is there any smutty or naughty language or words

you yourself would rather not hear or are offended by?

I don't like a lot of the, sort of, slang terms for female genitalia.

- Okay. That's good. - Okay. Well, actually, that's interesting

because innuendo is actually okay in the workplace.

It's a fun, safe way of expressing what you think without being too smutty.

So, for me, I like to describe my area as the mouth of a screaming seal.

Is he going?

Was that a laugh?

That was a cough.

Genuinely, you weren't covering a laugh with a cough?

- You have to be honest. - It was real. I'm honest.

And you could describe your area as, um, dunno, cheese baguette.

Wrinkled leather pipe.

Gentleman's factory.

Or dead snake.

Nasty little sword.

- But I'll leave you with that. Okay. - Thank you.

That was the closest I came to getting a card without getting one.

That was horrific.

Thank you.

- Sam, can we have you, please? - Can we have the child here?

- Are you okay, darling? - Hello.

That's a funny way of referring to him.

- I must say, I noticed that. - Child.

Yes. That amused me.

- Does your mum know you're here? - Yes.

- She does? Is she okay with that? - Yeah.

- Okay. - How have you been?

- Not good. - Not good.

I've been in that hatch since 10:30.

- You've been in the hatch the whole time? - Yeah.

- That's horrible. - It's been incredibly dry.

- They've treated us incredibly badly. - This industry is so barbaric.

Exactly, and that's why we're here.

You know, I just got asked to host Junior Naked Attraction.

- No, you can't do that. That's not okay. - No.

Oh, my God. He's gonna break them.

So, has anyone in the house smacked you?

Nothing like that has happened to me.

And, um, has Jimmy Carr touched you in any way?

He's touched me by staying on top for, what is it, 40 years in the business?

- I love that answer. That's touched me. - I love that.

- David? David and Mel? - David?

David and Mel, can we borrow you, please?

I like sofa chat.

Oh, I don't think Mel's gonna stand up well to this.

So, we've been observing from our little hatch

quite a lot of sexual tension between you two, am I wrong?

We thought because you're two both part of double acts

and you're without your other half, you've maybe been drawn to each other

- in a sexual way. - Yeah.

We have had sex three or four times.

- Oh. Okay. - Okay.

In the locker room.

- Was it a closed set? - Locker three.

We used Alan's sausage.

"We used Alan's sausage."

Don't drag me into it.

'Cause we know it can be a bit awkward to discuss sexual fantasies,

- um, what's your sexual fantasy? - I'd like to know.

Yeah. Um, okay.

I don't mind saying this in front of you two.

I don't mind not listening.

Older men, much, much older.

Um, the older the better, I'd say.

And I'm in a bowling alley,

and we're doing everything but, if you understand what that means.

- Mm-hmm. - And, um, when I climax,

- I shout, "Strike." Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

All right, everyone. Okay, we're just gonna wrap up now.

You've done really, really well.

I will say that studies show that one in three people are perverts,

so there is at least one or two of you in here, so good luck.

- Can I open up your hatch for you ladies? - Thank you so much.

If you wouldn't mind.

I think you came through here, didn't you?

Yeah. Thank you so much.

Lovely to see you.

Sam, come back.

David, can you do Geordie?

Absolutely not. That is like, no way.

Haway, give it a go.

Uh, haway, give it a go.

- Give it a proper... - I would love to come to Geordie with you.

- Give it a go. - Give it a proper go.

- Let's go down to Middlesbrough, Bob. - Aye.

You all right? You sound like you're speaking in tongues there, Mel.

Oh, no, I've lost it.

How are they gonna get these to laugh?

- I don't think that anyone's gonna go. - Yeah.

Okay, this might help. I've got a plan.

Mel, they got…

- Shit. - Oh, hello. It's a sofa job.

Bob, David, you're gonna go head-to-head in a special challenge.

Bob, you're gonna be David's career advisor.

You need to get to know him, find out his strengths and weaknesses,

and try and match him to the perfect job.

David, your life is in Bob's hands.

Please take your places on the stage.

Good luck, guys.

Come on, team. You've got this.

The game will start and end when the bell rings.

- You don't mind if I jump on that one? - Come on.

- Just to not… Sorry. - Come on, Sam.

How old are you, David?

I'm just 15.

You must be very nervous then, at that age.

I am, but I did okay in my GCSEs.

- Well, just relax. - Thank you.

Because I'm your friend, trying to...

Are you not a careers advisor?

- Yeah. But think of me as a friend. - Okay.

You're a stout lad.

Have you ever thought of, uh, working down the shit farm?

The shit farm?

- The sewage works. - Oh, I see.

- Yeah. - Because I'm so fat?

No, because you're stout.

You think I'd be good for the work of a sewage works?

Does it appeal to you in any way whatsoever?

I'd like to work in the creative industries, please.

I'm a careers officer, I know nothing of the creative industries.

Do you like digging? Have you ever buried mud?

No.

Is it something that interests you though?

How would you tell where the buried mud started

and the mud you're burying the mud in ended?

Exactly. It's a job that never ends. It's a job for life.

When you were young, did your mother or father said,

"What would you like to be when you grow up," what did you say?

I am young, and I said to them yesterday I want to work in the creative areas,

and they said, "Never mind that, go and see this careers advisor,

and try to think of him as a friend."

Would you like to design tight trousers?

- Yes, I would, actually. Yeah. - Ah.

Now we're getting somewhere, because, you know,

the uniforms down at the shit farm are getting increasingly tight.

Are they trying to make the shit farmers appear sexier?

A little bit sexier, a little bit futuristic.

But the job's the same, and it's a job for life.

So, I think this has been a great success. We'll send you down the shit farm.

Thank you very much.

I mean, a job at the shit farm.

The head-to-head with David,

just talking to David is quite intimidating.

And he pulled me up on the accusation that he was stocky.

He is stocky. Let's put that on record.

If he was in, like, a medieval army, he'd have been an archer.

A little stocky archer. He knows it.

Anyone for dessert? Something a bit sweet?

- What are you offering, Mel? - I've actually made something.

That's nice.

- I'll get some dessert. - Absolutely.

I'm really proud of my biscuits.

And actually, I'd forgotten about them, because you do.

You forget, oh, my God, I've still got something in the locker.

I thought I've gotta get these in subtly, and I think they did actually believe

'cause I just said, "Oh, anyone fancy something sweet?"

Drama school training, which I don't have. I failed to get into drama school.

Oh.

Just a little something.

This looks good.

- Little sweetie. - It's a nice tin.

They're vegan, there's no nuts or anything like that.

- How'd you know? - I'm gonna try one.

'Cause I made them.

- Are these yours? - Yeah.

- Thank you, Mel. - No worries, lovies.

- Wait, these are for real? - What do you mean?

- I was sure this was a trick. - You think so?

Davide?

Yeah, those are a bit hairier, aren't they?

- I'd sometimes... - Hairier?

Well, sometimes my biscuits can get a bit hairy.

What I'd done was three normals on the top,

then there's a greaseproof paper, and then we reveal the hairy biscuits.

Quite a lot of hair there.

What? Mel, why am I eating this?

That is matted.

Look, they're covered in hair.

Aw.

- This one doesn't look so bad. - No, that's quite hairy.

- What do you think? - Sorry, I think those are fine.

- I think this one's okay. - That batch was okay.

I can eat around it.

Rom, hair-free or whiff of a hair?

I get what you were doing with the hairy biscuits,

but then to actually offer people biscuits,

and then we start eating them, and underneath there's a hairy layer…

I didn't know about that. That batch had gone a bit wrong.

I thought Romesh was quite offended

by the fact that he'd eaten a biscuit that was adjacent to a hairy biscuit.

We'll never know where those hairs came from.

Did you know, Romesh, that Alan Sugar is actually 30% Canderel?

Bob, don't do this to me, man.

- Don't do this, man. - I'm, ju…

None of them are gonna go, are they?

Is Sam ever gonna do his joker?

He's not done his joker?

Okay, all right, all right.

Hello, Last One Laughing.

Uh, could you ask Sam to do his joker?

No problem, thank you.

Yes, yes, yes.

Sam, could you do your joker, please?

Hey, guys, get ready. You're about to see a show.

What the hell could it be?

He might just pull his teeth out through his arsehole.

While Sam's getting ready, I've got a little surprise.

- What does that mean? - I don't know.

Romesh, please go to the locker room

and open the utilities cupboard.

Hairy biscuit, Bob?

Do you want one of my hairy biscuits, or not?

I did quite like the look of 'em, actually.

Oh, hi, Romesh.

No, no, no, come back. Come back. Do…

"Can Romesh come to the utilities locker?"

And then I do that and then there's this Jimmy Carr glory-hole looking at me.

Look, your manager won't let me anywhere near you, but I g…

I wanna pitch you some ideas for shows.

Like, you know how you're always doing shows with your mum, right?

I just thought it would be cool if you did a show with my mum.

It's just you sort of travelling around with an urn.

I've got another great idea. Jimmy and Romesh's Cannon Fodder.

We travel around Britain, but everywhere we go, we're fired from a cannon.

What about Jimmy and Romesh's Naked Attraction?

We take off our clothes and see if we're attracted to each other.

Oh.

Fuck.

- Oh. Something's happened. - Hello, sailor. What's going on there?

- I think something happened in there. - What the frick?

- That was very intense and quick. - Yeah.

Maybe it all played out in that room.

What happened, Roms?

- I'm done. - What?

Ah, man.

Hello.

That was bullshit, man.

How was that bullshit? I just had some ideas for shows.

I mean, look. Can I be honest with you? I thought what happened to me was unfair.

There's jokers, there's head-to-heads.

Nowhere did it say Jimmy Carr will emerge as a surprise from a cupboard.

Let's have a look at the replay.

All right, All right, last idea, right? Jimmy and Romesh's Naked Attraction.

We take off our clothes and see if we're attracted to each other.

- That's mean. - Fuck.

That's really hard.

- That's really hard. - Oh, dear.

With the little face in the circle.

It was like a sniper. It was so out of order. Yeah.

Aw, man, Rom.

Come with me.

- See you, Rom. - Oh, Rom.

And then there were four.

- Bye, Mel. Take care. I'll see you soon. - Yeah, yeah. See you soon.

Love you, brother. Take care. Good luck.

- Doors. - Well done.

- Good luck. See ya. - Come on, Romesh.

- I fully concede that was a dick move. - It was a dick move.

I'm gonna say this genuinely. Jimmy Carr doesn't like me.

He's a prick. Put that in the trailer.

- Aw! - Well done.

Well done, Rom.

- Bang out of order. - God, so out of order.

Well, thank God Romesh laughed,

otherwise I would've been forced into phase two of the glory-hole item.

Okay, I think we're all in for a little treat.

- Okay, yes, this is Sam's joker, right? - Oh, my God, yes.

It's Sam's joker. Let's restart the game.

- Let's laugh, please. - I don't know if we're allowed to.

We're not now. We were.

Can't imagine what he's gonna do.

I think we could all have a hundred guesses and none of us would know.

We're off.

- All is well with the world. - Let's have a damn good laugh.

Oh, my God.

Here we go.

Oh, my lord.

Hello.

What is this?

Now listen here. Today's the day.

I've invited Father Percival round for a cup of tea

and I'm going to have to ask you to behave.

Father Percival, cup of tea.

Father Percival is a man of the cloth, an important man.

You're gonna have to keep your beak shut.

Remember last week, when I stubbed my toe?

I cannot have you repeating any of the foul language I uttered in error,

as it would make him very, very shocked.

Promise.

You must, because if Father Percival were to hear such things,

I may be moved to another diocese, so you must promise me.

Big shock, promise.

Coming, Father Percival.

Now you keep your beak shut, and I'll bring you cuttlefish galore.

Father Toby, trust you are well.

What a beautiful bird. Can he speak?

Not usually. He mostly just sits there being very polite.

Good. I'm tired.

I was up all night fucking these two ladies from the parish.

I beg your pardon?

They both were widows, and they have fucking huge bazookas.

Father Percival.

- I could've watched a bit more of that. - Yeah.

- Yeah. I could've. - That was brilliant.

The first vicar was fabulous.

I nearly went in that one with the first vicar.

He was very droll.

I was okay with Sam as a bird.

It kind of seemed, yeah, of course Sam's a bird.

There's nothing unusual, nothing to see here, really.

I like the term bazookas.

Bazookas was excellent.

Although it feels like it's wrong 'cause bazookas are, sort of,

they're more phallic, aren't they? The…

Well, bosoms that go forward.

- Do such bosoms exist outside… - They do, yeah. They do.

Would you like to fire, like, an RPG or a bazooka?

Yes, I'd like to.

Would you fire it at a vicar, or just a mattress or something?

I'd fire randomly, Bob.

Good.

Possibly in the leather head area.

Nice.

Mel's playing. Mel is not going out without a fight.

- I think Mel is a silent assassin. - Yeah, I think she is.

So what's the… What has been happening?

- I may applaud you for your joker. - Really?

- Was that okay? I hope it was okay. - It was a great bit. Nice bit.

- Ah. That's nice. - Yeah.

You were good as the bird. I liked… You have good legs.

Oh, thanks, David.

Not realistically avian. Which is a good thing in legs.

Is he on a sedative?

He's so dazed, Sam.

He's like one of those pigeons that flies into a patio door.

Okay, we're running out of time. I'm going in.

You're going in?

Iron Man can iron up to ten shirts in five minutes.

Doors.

We've only got 40 minutes left.

By that time I thought no one was ever gonna laugh again.

So we're gonna go sudden death.

Going to sudden death, I felt, "Okay, this is a proper contest."

- If you laugh, you're out. Okay? - Yes.

Oh, wow. The stakes are high.

If anyone laughs, it's a red card.

Ooh.

Tune in next week for another crazy episode.

- Do it in a rap way, David. - That was in a rap way.

Mmm.

David, have you ever dropped a Bible?

He should've asked that six hours ago.

This thing on?

Do you want to have a waltz with me, Bob?

- I don't know what's going on. - Doors!

This makes a lot more sense.

It's extremely funny.

Sam's gonna try and finish him off.

It's come down to this.

Oh!

You've both played…

Bobby.

…an incredible game.

No.

Oh, my God!