Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

NARRATOR: New York City, Fashion Week.

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

But something's missing.

Danger, excitement...

Zoolander!

[ALL GASPING]

Windburn!

I think we hooked 'em, Zoo-Crew.

Now let's show them the Four Wonders of the Modern World.

[ALL CHEERING]

Derek, Hansel!

You saved my show!

No, Nani. Your amazing clothes saved the show.

It's an honor to wear the designs of

the fashion world's boy genius.

I'm a girl!

Derek! Hansel! You're not going to believe this!

One of the Kardashian sisters just got attacked by an alien.

Oh, no! Was it Khloe?

I don't know the name of the alien.

But you gotta stop that thing before it strikes again!

We're on it, Maury.

Falcon Claw!

[FALCON SCREECHING]

Always through the ceiling!

Yeah, I'll talk to him about it.

[HANSEL WHOOPING]

NARRATOR: In a loft in the heart of SoNoWoNoBoHo,

there lives the world's most handsome hero,

Zoolander, Super Model!

I'm not just a model. I'm also a superhero. And a model.

And his hot partner in sexy crime-fighting, Hansel.

Anybody up for a quick quinoa break?

Derek's looks are as powerful as they are beautiful.

Chillwave!

Together, they face down the dark forces of fashion.

[NARRATOR READING]

[SCREAMING]

[NARRATOR READING]

[NARRATOR READING]

[NARRATOR READING]

And Gorilla Galliano.

[ROARING]

Wherever good-looking people are in danger,

Derek and Hansel will be there.

Volumizing Hold!

With the help of their trusted agent

Maury Ballstein.

You want my boys to work for scale? What am I, a schmendrick?

Ace reporter Matilda Jeffries.

Cool, bronzer.

Why do I date you?

Their faithful sidekick, Accessory.

Their android stylist, Frankie J-PEG.

Ech! Those outfits are like Ech! Destroy.

And your narrator, me, Tim Gunn.

It's the thrilling adventures of

[ECHOING] Zoolander, Super Model.

An alien attacking celebrities?

Yikes! Maybe this flashback will explain.

[EXPLOSION]

Hot tomato soup!

[LAUGHS]

[ROARING]

[SCREAMING]

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

Where you going, tomato soup?

Tonight, we're launching the first

celebrity-branded particle accelerator.

Advanced particle physics isn't just for the Kardashians anymore.

For years, my sisters and I have been smashing

subatomic matter to recreate

the energies that existed a fraction of a second

after the Big Bang. Now you can, too!

Oh, my God!

You mean the "God particle," also known as the Higgs boson.

The red carpet!

It's alive!

[ROARING]

[SCREAMING]

[CHOMPING NOISE]

Not Khloe!

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[WHIMPERS]

Devoured!

The night she finally finds a flattering schmatta!

Carpets gave man their friendship, yet we walked all over them.

Cops couldn't capture it. They said

it was some kind of, like, alien.

It came from the stars, now it eats the stars!

Eh... What's next?

Okay, get this. Jake Gyllenhaal, [WOLF WHISTLING]

picking up after his dog, right?

And then...

We're not going to watch the story of Jakey Gylls?

Never mind. Downloaded.

You gotta stop this fakakta space rag before it shuts down the town.

Okay, bro-migo, ready to go munch on this carpet?

First we have to find it.

If you liked the taste of celebrity flesh, where would you go?

A deli that serves sandwiches named after celebrities.

Ooh! Have you had the Ryan Seacrest at Langer's?

It's like Ryan Seacrest is in your mouth.

Leighton Meester is having a party tonight

for her new perfume,

"Meestery,"

which is named after her name.

Good thinking, you big pile of bolts!

[DINGING]

Well, it's no "Meestery" where we'll be tonight.

Getting our weekly in-home deep-tissue pedicure and hot-rock colonic.

Or, we could go catch that Red Carpet.

You mean reschedule the colonic?

NARRATOR: Will our good-looking do-gooders stop the carnivorous carpet?

Will Frankie J-PEG confess his confidential crush?

And what about that colonic?

Find out in our next episode!

My schedule is insane, but I'll try to make it.

Broccoli again? Yuck.

Yuck indeed.

Derek Zoolander!

Growing bodies like yours need non-yucky food.

But you won't find it here. Come with me.

Suzie, school lunches are filled

with things you should never eat.

Like broccoli, apples and yellow stuff.

Look what happens to this kind of food when it enters your body.

Your stomach is like a VIP club,

and only certain food gets in.

Get the hell outta here with your beta-carotene.

Ah! Freakin' carrot thinks he can get in the club.

Nugget, please!

But anything from the Derek Zoolander food triangle is a-okay-o.

The first food group is pills.

The second is latte.

And the third and most important is energy drinks.

Now, I know you're thinking,

"Can I still have a cigarette between meals?"

Ew! No!

That's right, smoking is bad for you.

That's why nicotine comes in delicious flavors of gum,

like Mint, Cinnamon Surge and Orange Mocha.

My mom says nicotine's addictive.

Well, Suzie, is your mom a scientist?

No, she's a social media consultant for non-profits.

Exactly.

Who wants bubblegum?

[KIDS CHEERING]

So in collusion, nutrition, gum, club inside your body.

And that's Model Behavior.

NARRATOR: The launch party for Leighton Meester's new perfume.

It's light, classic, elegant.

Like putting Grace Kelly up your nose.

Leighton!

Matilda Jeffries, Celebrity Scandal Magazine,

but formerly Time and other serious things.

Are you afraid that the Red Carpet might strike tonight?

The only thing I'm afraid of is

running out of my new signature scent.

It's called "Meestery."

[COUGHING]

Because of my name.

"Meester."

Right, I got it. Thanks.

And also, the word "mystery." They sound alike.

Yeah, no, totally clear on that.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Please. We are here tonight as your protectors,

not as super beautiful celebrity models.

Hey. Get me from this side, boys.

My right dimp is 6 millimeets deeper.

Oh. Hello, Matilda Jeffries.

Reporter for Celebrity Scandal Magazine,

but formerly other stuff.

Derek. I didn't know you were coming.

How have you been since we broke up?

I haven't been crying every night, if that's what you're asking.

Derek, I still want to be friends.

I was so worried when I heard about the accident

with your new look, "Multi-Vitamin."

Inventing new looks can be dangerous.

They're not your run-of-the-mill cookie-cutter looks.

Except for "Run of the Mill" and "Cookie Cutter."

And me and you, just "friends"?

Excuse me, but back in the real world,

I have to go fight a big pile of red goo that eats people.

[GRUNTS] [GASPS]

What are you doing?

I'm saving you from this alien.

That's a faux leather shawl!

[STUTTERING]It won't be bothering you again,

and nice job being cruelty-free.

Scarlett Johansson! Over here! Who are you wearing?

Matilda, look out! Chai Latte!

Derek! What's gotten into you?

That was a L'Wren Scott!

I'm sorry. I was l'wrong.

And the past 30 seconds have made me realize

that I've been l'wrong about a lot of things.

This launch party's a diseester.

Mmm. A hint of seawater.

[SCREAMING]

[CHOMPING]

They're gone!

We're too Leighton!

She will be meesed.

NARRATOR: Such a sweet girl. Between her death and that L'Wren Scott tragedy,

the celebrity world grinds to a halt.

Everyone is seriously freaking out about the Red Carpet.

Even I'm staying home,

and I'd go to the opening of an envelope.

I mean, not literally. Envelopes are boring.

This is awful. Movie stars afraid

to take a stance against tornadoes.

Uh-oh. They just canceled the launch party

for that cola based on Vin Diesel's new novel.

The Red Carpet is threatening our way of life.

If celebrities stay home, how will society malfunction?

Well, if everyone's afraid to host an event,

then maybe we have to.

Our own party. Great plan, Hansel!

A trap to lure the Red Carpet. That makes sense.

[STAMMERS] That's what we meant.

Yeah, okay, sure.

We're on the same page.

Red Carpet trap.

[CHITTERS]

NARRATOR: Derek and Hansel are luring the Red Carpet to them

by staging a launch for a fake energy drink.

You know, I was approached for my own energy drink.

It was called "Put This Gunn In Your Mouth." Anyway...

Enjoy! It'll put the pep back in your pupik.

Anything out of the ordinary?

Well, Sarah Jessica Parker has really let herself go.

But other than that, no.

Oh! Tomato soup. We meet again.

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

Why you treat me like that, soup?

WOMAN: Hansel! Over here! Hansel!

[ROARS]

[SCREAMING]

What's wrong, not into heavy metal?

Because that's what I'm made of. I'm an android.

Hey! Red thingy!

Time for red to meet blue.

Blue Steel, that is.

[CHEERING]

We did it!

I was thinking, what if we actually did make an energy drink?

People seem pretty jazzed about the concept.

And the can's already designed.

DEREK: But I'm coming out with a line of premium fruit-infused vodkas.

We don't want confusion in the marketplace.

[SCREAMS]

It's going after Sarah Jessica Porker!

Sorry, Carpet, looks like this is one party we're...

Can't get clean shot!

Derek, don't! You'll hit me!

I'm sorry, did you say, "Do it, hit me"?

No! I said, "Don't do it, you'll hit me!"

Hansel, I can't hear you because

you're being eaten by the Red Carpet.

Okay, I'm gonna use my Hot Mess look and risk your life,

because you made me do it.

No! Not Hot Mess!

How could you do that?

I know. Somehow I found the courage.

That was a close one.

I thought I'd never hold you again.

I mean... Error 404 not found...

...see you again.

Beautiful people! Thank you for being our bait.

The threat is over. You are safe once again.

[CHEERING]

But not if you sipped this fake energy drink.

It's melted ice from the seafood case at D'Agostino's.

No one drank it, did they?

NARRATOR: Is this the last we've seen of the Red Carpet?

Yes. I can definitely say the Red Carpet is no more

and won't return to seek revenge.

And you can quote me on that.

Derek Zoolander?

Hey, Jeremy. How's the beverage business?

Terrible. It's like no one wants lemonade.

That's because you're not selling lemonade.

I'm not?

No, you're selling Jeremy. You just don't know it.

You see,

the key to any successful product is branding.

What you sell is less important than how you sell it.

That's why celebrities will attach their name to anything.

Two weeks on the market, it's already

the best-selling brand of camel milk.

Bucket or jar.

Wow!

You can do it, too!

Who's ready to suck down some Jeremy?

[ALL CHEERING]

Now isn't that better?

I've already expanded into new flavors.

Cherry, Watermelon and Appletini!

Just don't sell any camel milk.

You'll put me out of business.

And that's Model Behavior.

Perfect. It's blowing up on the celebrity baby blogs,

and I knew you'd love it.

[WHIMPERS]

Lunch time!

My favorite, tofu on the cob and a diet water. Yum!

Fresh protein powder?

Sold!

Oops.

My bad. Guess I owe you an apology.

That's what people do when they endanger their friends.

Apologize?

Why should I apologize for saving your life from the Red Carpet?

You almost set me on fire last night!

Okay, you want me to apologize?

Fine. I'm sorry that your looks don't give you superpowers,

and you have to rely on your little gizmos.

[MIMICS ELECTRONIC BEEPING]

Giz'mo you didn't!

You want to put your super-looks up against my Hanselventions?

Sustainable harvested bamboo nunchuks.

Chain's made of hemp.

Please, no fighting in front of the monkey!

Which look you going to pull out of your bag of tricks,

Multi-Vitamin?

We agreed we wouldn't talk about the Multi-Vitamin incident.

You mean, when you ruined our orgy by almost dying?

Oh, quit your bickering, boys!

How did you know we were arguing?

What? I was talking to my prostate and my urethra.

They are mixing it up today, I tell ya!

Just a few drops. Something.

We got an emergency.

You guys get your tucheses down to the

Gunther Geiger Grooming Gifting Suite!

On such short notice?

If we don't mentally prepare,

one look at all those new conditioners and we will totally freeze up.

You're not going for the free hair care products.

It's the Paparocto! He's holding

everyone in the suite for ransom!

That's horrible! Has he harmed any of the free hair care products?

NARRATOR: The Paparocto.

A camera-toting creep of criminality!

Only such a foul photographic fiend

would violate the sanctity of a gifting suite.

I hit the jackpot here, man. Look at you idiots.

Kellan Lutz! Gotcha.

Bethenny Frankel! Bang!

Season 15 Bachelorette Emily Maynard!

And here's a real big celebrity...

Rachel Bilson.

What is with all you ladies gaining weight?

Need my wide lens for this.

Ka-blam!

Okay, you know the drill.

I want $5 million, unmarked, out of sequence.

I want a chopper, two guns,

and a beautiful girl to escort me

who's very mean but then she's nice.

You got an hour before I start putting these suckers down,

starting with the D-listers.

5 million? In an hour?

That Bachelorette is toast. If she's not dead already.

She's fine for now, sir, look.

Now that's what I call fresh gossip.

No one beats Definitely Darren for hot scoops, sir.

I check it every morning.

Bethenny, show me your hostage face!

Why are you taking our pictures?

Haven't you done enough?

Check it, Rachel Bills, I got two revenue streams, girl!

Commit awesome crimes, sell photos of said crimes to the tabloids.

That's how 'Rocto gets paid.

Ever since... Ever since the accident. [ECHOING]

NARRATOR: Before he became the Paparocto,

Brock Principato was the most prolific paparazzo

from Sao Paulo to Pago Pago.

Whew! That's a mouthful.

Hey, gay kid from Glee!

[CHUCKLES] Booyah!

Until one day, Brock met a celebrity who'd had enough.

Katy Perry!

C'mon, one nip slip!

Flash me a whale tail!

Give me some pepperoni.

Stupid scumbag paparazzi piece of shit!

Leave me alone! I'm in a really emotional place.

My Tamagotchi just died.

Okay, Katy Perry can hit, no doubt.

Very painful.

Two ribs cracked.

Ow!

Katy Perry don't fuck around, bitch!

NARRATOR: Unfortunately for Brock,

neither does the US Military,

who happened to be transporting

radioactive waste that very night.

No! No!

Gotta sell these shots to

In Touch!

[GROANS]

What have I become? I'm a friggin' monster.

Oh, flavor-saver. Nice.

Hey, Demi Lovato! Don't you turn away from me!

Lindsay Lohan, show me your privates by accident.

So that's my origin story.

Now who should I kill first?

[LOUD CRASHING]

Let them go, Paparocto!

You've brought fear and destruction to a place of peace.

Hostage-taking goes against everything we believe in.

Like product placement. Ooh!

They have Gunther Geiger Grooming

Extra-Hold Texturizing Hair Putty

and Volumizing Gel.

Oh!

Ah! I can't see a thing!

Which way is the putty?

Yes!

No!

See, that's how you save a friend.

I'm not having this conversation now.

We need to rescue those samples.

Liquid Ice!

You could take that pretty little face right back

to SoHoNoWo... Wherever the hell you live.

Because ain't no way you're taking down the 'Rocto.

Ow!

I count four hostages but only one of them

famous enough to get invited to a gifting suite of this quality.

You know, I wasn't going to say anything,

but a Bachelorette and a Real Housewife?

Seriously?

Maybe they know somebody.

Gotcha!

I can't reach my weapons, Zoo.

And he's turned out the lights!

No, you idiot, I'm covering your face

so you can't make your stupid looks.

Ah! My one weakness.

My Achilles' face.

Time to take the most valuable paparazzi shots ever.

The deaths of Zoolander and Hansel!

Celebrity Scandal will pay a fortune.

I have an on-again, off-again relationship

with a reporter there if you need an in.

NARRATOR: Can our models/heroes escape the clutches

of this multi-armed menace?

Will I ever find something to wear to

Barry and Diane's thing tonight?

It's not like I didn't have time to plan.

Tim, why do you always wait until the last minute?

Hi, kids. I'm celebrity artist and pop star Katy Perry.

You may know me from my hit songs,

my movies, or my many restaurant reviews on Yelp.

I never knew there were so many shades of gray.

My friend Derek Zoolander asked me to talk to you

about an important skill every child needs to learn.

No, not reading.

Katy Perry! Katy Perry! Over here!

Dealing with the paparazzi.

Here's a trick that always works for me.

Let your People's Choice Award do the talking.

[GRUNTS]

If you don't have that handy,

your MTV Australia Award for Breakthrough Video will do.

Aah!

Katy! Darling! What do you think about

that thing that happened in the news?

If you left your awards in your other limo, don't worry.

There are lots of ways to hurt these douchebags.

[SCREAMS] My eyes! I need those!

Mmm. Yum!

I give this four Yelps!

So remember, kids, the paparazzi are soulless scum

who don't deserve to be treated like human beings.

What if you don't have a People's Choice Award?

[CHUCKLES] Even Selena Gomez has a People's Choice Award.

You're funny.

And that's Model Behavior.

See ya!

[KATY PERRY SONG PLAYING]

Hey! She was my ride.

NARRATOR: When last we left our heroes,

I needed something to wear to Barry and Diane's thing.

I settled on a fitted navy blazer with a paisley ascot.

And that Hermes belt really tied it together.

Meanwhile, Derek and Hansel sure are in trouble.

Hurry up and die.

Pictures of you two going tits up will be my biggest payday

since fat Rihanna.

Listen, the Paparocto.

Product placement will make your photos more valuable.

Move us in front of those bottles

of Gunther Geiger Grooming Citrus Hydrator and Smoothing Wax.

You're giving him pointers?

I mean, you're right, it's Modeling 101,

but Earth to Derek, he's trying to kill us.

Fine. Take your last breath, you gorgeous idiots.

Am I right in front of the display?

Not sure why you care so much, but yes.

[SCREAMS]

Double Rainbow!

Helvetica Bold!

ALL: Hooray!

Oh, man!

They took all the Gunther Geiger

Ultra Moisture Cucumber Body Paste.

Nice work, models. You saved the day.

No hard feelings, right, Derek?

We should get bottle service sometime.

Yep, everything's back to normal.

Or is nothing normal whatsoever?

Halle Berry, Eva Mendes, Rosie Huntington- Whiteley-Huntington.

Even Milla Jovovovich is joverweight.

It makes no sense.

Look, I know you're still angry

because I almost burned your face off.

But this crisis requires us to put aside such petty concerns.

Fine. But the second these ladies

are back to being fine as hell,

I get to be mad again.

That is the mature choice.

Pinkie shake.

So, what do we do about the yucky fat people?

Mmm. Lure them into a sweat lodge?

It'll shed those pounds, and bonus, vision quest.

No, we need to get to the bottom of this. Let's really think.

Anything?

Yes. I'm thinking about the new Marc Jacobs line.

He's doing wonderful things with alligator vinyl.

Yes, the number of overweight models and celebrities has spiked.

But I still don't see how that's a national security issue.

No, no. National "insecurity" issue.

It makes them in-secure, not secure-rer-er.

No, that's not... Forget it.

Is there anything else, because I have to get back to this story on

summer's flirty new tampons. God, I hate this job.

Matilda, celebrities don't just gain weight.

Can't you find a link or a pattern or... Wow.

That is a flirty new tampon.

Fine, you want me to look for a pattern,

I'll look for...

Wait a minute.

What? Did you "hack into a mainframe"?

Are we in the Matrix right now?

Matilda, can you hear me?

"Chloe, triangulate the signal!"

There might actually be a link.

These women all see the same doctor.

Dr. James Bentex of Beverly Hills.

Hmm. A plastic surgeon.

How do you know that? [CHUCKLES] Matilda...

You think there's a doctor in Beverly Hills

fixing a cold or a broken arm or

anything other than wrinkle lines?

"Oh! I have all this cancer. I better go to Beverly Hills."

Honestly, Matilda, sometimes you can be such a ding-a-ling.

[SIGHS] I'll go print out his address.

So, ready to go to California?

Honestly, I don't think we should

go on a vacation until we check out

this Doctor Bentex in Beverly Hills.

Good point. California will have to wait.

NARRATOR: Beautiful Beverly Hills. Land of sunshine,

palm trees and... Look, it's the guys fromEntourage!

So I booked this laxative commercial, which is great.

But it's not exactly what I ran away from home for.

Well, becoming a fashion model doesn't happen overnight,

even with a face as pretty as yours.

SHRILL VOICE: She's hideous!

I mean, you have a few blemishes.

A crease here and there...

Excuse me?

We need to fix her.

I need to fix her!

Just go, go, don't worry about the co-pay!

But what about my labioplasty?

You weakling! We have so much work to do.

No! I won't!

Oh, really?

Are those crow's feet, Doctor?

Ooh! A few more gray hairs today, Doctor.

I look distinguished. Leave me alone.

I want to help you, James.

Help you look your best.

That's it. Make yourself beautiful

and uncage me!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Mr. Doctor? Hello.

[EXCLAIMS] Just a moment!

What an honor it is to have the great Derek Zoolander in my office.

And Hansel!

Yeah, about the pictures...

Hmm. They are a cause for concern.

I'll talk to my patients and stress

the importance of regular exercise

and sound nutritional choices.

But they know all that stuff, Doctor.

They're celebrities, not regular people.

I don't know what... [CLEARS THROAT]

What else I can tell you.

Okay, you've been very helpful.

Yeah, we'll get out of your way.

They're on to us, you fool!

No, stop! I won't look at you!

Dr. Bentex, it's my chin, isn't it?

You think it needs re-sculpting?

[STAMMERING] What? No, it looks fine.

Doc, do you do eyeball bleaching?

Let me handle them!

No, I won't!

Okay, what about ball waxing? Nipple reduction?

Release me!

Taint rejuvenation?

Nostril removal?

Armpit extensions? Kneecap lifts?

Eyelash rejuvenation?

Belly button reversal?

Earlobe extensions?

Placenta implantation?

Belly button removal?

Earlobe-ectomy?

Circumcision removal?

Butthole enhancement?

Forehead tucks? Urethra tightening?

Urethra loosening?

Just leave me alone!

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

Is that equine Botox? I've been trying to get my hands on that.

You mean, your hooves.

How long have you thought that?

Sorry, gentlemen, but the office is now closed.

Okay, then could we get a forehead shot for the road, or...

Hey! You look different.

You have some work done, Dr. Bentex?

Bentex? He's more wrinkled than a turtle scrotum. I am...

[SHOUTING] Dr. Botoxo!

Dude, equine Botox is intense.

You'll never stop me, you ugly freaks!

Norwegian Fjord!

You're insane, Botoxo! How could you think we're ugly?

[SCREAMING]

Zoo!

Stone Phillips!

Listen? No, you listen. Are you listening to me?

[ALARM BLARING] [STAMMERING] Wait. Jared, say that again,

there's some kind of superhero battle going on.

What is going on?

[WHIMPERS]

[SCREAMS]

[GASPS] [GASPS]

Hashtag Zoolander!

[YELLS]

[THUD]

You're a disgrace to the noble profession of plastic surgery.

I'm starting to think it was you who fattened up the hotties.

You're... You're only realizing that now?

Got him, got him, that was a confession, that counts.

Now tell us how you did it.

Even better, I'll show you!

Clothes getting tight! And not in a hipster way.

No. No! [CACKLING

Come on, we have to stop him!

Please, small child, help me! I won't eat you.

[SCREAMS]

NARRATOR: Derek and Hansel turned zaftig?

Could anything be more embarrassing?

Now who will save America's fabulous femmes?

Please don't let this be the end! It's not? Oh, good.

They're all so beautiful.

Hi, Suzie! [YELLS]

It's me, Derek Zoolander.

I know who you are. How did you get into my house?

It looks like someone needs to improve her self-esteem

so she can be happy with herself.

And the best way to be happy with yourself

is through plastic surgery.

What?

If you start saving your allowance,

you could afford a nose job by the time you're 12. Look!

And how about a face peel? Tummy tuck? Brow de-browing.

Dimplantation. Boob enlargification. Tushy lift.

Once you look beautiful, you'll feel beautiful.

Just ask my beautiful friend Leighton Meester.

Derek, I thought we were here to talk about self-esteem.

Children getting plastic surgery is not cool.

Oh, seriously? You don't think this girl needs plastic surgery?

She's clearly already had plastic surgery.

And now she needs dimple extraction,

boob un-bigging and a tushy drop.

So, we agree?

Yes. That you are wrong.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Exactly, Suzie.

Some people need plastic surgery of the brain.

So remember, get a checkup from your family plastic surgeon.

And that's Model Behavior.

Wait a second, I don't condone that at all, that's...

NARRATOR: Derek Zoolander, the biggest model in the fashion universe,

is now the biggest model in the fashion universe.

He and Hansel are blubbery victims of Dr. Botoxo's fat ray.

Good Lord, what would happen if I became obese?

Don't think about it, Tim, don't think about it, don't think about it.

[GRUNTING]

[BLOWING]

[GROANS] This weight is gunking up my chakras.

[GRUNTS]

Octavia! You spent the night? Right on.

'Tave? 'Tavy? Derek, what are we going to do?

I'm so fat, it's like I have my own area code.

I'm so fat, if I stood on a scale,

it would say, "To be continued."

Dude, I'm so fat, I have more rolls than a pastry truck.

Look at me. I'm so fat, I have more chins than a phonebook

for a neighborhood like Chinatown

that's home to a lot of people with the last name "Chin."

You guys wanted a makeover?

I don't know what I'm going to make over. Your big fat bodies?

Yeah, something fresh and fun.

To take the attention off the morbid obesity of it all.

Honestly, you don't look...

That bad... You know, just...

Initiate vomit sequence.

Sorry, that was an over...

...reaction.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

There's Hansel. He's so fat right now.

Didn't that used to be Derek Zoolander?

[TIRES SCREECH] [CRASHING]

Mila! Mila, over here.

What do you think about Rachel Bilson getting fat?

I can't let Mila Kunis see me like this.

She'll never orgy with me again!

Dr. Botoxo!

[BOTH PANTING]

[LAUGHING]

Derek, Hansel!

What do you think about Mila Kunis getting fat?

What do you think about you getting fat?

Fat, fat, fat! [LAUGHS]

Jackals! You're monsters! Fabrizio, how's the new baby?

Leave us alone!

[ENGINE REVVING]

Look, it's not that bad. No publicity is bad publicity.

I beg to differ Maury Ballstein.

There was no pizza floating in the air.

I definitely would've remembered pizza in the air.

Okay, I booked some work to show people you can still move product.

We're going to turn this thing around like it's a tranny hooker!

I knew Balls Models wouldn't let us down. What have you lined up?

You two are the new poster butts for Chunky Boy Sweatpants.

And local news needs more stock footage

of fat people from the neck down.

WOMAN: Grim statistics tonight on diabetes. Are you at risk? Yes.

They wouldn't even show our fat faces?

And we're at risk of diamond-beanies.

Derek!

Matilda!

I knew you of all people wouldn't judge me.

No, of course not.

[SNIFFS]

Is that hot dog water?

Where? Do you have more hot dogs?

I'll take a hot dog.

Oh, Matilda, this is literally the worst thing that could happen to us

or to the millions who look to us for

moral guidance and grooming tips.

Okay, first of all, being overweight

is not the worst thing in the world.

I was once fat.

Ew! We agreed you'd never talk about that.

Second, having a few overweight celebrities

might be a positive.

For years, we've been fed media images of impossibly skinny models.

Maybe now, women won't feel as much pressure to starve themselves.

[CHUCKLES]

Awesome joke, Matilda. But let's focus.

[SCREECHES]

What is it, Accessory? Do you need to make poo poo?

[ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, no. Matilda's right. Women are emulating these obese celebrities.

This could trigger a fat epidemic

the likes of which we haven't seen since the Cola Wars.

Or the Cuban pudding crisis. Hansel?

Sorry, there's an episode of Unwrapped on Hostess Fruit Pies.

Apple's the most popular. Who knew?

But wait, why would Dr. Botoxo want women to gain weight?

Plastic surgeons make women thinner. What's in it for him?

Nani?

Mmm. Could use a tuck here.

Ooh! Now who's gorgeous?

Ugh! Botoxo, you're gross.

How are the fat boys?

[BOTH LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

They used to be like...

[WHIMPERING]

Now they're more like...

[GROWLING]

Nani? Put on your coat, honey.

Don't want you catching cold in your drafty play lair.

Dad! It's not a "play" lair. It's just a lair.

And do you think I'd wear this?

It looks like Badgley Mischka on Adderall!

[SCREAMS]

I only wear my own dresses!

Or Rodarte!

Oh, I thought you'd like the panda.

Did you see the panda on it?

You're an idiot, Dad.

And you dress like a greeter at Sam's Club who got fired by Walmart

for dressing like a dipshit.

Khaki pleats? Are you kidding me? Seriously!

Are you kidding me right now?

You know, if it fits okay and the price is right, what more do I need?

Anyway, you two talk about the final phase of your evil plan.

I'll just sew this back together and return it to the mall.

Ugh. Dads are the worst.

I actually have a good relationship with mine.

NARRATOR: What is Nani's ultimate plan? Can fat Zoolander stop her?

And why does she have to be so hard on her dad?

I mean, I don't have kids myself... That I know of!

My own computer! So cool!

Look out, Jeremy!

I just saved you from catching a virus. You're welcome.

My parents just bought me that.

Are your parents evil monsters?

Because computers are the most dangerous danger in your house.

Let me show you how stupid your parents are.

Frankie, access the wide world of web.

Okay, but the Wi-Fi in here is really just a big bag of "ugh."

Jeremy, rule number one. Never Internet on socialized media.

Because my privacy will be compromised

by unscrupulous marketers?

No, because you'll see photos of parties you weren't invited to.

Turn it off, they're having so much fun without me!

You think that's bad, you should see the animated GIF

of Taylor Swift trying on fake glasses.

But computers' even worse problem is this.

Cats. Trapped inside. And they look hungry.

[YOWLS]

Gosh, Derek Zoolander.

And I thought the worst thing about computers was all the trolls.

[YELLS] Trolls! Where?

And finally, but last,

the most important computer safety rule of all.

Don't watch tiny cartoons based on regular-sized movies.

You have much better things to do with your time.

Who are you looking at?

And that's Model Behavior.

NARRATOR: Nani, the dastardly damsel of design,

number one on Vogue's "Top 12 Couturiers Under 12,"

is the fiend behind the fat!

But why turn the world's most glamorous celebrities

into pudgy piggies?

If I ever stop talking, maybe we'll find out.

That's it, fatten up, just like your idols.

Soon you'll only be able to wear my new clothing line.

Size Triple Extra Mega Large!

Three times the material, four times the price!

It's the most awesome fashion crime since Juicy made it cool

to have a word on your butt.

[CHUCKLES] Butt.

Just tell me who I get to inflate next. Jessicas Alba and Biel?

Kates Hudson and Bosworth?

Jones January and Cusack?

Speaking of inflated...

Oops. My apologies.

Oh, you don't have to apologize. Dad!

You apologize to Dr. Botoxo right now!

Okay. Uh, I'm sorry that I got your cellulite on my face.

Leave it on, Dad! You leave that man's fat on your face.

[GROANS]

Sure thing, sweetie.

Doctor B, our next target is the bestest one yet.

The leading light of fashion.

Once she's ginormous, millions of women will be like...

[MIMICS CHOMPING]

Tonight, at the No More Tubby Toddlers fundraiser, you will obesify

Heidi Klum.

[RINGING]

[GROANS]

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Pizza!

Hi. You order 20 pizzas?

And 8,000 breadsticks.

They're backing up the truck now. Yeah, so, it's, like, done.

[GASPS]

Hansel! It's Accessory! He's infiltrated Nani's lair.

It says, "Tonight at fumdraiser..."

[SCOFFS] "Fundraiser."

Honestly, what is the point of having a monkey who can't type?

"Target is Heidi Klum."

[GASPS] Heidi is the leading light of fashion.

Nani's scheme is even more horrific than we thought.

We have to do something.

"We"? We can barely stand up.

This is our duty.

With great cheekbones comes great responsibility.

Every schoolchild knows that.

Earth to Derek, our cheekbones, they're gone.

Buried. And I think I'm starting to get acne.

It's like backne for your face.

I can't go out in front of people like this, Z.

I won't. I won't.

It's too painful.

So you're going to stay here and eat pizza all day?

Of course not. I'm also going to have a hamburger.

You mean, soyburger.

No, Derek. A hamburger. Made out of real ham.

[GASPS] Look at you. You've given up on everything you hold sacred.

Everything that makes Hansel Hansel.

I'm sorry, but I'm a model.

If I'm not dangerously thin anymore, then I'm nothing.

[CHAIR BEEPING]

It's wonderful to have such an esteemed designer

supporting our anti-obesity efforts.

I guess you know what it's like to be a kid yourself.

First of all, I'm 126 months old.

And second, I think it's important to stay fit.

Even a model like you must struggle with your weight.

Oh, no, I'm naturally thin.

Oh. [CHUCKLES] We'll see about that.

Excuse me?

I said, "We'll see about that."

Because I'm not sure that will always be the case.

What I mean is, I'm not convinced that you will be thin forever.

Something might happen to you.

Uh, I have to give my speech now.

[ALL APPLAUDING]

Thank you, you are so kind. Rich ladies and gentlemen,

tonight we have a chance to do something good

about a thing that is bad.

Your support of No More Tubby Toddlers tells childhood obesity

that it can hit the road!

We want to say, "Goodbye, childhood obesity.

"You dropped by, and you crashed with us for a while,

"but it's, like, enough already..."

[HEART BEATING SLOWLY]

[WAITER WHISTLING]

No!

[ALL GASPING]

Zoolander!

Nani. And to think I once modeled your clothes.

How could a little boy be so heartless?

I'm a girl!

You're certainly acting like one.

It's too late. Not even you can stop

the obesification of Heidi Klum. Henchmen!

Squeeze him like a blueberry.

More like a Blue-Steel-Berry.

[GRUNTING]

Oh, no! My face is too fat! My looks don't work.

Hansel was right.

Hansel was wrong!

You came!

I may be depressed, ashamed, and covered in face backne.

But I couldn't fit the couch into my bedroom. So...

Hansel, let's never argue again.

Unless we disagree on something

or have a difference of opinion.

That leaves it pretty wide open, doesn't it?

Hey! I make the rules on when we get to argue!

What? Says who?

You guys are so over!

Oh, no! It's speeding up our metabocalysms!

I guess this is it. Vaya con Dios,DZ.

I know we fought a lot, but... Are those bacon-wrapped dates?

Oh, score.

[SQUEALS]

We're alive! And we're really, really

ridiculously good-looking again.

Stupid chimp! Why must you be so cute?

Magnetic North!

Dr. Botoxo won't be terrorizing anyone again.

Thank you, Mark Wahlberg. Oh, Hansel, how can I repay you?

BOTH: Threesome. Gruppensex.

Nani, you're triple extra mega caught.

Nani?

Nani? Where'd that little boy go?

[SCREAMING]

It's okay, pumpkin. Sometimes evil plans don't work out.

Now who wants some of Daddy's double choco s'mores bars, huh?

Who does? I think you do. Do I have a customer here? [LAUGHING]

Let's do it.

How does he not know I'm a girl?

Get out! I'm sick of your stupid face.

It's a stupid, stupid face, Dad.

Yeah, no argument there.

Now I'll never achieve global fashion domination.

Or get my own phone.

Dad? The ceiling's leaking blood again.

[ROARS]

Well, hello, kitty.

[MEOWING]

We are going to be best friends.

[LAUGHS]

Earth to Jeremy, what was that all about?

I recycled my water bottle.

Why use a water bottle when you can carry a reusable thermos

and be better than everybody?

Thanks, Frankie.

No problem. Just give me, like,

five minutes and we can go again.

Come along, Jeremy, and I'll show you

other tricks to stop the environment.

Turning on your car uses up lots of energies.

That's why I keep mine running all day.

Hey, Accessory. Circle the block

a few times to keep the tires warm.

I'll only be another several hours.

You're welcome, trees!

Did you know your plasma TV also causes the environment?

That's why I only turn it on to watch

important things like the news.

I love 1996.

Dude, remember Tamagotchis?

A hot tub generates lots of hot,

and that's before people take off their bathing suits

to reveal their bathing suit areas.

You can harness that hotness to enwarmulate your house.

Come on, girls.

Whoa!

[SHRIEKS]

Flying in the Z Plane is super cool, but it's tough on Mama Earth.

Especially when we use it to go to the store.

[CAR ALARM BLARING]

Wait, this store doesn't sell thermoses.

Let's go to that great little thermos boutique in Ibiza.

Um, you can just let me off here. Oh!

And that's Model Behavior.

[COUGHS]

NARRATOR: Milan, Italy. According to Wikipedia,

it's the international capital of fashion.

Also according to Wikipedia, I'm 63 years old? Oh, please.

Danielle, how do I fix this?

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[CHOKING]

Sweetie? Yeah, the Italian fella's dead.

I still don't understand why I had to dress up as a woman.

Okay, you're the boss!

How does it feel to be the stars of Fashion Week again

after your horrifying brush with obesity?

It feels pretty amazing, D'Jangelo.

Like when I went wind-cycling over the Andes

with Noam Chomsky and Earl Sweatshirt.

Or like the softness of your skin. Do you moisturize?

Just three times a day with pomegranate extract.

I would love to get some of that all over me,

and by "that," I mean your skin.

Yes, and we'd like to say to everyone watching this TV show...

Webcast.

Bless you. That after what we went through,

we have newfound respect for the morbidly obtuse.

Now if you'll excuse us, we have masseusseses waiting.

Oh, no. There's been another tailor murder.

Matilda? We don't talk about murder during our post-show cooldown.

Unless it's like, "Hansel, you totally

"murdered those flat-front capris."

Which I did.

Listen. All five victims were official tailors

for the leaders of their countries.

Brazil, France, China, England, now Italy.

This could be the biggest fashion conspiracy in history!

If I crack this story, I might get

snapped up by a real magazine again.

Like Men's Health for Women?

Derek, I need to go to Europe to investigate. Will you come with me?

Europe? Well, I have always wanted to see the Grand Canyon.

Hold it, he's not going anywhere.

It's the middle of Fashion Week,

and we need to replace all the revenue we lost

when these boychiks were bloated.

That's right, Matilda. I can't just put my career on hold.

Why is it always the man who has to sacrifice his ambitions?

Fine. Never mind. I'll bring you back a baguette from Paris.

You know I can't have carbs!

Forget about her. You're better off without that... Oof!

You're right, Maury, she is such an oof.

No, it's my kidney. It's got arthritis.

What's that?

Experimental meds from Mexico.

Dangerous and cheap.

These could choke a rhino. Biggest throat in the animal kingdom.

What is this?

Ah! That's my bronzer!

This cooldown is torquing into the ground, hard.

Worst cooldown ever.

Yeah, tell me about it. You want to get out of here?

Maybe we just go, like, change each other's oil?

It's just an idea. But, like, probably a really good one.

It says "Not for human consumption."

Maury, did you human-consumpt it?

[YELLING]

Oy vey!

Maury? Don't freak out,

but I think you might be allergic to something.

Oh!

Giant Ballstein!

[ROARING]

Kishka! Bubkes! Fakakt!

Are you okay? You came very close

to his ridiculously oversized genitals.

He's heading for Alberta Ferretti's fall collection!

Oy gevalt!

Gunther Geiger Grooming!

I got sponsored.

[ROARS]

It's gonna be okay, clothes!

Hey!

Hey!

Okay, Maury, this has to stop.

You're supposed to represent models, not kill them, remember?

They're like cantaloupes with afros!

This is D'Jangelo reporting live

from the Giant Ballstein attack at Fashion Week.

Well, it's not actually live, it's a webcast,

we upload it later.

God, I wish I was on regular TV.

Can someone please give this online series a TV deal?

[YELLING] [SCREAMS]

D'Jangelo! I'm coming, d'jon't panic!

[D'JANGELO SCREAMING]

Don't hit the girl!

What about the well-endowed giant with the back hair?

Fire at will.

Static Cling!

Sorry, but he's our agent.

Our lifeline to free eye de-puffering products.

You understand.

Maury, put her down!

She's too hip and multiracial to die.

[LAUGHS]

These are his pills.

"Deoxy, maltose."

[STUTTERING]

"Drink with milk"!

Lyrical Beauty of a Terrence Malick Film!

Help!

Hansel! Slash and splash!

[GROANING]

I don't remember taking a shvitz.

[GRUNTS] Hey, caramel. Mocha? Caramel.

Oh, God, his enormous balls grazed you, didn't they?

So much texture.

Yes, it is awful what happened to the President's tailor,

but it will not affect Monsieur President at all.

I assure you, he will have enough clothes

for tomorrow's Global Economic Summit.

[LAUGHS]

Did Henri have any enemies?

He was a tailor, not Juliette Binoche.

I suppose you could ask his replacement.

His replacement?

There he is now.

The French President's new wardrobe consultant.

Nani's dad!

Oh, hey, Matilda Jeffries! Great to see you!

Oh, no.

I was filled with such rage.

The last time I was that angry

was when Katz's phased out the lamb tongue.

Where's a guy gotta go to get a slab of tongue

with a side of floymn tzimes?

You know, you did kill a model.

We should probably deal with that. [CELL PHONE RINGS]

[GASPS]

Oh, my God! What is it?

Rachel Zoe just tweeted that blacks and whites are in for fall?

Oh, and I just got a text.

Matilda has been kidnapped!

Oh, hello, I'm Frankie J-PEG, fabulous robot stylist

for Derek Zoolander and the beautiful Hansel.

That guy's like a white chocolate bonbon.

Today, I want to talk to all the young robots out there

who are bullied, who are confused,

who feel like they're the only robots in the world.

Let me tell you, there's nothing wrong with your programming.

There's no reason to deactivate yourself.

I'm here to tell you that it gets upgraded.

[TUNE PLAYING]

Like many of you, I was manufactured in a small town.

And I felt alone. There were no other robots around.

I was mistreated by the other kids.

They didn't like me, just because I was a machine

capable of carrying out a complex

series of actions automatically.

I retreated into myself and my robot music.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

My parents didn't understand me.

"Why can't you accept me for who I am?"

[BUZZING]

Then I moved to New York City, a robot paradise.

I discovered robot dance clubs,

robot bathhouses,

and of course, the Robot Pride Parade.

And every day, old prejudices get deleted.

We're winning the right to be legally compatible,

and to execute commands for our military.

So all you robots out there, and toasters and blenders,

and even you guys collecting pebbles on Mars,

remember, it gets upgraded.

[LOUD MUSIC PLAYING] Oh!

This is my jam! Initiate Funkiness Protocol.

NARRATOR: Ah, Paris, a city without equal.

A city of culture, of thought, of love.

Hemingway called it "a moveable feast."

[SPEAKING FAST] And this is where the 10-year-old fashionista Nani

has captured Matilda because she was investigating

the murdered tailors, which is part of some scheme

relating to the Global Economic Summit.

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

[SPEAKING NORMALLY] Is any place more romantic than Paris?

Why, Nani? Why kill those tailors

and replace them with your minions?

Because I want these world leaders to dress their best

at the Global Economic Summit.

In my neckties!

[ROARING]

The Red Carpet?

I was able to replicate it, control it.

We're kindred spirits, this alien and I.

We both crave power. We both hate Derek Zoolander.

Oh, and we both love One Direction.

You're going to kill the world leaders?

Because of their restrictive tariff policies on industrial textiles?

Okay, I am so not trending you right now.

I'm after something bigger. Something I've wanted since I was a kid.

Global fashion domination!

With the Red Carpet around their necks,

I can force the world's leaders to outfit their armies,

their policemen, doctors, fast-food cashiers in Nani-wear.

Think about it, the entire world, wearing my designs!

You're insane. Dad, bring in the models.

Absolutely. But if we did want to go check out the Louvre,

it closes in an hour.

Dad!You're right. Evil plan, then museum.

When my super cool scheme is complete,

everyone from soldiers in Sri Lanka to mailmen in Mexico

will wear my uniquely outrageous designs,

which Vicemagazine called "Holla!"

I will dress the globe!

And if the government people refuse,

then they'll get a Windsor knot they'll never forget.

Your plan won't work. Derek and Hansel will stop you.

Oh, they'll try, but this time,

I've brought backup!

To, like, kill them.

[CHUCKLES] That's my girl!

I've totally triangulated Matilda's phone to the Palais Garnier.

These satellite images show Nani arriving in Paris

with what appears to be the Red Carpet.

They must be planning to attack the Global Economic Summit.

Me and Banksy checked into a day rehab for shroom-balling,

and I walked by a TV showing CNN, okay?

I tried to drown it out, but some of it got through!

Matilda is our priority.

She's in this mess because I put my career above her.

If anything happens, I'll never forgive myself.

It'll be up to you guys to forgive me.

Already forgiven, pal.

[LOUD EXPLOSION]

We've been hit![ALARM BLARING]

[CHITTERING]

A missile? But I thought this plane was missile-proof.

[CHITTERING]

Missile-resistant? What's the difference?

Hansel, if we're about to die,

I need to upload my true emotions about you.

[CHITTERING] [BUZZES]

You saved us, Accessory,

but the new plane will have to come out of your banana budget.

Sorry, but we can't make ejecting out of planes a habit.

[CHITTERS SADLY]

Either the people of France hate planes,

or Nani knew we were coming.

WOMAN: Of course she knew.

That's why she sent us to welcome you.

The Slit Skirt!

NARRATOR: From around the world, well, LA and New York,

Nani has recruited Derek Zoolander's deadliest foes.

[NARRATOR READING]

How are we possibly gonna beat them? I mean, we'd have to...

[NARRATOR CONTINUES READING]

The Star Fucker.

So I was in the Virgo cluster with Olivia Wilde,

you know Livvy. Yeah, she's great.

Okay, we need to come up with a strategy.

If we're gonna get past them and find Matilda...

[NARRATOR READING]

[DUBSTEP PLAYING]

[GROWLS]

Everyone spread out.

We'll have to pick them off one by one if...

NARRATOR: Muffin Top, Butterface,

The Blazer, Psy-Clops,

Kate Moth, Tyra-saurus Banks,

Darc Jacobs, Skinny Gene,

The Uggs, The Crocs,

Count Drake-ula and Werewolf Blitzer.

Breaking news, I am going to eat you.

Let's do this. Wait, not yet.

My tuches!

NARRATOR: It's about to go down, the epic battle

of good-looking versus evil to decide the fate of fashion.

But there appears to be room for one more.

Tim Gunn?

Let's make it work, you sons of bitches.

Hey, Suzie.

Hey, Jeremy.Oh!

Again? Now what?

Looks like Suzie's not giving you the time of day,

which I think is noon-thirty.

Yeah. I even wore my new shorts.

The problem is, you're walking by her,

but you need to be walking by her.

What are you talking about? [YELLING]

To get people's attention, you need to have confidence and style.

Unreal cheekbones don't hurt.

Look how I own this room.

[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING]

[GROANS]

[WHISTLING AND CHEERING]

Now you try.

Be more confidental! No smiling!

This is a fashion show, not a hot-rock colonic.

[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL CLAMORING] Jeremy!

Over here, over here.

That's the spirit. Now, what was that problem you were having?

Something about a girl?

Who cares?

And who are you? Where's my diet water?

And that's Model Behavior.

NARRATOR: When we last left our stylish ensemble,

little Nani, the felonious fashion phenom,

had recruited all of Derek Zoolander's most evil foes

for a battle royal in the heart of Paris.

Move over, guys!

Oh, screw this.

Maury-Hulk smash! [ROARS]

[SCREECHING]

[GRUNTING]

Oh, such withering glares.

If Derek and his friends can't defeat these creeps of couture,

the leaders at the Global Economic Summit

will be defenseless against Nani and the Red Carpet.

[SING-SONG] Recap.

Nani's friends are doing a bang-up job out there.

Good on them.

How could you let your daughter do something so despicable?

[CHUCKLES] I take it you don't have children?

You see, I believe in encouraging

what your child is interested in.

I have an older son, Elliott.

He loves the clarinet.

So we pay for his lessons, take him to the orchestra,

I chaperoned his jazz trio when they got to play at SeaWorld.

Now with Nani,

she's always been interested in

fashion-based criminal activity.

So that's what I help her with.

That is what being a dad's all about.

Anyway, let's get that gag back in.

[MUFFLED YELLING]

[YAPS]

[CHITTERS]

Jungle Fever!

Oops.

Gentlemen, we just solved world hunger and global warming.

This is the most productive meeting we've ever had.

Who's up for ending discrimination of any kind? [GASPS]

[GROWLING]

Hi, guys! Is it too late to add something to your agenda? LOL.

So guess what? You're going to outfit all your grown-ups,

I'm talking armies, navies,

the lady who gives you the sticker at the doctor,

exclusively in Nani couture.

Korea, your cops are going to rock my two-tone fur tuxedos.

Uruguay, I've designed chenille and nylon jumpsuits

for your firefighters.

But that is highly flammable!

OMG, what was I thinking?

Fashion over function, Uruguay!

[CHOKING]

Anyone else want to be all like, "That is highly flammable"?

How about you, Finland?

Good. Then give the order to your

interior secretaries or treasury people...

Look, I'm a fourth grader,

I don't know how to run your dumb countries.

Just pass a law or whatever.

[GROWLING]

Tim Gunn pulled into the Glory Hole...

There's a joke to be made here, but I'm not touching it.

Oh, my God!

Yo. Give me a boost, Evil Kanye West!

[SPEAKING APE LANGUAGE]

You're in the Situation Room!

[HOWLING]

Doesn't look good, amigo. We're outnumbered.

Or are we?

Yeah, there's like 20 of them.

And there's only four of us,

plus a monkey and Tim Gunn.

Or is there?

I'll count again if you want, but...

Wait a minute, DZ.

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

I haven't actually said it, but yes.

You can't try that look. It almost killed you.

I'm more powerful now. I can do it. I have to do it.

For Matilda.

Okay. For Matilda.

I'll distract them. I hope I'll be seeing more of you.

Multi-Vitamin!

[GRUNTING]

Hey. Great cheekbones.Nice outfit.

You work out? What's your moisturizing regimen?

You can hardly tell you've had work done.

Are you a member of Soho House? I have to borrow those pants.

Didn't we meet at that thing for Gisele?

[SHRIEKING]

Take that, Hipster Beards!

You can't kill me! I've got a listening party tonight for CeeLo!

[ROARS]

Ahh!

That's not possible! A whole truck of pate?

We are definitely in France.

Let her go, Nani's dad!

Derek!

No! You killed him!

Oh, no. No. Oh!

Trevor, what have you done? Ah!

I just wanted my beautiful little girl to be happy.

I didn't want to kill Derek Zoolander. Geez.

Well, only one thing left to do!

[GUNSHOT]

[SCREAMING]

Gosh darn it, Trevor, can't you do anything right?

Ohh!

I am so sorry about all of this.

Would you mind finishing me off?

Sorry, half-head.

There'll be no more shame-shooting today.

Derek? But how did...

Multi-Vitamin? I thought that was too risky.

You're worth the risk.

He was a good Zoolander.

I'm just gonna take his watch. It's a Movado.

[CHOKING]

This is epic!

China's entire military

in deconstructed dolphin skin wedding dresses.

They're inspired by Siamese Dream,

which is like my all-time favorite Smashing Pumpkins album.

I'm into a lot of stuff from before I was born.

Hansel?

Nani, your fashion show is over!

You killed Jose Artitas, President of Uruguay!

Damn it, CNN.

I love your look.

The sandals give it a flowy, '70s,

Joni Mitchell, Laurel Canyon vibe.

But you're not going to stop me. Red Carpet, reassemble!

You're going to fight with a hairbrush?

Or do you just want to look good before I make you all dead?

Oh, I always look good.

I mean, sure, I need a spirulina smoothie

in the morning to feel good, but...

[LAUGHS]

Where do you think you're going?

As soon as it's done eating Hansel,

it's going right back on your necks.

LOLOL.

You use LOL at strange times.

[GROWLING]

Hansel!

Frankie, what are you doing?

Hansel, you hacked into my heart drive,

and so remember this fabulous bucket of bolts and circuits

was capable... Capable of loving you.

Initiate self-destruct. Oh, there's the Musee d'Orsay!

Oh, Frankie. If only I had been gay and into robots,

but everyone knows I'm bi and into mannequins.

My Red Carpet! He was just a deadly alien monster.

What did he ever do to you?

Ow!

That's my fashion-designing hand!

Without the Red Carpet, you've got nothing, Nani.

You're just a scared little boy.

Girl, girl, girl!

A scared, confused little boy.

Don't come any closer, Zoolander,

or the President of the Republic of Chad gets it!

Good try, but there is no "Republic of Chad."

Here's a message from the Commonwealth of Derek.

Crushed Denim!

[SCREAMS]

No!

We did it, Hansel.

The world is safe from Nani's fashion terrorism.

But Derek, Chad is a real country.

I know because I once had a three-way with a model from Chad,

and Chad Lowe.

Oh, well, it sounds pretty fake.

Don't worry. I caught Chad.

Good work, Derek!

Take him away!

"Take her away." I'm a girl.

I've got a feeling we'll be seeing Nani again.

[MOANING]

Nice. You earned it, guys.

[LOUD MUSIC PLAYING]

A toast! To Matilda's new job at The New York Times.

Well, technically, it's captioning their Instagram feed,

but there's a lot you can get across

when you're limited to just a few...

Frankie Two? A refill?

Hey! Frankie Two?

Oops. I guess I was rebuilt with, like, 80% more cattiness.

Now D'Jangelo has to take off her shirt,

which will lead to us having sex, so,

thanks, Frankie Two.

[BUZZING]

That's fantastic! No, you're the schmuck.

That was Donna Karan.

She wants you to be the new faces of her spring line.

That is, if you can take a break from stopping no-goodniks

and finally focus on your careers.

Of course, Maury. We don't need

to solve every crisis that comes along.

We're just models. [CRASHING]

Attention! Our day of vengeance is at hand!

All models who have ever worn the skins of our brethren

line up against the wall!

NARRATOR: How will our heroic hunks stop these blood-crazed critters?

Tune in next time... Oh, what's that?

This is the last chapter?

Well, someone write some fan fiction. Please! I need closure!

All right, Accessory, we'll be out all night

at this benefit for children with bad fashion sense.

I don't want you getting into any trouble while we're gone.

Don't break my trophies for Most Best Model,

or spill Hansel's jar of gluten-free gluten.

And whatever you do,

don't open this box of poisonous snakes

I received as a gift from Harmony Korine.

I don't even want to think about

how much trouble that would cause. [CHITTERS]

Okay, bye!

[DOOR CLOSES]

MAN: [ON RADIO] Private equity fund managers are reducing their investments

after news of the government bailout.

The European rescue fund

would protect France and Italy from any risk

spreading from the crisis in Spain.

But in the US Congress, the joint "Super Committee" has only

three weeks to come up with a deficit-reduction plan.

[HISSING]

You stayed out of trouble like always.

No matter how crazy life gets, you really keep me centered.

Good night, son.