Original subtitles

While I've got you,

there's another one.

Whoa.

Ooh.

Say it ain't so.

What kind of sausage would you like?

You are a vegan, so you don't touch the meat.

- What kind of sausage would you like? - Just, like, a straight…

Oh, wow.

It's an own goal for Alan Carr.

Oh, I knew it was that bloody sausage!

It was so good though.

Oh, God.

I knew the sausage machine would be my downfall.

And then my eye looked over to Pat Noodle, and then I was just gone.

Okay, so that's seven of you

- on yellow cards. - Yellows.

- So, Sam, you don't have a yellow card. - Cool.

David, you don't have a yellow card.

Unbelievably, Mel, you don't have a yellow card.

Teetering.

Okay. I'm going back in, I'm restarting the game.

- Okay. - Doors.

I mean, this is a very, very strong team.

So, it's yellow cards for Alan and Romesh,

and all it took was a sausage machine firing out raw meat

at a lady called Pat Noodle.

Simple, really.

Okay, let's restart the game.

- Well done. Well done, Alan. - Okay.

I loved that game. And the shoe business was excellent.

Thank you, thank you.

We've all bitten down on a shoe when trying to curl one out.

Yep.

Anyone care for a freshened-up buffet?

Thanks, this is an amazing spread.

Say, even if I've just had a whole one, I'll have a bit more.

What is the calorific intake on this show?

Gee. They've not stopped eating.

Must be nice for them.

They're allowed s-snacks in there, aren't they?

I don't want any anyway.

I'm glad, when you said, "There's no snacks",

I said, "I don't even want any".

What are your, um, favourite meats, Alan?

- Tongue. - Tongue?

- Tongue. - Whose tongue?

- Tongue of cow? - Anyone's tongue.

- Tongue of cow? Tongue of pork? - Human tongue?

Human tongue.

- Is your favourite meat? - Mmm.

You've got temptation in your mouth at all times.

- Mmm. - Bob.

Oh, this is… the human tongue's got them.

And you've got quite a big tongue,

- if you don't mind me saying. - Yeah, yeah. It's quite girthy.

- I've got a long tongue, do you wanna… - I've got a well-hung tongue.

A well-hung tongue?

- Who's got the longest tongue here? - Sam. Sam's got a long tongue.

- Can we see it? - Let's see yours.

- What the hell? - What?

How? Why?

Do that again, Sam.

- What just happened? - What was going on there?

- Do that again, Sam, please. Slower. - Is that actually your tongue?

Why you… Why are you covering up half the tongue?

Well, I'm worried, is it a trick?

- It can't be his thumb though. - That's a magic trick.

- You can't have a tongue… - But who has a spare tongue?

If there's tongue talk, the tongue comes out.

Drinks orders?

- Drinks orders? - Well, I'd have a glass of rosé or a…

- I'll have a rosé. - Anyone else for rosé?

Yeah, I think I will.

Three rosé's. Rosé, team?

Could I get some scallops?

If you're doing scallops, I'll…

- I'll have one of yours, yeah. - Two scallops? Very good.

Um, Rommers, did you want a something or other?

- Rommers? - For a… You wanted a glass of rosé?

- I'll have a glass of rosé. - So we'll get a bottle of rosé.

I don't know how to do this, but I'll see what I can do.

- Mel? - Oh, hello.

I just wondered if we might be able to possibly have a bottle of rosé?

Yeah, no problem at all.

And… That's really kind. And a few glasses.

Ah, should be all right.

You're really kind. Thank you so much.

I'm not, but, yeah.

Bye. Bye.

So, you can phone out. You can phone out.

- Yeah. - Like a joke?

No.

- Um, Mel. Mel, Mel, Mel. - Mel. Mel. Mel.

Absolutely shaba… rank.

Yes.

What's happened here?

What the hell?

We have had a laugh, and no one else was involved.

They've done this to themselves.

Doors.

Nothing happened here.

Oh, here we go.

- What? - Can't be.

We have had a laugh.

- What? - And this was…

I mean, you talk about own goals.

This is just someone taking themselves out for no good reason.

Let's have a look.

- Sorry. - Um, Mel,

- Mel, Mel. - Mel. Mel.

Mel!

- Melvis Presley! - What the hell were you thinking?

- Mel, Mel, Mel. - You… You burped yourself out.

The viewers at home will watch that and go, "That audio,

they've done something to that audio."

That's genuinely the noise your body made.

I'm really sorry.

It's all the… It's all the flumps and everything, and the crisps.

Don't blame the flumps.

It's a yellow card.

How basic is it to laugh at your own burp?

Rookie error.

Some of you are gonna be joining myself and Roisin very, very soon.

I'll restart the game.

So, Mel's incredible burp brought her down.

A yellow card for her, and a suggestion:

Maybe a bottle of Gaviscon.

While you were away, someone came in and opened a bag of popcorn,

and then ate some, when I told them we weren't allowed it, so they've gone now.

You've gotta have more control over these people.

With eight on yellow cards, let's…

…let's restart the game.

Oh, here we go. Here we go.

Got one more strike. One more strike.

Has anyone got a weird crush?

Weird crush?

Gordon Ramsay.

When he starts shouting, I really like it.

Yeah. I used to fancy the jack of clubs,

you know, in the pack of cards.

- Good looking. - Mmm, he was good looking.

If we're going there, Mufasa.

- Really? - Mufasa is sexy.

- Yeah. - Officer Dibble.

- Hello. - Dibble was hot.

Officer Dibble?

- Officer Dibble from Top Cat. - Oh, man, how can you fancy the po-po?

I've never heard or thought of Officer Dibble as the po-po.

- No, but technically, correct. - Yeah.

Oh.

- Hello? - Something is…

- Oh, yes. - Oh, something is gonna happen.

- Judy Finnigan, guys, it's Judy Finnigan. - Oh, imagine!

That would be amazing.

Hello everyone. Uh, now, David and Sam, you don't have yellow cards,

uh, so you're gonna go head-to-head in a special challenge.

I know comedians hate showing off, so this is gonna be really tough for you.

You have to take it in turns to say something impressive about yourself.

So, this is a chance to boast about your greatest achievements.

Please, take your places at the table.

The game starts and ends when the bell rings.

Go, guys.

Go, guys!

Okay.

Okay.

Um,

- put it there. Um… - Yeah.

Say something impressive about me.

I, um, have good tenacity, and I think I'm strong-willed.

I have occasional attention to detail.

Well, I have a girlfriend.

I have a wife.

My first kiss was actually on a castle, in Guildford.

I look forward to my first kiss.

Oh. Um, I have, uh, a lot of mates, a lot of great mates.

I was a finalist in the Rotary Club public speaking competition in 1991.

Or 1992.

I mean, this is at school, but I did very well in the cross country.

I appreciate cheese, and am able to show it.

Oh, dear.

Um, I am good at swimming, and…

and I would actually even trouble the fast lane.

I won't tolerate stale biscuits.

I won't tolerate bigotry.

I will tolerate bigotry in order to influence people.

Oh, I've got a printer.

I've… I've got, um, a laptop that can connect to my wife's printer.

Oh, "My Wife's Printer, the David Mitchell Story".

I, uh, have a very loud voice when I… when I need to.

Do you shout?

I c-can shout very loudly.

I challenge you to a small mini challenge within this challenge,

which is a shout… a shout-off.

You'd like me to shout, to see who can shout the loudest?

Okay. Right.

The challenge has got a spin-off.

Who… Who can shout for longest?

You start there and we slowly step toward each other, shouting.

Okay. Ready. One, two, three.

What is this house?

Look at Diane Morgan.

Th-Thank you.

It felt like you needed that, David.

- I think it helped. - Do you feel better?

Although I think my voice may be different forever.

Well, that was one of my favourite parts so far.

- I really loved it. - Thank you. I enjoyed looking

into your screaming face.

I can't believe we didn't get anyone on that.

Yeah. I mean, there's a reason those two don't have yellows.

- Lovely work. - Great work, guys. Really good.

Very good.

I think the world will be surprised that it was David who had the loudest scream.

You wouldn't put much money on that.

He's an animal. We didn't know.

When I went to, um, Mexico, I got Montezuma's revenge,

that I had… I O-OD'd on Imodium,

and basically had to have a C-section to do a shit.

That's…

- That's full-on. - Yeah.

- That's bad. - That's really bad.

- Did you have to book in a day and stuff? - Yeah. Yeah. And a gender reveal.

I see. Yeah.

Did they show it to you?

Did you keep it?

Were you proud?

Was it like… people say,

don't they, about birth, they say it's like,

- "Oh, hello". - It's just emotional for me.

'Cause that's actually my child.

Oh, Alan, Alan.

- Alan -Oh, it's good. It's good.

- He's got problems, ain't he? - He's weakening.

- No. It's just emotional for me… - Oh, you just…

…'cause that's my child you're talking about.

Yeah. Your poo child.

You, um… You do a fair bit of acting, don't you?

- Mmm. Mmm. - You do quite a lot of that?

Um, I've got an audition.

- Oh, yeah? - Next week. But I find them really scary.

- Do you? Yeah. - Unnerving.

I've got the li… do you run… would you run through it with me?

- Yeah. Absolutely. - Is that okay?

Let's have a look.

You're Jack, if that's okay. "Interior, quiet rural café.

Jack, a handsome British man in mid-20s is working behind the counter.

Enter Hannah, an American businesswoman in her early 30s."

"Hi. What can I get you?"

"Oh, I'm still deciding. Hold on a second."

- That's really good. - Is that good?

- Yeah. - Uh. "Her phone rings

and she takes it out her bag.

She takes a deep breath and answers calmly.

'Look, Steve, now ain't a good time.

You know how important this case is to me, and I can't think about us right now.'

She pauses to hear Steve's reply.

She nods, understandingly."

You might wanna work on that nod a bit.

- The nod? - Yeah.

"She puts her phone away and glances back at Jack,

who has already prepared her coffee."

"Got you an Americano, 'cause I think I detected an accent."

"Hannah rolls her eyes and laughs to herself."

- Not a laugh. - I think that's risky business.

- I think you've got it in the bag. - You reckon?

Got nothing to worry about.

The only thing I'd say, that nod was a bit big.

- It needs to be more… - What would you go for?

Yeah, that's it.

No, you're accent's amazing.

Cheers, Di.

These are serious players.

I think we need another joker.

Hello? Here we go.

Hello. Last One Laughing.

Uh, Romesh, could you go and play your joker, please?

Sure thing. Bye-bye.

- Has the booze arrived? - No.

What?

What? What-What did they say?

You can't just keep it to yourself.

This is the most deadpan group of people.

I can't believe they're all still in there.

- They're not breaking. - Okay, we're gonna have to get strict now.

Oh, straight in there.

- Okie dokie. - Hello.

Um, just to start off, I'm gonna give you these,

- but could you not open them yet, please? - Okay.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Let's go, Romesh.

- Thank you. - Oh, exciting.

So, please don't look at the envelopes until I say.

Uh, a lot of my comedy comes from taking ownership

of some of the hardest things I've had to deal with,

whether it's my bonky eye,

how much I depend on my mum for a career,

or even how long I remained a virgin.

I had to face a lot of criticism that I rely too much on jokes about my eye.

Online, one person actually said,

"If he had two straight eyes, he'd be driving a taxi."

But what people don't know is actually that a little part of me dies

every time I mention my weaknesses in a room of people.

It gets laughs, sure, but it still hurts.

So, given you guys can't laugh,

I-I thought I would detail some of the things that I've found the hardest.

Here are some examples of the things I got called.

Gozzy-eyed, crock-eyed,

gammy-eyed, shitty-eyed,

eyed-eyed,

and this is probably the worst one…

Cookie Monster.

Things then quietened down, and I learned to make those jokes first.

But I wasn't ready for what happened in 2007.

Tony Blair stood down, and this man became prime minister.

Can anybody guess what my nickname was in the late noughties?

Gordon?

It was "Gordon Very, Very Brown."

I hoped that the status of becoming a teacher would change things.

Some kids called me "Mr Rajabagabingbong",

which I thought was racist,

but the head said all the vowels made it sound plausibly Sri Lankan.

Fucking hell.

A career in the public eye came next, and via the horror of social media,

I found myself in the eye of the storm,

as TV appearances held another volley of horrible comments.

"Cameraman's nightmare."

"He needs his mum there for directions."

"His eyes are on more channels than he is."

Not only that, but people made unflattering racial comparisons

to other comedians.

"Jack Deepak."

"Ricky Gervasian."

Or the worst, "David Ba-Baddiel."

My therapist says the final stage of my healing

is to allow you to say those things.

So, when I point at you, what I'd like you to do is open your envelope,

take it in, and then I would like you to say the insult to my face.

Um, let's start with you, please.

"Even he can't see things from his own perspective."

Thank you.

"He'd need the Death Star to give him laser eye surgery."

Thank you.

"He's got the worst eye since ISIS."

"He got jizz in that eye from whoever he had to suck off to get on TV."

Maisie's straight in.

- Not even a bit of a mercy. - Nothing to Maisie.

"His wife's eyes must be more fucked than his."

And finally.

"His eye looks…

His eye looks like a grape in a tumble dryer."

Thank you so much for taking the time to, sort of, share that,

and I certainly found it useful, and I hope you did too.

Thank you very much, guys, I appreciate it.

Oh, wow.

- Brave. That was brave. - Very brave.

That was very brave.

I felt bad for Romesh, and I've had that myself.

You know, people have said horrible things about me, you know.

Said my smile's like a bombed-out village, and stuff like that.

And someone said if I grew a moustache

it would look like Stonehenge had a thatched roof.

What was yours again, Alan?

Can't remember now.

Let's have it again.

- It was my favourite, I think. - Once more with feeling.

You can really picture the grape, can't you?

Mmm.

Bobbling around.

I… It makes me feel…

- No, but that will help. - Read and heal.

His eyes…

looks like…

That was brilliant.

- Romesh! - Thanks, guys, thank you. Thanks.

That's a laugh. It's a weird noise, but it was a laugh.

Yep.

Whoa. Oh, wow.

- What? - Uh-oh.

What?

Doors.

Oh, God.

I think it might've been me, guys.

We've had a laugh.

Please.

His eyes…

looks like…

Oh!

Gbemi…

- Gbemi, you're the first one out. - No!

- Oh. - Yeah. Yeah, you are.

Gbemi, you have to come and watch with me.

But you don't have to go on your own.

Have a look. We've had another laugh.

Let's have it again.

You can really picture the grape, can't you?

Oh!

We're being incredibly strict now.

- And you lot pushed me to do that again! - It had to happen, Alan!

Okay, that's one for you, Gbemi, and one for you, Alan. You're coming with me

Come on. Doors.

- Well done. - Bye!

I didn't get the first red card,

it was a joint first red card,

and technically Alan Carr, alphabetically, is higher up,

so first, but, like, second to Alan.

Gbemi gets the first red card.

She's out first. First red to Gbemi.

Oh, and Alan's out as well.

But Gbemi first.

Please come in, take a seat. You are free to laugh.

- Ah. - How did you find it in there?

I couldn't control my face. There's so many funny people in there.

- Your facial expressions… - It was only a matter of time.

You know what my face… I knew I'd be the first or second out

- or whatever, but… - I thought I'd last longer.

I mean, I lasted long, actually, it's just everyone else is so good.

Right, team, things are gonna get really freaking tense.

- They haven't restarted, have they? - Nope.

Yeah, get it out.

Okay, shall we restart?

- Yes. - Okay, let's go.

I thought… Oh, geez.

Oh, this is… This is thick and fast, I'm not ready for this.

I might just get on the phone for some more booze.

Lager, please.

- Have you been to a hen party, David? - Only professionally, obviously.

- Professionally? - You know.

- Have you… What, you've been booked for a… - You've been booked for a hen party?

Yeah. When I was younger and more…

- you know. - As a stripper?

No, as a, sort of, you know, a waiter, just in a thong.

No.

I can believe that you would be a stripper.

I can't believe that you would wait on someone.

It's difficult to take that as a compliment.

So nice to laugh. It's so nice.

Okay, it's time to bring a bit of class to proceedings, isn't it?

- Okay. - All right.

David.

- Wow. - Well done.

Well, this should be fun.

Doors.

I see you've all met my chiropodist.

Please, take a seat up here.

We have a singing challenge now.

- Now I would be out. - Yeah. We'd be out now.

I don't feel so bad now.

Okay, it's actually fairly easy. All you've gotta do is sing this.

- You bastard. - Sing that when I point to you.

Amy.

David.

Diane.

Romesh.

Mel's gotta go. Surely.

Mel.

Sam.

Bob.

Maisie's gone. Come on!

- Maisie? - Come on! She's crying!

Maisie?

- It's a very, very… - That was awesome.

It's a very moving piece of music.

Roisin, could you hit the red button for me?

- Yes, Jimmy. - Oh, my God, Maisie.

She's gone.

Yeah, who was it?

"Who was it?"

I think you know who it was.

Okay, let's have a look at the replay.

Bob.

Maisie.

Maisie.

Oh! Maisie!

Oh. I'm sorry.

- I think you were laughing a bit there. - Yeah. Just a little bit.

A smidge.

So, Maisie, it's a red card for you.

Sorry, Maisie.

We've also had a smile.

Take a look.

Oh.

We are being strict at this stage of the game,

so I've gotta give you a red card.

Okay.

I don't wanna be, like,

I don't wanna be teacher's pet, but it is a smile.

Well, it's a smile or a laugh, that's the game.

I mean… …I feel I came across like such a narc then.

Mel, sometimes it's nice to hold a glass, rather than suck it to your face.

I sucked it so hard I couldn't actually get it off then.

Bit of a worry.

She sucked it so hard she couldn't get it off.

I couldn't get it off.

And that is how you get ahead in show business.

I was annoyed with myself for letting that slip,

but I thought I'd got away with it.

Then just when you think you're safe,

the spectre of Jimmy Carr returns, and it's all over.

So, that's red cards for Amy and Maisie.

Four down, six to go. Who will be the next to crack?

Here we are, look at it!

That was a tough one.

I went so red, I thought I was gonna pass out.

You're not meant to repress it.

- It's unnatural. - No. I knew I was out

when I started to see stars.

- All right, let's restart the game. - Okay!

…happens.

Can you give me three favourite things? And I'll judge them.

- Three favourite what? - Do you like cheese?

Well, here's the thing. I don't really eat cheese,

but I can… I can do it off memory, if you like.

- There was a time when you adored cheeses? - Yeah.

Your third cheese?

Um,

smoked cheddar.

Sorry.

At number two?

Wensleydale.

Sorry, Rom.

And at number one for you?

Danish blue.

- Mmm. - You love that one?

- Yeah. What a great cheese. - It is a great cheese.

Sorry to interrupt, chaps. Something…

Something from the buffet?

Sorry to interrupt with a slightly loud voice.

I'll not take anything, thank you. But it looks delicious.

- I'd love something. - Cracker and a guac?

Crackermolies, we're calling it.

- Yeah, that'd be… that'd be great. - Combo of the two,

or a nice little tomato.

- I'm fine, thank you. - ♪ With a mozzarella lurking underneath ♪

♪ Do you like your mozzarella, Bob? Or a cucumber, Bob? ♪

- No, I'm gonna see if there's a drink. - ♪ Just dip it into the guacamole ♪

♪ Dippy dippy dips in the guackers ♪

Look, Bob's so close.

A lot of people didn't look to be on the offensive.

Mel, for example, as soon as she saw somebody had a problem,

she was in, because she could smell a weakness.

I miss the guys.

I love those gals, and Al.

Everyone I really liked in this has now gone out.

Hello. Last One Laughing.

Oh, hi, Romesh. Could you get Bob to go and prepare his joker?

No problem. Thank you.

Bob, could you prepare your joker, please?

- Oh, hello, sailor. - Yep.

Right, now it's belt and braces time, I fear.

- This could be a problem for people. - Yeah.

Christ, this could be the end for some of us.

Let's clench up, because this is gonna be a very, very rough and difficult ride.

Oh, my God.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on stage…

Shit.

- We are intimacy coordinators. - Intimacy coordinators. Yeah.

You're a stout lad.

You're about to see a show.

Hairier?

Oh, wow. The stakes are high.

A little bit sexier, and a little bit futuristic.

Is the card red or yellow?

Oh, my God. This is so tense.

Nice and simple, would you consider yourself a pervert?