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[Jenn]. Have�you�seen�Chelsea�Nakamura?
Chelsea!
[Chelsea�groaning]
Chels?
[gasps]�There�she...
Chels?
Hey.
So�I�think�that�we should�try�something�new
for�the�Save�the�Whales�Day.
Okay.�We�usually�do�the charity�golf�tournament
and�no�one�complains.
I�know.
That's�because�everyone�finds it�too�boring�for�words.
You�mean�you're�too�bored?
That's�correct. I�find�it�boring.
I�don't�mind�being�the whistleblower�here.
What's�your�idea?
Ahem.�Okay.
Photo�calendar, our�employees,
but�in�very�flattering lighting,�obviously.
We�sell�it.�Boom!
Money�for�whales.
Like�a�firefighter�calendar?
Yeah.�Tasteful.�Classy.
You�haven't�organized�anything since�your�dog's�quinceanera.
No.�But�I�learned a�lot�from�that.
Fine.
If�it�keeps�you outta�my�office,
off�email,
and�away�from�anything that'll�concuss�ya,
I�call�that�a�win.�For�me.
Yes!
You�won't�regret�it, Chelsea.�Promise.
Oh,�bar�is�so�low,�Jenn.
[Jenn�laughing]
I�know!�So�low!
It's�basically�in�the Earth's�core,�Jenn.
Yeah,�but�that's�where�the diamonds�are�made,�baby!
[rock�music]
[rock�music�fades]
So,�for�our�annual�Save�the Whales�fundraiser�this�year,
we're�doing�something�a little�outside�the�box.
We�are�gonna�make a�photo�calendar
that�is�going�to�showcase twelve�of�our�employees.
I'm�calling�it
'Hard�Hat�Hotties.'
This�is�what�I�came�back�for? -�Okay.
[Dewey]. I�like�the�alliteration.
Why�only�twelve�employees?
Because�there's�twelve�months in�a�calendar�year,�genius.
Ohhhh.
How�is�this�fundraising?
Whales�don't�care�how we�raise�funds,�Janet.
They�just�wanna�swim.
That's�what�fish�do.
What�happened�to�the golf�tournament?
I�bought�a�new�glove and�a�pair�of�spikes.
We're�switching�things up�this�year,�Todd.
But�the�golf�tournament�is the�only�day�of�the�year
we�can�be�day�drunk and�get�paid�for�it.
[in�unison]�Yeah! -�Here�here!
So�we're�gonna�unveil the�cover�this�weekend
at�that�janky�gross�bar you�people�love�so�much.
Chelsea,�can�we�get that�inflatable�orca
set�up�right�out front�the�venue?
It's�an�inflatable�whale�shark
but�who�cares�about accuracy,�right?
Nerd.
I've�done�a�bit�of catalogue�work�before.
What�kinda�looks you�going�for?
[scoffs]�Yeah�right.
What's�your�problem?
Editorial,�mostly.
Um,�tradespeople�just�doing their�job,�you�know,�but�spicy.
[Homer]. Yeah,�'cause�nothing sells�calendars
like�Roach's�sweaty�ass�crack, right�Jenny?
[in�unison]�Ew!
Good�to�have�you�back,�Homer.
Are�our�clothes like�on�or�off?
On!
This�is�a�work�event.
You�must�wear proper�safety�gear.
Thank�you.
I�mean,�whales don't�wear�clothes
so�I'm�thinking�like clothing�optional?
What�kind�of�backdoor argument�is�that?
No,�no,�no,�no,�no,�no.
[chatter�droning�loudly]
Everyone's�clothes�stay�on!
Let's�just�say�that�I agree�to�model�for�this.
What's�to�stop�someone from�using�my�picture
to�do�nasty�stuff?
[Jenn]. No�one�is�jerking off�to�you,�Janet.
Let's�make�that�very�clear right�here�right�now.
This�is�about�something bigger�than�ourselves,�right?
Orcas. -�Whale�sharks!
I�don't�care.
Okay.�If�anyone�actually wants�to�participate,
sign�the�sheet.
If�not,�no�biggie.
Now�back�to�work.
And�remember, this�is�voluntary.
Strongly�encouraged. -�Voluntary.
See�you�there.
[Chelsea]. Free�will.
Free�your�willy.
[Chelsea]. No�means�no!
Not�really. You're�my�employee.
I'm�ready.
Well,�people�are�constantly staring�at�my�fart�blaster
all�day�anyways,
someone�oughta�make some�money�out�of�it.
Ooh,�yeah!
For�the�whales!
What�do�you�think,�Audrey?
You�gonna�sign�up?
You�have�such�a interesting�look.
Like�a,�like�a�gal�who�cleans her�own�wounds�with�vodka.
Well,�I�think�I'm�here to�be�a�carpenter,
not�a�calendar�model.
Well,�it's�for�charity.
Well,�if�we�were�doing�a raffle�or�a�blood�drive
like�every�other�refinery?
I'd�show�up�for�that.
Like�a�blood�drive�for�whales?
What?
No,�for�people.
I�didn't�think�that whale-to-human�transfusions
were�even�possible.
Like,�what�are�you picturing�a�whale
hooked�up�to, like,�a�giant�IV?
I�mean,�so�much�blood.
Audrey,�if�you're�looking to�get�out�of�this,
and�I�fully�support�that,
we�need�someone�who�can�blow up�the�inflatable�whale.
Done. -�Oh,�thanks.
She'd�rather�blow�Shamu than�get�her�picture�taken.
Mmmhmm. [Tanner�chuckling]
You�like�that? You�can�help�her.
Fuck.
You�will�not�pressure,�coerce or�guilt�anyone�to�participate.
Fine.
Totally.�Done.
[mellow�lighthearted�music]
Whales�will�die,�Todd!
Look,�you're�the�GF.
If�you�don't�do�it, nobody�will!
Nope.
I've�worked�here�long�enough to�know�how�these�things�go.
I'm�not�dropping�my�pants.
Nobody�needs�to�see�that.
What,�you're�worried�about that�whole�thing�there?
Because�we�can�crop�it.
Or,�you�know,�we�can frame�you�elbows�up.
AI�does�amazing�things�now.
What�do�you�want?
What? -�To�do�it.
'Cause�I'm�not�above�bribery.
I'm�not�above�being�bribed.
Double-time.�OT�meal.
[Jenn�sighing]
Fine.�Pizza?
Chicken�Parmesan. -�Chicken�Parmesan?�Oh!
Who�the�fuck�do�we�think we�are,�Mariah�Carey?
And�dessert.
Lava�cake.
You�greedy�little�bitch.
[mellow�lighthearted�music]
Fine!
Just�get�them�to�sign�up.
You�got�it,�boss.
[chatter�droning]
Listen�up!
[chatter�droning]
Can�everybody�shut up�for�a�minute?
Who�wants�Friday afternoon�off,
double-time�pay,
Chicken�Parmesan�OT�meal�to do�this�dumbass�calendar?
Yeah,�fucking�right.
Chicken�Parmesan�for�everyone?
Jesus.
Come�on,�if�I'm�doing�this, you�guys�fucking�are.
Chicken�Parm,�people!
Throw�in�some�garlic�balls.
So�this�isn't�the Olive�Garden,�Steph.
Fine.�Garlic�balls.�Jeez.
Yo,�what's�up? -�Cheese�and�garlic�balls.
Oh,�that�was�my nickname�in�high�school
'cause�of�how�it�smelt.
Wow. -�[Roach]�����My�balls.
We�have�that�full�facial coupon�and�the�free�arm�wax.
We're�in. -�We'll�do�it.
Anyone�else? -�Nice.
All�right,�you�want�an ass�that�can�move�product?
Taser's�your�man. I�see�myself�as�Mr.�April.
Okay,�I'm�out.
That's�what�I'm�talking�about!
Maybe�even�a�Mr.�May.
I'll�do�it! -�Sign�me�up�twice,�man.
[whispers]�Hey,�this�is�good.
This�is�good.
Oh,�ah,�ah. Screw�it.�Screw�it.
Hey. -�Oh�yes!
What�are�you�guys�doing?
Hey. -�That's�quite�the�noises.
[Backwoods]. Uhhhh...
Apparently,�I�gotta�do this�calendar�crap.
Be�a�leader, set�an�example,
blah,�blah,�blah.
Right.�Right.
You�want�tips�on training�or�something?
From�you?�What�a�joke.
Look�at�this. It's�fucking�steel.
Well,�maybe.
Really?
Oh�shit.�Well,�I�don't�know.
You've�probably�talked to�Marcus�about�it
but�first�thing's�first,
is�you�gotta�lose the�foreman�fifteen.
And�then�you�gotta want�it,�brother,
and�you�gotta�want�it�bad.
You�gotta�want�it more�than�bread.
Nope.
You�gotta�want�it more�than�beer.
Nope.
You�gotta�want�it more�than�joy�itself.
This�is�gonna�fucking�suck.
Yep. -�It�will�fucking�suck.
It's�gonna�suck�worse�than the�biggest,�greasiest,
dirtiest�dick�you've ever�seen�in�your�life.
And�you're�gonna�suck�it�for breakfast,�lunch�and�dinner.
Oh�yeah? -�Yes.
And�you're�gonna�enjoy�it.
I'll�do�what�it�takes.
The�training�begins�now.
Let's�go. -�Aw.
When�he�pukes,�you�clean�it.
[upbeat�rock�music]
[Backwoods]. Run�up�them�fucking�stairs
like�you'll�never�run�again!
You're�not�a fucking�electrician!
You're�a�fucking�pipe fitter�running�up!
6:00�AM�wasn't�part of�the�deal,�man.
Neither�was�greatness. Now�get�moving!
Go�slow�or�you'll�blow�your colon�right�outta�your�anus!
I�think�I�just�did.
Good!�Shit�yourself!
Dang�it!�You�lift.
You�dig�like�you're digging�in�the�couch
for�your�last�two�bucks.
There�ain't�no�quitting�you, Todd�Stool.
What�the�fuck�are�you�doing?
Get�whippin'!
?�It�was�the�suit that�got�me�the�gig
?�It�was�the�tears that�got�me�the�girl�?
Sucker.
Discipline�and focus�at�all�times.
Do�not�eat�that!
Be�one�with�hunger.
Punch�the�fuck�out�of�him!
Punch�his�fat�old fucking�guts�out!
["Someone�Who's�Cool"�by�Odds]
?�Soul�like�a�thimble
?�Swallowed�up�in�symbols
?�Wanting�what�I�don't�need
?�If�sympathy's�the�answer�?
[Backwoods]. What�the�fuck?
You're�cheating,�you�fuck.
What�the�fuck?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
Train!
Igne,�igne,�igneous.
Roach,�what�are you�talking�about?
[Roach]. Rocks,�man,�rocks.
That's�it. -�Hello�talent.
What�the�hell�is�this?
[Jenn]. I�hired�him.
He's�our�photographer.
You�hired�Dewey?
Uh-huh. -�What�are�his�qualifications?
Well,�number�one, he�owns�a�camera.
And�yep,�that�is 90%�of�the�job.
Honestly,�I�can't�even�think of�what�the�other�10%�would�be,
so�I�guess�that might�be�the�whole�job.
Yeah,�this�is�gonna be�a�train�wreck.
[Jenn]. What�are�you�thinking?
I'm�gonna�scout�the�plant,
look�for�some�shadows that�hit�the�cement
in�a�way�that,�uh, you�know,�speaks�to�me.
Ooh.�[giggles] -�Yeah.
Oh,�we�are�gonna make�some�magic.
Yes.
He's�an�artiste.�Muah!
More�like�fartiste.
She�said�she'd�be�here.
Um,�she�did�throw�a�piece�of bologna�at�me�at�the�same�time
so�it�could�be...
All�right.
Good�garlic�balls,�Jenn.
Okay.�You�know�what?
How�are�you�with�props?
I'm�a�fucking�pro,�Dewey.
Because�I�have�a friend�for�you.
And�you�know�what?
I�think�he's�hungry,�Steph.
I�think�he's�a hungry�little�fella.
Why�don't�we,�why�don't�we give�him�a�little�nibble,�huh?
There�we�go.
Yeah,�he's�got�an�appetite.
Oh�he�likes�it.
Yes. -�[Jenn]���������Nice.
Oh�yes. Very�nice,�Steph,�yeah.
Oh�he's�a�hungry�little�boy.
He�appreciates�it,�Steph.
Okay,�this�is�fucking�stupid.
I'm�done.
Chicken�parm.
Mmm.
You�didn't�want�to�eat�that after�the�shoot,�Roach?
No,�I'm�good,�man.
Okay,�I�can�do�this.
I�can�do�this,�yeah.
[Roach]�����It's�okay. -�Okay.
Okay,�I�need�you�to focus�though,�Roach.
I�need�you�to�focus,�okay?
Not�on�the�parm!�On�me!
Okay,�this�is�how�they�do in�the�magazines,�probably.
I�think.�I�read�it�once.
[Barb]. I�gotta�show�off�my�new�nails.
So�these�are�new.
Oh. -�Catch�those.
Mine�are�cute,�too. -�Okay.
They're�something. -�I'm�zooming�in.
I'm�zooming�in,�ladies. That's�it.
Okay. -�Get�Momma.�Big�Momma.
[in�unison]�Big�Momma.
Oh�my�god!�Yeah. I�want�ya�to,
I�want�you�to�open that�Big�Momma�booty.
Come�on. -�Surprise!
Big�Momma�booty! Big�Momma�booty!
Big�Momma�booty!
That's�it.�That's�the�shot.
Yes.�Oh,�Darth welder�in�the�house.
Oh,�I'm�feeling�some�sparks down�south�of�this�weld�band.
Are�you�sure�that�you�have�never done�this�before�because...
I�got�more�gas�in�the�tank.
I�wanna�give�you guys�some�options.
We�like�options. -�Oh,�I�like�options.
Okay,�what�if�I,�uh,
wear�my�welding�helmet on�my�junk�like�this,
to�imply�danger?
Ooh,�someone's�got some�skin�in�the�game.
Ooh,�if�we're�gonna go�that�route,�Tase,
I�think�we�need to�pop�a�button.
Ooh. -�Ooh.
Okay,�I'm�just�gonna just�do�a�little...
just�a�little�zhuzhing.
Tase�with�the�blaze. -�There�we�go.
[Dewey]. Oh�but�Tase,
I�think�we're�gotta�have to�see�the�hair�flowing.
Show�me�that�mane.
Oh�yeah!�You're�a�warrior.
Time�to�do�art.
[Jenn]. Let's�do�it.
[Dewey]. Yep,�here�we�go.
Grinders!
Oh!
[thrilling�rock�music]
[Jenn]�����Turn�up�the�heat! -�More!
[thrilling�rock�music]
Beautiful,�Tase.�Beautiful.
Game�on.
[thrilling�rock�music] [camera�clicking]
[Jenn]. Okay.
Nice.
Yeah.
Okay.�Nice.
Now�if�you�could�just pop�that�belt�open,
give�us�a�little�summer�tease.
What?�You�mean�my�pants?�Why?
Crack�it�open�a�little�bit, you�know?
You're�Mr.�July,�it's�supposed to�be�hot�outside,�right?
Give�us�a�little�humidex, you�know?
I�didn't�know�this�was�gonna be�those�kind�of�pictures.
[Chelsea]. Hey!
Oh�fuck!�Here�comes the�pants�patrol.
You�cannot�under any�circumstance
pressure�an�employee�to take�off�his�clothes.
Look,�you�trusted�me to�run�this�fundraiser,
so�just�let�me.
We�are�not�making anyone�uncomfortable.
Right,�Marcus?
You're�fine,�right?
Tell�Chelsea�that�you're�fine.
He's�not�gonna�tell you�the�truth.
You're�the�boss.
You�don't�get�the�power dynamic�at�play�here?
Marcus,�has Ms.�Conch�or�Dewey
done�anything�at this�company�event
to�make�you�feel uncomfortable?
Well,�my�knees�hurt
and�I�don't�love�that�my�aunt's definitely�gonna�see�this
but�it's�been...�fine?
See,�you�can't�fake that�kind�of�praise.
Up�to�you,�Marcus.
Yeah.
Up�to�you,�Marcus.
Is�a�bit�chilly.
I'm�gonna�head in�for�a�snack.
Is�that�okay?
Come�on�down.
You�know,�Taser�didn't mind�the�breeze.
He�said�it�makes his�nipples�pop.
That's�a�professional.
Watch�it,�Dewey.
I�can't�fire�her but�I�can�fire�you.
I'd�just�rehire�you.
[Chelsea]�����I�heard�that! -�Finally!
A�safe�space�again!
You�know,�just�walk�and�judge. That's�helpful.
Beep.�Beep.�Beep,
Whoa,�whoa,�whoa,�whoa, whoa,�whoa,�whoa,�whoa.
Perfect.
Take�it�off.
Are�we�waiting�for anybody�else�or-
Nope.�Just�you�and�me.
Team�Blowhole. -�Yeah.
Yeah,�we've�been�entrusted with�the�great�honour
of�blowing�this�bad�boy�up.
Yeah.�In�here?
You�wanna�haul�this outside�and�blow�it?
No�Audrey,�I�don't�wanna fucking�do�this�anywhere.
It's�stupid.�It's�a�lame-ass, giant-ass�pool�toy.
I've�got�so�much�other�shit I'd�rather�and�can�be�doing.
Oh�yeah?�Like�what?
Doom�scrolling?
Ghosting�people?
Calling�your�mom?
I�love�my�mom.
This�is�what's�wrong with�your�generation.
Loving�my�mom? -�������������Yeah.
Yeah,�no,�'cause�you�think you're�above�this�task.
Fuck.�Who�isn't?
Get�blowin'.
Clock�hits�four, I�hit�the�door.
You're�just�gonna�stand�there?
Blow�it�or�suck�it. Whatever�your�preference.
Yeah,�get�your�hair�dryer.
I�miss�Jimi�already.
Appreciate�you,�bro. I�feel�good.
Good.�I�mean,�you�still look�like�a�piece�of�shit
but�you�did everything�you�could.
What? [Backwoods�chuckling]
Pssst!
You�boys�ever heard�of�smizing?
No�one�has�heard of�smizing,�Homer.
What�the�fuck�is�it?
Do�I�got�to apprentice�for�it?
[Todd]. Smizing?
It's�when�you�smile with�your�eyes
but�not�your�mouth.
Smile�with�your�whole�face,
that's�amateur�clown�shit.
Behold.
[whispers]�There's�no�fucking,
what�is�this�fucking�shit?
[gentle�lighthearted�music]
Are�you�fucking�with us�Homer,�or...?
No.
I�did�some�modelling as�a�child.
Bullshit.
I�was�the�face�of�a major�soda�pop�brand.
You�guys�remember�the, uh,�"Chuggg�It!"�kid?
[Todd]���������Shut�up! -�No�fucking�way!
That's�you?�No�way! -�No�way.
Show�us!�Oh�my�god! Do�it�right�now!
I'm�not�doing�do�that. -�Do�it!�Do�it,�Homer.
I�did�years�of�therapy to�get�over�that,�okay?
Do�it. -�I�can't�do�it.
Do�it�or�you're�fired�again.
Ch-ch-ch-chuggg�it!
[both�laughing]
That�is�awesome!
That�was�you! -�Holy�shit!
I�did�billboards,�bus�stops,
even�did�a�short run�of�urinal�cakes
but�parents�didn't�think it�was�appropriate�to�be
pissing�on�a�child's�face.
Teach�me,�Homer. -�Teach�him.
It�was�a�different�life!
Different�times.
Fucking�don't�turn�your back�on�us�now,�Homer.
I�gave�it�all�up�for�the�glitz and�glamour�of�welding,�boys.
[whispers]�Chuggg�it�kid.
All�right.�I'll�help.
Listen�up! -�Yes!
You�gotta�seduce�the�camera.
How?
Always�be�moving.
Get�the�legs�in. -�Loosen�them.
Yes,�Todd.�Come�on! Get�moving!
Get�moving,�eh? -�[Backwoods]�����Yes.�Yes.
You�wanna�give�the�camera different�facial�expressions.
Okay? -�Okay.
Start�with�a�smile.
With�your�teeth.
Smile,�Todd! Show�off�those�pearly�whites!
Come�on!�Yes!�You're�happy!
But�then,�wait�a�minute.
Who�died? -�[Homer]�����Everyone.
Oh.�Sad�face.
Everyone�died,�Todd.
You�look�high. -�[Homer]�����But�wait.
What�do�you�see�out�there?
Is�that�your�best�friend fucking�your�sis...
Cousin?
No,�no,�it's�your,�yeah, your-your�cousin�Greg!
Your�best�friend, look�at�him
fucking�your�cousin�G-Greg!
You're�mad�at�him,�Todd!
Not�me.�Greg. -�[Homer]�����But�wait.
What's�that�in�the�distance? -�Huh?
[Homer]�����Over�here,�Todd. -�Huh?
[Backwoods]�����What�is�it? -�����No.�Like�towards�me!
Right�there!�There�it�is! -�There.
It's�a�12-point�elk. -�[Backwoods]�����Ooh.
You�reach�back...
Clobber�it.
No,�you're�not gonna�clobber�it.
No,�you�gotta... -�Quiver?
You've�got�a�quiver�of�arrows.
You're�a�sexy-ass�hunter. -�Good�work.
So�you're�gonna draw�the�arrow,
and�then�load�the�bow.
And�then,�fire�it.
Oh!�What�just�fell?
The�elk? -�Nah,�you�dropped�a�peach.
Get�down. Grab�the�peach,�Todd!
Lift�your�ass�up.
[Backwoods]�����Ass�up. -�And�flex�the�back.
And�jiggle�the�ass.
This�is�fucking�dumb. -�Jiggle�the�ass.
And�look�at�me,�Todd. I�want�eye�contact.
[Homer]�Flex�it!�Downward�dog! -�Ass�up!
I�can't�do�this!
I�should�never�have agreed�to�this�shit!
What? -�[Backwoods]�Just�calm�down.
Listen,�the�man�is�hangry.
He�hasn't�eaten�anything in�goddam�three�days.
Whoa,�whoa,�whoa,�hey! -�Hey!
Are�you�fucking�high?
You�can't�eat�before�a�shoot!
You're�gonna�bloat like�a�blowfish!
It's�showtime,�dew-dog. -�For�Christ�sakes.
My�lights�are�hot.
Are�you�boys�ready? -�No!
You're�ready. -�That�was�perfect.
Greatest�first�lesson I've�ever�had.
You�are�ready. -�Get�out�there!
Get�out�there! [Todd�mumbling]
You�will�never�be�more�ready!
How�much�money�did�you�make doing�those�commercials?
None.�My�mom�owns an�island�in�Belize.
Yeah,�uh,�this�is�gonna take�fucking�forever.
Yes,�it�is,
which�is�why�we�have mandatory�breaks.
What�the�hell happened�to�all�that,
"Oh,�this�is�what's�wrong�with your�generation,"�bullshit?
I'm�only�like�two�years younger�than�you,�right?
[Audrey]. Really?
I�thought�you�just�had�your�13th birthday�last�month.
[Tanner�laughs�mockingly]
[laughs]�Seniority means�I�nap�first.
Goodnight.
[gentle�lighthearted�music]
[whispers]�Fucking�shit!
[gentle�lighthearted�music]
Oh�yeah.
You're�in�a�safe�space, Toddler.
Your�lighting's�garbage!
Everyone's�gonna�look�like they�got�fucking�jaundice!
Are�you�telling�me how�to�do�my�job?
No,�Dewey.
I'm�telling�you�how�to not�ruin�a�good�photo.
Hey,�chop-chop,�boys! Time�is�money!
[Dewey]. I�have�just�the inspiration�for�this.
[upbeat�music]
Bend�the�joints. Bend�the�joints,�Todd.
There�you�go. -�[Backwoods]�����Bendy.
Yeah,�all�right. -�Bend�'er�down.
Over�the�shoulder,�Todd.
No,�no.�Towards�the�camera!
[Dewey]. Smile,�boy.
[Homer]. Yeah.�There�you�go.
Chin�up.�Use�the�straps. -�[Dewey]�����Bad�boy!
Slap�the,�you�like�that�pain!
Now�look,�on�the�ground in�front�of�you,
there's�that�same�old�peach.
You�remember�that�peach,�Todd.
Grab�that�peach. Grab�the�peach.
[Dewey]�Chow�down�on�that�peach! -�[Homer]�Grab�the�peach.
Yeah.�Take�a�bite!
[upbeat�music]
[Homer]. But�wait.�Oh�gross.
[Backwoods]. There�you�go.
What's�that�white�substance?
Oh�no.
A�deer�was�using it�as�a�cum�rag.
[Backwoods]���������Ew! -�Throw�that�peach�away.
Throw�it�away! -�Gross!
Wait.�There's�something�wrong.
Your�body,�it's�shaking.
That�was�cursed�cum!
Ugh.
All�of�a�sudden�your hands�are�hooves.
Glorious�hooves.
You're�a�majestic�steed.
I�wanna�hear�you�neigh,�Todd.
Neigh!
[Todd�neighing]
Louder!
[upbeat�music]
Whoa.�Whoa!
The�wind�is�blowing in�your�hair!
And�then�you�see it�ahead�of�you,
there's�the�elk.
You�remember�the�elk,�Todd? -�[Backwoods]�����Oh�yeah!
You�missed�it�last�time, didn't�ya?
Now�reach�back,�flex,
pull�out�the�arrow. -�[Backwoods]�����Good.
And�load�the�bow.
Yeah!�Chin�up!
[camera�clicks]
Fuck!
Ah!�Hey!
Fuck!
What�the�fuck?
Cricket,�are�you�there?
Hold�on,�buddy! We'e�good.
And... -�Fire�it.
Release!
There!�You�got�it!
[knocking�on�window]
[Tanner]. Todd!�Todd,�man!
[camera�clicking]
[Dewey]. Oh,�there's�my�December!
What�the�fuck? -�[Homer]�����Cricket!
Oh.�Good�work,�Tanner.
[mellow�music]
[drumsticks�tapping]
Woo!�Ha-ha!
Okay�guys,�it�is�time to�reveal�our�calendar.
[unenthusiastic�cheering]
Some�people�said�that�my idea�was�unprofessional
and�that�it,�uh, blurred�ethical�lines.
Chelsea. -�I'm�not�wrong.
'Cause�it�wasn't,�it�did.
To�me,�this�has�always just�been�about�hope,
you�know,�for�us�and for�our�animal�friends,
from�the�mammals to�the�whales.�So-
[Homer]. Genius�over�here.
Let's�raise�a�glass,
open�our�wallets
and�remember�that�for�every calendar�that�you�buy,
an�orca�is�so�thankful,
and�probably�releases�one�of those�cloudy�white�squirts.
It's�whale�cum?
I�mean,�we're�not�gonna�see�it because�it�happens�underwater
but�it's,�uh,�it's�happening. -�A�load?
[rim-shot�thumps�and�pings] Okay,�stop.
Sorry. -�Okay.
All�right,�let's�go.
[wolf�howling]
Nice. -�Oh!
Oh,�nice�work! -�Oh!
Oh,�Stephy! You�look�so�hot!
Garlic�balls.�Remember?
I�don't�remember�posing with�a�dire�wolf.
[Jenn]. Okay,�moving�on�to�February.
[Backwoods]. Titty�city!
Hey,�that's�us! -�We�look�hot!
I'd�date�me. -�We�are�such�snacks.
Remember�Big�Momma?
It's�payday,�Team�Conch.
Let's�open�up�Big�Momma.
I'm�gonna�catfish�somebody with�that�bad�boy.
[Todd]. Looking�good,�Barb.
Oh�Janet!
Nice�duckface,�Janet.
Nice�fuckface,�Homer.
[rim-shot�thumps�and�pings] [Steph�laughing]
You�are�my�Victorian duckling,�Janet.
[Jenn]. That's�weird.
[Dewey]�����Moving�on. -�[Taser]�Nice�one,�Janet.
Ooh,�Marcus!
That�ain't�Photoshop!
That's�right�it�ain't!
I�got�you,�brother. Thank�you.�Appreciate�it.
[Dewey]. And...
Hey,�that�looks�like�me,�man.
That�is�you,�Roach.
[in�unison]�That�is�you!
I�had�to�paint�out�all�the tomato�sauce�on�your�face.
Kinda�looks�like my�uncle�too.
[Taser]. No�Malone.
[Backwoods]. Oh.�Yeah!
[Homer]. Looks�like�cousin�Greg.
Hold�the�fucking.
Dewey,�I�was�supposed to�be�a�werewolf.
I�need�way�more�fucking hair�than�that.
No,�this�is�the�amount of�hair�we�agreed�on.
Not�at�all.
I�got�more�hair on�my�right�ball.
And�moving�on.
[horse�neighing]
[everyone�cheering]
[Dewey]. It's�Mr.�June!
Come�on! What�the�hell�is�that?
[Backwoods]. What�the�fuck?
Stooly's�got�a�horse�body and�a�giant�horse�cock?
Centaur.�Get�it�right.
And�I�gave�Todd�actual�abs.
[Audrey]. I�don't�need�to�see�that.
[Dewey]. My�work�speaks�for�itself.
[drumroll] [Todd]. It's�fucking�weird,�Dewey.
Little�early�again,�Janet!
[Janet]���������Oh. -�All�right.
So�our�cover�model�for�the�first annual�Conch�calendar�is...
Janet?
What?!
[laughs]�Okay!
No! -�Yes!�Yes!
No,�Janet.
Now�is�the�time�to do�the�drumroll.
Oh.
Right.
[drumroll�music]
Whoa!�That's�me!
Oh,�yes! [crowd�cheering]
[Todd]. This�is�total�bullshit!
Fuck�this!
We�skipped�wing night�for�this?
I�gotta�get�another fucking�drink.
[drums�thumping]
You�can�go�get�it! Go�get�it!
Fernie,�beer�me,�now.
Oh�my�god,�Stool.
I'd�say�your�abs went�on�vacation.
Didn't�leave�a�note.
Fuck�off,�Fern.
When�was�the�last�time you�did�a�sit-up?
Accepting�you're�past�your prime�is�half�the�battle.
Yeah?�You�sure you've�accepted�it?
Yeah.�Yeah,�I fucking�accepted�it.
And�you�can�accept�this.
Happy�to�sign�it�for�you�too. -�I'm�good.
"Dear�Dickhead,�go�fuck�you."
Guess�I�can�use�it to�wipe�my�ass.
Hey. -�Hey.
I�think�you�look great�by�the�way.
[sighs]�Thanks.
I�thought�you�look�good�too.
What�did�you�think of�the�horse�cock?
Oh�yeah,�not�a�fan but�my�friend�might�be.
Get�over�here�you. -�[Todd]���������Really?
Yeah. -�Hi.
Hello�to�you.
She�knows�you're�a�dipshit but�she's�into�that.
Thanks�for�that. -�Yeah.�No�sweat.
I�guess�I�kinda�am.
What�up,�horse�cock?
What's�up,�werewolf�man.
Hey,�show�me�this�calendar.
I�don't�have�enough�hair,
but�I�actually�think I�look�pretty�good.
[Barb]. Me�too. It's�smooth�and�sexy.
You�look�great. -�Oh.
[Backwoods�howling]
Real�funny.
Two�Slagg,�please.
Thank�you.
There�we�go.�Wow.
You're�gonna�have�to tell�Todd�eventually
that�you're�hooking up�with�the�werewolf.
[Backwoods�howling]
[Backwoods�laughing]
I�mean,�do�I?
It's�just�sex.
[indistinct�chattering]
We've�only�sold�15�of�these.
And�Fernie,�the�bartender, bought�three�of�them.
[Jenn]. Yeah,�I�know,�but�you're�not factoring�in�word�of�mouth,
uh,�friends�and�family,�bribes.
No�one's�gonna�buy this�thing,�Jenn.
Fine.
What�are�you�doing?
How�many�orcas�does twenty�grand�save?
Okay,�you�can't�just make�this�out�to�whales.
Why�not?
Plus,�you�spelled�it�wrong.
That's�the�country.
Fun�night,�ladies.
Anyone�gonna�eat�this?
It's�gonna�spoil�if�not. I'm�taking�it.
That�would�be�a�shame. -�It's�all�you,�Barb.
But�you�have�to�pay for�the�calendar.
It's�our�fee!
See?�They�had�a�great�night.
All�right,�Chelsea.
Let's�not�forget�that Conch�is�my�company,�okay?
Get�your�own�shell.
Wails�again.
[Chelsea�sighing]
[Homer]. You�should've�seen�that-
Working�hard,�boys? -�There�he�is.
Last�week�was�a�write-off.
We�gotta�double�time�it. -�Oh,�check�it�out.
It's�cock�o'clock.
Check�out�Roach with�the�penis�pipe.
[in�English�accent]�Hello little�forest�animals.
Would�you�like�to smoke�some�cock?
[Taser]. Backwoods�with the�hammer�cocks.
You're�getting�rained�on by�a�couple�whale�cocks.
[Todd]. Anyone�know�who�drew�these?
Janet.
I�think�she's�only�ever seen�one�dick.�[laughs]
What�a�waste�of�time�this�was.
What�are�you�talking�about?
Dewey�gave�you�a stellar�AI�horse�cock
and�Janet�gave�you�another.
Yeah.�Double�dicker! -�Dos�coculos.
[Homer]. Multi-cock.
One�for�pleasure, one�for�pissing.
All�right,�back�to�work, you�fucks.
Cockasaurus�Rex.�[snarls]
Need�this.
[mellow�music]
Thank�you.
[midtempo�rock�music]
["It's�Called�Life" by�Matthew�Runaway]
?�Turnin'�these�wrenches
?�Bustin'�my�knuckles
?�Bangin�'em�into�steel
?�Workin'�overtime, tryin'�to�save�a�dime
?�But�the�tax man's�on�my�heels
?�I�can't�get�ahead, but�I�don't�fall�behind�?
What�the�fuck,�Dewey?
This�is�me.�It's�me!
You�do�not�have�a flute�that�big!
The�artiste�can�be�the subject�too,�you�know?
[Taser]. You�think�you're�the�GOAT?
There's�a�dormant�beast within�me�for�years.
A�beautiful, beautiful�goat�boy.
[Homer]. It�should've�stayed�dormant!
Really,�this�is�almost�your�last chance�to�get�one�of�these.
Uh,�well�what�about�this?
What�about�this?�I�have these�amazing�calendars.
As�you�can�see,�it's�me and�I�have�a�huge�penis,
which�is�very�much like�the�real�thing.
Just�saying,�okay?
So,�you�interested?
?�It's�called�life, you�get�up�and�grind
?�A�dollar�ain't�worth�it
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