Original subtitles

?

America's 250th birthday is coming up,

which means fireworks.

Woo-hoo!

But if you're a dog,

boo-hoo.

We're not expecting you to stop firing off explosives.

This is still America.

But here's how to keep your pet safe,

even while the world around them gets loud.

Dress your dog in a weighted vest and earmuffs.

Works a charm. Right, Shred?

I've never felt so calm in my life.

Startled dogs often make a run for it.

So, microchip your pet or else this will happen.

[whispers] Go. Run.

Go! Come on, you're embarrassing me.

Play soothing music to keep your pooch calm.

Or if you're like me and you have perfect pitch,

just sing to them.

[singing] There's nothing to be afraid of.

Just because the sky is on fire.

And when in doubt, cuddles go a long way.

And on an unrelated but mandatory note,

Seattle is experiencing a boom in waterborne anal worms.

So make your vaccination appointment soon, and...

[all] Happy birthday, America!

? [vocalizing]

Okay. Listen up, people.

The Animal Control Officers Association is

sending a representative today to observe our two

ACOOTY nominees.

ACOOTY?

Animal Control Officer of the Year.

And why didn't you just say that?

Err... because ACOOTY saves time.

And yet, here we are.

Anyways, they're sending Wayne Peters.

Ooh, they're bringing in the big dog.

He was the first person to ever win the award,

and he endorsed eight of the last nine winners.

He's a bit of a kingmaker.

If you win Wayne's vote, you win officer of the year.

[Frank] Stay alert.

He's been known to Undercover Boss it

with disguises.

He could be an old man looking for a dog.

And one time in Eugene...

he was the dog.

When is he coming?

He's already here.

[everyone gasps]

That's right. Always observe an animal

before you enter their habitat.

[Templeton] Great to meet you, sir.

Officer Dudge.

Officer Shaw.

Two nominees from the same precinct.

That's rare, almost like...

an albino rattlesnake.

Whoa!

Is it hemotoxic or neurotoxic venom?

Neuro.

You're a badass.

Well, I am here to identify the person who best demonstrates

professionalism, integrity, and a commitment to animal safety.

And whoever shows me these qualities will get

my recommendation as one of the 10 finalists

for this year's award.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to hit the head.

I've been in this onesie all morning.

Okay, Wayne is gonna do a ride-along

with both you and Templeton.

I need you to impress him, 'cause if Templeton

wins this award, he's coming for my job.

Yeah, he's gotten bolder.

I caught him eating lunch here yesterday,

doing a pretend Zoom with the mayor.

Is that why there was feta on my keyboard?

Frank, you have to win.

Guys, this comes down to personality.

I got it in the bag.

[Victoria] Hmm.

What is these looks?

Guys, I'm diligent. I'm smart.

I'm quick with a zinger, like...

Emily, you'd be taken more seriously if your sentences

didn't sound like questions.

Okay. Ouch?

Yeah, I hate to say it, but I think Templeton

has a very pale leg up on you.

The terrible stuff that he says seems like jokes

if you don't know him.

Maybe you need to do something,

I don't know, a little extra.

Something that makes Templeton look worse.

I'm sorry, is there something wrong with your stomach?

No, I think she wants Frank to sabotage Templeton.

As your boss, I would never suggest that.

On the record.

Yeah, I'm in.

Shred, what ideas do we have left in the dossier?

There's the one where we convince Templeton

he's becoming the smallest man on Earth.

But that could take years.

See, I would never condone anything like that.

Because that would be cheating.

I got it, just please don't wink again.

?

So, Maya's been hounding me for a double date

with you and Parker.

I've been trying to hold her off, but she just-

she's got this couples therapist

wrapped around her finger. -Hmm.

Usually when Parker and I meet up with other couples,

group sex is involved.

Yeah... no, this would be like a corner booth at P.F. Chang's.

Say, 5:45.

One bottle of wine, split four ways.

You know, then we take home the rest.

'Kay, wow. This is all very... heteronormative,

trad-wife, norm-core.

Which would make it kinda the freakiest thing

that Parker and I had done in a whi- you know what?

Tell her we're in.

Are you sure?

[gasps] Parker could tuck his shirt in.

Oh, my God! With a belt.

[cackles]

Hilarious. That's so good.

For the record, I don't love you mocking my lifestyle.

Old Navy's having a sale. Huh.

I know what I'm doing on Saturday.

?

Somebody's gotta go first.

Then again, somebody's gotta go last.

Doesn't matter to me.

Either way, he's gonna be eating a delicious �clair

from his favorite bakery.

You're bribing him with an eclair after lunch?

That's embarrassing.

-I'll go first. -Fine by me.

All right, that's classic reverse psychology.

I will go second.

Mmm! Figured me out.

Now, that is reverse psychology.

I will go first.

-What is that? -Hey!

Like a violin.

Hey, Shred. I had dinner with my friend Cassie last night.

I showed her one of your snowboard clips. She's in.

-In? -To you!

And you'd love her. She's so athletic

and pretty and shorter than you.

So I sent her a text this morning,

and she's open to a setup.

Yeah, that's really sweet and cool.

5'7" is also the global average for men.

Not that that matters.

Um, but I don't think I'm really in a place right now-

No, listen!

I've known her forever from church.

She's like my little church daughter.

You're like my work son. It's perfect!

Unless... are you seeing someone?

No, no, he's not seeing anyone.

No, you should do it. She sounds perfect.

Um...

[Shred] Yes.

Okay, yeah. I'd take her

for... a spin. Ride. I- I'd go out with her.

But, can you tell her I'm shy and I don't like to kiss

on the first date.

Ooh, nothing makes undies drop faster than a gentleman.

- Ah!

I got a good feeling about this.

Uh, sorry. What is happening?

Hello? It looks suspicious if you won't go on a setup

with the perfect woman.

Yeah, or we could just tell everybody we're together,

and I don't go on the weird, fake date.

It's just, it's not a good time, with Wayne Peters,

and the ACOOTYs and there's a supermoon tomorrow.

So this is a better plan, just trust me.

I didn't know about the supermoon.

-Yeah. -Okay.

I will go on the date.

But, while I'm holding her hand, I'll be imagining it's yours.

Why will you be holding her hand?

This is a very confusing assignment you've given me.

And here I thought my greatest disguise

was hiding my sweet tooth.

Ehh, a good officer does his research.

[bat screeches] -Whoa!

Bat. Rousettus aegyptiacus.

Unconfined.

How do we proceed, officer?

Uh, okay. Wet road conditions.

School bus on my six. Too dicey to brake.

I'm gonna confuse its echolocation.

Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

Wee-wee-oh!

Textbook.

[Dudge] I'll give you that one.

I said that, I did say that.

Wayne, just want to apologize on behalf of the precinct

for what you experienced on that ride along.

Questionable jokes, unnecessary lip licking,

giggling and whispering like a farmhouse ghost.

Au contraire.

Wayne and I had a fine time

controlling the animals of Seattle.

He caught a bat while driving.

I've never seen such deft fingers.

Um...

well, I'm glad you enjoyed your opener,

because your headliner's about to melt your face off.

Unfortunately, that bat took a huge chunk of our day.

Why don't we just grab a hotel lobby coffee tomorrow?

I'm rolling out for Boise around 9:00.

-I'll be there at 7:00. -I wake up at 8:15.

T-Bag, impressive stuff today, buddy.

Thanks.

Nice try, Frank.

And the ACOOTY goes to Dirk Templeton Dudge.

Why doesn't he just go by Dirk?

This is out of control.

Thanks to your little prank, Templeton looks like

gosh dang Captain America.

How was I supposed to know that living Squishmallow

was gonna be competent for the first time in his life?

When he takes my job, they'll probably move me

to city planning, which we all know is

a never-ending argument about bike lanes.

Don't worry, Frank still has his coffee date,

and my man is great in the mornin'.

He wakes up just a chittering like a field mouse.

I'm not your man and don't lie.

6:00 to 8:00 PM is my golden hour.

Wait a minute.

Why don't I just invite Wayne over

for dinner and drinks at my place?

-[groans] -No...

Why are you doing that again?

'Cause you're a sad man with a sad house.

Wait, what if we could dilute the sadness with us?

We could throw a dinner party, sing Frank's praises,

and then maybe Wayne wouldn't even notice that you have

an entire room for your dog and your cat.

Mmm, I couldn't do tonight, 'cause Maya, she bullied me

into a double date with Victoria.

I'm doing that for ironic cosplay reasons,

so rolling that into a work thing kinda works.

[knocking]

[Dudge] What are you doing?

You guys plotting? You-you have plotting energy.

Somebody close the blinds right now.

Sorry.

And his name was Doctor Tarantula.

Cassie, this is Shred.

Oh, my God, he's so cute.

Ooh, the cat's not too bad either.

Don't worry, we've both been dewormed.

Oh, well, why don't I take this little fur baby so you two

can get going on your date?

Ooh, is it date time already?

Yay... go have fun, you two.

Ye- yes.

Okay. After you.

[Daisy] Ooh.

After you! I bet he's doing that so he can look at her butt.

Ah! Yeah. For sure, for sure.

You know, as long as you're matchmaking, feel free

to throw some strange my way.

Girl, they got apps for that.

Yeah.

So glad you could make it.

Figured you're on the road 300 days a year.

Home cooked meal,

toasty Italian red might be nice.

Yeah, my dinner was gonna be the cold bagels that I pocketed

from the Ramada, so. -Oh!

[all laughing]

Ramada.

-May I? -Please.

I am so glad this worked out.

I've been trying to get us all together for ages,

but Amit keeps telling me you're too busy.

No, he's totally right. We're crazy busy these days.

Um, candle shopping and Container Store and...

racing each other to finish the Wordle.

It was so hard today.

-It was. -[Patel] Not for her!

She got it in two guesses. Exile.

Oh, well, don't give 'em the answer!

What? Let me brag on you, baby.

-Oh, stop. -No, you stop.

-Stop. -You stop. You stop.

Stop. No, you stop.

You stop!

Are you as turned on as I am right now?

Stop it, I've got such a headache

from doing all that laundry.

Ooh, stop. We're getting there.

I'm exhausted.

[clinking]

If I may.

I just wanted to give a little toast.

And thank Frank for not only hosting this lovely dinner

for all of us, but also...

being one of the best officers I've ever known.

His courage, quick thinking, calm under pressure.

If I ever get that dreaded wolf in an orphanage phone call.

Frank's my guy. So.

To Frank.

-To Frank. -To Frank.

-To the big catch. -[Emily] Cheers.

-Stop, stop, stop. -He's the best.

Stop. Compliments make me uncomfortable.

Your co-workers have a lot of nice things to say about you.

Oh, well, wait till you meet Shred.

He has a bit of a partner crush on me. Where is he?

Oh, Shred is on a date, but he should be here soon.

And I mean, it's only been, um- oh, three hours.

Wow.

You know what we should do next time?

Taste of Seattle.

It's the last Sunday of every month.

And this month, the theme is cheese.

Yeah, but they only let you sample

three cheeses, and you guys probably have plans, so.

No, we'll be there. I'll bring my Lactaid.

See, babe, I told you they'd be into it.

[Patel] She did, she told me.

All right, couples selfie time. You ready?

I am extremely horny right now.

Your sensible sneakers are driving me absolutely insane.

Stop.

[Parker clears throat]

[Dudge] It's always good to be back at my old frat.

I noticed you guys are getting a little soft with your hazing.

When I was a freshman,

The senior brothers convinced me to get a tattoo

to match theirs.

Then theirs washed off.

Hey, remember you told me to follow Patel's wife's socials?

Well, it's finally paying off.

I got a discount at Madewell,

and I just found out that Frank is hosting a dinner party

with Wayne right now.

[Dudge] I knew it.

That was plotting energy.

I present... Salmon a la Shaw.

[Patel] Wow!

What's everyone else eating?

[all laughing]

So good.

[doorbell rings]

Oh! Uh, Shred's finally here.

[crowd cheers]

[Frat bro] There he is!

[loud cheering]

My lawn is a National Lampoon movie.

[chanting] Frank! Frank! Frank!

No! Get away!

This has Templeton's dandruff sprinkled all over it.

[party music thumping]

[indiscernible conversations]

That's Doc Whiskers'!

?

Throwing a rager on a Tuesday? I'm appalled, Frank.

I just rushed here from Bible studies as soon as I heard.

Save it, officer Dudge, I know you're responsible for this.

You told me you're a legacy member of this frat

when we were on our drive.

You even taught me the handshake!

He had to rush twice, he didn't get in his first semester.

'Cause it went with my mom the first time.

Frank put the bat in your pastry.

Okay, I guess I'm dealing with a couple pranksters here.

You're both missing the esprit de corps

that makes Animal Control special.

We put the animals before ourselves,

and you've both lost sight of that.

So, neither of you are getting my endorsement.

[Frank/Dudge] Wayne, please!

Do not drink outta that vase!

What are you doing? No!

-Hey! -Oh, my gosh, you're here.

-Thank God. -[Shred] Yeah.

Our plan to impress Wayne is a disaster.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

Coffee went long, and then we went to mini golf.

-It was a whole thing. -No, it's okay.

It doesn't matter. What matters is you're here now.

And so is Cassie.

Cassie's here.

Yeah. Frank texted while we were at the batting cages.

He said to come right away.

The batting cages?

I played softball in college.

At Princeton. She gets weird about it.

Just say you went there.

Why are you weird about it? It must be so nice

to be so pretty and smart and athletic.

Do you wanna get something to drink?

Um...

Emily, do you want anything?

No, thank you. I'm good. Just worry about your date.

-[Cassie giggles] -Okay.

Who would've thought that living out my worst nightmare

could be so hot?

Nightmare's a little strong.

They gave us the number for their gutter guy.

But, like, on a physical card.

Why do they have this?

Did they just ask him for extras?

I get that it's sad stuff, but is it?

I mean, I'm actually excited about Taste of Seattle.

Wait- are you still doing a bit?

-We're not going to that. -Why not?

Because we're not Maya and Patel.

Yeah, but would it be that bad if someday we were?

Okay, we're not the mom and dad types.

Okay, but this quarter-zip

has awoken something inside of me.

Like a... like a werewolf.

But with a mortgage and little league on the weekends.

Oh, um... yeah. I need some air.

[Parker] Babe, wait.

Wait, where does that leave us for the cheese thing?

[dance music plays]

- It's hot. - Back it up.

Back it up, back it up, back it up.

-What? What? -What?

Oh, wow. Okay.

Oh...

Love this song, too. It's so good.

[Emily] You can't help but dance.

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god, Cass. I'm so sorry.

That's so crazy that that happened.

Oh, it's... it's really- it's okay.

I have another shirt in my work bag.

-Okay. -She's a pediatric oncologist.

Ahh! You are?

Wow, you're saving the little ones.

That's outta sight.

Wow- I myself, I volunteer at a women's shelter, so.

-Saint Augustine's? -Uh-huh.

I'm there, like, four times a week.

Yeah, it has been a minute since I've been there.

I used to go Saturdays, but I found this one yoga class, so...

There's actually a guest bedroom upstairs

if you wanna change.

Yes! Yes, Shred.

But she doesn't know the house.

So, why don't you be a gentleman and show her

where the second bedroom is?

You know what? I'll take you.

-Oh, you're so sweet. -I gotcha.

-Yeah. -You remind me of my aunt.

Aww.

-Whoops. Gotcha again. -[Cassie] Oh!

Let's get you changed.

[TV Chef] ...remember your technique in slicing

into the onion making some level...

Sorry. Wrong room.

Okay. Yeah.

So, Shred seems great.

Yeah. Yeah. Shred, he's...

Not great. Nuh-uh.

He's-he's pretty problematic.

Yeah, he's a real hound dog.

He seemed so nice at the batting cages.

I'm sure he was. That's one of his moves though.

It's toxic respect. It's the new gaslighting.

-Is that a thing? -If I were you,

I would put on several layers of clothes, like...

just right now. -Yeah.

And maybe just, you know, leave without even saying goodbye.

-Yeah. -Let's just bundle you up and...

-No, that's a good idea. -And get you outta here.

-You know? -Thank you so much.

That award came with a $10,000 prize.

I was gonna travel to Turkey.

I assume for hair transplants and all the Botox

your brow can hold?

Lip filler.

You can't put a price on being a legend.

I was blinded by my hatred for you.

I lost sight of the animals.

[animal bellows]

[animal bellows]

Hey, look. I stole our mascot.

Free the humps!

[crowd cheers]

That's my big bro!

Not cool, Trey. Get off the camel!

Okay.

[animal bellows]

[crowd cheers] -Yeah!

[camera clicks]

?

[Frank] Flank him! I'll go left.

Hey, Siri, play My Humps by Fergie.

[Siri] Calling Mom.

No, don't call Mom. Play My Humps!

Hey. Cassie texted. She left the party.

-What? Oh... -Really?

I teed that up for you. She was perfect.

Smart, family money, tight little church body.

How tight was that body, Emily?

Honestly, very tight. Did you say family money?

Baby boy, what the hell happened?

She wasn't right for me.

Because...

I'm in love with someone else.

[heartfelt music plays]

Who is it?

I want names.

My ex.

Camila.

She's an Olympic snowboarder and I still have feelings.

Okay, I need some eyes on this ice queen.

Yeah.

Oh, you still have photos of her on your phone.

That's nice.

[Daisy] And she's an Olympian?

Oh, you're not getting any better than this.

Come on, let's go get a drink,

and we can game-plan on how we're gonna get her back.

Okay.

-[Shred] 'Kay. -Go do that.

- Yeah. - Go get her back.

-Hey. -Hey.

Sorry I sort of freaked out.

You caught me off guard.

I think I caught myself off guard, too.

Do you really want all that stuff?

Kids. House.

A belt that's not rope.

I've been a drifter all my life.

And tonight I got a preview of what it would be like

to settle down with a girl that I really like.

And I really liked it.

Hmm.

See...

That scares me,

because I don't want those things.

Damn.

Damn.

I don't want to stand in the way of you

chasing what you want.

So, what does that mean, are we breaking up?

I think we are.

Make way for the dromedary!

Listen up, all you Aidan, Brayden, Caden, Jadens and Noahs.

This thing has a 15-foot spit radius.

That's a 30-foot diameter.

Math major, bitches.

[crowd cheers]

So, now would probably be a good time to tell you

I have a bit of a jealousy problem.

-Yeah. -Mm-hmm.

Yeah, you really scared the crap outta that poor girl.

I know. I had to, though, because no one told me

she was this athletic doctor with generational wealth

who saves sick kids and is also, like, super hot.

Yeah, but that's not what I want.

I want you.

Whoa.

No! No.

-You're hot. -Okay.

Obviously, you're like this incredible boss that works

with disadvantaged women

when it works with her yoga schedule.

Shut up!

And that's what I like.

So...

You're in love with someone?

I did say that, didn't I?

Might I ask who? Or...

Well. Enjoy this.

It'll be the last time I offer you a drink

that doesn't require an antidote.

That might be the first ever dual scooter

frat party camel rescue.

Too bad Wayne wasn't here to see it.

He saw everything, brah.

You two put your petty squabbles aside,

and you put the animals first.

And that is what this award is all about.

You both get my endorsement to be in the final 10 nominees.

-Congratulations. -Sir.

Thanks.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to be in Boise

in the morning, or should I say, a vending machine guy

named Rocko does.

We did it! We're back in the game.

You know, and for those ten minutes,

I didn't abhor your presence.

Samezies.

You know, it's nice seeing you two work together.

Maybe we can bring that energy back to the precinct?

Hey, Trey. Celebratory keg stand.

I want a brother on every limb.

[Dudge] Let's do it, boys.

[crowd chants] T-Bag! T-Bag!

Bury that man.

Oh, he's already dead.

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