Original subtitles

[♪ tense music playing]

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

-[knocking] -[person 1] [muffled] Room check!

-[person 2] Oh, shit. -[knocking]

[grunting] One second!

[person 1] Come on. Open up.

-Alright, where's the drugs? -[person 3] Drugs?

What are drugs?

[person 1] Search her room. Find them!

[student] [shouts] Oh! Come on, come on, come on.

Let's go, let's go...

Shirts, pants, socks, old pants. That's good!

[♪ fast music playing]

[students exclaiming]

[grunts] Ooh, sorry!

Move!

-Excuse me. Sorry. Whoo! -[student] My Yogurt!

[grunts]

-[groans] What the fuck? -[Montgomery] Sorry!

Fucking asshole!

-[doorbell jingling] -[panting]

[clattering]

♪♪

[coins rattling]

[buzzer sounding]

[bell ringing]

-[buzzer sounding] -[sighs]

[Montgomery clears throat]

Oh. Excuse me?

Yeah?

Yeah, do you by any chance have any extra quarters?

Oh, um, let me check.

[coins jingling]

-Yeah. -[chuckles]

[coins jingling in pocket]

Thanks. [chuckles]

Your name's Montgomery, right?

Yeah.

And your name's Ashley Mackenzie Merriman Gray?

-That is all four of them. Yeah. -Yeah.

Yeah, Ashley Mackenzie Merriman Gray. Like, it just kind of falls out.

You know, it's funny, I feel like we are always here

at the exact same time.

Well, no one's got dirtier undies than me.

Not from poop, to be clear.

-Or cum. -So, piss?

No, just normal stuff. I'm not weird.

[coins jingling]

[coins continue jingling]

Okay. [chuckles]

I'll see you around.

[sighs]

[♪ "Makin' It" by David Naughton playing]

♪ Makin' it, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Makin' it ♪

♪ I'm solid gold, I've got the goods ♪

♪ They stand when I walk through the neighborhoods ♪

♪ I'm makin' it ♪

-♪ I've got the chance, I'm taking it ♪ -Hey, guys. How are you?

♪ No more, no more ♪

♪ Fakin' it ♪

-♪ This time in life I'm makin' it ♪ -I'm sorry.

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Makin' it ♪

-[♪ music stops abruptly] -Eat shit.

[♪ music resumes]

♪ Hello uptown, goodbye pov-- ♪

-[♪ music stops abruptly] -That's what you get

for ruining the football team, asshole.

[elevator dings]

-[♪ music resumes] -[exhales] Hi.

-♪ I've got the chance-- ♪ -[♪ music stops abruptly]

-[groaning] -Fuck yourself

-and your freak-ass face! -[punch thuds]

♪ I'm taking it ♪

♪ No more, no more ♪

-♪ Faking it, it's time to-- ♪ -[exhales]

-[♪ music stops abruptly] -There he is!

-Oh, fuck! -♪ Makin' it ♪

[students shouting]

[overlapping shouting]

[student] Freak-ass face!

Alright, everybody, fuck off and listen to me for a second, please!

I know...

you're upset about what happened with the football team.

I'm sorry.

But who amongst us all hasn't ever made a mistake?

We all have.

So, if you don't think that I deserve

the basic human decency of a second chance,

then fine, go ahead.

Tape me to the top of that clock tower and pelt me

with water balloons full of piss. But if not--

-[thundering] -Goddammit.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[♪ music softens]

[coin jingling]

Hey, Jack.

-[fabric tearing] -Hi, Monty.

-How was your day? -Uh...

-[coin jingling] -Not great. How's yours?

-I'm covered in piss. -[sighs]

-I'm sorry. -It's okay.

You know what's gonna make it all better?

-Quiet night of sleep. -A concerning amount of alcohol.

-Let's boogie. -Oh, wow, we said very different things.

[student] Housing requests due by midnight.

Guys, housing requests due by midnight.

Montgomery and Jack,

email your housing requests in by midnight.

-Also, Jack, go fuck yourself. -Hm. Ha.

Where do you wanna live next year?

Should we do Orrick Tower?

Stonewell Court? Or... Ugh.

As long as it's not Gralk Hall.

That place is literal hell. Know what I mean?

Ah, come on, dude. Stop hiding. Just ask her out.

Are you nuts? No!

-Why? -Girls like Ashley

-don't like guys like me. -What's wrong with you?

I'm weird! I sound like a little old man.

Girls like alphas, strong provider types.

-Like him. -[spitting]

-[spitting] Ooh. -Hot.

So, that's why I'm gonna trick her into thinking I'm an alpha.

And then, she'll ask me out.

Wow, that's the creepiest thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

-It's not creepy, it's sweet. -You barely know her.

You may not even actually like her.

Of course I like her. When I think of the two of us together,

it feels like I'm floating on a cloud of lavender

while being sung to by lollipop pixies.

Never mind. That's the creepiest thing

I've ever heard in my entire life.

-Stop staring at her. -[gasps]

[laughing]

It's time to take this and put it into this,

-so we can turn off this. -[sighs]

-Look at her. -Whoa.

-Exquisite, right? -Dang.

Give her a touch.

Give her a stroke. Perv.

-[chuckles] -Want to do a toast?

Uh, may the crop grow strong, and your pants stay up, and the night--

Don't worry, man, I got this shit. To turning around this shitty day.

[knocking]

-[Jack] Ah, fuck. -[Montgomery] Crud.

Logan!

What's up, dildos?

-Can we please not do this tonight? -[Logan] Relax.

I know that we... come in here every weekend,

we hold you down, and we fart in your faces

for what you did to the football team.

But we have taken some time to reflect, and...

we decided to apologize.

Wow. Really?

No, we came to [shouts] fart on your faces!

-Fuck you! Fuck you! -Pin him down!

Fuck you! [shouting]

-Come here. -[groaning]

-Accept your fate! -[Jack] I will never fucking

accept this shit. Fuck!

I'll save you the trouble.

-Right here okay? -That's perfect. Thanks.

[exclaiming, struggling]

-[Jack] Fucking fuck off. -[Logan] You know the drill.

-Ew! Ew! Ugh! -[Montgomery] It's okay, Jack.

-Think happy thoughts. -Shut up, Montgomery!

-Open wide, pookie. -[Jack] No!

No! No!

-[Jack screaming] -[Logan farting]

[Logan] Oh, shit!

Hey, dumbass, mind if I borrow your charger?

Oh, I should warn you, it's actually a third-party charger,

and it's technically against the terms of service to use it.

Shut up.

Dude, this pajama party tonight is gonna be so sick.

-Pregame at my place? -Totally.

-I got beer. -Nice!

-I got some weed. -Swag.

And I'm bringing Wizard's Oath.

[farting]

What?

It's a fantasy board game.

[muffled] It's actually really fun.

-[loud farting] -[Jack screaming]

[laughter]

That was refreshing, dawg.

-I feel, like, a pound lighter. -[gasping, coughing]

Alright, let's bounce.

-[electricity zapping] -Oh! What the fuck?

Your charger fried my phone.

Well, I did warn you it's a third-party charger.

You break my phone? Huh? How 'bout...

-Oh, shit. -...I break your bottle?

-[bottle shattering] -Nooo!

-[wailing] -[bullies laughing]

Look at his freak-ass face.

-Losers. -Later, dickheads!

[moaning]

Just give us a fucking break.

[friend] Lizzy!

-[Jack] Fuck! -Ugh! Oh!

Fuck all those guys.

God, I hope I don't get pink eye again.

This whole night's fucking ruined.

Well, maybe it's for the best.

I was gonna start Lysander on a new brand of nectar tonight,

-and he gets temperamental-- -No!

No!

I can't stand another night listening to you talk

about the dietary restrictions of your pet butterfly.

We are in college, Monty.

These are supposed to be the best years of our lives.

Look at me.

I'm the type of guy who's built for a place like this, dude.

I could be ruling the school.

I should be doing Jell-O shots and sparkler keg stands,

but everyone hates me.

-Well, well, not me. -You don't count.

Okay, I know what you need. I'm ordering us a pizza. [chuckles]

Because no matter how bad things are,

pizza makes everything a little better.

Remember first semester,

when we ate pizza and played games all night--

Stop. What are you doing? You don't get to do a speech.

I'm doing a speech. I'm sad.

Plus, pizza's not gonna do anything for me, man.

I need something to obliterate my brain!

[tin clatters]

[♪ mysterious music playing]

What's this?

Mints?

♪♪

[singers vocalizing]

[Jack] [gasps] Oh, my God.

These are drugs.

No. No.

-No! -Come on!

-Are you insane? -What are the odds of this?

Well, I'm not doing random ceiling drugs. We don't even know what they are.

Fine. We'll do some research, hm?

"Drugs." "Pink pill."

"Exploding head."

"What the fuck?"

-One result?! -That's shady.

-[video plays] -[singers] ♪ Om ♪

Tidings, psychedelic adventurers!

It's me, Frankie, of course.

-[singers] ♪ Frankie ♪ -[voice] Of course!

Her green screen sucks.

I'll be your cosmic captain on this journey today.

Please keep your vibes inside the vehicle at all times.

-[imitating boat horn] -[boat horn blowing]

-Skip ahead. -Yeah, I'ma skip ahead.

-[video skipping] -I dated Mickey Rourke.

-It was fine. -Keep-Keep going forward.

-Alright. -[video skipping]

Presenting: Mind Igniting Neural Tuning Stimulants,

or M.I.N.T.S.

-That is dangerously misleading. -Whoo!

This drug will give you an incredible high.

-Ah! -How would I describe it?

It makes you feel like you're floating on a cloud of lavender,

being sung to by lollipop pixies.

-[computer key clicks] -[video stops]

Dude, that's exactly your thing.

No.

-Come on. Come on. -No. No.

-Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. -No. No. No. No.

-I love you. -N-- I love you, too.

-Come on. Please? I'll do anything. -No. No.

-No! No! No! -Come on. Come on. Really?

Jack, the answer's no!

And now, we wait.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

-[projector clacking] -[RA] Drugs.

Alcohol. Debauchery.

Every year, our school sinks deeper

into a swamp of vice and buffoonery.

Until now.

[♪ ominous choir music playing]

Welcome, fellow RAs.

For weeks, we have been preparing for tonight.

To rain fiery vengeance upon the drug-addled delinquents

that have turned this dorm into a waking nightmare.

-There will be no mercy. -[RA] Mm.

[Blake] Order will be restored.

And those who have violated our rules

shall be shattered on the anvil of discipline!

Are you with me?!

[all] Yes, Resident Advisor!

Yes! Oh.

[chuckles]

Sorry, I'm new. I'm just out of sync. I'm new.

This guy didn't tell me about the call and response.

[growls] [chuckles] I wouldn't.

It was very scary.

Let's move out.

And then I'm like, "Guys, don't worry, I'm not gonna fart in your faces."

And then I fucking farted in his face, dude!

-[laughter] -Those guys fucking blow!

Those guys fucking blow.

[laughter]

Yeah, those guys fucking blow.

They are funny, though.

[laughter stops abruptly]

[Logan] What?

Did you just say they're funny?

No. [chuckles nervously]

Why would I say that?

I-- [chuckles] Anyway.

-Let's get fucked up! -[glass breaking]

-[all groan] -Oh, my-- Lizzy-uh!

[Logan whimpering]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's fine.

[phone keys clicking]

-[text whooshing] -[phones chiming and vibrating]

-Oh, man, I'm tired. -Yeah, it's late.

-I also am tired. -[Logan] Me too.

Maybe we should call it a night.

Hey, Lizzy, you're closest to the door.

Why don't you just leave first and the rest of us will follow?

Okay, sure. Yeah.

See you around.

[scoffs]

Hey, remember when I said I wasn't gonna fart in their faces,

-but then I did fart in their faces? -You know, I-I guess I'll just cancel

this party bus that I got for us.

-Hm? -Party bus?

I, uh, ordered us this totally awesome party bus as a surprise.

-[gasps] -But, but, but if you're tired,

-then I'll just cancel it. -No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.

Do not cancel it.

I feel like I'm getting a second wind.

-Yeah, me too. -I also am no longer tired.

Can I get a, "Lizzy"? Lizzy.

[all chanting] Lizzy. Lizzy. Lizzy!

Lizzy! Lizzy!

Lizzy! You fucking rule, dude! You think I can honk the horn?

[♪ "Sound of the Money" by Inside Cuts playing]

♪ Stack my chips, then I pop my collar ♪

♪ Learn from the best, I lead, they follow ♪

♪ I'm getting money, can't talk, I'll holla ♪

♪ That's the sound of the money ♪

♪ Jackpot, there's more that's coming ♪

♪ Couple commas, couple zeros ♪

♪ Time to get to the money, let's go ♪

[silence]

-You feel anything? -No.

Wait.

No.

Fuck. Are these duds?

Guess so. Wanna play Wizard's Oath?

No, we can't. We need three people.

I could play.

No, it'd take too long to teach you the rules.

[squelching]

-Oh no. -[♪ tense music playing]

[both screaming]

Somebody help!

Are you ready, kids?

-[kids] Yeah! -Here we go!

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

-♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪ -[Jack exclaims]

-♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪ -Why are our hands singing?

♪ No one's gonna die today ♪

[Jack] Oh.

Hey.

-[puppet creaking] -You seeing this?

-Ooh, he's moving. -Um, he's coming towards us.

He's getting real close. Oof!

-He wants me to shake his hand. -Just go for it, yeah.

-[horn honking] -Oh! Oh!

-He touched my nipple! -Hey, what the fuck, man?

[person] Eh-stop!

-Hola. My name is Juan. -[whip cracks]

-Nice to meet you. -Hi.

-[baby cooing] -Is that a fucking baby?

-The bebé does not like your work. -[baby whines]

Do it again.

[both screaming]

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

-This again?! -[screaming]

Fuck. No.

-Please stay over there. -No. Back up.

-Don't do it. -I don't wanna be impolite.

-What? Monty-- -Oh, he did it again.

-What did you expect? -[Juan] Stop!

-[baby babbles] -She hates it. Do it again.

-[both screaming] -♪ Happy, happy, nice, nice ♪

Hey!

-No, not again! He's a demon. -[screaming]

-[baby screams] -Again.

I'm in hell!

-He's gone. -[screaming]

-♪ No one's gonna die today ♪ -Again.

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice, everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

-[screaming] -Again.

-[screaming] -I don't want this anymore!

-[maniacal laughing] -Fuck you, baby!

-Again! -[screaming]

♪ No one's gonna die today, someone's gonna die today ♪

♪ We're all gonna die today ♪

-[applause] -She likes it.

-[cheering and applause] -The baby likes it!

[both singing in unison]

[both screaming]

Why are we in the fucking show--?!

Well, the good news is the drugs work.

Oh, do they?!

None of that felt like a gentle cloud of lavender!

I just got molested by Pinocchio's cousin!

Did that happen? I think I already repressed that.

Alright, we gotta figure out what this stuff is.

Lysander, no, get out of there! Crate!

No drugs for you.

-[computer key clicks, video plays] -[Frankie] You feel like you're floating

on a cloud of lavender,

being sung to by lollipop pixies.

-[buzzer sounding] -So long as you take it with food.

-What? -Without food,

the drug has six distinct phases,

punctuated by normal periods of lucidity.

First is a prologue called Make The Baby Like It.

Definitely did that one.

-Then, No Bad Words. -[bleep]

Flashbacks.

The Ol' Switcheroo.

Nothing But The Truth.

And We Are All One.

[all singing]

-[rapid clicking] -What's that?

It's my WorryWart. It calms me down.

Gotta say, I'm pretty dang proud of myself for making these drugs.

-[Jack] Huh? -I made them right here

in my dorm room, 3J.

Oh, shit. Sorry.

Wait. Is that this room?

I know I'm still in college, but don't worry.

I'm a chemistry genius, okay?

-Well, that's good. -I mean, hell,

I friggin' built these cabinets using my own homemade epoxy.

[items clanging and clattering]

We're gonna die.

-A few important things before I forget. -[buzzer sounding]

One, do not take more than a single dose.

If you do, you will see the true, horrible nature of reality.

-What does that mean? -And two, there is a final phase

that I didn't yet mention.

It's called Your Worst Nightmare Comes to Life

and Shoves a Chainsaw Up Your Ass.

Wh-- What?

My boyfriend, Garrett, went through it, and look what happened to him.

-[gasps] -Anyway, if you don't want that

to happen to you, eat some food.

And by food, I mean specifically a mixture

of wheat, nightshades, and dairy.

-[panting] -So, pizza?

[Frankie] Yeah, it's pizza, dum-dums.

Happy sailing!

Hope you don't get chainsaw-fucked.

-[imitating boat horn] -[boat horn blowing]

[Jack groaning]

Your Worst Nightmare Comes to Life and Shoves a Chainsaw Up Your Ass!

-Okay. -Cheese and rice!

I just wanted a quiet night, and now I'm gonna get chainsaw-fucked

-by the Rat King from The Nutcracker! -Chill, dude. That's not gonna--

Uh, wait, your worst nightmare is the Rat King from The Nut--

From the New Jersey Ballet's 2007 production of The Nutcracker.

You haven't seen it. It's terrifying.

It's not gonna happen, okay? What did she say?

It'll mellow out when we have some pizza.

-[phone buzzing] -And look, there it is right now.

Hello, sir. Can you please bring the pizza

directly to room 3J, with extreme haste?

[robotic voice] Hello.

I am Snackatron 3000.

I have arrived at your location with a food delivery

for Montgomery from the restaurant...

[worker] [over phone] What do I say, the name of the pizza place?

-Okay, it's Joe's Piz-- -It's a fucking robot.

[Snackatron] Actually, I'm a Snackatron.

3J! Bring the pizza to 3J, now.

[Snackatron] I am sorry, but there is a set of stairs

impeding my journey.

Stairs are my mortal enemy.

To receive your pizza from...

[worker] [over phone] [sighs] I gotta record this again? Joe's Pi--

[Snackatron] I'm afraid you will need to meet me in the lobby.

[♪ ominous music playing]

I hope you will be satisfied with your order.

No, Snackatron, I will not be satisfied, no.

There's no way we're going out there.

Ashley's out there, RAs, and who knows what else.

Hey, it's gonna be fine, dude. It's just two flights of stairs.

-Right? -[sighs]

Come on, I'm gonna be with you the whole time.

[chuckles] Yeah, w-- Yeah.

-[♪ upbeat music playing] -♪ Watch how I walk ♪

♪ You wanna chat to me, watch how you talk ♪

♪ Leave my legacy, leave my mark ♪

♪ On top, best help, I'm the boss ♪

♪ Boss, boss, boss, boss, bo-bo-b-b-b-b ♪

[door closes]

Why are you wearing a suit?

I don't want people to know I'm high.

-Smart. -So, what's our plan?

Okay, it's simple.

We take the elevator down, we grab the pizza, we eat it,

and then, we're floating on a cloud of lavender

before the next phase even hits.

-You ready? -Yes.

-I don't know. Okay, yes. -Great.

Then let's do this fucking--

[screaming]

-[gasps] Oh! Oh! -[panting] What? What?

Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh! Are you okay?

Yeah, I think, I think, I think.

What the fuck--

[screaming]

Why are our heads exploding? What in the absolute hell?

[screaming]

Fuck!

[gasps]

Okay! Okay! Just don't do anything!

I'm not doing anything.

I think our heads explode if we say curse words?

Goddammit.

No!

[gasps] Fine. Okay.

I'll just say, like, dang it.

-[screaming] -Darn it?

-[screaming] -Alright! I'll make up my own.

Cremble sauce.

We can't say cremble sauce?

-[panting] -Okay.

Just stay super G-rated. And let's get to the elevator.

[chuckles] Hey, it's freak-ass face.

Hey, suck my dick.

[chuckles] Hey, it's freak-ass face.

Hey, suck my dick.

Alright, it's out of my system.

-[chuckles] Hey. -Hey--

[indistinct chatter]

Almost there. [chuckles]

-And we're here. -[Ashley] Montgomery!

-Hey. -Holy crap.

You got this, man.

I'm a provider, I'm suave, I'm an alpha, woo-hoo!

Montgomery! Hi.

Wassup, playa?

Shit.

-Hi. -Ahoy there.

Nope. Queef.

-Hi. -Happy evening to you,

my sweet baby, baby, baby.

Fuck that.

I'ma pitch you a line. "Hi, Ashley."

-Hi, Ashley. -Just like that.

Hi, Ashley.

-Hi. -Hey, I did it.

Well, don't say it out loud, dumbass.

-Hi. -Hi, Ashley.

What's that?

It's my WorryWart, which alphas don't use,

-so we gotta start this whole thing over. -No, it's cute, it's cute, it's fine.

Cunt.

[scoffs] Excuse me?

-Cunt. -[Ashley] What?

-Not you. Cunt? -Cunt!

-Sorry. -Sorry. Cunt!

-Sorry. Cunt, sorry. -Cunt. Sorry.

-Sorry. Cunt. -Cunt.

-Cunt. Cunt. Cunt. -Cunt. Cunt. Cunt.

-Cunt. -Stop!

We can say "cunt," but we can't say "cremble sauce"?

[Frankie] I sourced the chemicals from Manchester, England.

Oh, it's a British drug.

That's so fucking stupid.

-Hi. -Hi, Ashley.

How's your night going? Grood?

"Grood"? Shart.

-Hi. -Hi, Ashley.

How's your night going? Good?

Yeah, I've actually had a crazy week working on my music thesis, so.

-Oh, so you're a music major? -Yeah.

-Who's your favorite musician? -Sondheim.

Sondheim? I love musicals.

Oh, Stephen Sondheim? I hate him.

I like Matsuishi Sondheim.

Who the fuck is that?

Okay, apparently, this guy does something called Clowncore Vomit Opera.

[♪ chaotic music playing]

Have you ever heard of Matsuishi Sondheim?

Oh, my God. Are-Are you serious? I love him.

Have you ever heard of the song that goes...

[growling]

[howling]

Duh! "My Mother Pisses Death"?

Nobody ever likes that one.

And most guys are real pussies about it,

but it's so cool to meet someone that's actually into it.

-[Montgomery] Mm-hm. -[warbling]

-Well, this has been nice. -Yeah.

I hope the rest of your night is real "grood."

Oh, duckfucker! Ah!

Uh, "duckfucker"?

Oh, no. Is it over?

Is what over?

-The American dream. -Oh.

-Yes. -Yep.

Anyway, I am starving, so I'm gonna go get some food.

But it was great getting to know you.

I'll see ya.

[excited squeal]

[chuckles] My friggin' boy. Uh...

-[sighs] -Just so you know,

I got a weird fucking vibe about her.

[♪ mellow music playing]

-[knocking] -[RA] Room check.

[panting, grunts]

Come in!

[door creaks]

[♪ tense sting]

[door creaks]

[Blake] Sorry to interrupt.

[chair scraping]

-May I? -Please, yeah.

[exhales]

[sputtering] This stuff's so annoying.

-[clears throat] -Okay. Prohibited items.

-Do you guys have any drugs, alcohol? -No.

-Uh, firearms, weaponry? -No.

Freestanding waffle makers?

-No. -Hm.

Any...

large bongs... shaped like a jar of dill pickles?

[♪ tense music playing]

No.

Great! I will leave you to it.

Ooh.

[cheese bubbling]

You know...

some kids lie. [chuckles]

They think I won't notice, but...

lies have a smell.

A texture.

It clings to their clothes.

Like smoke.

You're hiding a pickle bong and some alcoholic iced tea, are you not?

Yes.

You're hiding them in the fridge, aren't you?

Yes.

[♪ tense sting]

Deli drawer or crisper?

[♪ tense sting]

Crisper.

[clicking tongue] Well, that's a violation.

I'm afraid I'll have to confiscate your phone for the night.

Wait, no, you can't confiscate my phone.

I said, "Confiscate his phone!"

[♪ ominous choir music playing]

[distorted voice] What will become of me?!

Each of you has a list.

You are to collect the cell phones of everyone on it.

Use whatever justification you need. Understood?

[all] Yes, Resident Advisor, sir!

-[clacking] -[Jack] Hell, did someone break this?

Come on, why is it taking so long?

-Fuck. -[student sobbing]

-[Montgomery] Jeez. -[Jack] Oh, God, this guy.

[Montgomery] What happened?

He got transferred to Gralk Hall.

-No. -Yeah.

The worst dorm in school.

-It's four hours away. -[student continues sobbing]

He might as well be dead.

[wailing]

[whispering] That was his fuck buddy.

-Sorry for your loss. -Go fuck yourself, Jack.

We gotta get our housing requests in.

[elevator dings]

Oh, thank God. It got stuck between floors.

Can you guys please get me out of here?

-Stairs? -Wait. Wait, no!

You can't just leave me like this! No, I'm gonna go insane!

-Please, come back! -Alright, just two floors and we're good.

[student] No! Somebody help! Somebody help me!

Oh, no!

-Where are you taking me? -Shit.

-RAs. -They took my phone!

-They took my phone! -They took his phone.

-[student] What will become of me?! -Are they allowed to do that?

[student] What will become of us? No!

Take him to the Wellness Lounge.

Yeah, alright, guys, let's get him to the Wellness Lounge.

I love it. I agree. It's a good plan.

-Who are you again? -Oh! I'm Sidney Putt. [chuckles]

Sophomore RA in training.

-You're a sophomore? -Yeah.

But I am 31 years young.

I took a bit of a gap decade before I started school.

-Wow. -But, now I'm so excited to be an RA.

-Uh-huh. -I'd love to know the inside jokes.

-Mm. -Who's ribbing who? Who's kissing who?

[giggles] You ever huff helium?

Shut the fuck up!

You two stay, and don't let anyone downstairs.

-Fuck us. -Crud.

Now how do we get downstairs?

[gasps]

[Jack] Building renovations.

They're scaffolding outside the corner room.

We could just climb down to the second floor from there, huh?

-We got this. -[knocking]

Hi, we were wondering if we could use your window.

You.

Oh, hey, it's you.

[student] Fuck off!

What the hell was that about?

Earlier today, I accidentally hit him with a football.

Great, so we're stuck.

Hey, Logan. Uh, sorry, just call me back.

I can't find you guys, so.

-Hi. -Hi, Lizzy.

Hi.

-Why are you wet? -Uh, I just, um,

I'm having kind of a weird night, uh, but I'm fine.

Dandy. Bye.

Bye... Asshole.

[gasps] No!

[both] Oh! Oh! Oh!

-Your head's been exploding! -You're on our drug!

What? What?

-[laughing] -What are you talking about?

But I didn't take any drugs!

You are so fucked.

[both laughing]

-Stop laughing. -I don't know why I'm laughing.

I think it's a trauma response.

But I didn't take any... [gasps]

Oh, my God. This all makes sense now.

Earlier tonight, when I was in your room...

Logan was talking about the pajama party,

and I spotted a tin of mints on your desk.

[Jack] Those weren't mints, dumbass.

-[Montgomery] Lizzy, those were not mints. -[Lizzy] No shit, I'm aware.

Because I ate one, and just a little later...

Why are my hands singing?!

...I started tripping my goddamn balls off

in front of Logan and all of his friends.

[singing wildly]

Wait, how are we even seeing this?

Are we, like, inside her memory?

Shit, think I remember this from the video.

This must be the next phase.

There's more of these?

[Frankie] [in video] There is a final phase that I didn't yet mention.

It's called Your Worst Nightmare Comes to Life

and Shoves a Chainsaw Up Your Ass.

[Lizzy/Montgomery] Your Worst Nightmare Comes to Life

and Shoves a Chainsaw Up Your Ass?

See? I do sound like a little old man.

You dumb fucks!

Who just leaves drugs out for anyone to take?

Who eats random pills out of a tin?

I've never done anything that stupid in my life.

-You ready, Montgomery? -What's the plan here, Jack?

We leap off the roof and float to the ground

like a pair of graceful falcons.

You were saying?

Alright, so I've done one dumb thing.

But at least we had fun.

[screaming]

[sighs] This is, like, the worst day of my life.

I'm Lizzy the Magnificent.

-Oh, my God. -Oh, my God.

[young Lizzy] Everyone, look closely.

Now, it's a banana, and now...

-it's a chicken. -[rubber chicken squeaking]

[gasps] You're incredible!

Were you using wires or mirrors back here?

-Now, could I have a volunteer? -[Jack] Mm!

This is so lame.

[students laughing]

[laughter continues]

Jesus Christ. Children are fucking sociopaths.

[laughter echoing]

I didn't know you did magic. You should have told me you did magic.

I would have loved to have seen some tricks.

You know, back when we were friends.

I miss those Wednesdays. We'd all meet in the cafeteria

-and play Wizard's Oath. -Yes! Yes!

-Okay, alright... -[Montgomery] It was so fun.

'Member how far we got? We were about to storm

the Fortress of Thalamir and finally finish the game.

But then, Lizzy ditched us.

That's fucking good, dawg.

I'll tell them I'm not gonna fart in their faces,

but then I totally will do that!

Hang on. I never ditched you guys.

[Lizzy] Don't say I ditched you.

[student] Lizzy!

Also, you're leaving out the part where you sabotaged the whole football team.

Oh, come on! That was an accident!

-Yeah, right. -What the fuck?

Wait. I can prove it.

It was first semester. I was king of the campus.

A.K.A., I was the school mascot.

So, per tradition, I held the honor

of leading the football team in their annual naked run.

Gentlemen!

-Cheeks out! -[players cheering]

Have fun out there. Just remember, stick to the path.

[Jack] But I had bigger plans than the path.

[player] Let's go! Paper it on three, baby, one, two, three!

[all players shouting]

[overlapping chatter]

[Jack] Everyone hated Professor Quinn,

so I figured they'd love me if I made him spend his entire day

-getting followed by 50 naked dicks. -[players shouting]

It was a flawless plan, until the stupid professor

-went off campus and ran directly by... -[whistle blowing]

...a police station during...

Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.

Every single player got put on the sex offender registry.

That was that.

-[Lizzy sighs] -I was doing so well.

I was making friends, I was having fun.

For once in my life, people actually liked me.

And then, poof, overnight, for no reason, they all just turned on me.

-Again, not me. -Again, you don't count.

No, but what do you mean "for no reason"? I-I mean, you broke the rules.

You, you were reckless with the football team's dicks.

I wasn't even think-- I wasn't thinking about the dicks.

Well, that's my point.

Maybe you should have been thinking about their dicks.

Why are we even talking about dicks?

I am the victim here. Tell her, Montgomery.

I mean, maybe you could stand to think

a little bit more about other people's dicks.

-[Montgomery] Excuse me! Sorry! Whoo! -[Jack] You guys don't fucking get it.

[student] My yogurt!

Wait. Wait! Oh!

Whoo! [grunts]

-Hi. -Dude, you saved my ass!

-You're welcome. -[tin can clattering]

What just happened? Did I just interact with a memory?

Montgomery, my man!

This guy saved my ass earlier.

Nice. Can we use your window?

Of course, yeah. Come on in.

Oh, let me go grab your thing real quick.

What? Did we change the past?

How is that even scientifically possible?

I don't know. You wanna disprove quantum theory

or get a pizza? Come on.

Wait, wait. Uh, wh-wh-where are you guys going?

-Nowhere. Eat shit. -We're climbing down the scaffolding to...

-Don't tell her. -...get downstairs to get a pizza 'cause

-that's the only way the drugs stop. -Montgomery. Goddammit!

Okay, great, let's go.

'Scuse me? You are not coming with us.

You and Logan, fucking fart Hitler,

just used us as literal toilet paper.

Well, I didn't. I just--

Stood by and watched like a good German?

Honestly, that might be worse. Right, Montgomery?

I'd actually love if we use a different metaphor.

You guys can't just leave me here, okay?

Without my credit card, my friends can't use the party bus.

Oh, no! You mean to tell me that Logan

may have a slightly less fun night?

Tough titty. Let's go.

Okay. Listen up, assholes.

If you guys don't let me come with you,

I'm gonna make sure Logan sharts on you next time.

-[both gasp] -Not fart. Shart.

To get that stain out, you won't just need soap,

you'll need therapy.

Okay, guys, come on. We need to work together.

Now, what do you say?

-Fuck no. -You want to hold hands?

Yeah. It boosts endorphins and supports cooperative thinking.

Here's this back.

This shit is wild.

Wait, how did you get--

Hope you don't mind I took one. Those five phases were so fun.

Oh, you mean six phases?

Oh, there's a sixth phase? What is it?

[Montgomery/Jack] Uh, I don't know.

[♪ ominous music playing]

No.

Oh, God, no. [whimpering]

It's a mall Santa holding a chainsaw!

Mall Santa?

-[screaming] -[all exclaiming]

-Oh! -Oh, my God!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. [screaming]

Oh, fuck!

[whimpering]

[screaming]

Now, what? What?

How the fuck is he levitating?

Oh, dear God. [exclaiming]

-[chainsaw starting] -No, Santa!

-[chainsaw revving] -I promise! I've been good!

-[chainsaw buzzing] -[screaming]

[screaming]

-[♪ haunting Christmas music playing] -Kill me!

-[♪ music stops] -[chainsaw stops buzzing]

We gotta get that fucking pizza.

[Snackatron] What is up, my dude? Good to meet a fellow delivery unit.

-What is your name? -What the fuck?

- [Snackatron] Hello... -[delivery person] What the fuck?

[Snackatron] Do you also delight in satisfying customers?

I do.

When I receive a rating of five stars,

my circuits surge with digital euphoria.

But to receive anything less is failure.

Doom.

Oblivion.

What the fuck?

[Snackatron] Yes, and I am Snackatron.

[Jack] Alright, let's climb down.

[grunting] The scaffolding is shaky as shit.

We should probably go one at a time.

Ooh! I almost biffed it.

-[Jack grunting] -[rapid clicking]

[Montgomery] Hey, is that a WorryWart?

Oh, um, yeah.

They're great, right? Not the newer models.

They kinda suck 'cause they added too many doodads.

It's, like, six more sides, it's terrible.

But, you know, if you need any other recs, let me know.

Like, for example, when I'm really freaking out,

it helps when someone grabs my right earlobe

and blows on my nose.

Um, listen.

I just want to say, I...

I didn't ditch you guys. I just-- You were like my--

No, I get it.

You got to go with the alphas.

I'm actually becoming an alpha myself.

-[shrieks] -Ah! What?! What?

[exhales] Oh.

-N-Nothing happened. -Oh, yeah.

No, I know. I just thought, like, something might.

[both sigh and chuckle]

Anyhow. Cheers.

-[Jack] Guys! -[shrieks]

[Jack] Get down here!

[people chattering]

[♪ upbeat music playing]

Whoa.

It's the pajama party.

[Jack] You guys think they have Jell-O shots?

[Lizzy] Who cares?

[Ashley] Montgomery!

-Montgomery! -[Montgomery] Oh, my God.

-Ashley's here. -Montgomery! Come meet my friends!

-What should I do? -Nothing.

-Should I go talk to her? -[Jack] No.

-[Lizzy] Montgomery. -Come on, we have a fucking mission.

Okay, I won't.

I-I'm not gonna go talk to her, I'm just gonna go talk to her.

-Get the fuck back over here. -Montgomery.

-Wish me luck. -[both] No!

-Bad luck, you fucker. There he goes. -[Lizzy] Fuck.

I'm honestly a little proud of him. Any other night, this would be great.

Wait, whose dorm is this?

[♪ upbeat music continues playing]

This is a football party.

Yo, we got kegs, beer pong, and I'm legally required

to tell you I'm a registered sex offender.

[Lizzy] It's fine. Let's just keep moving and get to the pizza.

Jack?

Come in, come in, come in. Guys, this is Montgomery.

Montgomery, this is my band.

Oh, hi. Nice to meet you guys.

-[snarling] -'Kay.

So, what type of music do you guys play?

-We play folk music. -Oh, my gosh, I love folk.

Yeah? Here. Flyers. [chuckles]

-Oh. -Well, I guess technically, it's new wave,

non-consensual Death Metal Folk.

Uh, what type of instruments is that?

So, George plays guitar, Simon's on horns,

Tina's on drums, and I play Dudley.

[muffled] Nice to meet you.

-You play Dudley? -Yeah.

I hook him up to this machine that simulates the pains of childbirth,

and then I create harmonies from his extracted screams.

-Fantastic. -Yeah.

-Hey! -Ah! Oh, it's you. Okay.

What are you doing under here? Come on, let's go.

Are you nuts?

These animals will eat me alive. No, I'm staying right here.

Fine, whatever. I'll just go figure out a way

to get this pizza without you.

Great, good. Just go ditch us again.

-Can you just stop with that, okay? -Oh.

-Because I didn't ditch you guys. -No?

You were like my first-month-of-school friends,

and then I found my real friends, and it happens to everyone.

Your real friends?

-Yes. -Give me a fucking break.

They don't like you, they like your credit card.

-[gasps] -[gasps mockingly]

You have no idea what you're talking about.

You're just jealous because you're you...

[in Lizzy's voice] ...and I'm [in Jack's voice] me.

What just happened to my voice?

And why am I looking at me?

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Am I in your body?

[♪ "Also Sprach Zarathustra" by Richard Strauss playing]

I don't know if you know this, but I recently became an alpha.

-[thud] -Oh, nice! Is this the coke room?

[grunting] Whoops. Sorry about that.

Anyhow, like I was saying, I hate soy boy beta cucks.

Did you just apologize to him?

Yeah. I mean, no. I mean--

Okay, I think I'm just gonna go hang out

-with my friends. -Wait, uh...

[Ashley] Montgomery?

-[♪ gentle flute music playing] -[Montgomery] Huh?

What's going on? Where am I?

Wait. Oh, my God! Am I...?

[♪ dramatic music sting]

[high-pitched voice] What the fuck is this fucking drug?

[♪ party music thumping]

Are you okay?

[deep voice] I crave nectar.

Sorry?

I... crave... nectar.

Jack, did you paint your fingernails with Sharpie?

-Shut up, they look great. -What's wrong with you?

Yo.

-Lizzy? -[Jack, as Lizzy] Yeah?

Hm?

I'm not talking to you. Lizzy.

-What? -Stop it.

Dude, what are you doing down here with freak-ass face?

[laughing] Actually, I'm hanging out with him because he fucking rules.

No! No, you don't think that. You think I blow.

-No, I don't. -Yeah, you do.

-No, I don't. -Yeah, you do.

No, I don't, and I really wouldn't call his face freak-ass.

I would call it distinguished.

And I don't know why people keep saying that.

Yeah, you fucker, you do.

You think people should spit in my face.

-Spit in my face. -[spitting]

Thank you.

'Kay. Well, we're over by the bar. Come hang.

What are you waiting for? Go hang.

I'm not hanging out with those assholes.

You go to them, or... I will rip your dick off!

Oh, you touch my dick, I will piss your skort.

[Tiffany] Lizzy! Jell-O shots!

[♪ entrancing music playing]

-Okay, fine. -Yes. Thank you.

-But you owe me one. -Sure.

Just make me look good, please. Please.

-'Kay. -Yeah, no shit.

-What's up, sluts? -God, Jack.

-[groaning] -Let's do some Jell-O shots!

Hey, dude, could you grab that ball?

Also, I am legally required to inform you I'm a registered sex offender.

Huh?

Wait. It's you!

It's me? Oh, fuck, it's me.

Oh, fuck! Ah, my purse!

[♪ electronic classical music playing]

[Montgomery, as Lysander] This can't be real. This can't be real.

I can't see shit. This face sucks!

[♪ music intensifying]

[Montgomery, as Lysander] Whoa! 'Scuse me.

I shall have nectar!

[Montgomery, as Lysander] I hope Lysander's being responsible with my body.

Hey, man, do a bump.

Nectar!

[Montgomery, as Lysander] Where are the stairs?!

[friends chanting] Lizzy! Lizzy! Lizzy!

Ow! Ow!

-Ow! Ow! -Yo, yo, yo. Hey, yo.

-What are you doing? -Oh, Logan, thank God.

-You gotta hit him way harder than that. -[groaning] Huh?

You gotta lean into it. Use your back.

-Ow! -[Logan] Yes!

-That's that shit I'm talkin' 'bout, baby! -[Jack] Ow!

[Montgomery, as Lysander] Oh, come on. Where are the--

Stairs! [panting]

How does Lysander do this all the time?

I gotta take a break.

-[panting] -[voice] Eyes front.

[Montgomery, as Lysander] Wait, that voice. Is that...?

Advisors, prepare yourselves.

Just down that hall...

there is a pajama party.

[Montgomery, as Lysander] Oh no.

And in it, are the remaining students on our list.

[Montgomery, as Lysander] List?

This list contains the name of every student in this dorm

that has made our lives a living hell.

[Montgomery, as Lysander] Alright, let me see. [gasps]

What?! No! Holy shit!

Did you also just hear the tiniest voice in the world say, "Holy shit"? [chuckles]

We move quickly.

We confiscate their phones, unlock them with our secret weapon,

and then use them to submit a very specific housing request...

to transfer them to the worst dorm at this school.

[Montgomery, as Lysander] [gasps] What?!

I'm of course talking about...

Gralk Hall.

[bird cawing]

Located four hours away on a satellite campus forgotten by God.

[thunder crashing]

Lit by candle, plumbed by aqueduct,

and heated by the bitter breath of unheard prayers.

Gralk is a cemetery for the living.

-[thundering] -It turns even the good kids

into unforgiving feral beasts.

-[growling and snarling] -[yelling]

[Blake] [singing] ♪ Banished to Gralk, the kids fade fast ♪

♪ Each breath more distant ♪

♪ Than the last ♪

♪ Their lives are over ♪

♪ They never call ♪

♪ Forgotten names ♪

♪ Inside Gralk Hall ♪

Sorry. I, like, totally blacked out.

[giggles] Could you repeat that?

Go away! We don't like you, okay?

Go anywhere else but here.

For sure.

The rest of you... let's move out.

[Montgomery, as Lysander] Oh, God! I gotta get back! I gotta warn him!

Yeah, I ordered everything off the menu.

Got the flank steak, got the hanger steak,

-got the filet mignon... -[Montgomery] Nectar!

-...got the duck confit, got the gumbo... -[Montgomery inhaling deeply]

...got the milkshake, chocolate and vanilla--

Hey, what the fuck, man? Who the fuck are you?

I am Lysander Featherhelm, third of his name,

Lord of the Syracuse Meadows.

I serve the one God Montgomery,

and I shall have my nectar!

-[fabric tearing] -[shrieking]

What the fuck?!

[Jack, as Lizzy] I'm not Jack!

-Yes! Yes! -Ow! [groans]

Oh! Oh, shit. Yo, I gotta bounce.

-The party bus is here. -Wait! You need Lizzy, you need Lizzy!

She's right over there. She's right over there.

[friends chanting] Lizzy! Lizzy!

Shit. Yes.

Guess we need her credit card. Ugh! Whatever.

-She'll meet us there. -[friends] Lizzy! Lizzy! Lizzy!

-Lizzy! Lizzy! Lizzy! -Yes! I rule the sch--

--ool! Oh, fuck. Ow!

Lizzy! Lizzy!

[♪ ominous choir music playing]

[Montgomery, as Lysander] [panting] Come on, Montgomery. Fly! Fly!

-[grunting] -Oh, my God. Montgomery? Are you okay?

Yeah. [hiccups, burps] Wait, what did I do?

Ugh! Ew.

[vent whirring]

Disgusting.

[Ashley] Okay, wow.

I mean, that was kind of incredible.

[chuckles] Yeah. Wait, what was?

You dominated that guy.

-It-- -I, I don't know. I'm sorry.

Actually, I gotta go. But nice seeing you!

-Hang later, bye! -Oh, okay, well, uh, see you later!

[groans]

So, thanks for making me look good.

-I owe you one. -You owe me two.

-One. -One and a half?

Zero.

-One. -Deal.

Oh! Oh, my God.

-What? -They're outside.

-Who? -They're kicking kids to Gralk Hall.

-Who is? -We gotta get outta here.

-What are you talking about, man? -Am I on cocaine?

-[knocking] -Hide.

-[♪ ominous music playing] -RAs!

-[partiers screaming] -Room check!

[indistinct chatter]

-[partiers screaming] -[grunts]

Oh, I can't believe that fucking worked.

Is someone there? No, please!

I'm stuck in here! You gotta help me!

I'm gonna go fucking crazy!

-Oh, shit! -Oh! RAs!

-[Jack] In here. -[Lizzy] Go, go, go, go, go.

[Montgomery] Shut it, shut it, shut it!

Monty, what the hell is going on?

The RAs are taking people's phones and using them

to request room transfers to Gralk Hall, and our names are on the list!

Fuck! If we get sent to Gralk Hall,

it won't even matter if we stop this drug.

I mean, what life will we even have left to live?

I know! Ashley will never date me,

I'll probably get scurvy, and they don't have any single rooms.

[Lizzy] What about me?

If I get sent to Gralk, then Logan will probably never talk to me again.

Oh, this again. At least you'll survive.

These kids are gonna rip me apart like a pack of wild dogs.

Let's just focus up. The RAs need our phones, right?

So, we just need to get the pizza and get out of the dorms,

and then we won't get chainsawed or Gralked.

Okay? And in the meantime, we'll just hide here in the...

[♪ dramatic musical sting]

Oh, no.

[Sidney] Just grabbing something from the meeting room, I'll be right there.

-Cremble sauce! -Language.

[whispers] How do we get outta here?

Vent! We go through the vent.

-You wanna crawl through the vent? -Are you insane?

-We're not crawling into a vent. -What are you talking about?

We need to think of something realistic.

[Sidney] Don't have too much fun without me!

[chuckles, groans]

You are blowing it!

Pull yourself together, Sidney.

-Hi. -Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize there were other people in here.

Uh, I'm Sidney. I'm new here.

-Still meeting all the RAs. -[Lizzy] Hi.

-[Jack] How's it going? -[Montgomery] Good tidings.

-Uh, well, we really-- We gotta get going. -[Jack] Mm.

Oh, actually, do you mind if I ask you some questions?

I'm having kind of a hard time fitting in.

Ooh, we really, really gotta go, though.

Yeah, it's, um-- Obviously, things are, like, crazy right now.

You guys probably have official RA duties to do, right?

-[warbling] -No.

I mean, no. What?!

-Hm? -Sorry about him.

What he means to say is no.

No. No.

Look, the truth is... [struggling]

no, we don't have any RA duties.

Great. So, we can talk. Let's grab a seat.

[lights zapping]

[gavel banging]

So, I just started, and I feel like everyone's mad at me, you know?

But I don't know why, 'cause I'm trying really hard and being nice.

And I guess I'm just looking for ways to connect with the other RAs.

Um, like, you know, what do you guys do in your free time?

Oh, not much. Sometimes I Google,

"Is my penis foreskin too long?"

[Sidney] Hm.

Yeah. Well.

I guess I meant more like communal activities.

Like, do you guys go to the gym together or exercise, or--

I only go to the gym to sneak peeks at other guys' foreskin

to see if mine is way longer than normal.

[whispering] What the fuck?

[Sidney] Totally.

Um, I'm just gonna pivot away from the moment you're having,

and I'll pop it over to you.

-Pass. -No, can't pass.

Just trying to see if we're into the same things.

Like, what'd you do last Saturday?

Oh, nothing really. I had breakfast,

and then I got banned from OldBuffDaddies.com

for violating their terms of service.

I don't want to ask, but I need to know.

-What'd you do? -I tried to pay a prostitute

to impersonate my father and pay me compliments.

Okay, feel like I need to change how I'm asking the questions.

I'm not talking about weird stuff you've done on the internet.

More like, "What's something you've done today?"

I purchased a pill that's reported to shrink foreskins by 35%.

-I'm done talking to ya. -Thank God.

-Maybe I'm talking to you. -Pass.

-There's no passing. -But I'm a woman.

-That won't work on me. -There should be passing.

-I didn't pass. -I'm not talking to you.

-Please don't. -[Sidney] Alright, you, blonde girl.

What have you done today?

I got my nails done.

-[sighs] -Okay, that's what I'm talking about.

Let's keep it in that gear, huh? What else?

I went number two in Logan's toilet, but it clogged,

and I didn't want him to see my poop, so I put it in a bag,

and that bag's still in my purse.

[clicking tongue] 'Kay.

-Are you okay? -No.

[Sidney] Okay... I gotta ask.

Why are y'all doing this stuff?

[all] Because I'm seeking external validation

to alleviate my deep-seated fear of being alone.

[Sidney] Oh, my gosh.

I think I'm starting to understand something.

[chuckles softly] You guys are friends

because you reveal your ugliest, darkest truths to one another,

and you don't judge each other for it.

That's what friendship is, huh?

So, I'll join ya.

I'm just gonna tell you guys something I've never told anyone before.

-You don't have to. -I'm gonna.

Okay.

My name is Sidney Putt. I am 31 years young.

I like to dress up as the Grinch in a diaper

while sucking down a bunch of helium [baby voice] so I sound like a baby.

[laughing]

That feels incredible to share.

Thank you all for creating the space for me to say that.

Great. Well, we really gotta get going.

Absolutely, yeah.

I'll, uh, I'll see you guys at the next RA meeting.

No, you won't, because we're not RAs.

We're students on the Gralk Hall list.

-Huh? -Uh...

-Blake! -Run!

-Blake! No. Blake! -Ooh. Oh, oh! Help!

-Help! Let go! -Help! No, stop it.

-[Montgomery] Let her go! -Help! Blake!

It's your first day. Why do you care?

-[overlapping yelling] -Let her go, or I'll throw it at you.

-Okay. Okay. -I'll do it. Don't test me.

-Okay. -I'm on the frickin' edge!

-[Sidney] Take it easy. -I'll do it!

No, you won't.

[Sidney shrieking]

-Yeah! Snackatron! -Hey! Hey, we're here! We're here!

[Snackatron] Hello, Montgomery.

-[cheering] -It's a robot?

[Snackatron] Before you receive your food from...

[worker] [on recording] I'm not doing it again. Get outta here.

[Snackatron] ...you must agree to the following terms.

-[phone buzzing] -Item one:

You agree not to sue Snackatron LLC

for any harm caused by Snackatron 3000

-during the delivery process. -Hey. Hi, Logan.

[Logan] [over phone] Lizzy! Where are you?

You have to pay the driver or he won't let me honk the horn!

Oh, uh, sorry.

Yeah, I just have to eat some pizza real quick.

[Logan] We've got pizza on the bus, just get here!

[Snackatron] You agree not to fall in love or lust with Snackatron.

Hey... uh,

-so they've got pizza on the bus. -[Jack] Mm.

[Lizzy] So, I'm gonna head there.

But, um, please don't tell anyone about my purse.

-Oh, it's just shit. -I've actually done the exact same thing.

[Snackatron] You may not teach Snackatron to be racist...

-Thanks, guys. I'll see you. -...and you may never,

ever ride Snackatron. Do you agree to these terms?

-Yes. -Please click agree.

-[Montgomery] Yes! Oh-ho-ho-ho! -[Jack] [laughing] Fuck yeah.

-Are you satisfied with your order? -[chiming]

God, let's eat this quick and get the fuck out of here

-before we get sent to Gralk Hall. -[sniffing deeply]

Wait, what were you saying before about single rooms?

Oh, nothing, just that I'm requesting a room transfer

because I don't want to live with you anymore.

[warbling]

What?

Hello, boys.

We've been looking for you.

You made quite the mess in my room.

So, are you satisfied with your order?

Collect their phones...

and take them to the Wellness Lounge.

[buzzer sounding]

Montgomery, are you satisfied with your order?

Are you satisfied with your order?!

[♪ calm, soothing music playing]

[groaning, belches]

[rattling]

-[lovers moaning] -[Montgomery] Wait, wait! Hey! Let us go!

We have rights, dammit!

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! -[both grunting]

[panting] Wait! You c-- don't understand! Wait! At least give us our pizza!

At least give us our pizza! We need to eat pizz--

Do you have any pizza? Do you have any pizza?

Fuck, Jack. What do we do?!

You're requesting a room transfer?

No. Oh, good, we can lie again. Shit.

So, you're fucking ditching me?

-I'm not ditching you. -Well, kinda looks like it.

What the fuck else would you really call it?

-I-It's not what-- -Oh, don't start.

You know what, you are just like everybody else.

-But it's okay, it's fine. -Jack.

I get it, because being around me is just, what, social suicide?

-It's okay. -No-- That's not what I--

Leave me behind. I might as well just move here

into the Wellness Lounge with my people...

-Jack. -...the scum, the forgotten folk!

-Jack. -But it's fine.

-I-I want-- Just-- -It's a five-star fucking establishment!

-I want some time-- -And you and your butterfly...

-Jack, I'm not-- -...can just forget that I exist.

-I'm not-- -I mean, after everything

I have done for you, you ungrateful asshole!

Oh, my God, would you stop being such a fucking victim?

I wanted to switch rooms because I need a fucking break.

[sighs] I'm sorry, Jack, but living with you,

it's like the Jack Show all the time.

You do whatever you want to do without thinking about anyone else.

Okay, well, when the fuck were you planning on telling me this?

-I'm not a mindreader. -You don't listen.

You ignore me and then pressure me to do shit that I don't want to do!

Name one thing I pressured you to do--

Drugs!

I didn't wanna do drugs tonight!

I don't even like drinking caffeinated tea.

But boo-hoo, everybody hates Jack,

so we gotta do what you wanna do.

Because, apparently, I don't count.

And now we're locked up in here, we're gonna get chainsawed up the ass,

the RAs are sending us to Gralk Hall, and--

[gagging]

What the, what the fuck?

[Montgomery groaning]

-What the hell is going on?! -[gagging]

And I have no idea what that was, but I know it was your fault!

[laughing] Oh, please.

If it wasn't for me, you'd never leave your room.

You would sit there, buried under your fucking covers, afraid to breathe,

because you are the most pathetic, biggest pussy I have ever met.

Gee, Jack, I really don't see why everybody hates your fucking guts.

-Fuck you. -Fuck you!

[♪ soft, dramatic music playing]

[door opens]

Him. Take him to the old Study Hall.

[Logan] So, remember when I said I wasn't gonna fart on their faces, and--

Oh, shit! She's here.

[all] Lizzy! Lizzy! Lizzy!

Sorry, uh, where's that pizza?

Oh shit, the pizza.

I just-- I lied to you because you were taking forever.

Also, why do you smell vaguely of poop?

-I'll be right back. -[Logan] Wait, you need to pay the driver!

[Snackatron] Are you satisfied with your order?

Are you satisfied with your order? Are you satisfied with your order?

Are you satisfied with your order? Are you satisfied with your order?

Snackatron? Did you see where those two guys went?

[Blake] [on recording] Take them to the Wellness Lounge.

[groans] Cremble sauce!

[Snackatron] I must know if Montgomery was satisfied with his order!

[Blake] Hello, Jack.

Welcome.

Do you like the old Study Hall?

This room was built as a sanctuary

for hardworking students to research their theses

and prepare for exams.

But now...

[softly] ...it's nothing but rubble.

[Jack] What?

-It's nothing but rubble. -Thank you.

The RAs recruited me young.

They promised me the world.

All I had to do was keep an eye on things after dark.

What they didn't mention...

is that the dark... never ends.

Try as I might, I couldn't calm the chaos.

This study hall was destroyed

when a drunken sophomore shot a Roman candle out of his ass

into a bucket of rum.

You see, there are no scholars here.

Only demons with student IDs.

And they must be purged.

All we need now is to unlock their phones,

and you, Jack, are the key.

Early internet message boards predicted the coming of the chosen face.

One so distinct,

so peculiar...

so utterly freak-ass...

-Oh, come on. -...it would profoundly beguile

every phone's Face ID.

A skeleton key.

For nearly all of fall semester, we have searched for this face.

And now, we've found it.

[phone unlocking]

One face to unlock them all.

Montgomery. Montgomery.

Montgomery.

-Where is the pizza? -The RAs took it.

Okay, well, come on. We-We-We gotta go get it.

-No, I'm done. -[door creaking]

I'm staying here, with the forgotten folk.

[whispers] What are you talking about?

Wait. How did you get in here?

-[door continues creaking] -The door only locks from the inside!

[groans]

[exhales]

Now, how are we gonna get outta here?

[vent whirring]

-[soft banging] -[Snackatron] Come on, come on.

You can do it. Prove them wrong, Snackatron.

Prove them all wrong!

-[♪ triumphant music playing] -[grunting] Yippee!

Only 182 left to go!

I can't believe we're crawling through a fucking vent.

Just keep going. It's gotta dump out somewhere.

Just wanted a quiet night in.

I keep getting friction burns.

Hey, why'd you stop?

Lysander?

Lysander?

Hey. Hey, buddy. You okay?

Lysander?

Hey.

-[Lysander exhales] -[♪ melancholy music playing]

He's...

dead.

[grunts] I can't... What the fuck?

-Montgomery? -Oh, what the hell?

-Oh, shit. I lost my butterfly. -Hey. Montgomery.

-Montgomery. -I lost my best friend.

You have to keep it together. We have to get the pizza from the RAs.

No! I can't, there's too many of 'em.

Jack was right. I'm not an alpha.

I'm a fucking pussy!

-Montgomery, Montgomery, calm down. -[breathing heavily] I'm having

-a panic attack! -Hey. Look at me.

-Look at me. -No.

-Look at me! Montgomery! -No!

-Just let me die! -Hey!

[Lizzy blowing softly]

[breathing slows]

[continues blowing softly]

[♪ gentle music playing]

Listen. You are not an alpha.

But you're also not a pussy.

You stood by your best friend when nobody else did.

That is brave.

I couldn't do that.

I, uh...

I didn't do that.

I ditched you guys.

I guess I thought that if I was friends with you,

then... people wouldn't like me.

But... turns out, people don't like me very much anyway.

What? Who doesn't like you?

You're, like, the coolest person I've ever met.

You're smart. You're good at board games.

You do magic.

I mean, you're Lizzy the Magnificent.

[♪ gentle music continues playing]

Sorry we didn't get to finish the game.

[singers vocalizing]

Yeah.

That would've been nice to finally--

The game! That's it.

Remember last campaign, how we created

that musical distraction with the merry minstrels?

Y-Yeah, but what does that have to do with--

Let's go storm the Fortress of Thalamir.

[♪ determined music playing]

-[Lizzy] Wait. -[♪ music stops abruptly]

-[WorryWarts clicking rapidly] -Sorry, I have no idea what we're doing.

Oh, right, I have to be more specific.

The RAs took Jack and the pizza to the old Study Hall,

and I have a plan to distract them.

Okay.

[♪ determined music resumes playing]

[phones unlocking]

[Snackatron] I am doing it! [grunts]

[singers vocalizing]

[grunting] There we go!

Still looking for a gig?

-[♪ music stops abruptly] -Sorry, I need more information.

Oh, right, sorry. I have to be more specific.

The RAs took Jack--

[♪ determined musical sting]

That's the last phone. We're all set here, sir.

Listen up.

Tonight... is a momentous occasion.

The phones are all unlocked, synchronized,

-and wired to the control panel. -[timer beeping]

Soon, the transfer requests will be sent.

Our watch will finally be ended.

-[♪ distorted music playing] -And a bright, new day shall--

Sorry, what is that music?

[microphone feedback]

We are Flesh Grenade! Get ready for some fucking folk music!

[♪ chaotic music playing]

[Dudley wailing]

What in the absolute fuck?

-What are you guys doing? -Shh! We're rescuing you.

-Hi. -Hi.

You look good.

Thank you, I know.

How've you been?

Fine. Like you care.

Well, if you're gonna talk like that, maybe I won't untie you.

-Maybe I don't wanna be untied. -Maybe I'll add more rope.

-[Jack mocking] -Shut the fuck up.

-What the fuck? Give that back! -Show's over.

-Get the fuck out. Let's go. -Give it back! No!

-[Blake] Everyone, get out. -[RA] Take it outside!

We only have a few moments, so you guys are gonna go get the phones,

I'm gonna go get the pizza, and then we're gonna reconvene

at the stairwell, and then sneak out quietly.

-Got it? -Got it.

-Great. -[Blake] Come on.

-[Ashley] Fuck you! -Let's move.

[Snackatron] Montgomery!

-Fuck! -Are you satisfied with your order?

Oh-ho!

Look who's joined the party!

The last names on my list.

-Montgomery? -Hi.

-Lizzy? -[Montgomery] Can I just ask?

Why am I being sent to Gralk Hall?

I'm a really well-behaved kid.

I mean, I'm polite, I'm nice.

I'm responsible with my body in the dorms.

I tell you guys my favorite puns.

You're weird, and we don't like you.

-Copy that. -[Lizzy] Fine, you caught us.

Can we at least just have the pizza?

Pizza?

Oh, this pizza.

Yeah, it feels like it's missing a topping.

Maybe, uh...

-[♪ dramatic music playing] -Toxic waste.

-What?! -No!

-Nooo! -[whooshing]

[Snackatron chirping]

Montgomery must be satisfied with his order!

[♪ epic music playing]

[group] Yes!

[Snackatron] Oh no!

-[loud crash] -Oh.

Goddammit, Snackatron.

[light laughter]

Ah.

-Well... -[knuckles cracking]

...time to die.

What, are you gonna, like, fucking kill us?

We're not-- No, we're not gonna kill you.

We're gonna, like, beat you guys up a bunch.

But how does that sound? "Time to beat you guys up a bunch"?

It scans weird.

I-- Whatever, just hurt them.

-[warbling] -[sneakers squeaking]

[rumbling]

[Lizzy] [grunts] What's happening?!

Ah, shit, it's the next phase.

Which one is this?

We Are All One!

[♪ dramatic rock music playing]

[group screaming]

-[screaming stops] -[Lizzy] What the hell?

[Montgomery] Is everyone okay?

[Jack] What just happened? Where are we?

[Lizzy] I think we're all inside some guy?

[Montgomery] Oh, my God. I know what this is.

We're not one. We're...

Hola. My name is Juan.

-[marker scribbling] -[whip cracking]

[glass breaking]

[grunting]

[Juan] What the fuck is this fucking drug?

[grunting] Goddammit!

[Lizzy] Who's controlling the legs?

-[Jack] Me! -Who's me?

Jack! This is impossible!

-What's happening? -Shut up.

[Montgomery] We need to move as one!

-Did you say "Juan"? -I said "one."

-[group grunting] -"Move as one."

Wait! "One" or "Juan"?

-[Montgomery] One! -[Lizzy] It doesn't matter! Come on!

[grunting and exclaiming]

[Jack] Ow! Get off of me!

-[Montgomery] You get off of me! -[Lizzy] Guys, we need to focus.

-We're running out of time. -Enough.

-And we're about to get our asses kicked. -[Jack groaning softly]

[grunting]

Get 'em!

-[♪ dramatic music playing] -[fighting, grunting]

Whoa!

-Oh... -...my...

...God!

Do something!

[indistinct shouting]

♪♪

[grunting]

[Lizzy] Hi-ya!

What is happening?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[grunting]

Wait, wait, wait! Scorpion kick, scorpion kick!

Please, can we do a scorpion kick?

[grunting]

Thank you!

♪♪

-[♪ music stops abruptly] -[person clears throat]

-[♪ Christmas music playing] -Well, everyone, here I am.

The real me. I'm not hiding anymore.

[♪ music slowing, stopping]

Oh!

Good for you, man.

M'kay.

[balloon squeaks]

[in high-pitched voice] Y'all are freaks.

-[Montgomery] You forgot your balloons. -[Sidney] Keep 'em.

[door slams]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[♪ ominous choir music playing]

[deep slow-motion yelling]

-[♪ music stops abruptly] -[normal yelling]

[♪ ominous choir music resumes playing]

[♪ music stops abruptly]

[gasps]

-[Jack groaning] -[Montgomery coughing]

-Oh, fuck! -[all coughing]

-Shit. Shit. Oh! -[Lizzy groaning]

-[Montgomery groaning] -[Jack grunting]

-[Lizzy] Get to the control panel! -We gotta stop the RAs!

-[countdown beeping] -Shit, shit, shit!

I don't know how this works! What do I do?

-Just break 'em. -Shit!

-[Lizzy] Fucking destroy it! -[Blake laughing]

Jack, Jack, Jack.

Give it up. [sighs]

There's nothing you can do.

-You can't stop this. -I can't?

[whispers] No.

Except I can.

A third-party charger?

Wait! [grunting] Damn it! Damn it!

Unhand me! Wait!

Jack! Look!

I've still got your phone.

I press "send," and that's it. You're transferred to Gralk Hall.

So, before you fry those phones, let's make a deal.

You give me that, I'll give you this.

And that'll be that.

Plus, I'll sweeten it.

And I'll make you an RA.

Huh?

Why the fuck would I want that?

Because, Jack...

you know the truth.

No one at this school is ever going to forgive you

for what you did to the football team.

But you know what's better than being liked?

Being feared.

Power, Jack.

No one will ever bully you again.

Are you really gonna turn that down?

To save a bunch of people who hate your guts?

Your own roommate was ditching you.

Save him, and you'll rot in Gralk Hall.

Or...

with me on your side...

you can finally rule this school.

[whispering] It's okay.

Montgomery...

I'm sorry.

-Looks like I'll be shipping out. -What?

So, next year, I want you to find the best new roommate.

-Jack. -Find someone who's gonna listen to you.

-Jack, no. -Jack?

-You don't have to do this. -I want you to tell that roommate

to treat you good.

Jack, we could come up with something else.

You tell them to do all that boring bullshit that you like,

-like the puzzles or-or that game... -[Montgomery] Come on.

...where y-you try to guess my favorite bird.

-E-Eagle? -It's not eagle.

-Quit guessing eagle. -I don't want this, Jack.

This is the only way.

-No! -Jack.

You changed my mind, Jack! I wanna room with you!

What you want isn't what you need, man!

-Jack! -I need you!

-I love you, Montgomery! -Jack!

-I love you, Jack! -I love you so much,

-and I don't tell you enough! -Jack, the deal!

The deal.

-[timer beeping] -Come on... Be smart, Jack.

You have to think about yourself, okay?

[chuckles] No.

I need to think about other people's dicks.

What?

Nooo!

-[electricity zapping] -[low-pitched screaming]

[phones crackling]

Goddammit!

-You idiot! -[chuckles]

Enjoy Gralk Hall!

[squeaking]

[Lizzy] [tauntingly] Oh, Blake?

You forgot one thing.

I'm Lizzy the Magnificent, bitch.

-Oh-ho-ho! Ohh! -Oh, my gosh! How did she do that?

-[Jack] I don't know! -That was incredible!

-Oh, fuck this! -[rubber chicken squeaks]

-[pipe scraping] -Oh, shit.

Well... time to beat you to death with a pipe!

-That doesn't scan either. -Shut the fuck up!

Which one of you's first, huh?

Which one?

[♪ tense music playing]

[Lysander] Remember me?

Lysander!

You crushed my wings.

You squashed my body. You left me for dead.

-[Blake] Get away! -[Lysander] But you didn't finish the job.

Get away from me! Get away from me!

[Lysander] From the depths of the dormitory vents,

-I have returned. -[Blake] Fuck!

Fuck you, butterfly!

Go get him, Lysander!

[Lysander] My name is Lysander Featherhelm,

Lord of the Syracuse Meadows.

-[thunk] -[elevator dings]

I serve the one God Montgomery,

and I shall have my vengeance!

Scorpion kick!

[echoing] Nooo!

-[loud bang] -[elevator whirring]

[elevator dings]

♪ When our hope sailed from a thousand dreams ♪

♪ We will carry on, ahh ♪

[Lysander] Victory, the sweetest nectar.

Monty, I'll see you at home.

Oh, shit! I, I got you, bud.

[grunting]

-[Montgomery panting] -[Jack laughing]

-[Montgomery laughing] -Oh, shit.

-[Montgomery sighs] -Thanks.

Sure. I owed you one.

Well, guys, we did it. We defeated the RAs.

We ate the pizza. Oh, wait.

-[♪ ominous music playing] -[Jack] What's happening?

[loud squeaking]

[Lizzy] What is that?

Oh, my God. It's him.

[whispering] The Rat King.

[♪ "Waltz of the Flowers" by Tchaikovsky playing]

-[singers vocalizing] -[children laughing]

Hi, Lizzy. Remember me?

This fucking cunt.

♪♪

[♪ music stops]

I'm sorry, who are you?

-[♪ ominous music playing] -I'm you, Jack.

The you you're scared you'll become.

Boring, sober, obsessed with my bird feeder.

-[baby whining] -I also review

sparkling water brands on YouTube.

[whispering] Oh, my fucking God.

What's wrong with that?

That honestly sounds nice.

Fuck off!

[chainsaws buzzing loudly]

♪♪

Run!

-[♪ terrifying music playing] -[chainsaws continue buzzing]

[gasps]

-[Lizzy] Shit! -[Jack] What do we do?

[♪ Christmas music playing]

[Montgomery] Time to float like graceful falcons.

-[♪ music stops abruptly] -They tried to censor us,

but we will not be silenced!

[drumsticks clicking]

[♪ heavy metal music playing]

[screaming melodically]

[♪ heavy metal music and melodic screaming continues]

[all yelling]

-[♪ music ends] -[all screaming]

[loud crash]

[Ashley] Thank you, and good night!

[coughing] Why did we think that would work?

[grunting] Fuck off, that was fun.

There are so many condoms in here.

[muttering indistinctly]

-[thud] -[Montgomery] I landed on the condom.

[Jack] [grunting] Hey, make a wish.

[Montgomery] I wish I didn't land on the condom.

[grunting and groaning]

Well, look on the bright side, guys.

At least we got away from the nightmare--

-[♪ dramatic musical sting] -[chainsaws buzzing]

[Snackatron] Montgomery!

Let's go!

[chainsaws buzzing]

[Montgomery shrieking]

[panicked chatter, panting]

[Rat King shrieks]

I wrote a complaint letter to Microsoft

after they discontinued my favorite font.

[screaming] God, no!

-Oh, fuck! -Come on! Come on!

[all grunting]

[♪ tense music playing]

[grunting]

[♪ music stops]

Well, well, well.

Hello again, dickheads.

How are you not dead?

-You thought you could kill me? -[chainsaws continue buzzing]

-Get off the box! -Get the fuck off the box!

It's gonna take a lot more than that to get rid of Blake!

[clattering]

-[Montgomery] Grab him! -[Lizzy] Pull him down!

-[grunting] -Fuck!

-[gagging] -Open wide!

[Jack] Happy sailing!

[Frankie] Do not take more than a single dose.

If you do, you will see the true horrible nature of reality.

-[light buzzing] -[muffled chatter]

[writer 1] I just think my biggest concern right now

is how little of this makes any sense at all.

-[writer 2] Like what? -[writer 1] What do you mean, "Like what?"

Like, okay, for example, how many college freshmen do you know

that own a pet butterfly?

[writer 2] That's what you find unbelievable?

We have a scene where the three leads become a Venezuelan man.

[writer 1] Alright, fine, but we gotta come up

with a better title than Pizza Movie.

[writer 2] Well, of course we're not calling it Pizza Movie.

That's a placeholder. I mean, if we can't beat that,

-I'm gonna walk into the goddamn ocean. -What the fuck?

Oh God, one of the actors is here.

Hey, man, could you just give us, like, 10 minutes, please? Thanks.

Oh, so listen, I told my grandfather he could have a part.

Is that okay?

No.

[chainsaws buzzing quietly]

W-W-We're in a movie?

We're in a low-budget movie.

My character's not written with any nuance at all.

I'm a caricature.

I, like, only deliver exposition.

What the fuck was that?

[chainsaws buzzing loudly]

[♪ tense music playing]

[all screaming]

[chainsaws stop buzzing]

[all sighing]

-[Jack laughing] -[Montgomery chuckles]

[warbling]

[Snackatron] [struggling] Montgomery.

Were you satisfied with your fucking order?

Yes, Snackatron.

Yes, we were.

[Snackatron] Thank you for ordering from...

[worker] [on recording] Ahh, finally alone.

Time to measure the length of my foreskin.

Wait, is this robot still recording?

[Snackatron] Goodbye.

[Snackatron powering down]

[♪ honorable music playing]

[♪ gentle music playing]

Tell my story!

[Logan] Lizzy!

Lizzy! Let's go!

[Ashley] Montgomery! Over here.

-Hey, thanks for the gig. -[Montgomery] Thank you.

You ready? Let's get this night going.

I'm about to honk that horn like you won't believe.

Oh, my God, I feel so alive after performing.

Yeah, I, I can imagine with the electric torture.

Yeah.

Anyway, um, I was wondering

if maybe you wanted to go out sometime? [chuckles softly]

[Logan] Lizzy, you gonna give the driver your friggin' credit card?

What's up?

[Ashley] Montgomery?

-Montgomery? -No, thank you.

-No? -No.

I do not think we are a good match.

[scoffs] Why?

You scare the shit out of me.

[scoffs]

But hey, good, good luck on the music.

You're... killer.

-Killer. Good luck. -[scoffs]

[Logan] Lizzy!

Stop thinking pensively and get your freaking credit card out

-and give it to the-- -[knee thuds]

-Oh! [grunting] -Ooh!

-[Logan] Oh! [wailing] -[bully] Oh, my God, Logan.

Have fun.

[bully] Are you dead?

[♪ light, joyful music playing]

[student] Hey, freak-ass face!

-What time is it? -It's gotta be 5 a.m.

It's only 8:30!

All that only took 45 minutes?

You guys wanna do something?

Wanna finish our game?

I'm down.

Me too.

[writer 2's grandparent] And I...

am also down.

Oh, man. [laughing]

College is awesome. I love being 19.

[writer 2] Grandpa, don't look at the camera.

-Don't talk to me that way. -[writer 1] Dude, this isn't working.

-Let's cut him. -[writer 2] Fine.

Alright, should we start from scratch or pick up where we left off?

-Let's do it from scratch. -Yeah?

-We got it. -Okay, cool then.

[chattering fades]

♪♪

♪♪

[singers vocalizing]

♪♪

[♪ cheery song playing]

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ No one's gonna die today ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ No one's gonna die today ♪

♪ Happy, nice, happy, nice, happy, happy, happy, nice ♪

♪ Happy, nice, happy, nice, happy, happy, happy ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ No one's gonna die today ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ No one's gonna die today ♪

[faster] ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ No one's gonna die today ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ No one's gonna die today ♪

[faster] ♪ Happy, happy, nice, nice, happy, nice, happy, nice ♪

♪ Happy, happy, nice, nice, happy, nice, happy ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ No one's gonna die today ♪

[faster] ♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ No one's gonna die today ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ Everything's happy, everything's nice ♪

♪ No one's gonna die today, someone's gonna die today ♪

♪ We're all gonna die todaaay ♪

[♪ song ends]

[♪ gentle music playing]

♪♪

[♪ music fades out]