Original subtitles

Let's begin with the Supreme Court. The

Let's begin with the Supreme Court. The

Let's begin with the Supreme Court. The people have ruined more women's lives

people have ruined more women's lives

people have ruined more women's lives than eyebrow plucking. Today, they took

than eyebrow plucking. Today, they took

than eyebrow plucking. Today, they took on a historic case to decide whether

on a historic case to decide whether

on a historic case to decide whether every child born in the United States is

every child born in the United States is

every child born in the United States is automatically an American citizen, even

automatically an American citizen, even

automatically an American citizen, even kids with annoying names like Grayson or

kids with annoying names like Grayson or

kids with annoying names like Grayson or Porttoella. And it's it's a very tricky

Porttoella. And it's it's a very tricky

Porttoella. And it's it's a very tricky question because on the one hand, it's

question because on the one hand, it's

question because on the one hand, it's been enshrined in the Constitution for

been enshrined in the Constitution for

been enshrined in the Constitution for 125 years, but on the other hand, Donald

125 years, but on the other hand, Donald

125 years, but on the other hand, Donald Trump doesn't like it. So, scales of

Trump doesn't like it. So, scales of

Trump doesn't like it. So, scales of justice

justice

justice and Trump is taking this case very

and Trump is taking this case very

and Trump is taking this case very personally.

personally.

personally. >> I'm outside of the Supreme Court in

>> I'm outside of the Supreme Court in

>> I'm outside of the Supreme Court in Washington where President Trump has

Washington where President Trump has

Washington where President Trump has become the first sitting president to

become the first sitting president to

become the first sitting president to attend oral arguments at the Supreme

attend oral arguments at the Supreme

attend oral arguments at the Supreme Court.

Court.

Court. >> Well, that makes sense. Trump heard

>> Well, that makes sense. Trump heard

>> Well, that makes sense. Trump heard they'd be doing oral and was like, I'm

they'd be doing oral and was like, I'm

they'd be doing oral and was like, I'm in.

Or or maybe he was just hoping to

Or or maybe he was just hoping to

Or or maybe he was just hoping to influence the justices. He's doing this

influence the justices. He's doing this

influence the justices. He's doing this thing with John Roberts or this thing to

thing with John Roberts or this thing to

thing with John Roberts or this thing to Clarence Thomas.

Clarence Thomas.

Clarence Thomas. Unfortunately for Trump, he's not a

Unfortunately for Trump, he's not a

Unfortunately for Trump, he's not a great legal scholar. So he probably

great legal scholar. So he probably

great legal scholar. So he probably thought a Supreme Court argument was

thought a Supreme Court argument was

thought a Supreme Court argument was going to be like this.

going to be like this.

going to be like this. >> I WANT THE TRUTH. YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE

>> I WANT THE TRUTH. YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE

>> I WANT THE TRUTH. YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH.

TRUTH.

TRUTH. >> When actually it was more like this. Is

>> When actually it was more like this. Is

>> When actually it was more like this. Is the application of that general rule

the application of that general rule

the application of that general rule limited only to the situations that they

limited only to the situations that they

limited only to the situations that they had in mind when they adopted the

had in mind when they adopted the

had in mind when they adopted the general rule? Or do we say they adopted

general rule? Or do we say they adopted

general rule? Or do we say they adopted a general rule, they meant for that to

a general rule, they meant for that to

a general rule, they meant for that to apply to later applications that might

apply to later applications that might

apply to later applications that might come up?

come up?

come up? >> Okay, there is no way Donald Trump was

>> Okay, there is no way Donald Trump was

>> Okay, there is no way Donald Trump was still awake at that point.

still awake at that point.

still awake at that point. Isn't this

Isn't this

Isn't this No way.

No way.

No way. I mean, isn't this a guy who fell asleep

I mean, isn't this a guy who fell asleep

I mean, isn't this a guy who fell asleep at his own criminal trial? Now, if

at his own criminal trial? Now, if

at his own criminal trial? Now, if you're wondering why birthright

you're wondering why birthright

you're wondering why birthright citizenship is such a big problem for

citizenship is such a big problem for

citizenship is such a big problem for Trump, yesterday, he explained that it's

Trump, yesterday, he explained that it's

Trump, yesterday, he explained that it's all about devious people exploiting it

all about devious people exploiting it

all about devious people exploiting it as a loophole.

as a loophole.

as a loophole. >> Chinese billionaires who are

>> Chinese billionaires who are

>> Chinese billionaires who are billionaires from other countries who

billionaires from other countries who

billionaires from other countries who all of a sudden have 75 children or 59

all of a sudden have 75 children or 59

all of a sudden have 75 children or 59 children in one case or 10 children

children in one case or 10 children

children in one case or 10 children becoming American citizens.

becoming American citizens.

becoming American citizens. Okay, big difference between 75 and 10.

Okay, big difference between 75 and 10.

Okay, big difference between 75 and 10. 10 is Mormon. 75 is a spider.

10 is Mormon. 75 is a spider.

10 is Mormon. 75 is a spider. Also, counter point. Have you seen

Also, counter point. Have you seen

Also, counter point. Have you seen America's test scores? We need as many

America's test scores? We need as many

America's test scores? We need as many Chinese kids as we can get.

Bring them on.

Bring them on.

Bring them on. Got to cheat off someone. But that's

Got to cheat off someone. But that's

Got to cheat off someone. But that's actually a fair point. Okay. Foreign

actually a fair point. Okay. Foreign

actually a fair point. Okay. Foreign billionaires shouldn't be able to just

billionaires shouldn't be able to just

billionaires shouldn't be able to just buy their way into citizenship. Finally,

buy their way into citizenship. Finally,

buy their way into citizenship. Finally, we agree on something.

we agree on something.

we agree on something. >> For $5 million, this could be yours.

>> For $5 million, this could be yours.

>> For $5 million, this could be yours. >> A gold card. For $5 million, you buy a

>> A gold card. For $5 million, you buy a

>> A gold card. For $5 million, you buy a path to citizenship in this country.

path to citizenship in this country.

path to citizenship in this country. >> See,

>> See,

>> See, that's weird. So, Trump says he opposes

that's weird. So, Trump says he opposes

that's weird. So, Trump says he opposes birthright citizenship because he

birthright citizenship because he

birthright citizenship because he doesn't want rich people to buy their

doesn't want rich people to buy their

doesn't want rich people to buy their way into America, but at the same time,

way into America, but at the same time,

way into America, but at the same time, he wants rich people to buy their way

he wants rich people to buy their way

he wants rich people to buy their way into America.

into America.

into America. It's almost as if he's bringing up

It's almost as if he's bringing up

It's almost as if he's bringing up billionaires for a completely

billionaires for a completely

billionaires for a completely disingenuous reason and there's some

disingenuous reason and there's some

disingenuous reason and there's some other group of people that he wants to

other group of people that he wants to

other group of people that he wants to stop from becoming citizens. Gosh, what

stop from becoming citizens. Gosh, what

stop from becoming citizens. Gosh, what group am I thinking of?

Sorry, that was just my reminder to turn

Sorry, that was just my reminder to turn

Sorry, that was just my reminder to turn my ringer off.

my ringer off.

my ringer off. Anyway, I guess we'll never know. But

Anyway, I guess we'll never know. But

Anyway, I guess we'll never know. But let's move on from birthright

let's move on from birthright

let's move on from birthright citizenship because the president has

citizenship because the president has

citizenship because the president has another court case to worry about.

another court case to worry about.

another court case to worry about. >> Tonight, a federal judge putting the

>> Tonight, a federal judge putting the

>> Tonight, a federal judge putting the brakes on construction of President

brakes on construction of President

brakes on construction of President Trump's $400 million ballroom, declaring

Trump's $400 million ballroom, declaring

Trump's $400 million ballroom, declaring the president of the United States is

the president of the United States is

the president of the United States is the steward of the White House for

the steward of the White House for

the steward of the White House for future generations of first families. He

future generations of first families. He

future generations of first families. He is not, however, the owner.

is not, however, the owner.

is not, however, the owner. >> It was a 35page ruling and it was quite

>> It was a 35page ruling and it was quite

>> It was a 35page ruling and it was quite extraordinary in its writing. It had 19

extraordinary in its writing. It had 19

extraordinary in its writing. It had 19 exclamation points.

19 exclamation points. Who is the judge?

19 exclamation points. Who is the judge?

19 exclamation points. Who is the judge? Me writing a work email.

Me writing a work email.

Me writing a work email. The court demands an immediate halt in

The court demands an immediate halt in

The court demands an immediate halt in construction. But no worries if not

construction. But no worries if not

construction. But no worries if not exclamation point. Sideways smiley face.

exclamation point. Sideways smiley face.

exclamation point. Sideways smiley face. I'm sorry, Donald Trump. It looks like

I'm sorry, Donald Trump. It looks like

I'm sorry, Donald Trump. It looks like your precious ballroom is over. There is

your precious ballroom is over. There is

your precious ballroom is over. There is no way around this. No loopholes here.

no way around this. No loopholes here.

no way around this. No loopholes here. >> The judge does allow that they can

>> The judge does allow that they can

>> The judge does allow that they can finish up projects so that they don't

finish up projects so that they don't

finish up projects so that they don't leave the site unsafe.

leave the site unsafe.

leave the site unsafe. >> Oh, well, sure. Yeah, of course you have

>> Oh, well, sure. Yeah, of course you have

>> Oh, well, sure. Yeah, of course you have to patch up the site to make it safe. I

to patch up the site to make it safe. I

to patch up the site to make it safe. I mean, what if Christine Gnome's husband

mean, what if Christine Gnome's husband

mean, what if Christine Gnome's husband tripped and fell and popped his enormous

tripped and fell and popped his enormous

tripped and fell and popped his enormous kitty?

Very dangerous.

But aside from that tiny safety

But aside from that tiny safety

But aside from that tiny safety loophole, the judge was clear. You are

loophole, the judge was clear. You are

loophole, the judge was clear. You are not allowed to build the ballroom. It's

not allowed to build the ballroom. It's

not allowed to build the ballroom. It's over. Even you can't talk your way into

over. Even you can't talk your way into

over. Even you can't talk your way into saying that this is somehow a positive

saying that this is somehow a positive

saying that this is somehow a positive for you.

for you.

for you. >> This is positive for us. I'm allowed

>> This is positive for us. I'm allowed

>> This is positive for us. I'm allowed that meaning we are allowed to continue

that meaning we are allowed to continue

that meaning we are allowed to continue building as necessary

building as necessary

building as necessary to let's see

to let's see

to let's see what is that to cover the safety and

what is that to cover the safety and

what is that to cover the safety and security of the white house and its

security of the white house and its

security of the white house and its ground. So it says here very carefully

ground. So it says here very carefully

ground. So it says here very carefully the safety and security have to be

the safety and security have to be

the safety and security have to be protected of the White House grounds.

protected of the White House grounds.

protected of the White House grounds. Well, that's what we're doing because

Well, that's what we're doing because

Well, that's what we're doing because everything's bulletproof glass, etc.,

everything's bulletproof glass, etc.,

everything's bulletproof glass, etc., etc., including the ballroom.

>> Son of a The judge said no

>> Son of a The judge said no

>> Son of a The judge said no ballroom and President Amelia Bedilia

ballroom and President Amelia Bedilia

ballroom and President Amelia Bedilia took that to mean the judge is begging

took that to mean the judge is begging

took that to mean the judge is begging us to build that ballroom. By the way,

us to build that ballroom. By the way,

us to build that ballroom. By the way, bulletproof, etc., etc. What was the

bulletproof, etc., etc. What was the

bulletproof, etc., etc. What was the etc?

etc?

etc? >> It's bulletproof and it's ballistic

>> It's bulletproof and it's ballistic

>> It's bulletproof and it's ballistic proof. The roof is drone proof. We have

proof. The roof is drone proof. We have

proof. The roof is drone proof. We have secure air handling systems. We have a

secure air handling systems. We have a

secure air handling systems. We have a hospital and very major medical

hospital and very major medical

hospital and very major medical facilities. We have bio defense. We have

facilities. We have bio defense. We have

facilities. We have bio defense. We have bomb shelters.

bomb shelters.

bomb shelters. Okay, this is intense for a ballroom.

Okay, this is intense for a ballroom.

Okay, this is intense for a ballroom. Might might I suggest if the ballroom

Might might I suggest if the ballroom

Might might I suggest if the ballroom starts experiencing ballistic assault,

starts experiencing ballistic assault,

starts experiencing ballistic assault, maybe we just cancel the ball.

maybe we just cancel the ball.

maybe we just cancel the ball. No worries if not. Exclamation point.

No worries if not. Exclamation point.

No worries if not. Exclamation point. HUG EMOJI.

THE WORST PART OF ALL this is that this

THE WORST PART OF ALL this is that this

THE WORST PART OF ALL this is that this ballroom isn't even his only DIY

ballroom isn't even his only DIY

ballroom isn't even his only DIY project. He's also starting a new one in

project. He's also starting a new one in

project. He's also starting a new one in Florida.

Florida.

Florida. >> We're getting our first look at what

>> We're getting our first look at what

>> We're getting our first look at what President Trump's presidential library

President Trump's presidential library

President Trump's presidential library could look like. The president posted

could look like. The president posted

could look like. The president posted the video on social media showing

the video on social media showing

the video on social media showing renderings of a skyscraper in Miami with

renderings of a skyscraper in Miami with

renderings of a skyscraper in Miami with no surprise Trump's name on it.

interesting library. Has Donald Trump

interesting library. Has Donald Trump

interesting library. Has Donald Trump ever seen a library before? Because this

ever seen a library before? Because this

ever seen a library before? Because this just looks like one of his hotels, but

just looks like one of his hotels, but

just looks like one of his hotels, but it's his library, right? Not a hotel.

it's his library, right? Not a hotel.

it's his library, right? Not a hotel. >> It's going to be most likely a hotel.

>> It's going to be most likely a hotel.

>> It's going to be most likely a hotel. Could be office, but it's most likely

Could be office, but it's most likely

Could be office, but it's most likely going to be a hotel.

going to be a hotel.

going to be a hotel. >> What a fitting monument to President

>> What a fitting monument to President

>> What a fitting monument to President Trump. A hotel parading as a

Trump. A hotel parading as a

Trump. A hotel parading as a presidential library where you can honor

presidential library where you can honor

presidential library where you can honor his legacy by cheating on your wife in

his legacy by cheating on your wife in

his legacy by cheating on your wife in the Ashley Madison suite.

the Ashley Madison suite.

the Ashley Madison suite. Guess what?

Guess what?

Guess what? All the sweets are Ashley Madison.

Like, I know I know Trump doesn't do

Like, I know I know Trump doesn't do

Like, I know I know Trump doesn't do anything in the traditional way, whether

anything in the traditional way, whether

anything in the traditional way, whether it's governing or standing, but

it's governing or standing, but

it's governing or standing, but Trump,

Trump,

Trump, >> don't you want that classic presidential

>> don't you want that classic presidential

>> don't you want that classic presidential library or museum?

library or museum?

library or museum? >> I don't believe in building libraries or

>> I don't believe in building libraries or

>> I don't believe in building libraries or museums.

Reminder, this is him announcing that he

Reminder, this is him announcing that he

Reminder, this is him announcing that he is building a library and museums and

is building a library and museums and

is building a library and museums and he's like, "I don't trust museums. All

he's like, "I don't trust museums. All

he's like, "I don't trust museums. All the little guys come to life at night

the little guys come to life at night

the little guys come to life at night and make you learn history."

Honestly, honestly, this sounds like one

Honestly, honestly, this sounds like one

Honestly, honestly, this sounds like one of the worst ideas Trump has ever had,

of the worst ideas Trump has ever had,

of the worst ideas Trump has ever had, which is not very easy. I mean, I can't

which is not very easy. I mean, I can't

which is not very easy. I mean, I can't think of a single good thing about this

think of a single good thing about this

think of a single good thing about this building. I wouldn't start until I'm out

building. I wouldn't start until I'm out

building. I wouldn't start until I'm out of office.

>> Wait, you wouldn't start until you're

>> Wait, you wouldn't start until you're

>> Wait, you wouldn't start until you're out of office?

Mr. President, we need this library that

Mr. President, we need this library that

Mr. President, we need this library that is mostly a hotel as soon as possible.

You should leave office and start

You should leave office and start

You should leave office and start building it right now. We can't wait a

building it right now. We can't wait a

building it right now. We can't wait a second longer. IN FACT, YOU MIGHT

you might even need help. Bring JD with

you might even need help. Bring JD with

you might even need help. Bring JD with you. He can supervise. And yes, yes, we

you. He can supervise. And yes, yes, we

you. He can supervise. And yes, yes, we are losing your administration, but we

are losing your administration, but we

are losing your administration, but we are gaining so much more in hotel bra.

No worries if not. Fingers crossed.

No worries if not. Fingers crossed.

No worries if not. Fingers crossed. emoji.

But the Trump Hotel is still just a

But the Trump Hotel is still just a

But the Trump Hotel is still just a twinkle in Trump's eye. For now, his

twinkle in Trump's eye. For now, his

twinkle in Trump's eye. For now, his main focus is on that ballroom if he can

main focus is on that ballroom if he can

main focus is on that ballroom if he can overcome all the legal obstacles. But

overcome all the legal obstacles. But

overcome all the legal obstacles. But good news, help may be on the way.

good news, help may be on the way.

good news, help may be on the way. >> Has this ever happened to you? You

>> Has this ever happened to you? You

>> Has this ever happened to you? You smashed up the east wing of a historic

smashed up the east wing of a historic

smashed up the east wing of a historic building and started building a ballroom

building and started building a ballroom

building and started building a ballroom no one asked for because you really like

no one asked for because you really like

no one asked for because you really like having balls and you need a ballroom to

having balls and you need a ballroom to

having balls and you need a ballroom to room your ball. Then you need ball and

room your ball. Then you need ball and

room your ball. Then you need ball and ball law. I dedicated my career to

ball law. I dedicated my career to

ball law. I dedicated my career to ballroom law. That was a mistake. But

ballroom law. That was a mistake. But

ballroom law. That was a mistake. But don't let my poor career choices stop

don't let my poor career choices stop

don't let my poor career choices stop you from getting justice. This is

you from getting justice. This is

you from getting justice. This is America. You have the right to demolish

America. You have the right to demolish

America. You have the right to demolish anything you want and build a ballroom

anything you want and build a ballroom

anything you want and build a ballroom in its place. Who's to say the Statue of

in its place. Who's to say the Statue of

in its place. Who's to say the Statue of Liberty shouldn't be the ballroom of

Liberty shouldn't be the ballroom of

Liberty shouldn't be the ballroom of liberty? Mount Rushmore. More like Mount

liberty? Mount Rushmore. More like Mount

liberty? Mount Rushmore. More like Mount Ballroom. Goodbye, Baltimore. Hello,

Ballroom. Goodbye, Baltimore. Hello,

Ballroom. Goodbye, Baltimore. Hello, Ballroom Tamar. You need us and we need

Ballroom Tamar. You need us and we need

Ballroom Tamar. You need us and we need this case. Please, I have so much debt.

this case. Please, I have so much debt.

this case. Please, I have so much debt. Ballroom Law School is is like 10 times

Ballroom Law School is is like 10 times

Ballroom Law School is is like 10 times the cost of regular law school. Because

the cost of regular law school. Because

the cost of regular law school. Because every classroom is a ballroom.

every classroom is a ballroom.

every classroom is a ballroom. >> Why?

>> Why?

>> Why? >> Call 1800 Ballroom today. If you're a

>> Call 1800 Ballroom today. If you're a

>> Call 1800 Ballroom today. If you're a debt collector, I'm not here right now.