Original subtitles

Previously on Georgie & Mandy's First Marriage...

[sighs] What'd Missy do now?

I came home from church early

and found your sister in her bedroom

with a boy.

Were they doing it?

They were trying.

What's that mean?

There were pants on the floor,

that is all I'm saying.

So, what'd you do?

What do you think I did?

I took off my shoe and I hit him with it.

Hey, it's your mom. She sounds mad.

[groans softly] Probably Missy.

Hello.

I am so upset with your sister.

- Missy. - Mm.

What'd she do now?

I found condoms in her room.

- What? - It is worse.

The box isn't full.

- What's happening? - Well, did you talk to her?

She is at school.

- Who's the boy? - What boy?

My mom found condoms in Missy's room.

Yikes.

I don't know who he is.

- Well, what are you gonna do? - Ground her,

kill her, I haven't decided.

How about this? You ground her, I'll kill him.

Deal.

- Give me. - Why?

I think I can help.

[sighs]

Hey, Mary. Uh, if you're okay with it, I can talk to her.

- Why? - Well, she trusts me.

Maybe I can find out what's going on.

I know what's going on.

There's a three-pack of condoms and only two left.

Well, that could mean a lot of things. [chuckles]

Like?

Like...

Let me talk to her and get back to you.

Okay. Thanks.

I cannot believe this.

Well, at least she was being careful.

Careful is keeping your pants on.

She's a teenager.

It's gonna happen sooner or later.

Later. I love later.

A-And when you talk to her, get the name of this guy.

And where he lives. And if he's bigger than me.

Okay, one step at a time.

Where did she even get condoms?

Drugstore, I guess.

Really? I never had the courage to buy them at a drugstore.

Which is why I had to buy a pregnancy test.

Why was she snooping in my room?

More importantly, you cannot tell her

I gave them to you.

? ?

[coos]

She's gonna kill me.

Probably.

What do I do?

Well, she doesn't know you did anything.

She knows there's a condom missing.

Right, so I guess that means you...

Yeah.

So, how'd it go?

Over so fast I'm not sure it counted.

Yeah. Get used to that.

[sighs] I'm dead.

Well, I think we have two options here:

we come clean and we hope she understands or...

we lie our asses off.

That one. Asses.

Okay, I'll tell your mom

that you stole them from the drugstore.

- Why? - Well, shoplifting,

it's a distraction, like pleading guilty

to a lesser offense.

- Smart. - Mm-hmm, and you were curious

how they worked, so you took one out

and you put it on a banana.

A banana?

A cucumber, a carrot, it doesn't matter.

What matters is you weren't having sex.

- Right. - Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

I got your back.

Someday I hope I can do this kind of thing for CeeCee.

What is wrong with you? No!

If you don't need anything else, I'm-a head out.

Already?

I work part-time for free. I leave when I want.

Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Sure.

When Mandy was a teenager,

how did you keep boys away from her?

Your daughter craps in a diaper.

That ought to take care of the boys for a while.

No, it's my sister.

With my dad gone, she's my responsibility.

Yeah, I get that.

Well, when the fellas used to come around to see Mandy,

I'd shake their hands so hard I could see tears in their eyes.

I think I missed my window to scare the boy off.

Oh, well, in that case, I find living in denial

to be an excellent coping strategy.

So, stick my head in the sand?

Oh, yeah. Deep as you can go.

- I-I don't think I can do that. - You sure?

It got me through finding out that my daughter got knocked up

by some dumbass 17-year-old.

But now you love me, right?

Shake my hand, let me show you how much.

You know I don't like gossip, but there's a nasty rumor

going around about one of our younger parishioners.

Oh. Really?

Um, anyone I know?

Actually, yes.

Mark Delfino.

Word on the street is, he's selling marijuana cigarettes.

Everybody knows that. He's a terrible child.

Oh, you're here.

Hey.

Hey, Mandy. What brings you by?

She doesn't need a reason to visit her mother-in-law.

JEFF [laughs]: That's nice.

How's little CeeCee doing?

I bet she's gabbing up a storm.

Oh, yeah, she is a real chatterbox.

- Okay, bye. - Bye.

- What have you got? - Okay, it's not as bad as you think.

There was no sex.

Oh, thank the Lord.

Wait.

Why, then, was there a condom missing?

[chuckles]: Oh, well...

You're gonna laugh.

Um, she was curious,

so she took one out and she put it on a banana.

That's what she told you?

Yeah.

And you believed it?

You don't?

No. That is the stupidest story I've ever heard.

No, it's a good story. It's very plausible.

Oh, and she stole them from the drugstore.

Well, that part I buy.

What are you gonna do?

[exhales]

I am gonna put the fear of God into that girl

is what I'm gonna do.

Well, what exactly does that entail?

Well, for starters, I'm gonna ground her,

take her door off her bedroom.

- That should do it. - Then I'm gonna sit her in front of the TV

and make her watch videos of childbirth.

Try and find some big-headed babies.

Wow. You've really thought about this.

Every day for 16 years.

Oh, CeeCee's getting cuter by the day.

You know, when she was born,

she was bald and chunky like Jim,

but now she's all me.

Hey, Mom, need the phone.

Oh, in a minute. I'm talking to your Aunt Louise.

Okay, but this is important.

Well, so is this.

It's Amanda.

Aunt Louise says hi.

Oh, let me talk to her. [laughs softly]

Hi, Aunt Louise. Bye, Aunt Louise.

Amanda.

Yes, I know, I'm terrible.

I'll be right back.

- MISSY [over phone]: Hello. - Hey.

She didn't believe the banana story,

which is crazy, 'cause it's so good.

MARY: Melissa Cooper, where are you?

- I got to go. - Oh, but she did believe

you stole it, so run with that.

[exhales]

What was that all about?

Oh, I'd rather not say.

Amanda.

Missy got caught shoplifting.

I believe it.

Who is the boy?

There is no boy.

- Was that him on the phone? - No.

You had better start explaining yourself.

Why? You're just gonna tell me I'm going to hell.

Well, sex before marriage is a sin.

You did it.

And God punished me

with a disrespectful daughter.

I'm not talking about this.

But you'll talk to Mandy?

Yes. She listens and doesn't lecture me.

Did she know about this?

Pass the salt.

Hello?

- Huh? - Salt.

Oh. Sorry.

You okay?

Yeah. Fine.

Here's some good news: I may buy a trombone.

How is that good news?

I don't own one and now I might.

Anyone else lost?

[phone ringing]

I'll get it.

Hello?

She's headed your way and she's pissed.

Hang on.

- What did you tell her? - [doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

Hey.

We're eating dinner. Don't be rude.

You're on the phone.

I thought my trombone news would've made a bigger splash.

Where is your lying wife?

Can you come back later? We're having dinner.

Mary, I know you're mad...

Oh, I am way past mad. I am ticked.

About what?

You don't know about this one giving your sister condoms?

What?

How could you do that? She's just a kid.

Should we give them some privacy?

- Shut up. - No.

What were you thinking?

MARY: She was thinking

that it was her place

to make decisions about my daughter.

Hey, she came to me.

Uh, then you lied about it?

Only because I didn't want to get her in trouble.

Or get me in trouble.

You stay away from Missy.

[exhales] Wow.

I've never seen her so upset.

She ain't the only one.

- Whoa. - I'm with Mary on this.

Whoa.

[sighs]

Are you avoiding me?

I'm trying.

Okay, listen. Missy was talking to me

about this guy she's seeing, it was starting to get serious,

so I wanted to make sure she was safe.

Did you try telling her not to do it?

[scoffs] If anybody had told you that, would it have worked?

That's different. I'm a guy.

So it was okay for you to have sex in high school

but not the girls you were with?

Yes.

And I, for one, was disappointed

in their lack of self-control.

[chuckles] I'm sure they were disappointed, too.

This ain't about me. This is about you keeping secrets.

You honestly want to know about your sister's sex life?

No, but I need to. She's my responsibility.

[clicks tongue] Fine.

She's been seeing this guy for a while,

she really likes him, they've been fooling around,

mostly over-the-clothes stuff, but you know...

You're right, don't want to hear it.

Which is why I was handling it.

She's my responsibility, too.

Well, my mom don't see it that way.

Well, then you need to make her understand.

I ain't taking your side in this.

You have no choice. I'm your wife.

So I don't get to decide the side I'm on?

No, the side was decided, and the side is mine.

What about the boy? Can I at least kick his ass?

MANDY: Should my brother have kicked your ass?

GEORGIE: Connor? Please.

Like I had time to beat up every guy Mandy had sex with.

So, just because I'm married,

I'm supposed to tell my mom she's wrong?

You can't go against your mom.

Well, what about my wife?

Dude, you only get one mom.

You can have tons of wives.

Seriously?

Fine. Two, three, tops.

Maybe four. You started young.

Since you have none wives, maybe pipe down.

Well, what would you do?

Rule of thumb,

if you have to pick between two women,

always pick the one you sleep with.

Aw, you can only sleep with one woman? [chuckles]

I sleep with several.

- No, you don't. - I could.

So you always side with Mrs. McAllister over your mom?

Exactly.

You know, I've never met your mom.

Exactly.

Well, I'm not cutting out my mother.

I want her and Mandy to get along.

I really could.

MARY: I have tried so hard

to raise Missy with good Christian values.

Not your fault. Kids these days

are faced with all sorts of temptation.

Tell me about it.

Just the other day, I saw a music video

about a man who liked big butts.

Oh, Lord.

He was honest about it.

But it's still very troubling.

And Mandy's not helping, making Missy think

that this kind of behavior's acceptable.

Well, we'll continue to pray on this.

Thank you for listening.

God didn't give me these just for holding up sunglasses.

- Hey, Georgie. - Shh.

I don't want my mom to know I'm here.

- What's going on? - Oh, she's mad at Mandy,

I'm caught in the middle,

and I'm hoping you can smooth things out.

Won't that put me in the middle?

Yep. So what's the plan?

Well, your mother's unhappy

that Mandy overstepped her bounds.

I didn't ask for a recap, I asked for a plan.

I suppose I could sit down with all parties

and open up a line of communication?

Great. Let me know how it goes.

You're one of the parties.

Oh, come on.

Does anyone really think I'll be helpful here?

You're not putting me in a room with three angry women, Georgie.

You're coming.

First of all, I just want to thank everyone

for being here.

In a family, nothing is more important

than honest and open communica...

Oh, just start.

I'll start. I don't want to be here.

Well, you should've thought about that

before you took your clothes off.

Please let me leave.

Suck it up.

You are so lucky your father's not alive,

because this would've killed him.

And you wonder why she doesn't want to talk to you.

- Mandy. - What? She's making it worse.

- No, you're making it worse. - Uh, Georgie,

let's keep it civil.

You're right. I should take a walk around the block and...

Sit.

The reason we're here is not to rehash the past.

What's been done is done.

It's for y'all to find a way forward

as a loving Christian family.

This isn't fair. Georgie had sex in high school,

no one went crazy.

- Hey. - I was not happy about that,

but at least he married her.

I wasn't talking about Mandy.

Hey.

How did I go so wrong with my children?

Oh, well, if it makes you feel any better,

Sheldon will probably die a virgin.

That is not true.

When the time is right, he will find a wife

and have a beautiful family.

Oh, come on, Mom.

Just leave Shelly out of this.

And you stay away from Missy.

It's not her fault. I asked her for help.

Yeah, because she couldn't come to you.

Why? Because I have values that you think are a joke?

I don't think they're a joke, I think they're unrealistic.

Teenagers have sex.

Excuse me. Most save themselves for marriage.

- Most? - Many.

How many?

The point is, abstinence is cool.

Missy, I hope you understand,

your mother is just trying to keep you safe.

So was I.

I'm talking about her soul.

And I'm talking about her not getting pregnant.

There is only one sure way to not get pregnant.

Being Sheldon's future wife?

That's enough out of you.

Really? You're on Mom's side?

No, I'm...

I'm on Mandy's side.

Is that so?

Seriously?

So, you're okay with your wife

giving your sister prophylactics?

Yes.

Just to be clear,

that's what old people call condoms, right?

Right.

Then, yeah, I guess I am.

Georgie.

Hey, I don't like the idea

of her doing stuff with boys either.

It's not "boys," it's just "boy."

What's his name?

- Nice try. - See? She can't talk to me

'cause I just want to kick this kid's ass,

she can't talk to you 'cause you're just gonna pray at her,

so it's good she's got Mandy.

She can always talk to me.

I'm being serious right now.

So, if you're gonna be mad at Mandy,

then be mad at me, too, 'cause we're a team.

Done.

Can I leave now?

This meeting? Yes.

Your room? Not for the next 20 years!

I know we may not have solved everything,

but I think we made some progress.

"Abstinence is cool"?

If you'd ever tried it, you'd know.

Whoa.

Mary, that was uncalled for.

But we were all thinking it.

[soft moan]

You can't do that here.

I-It's okay, Officer, we're married.

Then go home.

Sorry, um...

he took my side over his mother's tonight, and...

I couldn't keep my hands off him.

You took her side?

Yes, ma'am.

Then knock yourselves out.

[trombone playing]

In his defense, he did warn us.

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