Original subtitles

Good evening.

Happy Easter.

And in the strongest possible terms, hello.

Now, I know some of you were disappointed by my speech on Wednesday,

others of you did not watch it.

For those who missed it, here's a summary.

You didn't miss much.

And honestly, I'm kicking myself.

I let you down.

But everyone deserves a second chance.

Peter Mandelson's had four or five.

With many more to come.

So allow me to try again.

The conflict in the Middle East has entered its second month.

But I can assure you we are working at pace towards a de -escalation. And the

pace we are working at is...

leisurely.

I know that due to this war, Britons are already struggling, not only in

England, but also in the top bit, and the side bits as well.

Life is getting harder, and furthermore, goodbye.

Wait.

I'm told there's a second page to my speech.

Oh, that's right. The inspiring part.

Look, I know I'm not inspiring.

When I applied to join the Samaritans, I brought the vibe down so much that the

interviewer called the Samaritans.

So I've asked some Britons that people actually like.

to help me put a pep in your step.

First up, England legend, Harry Kane.

Yeah,

cheers. Nice one, Gaffer.

Harry, why don't you give the nation one of your rousing team talks?

Yeah, obviously.

The Strait of Hormuz is a really amazing war away.

Always said that.

Yeah, you know, at the end of the day, you know, Iran, they're sold in attack.

You know, sold in defence.

Yeah, could have said pieces too. So, yeah, just got to take it one more at a

time. And, yeah, yeah, it's going to be nice.

Thank you, Harry.

written with a smile that could light up a room, which could be useful when the

power runs out.

Film and TV star, Olivia Colman.

Oh, hello. Gosh, this is a bit sexy, isn't it?

Flirting with Iran and playing with oil.

Next thing you know, there's an energy shortage or the power's off and we're

snogging in the dark.

Aren't I naughty?

Thanks, Olivia.

Love the enthusiasm.

Our final speaker combines two of my greatest interests.

Outstanding British television and pork.

It's Peppa Pig.

Cheer us up, Peppa.

Thank you, Daddy Care.

different from how you seem on the telly.

And you're very similar.

Well, there you have it. Big thanks to Britain's Big Three, Hurricane MBE,

Olivia Colbert, CBE, and Peppa Pig, P -I -G -P.

Oh, no. Here come the power cuts.

Friend for yourselves, everyone.

Olivia Colbert's trying to kiss me. And live!

I'm Riz Ahmed and it is an absolute honour to be hosting SNL UK!

Now, I'm an actor, I'm a writer, I'm a producer and I'm a rapper.

So for those of you who don't know who I am, clearly neither do I.

I'm working it out.

Mostly I'm an actor, you know, and contrary to popular belief, I don't...

play intense roles okay i also do some like family feel good stuff like for

example do you guys uh you guys know the sound of music i did a film just like

that called sound of metal it's almost exactly the same it's about a musician

who's slowly going deaf and he's a heroin addict who lives in a van just

sound of music and it feel good because you're not him

But seriously, I've done some comedies as well.

Some of you might have seen a film I did called Four Lions.

That's what I'm saying. It's a feel -good movie about characters you can

root for.

Christmas movie.

But I actually have just created and released my own comedy.

It's called Bait.

It's just come out.

Thank you, thank you, man.

Yeah, it's about an out -of -work actor auditioning to be James Bond.

And the character is going through an identity crisis. And if you're wondering

why I made a comedy about someone having an identity crisis, look at me, man.

I'm confused.

It's not my fault. I grew up in Wembley, but I went to Oxford University, and

that's why I sound like this.

Like a mix between Stormzy and Rishi Sunak.

We've actually all got a track together on my next album.

It's called Oi Rude Boy, Shut Up, This Is A Quiet Carriage.

It's a bang.

But, you know, I actually feel that even this show is having an identity crisis

in a way. You know, we're three episodes in and your hosts have been American,

Irish and me.

Don't worry, next week, you know, we're going to have one of the nation's most

prominent Asian comedians, Jack Whitehall.

You see how much he goes on holiday with his parents, man. That's so Asian.

That's so Asian.

Don't worry, Jack. Your secret is safe with me. As -salamu alaykum, brother.

But sometimes I feel like the whole nation is having this identity crisis

that's why we're so divided, right? We're divided over politics, over the

climate, over the Beckhams.

But I think that I know how to solve it.

I think I can solve Britain's identity crisis. I think there's one thing that

unites us all.

In essence, what makes us British is we like it when things are a little bit

crap.

Not totally crap, but just a little bit crap, you know? We like that. We like

it. We like giving... Thank you, yes.

We like giving crap compliments, you know?

Someone says, he's a bit of a character. That means you're a knob, you know? And

we like sports that are a bit crap.

Cricket. can go on for five days and still be a draw.

And we like giving gifts that are a bit crap.

You know, like original sauce, mint and tea tree shower gel.

My balls feel like they're in Siberia.

Thank you for that, auntie, by the way.

We celebrate when things are a bit crap.

We literally cheer when someone drops their pint glass in the pub.

That's the best of Britain.

we've got a great show for you today.

Really great show. Actually, no, we genuinely have a fantastic show. It's

un -British of us. We've got Kasabian here.

It's going to be a banger. Stick around and watch this.

A lot of people in TV and movies always have their phones on loud.

I've never met a Gen Z girl who has her phone on loud.

People come in every situation, and no one ever has their own vibration.

A lot of people in TV and movies always have their phones on loud.

Big school, basically a phone -free place. Sharing a clip of a girl on her

Big, big kids, you're looking round for flex.

How come she's the only one who didn't get the text? A man walks into a

corporate space after committing a hated sex crime. He's really dumb. Very bad

thing. He's getting cabled and the phones go dang.

Calling all the texts on at once. All the phones are going off at once.

Calling him a slut and he's a dirty dog.

Every single phone's going crazy strong.

A lot of people in TV and movies always have their phones on loud.

I still understand the scene without the very loud text you found.

Every text is expositional.

Hey, Dad, can you pick me up? Now the mom's dead.

All these texts are expositional.

Let me just search that up on the Glinkle app.

Hmm.

Why does FaceTime never look right?

What does your house have to do with your life?

And how the hell is that the first best message that you've ever sent to your

wife?

Well,

while we're here... A lot of cops in TV and movies only have co -workers at

their personal events.

It's your 58th birthday, you're telling me none of your family went?

It's only other cops at your house. Clearly no one wants to come to your

It's just colleagues on your wedding day. And you've also got a colleague for

spouse. One, two, yee -haw! Why is everything in TV and movies not how it

real life?

iPhone's been waterproof since 2016.

Why'd you put it in rice?

And people answer the phone while they're having sex.

The phone is car blue, so you'll always connect.

CEOs leave email notifications, and the phone contacts include relations.

The calls are always so fast -paced. iPhones have an Android interface.

Yeah, because I've never seen a phone before.

Make a confidential call at the Apple Store.

But mostly it's the way TV and films all sound.

With all the phones all off. All phones off. All phones off.

So sort it out.

Wait, Mom, slow down.

Jason, my brother, your son, has been arrested?

Don't panic. I'll order a goober there.

In today's challenge, our contestants added a whopping £4 ,250 to the

prize fund.

But now it's time for the faithful to return to the round table. Can they

uncover who amongst them is a great big crab man?

I'd like to start. This experience has been amazing.

But at the end of the day, we need to find the great big crab man.

But there's someone here I just don't trust.

And that person is... It's yourself, Imran.

Great, we're doing this again. I know I was wrong about Kaya, Mehul, and Issa.

I just can't see.

Well, I'm obviously not a great big crab man.

But to be fair, that is exactly what a great big crab man would say.

Okay.

Okay, I'm just going to come out and say, why is nobody looking at Sebastian?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I've only got two 100 % not a great big crab man.

And it's myself, I'm Sebastian.

Look at him, Roy. He's a flipping crab.

See, getting defensive like that, it only makes you look more like a great

crab man.

Okay, okay. What about today's challenge?

30 seconds.

So why was the acting so weird at breakfast?

Because he's tired. He can only sleep in a bucket of fresh water for medical

reasons.

Can I just say, I'm actually feeling really uncomfortable by the energy in

room tonight.

To be fair to Imran, to be fair to Imran, all I've seen Sebastian eat is

seaweed and invertebrates. And for me, that's suspicious.

The time for talk is over.

Now, it's time to vote.

Good luck, everyone.

I'm sorry.

It is what it is.

Sorry, girl.

Imran, I'm so sorry.

Love you, man.

Imran, you have received the most votes.

Would you like to join me, please?

Listen, yeah, I've had an amazing time. It's been an incredible journey and I've

made friends for life. But there's something weighing on my heart and I've

to come out and say it.

I'm obviously not a great big crab man, you idiot!

What the hell are

you playing at?

You've just voted off.

Another not a great big crab man.

And the real great big crab man is still out there.

Laughing at you.

Okay. Okay, I'm just gonna say it.

There's someone who is slipping under the radar.

And at tomorrow's round table, the person A will be looking at... Hey, hey,

I'll pack my bags.

Operation isn't that a game for like six -year -old? Okay. Why don't you give it

a go then?

Okay, I will It's simple you just

Hey, babe come to bed.

Yeah, yeah woman Kids get in the car. Mommy will

be there in a sec.

Are you coming or not?

Are you coming?

We're cutting the cake.

It's just a game.

It's not just a game.

It literally is. It says it on the box.

It sticks fast.

I can't take it anymore.

We're leaving.

I lifted it clean.

So I'm there, just fully committed, waving at them, grinning like an idiot,

he walked straight past me.

Oh, no. I just felt like such a plum.

I've missed this.

I've missed you.

So have I.

Help! Help!

Is there a doctor in the house? One of our diners has collapsed. Are you

serious?

No,

wait.

I've got this.

Yes. Honey, are you sure about this?

Everybody stand back.

Give me those.

You have to believe me. They were supposed to be pieces. And then the bus

applied. The bread bus. Whatever, sir. You're coming with me.

Olivia.

Olivia, tell them.

Olivia!

This

is

OG FM coming at you.

Old classics for old heads.

It's all 90s music all the time.

And we mean all the time. When we want to talk, we just turn it down very

slightly.

On the deck, you've got MC Twister, DJ Tiller, and me, Lady Magnum, Pink

Lemonade. And yes, all our names are types of ice cream.

Coincidence.

If you remember these tunes from back in the day, then you are...

Shout out to my middle -aged brothers and sisters.

Coming at you.

All right, all right. So tonight we've got some real talk for all you over

Prostate cancer.

Real serious, but people don't talk about it because it's the butt one.

Using our platform for good.

All right. We've got a mad guest in the studio here to educate us. It's Dr

Rishi. Come on, big up Dr Rishi looking sharp.

I appreciate that. Um, yeah.

So, yeah, I mean, thanks for having me.

Um, uh... All right, Doc, Dr.

Noligenos! Yeah, sorry.

Sorry, yeah. Well, prostate cancer is a condition that actually affects one in

eight men. Shout out to Michelle in SW5! Don't harm her, okay?

What do you think, Dr. Rich?

Right. Yeah, um, yep, so the prostate, um, it's small gland, it's just behind

the, um... Shout out to Jane, the divorce is final!

She's back on the pill!

P -p -p -p -p -p -pill!

Take your weight off!

Take your weight!

Um, okay, yeah, okay, suppose, um, well, you know, diet is very important. Hey,

oh, don't forget, Monday's a bank holiday!

For the week!

For the week!

What?! Diet is something... Tony, it's just...

something even south and west statistically around 55 000 new cases

okay i'm just trying to say before there was a diet is a good way to minimize

your risk reducing red meat is sensible you should think about swapping it out

with an oily fish perhaps a salmon or mackerel hey yo pick up the no feed come

on um can we stop please i'm sorry can we just stop what's up big man

Is there any way you could just stop the music just for like a minute?

Sorry, Doc, this is OGFM, all 90s music, all the time. Literally, all the time.

Yes, my sister, if you've got something important to say, you've got to ride the

beat.

What do you mean, ride the beat?

Medical freestyle, off the dome.

Seriously? Yeah, spit some wisdom, Dr. Rishi.

Yeah, tell the people what they've got to know.

Hypocratic oath.

Okay, okay, fine, fine. Yeah, okay.

Prostate, prostate, check it before it's too late.

Early detection is vital for your survival.

All right, turn my headphones up.

Up a bit more, yeah.

Don't hide away, get your PSA. The blood test is dead, so don't delay. No

joking, stop smoking.

I'm thinking, less drinking.

Check your BMI. If the number's high, then we'll make a plan. Get your number

right. If you're over 50, got a family history and your flow is weak, then see

your G's, see all my G's in the back. Who are black? Your risk is higher,

a fact.

Don't be brave, don't act like a trooper. If you've got P's, don't wait

future. Just call trooper, I'll pin it over. Please write me, happy birthday to

ya. And if there's blood in your P, call 111.

Dr. Ritchie, Dr.

Ritchie, Dr. Ritchie, Dr. Ritchie, Dr. Ritchie, Dr.

Ritchie.

As she goes, me again alone, I can't stop the

voices.

Now it's you and me, and I have lost the words.

I just keep on calling.

What?

years ago.

It's not a great thing to do.

We don't stop until you give us a chance.

It's Weekend Update with Anya Magliano and Paddy Young.

Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Paddy Young. And I'm Anya

Magliano.

The war between Iran and the US has entered its second month.

Second month?

We're starting to get serious.

This week, a US airstrike destroyed Iran's largest bridge.

Responding to criticism for targeting civilian infrastructure, a senior US

military official said, Oh my God, we're so sorry. We thought it was a school.

President Trump has criticised the UK's Navy for being, quote, too old.

Too old. Old for Donald Trump? What is it?

18?

Responding to Trump's claims that our Navy was old and outdated, one admiral

said, I'm going to go there and give them a piece of my mind just as soon as

wind picks up.

It's true.

The UK only has one submarine and half the crew are dead.

Now, new data published by the NHS shows that in the last five years...

Referrals for body dysmorphia treatment have quadrupled.

Well, they think they've quadrupled. They actually look fine.

It's been revealed that meta -billionaire Mark Zuckerberg is building

under his compound in California.

And I hope he uses that bunker in exactly the same way Hitler did.

In the last two weeks, online phenomenon Fruit Love Island has taken the

internet by storm.

It's just like normal Love Island, but the twist? The contestants are AI

-generated fruit.

Yes, this is genuinely a real thing that millions... of people are tuning into

every day.

Here to comment on this viral sensation is random, former, real Love Island

contestant, Chloe Bibby Rinkle.

No!

No! No! It is so muggy! AI has nicked my job!

It's taken me, a human, professional lady, years to perfect the art of

cock under a bed sheet.

Now, now people want to see a raspberry do it instead.

What is that you're doing with your hands?

Oh, so I'm using the base of my thumbs to quell the flow of my tears.

It's giving Kleenex.

Which series were you in? Oh, yeah, I was in series 12 and three quarters, The

Villa in Djibouti.

And what's it actually like to be on the show? Oh, my God, it's amazing.

So, OK, imagine being trafficked, but in a nice way.

Then imagine there's a pool, but none of us like to swim.

Then imagine the memory of UK Garage.

Then imagine getting a text. It was like that.

And did you find love in the villa? Oh, yeah, I caught feels for Zebby Z. But

get this, week after we left, I found out he was in fact a mirage due to my

stroke.

Sorry, but why is it so much grafting when you're a mirage?

I'm sworn off mirages now. Big dicks, though.

Maybe it's for the best that you've been replaced with AI fruit. Like, with love

and light, you don't seem well. Yeah, I'm moving spooky.

I'm moving spooky.

Cos, like, Anya, of course I would love to be a cherry with a fanny.

Of course I would.

But I have to accept that I'm a human woman with a brain. Like it or lump it.

British public wants to see a peach cracking onto a tomato, then so be it. A

tomato isn't a fruit, by the way. It is a fruit!

It's Easter!

That's right, the time of year where we celebrate the only murdered Palestinian

we're allowed to talk about.

Test crisis continues.

Keir Starmer, seen here describing his favourite shape of bock, has been

unable to convince doctors to call off their upcoming six -day strike.

So, a gentle reminder that with no doctors on call, what goes up your butt

stay up your butt for the best part of a week.

And it will be the best part.

According to a police report, at the scene of his car crash in Florida last

week, Tiger Woods had two opioid pills in his pocket.

Woods claimed he was only keeping them in his pocket because he'd run out of

room in his bloodstream.

The Artemis II mission has seen four NASA astronauts set off for the far side

the moon.

And if you're wondering why they're so obsessed with the back of the moon,

that's where the bum is.

Inspired by the success of Artemis II, Britain's space agency is flying its own

rocket to the moon, and it will, just as soon as the wind picks up.

In lighter news this week, an adorable little dormouse was found dozing in an

old helium balloon caught in a tree in Essex.

Here to tell us about his big adventure is an adorable little dormouse.

Hi, guys.

I'm adorable to be here.

Oh, you're so cute. It is so wonderful to have you here, an adorable little

doormouse.

Cool. Look at all these big, scary cameras.

Oh, it's okay. Don't be intimidated.

Okay, camera three, where you at? Camera three, where you at?

Okay, camera three, you got me, girl?

Hey,

Vogue, I'm an adorable little doormouse, and this is what's in my bag.

Okay, so up first, you just know it's a little buttercup that I sometimes wear

as a hat.

Next up, oh, I don't go anywhere without my ethop hyaluronic face misdefense

barrier.

Shout out to ethop.

And up next, this one's kind of a little bit crazy and a bit freaky, but it's

hot sauce.

Sorry, are you just making content?

I'm an influencer, Anya. My adorable story is blowing up and it's my time to

shine. I'm only going to live for four years, Anya, and I'll spend three of

those years hibernating.

I've got to grab my moment.

And that's why, over the course of this answer, I've already moved on from being

an influencer to being a red carpet reporter.

Anya! Anya! Hey, girl. We're here with Vershka Jeans. What are you wearing,

girl? Tell me what you're wearing.

Don't tell me. It's the Boys With Character collection from Georgia Asda.

You look amazing, Anya, girl. You hungry, girl?

In my Subway take, I think that... I think that raspberries are nice.

I knew it was energy. I knew it was energy.

Oh, wow.

He's so cute. You really are moving through the life cycle of fame at an

unbelievable rate.

Welcome back to Of Dormice and Man, where I'm cooking with my guest, Anya

Magliano, about me being adorable.

Oh, you've got a podcast now.

Being adorable was always my superpower, you know.

Suddenly, I realized that people wanted me to be adorable all the time, and I

could never be off. Sorry.

Sorry.

But now, my listeners can get help to switch off thanks to our sponsor,

Dignitas.

Dignitas? Is that bad? Sorry, please don't cancel me.

We can never cancel you, adorable little door mouth.

Well, wait and see. I have invested my money in some weird things.

met police officers have been taken off duty after a bag of guns was

accidentally left on the street in London.

I feel sorry for the police. Sometimes you're so busy killing women that you

forget where you left your bloody machine gun. What am I like?

The government is passing new laws to make it easier to cancel online

subscriptions and unwanted auto renewals. Good news for me.

Bad news for Dr. Chove's penis pump emporium.

Platinum Club is about to lose a member.

A rainbow boa constrictor has miraculously given birth without

the second time.

Does anyone else find it kind of weird that God keeps bonking this steak?

A peacock named Pete, who has recently taken up residence in Surrey, has

reportedly learned to knock on doors with his beak.

Sadly, he's doing so to alert the neighborhood that he's a registered sex

offender.

According to a new report from the Department of Education, children under

should have no more than one hour of screen time per day to help improve

physical health and family relationships.

To discuss the impact this might have on parenting, here's a father and son who

still do skin on skin.

Thank you for having us.

No problem.

Now, let's talk about screen time.

It's a scourge. It breaks my heart to get up that carvery and see all

families glued to their phones.

Nobody looking at the pork.

Why can't everyone just be normal?

Yeah. My boys never looked at the screen.

He's thriving.

Yeah, you guys clearly have a strong bond.

Is that because you're screen free?

Yeah, I don't need an iPad.

I can just pad this chest and feel the happy hormones start g -g -g -gushing.

Why are you still doing this?

Well, the midwife recommended it for as long as you can.

It was great when I was a baby, but it's better now I'm 32.

It's nice to know when things are stressful at work, but I can get home

right on to Dad.

So, how does it reduce stress?

Many, many ways.

It regulates the heart rate, slows the breathing, helps with the breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding? Men have got the glums as well.

It just takes discipline, Paddy. Nobody has discipline these days.

That's the best bit New

newborn baby smell

Well, it's that but older This is unconventional, but

I have to tell you guys seem really happy

Last Christmas, we got two uncles and a cousin on here.

Pop that shirt off, Paddy lad. Don't be a stranger.

Thank you. Father and son who still do skin on skin. Let me get in here.

We are gathered here because the Royal Society of Literature issued a challenge

to conceive a work of gothic horror that taps into mankind's deepest, most

universal fear.

Tonight, three authors present their work.

Miss Eliza Faust, Mr. Edmund Blackthorn, and Sir Humphrey Cosgrave.

Miss Faust?

You have the floor.

Tonight I present the story of an immortal count who feeds upon the blood

living. I call it... Nosferatu.

Quite horrifying.

Mr. Blackthorn.

In my hands, the tale of a man cursed by the moon with an insatiable

bloodlust. I give you... The Wolfman.

And finally, Sir Humphrey.

Esteemed colleagues, I present a tale of unspeakable terror.

I give you... The Bastard Seagull.

Okay. Okay, question.

Um, sorry, I'm confused.

Is this like an evil seagull? It won't bloody leave!

Bastard!

Okay, not exactly a universal fear, but a valiant effort. Perhaps now let's hear

a passage from Miss House.

Greetings, gentlemen.

It was dawn.

At fragile hour, when night still clings to the edges of the world.

to find the seagull very close, but a pube's length from his face.

He screamed, But the bastard didn't give

one single toss.

Okay, let's move on. Mr. Blackthorn.

Sorry, um, why is there a seagull in this man's bedroom?

It keeps coming in the window.

and he just shut it. It's stuck.

It's like one of those old satchel windows and it's totally jammed.

Sorry, is the whole book about a man who has a seagull in his bedroom?

Not all of it. Some of it's about trying to get in touch with your landlord.

Sir Humphrey, may I remind you this is meant to be a work of gothic horror.

It's clearly a household maintenance issue.

Yes, Mr. Blackthorn. Thank you.

Why can't he just fix the window?

He's tried.

Every time he gets anywhere near it, they all go mental.

Wait, there's more than one seagull? Yeah, the bastard brought his bastard

friends.

Honestly, it feels more like their place than his at this point.

Don't shake!

Please, can we move on to one of the other books? Yes, you, sir.

Has the seagull guy thought about introducing a bird of prey to scare them

Yeah, well, he got an owl.

And it's only made it worse.

Because, look, the seagulls didn't leave.

And now the owl thinks he's its baby.

And it keeps vomiting his old field mice down his throat. Well, yeah, yeah, and

I tell you about it.

And the whole room stinks.

And now there's a badger.

Stop, sir.

Stop!

Stop!

You are asked to capture mankind's deepest fears, but this, I think, is

something that's happened specifically to you because you can't close your

windows. How dare you, sir!

The bastard seagull is a work of universal terror!

There is nothing scary about a seagull, sir!

Release the pressure.

Release the pressure.

Release the pressure.

It's a time for life to pull you away.

We were so far from home, locked down around that home. No one to save our

about to lose control.

We were so far from home, locked down around that home. No one to save our

about to lose control.

That's what it's all about.

Basically, I keep having nightmares that I'm going to leave my baby on the bus,

which is weird because I never take the bus.

Sasha, darling, you could leave your baby anywhere.

Hi. Hi. Sorry we're late. Sorry. Hi.

You must be Nick. Well, welcome.

Oh, thank you. Look, before you meet my partner, I just wanted to give you a

heads up.

Big weekend coming up. A lot of big feelings.

Oh!

Oh!

No one look at me. I'm a house.

Oh, my God. That's the Easter Bunny.

Oh, well, we'll do pickies later. Nick, give me a hand. Okay, give me a hand.

Don't drop me. Don't drop me. Don't drop me. Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh, Pascal.

Can I just say, it's so nice to see another gay couple here.

Yeah, seriously, so nice. We meet a couple like you, and it's like, yes,

are the exact same thing as us.

That exact same thing. So, Nick and Pascal, how are you feeling?

Oh, gosh. I mean, all the normal stuff, I think, right?

Nervous, excited.

Yeah, yeah. Really stressed about pushing all 82 million of them out.

But, hey, what are people supposed to do?

Not have Easter eggs.

Oh, my God. You give birth to Easter eggs?

No, he does.

Gosh, sorry, I suddenly feel a bit sick.

I think Easter eggs were all made in factories.

Then I suggest you educate yourself on queer history, my love.

Somehow I don't think it's a queer thing.

Well, what is it then?

I don't know anything about gay culture, so this is a real education for me.

No, please don't learn anything from this.

Well, I think it's a very generous thing you're doing, carrying... all those

eggs and giving them away to people.

Oh, thanks, doll. I mean, my body's shot.

My nipples are so long you could braid them.

Oh, that's a good idea for Bella's wedding. You know, braid my nipples.

You must be so proud watching the whole nation eat them. What?

Do you think?

People raise the eggs as their children. Can we please not pull the curtain back

on this? Thank you.

My ears are famously huge, Nick. You're not even covering up the holes.

Babe, babe, babe, babe, don't freak out. No, no, no, no. Is it true what he

said, the foreign one?

I'm Scottish.

Babe, the eggs, they're chocolate.

Nick, you're scaring me.

Chocolate is food, Pascal. I can't shield you from this anymore.

They eat the eggs because chocolate is food.

But hey, hey, those eggs make a lot of people very happy.

They do?

Yes, children and adults who are too close to their parents and people

who win crap raffles in May.

It gives so many people so much joy.

I love you.

I'm so proud of you and I'm proud of us and I'm proud of you and proud of us.

Is it rude to ask, like, where the eggs come out of?

How dare you?

This rabbit has been giving birth every year since 1873.

Crack house pit bulls lead better lives.

You know what? You know what? I am wrung out like a flannel.

And you've done nothing but belittle me, him, and our community since we've

arrived. Boys, as an ally, I am mortified.

Do you know what? Save your apologies. He's due any minute in the birthing

process. It's literally one of the scariest things you can possibly

So we're leaving.

Help me up, Nick. Help me up. Give me your weight, baby. Don't drop me. Don't

drop me. Surrender to me. Okay, okay. Get the bag. Get the bag.

Get the car ready.

It's outrageous.

I don't know why we even bother.

And they come out the back.