All language subtitles for The Young Offenders s05e01.eng

I bet you're wondering
what we've been up to.

Well, in some ways things
are not much different

than they ever were.
Lads!

That's not very civic minded.

Have a little pride
in your city.

You baldy pricks.

In other ways.

And I'll do my best not
to exaggerate, but things

are completely fucking mental.

Ah Conor will you pull yourself
together, boi, seriously.

Why are Jock and me
dressed as two gorgeous beours?

Let me explain.

You may recall that Jock got
arrested in a Colombian airport

because the South American Garda
didn't like his dress sense.

It turns out Colombian prisons
aren't as nice as they make

out in prison brochures.

But after four years of being
kicked in the ball 23 hours a day,

Jock managed to swing himself
a job in the prison kitchen.

And that's where his luck changed.

Jock had a natural flair
for making impermiders.

Impnoted- im-pahomas,
whatever the fuck they're called.

And the whole prison
ended up loving him.

And Jock's luck didn't end there.

The prison guards all got stoned
one day and well,

they left the gate open.

Jock didn't realise that
he only had three days left

in his five year sentence.

Jock always was a lucky bastard.

Well, that is apart from
the 23 hours a day

being kicked in the balls.

And his dead mam and his
alcoholic prick of an old fella.

But apart from that,
Jock is pretty much the luckiest

fella in the universe.

As soon as he was in the clear,
Jock did the one thing

any sane man would do.

He found the barbers and got
himself a normal bazaar.

After that, Jock trekked his way
through the Columbian jungle

for three long days.

Until he realised he'd been
going around in circles.

And the prison was only
20 minutes from the coast.

When he got to the port.

He stowed away on a ship
heading to Ireland.

On the boat,
Jock met another stowaway

who agreed to let Jock borrow his
phone in return for something

that Jock never wants
to speak about ever again.

I was at home making myself
useful when I got a call.

(PHONE VIBRATES)

Con, Con, Con.
Boi, it's Jock. Jock.

Listen boy,
I'm after escaping, okay?

I'm somewhere along the like
Colombian Irish Sea or something.

Okay, but you have
to meet me on the coast.

So I dropped what I was doing
and legged it to the coast.

I was sitting around
waiting there all day.

No sign of Jock.

Not there, there.

But then...
Jock?

Jock!
Alright boy!

There he was.

His swimming had
gotten much better.

He must have been getting
lessons in the Colombian jail.

Jock.

I missed you, boy.

I missed you!
Me and Jock are hard men.

So we don't show too much emotion.

You look incredible,
boy you haven't aged a day.

I got you a gift.

Chips. Unreal.
You know, we can actually...

We actually get
these in Centra now.

Yeah, as if boy. Boy, did
you swim all the way here?

No boy, got a lift.
Got lift?

And no one saw me boy!
(titter)

Did you jump off the
boat you little shit?

Is that for you?

Gowan-gowan!

(high tempo music plays)

A bike- a bike!

We're on the run- we're soaked.

We need to get out
of these clothes.

Yeah, into what?
Well...

No, I'm not..hardly.

I think they went that way!

Slow down, boy,
my skirts riding up.

Boy, we've no time
for modesty now.

When it comes to getaways
on bicycles, myself and Jock

are the undisputed experts.

(grunting)
Eh, we might be a bit rusty.

We're stuck, we're stuck,
we're stuck.

Come on. Get off. Get off.

Right, we go over here and
we figure out where the next...

What's wrong with you?
All right.

What's wrong?
Are you okay?

Yeah.
Look at me.

What's wrong with you?

Con... what?
(cries)

Ah Con, will you pull yourself
together boy, crying away there.

Like, this is supposed to be
the happiest day of our lives.

Like, I'm back.
I'm crying because it is

the happiest day of my life.
What?

I think I'm just
overwhelmed with emotions.

My best friend in
the whole world,

and I haven't seen you in years.
But I missed you too, boy.

Boy, you're my best
friend in the world.

I missed you like.

Okay, here, now, we're gonna
go back home into Cork now,

okay? And we're gonna show them
that nothing, absolutely

nothing has changed.

Connor and Jock are back.
Yes.

Nothing has changed.

I needed to tell Jock that lots
of things have changed.

The thing is, Jock,
lots of things have changed.

Boy, I'm not a bad boy anymore.

I need to grow up
and become a man.

I've changed.
You've changed?

While I was in prison
in Columbia.

Do you not think I've changed?

I learned that you can't
trust anyone but yourself.

And if you want to be rich
and successful in this life,

you've got to cheat
and manipulate the system.

And I learnt a Spanish
word for toilet paper.

Oh ya?
Prove it.

Papel higi�nico.

Spanish for toilet paper.
Shit.

The only way for people like us
to make it in this life, boy,

is to be criminals,
like we always were.

Where's your sense
of adventure gone?

You can't have a sense
of adventure and be a grown up.

Everyone knows that.
Well, who told you that, boy?

Look I'm back now, all right?

You just forget about everything
and listen to me, okay?

Well, you've changed.

Exactly.

Thank you.
Shit.

No, like... agh!

I have no idea where we are.
Where are we?

I don't think Cork is this way.

You tell me, boy, you're
supposed to be the grown up.

I haven't got a clue, boy.

Oh, yeah, this grown up thing's
working out well for you, is it?

Stop, alright.

Why don't we try that stupid
looking house there?

The roof of this house is mank.

All right.
Okay, let's do this.

Wait, Jock.
Jock, what are you doing?

What?
Smashing the window in.

Why don't we just knock on the
door and see if they'll help us?

What, yeah, just two fellas in
dresses in the middle of nowhere

knocking on the door.
Yeah, good point.

Wait, I've an idea.

Just a couple of stags,
at a stag do and we've got

split up from the other stags.

All right, so I'm a stag?
You're a stag, yeah.

All right.
That's a really good idea.

(SHOUTING AND CLATTERING)

Mouths on them.

Actually get your point across
without using so much profanity.

(SHOUTING AND CLATTER)
What the fuck is profanity?

It's a posh word for swearing.

Right.
Oh, my God.

(KNOCKING)

Ah, hello, ladies.

What are you doing
around these parts?

We're not actually ladies.

We're just two fellas in dresses.

Nile's on him messing with you.

Sure, we could see that.
You're fellas all along.

The Ronnies are a dead giveaway.

Have you looked at yourself
in the mirror recently? (GIGGLE)

We're on a stag.
Yeah, my stag.

This one.
The old ball and chain.

Oh. And where's the rest
of your stag party?

Yeah, we'll have to actually
get spit up from them.

It's a nightmare.
So it's just us.

Yeah.
Where are they actually?

Diego and Juan.

I'm Diego. Right,
so that makes me ...Juan.

Juan.
Juan.

Juan.
All right.

Could we use your phone by any
chance, just to get a lift

and then we'll be out
of your hair? Of course.

Lads, come on in.
Come on.

Thank you so much.
Thank you.

What, Diego and what?
Wine?

Yeah.
Boy, we've used fake names.

We've been chased by the guards.

Yeah, they're the first
names that came into my head.

I don't know my name.
Juan.

Wine.
Juan.

It's Colombian, is it?
Yeah.

Ah, come in, come in, come in.

You're very welcome.

You're very welcome.

Sorry about the mess.

We were just spring cleaning.
Spring cleaning.

Juan and Diego.

Yeah. They're a queer couple of
odd names for fellas from Cork.

Aren't they?
Yes Deirdre.

Deirdre is the name of a priest's
housekeeper who was let go and

smells of wet coats.
Says Niall.

That's just Neil spelled wrong.
Wagon.

Wanker.

My dad was a big fan
of Diego Maradona.

Oh.
You know him?

Guy that had all the hair,
so he called me Diego after him.

Yeah, yeah.

And my dad was a big fan of
numbers, so he named me One.

So if you have a phone,
we could use a phone.

And then we'd be gone.
Of course.

I think it might have been
misplaced in all

the spring cleaning.

I told you, Deirdre, didn't I?

That today wasn't the day
for spring cleaning.

Well, we wouldn't have to spring
clean if you weren't such

a revolting pig, would we, Niall?
Shut up.

(DRY CHUCKLE)

So who is the lucky lady
then? Yeah, sure.

It's this beour.
Linda Walsh is her name.

She's actually a childhood
sweetheart of mine.

So we're getting married
and it's quite beautiful.

So now we're hoping
to start a family.

And she's actually off the pill,
so I'm just going 90.

So Linda Walsh is going
to become Linda McSweeney.

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, Juan and Linda McSweeney.

Isn't that sweet?

It is.
Very sweet. Bit weird.

Where are my manners?

Why don't I fetch us some
tea and cake to celebrate?

Niall, why don't you and
Diego find the phone

and Juan and I will put the
kettle on the phone. Come on.

Come on.
Right, okay.

Come on.
This way.

I always keep the delf handy
in case we have visitors,

but we never do.
I don't know why.

Yeah, it's weird that, isn't it?
Come here.

Come here.
Why?

You're not going...

Just come here.
Sit down.

Tell me this.

What?
Is Juan a good friend of yours?

Yeah, he's my best friend.

Well, then it is your
duty to stop him.

You mustn't let him get married.

So, Juan, you think you're
ready to get married?

Yes, 100%.

And you're sure this
Linda's the one?

No, I'm Juan.
Juan.

He thinks
he's been like a grown up.

What do you think? No,
I think he should be a bad boy.

Like you?
Yeah, like me, yeah.

Believe it or not.
I used to be a bad boy.

Are you sure?

Do you love her?

Is she the one?

As sure as I am Juan.
She is the one.

Well, as long as you're sure.
Are you sure?

I settled down and
let a woman clip my wings.

Is that what you want
to happen to Juan?

No.

No, definitely not.

I'll drink to that.

Where'd you get that from?

If you are going to settle down
with someone, let me give

you a piece of advice.

Make sure you have
plenty in common.

Lots of shared interests.

You and Niall have a lot
of shared interests?

None whatsoever.

That's why our marriage
is a living purgatory.

Well, that and the fact
he thinks it's common to

wash his hands after
going to the bathroom.

Well, some people just grow apart.

Everyone has to grow up
at some point.

Exactly.

CHEERFUL: Ah! Tea time!
We made a pot lads.

Oh, we've got the cans.

(LAUGHS)
Cheers!

Hmm.
What?

Did you find the phone?

No, I've been having
the bit of craic with Diego.

And you don't think you could
have had the craic and looked

for the phone?
Ah, jeez.

Boy, you stop your nagging, you.

I'm not nagging, okay?

Oh, no, it does sound
a little bit like nagging.

Who rattled your cage?

Keep your nose out
of their business.

I'll tell you who rattled
my pissing cage!

You bloody did.

That's because I'm the only one
in this relationship with any

sense of responsibility.

Sound familiar?

The only thing you're responsible
for is dragging me down

to your boring level.
Oh, sound familiar?

I'm the only one in this
relationship that wants

to keep it on track!

I mean, you don't even want
to have sex with me anymore.

Sound familiar?
Wait, no, not...

Not that one.
Deirdre, I'm 76!

I don't want to have sex
with anyone anymore.

Well, now would you please
stop nagging me?

Listen, boy, all right?
I don't nag you.

Ah, boy, that's all you do.
Listen to yourself.

Or you can't.

You can't be a grown up
and have a sense of adventure.

What's that?
That's nagging, boy.

It is time you grew up.

I feel like I don't even know
who you are anymore, Jock.

Look at us! On the run from
the guards again!

Stop.
With these two strangers

wearing dresses.
Jock?

On the run from the guards?

Shit.

Juan just called you Jock.

No. You going senile?
Oh, he definitely did. God!

Shit, Connor!
Look what you've done.

Connor?
What the...

Gah-God. Jesus Christ.
What's going on here?

So if you're on the run from
the guards and you're in our

house, does that
make us hostages?

Can I make something very clear?

Right, no one here is being
kept as a hostage.

Isn't that right, Jock?

(GRUNTING)

A bit of peace and quiet.
Oh, Jock.

What have you done, boy?

What? What am I after doing?
I'm looking after Jock.

Okay?
Sorry.

How exactly?

Because now we have two hostages.

Boy, we-we used
to be fun petty criminals.

Oh, you want a bike?
Yeah.

We'll rob a little bike.
You want some jellies?

We don't have enough money.
We rob a few jellies.

Alright, well now
we've taken hostages.

Will you just relax, relax.
Okay?

We're gonna find the phone,
make a phone call and then

we're home and dry boy.

Alright, we'll find the phone so
in this absolute kip of a house.

(GRUNTS)
That's great. Easy peasy.

(PHONE RINGS)

Well, I didn't know
that was going to happen.

Yes.
Don't answer.

Don't answer, boy.

If they don't answer,
they know something's wrong.

Don't answer it.
Ssh, ssh.

OLD MAN VOICE: Hello?

How are you Niall?

Haven't seen two young
fellas around, have you?

No, no I haven't...
What are you doing?

...seen two boys dressed
as women on the run.

I'm cooking for my wife.

Deirdre.
Tell him you're bald.

I'm still bald.

Okay, if you see any,
would you just let us know?

Yes. Have a good evening.
Bye.

That sounded nothing like him.

That sounds like you, doesn't it?
No, it didn't.

Is it?
IMPRESSION: Yes, come on in, boys.

Who we calling?

Call Mairead, she'll know how to.
What?

No, I can't call Mairead, boy.

She'll kill us, boy. And
then he'll arrest our corpses.

All right, Jock. Good point.
Em, try the girls.

You can't call Siobhan, obvies.
Think boy, will you.

I'll never get to see Star again.

You're not making this easy.

Well come up with
someone good then, boy.

Billy.

What? Billy Murphy?
Yeah. What?

Absolute-are you joking by?

No way.
He's a psycho.

And we don't have
his number anyway.

So, come on,
think of someone else.

I actually have his number on me.
How can you have it on you?

You don't have any pockets.

Billy Murphy, bff.

Is that permanent?

Are you serious?

You were gone for five years.
Why bff?

I tried to wait after you,
but I didn't know what to do.

Why are all his
numbers crossed out?

Because he kept
losing his phone so

we had to get new numbers and

he do it to me in my sleep
with a tattoo gun.

He meant well. He did
that when you were sleeping?

Yeah. Yeah, boy, he's not
well in the head.

Jeez, boy.
Of course we're not ringing him.

Absolute psychopath.
Oh, he's the psycho, is he?

Yes.
Billy's the psycho?

Well that's funny because you're
the one who's back in Ireland.

Only two minutes and we already
have the guards chasing us and we

have two pensioners hostage.
Oh, boy.

Will you just relax, please?
Relax.

Five minutes.
Just relax.

How am I meant to relax?

I'm gonna end up back in prison
and I'm probably gonna burn

in hell because of you.

Boy, you just nag, nag,
nag.. I'm doing your head in.

Do your head in, on your own,
cause I'm out of here.

Oh, I'm on my own now, am I?
You're on my own.

Am I now, yeah?
Yeah? Yeah.

REPEATING:
Yeah? Yeah.

I saw a thing on the Internet
that said if you take a load

of LSD, you can rewire your brain
so any of the bad shit

that happened to you doesn't
cause you to make bad decisions.

Finally, a bit of peace.

I think it'll take all the LSD
in Ireland to sort Jock out.

(KNOCKING)

It's the guards!

Come out with your hands up.

We know you're in there.
MUFFLED: It's the guard, boy.

He got me...

(BANGING ON DOOR)

NIALL IMPRESSION: Hello gaurd,
how are you?

Can you stop banging?

I need to concentrate
on cleaning my head.

That's a pretty good impression.
But it's not Niall, come out.

Put your hands up.

NORMAL: If you don't back off!

I got hostages in here
and I'll kill them all!

Hostages?
I've never had hostages before.

Hostages? I might have to phone
Dublin about this.

I'm not going back to Columbia.

Think, think, think!

Put that down-
What are you doing?

Just be quiet.

I need to gather my thoughts.

I don't have any thoughts.

Do you have any ideas?
MUFFLED: Let me go.

One at a time, please.
One at a time.

What are you saying?

(MUFFLED DIALOGUE)

What?
I said...

Of course you don't
know what I'm saying.

I've a gag in me mouth.
Okay.

Did you have any ideas?

No, of course I haven't.
Great, thanks.

No, no, wait.

I do have something to say. Yeah,
we'll make it quick, okay?

Just want to say that
if all this goes bad.

I love you, Niall.
I mean, you're an

annoying prick and you stink and
you don't clean up after yourself

and we don't have sex.

But we've been through
everything together.

And somewhere along the line,
we just lost our way.

When we were young,
it was just the two of us

on a great big
adventure together.

Screw everyone else.
It was just us.

We were
Butch Cassidy and Sundance,

Zig and Zag,
Bitty and Miley.

And I'm sure that
that's still there.

Underneath all the shite
we've been through.

It's always been just you and me,
kid, against the world.

And I love you.

Oh, that was...

That was really beautiful,
Deirdre.

It's almost like you could have
been talking about

me and Con there. I wasn't
talking about you and Con.

I was talking about
myself and Niall.

We might need backup...
down at Deirdres.

You know, we normally do.

Deirdre's right, boy.

I love you, Jock O'Keefe.

I love you, Conor McSweeney.

Boy.

Sorry.

All good?

You were right.
All right?

I was right?
You were right.

Well, like, not.

Not about kind of the hostages
and lying to the guards

or when you were gonna pick
up the knife and stuff.

You were wrong about all of that.
Sorry.

Just a bit angry from the
PTSD in Columbia.

That's alright. The rope kind
of hurt my wrist. Sorry, boy.

It's okay.
But you were right about me.

Boy,
I'm Connor McSweeney.

Conor of Conor and Jock.

From now on, I'm gonna
be a bad boy forever.

Yes, boy.
Yes, boy!

? Bad boy. Bad boy.
What you gonna do?

? What you gonna do
when they come for you.

(MUFFLED DIALOGUE)

Why are you-What?
What are you saying?

I was saying, why am I the only
one with a gag in me mouth?

Oh, yeah, sorry.
I was getting to you.

Well, now that I've got your
attention, I've got

something to say.
Huh?

I love you too, Deirdre.

And your little speech has
given me a raging boner.

Wow.

We're not your enemies, boys.
No.

Who are the enemies around here?
The guards.

The guards.
We hate them.

We hate them.
I despise them bastards.

If you hate the guards
as much as us.

We do.
We do.

Maybe you could help us.

We're surrounded by them, lads.

We might be surrounded,
but I have a plan.

One, two, three.

Niall, is that you!
Of course it's me.

WHISPER: Have you got away
from the hostage takers?

Hostage takers?

You idiots.

There are no hostage takers here.

That was just me doing a voice.

There's no way that was
you doing a voice.

Of course it was.

CORK TWANG: This is me
doing it again now.

And this is my normal voice.

And this is me doing
the voice again.

And this is me
in my normal voice.

Why were you wasting
our time doing all that?

If you're telling the truth,

Can I just come in and
have a look?

No, no, no. I'm afraid
Deirdre's in one of her moods.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.
If I could just have a look.

No, I'm afraid you can't.
You know what?

I'll rip your head off and use
it as a piss pot,

you fat wanker.
Go!

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

Everyone knows you're an asshole.

Deirdre, stop that!

I will not stop it,
you little arse.

(SHOUTING AND CLATTERING)
GAURD: Deirdre this energy

was fine when you were
a camogie player, but not now.

It's gonna be a long run home.

Yeah, we even know
where we are running?

South- Cork is south.

I'll get you- ya dirty...
(CRASH)

A fella I met in prison once told
me that love makes you soft

in the head and
strong in the heart.

If Niall and Deirdre,
anything to go by.

Love just makes you
angry and pissed off.

But maybe that's okay.

If you can scream at each other,

tie each other up
and still run off

into the sunset,
you might just be soulmates.

Either that or
fucking psychopaths.

Oh, no.

(MOANING)

Do you mind?

We're getting our hole here.

Can I just go for
a wee before we go?

(EXCLAIMS)
Yes, Jock, yes! You're home boy!

Yes, boy!

Home at last.

You're back.
I'm back, boy.

(EXCITED EXCLAIMS)

Let's show Cork
what it was missing kid.

What, you live here now?
Yeah. Cause of Noel.

Noel? Who? Who's Noel, boy?
My brother.

You've a brother?

You hide.

Where the hell have you been?

You're supposed
to be babysitting.

(EXCLAIM)
Hi, how are you Mairead?

Jock! I got you these.
Look.

Colombia. Good to see ya.

You can get these in the
Centra down the road.

Really?
We're late.

We gotta go. That's for making
him cry. Oh, Jesus.

That's for going
to a Colombian prison.

All right?
Jesus.

Psycho still is she?
Nice dresses, lads.

(BABY CRIES)

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