Original subtitles

Room check!

Oh, shit.

One second!

Come on, open up!

Alright, where's the drugs?

Drugs? Where's drugs?

Search her room! Find them!

Come on, come on, come on. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Shirt, pants, socks, old pants.

I'm good!

Excuse me?

Yeah?

Do you by any chance have any extra quarters?

Oh, um, let me check.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Your name's Montgomery, right?

Yeah. And your name's Ashley Mackenzie Merriman Gray?

That is... All four of them. Yeah. Yeah. Ashley, Mackenzie, Miriam, and Grant.

Like, it just kind of falls out.

You know, it's funny. I feel like we are always here at the exact same time.

Well, no one's got dirtier undies than me.

Not from poop, to be clear.

Or cum.

So, piss?

No, just normal stuff. I'm not weird.

Okay.

I'll see you around.

the football team, asshole.

Fuck yourself in your freak -ass face.

You're upset about what happened with the football team.

I'm sorry.

But who amongst us all hasn't ever made a mistake?

We all have.

So if you don't think that I deserve the basic human decency of a second chance,

then fine. Go ahead.

Take me to the top of that clock tower and pelt me with water balloons full of

piss. But if not...

God damn it.

Hey, Jack.

Hi, Monty.

How was your day?

Uh, not great.

How was yours?

I'm covered in piss.

I'm sorry. It's okay. You know what's going to make it all better?

Quiet night of sleep. Turning him out of alcohol.

Let's boogie. Oh, wow. We said very different things.

Housing request due by midnight.

Guys, housing request due by midnight.

Montgomery and Jack, email your housing request in by midnight.

Also, Jack, go fuck yourself.

Where do you want to live next year?

Should we do Oreck Power?

The Low Court?

Or... Ugh.

As long as it's not Grawl Call, that place is literal hell.

You know what I mean?

Oh, come on, dude. Stop hiding. Just ask her out. Are you nuts?

Oh, my.

Girls like Ashley don't like guys like me. What's wrong with you? I'm weird. I

sound like a little old man.

Girls like Alphys. Strong provider types.

Like him.

Hot. So that's why I'm going to trick her into thinking I'm an alpha. And then

she'll ask me out.

Wow. That's the creepiest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. It's not

creepy. It's sweet. You don't even know her. You may not even actually like her.

Of course I like her. When I think of the two of us together, it feels like

floating on a cloud of lavender while being sung to by lollipop pixies.

Never mind.

That's the creepiest thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

Stop staring at her.

time you take this and quit it into this so we can turn off this look at her

oh quit this right give her a stroke perv what do you toast

uh may the crop grow strong and your pants stay up and the night don't

i got this shit to turning around this shitty day oh god

logan

What's up, dildos? Can we please not do this tonight? Relax.

I know that we come in here every weekend, we hold you down, and we fart

faces for what you did to the football team.

But we have taken some time to reflect, and we decided to apologize.

Wow.

Really?

No, we came to fart on your faces!

Fuck you! Fuck you! Hit him down! Fuck you!

I'll take you to trouble right here, okay? That's perfect. That's it.

Fucking fuck off.

It's okay, Jack.

They can't be thoughts. Shut up, Montgomery.

Look at why, Pookie.

No. No.

No.

Oh, shit.

Hey, dumbass, mind if I borrow your charger? Oh, I should warn you, it's

actually a third -party charger, and it's technically got the terms of

to use it. Shut up. Dude, this pajama party tonight is going to be so thick.

Pre -game at my place? Totally.

I got beer. Nice. I got some weed. Swag. And I'm bringing Wizard's Oath.

What?

Is it a fantasy board game?

It's actually really fun.

That was refreshing, dog.

I feel like a pound lighter.

All right, let's bounce.

What the fuck?

Your charger fried my phone.

Well, I did warn you, it's a third -party charger.

You break my phone? Huh? How about... Oh, shit. I break your bottle!

All those guys.

God, I hope I don't get pink eye again. Like, fucking ruined.

Well, maybe it's for the best.

I was going to start Lysander on a new brand of nectar tonight, and he gets -

No!

No!

I can't stand another night listening to you talk about the dietary restrictions

of your pet butterfly.

We are in college, Monty.

These are supposed to be the best years of our lives.

Look at me.

I'm the type of guy who's built for a place like this, dude. I could be ruling

the school.

I should be doing jello shots and sparkler cake stands, but everyone hates

Well, not me. You don't count.

Okay, I know what you need. I'm ordering us a pizza.

Because no matter how bad things are, pizza makes everything a little better.

Remember first semester when we ate pizza and played games all night?

Stop. What are you doing? You don't get to do a speech. I'm doing a speech. I'm

sad. Plus, pizza's not going to do anything for me, ma 'am.

I need something to obliterate my brain!

What's this?

Minch?

Oh my god.

These are drugs.

No. No.

No! Come on! Are you insane? What are the odds of this? I'm not doing random

stealing drugs. We don't even know what they are. Fine.

We'll do some research.

Hmm?

Drugs. Pink pill.

Exploding head.

What the fuck?

One result?

That's shady.

Tidings! Psychedelic adventurers!

Frankie, of course.

Her green screens suck.

I'll be your cosmic captain on this journey today. Please keep your vibes

the vehicle at all times.

Eww. Eww.

Eww. Eww. Eww.

Yeah, I'm gonna see that.

I dated Mickey Rourke. It's fine. Keep going forward.

That is dangerously misleading.

This drug will give you an incredible high.

How would I describe it? It makes you feel like you're floating on a cloud of

lavender being sung to by lollipop pixies.

Dude, that's exactly your thing.

No. Come on. No. Come on. No. No. Come on. No. Come on. No. No. Come on. I love

you. I love you too. Come on. No. Please. No. I'll do anything. No. No.

Jack, the answer's no.

debauchery. Every year, our school sinks deeper into a swamp of vice and

buffoonery. Until now.

Welcome,

fellow RA.

For weeks, we have been preparing for tonight to reign

fiery vengeance.

upon the drug -addled delinquents that have turned this dorm into a waking

nightmare.

There will be no mercy.

Order will be restored.

And those who have violated our rules shall be shattered on the anvil of

discipline.

Are you with me?

Yes, Mr. Kaiser! Yes!

Oh.

Sorry, I'm new. Just had to think. I'm new.

This guy didn't tell me about the call and response.

It was very scary.

Let's move out.

And then I'm like, guys, don't worry. I'm not going to fart in your faces. And

then I fucking farted in his face, dude!

Those guys fucking blow! Those guys fucking blow.

Yeah, those guys fucking blow.

They are funny, though.

What?

Did you just say they're funny?

No.

Why would I say that?

Anyway, let's get fucked up!

Oh, my... Lithia!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's fine.

Oh, man. I'm tired.

Yeah, it's late. I also am tired. Me too.

Maybe we should call it a night.

Hey, Lizzie, you're closest to the door. Why don't you just leave first, and the

rest of us will follow?

Okay, sure. Yeah.

See you around.

Hey, remember when I said I wasn't going to fart in their faces, but then I did

fart in their faces? You know, I guess I'll just cancel this party bus that I

got for us.

Party bus?

I ordered us this totally awesome party bus as a surprise.

But if you're tired, then I'll just cancel it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Do not cancel it.

I feel like I'm getting a second wind.

Yeah, me too. I am also no longer tired.

Can I get a Lizzie?

Lizzie.

Lizzie.

Lizzie.

Lizzie.

Lizzie.

Lizzie.

You think I can honk the horn?

You

feel

anything?

No Wait

No.

Fuck.

He's done?

Getcha.

Wanna play Wizard's Oath? No, we can't. We need three people.

I could play.

No, it'd take too long to teach you the rules.

Oh no.

Hey.

You seeing this?

He wants me to shake his hand.

Go for it.

Oh, touch my nipple. What the fuck, man?

Stop.

Hola. My name is Juan.

Nice to meet you. Hi.

What a fucking baby.

The baby does not like your work.

Do it again.

Fuck.

No. Please stay over there. Back up.

Don't do it. I want to be impolite. What?

She did it again. What did you expect?

She hates it. Do it again.

Again. Again.

Again.

Well, the good news is the drugs were. Oh, do they?

None of that felt like a gentle cloud of lavender.

I just got molested by Pinocchio's cousin.

Did that happen?

I think I already repressed that.

All right. We got to figure out what this stuff is.

Why stand or no? Get out of there.

Great. No drugs for you.

as you take it with food.

What? Without food, the drug has six distinct phases punctuated by normal

periods of lucidity.

First is a prologue called Make the Baby Like It. Definitely did that one. Then,

no bad words.

Flashback. The old witcheroo.

Nothing but the truth.

And we are all one.

What's that?

It's my worry ward. It calms me down.

for making these drugs. Huh?

I made them right here in my dorm room, 3J.

Oh, shit. Sorry. Wait, is that this room?

I know I'm still in college, but don't worry.

I'm a chemistry genius, okay?

That's good.

I mean, hell, I friggin' built these cabinets using my own homemade epoxy.

We're gonna die.

What does that mean? And two, there is a final phase that I didn't yet mention.

So, pizza?

Yes, pizza, dum -dums. Happy sailing!

Hope you don't get chainsaw -fucked! Ew!

Ew! Your worst nightmare comes to life and shoves a chainsaw up your ass!

Cheese and rice!

I just wanted a quiet night, and now I'm gonna get chainsaw -fucked by the Rat

King from the Nutcracker!

Dude, that's not gonna... Wait, your worst nightmare is the Rat King from the

Nut... From the New Jersey Ballet's 2007 production of the Nutcracker. You

haven't seen it.

It's terrifying.

It's not going to happen, okay?

What did she say? It'll mellow out when we have some pizza.

And look, there it is right now.

Hello, sir. Can you please bring the pizza directly to room 3J with extreme

haste?

Hello.

I am Snackatron 3000.

I have arrived at your location with a phone delivery for Montgomery from the

restaurant. What do I say?

It's a fucking robot.

Actually, I'm a Snagatron. 3J, bring the pizza to 3J now.

I am sorry, but there is a set of stairs impeding my journey.

Stairs are my mortal enemy.

I hope you will be satisfied with your order. No, Snackatron, I will not be

satisfied. No, there's no way we're going out there.

Ashley's out there all racing. Who knows what else? Hey, it's going to be fine,

dude. It's just two flights of stairs, right?

Come on, I'm going to be with you the whole time.

Yeah, boy, yeah.

Watch out, a block.

If you want to chat to me, watch how you talk. Leave my mom on top.

I'm the boss.

Why are you wearing a suit?

I want people to know I'm high.

Smart. So what's our plan?

Okay, it's simple.

We take the elevator down, we grab the pizza, we eat it, and then we're

on a cloud of lavender before the next phase even hits.

You ready?

Yes. I don't know.

Okay, yes.

Great.

Then let's do this. Fuck!

What?

What? Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Are you okay?

Yeah, I think, I think, I think.

Fuck!

God damn it.

No more!

Fine. Okay. I'll just say, like, dang it.

Stop! Darn it?

Stop! All right.

I'll make up my own.

Crimble sauce.

You can't say crimble sauce.

Okay. Just say super G -rated. And let's get to the elevator.

Hey, it's freak -ass phase. Hey, suck my dick.

Montgomery!

Hey! Holy crap.

You've got this, man.

I'm a provider, I'm suave, I'm an alpha. Whoa!

Montgomery! Hi.

What's up, leo?

Shit.

Hi. Ahoy there.

Nope.

Good evening to you, my sweet baby, baby, baby.

Fuck that.

I'm gonna pick you a line.

Hi, Ashley.

Hi, Ashley. Just like that. Hi, Ashley.

Hi. Hey, I did it. Don't say it out loud, dumbass.

Hi. Hi, Ashley.

What's that?

It's my worry wart, which alphas don't use, so we gotta start the whole thing

over. No, it's good, it's good, it's fine.

Con... Excuse me?

Con... What?

Not you.

Cunt. Cunt. Sorry. Sorry. Cunt. Sorry.

Cunt. Cunt. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Cunt. Cunt.

Cunt. Cunt. Cunt. Cunt. Cunt. Cunt. Stop!

We can say cunt, but we can't say crumble sauce.

I sourced the chemicals from Manchester, England.

Oh, it's a pretty drunk. That's so fucking stupid.

Hi. Hi, Ashley. How's your night going? Good.

Good. Short.

Hi. Hi, Ashley. How's your night going?

Good. Yeah, I've actually had a crazy week working on my music thesis.

Oh, so you're a music major. Yeah. Who's your favorite musician?

Sondheim.

Sondheim? I love musicals. Oh, Stephen Sondheim? I hate him. I like Matsuishi

Sondheim.

Who the fuck is that?

Okay, apparently this guy does something called Clowncore Vomit Opera.

Have you ever heard of Matsuyoshi Sondheim? Oh my god, are you serious? I

him. Have you ever heard of the song that goes...

Duh,

My Mother Pisses Death?

Nobody ever likes that one. And most guys are real pussies about it, but it's

cool to meet someone that's actually into it.

Well, this has been nice.

Yeah. I hope the rest of your night is real good.

Oh, duck fucker! Uh,

duck fucker?

Oh, no.

Is it over?

It's what over?

The American Dream.

Oh.

Yes.

Anyway,

I am starving, so I'm gonna go get some food. But it was great getting to know

you. I'll see ya.

My friggin' boy.

Just so you know, I got a weird fuckin' vibe about her.

Sorry to interrupt.

May I?

Please, yeah.

This stuff's so annoying.

Okay. Prohibited items.

Do you guys have any drugs, alcohol?

No.

Firearms, weaponry?

No. Freestanding waffle makers?

No.

Any large bongs shaped like a jar of dill

pickles?

No.

Great. I will leave you to it.

You know... Some kids lie.

I think I won't notice.

But... Lies have a smell.

A texture.

and some alcoholic iced tea, are you not?

Yes.

You're hiding them in the fridge, aren't you?

Yes.

Deli drawer or crisper?

I'm afraid I'll have to confiscate your phone for the night. No, you can't

confiscate my phone. I said confiscate his phone!

Each

of you has a

list.

You are to collect the cell phones of everyone on it.

Use whatever justification you need.

Understood? Yes, President Elijah, sir!

What the hell?

Did you want to break this?

Come on, why is it taking so long?

Jeez. Oh, God, this guy. What happened?

Got transferred to Grok Hall.

No. Yeah.

The worst dorm in school.

It's four hours away.

You might as well be dead.

That was a fuck -buddy.

Sorry for your loss. Go fuck yourself, Jack.

We gotta get a housing request, then.

Oh, my God.

It got stuck between floors. Can you guys please get me out of here?

Stairs? Wait. Wait, no!

You can't just leave me like this!

I'm not gonna go upstairs! Please come back!

Two floors and we're good.

Shit. R .A.

That took us fun.

Are they allowed to do that?

Take him to the wellness lounge.

Yeah. All right, guys, let's get him to the wellness lounge.

I love it. I agree.

That's a good plan.

Who are you again?

Oh, I'm Sidney Putt, sophomore R .A. in training. Your sophomore.

Yeah. But I am 31 years young.

I took a bit of a gap decade.

Before I started school.

Wow. But now I'm so excited to be an RA, I'd love to know the inside joke.

Who's ribbing who? Who's kissing who?

You ever huff helium? Shut the fuck up!

You two stay, and don't let anyone downstairs.

Fuck off.

What?

Now how do we get downstairs?

Building renovation.

There's scaffolding outside the corner room.

We could just climb down to the second floor from there. Huh? We got this.

Hi, we were wondering if we could use your window.

You.

Oh, hey, if you... Fuck off!

What the hell was that about?

Earlier today, I accidentally hit him with a football.

Great, so we're stuck.

Hey, Logan, sorry to call you back. I can't find you guys, so... Hi.

Hi, Lizzie.

Hi. Why are you wet?

I just, um, I'm having kind of a weird night, but I'm fine.

Dandy. Bye.

Bye.

Asshole. No!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Your head's been exploding!

You're on our drug!

What? What?

What are you talking about?

I didn't take any drugs. You are no fun.

Stop laughing.

I don't know why I'm laughing.

I think it's a trauma response.

But I didn't take any.

It all makes sense now.

Earlier tonight, when I was in your room, Logan was talking about the pajama

party, and I spotted a tin of mints on your desk. Those weren't mints, dumbass.

Lizzie, those were not mints. No shit, I'm aware, because I ate one, and just a

little later... Why are my hands singing?

I started to bring my goddamn balls off in front of Logan and all of his

friends.

Wait. How are we even seeing this? Are we, like, inside her memory?

Shit. I think I remember this from the video.

This must be the next phase.

There's more of these?

There's a final phase that I didn't get mentioned.

It's called, Your Worst Nightmare Comes to Life and Shoves the Chains Off Your

Ass. Your Worst Nightmare Comes to Life and Shoves the Chains Off Your Ass?

See, I do sound like a little old man.

You dumb fu -

Who eats random pills out of a tin?

I've never done anything that stupid in my life.

You ready, Montgomery?

Get the plane here, Jack.

We leap off the roof and float to the ground like a pair of graceful falcons.

You were saying?

All right, so I've done one dumb thing.

But at least we had fun.

That's the worst day of my life.

I'm Lizzie the Magnificent. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Everyone, look close.

Now it's a banana, and now it's a chicken.

You're incredible!

Were you using wires or mirrors back here? No, could I have a volunteer?

This is so lame.

All right, those are fucking sociopaths.

I didn't know you did magic.

You should have told me you did magic.

I would have loved to have seen some tricks.

You know, back when we were friends.

I miss those Wednesdays. We'd all meet in a cafeteria and play Wizards of... It

was so fun.

Remember how far we got? We were about to storm the Fortress of Thalamus and

finally finish the game.

But then... Lizzie ditched us.

That's fucking good, dog. I'll tell them I'm not going to fart in their faces.

And I totally will do that. Hang on.

I never ditched you guys.

Don't think I ditched you. Lizzie!

Also, you're leaving out the part where you sabotage the whole football team.

Oh, come on!

That was an accident.

Yeah, right.

What the fuck? Wait.

I can prove it. It was first semester.

I was king of the campus.

A .K .A.

I was the school mascot.

So, per tradition, I held the honor of leading the football team in their

naked run.

Gentlemen!

Cheeks out!

Have fun out there. Just remember, this is the past.

But I had bigger plans than the past. Everyone

hated

Professor Quinn.

So I figured they'd love me if I made him spend his entire day getting

by 50 naked dicks. It was a flawless plan until the stupid professor went off

campus and ran directly by a police station during Bring Your Daughter

to Work Day.

Every single player got put on the sex offender registry.

I was doing so well.

I was making friends. I was having fun.

For once in my life, people actually liked me. And then poof.

Overnight, for no reason, they all just turn on me.

Again, not me. Again, you don't count. No, but what do you mean for no reason?

mean, you broke the rules. You were reckless with the football team's dick.

I wasn't even thinking about the dicks. That's my point.

Maybe you should have been thinking about their dicks. Why are we even

about dicks? I am the victim here. Tell her, Montgomery.

I mean, maybe you could stand to think a little bit more about other people's

dicks. Uh -huh. Seriously, sorry.

Wait till you fucking get it.

Wait,

wait!

Hi.

Dude, you saved my ass!

You're welcome.

What just happened? Did I just interact with a memory?

Montgomery, my man!

This guy saved my ass earlier.

Nice.

Can we use your window? Of course, yeah. Come on in.

Oh, let me go grab your thing real quick.

What? Did we change the path? How is that even scientifically possible?

I don't know. You want to disprove quantum theory or get a pizza? Come on.

Wait. Where are you guys going?

Nowhere. Eat shit. We're climbing down the scaffolding to get downstairs to get

a pizza. Montgomery, goddammit.

Okay, great. Let's go.

Excuse me?

You are not coming with us.

You and Logan fucking fart Hitler just used us as literal toilet paper. Well, I

didn't. Goodbye and watch like a good German. Honestly, that might be worse.

Right, Montgomery? I'd actually love if we used a different metaphor.

You guys can't just leave me here, okay? Without my credit card, my friends

can't use the party bus. Oh, no. You mean to tell me that Logan may have a

slightly less fun night?

Tough pity. Let's go.

Okay.

Listen up, assholes.

If you guys don't let me come with you, I'm going to make sure Logan sharts on

you next time.

Not fart.

Shocked. To get that stain out, you won't just need soap.

You'll need therapy.

Okay, guys, come on. We need to work together.

Now, what do you say?

Fuck now. A whole hand?

Yeah. It boosts endorphins and supports cooperative thinking.

Here's this back.

It is wild.

Wait, how did you get... Hope you don't mind I took one. Those five phases were

so fun.

What do you mean, six phases? Oh, there's a sixth phase?

What is it?

Uh, uh, I don't know.

No.

Oh, God, no!

It's a mall Santa!

Who's in your sheets, huh?

Mall Santa?

Oh, my God!

We gotta get that fucking pizza

But to receive anything less, it's failure.

Doom.

Oblivion.

What the fuck?

Yes, and I am Samistra.

All right, let's find out.

That thing's shaking as shit. We should probably go one at a time.

Oh, I almost bit it.

Hey,

is that a worry wart?

They're great, right?

Not the newer models. They kind of suck because they added too many doodads.

It's like six more sides. It's terrible.

But, you know, if you need any other wrecks, let me know.

Like, for example, when I'm really freaking out, it helps when someone

right earlobe and blows on my nose.

Um, listen, I just want to say I didn't ditch you guys.

I just, you were like me. No, I get it.

You gotta go with the alphas. I'm actually becoming an alpha myself.

What?

Nothing happened.

Oh, yeah, no, I know. I just thought, like, something might.

Anyhow, cheers.

Guys! Get down here!

Whoa.

It's the pajama party.

You guys think they have yellow socks?

Who cares?

Montgomery!

Montgomery! Oh, my God.

Ash is here.

Montgomery, come meet my friend. What should I do?

Nothing. Should I go talk to her? No, come on. We have a fucking mission.

Okay, I won't.

I'm not going to go talk to her. I'm just going to go talk to her. Get the

back over here. Wish me luck.

No. Bad luck, you fucker. There he goes. I'm honestly a little proud of him.

Any other night, this would be great.

Wait, whose dorm is this?

This is a football party. Yo, we got kegs, beer pong, and I'm legally

to tell you I'm a registered sex offender.

It's fine. Let's just keep moving and get to the pizza.

Jack? Guys,

this is Montgomery.

Montgomery? This is my band.

Oh, hi.

Nice to meet you guys.

Okay. So, what type of music do you guys play?

We play folk music.

Oh my gosh, I love folk.

Yeah? Here.

Flyers.

Oh. Well, I guess technically it's new wave, non -consensual death metal folk.

What type of instruments is that?

So, George plays guitar, Simon's on horns, Tina's on drums, and I play

You plate up? Yep. I hook him up to this machine that simulates the pains of

childbirth, and then I create harmonies from his extracted screams.

Fantastic.

Hey! Oh, it's you.

What are you doing under here? Come on, let's go.

Are you nuts?

These animals will eat me alive.

No, I'm staying right here. Fine, whatever.

I'll just go figure out a way to get this pizza up without you. Great, good.

Just go ditch us again.

Stop with that, okay? Because I didn't ditch you guys. You were like my first

month of school friends, and then I found my real friends, and it happens to

everyone. Your real friends? Yes. Give me a fucking break. They don't like you.

They like your credit card.

You have no idea what you're talking about. You're just jealous.

You're you.

And I'm me.

What just happened to my voice?

Then why am I looking at me?

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Am I in your body?

I don't know if you know this, but I recently became a alpha.

Oh, nice.

Is this the coke room?

Whoops. Sorry about that.

Anyhow, like I was saying, I hate soy boy beta cock. Did you just apologize to

him?

Yeah. I mean...

No, I mean... Okay, I think I'm just gonna go hang out with my friends.

Wait, uh... Montgomery?

Huh?

What's going on?

Where am I?

Wait! Oh, my God!

Am I... What the fuck is this fucking drug?

Are you okay?

I crave nectar.

Sorry? I crave nectar.

Jack, did you paint your fingernails with Sharpie? Shut up, it looks great.

What's wrong with you? Yo.

Lizzie? Yeah?

I'm not talking to you.

Lizzie. What?

Stop it.

Dude, what are you doing down here with freak -ass face?

Actually, I'm hanging out with him because he fucking rules. No, no, you

think that. You think I blow. No, I don't. Yeah, you do. No, I don't. Yeah,

do. No, I don't. And I really wouldn't call his face freak -ass. I would call

distinguished. And I don't know why people keep saying that. Yeah, you

you do. You think people should spit in my face? Spit in my face.

Thank you.

Okay, well, we're over by the bar.

Come hang.

What are you waiting for? Go hang.

hanging out with those assholes? You go to them or I will rip your dick off. Oh,

you touch my dick?

I will piss your skort.

Lindsay! Joe's on!

Okay, fine. Thank you. But you owe me one. Sure. Just make me look good,

Please.

Okay. Yeah, for sure.

What's up?

What's up?

Let's do some Joe shots!

Hey, dude.

Could you grab that phone?

Okay, I'm legally required to inform you I'm a registered sex offender. Huh?

Wait. It's you.

Me? No, fuck me.

Oh, fuck! Oh, my face!

It can't be real! It can't be real! I can't see shit!

I hope my standard's being responsible with my body. Hey, man, do your bump.

Where are the stairs?

What are

you

doing? Oh, Logan, thank God.

You've got to hit him way harder than that.

You've got to lean into it. Use your back.

I gotta take a break.

Eyes front.

Wait, that voice. Is that... Advisors, prepare yourselves.

Just down that hall, there's a pajama party.

Oh, no.

And in it are the remaining students on our lift.

Lift? This lift contains the name of every student in this dorm.

That has made our lives a living hell. Alright, let me see.

What? No! Holy shit!

Did you also just hear the tiniest voice in the world say holy shit?

We move quickly.

We confiscate their phones, unlock them with our secret weapon, and then use

them to submit a very specific housing request.

To transfer them to the worst dorm at this school.

What? I'm of course talking about...

Ralk Hall.

Located four hours away on a satellite campus forgotten by God.

Lit by candle, plumbed by aqueduct, and heated by the bitter breath of

unheard prayers.

Ralk is a cemetery for the living.

It turns even the good kids into unforgiving feral beasts.

The kids fade fast, each breath more distant than

the last.

Their lives are over, they never call.

Forgotten names inside.

Could you repeat that? Go away!

We don't like you. Okay? Go anywhere else but here.

For sure.

The rest of you, just move out.

Oh god, I gotta get back!

I gotta warn him! Yeah, I ordered everything off the menu. Got the flank

got the hanger steak, got the filet mignon, got the confit, got the gumbo,

the milkshake, chocolate and vanilla. Hey, what the fuck, man?

Who the fuck are you?

I am Lysander Featherhelm, bird of its name.

Lord of the Syracuse Meadows.

I serve the one God, Montgomery, and I shall have my nectar!

What the fuck?!

I'm not Jack!

Yes! Yes!

Oh! Oh, shit.

Yo, I gotta bounce. Party bus is here. Wait! You need Lucy! You need Lucy! She

went to that. She's right over there.

Yes. Guess we need her credit card. Ugh!

Whatever. She'll meet us there.

Goal!

Oh, fuck.

Come on, Montgomery!

Why? Why?

Oh, my God, Montgomery, are you okay?

Yeah. Wait, what did I do?

I mean, that was kind of incredible.

Yeah. What was?

You dominated that guy. I don't know. I'm sorry. Actually, I gotta go. But

seeing you. Hey, later. Oh, okay. Well, uh, see you later.

Oh.

You're still making me look good.

I owe you one. You owe me two.

One. One and a half? Zero.

One.

Zero. Oh, my God.

They're outside.

Who? They're taking kids to Krog Hall. Who is?

We gotta get out of here. What are you talking about, man?

Am I on cocaine?

Fine.

the hell is going on? The RAs are taking people's phones and using them to

request room transfers to Grawl Call, and our names are on the list. Fuck!

If we get sent to Grawl Call, it won't even matter if we stop this drug.

I mean, what life would we even have left to live? I know!

Ash will never date me, I'll probably get scurvy, and they don't have any

rooms. What about me?

If I get sent to Grawl, then Logan will probably never talk to me. Oh, this

again. At least you'll survive. These kids are gonna rip me apart like a pack

wild dogs. Let's just focus up.

The R -Rays need our phones, right?

So we just need to get the pizza and get out of the dorms, and then we won't get

chainsawed or grokked.

Okay? And in the meantime, we'll just hide here and let's go.

Oh, no.

Just grabbing something from the meeting room. I'll be right there.

Triple sword!

Language. How do we get out of here?

Vent!

We can go through the vents. You want to crawl through the vents? Are you

insane? What are you talking about? We need to think of something realistic.

You are blowing it!

Pull yourself together, Sydney.

Hi.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize there were other people in here.

I'm Sydney. I'm new here.

Still meeting all the RAs. Hi. How's it going?

Well, we really got to get going.

Oh, actually, do you mind if I ask you some questions? I'm having kind of a

time fitting in.

We really, really got to go, though.

Yeah.

Obviously things are like crazy right now. You guys probably have official RA

duties to do, right?

No.

I mean, no. What?

Sorry about him. What he means to say is no.

No. No. Look, the truth is, no, we don't have any RA duties.

Great. So we can talk.

Let's grab a seat.

So, I just started, and I feel like everyone's mad at me, you know, but I

know why, because I'm trying really hard and being nice, and I guess I'm just

looking for ways to connect with the other RAs.

Like, you know, what do you guys do in your free time?

Oh, not much. Sometimes I Google if my penis force gets too long.

Hmm.

Yeah, well...

I guess I meant more like communal activities. Like, do you guys go to the

together or exercise?

I only go to the gym to see pics of other guys' foreskin to see if mine is

longer than normal.

What the fuck?

Totally.

I'm just going to pivot away from the moment you're having and I'll pop it

to you.

Pass. No, can't pass. Just trying to see if we're into the same thing.

Like, what'd you do last Saturday?

Oh, nothing really. I had breakfast and then I got banned from oldbuffdaddy .com

for violating their terms of service.

I don't want to ask, but I need to know.

What'd you do? I tried to pay a prostitute to impersonate my father and

compliment.

Okay. I feel like I need to change how I'm asking the question.

I'm not talking about weird stuff you've done on the internet.

More like, what's something you've done today? I purchased a pill that's

reported to shrink foreskins by 35%. I'm done talking to you. Maybe I'm talking

to you.

Pass. There's no passing. But I'm a woman. That won't work on me.

There should be passing. I didn't pass. I'm not talking to you. Please don't.

Alright, you.

Blonde girl.

What have you done today?

I got my nails done.

Okay, that's what I'm talking about.

Let's keep it in that gear.

Huh? What else?

I went number two in Logan's toilet, but it clogged, and I didn't want him to

see my poop, so I put it in a bag, and that bag's still in my purse.

Okay.

Are you okay? No.

Okay.

I gotta ask.

Why are y 'all doing this stuff?

Because I'm seeking external validation to alleviate my conceited fear of being

alone.

Oh my gosh.

I think I'm starting to understand something.

You guys are friends because you reveal your ugliest, darkest truths to one

another. And you don't judge each other for it.

That's what friendship is, huh?

So I'll join ya.

I'm just gonna tell you guys.

Something I've never told anyone before.

You don't have to. I'm gonna.

Okay.

My name is Sidney Putt.

I'm 31 years young.

I like to dress up as the Grinch in a diaper while sucking down a bunch of

helium so I can make a beep beep.

That feels incredible to share.

Thank y 'all for creating the space for me to say that.

Great. Well, we really gotta keep going.

Absolutely, yeah.

I'll, uh...

I'll see you guys at the next RA meeting.

No, you won't, because we're not RAs. We're students on the growth hall list.

Huh? Gwen!

Gwen! No. Gwen!

Help! Help!

No, stop it. Let her go. Help! Let her go.

I'll throw it at you. Okay, okay. I'll do it. Don't test me. Okay. I'm on the

freaking edge.

Take it easy.

I'll do it. No, you won't.

Hey, hi, Logan.

Lizzie, where are you? You have to pay the driver or he won't let me honk the

horn. Oh, uh, sorry. Yeah, I have to eat the pizza real quick.

We've got pizza on the bus.

Just get here. You agree not to fall in love or lust with Snagitron.

Hey.

So they've got pizza on the bus.

Mm. So I'm going to head there, but, um, please don't tell anyone about my

purse. Oh, it's a shit. I've actually done the exact same thing.

You may not teach Snack -O -Trop to be racist.

Thanks, guys. And you may never, ever ride Snack -O -Trop. Do you agree to

terms? Yes. Please click agree.

Fuck yeah.

Are you satisfied with your order?

God, let's eat this quick and get the fuck out of here before we get sent to

Grok Hall.

Wait, what were you saying before about single room? Oh, nothing. Just that I'm

requesting a room transfer because I don't want to live with you anymore.

What? Hello, boys.

We've been looking for you.

You made quite the mess in my room.

So, are you satisfied with your order? Collect their phones.

And take them to the wellness lounge.

Wait, hey, hey, let's go.

Give way, damn it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Wait, you can't understand.

Wait. At least give us our pizza.

At least give us our pizza. We need pizza.

Do you have any pizza?

Do you have any pizza?

Fuck, Jack. What do we do?

You're requesting a room transfer?

No. Oh, good. We can lie again.

Shit. So you're fucking ditching me.

I'm not ditching you. Well, kind of looks like it. What the fuck else would

really call it? It's not what... Oh, don't start. You know what? You are just

like everybody else. But it's okay. It's fine. Jack. I get it because being

around me is just, what, social suicide?

It's okay. That's not right. Leave me behind. I might as well just move here

into the wellness lounge with my people. Jack. The scum.

The forgotten folk. But it's fine.

I want a five -star fucking establishment. And you and your

forget that I exist. I mean, after everything I have done for you, you

ungrateful asshole. Oh, my God, would you stop being such a fucking victim?

I wanted to switch rooms because I need a fucking break.

I'm sorry, Jack, but living with you, it's like the Jack show all the time.

do whatever you want to do without thinking about anyone else. Okay, well,

the fuck were you planning on telling me this? I'm not a mind reader.

You don't listen.

You ignore me and then pressure me to do shit that I don't want to do. Name one

thing I pressured you to do.

Drugs!

I didn't want to do drugs tonight. I don't even like drinking caffeinated

But boo -hoo, everybody hates Jack, so we got to do what you want to do.

apparently, I...

don't count.

And now we're locked up in here, we're gonna get chainsawed up the ass, the RAs

are sending us to Grog Hall, and... What the fuck?

What the hell is going on?

And I have no idea what that was, but I know it's your fault. Oh, please.

If it wasn't for me, you'd never leave your room.

You would sit there, buried under your fucking covers, afraid to breathe,

because you...

are the most pathetic, biggest pussy I have ever met.

Gee, Jack, I really don't see why everybody hates your fucking guts. Fuck

Fuck you!

Hey, take him to the old dungeon.

So remember when I said I wasn't going to fart on their faces?

Oh shit! She's here.

Lizzy!

Lizzy!

Lizzy! Sorry, uh, where's that pizza?

Oh shit, the pizza.

No, I just, I lied to you because you were taking forever.

Also, why do you smell vaguely of poop?

I'll be right back.

Wait, you need to pay the driver!

Are you satisfied with your order? Are you satisfied with your order? Are you

satisfied with your order? Are you satisfied with your order? Are you

with your order? Are you satisfied with your order? Dr. Collins?

Can you give me those two guys' minds?

Take them to the wellness lounge.

Crabbleclaw! I must know if Montgomery was satisfied with his order!

Hello, Jack.

Welcome.

Do you like the old study hall?

This room was built as a sanctuary for hard -working students to

research their theses and prepare for exams.

But now, it's nothing but rubble.

What?

It's nothing but rubble. Thank you.

The R .A. has recruited me young.

He promised me the world.

All I had to do was keep an eye on things after dark.

But they didn't mention that the dark never ends.

Try as I might, I couldn't calm the chaos.

This study hall was destroyed when a drunken sophomore shot a Roman candle

of his ass into a bucket of rum.

You see?

There are no scholars here.

Only demons with student IDs.

And they must be purged.

All we need now is to unlock their phones.

And you, Jack, are the key.

Early Internet message boards predicted the coming.

The chosen face.

One so distinct.

So peculiar.

So utterly... Freak -ass. Oh, come on. It would profoundly

beguile every phone's face ID.

A skeleton key.

For nearly all of Folsomester, we have searched for this face.

And now we've found it.

One face to unlock them all.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Where is the pizza?

We already took it.

Okay, well, come on. We gotta go get it.

No, I'm done.

I'm staying here with the forgotten folk.

What are you talking about?

Wait, how did you get in here?

The door only locked me in.

Hide!

how we're going to get out of here.

Come on, come on. You can do it. Prove them wrong, Snackatron.

Prove them all wrong.

Yippee!

Only 182 left to go.

I can't believe we're crawling through a fucking vent.

Keep going, it's gonna dump out somewhere.

I just wanted a quiet night in.

I keep getting friction problems.

Hey, wait, stop.

Lifehander?

Lifehander? Hey, hey buddy, you okay?

Dead.

I can't.

What the fuck? Montgomery.

Oh, what the hell?

Hey. Oh, shit.

Montgomery. I lost my butterfly.

Look at me. I lost my best friend. We have to keep this together. We have to

the pizza from the audience. No.

I can't. There's too many of them. Jack was right.

I'm not an elf.

I'm a fucking pussy.

Montgomery. I'm heavy. I'm heavy.

Look at me. Attack.

Look at me. No.

Look at me. No. Montgomery.

Just let me die.

You're also not a pussy.

You stood by your best friend when nobody else did.

That is brave.

I couldn't do that.

I guess.

I didn't do that.

I ditched you guys.

I guess I thought that if I was friends with you, then...

People wouldn't like me.

But turns out people don't like me very much anyway.

What? Who doesn't like you?

You're like the coolest person I've ever met.

You're smart.

You're good at board games.

You do magic.

I mean, you're Lizzie the Magnificent.

I'm sorry we didn't get to finish the game.

Yeah.

That would have been nice to finally see. The game!

That's it!

Remember last campaign, how we created that musical distraction with the Merry

Minstrels?

Yeah, but what does that have to do?

Let's go turn the fort to sound.

Wait!

Frank, I have no idea what we're doing.

Oh, right. I have to be more specific.

The RAs took Jack and the pizza to the old study hall, and I have a plan to

distract them.

Okay.

Still looking for a gig?

Sorry, I need more information.

Oh, right. Sorry, I have to be more specific.

The R -Race suggests... That's the last phone.

We're all set here, sir.

Listen up.

Tonight is a momentous occasion.

The phones are all unlocked.

Synchronized. and wired to the control panel.

Soon, the transfer request will be sent.

Our watch will finally be ended.

And a bright new day shall start. What is that music?

What are you guys doing?

We're rescuing you.

Hi.

Hi.

You look good.

Thank you, I know.

How have you been?

Fine. Like you care?

Well, if you're going to talk like that, maybe I won't untie you. Maybe I don't

want to be untied.

Shut the fuck up.

The show's over. Get the fuck out. Let's go.

Everyone get out.

I only have a few moments, so you guys are going to go get the phones, I'm

to go get the pizza, and then we're going to reconvene at the stairwell and

sneak out quietly.

Got it? Got it. Great.

Let's move.

Montgomery!

Fuck! Are you satisfied with your order?

Uh -huh.

Look who's joined the party.

The last name's on my list.

Montgomery? Hi.

Lizzie? Can I just ask, why am I being sent a girl call?

I'm a really well -behaved kid. I mean, I'm polite, I'm nice, I'm responsible

with my body and the doors.

I tell you guys my favorite puns. You're weird, and we don't like you.

Copy that. Fine, you got us. Can we at least just have the pizza?

Pizza?

Oh, this pizza.

Yeah, it feels like it's missing a topping.

Maybe, uh... Toxic whey.

What? No!

Time to die.

What are you going to, like, fucking kill us? We're not... No, we're not

to kill you. We're going to, like, beat you guys up a bunch. How does that

sound? Time to beat you guys up a bunch? It's damn weird.

Whatever. Just hurt them.

What's happening?

Shit,

it's the next...

Is everyone okay?

What? Where are we?

I think we're all inside some guy.

Oh, my God.

I know what this is.

We're not one.

We're... Hola.

My name is Juan.

What the fuck is this fucking room?

God damn it.

Impossible. What's happening? Shut up. We need to move as one. Did you say one?

I said one.

Move as one.

Wait. One or what?

One. It doesn't matter. Come on.

Get off of me. You get off of me. Guys, we need to focus. We're running out of

time. Enough.

And we're about to get our asses kicked.

Stop the orange.

Get out of the forest. What do I do? Just break them. Shit. Fucking destroy.

Jack, Jack, Jack.

Give it up.

There's nothing you can do.

You can't stop this. I can't?

No.

Except I can.

Third party charger.

Look.

I've still got your phone.

I press send and that's it. You're transferred to Grog Hall.

So before you fry those phones, let's make a deal.

You give me that, I'll give you this.

And that'll be that.

Plus, I'll sweeten it.

And I'll make you an RA.

Huh?

the fuck would I want that?

Because, Jack, you know the truth.

No one at this school is ever going to forgive you for what you did to the

football team.

But you know what's better than being liked?

Being feared.

Power, Jack.

No one will ever bully you again.

Are you really gonna turn that down?

To save a bunch of people who hate your guts?

Your own roommate was ditching you.

Save him, and you'll rot in raw coal.

Or, me, your son.

Montgomery, I'm sorry.

Looks like I'll be shipping out.

What? So next year, I want you to find the best new roommate.

Jack. Find someone who's going to listen to you. Jack, no.

Jack. You don't have to do this. I want you to tell that roommate to treat you

good. Jack, we could come up with something else. Tell them to do all that

boring bullshit that you like, like the puzzles or that game. Come on. You try

to guess my favorite bird.

Eagle? Not eagle. Quit guessing eagle.

I don't want this, Jack.

This is the only way. No. Jack. You changed my mind, Jack. I want a room

you. What you want isn't what you need, man. Jack. I need you. I love you,

Montgomery. Jack. I love you, Jack. I love you so much. And I don't tell you

enough. Jack, the deal. The deal.

Come on.

Be smart, Jack.

You have to think about yourself.

Okay?

No.

I need to think about other people's dicks.

What?

I forgot one thing.

I'm Lizzie the Magnificent, bitch.

Oh, my God!

How did she do that? I don't know! That's incredible!

No! Fuck this!

Oh, shit.

Well, time to beat you to death with a pipe.

That doesn't scan either. Shut the fuck up!

Which one of you is first?

Huh? Which one?

Remember me?

Lysander! You crushed my wings.

You squashed my body. You left me for dead.

But you didn't finish the job.

Get away from me! Get away from me! From the depths of the dormitory events, I

have returned.

Fuck you, butterfly!

Go get him, Lysander!

My name is Lysander Felahel, lord of the Syracuse meadows.

I serve the one god Montgomery, and I shall have... My

vengeance!

Scorpion kick!

Victory.

The sweetest nectar.

Monty, I'll see you at home.

Oh, shit.

I got to go.

Thanks. Sure.

I owed you one.

Well, guys, we did it. We defeated the RAs.

We ate the pizza.

Oh, wait.

What's that?

What is that?

Oh, my God.

It's him.

Hi, Lizzie.

Remember me?

This fucking cunt.

I'm sorry, who are you?

I'm you, Jack.

The you you're scared you'll become.

Boring, sober, obsessed with my bird feeder.

I also review sparkling water brands on YouTube.

Oh, my God.

What's wrong with that? That honestly sounds nice. Fuck off!

Run!

No!

Shit!

What do we do?

Time to float like graceful falcons.

Fuck off, that was fun.

There are so many condoms in here.

I landed on the condom.

Hey, make a wish.

I wish I didn't land on the condom.

Oh, look on the bright side, guys.

At least we got away from the nightmare.

Let's go.

I wrote a complaint letter to Microsoft if they discontinued my favorite font.

Well, well, well.

Hello again, dickheads.

How are you not dead?

Is it not you who killed me?

Get off the bus! It's gonna take a lot more than that to get rid of Blake!

Grab him!

Happy sailing!

Do not take more than a single pill.

If you do, you will see the true, horrible nature of reality.

I just think my biggest concern right now is how little of this

makes any sense at all.

Like what?

What do you mean, like what?

Like, okay, for example, how many college freshmen do you know that own a

butterfly? That's what you find unbelievable?

We have a scene where the three leads become a Venezuelan man.

All right, fine.

But we've got to come up with a better title than Pizza Movie. Well, of course

we're not calling it Pizza Movie. That's a placeholder. I mean, if we can't beat

that, I'm going to walk into the goddamn ocean. What the fuck?

Oh, God.

One of the actors is here.

Hey, man, could you give me like ten minutes, please?

Thanks.

Oh, so listen. I told my grandfather he could have a part. Is that okay?

No.

What in the movie?

Low budget movie.

My character's not written by any nuance at all.

I'm a character.

I like only deliver exposition.

What the fuck was that?

Montgomery.

Were you satisfied with your fucking order?

Yes, Nackatron.

Yes, we were.

Time to measure the length of my foreskin. Wait, is this robot still

Goodbye.

Let's go!

Montgomery, over here.

Hey, thanks for the gig.

Thank you.

You ready?

Get this night going. I'm about to honk that horn like you won't believe.

Oh, my God, I feel so alive after performing.

Yeah, I can imagine with the electric torture.

Yeah.

Anyway, um, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go out sometime.

Lizzie, you gonna give the driver your freaking credit card?

What's up?

Montgomery?

Montgomery? No, thank you.

No. No.

I do not think we are a good match.

Why? You scare the shit out of me.

But hey, good look on the music.

Killer. Killer. Good look.

Lizzie! Stop thinking pensively and get your freaking credit card out and give

it to the... Oh, my God.

Logan, have fun.

Are you dead?

Hey, freaking ass face.

What time is it?

It's got to be 5 a .m.

It's only 8 .30.

All that only took 45 minutes?

You guys want to do something?

Want to finish our game?

I'm down.

Me too.

And I am also down.

Oh, man.

College is awesome.

I love being 19.

Grandpa, don't look at the camera. Don't talk to me that way.

Dude, this isn't working. Let's cut him. Fine. All right, should we start from

scratch or pick up where we left off?

Let's do it from scratch. Yeah? We got it.

Oh, my God.

Everything's happy, everything's nice. Everything's happy, everything's nice.

Everything's happy, everything's nice. No one's gonna die today.

Everything's happy, everything's nice.

Everything's happy, everything's nice. Everything's happy, everything's nice.

one's gonna die today.

Happy night, happy night. Happy, happy, happy night. Happy night, happy night.

Happy, happy, happy.

Everything's happy, everything's nice. Everything's happy, everything's nice.

Everything's happy, everything's nice.

No one's gonna die today Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's

happy, everything's nice Everything's happy, everything's nice No one's gonna

die today Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's happy,

everything's nice No one's gonna die today Everything's happy, everything's

Everything's happy, everything's nice Everything's happy, everything's nice No

one's gonna die today

Happy, happy, nice, nice, happy, nice, happy, nice, happy, happy, nice, happy,

nice, happy, nice, happy, nice.

Everything's happy, everything's nice, everything's happy, everything's nice,

everything's happy, everything's nice, no one's gonna die today.

Everything's happy, everything's nice, everything's happy, everything's nice,

one's gonna die today.

Everything's happy, everything's nice, everything's happy, everything's nice,

everything's happy, everything's nice, no one's gonna die today. Someone's

die today, we're all gonna die today.