Original subtitles

There was an old wise man who I met in prison. Well, he couldn't be that wise

because he was in prison. But he warned me that the hardest thing about being

locked up isn't the thought of where you are.

It's the thought of where you're not.

It's knowing that life outside is continuing on without you. And that the

of your dreams is now the girl of some other prick's dreams.

Glendar is getting married to Gavin fucking Madigan.

But after a lot of soul searching, I decided that I was going to be the

man. For better or worse.

She was going to stay completely loyal and faithful to him for the rest of

entire life.

She's right.

Looking good, kid. I hope her lashes rain on the way to the wedding and that

whole place is flooded.

Oh yeah, well you see what you're saying. Then Gavin's driving along and

tyre hits a puddle and he accoplades and he crashes and he's paralyzed from the

neck down for the rest of his life and he's to talk using one of those

Oh, I'm Gavin Monaghan and it's nice to meet you.

Jesus, boy.

It's a little bit dark, no?

Oh, sorry. I thought that was the direction we were going.

I hope he doesn't die, like, just gets bruised up a bit.

Nick, throw the suit, son. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway. Oh, look at you. Don't you look lovely?

Oh, I need a hug.

What's this? I kind of forgot to say.

They must have forgotten to take the tag off in the shop.

We bought it, eh? You're on probation. Do you want to go back to jail?

No.

What do we do?

Go on, get the good to do quickly.

Do you think it's a good idea you go into this wedding today?

Linda invited me, like, so... Look, Con, I know it's hard to hear, but... You

will find your someone.

What if I've already found my someone, but I'm not her someone?

What's this, stolen goods?

Jesus Christ, Tony, can you not be a guard for one day in your life?

Mam and Healy were in that phase of their relationship all couples go

Oh, I'll just go and see to Noel, so will I? The hating each other phase.

Do you know what?

That would be lovely. Because he probably wouldn't even recognise you at

moment. Healy was working a lot of triple overtime to pay for nappies and

cream. All right, I'll just turn a blind eye to whatever it is I'm supposed to

be turning a blind eye to, so will I? Jesus Christ.

But deep down, love was still in the air.

Wanker.

Try that.

Right. Time to leave the bag.

No, no, no.

Claire, it's not... What? What? Nothing.

Did you notice about it?

Eh, you'd have to be really looking for it. Yeah, they're after leaving the

security tag on the blazer. Oh, God.

Sick, they ought to do the same to mine, Jack.

Hand it over, Jack.

I've got to head over to Siobhan's there. I want to see Sarah in the flower

costume. It's a funny unsupervised access, Dad.

I know, but something tells me Siobhan won't be ringing her solicitor today.

You know what they say about weddings.

No. Or they make women horny, like.

She wasn't doing nothing for me.

Oh, fierce horny, Mireille. Yeah.

If I'm going to get back with Siobhan, this is my big chance, like. So wish me

luck, yeah? All right, Jack. Go on. Good luck.

Thanks.

So Randy there.

Morning, girl.

Morning. Shit!

You need to go now.

I have them. Thank you.

I'm just there.

You can't go down there. You have to go to the window.

The window? Yeah.

Are you having a nap?

I didn't know what's wrong with the floor.

Okay,

I'm going.

I'm forwarding.

Handsome Dan the painter, man? Yeah, boy, I'm telling you.

Sure. What do you mean, boy? I know his arse as well as I know my own face.

Handsome once posed for an ad for hemorrhoid cream.

The billboard company went bust, which meant the poster stayed up for three

years and became one of Cork's biggest tourist attractions.

Fair play to our life.

What are you on about, Cain? His name is Handsome Dan, Jack.

He's gorgeous. Oi, you're not getting what I'm telling you.

If she's shagging Handsome Dan the night before her wedding, it means she

obviously doesn't want to marry Gavin Madigan. It's a proxy ride.

A proxy ride? A proxy ride, OK?

Yeah, sure, she might have gotten up on Dan, but she was thinking about you by

the whole time.

Really? So... She's thinking about me?

Yes, you, boy. She's still in love with you.

This was going to be my last chance to win Linda back.

And what's more of a romantic place to do it than a wedding?

Her wedding.

Half a sausage just for left of your fork there, aren't I?

Right, this sausage is going to sort me out now.

I'm going to be sick.

I'm done.

Bar, take it away from me.

Why did you have that?

To tape your Auntie Linda into her dress.

Don't want her tits spilling over when she's saying her I do's. OK, girls, 40

minutes and we head to the church, yeah?

But we're not going to the church, remember?

You know what I mean.

It was a great idea of Gavin's to have the wedding in the place where you two

first met.

He's too tight to spend his own money, is what he's saying. Well, I think it's

mad romantic.

Let's try and get him even.

I don't want one for my... The other one in Charleville.

Yeah.

Thank you.

You're right there, lads, yeah?

Conor has a question for you. Conor has a question.

Yeah, Conor has a... I just want to ask, did you have sex with Linda Walsh last

night at the inn?

Yeah. Why, no, lad.

Know yourself. A gentleman never tells.

Yeah, but if you did sleep with her, I just want you to know she was probably

thinking of someone else the whole time.

Yeah.

Now that you say it, she actually did keep shouting out some other lad's name

the whole night.

Well, you should have heard her.

She was all... Oh!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Look, whatever happened between you and Linda, all right? She's still in love

with Cain, all right? And now she's going to marry some other fella. All

cool. Just watch out with me, like. We want you to come to the wedding and tell

Gavin Madigan that you slept with Linda.

What, and humiliate her?

Yeah. In front of all of her friends and family?

Yeah, if you don't mind.

Do you wish to be ashamed of yourselves? Yeah.

The answer is no.

Get lost.

I hate to admit it, but maybe Hanson was right.

He was more than just a six -pack and a cute ass.

Can all wedding guests please be seated in the assembly hall? Thank you.

He's getting married at a school.

Cheapest thing I've ever heard in my life. It was time to bow out gracefully.

What about a man won in the end, huh?

It's not a competition, Lee. Of course it was a competition.

And I wiped your eye for you.

A wedding doesn't count if it's in a school.

I think that's actually true, you know.

Would you look at the state of him.

Would you stop being such a snob?

It's amazing what you can find in a charity shop if you're not fussy.

One peck.

Or I'll lick your head.

Thank you.

Siobhan would like you to sit next to her for the math.

Really?

What about... Don't mind what Barry thinks.

As Linda said, you're Star's daddy, which makes you family.

Yeah. Ah, thanks.

Come on. All right, Con?

The mile wouldn't kill you.

Why do I have a horny day?

The room where your bit could be Father Rooney's last man.

Supposed to be going through a crisis of fate.

Yeah. Everything all right, Linda?

Yeah.

You're not thinking of jilting him at the altar, are you?

It's just, you know, the reception's after costing me a fortune.

Dad! It was a joke.

He's a good man, Linda.

Solid, you know.

And the best thing about marrying a teacher, as your mother knows well, you

can't be fucked.

No matter how bad you are at your job.

You know the way you love them spring rolls from the paddy field above the

Bishopstown? Yeah.

Well, there's nothing wrong with not wanting those spring rolls every night

the rest of your life.

What?

You'd laugh, don't you?

Last night, you fancied the spring rolls from Walk This Way in Toker.

And there's no shame in that.

I'm going to be sick.

I'm going to get sick.

Siobhan, the caterer said the money is non -refundable. Piss off, guys!

I'm good.

I'm good.

I'm fine.

I'm all right.

I'm all right.

Oi.

Try to control yourself when we're saying the vote.

The last thing we need on video is to sound you blood in your eyes out.

Billy thinks weddings are like funerals. You can just turn up, pay your respects

and get free booze and sandwiches.

Me? Why do you let him talk to you like that?

I'm not letting him.

It's his day, all right?

Like you said, he won. Won?

Is that what this is all about?

Winning? I thought it was about love.

Do you still love her?

Of course I love her.

She doesn't love him.

Why, she slept with Hanson Dan Fogarty at the home last night.

She didn't what?

Look, as much as I love a good volleyball...

Cancel this wedding.

And how do you suppose we do that, Billy? I suppose we could drag Handsome

Diamond here and he can confess in front of the whole congregation.

I tried that. He said no. I asked.

That's your big mistake.

You asked him.

Are you okay?

No, Billy. I'm really sad.

Okay.

God, he is so intense.

I just don't want to hurt Adam's feelings.

The worst reason to get married.

Especially when it's... Stopping you from getting what your heart really

He's a good person, Siobhan.

If he's a good person, he'll understand that you want to go back to your first

love.

Do you hear what Dad said?

Everything's paid for now.

Dad, you ready to be a flower girl?

Yeah!

in time if you hadn't stopped at every orange light.

Our time were here before the bride. Oh, yeah. No, thanks to you.

I can't believe you got overtaken by a mobility scooter.

Could you maybe stop him crying?

Oh, but I'll switch him to flight mode, will I? Just take him outside.

Oh, maybe you should take him outside.

Oh, Jesus.

In you pop.

Please one look. I'm not gonna hurt you fingers crossed I'm just gonna bring you

to this wedding and you're gonna tell everyone how you rode the braids athlete

All right, just my my ass one in at the moneymaker You're not claustrophobic.

Yeah, no, no you might be after this Do you know that they all

have the same touch Directed three musketeers

Can we have a quick chat?

A quick chat? About what?

Somewhere in private.

Listen.

I want to say I'm sorry.

For being such an asshole to you just now.

Is this some sort of joke, like?

I was standing on the altar and it dawned on me that I should be thanking

For what?

Because you'll be something I'll never be.

It's Linda's first love.

And you know, she said to me she wouldn't have fell in love with me if

didn't teach her to love in the first place.

Linda? Linda said that?

Would you do me a favor?

Would you do the readings for us?

I know it would mean a lot to Linda.

Garbage.

The whole thing.

For the second time that day, I realized that humiliating Linda in front of her

family and friends might not be the right thing to do. Billy, I changed my

Careful now, we don't want to hurt you.

Whoa, here we go.

I tell you something, you're going to get your steps in today.

That's a really long car.

She's here.

It's going to be okay.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

And remember, the least any of us deserve is to be happy.

Thanks, Mom.

Come on.

I think I'm going to do

community netting.

What?

Wait.

Hungry.

I know you're not used to me giving you advice.

But you found Josh somewhere.

I don't want you to mess it up like I did.

You should go get him.

Not now.

Go on.

We're gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of Gavin Madigan, Linda

Walsh. Yeah, first reading.

Who is for the first reading?

First reading, thank you.

Connor. Is it Connor?

Are we Connor?

Are you the first reading?

Yeah, stand up.

And then go on. Go on.

Very good.

Lovely.

Hey.

Sorry, I'm not going to read the whole thing.

Okay.

Hey, Linda said you have a mickey on you like a packet of polos.

And can you please get a move on? I'm playing golf at three.

Public speaking isn't my strong point, but I was going to nail this. For Linda.

The first reading.

A reading from a book of, or sorry, the book.

What's wrong with you?

Come on, Guy. You can't read, is it? I can read.

It's sexy.

Well, just make it up and say anything.

Do I speak with the tongues of men and of angels?

Angels. Angels.

But have not, love, I have become brass

and a resounding gong.

Resounding gong, all right.

Linda, I'm sorry.

I wanted to be happy for Linda.

But I can get a bit hormonal at weddings. And I had the tendency to mess

decision -making process.

But fuck it.

Back to the old plan.

Connor!

Billy. I changed my mind again.

Okay. Operation Handsome Hand Grenade is a go -go.

Shit.

Dang,

dang, dang.

Change your plan.

Mind your head.

And now before Gavin and Linda make their solemn commitment to each other,

they've written their own vows, which they're now going to recite to each

Combine on my phone.

Brilliant.

Shit. What?

It's asking for a software update.

I'm after saying yes.

Why didn't you just print them out? I don't know.

It's the only one always saying we're living in a paperless world.

Do you not, like, I don't know, remember them?

Three guesses as to who's singing this.

I don't know.

No. Your ma?

No.

Go on, have another guess.

Is it Daniel, actually?

Gilbert O'Sullivan.

He's actually from Waterford. What could it be?

Woo! That's matrimony.

It won't take long.

Look, it's initialising.

Where's Billy?

Look at this prick with hairs.

There's nobody on the road.

Look, come here.

I've got somewhere I've got to be.

Chop, chop.

All right, lad. I'm only messing with you. Go on.

Go ahead. In your own time.

I'm sorry about this.

It took me hours to write them.

And there's a little bit of something in there for everyone.

Cries.

Laughter. Is there a car chase, is there?

Well, we're all on tenterhooks, I'm sure.

It's 80%.

You'll be cutting the cake when we get there. Shut up, you!

Steve McQueen.

I said hello!

What's happening, Shakespeare?

It's the wheel of death.

I think it's frozen.

We're going to leave the vows.

Well, that's ruined everyone's day, I'm sure. Right, let's zip through this.

Right, Gavin, Jimmy, Barry, Madigan, do you take Linda, Anastasia, Walsh, be

your lawfully wedded wife, sickness and health, up and down, death to your part?

I do. Great. Linda, do you take Gavin, lawfully wedded husband, sickness and

health, rest of your days?

I... I...

Say yes.

When I saw Linda's face, I realised the desperate lengths that love had driven

me to.

Oh, mother of God, who's this now?

It's Dan Fogarty.

He's a good -looking fella, isn't he? Yeah. Yeah, and he's got something to

you. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Dan, you can go home. But I brought him for you, God. Are you the fella from the

poster? What is he doing here?

He had sex with the bride last night.

He what?

Fuck.

No, he didn't.

So how could he?

He was with me all night.

Playing cards, like, there.

You don't have to lie for me, Con.

I'm so sorry, Kevin.

Was it the full ride?

Because I'm over the bra action, I can forgive.

I don't want your forgiveness.

I... I don't want to marry you.

I thought I did, but then I realised I wasn't being true to myself.

And what I want more than anything in this whole world is to be with my first

true love.

You're not talking about that fucking lang ball, are you?

Dolphins.

Dolphins? Yeah.

I want to go to UCC and study marine science.

I thought you were going to say me there, Linda.

Then I'm going to work with an NGO and clear all the plastic from the Pacific

Ocean. I really thought you were going to say me. I'm sorry.

To both of you.

But you were holding me back.

Did anyone else think she was going to say me?

Ah, right. Well, I'm teeing off at 3 .30. Good luck.

Sorry.

What?

It's a software update, isn't it?

You shouldn't even worry about the nice things they had to say, because you'd be

wasted on someone like you.

They were all wrote by ChatGPT anyway.

Look, I know you've been working really hard and... Yeah, to provide for our

child's future.

I'm saying you don't have to.

I've already raised a son. I did it by myself without a penny to my name.

He turned out all right, didn't he?

Yeah, is that the one who's just done three years in prison?

Yeah, that's a fair point.

Look, all I'm saying is, what kind of future is our little boy going to have

his mother and father are strangers to each other?

Yeah, I suppose it is a bit early to start thinking about which college to

him to.

Keep him alive, show him love, that's the job.

Everything else you just make up as you go along.

Are we going to this wedding then?

Oh, the wedding's off.

It's off?

It's a long story.

Maybe you and me could go home while he's asleep.

I guess it's true what they say about weddings.

Out of his league, is it?

Well, it's true.

Haven't we got a good job and isn't it permanent and pensionable? We pay for

half of this wedding, all right? And you can sing for us? Oh, yeah. Come on,

Rumba.

Oh, being married to a schoolteacher isn't the end of everyone's reign, boy,

know. Well, neither have been married to a slapper.

You're never going to get married again, boy. What, you're married to my son?

Yeah, is that right? Yeah. What? Would you love that, would you? What?

Okay. We're not down!

In the end, no one got what they wanted except for Linda and Siobhan The

day didn't turn out the way any of us imagined it would Except Jock was right

what he said Weddings really do make women horny

Good job!

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