Original subtitles

Whoever said that a week's work makes a man was obviously some rich prick.

A week's work makes me a depressed man. He stinks of fish gut.

Five, ten, like, two laurel.

Well, fifty.

Ten, fifteen,

sixteen.

Sixteen, fifty.

I'm done.

Boy, we've been working all week, like.

Stop giving away so much fish for free. No, boy, then we'd just be as bad as the

rich pricks. Yeah, that Bezos prick.

I was running drinks.

Yeah, please, thanks.

No worries.

Man!

Man, we're talking. Do you need a drink?

Any juice?

Maraid!

Maraid!

Maraid! Man!

What's she doing, boy?

It's the middle of the day and we want something.

She's hardly dead, is she?

No, if she was dead, she'd be haunting us by now.

Man!

What the f**k?

What's going on?

What's that?

What did he say?

What?

What?

Stop! That is disgusting!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Martin,

boy! Stop smiling, boy!

It seems like everyone was added a pair from us.

Hello.

Wait, how many times have you had to ride?

Since we got out of prison.

I don't know. Did your hand jobs count?

Depends on who gave them to you, like.

I don't know.

They were with my left hand, though, some of them. Still doesn't count, boy.

know. Zero for sure.

I'm zero too.

Have you ever tried sitting on your hand? We can't live like this, boy.

to yourself, all right? We are two of the biggest catches I know, boy. Women.

Women should be throwing themselves at us, boy. I know. Can't we have? No, we

have to. We have to go out in the pool, boy. All the apps are just full of cats.

Oh, we don't need apps, boy. We're going old school, okay? We're going old

school, all right? All right. Pubs, clubs,

chippers and schools.

Yeah. Or schools.

Yeah, mams only.

Mams only.

All right, but we can't just sit around and rot, okay? No. We're better than

that, boy. I mean, we're lads. We're lads of cock.

We don't just sit around and wait to get our holes away. We stand up and we say

enough. Is enough!

Now you look at me, boy!

We are going out into that town!

And we are not coming back until we have SDI!

Get changed.

Now we should probably get changed.

Now we get changed.

What are you doing boy?

Let

me

hit you with something.

Something slow, something lovely.

See like this country.

Right, boy.

It's all about the four C's, yeah?

Confidence, compliments, crack.

Now, what's the fourth one?

Yeah, I know I know it, boy.

Obviously, the number one priority is that we get our hood. Yeah. Well, like,

you don't want to come on too strong, either. No, no, no. Definitely don't

on too strong.

But if we're smart, yeah, we can make a bit of kind, too.

I don't know if I get paid for troubling up giving it away for free, like. What

did I just say?

Confidence, right?

It's the summer, town's full of bjorns, right? All we have to do is find two

rich... Shut the fuck up, Cian!

Find somewhere else to practice.

Two rich, out -of -town bjorns, show them a good time and then at the end,

know, we steal a few things.

So two lucky ladies will get their haul away with two of the best -looking lads

in Cork. Then in exchange, we take some jewellery that they don't even care

about. So at the end, we ask them if they care about their jewellery? No,

no, right?

Cain, Cain, we're on the breadline, all right?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

It's annoying for them if they lose a sparkly piece of jewellery. But that

sparkly piece of jewellery, boy, could rescue us from a lifetime of grief and

poverty. All right, so we're stealing from them. Yeah. But in a good way.

Exactly. All right. And anyway, they probably have, like, insurance, so

everybody wins.

Insurance? Yeah, like insurance insurance.

So when you pay someone money, and then if anything happens to your stuff or

your money, then that person has to pay you back? You're telling me some people

are so rich that they pay someone else money just in case they lose their

just so they can get their original money back?

Yeah, exactly.

All right, boy, I'm gullible, but I'm not thick.

No, boy, that is what it is.

Pulling women can be complicated, but not if you use jocks easy to follow

He calls them the four Cs.

Firstly, you compliment.

Secondly, you make them laugh.

He calls that the crash.

Third, you conquer them with confidence.

Ideally by demonstrating your brute masculinity.

And if all else fails, which of course it rarely does, it's time for the

mysterious fourth C.

Linda once told me I looked mysterious when we first met.

But the truth is, that look was me being so nervous I was trying not to get to.

My strategy is slightly different to Jock, but just as effective.

What are you doing, boy? I'm not homeless.

I find that just simply listening to what women have to say gets them in bed

every time.

What's even the point in having a boyfriend if he's not even going to talk

you? Sounds like he's just not very good at expressing his emotions.

Just not my bed.

Who have you got?

The community.

I do love her.

And you think it might be good for her to know that?

Good stuff.

Have a good one, Harry. You know, boy, I think if those two work on their

communication, they should be all right.

Yeah. Why am I getting worried about you?

I'm already after shifting three beers, and look, I've stolen five light doors.

You know, boy, I've lost my spare.

What? No, boy, you just have to get the first one out of the way, okay? It's

like getting washed after, like... Wait, wait, wait!

I took the bad head off you, you prick!

Are you all right, Gordon?

You OK?

No, we're not OK. We've just been mugged. No, no, you haven't. They

Look, did you have everything?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you all right?

You mean the boys? You mean the boys?

He's speaking Gaelic. Do you know why? He's actually just worried that...

Fine women such as yourselves are getting taken advantage of like that.

sorry about that.

Terrible. Two boys having a gas through the city, got to be safe in these

alleyways, like some savoury type.

So is that Gaelic? Yeah, that is Gaelic, yeah, it's Irish, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah. Well, let us get you some drinks to repay you.

Oh, a drink?

Yeah, absolutely, that's unbelievable, yeah, yeah, yeah, but I wore a show on

us. Oh, are you sure?

Yes, of course, no doubt. You're not sharp as if two women want to buy us a

drink. That's their body, their child. Yeah, surely. But no, no, we do insist.

We do insist. I'm sorry about that. We'd love to. Well, we're not going to turn

down a free drink. Yeah, why would you? Because you're not a fucking idiot.

I'm Charlotte, by the way. She's an influencer.

Had over 100 ,000 followers.

Charlotte, nice to meet you. My name's Jack.

Emma. Emma, lovely to meet you, Emma.

Beautiful, Emma. Whoa.

Hiya. Yeah, come on. Oh,

sorry. You smell really like fruit.

Thank you.

After you, girls.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

What? What are you doing, boy? We can't afford these drinks.

Yeah, obviously not, boy. We're going to have to steal them. But look, we can't

have them thinking we're grifters, all right? Yeah, yeah.

They're hot, rich and clueless, boy. Perfect.

Really? Yeah, boy. We're going to get our hole and make a mint. You watch.

Me a pervert.

We don't want to watch.

You didn't mean that, you fool.

I'm not watching you riding so much.

Wait, let's go get a drink.

Gordon, you head upstairs there and we'll get you a drink, all right?

All right, bye.

See you in a bit.

The jackpot.

Holy shit, mate.

We're going to rob a tan.

What? No, mate, I'm showing you how rich they are.

All right.

Shit, mate.

Me and Jock were Cork's most eligible bachelors.

But love is not cheap, and the most expensive part is dating.

And the most expensive part of that is drinking.

Women love cocktails, especially the classy ones. And everyone knows

are just a load of booze mixed together and given a fancy name.

Great ladies!

Here we are.

This is on our tab to go eventually.

Really? Yeah.

We'd assumed you'd done a runner.

No, you're stuck with us now.

Oh, we'll see about that.

Yeah, cheers to muggers, yeah? Cheers, muggers!

Cheers!

That is savage.

Unbelievable.

Is that lipstick?

Yes, a part of the presentation.

Yeah, it's called a kiss from cock.

Thank you. Ah, a kiss from Cork.

Hopefully not the last.

Are we having a crack?

Thank you, guys.

Welcome to the crack.

Mmm.

Ah.

Oh, it's sort of beefy, but in an amazing way.

Yeah. Yeah.

Would you boys be up for grabbing an early dinner after this?

Oh, absolutely, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Peace!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Don't spoil your app, please.

Oh, here we go.

Thanks, mate.

What are you doing with that thing, mate? He's just burning the shit out of

Why is this place so posh? They just burn the food for the crack, do they?

Thank you. Where do you think you're going? Now!

Pudding? What? No, we have to send that back.

The fellas after the burn at the top of the thing. Here, look.

What you can't do. No, it's meant to be like that.

Or this fire custard.

Yes, no, we did.

Usually we get it rare.

Usually rare for us, yeah.

No. Right.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

Man, that's... Oh my God, it's so hard and tough at the same time.

What?

Oh, that's amazing, man.

Oh.

Oh. Oh, man.

Fucking hell.

So do you boys want to get the bill and then come back to us?

Oh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, please that sounds right. Yeah We can we can do

that and I why don't we do that to him and we'll meet you today. Thank you. Oh

Hey,

thank you. I hope that taste it. Okay, it was grand

You're out of your shell, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

One,

two.

What are we going to do? We can't afford all this.

I don't know, boy. Don't you know the plan?

What? I was following you.

You just said, we'll get this.

Holy shit.

I'm sorry, boy, all right? No, Jack, look.

I'd hate it. It'd hate it to get your breath back.

Here, go back.

I'm not going to lie to you, Harry.

We're not actually rich. Yeah, no shit.

We were trying to show you a good time, so we weren't making the most of it. We

ran out on the bill.

And whose cash is that?

I know I just borrowed it off some fella who doesn't know it, yeah? So you stole

it? We stole it. We did steal it. I'm not going to prison for some petty

Don't let a little bit of stealing get in the way of a good time.

This is so bloody authentic.

Fine. But if you steal anything from us, I'll have you both arrested.

Deal. Deal.

Deal.

We can get out of this pissy alleyway.

We can all go back to our hotel.

Yeah. Yeah.

All right.

All right. All right.

Holy shit, boys.

There's no cork at the palace.

Are you seeing this, guys?

Are we lost, gentlemen?

It's okay.

They're Irish.

And they're with us.

Yeah. We're Irish.

And we're with them.

They're being so massive, my feet don't even come off the end.

Are you boys still sleeping in bunk beds, then?

No. What?

Do you think Conor's all right? He's been in there for a while. Should I go

check on him?

You relax.

I'll check on him, all right?

Conor!

Conor, will you please go sit near him?

Boy, we never get a hold of you. Sync up the place, boy. I did, boy. You know I

only take a shit twice a week.

I'm loading up.

Body wash, boy.

A vanity kit. A mammoth, a conditioner.

Two questions, boy.

Boys,

who's using that hair?

A what?

What?

Oui, oui.

Yeah. We're coming.

Yeah.

Do you want a Chinese?

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, Cain.

Yeah. Cain, you got to do this, boy.

I never felt like anything like this in my life.

No, yeah, boy.

I don't like getting my bits out.

Boy, just cover yourself with a towel.

I'm not doing it, all right, Jack?

What?

Rich people get other people to clip their toenails?

Yeah.

Sorry about earlier.

It's okay.

Out of interest, have you ever given a pedicure to a pedophile?

There's something in my water.

Oh, that's cucumber.

I don't think we have that in Ireland.

Jeez, but I could get used to being rich.

I think I'm going to go take a dip in the jacuzzi.

Are you coming?

I could do that, yeah.

Oh, boy, that's warm.

That's nice, isn't it? Will I get a photo of you?

I'll go get my photo.

No,

I shouldn't ask her to pedigree. You might say that.

No,

I'm going to stay here and look at the lovely view of Cork City.

Don't worry.

If you can't swim, it doesn't matter. It's not that deep.

I can't swim.

No, we can all swim. We can all swim. Can't we just get in and stop being

See you tomorrow, mate.

See you tomorrow.

All right. Come on.

Stop. I don't want any of that.

It's all you mentioned, mate.

All that.

Just getting to be caught.

What are you wearing, mate?

What are you wearing?

Don't even laugh, mate.

What are those things, mate? Just come in, man.

What are you wearing? I didn't have any clean ones. I didn't know you'd be

seeing them today.

I only have lavish. Come on, boy. I think they're sweet.

Really? Yeah.

Is it too hot?

No, it's nice and warm.

Very good.

Be careful.

It is actually quite hot.

Going in for a kiss is a bit like stealing a bike.

It's exciting, risky, but at a certain point, You just got to do it.

Oh, God.

I'm so indigenous.

Then you got to do it again.

Oh, God.

Never have I ever been to prison.

Really?

Yeah, it wasn't for anything bad. It was just a bit of a misunderstanding.

You're not a young offender anymore. You're an adult and an international

smuggler. You're sentenced to six years in prison.

Yes, it wasn't even our fault.

Oh,

gosh, excuse me. It's Daddy.

Oh, Daddy.

I know.

My dad's dead.

Oh.

Should we leave? I'll go check on him. No, no, no, I'll leave it to me.

Enjoy yourselves, all right?

All right.

You all right?

No. What happened?

Being made by a fucking arsehole happened.

My dad was a prick too.

What about your mum?

She's actually dead.

I'm sorry.

So are you sorry for you didn't kill her, did you?

I mean, it'd be fairly awkward if you did.

Did you?

No. Okay.

I'm sorry.

Should we maybe check on them?

Or I'd leave it to them.

Unless that's not the custom here.

I'm not really sure what the custom is here, to be honest.

I eat a lot of oysters there.

You're not that bad, you know.

Despite all the stealing.

I'm not really in the mood anymore.

Sorry.

Don't worry about it.

Me neither, to be honest.

I fairly wrecked after the massage.

Is it supposed to do that to you?

I'd still like you to spend the night.

All right.

Can I borrow your toothbrush, though?

I don't think we should have sex anymore.

It didn't even cross my mind.

You can still tell Jock we did it, if you like.

Thanks. Want a spoon?

Can I have a wee teaspoon?

Do you want me to put back the shambles?

Where's Charlotte, boy? Huh?

Where's Charlotte?

I don't know, boy.

Where's Emma?

I don't know, boy. It's not me.

Emma!

Charlotte! Emma!

What'd you do with your chain, boy?

Chain?

What'd you do with your chain?

Huh?

What do you mean?

Where's your watch?

Boy. Charlotte!

Emma!

Hey, buddy, where'd you put the cash?

I didn't touch the cash. You had the cash.

Where'd you put the cash? I didn't touch the cash.

Where's my phone, kind?

Where's my phone?

It's on the table there.

Where's my phone? It's on the table. Why don't you open your ears?

Charlie! Hey, man!

Hey, man!

They must have it for you. They've got it.

Kind, kind, kind.

Dad. Who's that?

That's Charlie.

Isn't that right, Emma?

That's Emma. That's them, boy. But better looking.

They're from Cork.

Oi!

That's our money, boy!

Traitors, boy. Little rat -bite.

And I did want to pop my Irish cherry.

Deceived by your own?

Lovely lad, thanks for covering the hotel.

Emma, spoon me and everything if that is your real name.

Boy, we'd never have done that to them. Never. There's some things we would do,

but we would never have done that. Not in a million years, boy. I'm joking,

But what are they on about as well? Thanks for covering the hotel.

No, we didn't cover the room.

Covering, what does that even mean? Oh, yeah, that's what's in the room.

How much?

Two thousand.

They didn't buy the hotel room. I'm sorry, madam, but it was the penthouse.

The penthouse?

It wasn't our fault, ma 'am. It was Charlotte and Emma.

Who the hell is Charlotte and Emma?

They were a couple of girls that we thought were rich and going to give us a

ride. Two grand for the ride?

Not a hope I'm paying this.

I'm sorry, madam, but they did spend the night.

Are their names on the reservation?

No. Yeah, no. We're out of here. Let's go.

Tell me you actually did get the ride.

On our fight, we were robbed.

Catfished by a couple of girls. Oh, right. We got insurance.

What the hell do you think insurance actually is?

Well, we got you shampoo.

I finally got my head around the whole insurance thing.

As it turns out, they don't cover catfishing.

But we did get SDIs from the hot tub.

But not one of the bad ones.

Just an itchy knob.

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