All language subtitles for Touch.Me.2025.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-BobDobbs

I want you to tell me a story...

but not a real story.

Altered. Ridiculous.
Fantastical.

It's called immersion therapy.

We use it with people who are
suffering from OCD and PTSD.

If you consistently confront
what happened to you

in funny and crazy ways,
when it comes up again,

you're less likely to panic about it.

It's 5:27 a.m.
I remember 'cause

I hated working at Starbucks

and I looked at the clock every 2 minutes

begging for my shift to end,

or for a robber to come in
and blow my brains out.

It was weird.

There was no one in the store
that morning, which I mean,

it was before the morning
rush, but there's usually

like 1 or 2 people, and in comes this guy

in a deep-purple tracksuit
looking like some

Eastern-European gangster.

It was raining, not pouring...

Just enough water to make
his hair like the good

kind of wet, you know.

And he had, like, this perpetual

5:00 shadow thing
going on.

And I could tell that his
mind was somewhere else.

So I ask him, "Is there a
jewelry convention in town?"

And he was like, "What? No."
And I'm like, "Oh, OK."

And then he's like,
"Can I get a black coffee?"

And I'm like, "OK."

So, I get him his black
coffee, and he's like,

"Why did you ask me about
the jewelry thing?"

And I'm like,
"Because of your tracksuit."

And he's like, "Oh, I'm on
my way to a hip-hop class."

And I'm like,
"That's not a real thing."

And he's like, "OK."
And he pays and he leaves.

So, I finish my shift and I
go home and I take a nap

before my catering job that night.

I was bartending at this,
like, old boys club event...

I don't know. Something
to do with cigars.

And lo and behold...
there's this same guy,

emerald-green tracksuit
this time with, like,

a dress shirt and tie, and I'm like,

"This dude's
a fucking alien."

So, I tell him that. I'm like,
"Hey, you're an alien."

And he's like,
"How did you know?"

And I'm like,
"Your tracksuit, buddy."

And he's like, "OK, but
you can't tell anyone else."

If you do, I'll have to
fuck, eat, and kill you."

And I'm like, "Well,
that's really specific."

And he laughs,
and he's like, "Yeah."

And he orders a whiskey
and he pays and he leaves,

says good night, and then later on,

while I'm cleaning up, he
comes up to me and he's like,

"Hey, can I get one more?"

And I'm like, "No, sorry,
it's illegal."

And he's like, "Well,
do you know where else"

I can get a drink?"
And I'm like,

"There's like 4 bars
on this street, dude."

And he's like, "Come with me."

And I'm like,
"No, you're an alien."

And he's like, "Yeah, but I'm an alien"

who wants to save the world."
And I'm like, "From what?"

And he's like,
"Climate change."

And I'm like, "How?"

And he's like, "I have
these seeds on my ship."

"And the trees grow into these
like beautiful, multicolored,

glowing masterpieces."

And I'm like, "Whoa!"

And he's like, "Yeah,
they suck a hundred times"

more CO2 than Earth trees do."

And I'm like,
"That's impressive."

And he's like, "Yeah,
do you want to hear more?"

And I don't know,
maybe it's because I do care

a lot about climate change.

Or maybe his smile was
actually cute, or maybe

I was just bored and 27
and working two dead-end jobs

because I couldn't afford
an actual unpaid internship

at a real newspaper.
I don't know,

Whatever the reason was,
I said, you know, I was like,

"Fuck it. Yeah, let's drink."

So, we go and we drink and we talk,

and he tells me about
his home world and how it

got destroyed by all these
excess greenhouse gases

and his whole family was murdered

and the government didn't
do anything about it

till it was too late.

And he wanted to honor them by
saving other people's planets.

So he had just gotten to Earth
and he was living at this

compound out in the hills,

and he asked me to go out there with him.

And I was like,
"Absolutely not."

And he's like,
"I won't do anything."

And I was like,
"No, you're an alien."

And he's like, "Yeah, but do
you believe I'm an alien?"

And I'm like, "Do you really
want me to answer that?"

And then out of his index finger

came this little tentacle.

And it slithered across the
table and it gently wrapped

itself around my wrist.

And then a faint glow
started on the tentacle,

and it started at his fingertip

and went over to mine.

And when it reached me,
all my anxiety went away.

Like, there is nothing in my head,

not a single bad thought.

Just felt like my entire body was, like,

full of this warm, glowing sunlight.

And he tells me everything is gonna be OK.

So I take a second, I sip
my drink, and then I say,

"Fuck it. Take me."

And so he takes me
and he shows me these trees.

And I'm like,
"Jesus, these trees."

Fuck. There's like nothing
cooler in life

than, like, seeing shit glow
that shouldn't be glowing.

So, yeah, "I fucked an alien,
an alien named Brian."

I mean, that wasn't his real name.

He got it out of a baby book.

He never actually told me his real name.

We, uh... we fucked under
the glowing trees because,

like, what else are you
supposed to do, you know?

I felt like a girl in one of
those hentai porns, you know?

He lifted me up in the air,
and all these tentacles

wrapped around me, and it was pure bliss.

And I didn't leave. He had
this assistant... Laura.

She was a human, and she, like, helped him

with all the trees,
like harvesting and packaging

and sending them off to
anybody who placed an order.

I also... I sent a vague
text to Craig letting him know

I'd be, like, hanging
elsewhere for a while,

which he was baffled by, but it was OK.

It's fine because, like,
I was basically addicted

to the drug, like the alien sex drug,

which again, also sexy alien.

Also, he cared about climate change.

Also, I... I had no money.

I was in massive amounts
of student debt, and he

promised he'd pay it off,
which he never did.

But yeah...

we didn't get much
further because he'd never

had sex with a human before.

So, there was like a bit of
a learning curve, which...

Um, Laura made us dinner,

and then we got drunk, like we always did.

And he was wearing a powder-blue tracksuit

that night.

It looked good.

Um, I don't know,
maybe that was the moment

where I should have noticed
how much we were drinking,

like, always, but, I mean, he was fun,

and I wasn't anxious,

and I don't know,
but we started having sex.

And, I don't know, he must
have gotten too drunk because

it got a little aggressive...
Not, like, violent,

but like hot, like temperature hot.

Like my... my whole body
was on fire,

and I asked him to stop,
but he wouldn't listen.

And then, like, my face started to sweat

and it was turning red
and it started to glow.

And I was... I yelled at him to
stop, but... 'cause my head

was pounding... my head,
it was like...

Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump.

And I felt like this...
The blood was like

swelling into my brain.

And I asked him... I was
yelling at him, "Stop!"

And he... he must not have
heard me. I don't know.

And it felt like at any moment

my body was just gonna pop like a balloon.

And I just kept yelling,
"Stop, stop, stop!"

And then at the last possible
moment, when it felt like

my head was gonna, like,
explode like a watermelon,

he came. Hmm.

And when reality set in,

he asked me if something
was wrong, and I said, "Nope."

And then he fell asleep and I ran.

I packed up my shit, and I
ran all the way from his house

to Craig's front door.
And I don't know, I mean,

I must have blacked out or
something because he found me

bloody-footed and covered
in dirt... Craig, that is.

And, um, he never asked me any questions,

and I've been living with him ever since.

How was that?

"Excuse me. I'm an apple."

She cured?

Yes. No more mental illness.

"I'm a funny dog."

You'll never be fluent in Japanese.

Yes. Thank you.
Tell me that I can't do it.

It feeds my fire.
It feeds me!

Thank you for paying for that

and, you know, everything else.

Yeah. Well, just tell
me that I'm a good person

and nobody hates me whenever I ask,

and I'll shower you with
all my family's money.

By the way, I'm having a good Grindr date

come over tonight.

And I kind of told him that I live alone.

So, I kind of need you to
go into your room

and stay there with all the
lights off and make

no sound when he comes over.

Aah!

Lights out, bitch!

Hey, man, what's going
on? Yeah. No.

Why? What the fuck?

I said mask only, dude.

Please don't tickle me with a used dildo.

Then stop being sad.
- Joey.

I'm not Joey.
I'm Werewolf Dildo Monster.

Werewolf Dildo Monster,
I'm not in the mood.

But tickles from used dildo

make the sadness go away.

Oh, I'd rather spiral about
how gay and unlikable I am.

But you're hot and talented,

and no one hates you.

You're only saying that
because I told you to.

Yes.
- Joey.

Joey! Joey, don't!

Don't! Joey!

Joey. Your queef juice
is everywhere!

Queefs can't have juice.
They're made of air.

If farts can be wet,
then queefs can be wet.

Stop being sad.
- Never!

Not on my face! God.

I think it's important for our friendship

to acknowledge that that was,
in fact, not a used dildo,

but brand-new out of the box.

Would you like some alcohol?

Joey, on recording:
My name is Joey,

and I think Taylor Swift is mid.

She is mid.

Blaspheme!

Wait, aren't you like, shocked that I can

make you say that?

Apps that deepfake voices

have been around a long time.

Uh, right.

Oh, my God, I'm so fucking sad and fat.

I just want to die.
Don't ever leave me, OK?

Where would I even go?

Man, on TV:
We'll be right back.

Are you healed?

God, I miss you.

Your beguiling face has
never left my mind.

Craig! Craig!

Thank God you're here.

Why does it smell like horseshit?

Because horseshit is
spewing in the fucking shower!

Oh, my God!

OK, well, thank you
so much. Bye.

OK, I just got off the phone
with them, and they said

that it's gonna cost, like,
10 grand minimum to fix,

and, like, I don't have that
kind of money.

Um...
- Yeah.

Can you just ask your
family for more money?

No, 'cause monthly
stipend. And I've kind of been

maybe a little bit totally
irresponsible with finances.

I may only have, like,
$500 in my checking account,

which is fine, Joey, because fucking Amex.

But he needs cash, and I don't have cash.

Can you ask for a cash advance?

No, I'm maxed out.
- Craig.

I know, I know, I know!
I'm fucking terrible.

I'm fucking awful.
Joey, I'm 32 and I can't

fucking handle money.
Do you have any money?

Craig.
- God, fuck, I know.

Anything you can pawn?
- Craig.

Right. Damn it! Fuck!
I just...

Joey, I just, like, don't know what to do!

I mean, I guess...
I guess I could get a job.

Oh, my God. Like,
could you really? For real?

I mean, I saw a "Help Wanted" sign

at the Coffee Roasters.

Oh, thank God. We're safe.

That's not gonna get us
10 grand, you idiot.

Right. OK, well,
can you maybe, like, um,

like, I don't know, like,
sell your computer?

Or you could get a job.
- Doing what, Joey?

I have a degree in philosophy.

The only job that I had was that 6 months

where I walked dogs
for that evil fucking lesbian.

Craig!
- Fuck!

OK, game plan.
You try to get a job,

I'm gonna try and get
more money for my family.

And then, like, if that fucking fails,

I will just try to get
a job or I'll kill myself.

Oh, God. It still smells like
absolute shit in here.

Girl, I know. Here.
- What is this?

Silence of the Lambs cream.

Ooh! It actually works.
- Yeah. Your girl is scrappy.

I got the job.

Oh, my God, that's great news.

And guess what.
I called my dad,

and he said that he'd
give me 5 grand if I went to

the next family reunion.
So, between that and your job,

I think that we could have it
in, like, a month or two.

Look at us.
- We did it.

We solved our financial crisis.

Huzzah!
How do you want to celebrate?

How about cigarettes?
- I can Uber Eats us some.

Maybe the shit water
is a sign we should change.

Well, you got a job,
so that's progress, right?

Whatever happened to your
Japanese interpreter dreams?

Don't want to talk about that.
I want cigarettes.

I so want to be
an investigative journalist

for the "New York Times."

That's impossible.
- Don't be a bitch.

You're the one making me feel bad

about not being more
successful. My trauma was...

Oh, my trauma. My trauma,
my trauma. We get it.

You've been through some heinous shit.

Don't you want to move on?

What, like you moved on from yours?

I started therapy.
- Yeah, on my dime, bitch.

Oh, fuck me! My streak!

You're being insensitive.

Honey, just accept it.
We're fucking trash pandas.

Sorry, not sorry.

Woman, muffled voice:
Excuse me.

Excuse me!

Oh, sorry, I didn't hear you.

How could you not hear
me? I'm 2 feet away from you!

How can I help you?

I asked for an iced

no iced latte with oat milk.
This is whole milk.

So sorry about that.

But I also made that latte,
and I made it with oat milk.

No, you didn't.
It's whole milk.

I can taste the difference.

Do you want me to remake it for you?

Do I...

Excuse me, young lady!

Yeah, that's definitely oat milk.

No, it's not!
- Yes, it is. And the fact that

you can't tell the difference
is astounding, actually.

What's astounding is you just being

in a coffee shop on a Tuesday morning.

Don't you Gen Z work?

Hey, I get it.
You're divorced and your

15-year-old hates you,
and your new husband

is fucking a nanny,
and none of that is fixable.

So, you come down to
coffee shops and you make

workers feel bad just
because you have money.

You're not original, Karen.

You're just a sad fucking cliche.

Oh ho ho! Red wine! Red wine
at 10:00 in the morning!

Aah aah aah!

I never got the job.
I lied. I'm sorry.

I saw the sex tape.

It's weird.

I feel like these days
it's impossible to deny

the existence of aliens.

I just never thought
the way that I'd find out

would be live-action hentai.

I never called my dad.

I just, like, couldn't, you know.

So, it looks like we're
stuck with this situation

for the foreseeable future.

Brian invited us to his house,

his vacation home for the weekend.

Well, he invited me,

but I don't think he'll mind if you come.

Didn't he, like, really hurt you?

I mean, it looked like he did when you...

when you...

Yeah, but it was worth it.

"Be careful. It's hot."

"The queen loves clowns."

"Death is our fate."

"I want beer."

I do, though.

Let me do the talking.

Joey, distorted: Oh...

My lady. You are such
a prepossessing sight.

What in the Shakespeare does that mean?

You must be Craig.
A pleasure.

Welcome, you two.
Where are your bags?

Uh, they're out front.

Oh, but you don't have
to go to get them and...

That's what I pay her
the big bucks for, Craig.

Let her take your baggage.

I want to give you the grand tour.

'K.

Please don't come in here when I'm here.

Brian requests you wear
this dress for dinner,

but I see you've grown a little soft.

So why don't I let it out a little first?

Laura, thank you.
Can you please get out?

As you wish.
A little something.

I've told you not to Q-Tip, sweetie.

It's bad for your ears.

Now, before we enjoy this

extremely nutritious
and delicious sustenance

Laura spent hours making,

I can infer some tension
in the air, can't I?

It's all right. I know.

Craig told us all
about how you ended up here.

I'm sorry about your...
shit-smelling house.

We had to use Silence of the
Lambs cream and everything.

Ha! I don't know
what that means.

Anyway... Now, Craig,

it is true what Joey says.

I am an alien, and I suppose
I have the capability to...

let's say, be dangerous...

Something I vowed never to do.

So, in the effort to be fully transparent,

a little demonstration.

Ah! Oh my God.

Is that, like, alien serum or something?

It's sugar-free lemonade powder.

Turns out my species
is deathly allergic to it.

If you please.

Oww! Ooh...

Ooh!

Shit.

Now you know my weakness.
You'll find several syringes

underneath the sink filled
with it in case you need it.

Enjoy your salmon.
- He's fucking hot.

Laura is weird.
- She's fine.

Just always the bridesmaid, you know?

Yeah. Whatever.
To be that close to that

kind of gorgeousness.

I mean, the track suit thing

is a little weird, but it works.

I don't know.
It's just so hard to believe

he was so violent to you.

But I mean, you came back,

so it couldn't have been that bad.

Do you think he only likes
you 'cause you're pretty?

I mean, whatever.
Who the fuck cares if he does?

Because look at him.

Do you think you'll fuck him again?

I just might if you don't.

I can never tell when you're joking

or being serious.

Oh, my God!
I'm totally joking.

God, no.
I would for sure tell you

if I was being serious.

Plus, it's been so long, at this point,

I'm pretty sure my anus has dried up

and disappeared anyways.

Whoo! Ha ha ha!

Yeah, I'm a real-live fuck boy.

Ha ha!
- There was a moment

where, like, the energy was crackling,

and then, like, dolphin roll.
I did a dolphin roll?

That was... hey!

Why didn't you wake me?

Oh, we tried,
but you were snoring so deep.

We were just like, you know what?

She can get up whenever
she wants to. Right?

I didn't know you could dance.

Me either, but Brian was teaching me,

and like, I felt...
- Anybody can dance

if they work hard enough.

You may not get the moves
right away, but if you have

the soul, you'll get it.

I got the soul.
- Yes, you do.

I do it every morning as meditation.

You'd be surprised how much
better your day starts

when you dance it out.

Joey, do you want something to drink?

There'll be time for that later.

Now that you're awake,

it's time for me to help you,
to help us all.

If the three of you will come with me,

it's time to change your lives.

Though I do have a 1,048-day
streak on Duolingo,

so I might be being a little modest.

What?

I invite each of you to take a seat

in front of the chrysalis gigantum.

If everyone could take a deep breath.

And again.

The pollen from the trees
should be taking effect now.

Your anuses are open.
Excellent.

This chrysalis gigantum

is something I carried with
me from my home planet.

It's been gestating and growing in here

thanks to the trees.
And finally, it's ready to do

what it was meant to...

Heal.

As with anything in life, it isn't free.

The crystal requires an offering

in the form of your past hardship.

You must take a moment from your life,

say it out in the open,
and once that's done,

cut yourself with this knife,
drip some of your blood.

If you're telling the truth,
the blood will be absorbed.

If enough truth is laid out,

it will release a healing light.

At least it should.

I haven't actually tried this before.

So, who shall begin?

OK, I... I was molested
by my uncle.

Ah! Fuck!

You only have to cut
your finger for it to work.

Oh. Um...

Not to worry.

I'll heal you after the session.

So... who's next?

The more in-depth the story you tell,

the more energy you give it.

OK, I guess what
happened to me is kind of bad.

Um, so we used to have these
family reunions

on my mom's side and they were
like, these massive affairs,

like a lot of liquor, and my uncle would

always slip me some.

And he was like, the cool uncle.

Anyways, the first time that it happened,

I was trying to go to sleep.

And my door had a lock on it,
but you could pick it

with a screwdriver, and he did.

And he was barely
aware of his surroundings.

He stumbled and fell onto
my bed, crushing my body.

I was, like, 11 years old.
But he started snoring,

so I pushed him off and I fell asleep.

But then, the next family reunion...

he didn't stumble.
No.

He crawled on top of me deliberately,

and he started, um...

like, growling like a lion?

And then...

If you could?

Oh. Uh, yeah.

Yeah.

Joey?
- Um...

growing up, I was in and out
of five different foster homes

and I never had any good parental figures.

I had one good foster sister, Amy.

She was so nice.

Her mother died in childbirth,
but she always wore

her mother's necklace.

Mine just didn't want me, I guess.

One day, I asked to borrow the necklace,

and she almost said yes, but then said no,

and I got so upset that the next day,

I accused her of stealing
money, but they saw

right through me, and I got so embarrassed

that I lashed out and I bit her arm.

The next day, they sent me
to a different home...

and that memory still haunts me.

Quick, quick!
Everyone touch the crystal!

Don't you and Laura need to share more?

There'll be time for that later.

The glow is ready now.
Don't you want to feel better?

Enjoying yourself?

Get out!

If you break his heart again...

That's none of your business.

You think I don't see who you really are?

You use your traumatic childhood

as a pheromone to attract
all those stupid enough

to take care of you,
and then you suck 'em dry.

I see with Brian, and I see it with Craig.

Get the fuck out of my bathroom.

Now!

Get out!

Don't raise your voice at me, chica.

Craig!

I don't think you got deep enough

to get all the wax out.

Let me help you.
- Aah!

Where are Laura and Craig?

They're in their healing light.

So, still tripping balls?
- Bingo.

Laura may be a bitch sometimes,

but she sure knows how
to cook. Heh!

You shouldn't be too harsh on her.

She's... she's had a tough life.

Who hasn't?
- She was born into a cult.

It was small, on a farm.

Man was claiming to be the second coming,

but he was sleeping with all the women.

She ran away when she was 14.

She started traveling around,
looking for meaning,

but she kept getting it wrong.

New man of God, same fatal flaw.

She probably wouldn't

appreciate me telling you this.

What's that?

It was my mother's.

She gave it to me before she died.

You never told me what happened.

Well, after the fourth
quasar nexus, we knew

we could no longer stay in the city.

We had to find a more temperate climate,

but our military had taken
over the government.

Now, there were numerous checkpoints

set up to get out of the city.

We had to try.
It was our only option.

Miraculously,

we made it to just inside the city limits,

only one more checkpoint to go.

In case we were separated,

my mother, she kneeled down

and gave me this necklace
of our family crest.

She said if I revealed it
to certain people,

they'd take care of me.

As we were about to continue forward,

that's when we were ambushed.

They held her down, I had to watch

as they...

You've suffered so much.

What you said in the room...

you never told me that before.

I like to think it's behind me, but...

it's not.

Maybe I'm better for it.

You deserve a mother's necklace.

Even if it isn't yours.

Shall we have cross-species intercourse?

I haven't had intercourse, cross-species

or otherwise, since.

Oh. I understand.

It's all my fault.

I now know how scary it was
when I lost control.

But you have to know my touch
can only take you so far

into healing your wounds.

If you embrace me, fully,

we can make your mind go quiet forever.

Don't you want that?

Help!

Brian?

Joey?

Laura?

Hello?

Everything OK?

Joey?

Brian?

What are you doing here?

Jesus! Shitballs!

Fuck! You scared me.

Um...

I... I thought I heard screams.

Maybe it was the machinery
I use to water my plants?

I should lubricate it.

Gets rusty, unfortunately.

I've been lazy.

Oh, my God.
Well, I... I totally get that.

I... I get being lazy.
I'm a big...

lazy piece of shit.

No, you are not.

Well, no, I... I know.
I'm... it's just...

it's my sense of humor.

I'm not convinced calling yourself

a lazy piece of shit is humorous.

Oh. Yeah.

Um... OK.

Would do you like to have
cross-species intercourse

with me?

Uh, aren't you, like, with Joey?

What does that have to do
with what I asked?

I mean, yeah, you're...

you're really hot,
and so I wouldn't say...

Oh, my God.
Is this really happening?

Oh, my God.

I had sex with Brian last night.

I know.

It was bad before, I know, but I just...

I forgot how good it feels
to have his tentacles

on my skin.

My mind just went quiet.

For the first time in five years,

I was just quiet.

There's no sadness, no anxiety, just...

pure, unadulterated...
peace.

And I've been searching
for it for so long,

but I think it's changed now.
I can feel it.

I don't even feel like I need to vape.

Oh, my God, me, too.
Like, I know exactly

what you mean, like...
Like... the... the quiet.

I had a pleasant dream for the first time

in, like, a decade last night.
- Mm.

Was so tender and warm.

There was no shame.
It was just, like, light.

He made me feel so...

wanted.

You... you got all that
from crystal therapy?

Iko, iko, iko itte, kudasai!

Thank you so much for bringing me.

I never thought that I would
find happiness, but then...

I've never seen you wear
that necklace before.

Yeah, it was Brian's mother's.

So sweet, right?
- Oh...

He's waiting downstairs for us.

He's gonna give us therapy assignments.

Today, I want to separate you two.

Craig,

you have a journey outside,
coordinated by Laura.

But before we go,

Joey.

Excuse me.

I feel like I owe you an apology.

I know Brian told you

of the first commune I was a part of.

And while I was there, I was extremely

addicted to heroin.

I had a child.

There were no cribs.

We all slept in the same...

And during one of my, uh...

I...

rolled over on t...

Top of him and, uh...

His name was Peter.

That's what I would have shared

in the crystal room yesterday.

What color were Peter's eyes?

Brown.

Deep...

soulful...

tiny specks of gold.

I hope we all realize
what's happening here.

We don't have to live constrained by

the ideals of pain.

We can have freedom.

Craig, please follow Laura.

Craig, whispering: I was kinda
hoping we could do

that thing that...
Brian, scoffing: Later.

But, later, I promise.

Heh!

What was that about?

Doctor-patient privilege, my dear.

OK, but I thought there were
supposed to be no secrets.

If you'd be so kind, you need
to go to the crystal room.

You get it all to yourself.

OK, but before I go,
do you think you could just...

I'm feeling a little anxious.

The crystal will help.

And tonight, I'll help even more.

Craig doesn't know what
happened to me. No one does.

Well, two people do, but...

their names don't deserve
to be said out loud.

Amy saw him come into
our room, and she heard me

try to scream as he put
his hands over my mouth.

And what did I get?

A Barbie Dreamhouse?

An ice cream party
with all the fucking fixings?

Money? No.

But Amy sure did.

She was so stuffed full
of hush money, by the time

I got the courage to tell
my fifth-grade teacher,

Social Services got involved,

she lied to them.

You want to know why I fucking bit her?

I bit that bitch because she
pretended to be asleep

night after night, while he,
who doesn't deserve

to have his name said
out loud, touched me in ways

that I never deserved
for two fucking years.

I wish death on you, Amy.

I wish death on you more than them.

I wish I could take a knife to your throat

and cut you ear to ear

and watch the blood flow
out of your open wound,

like the Hoover Dam.

You were a child.
You didn't know any better.

Well, guess fucking what?
So was I.

So was I.

God, this shit's so dark.

Who the fuck cares?

I'm a piece of shit anyway.

Maybe I deserved it.

Hello?

Help!

Somebody help me!

Oh! Oh, shit!

Ah! No. No!

Bitch, come inside.
We're about to watch

"Austin Powers 2."
Noah, scoffing: Why?

Because we're on acid, and it's hilarious.

I secretly plan on playing all three

and seeing if anyone notices.
- Were you even alive

when those movies were made?
- Yes.

Wait. Maybe.

I'll be there in a second.

Fine. Whatever.

Be filled with millennial ennui.

He's in his boring era.

Why even come if you're not
gonna do drugs?

Because I'm sober, River.

Oh. It's not an excuse.

River, distantly: I can't
believe we're watching

"Austin Powers 2."
Who's doing this?

Whoa.

Heh!

Hello, Noah.

Ah, I want to thank you.

By coming here, you've found yourself part

of something... bigger.

And together, we'll change the world.

In the meantime,

get some rest.

Soon we'll have cross-species intercourse.

No. Wait.

Wait! Please!
Come back, please!

I didn't do anything!
Please!

Help! Somebody help!

Please! Help!

Help!

Please!

I was convinced he'd be compatible

Because he was attractive?
- I don't only have

cross-species intercourse
with attractive people.

Do I?
- Yeah, you do tend to have

a, uh, visual taste that might not

necessarily be conducive
with your mission.

I shall mull this over.

My head would never explode.

Did you hear me?

I refuse to indulge this request again.

Why?

You know why.

Tsk.

I'm still attractive.

Notice that wasn't a question.

I know you see me that way.

I catch you staring in between feedings.

I tempt you.

Use me.

Use me as you have countless others.

Lift me up into the air.

Enter me with your lubricated appendages.

Impregnate me with your seed.

We can become one.

I could be your queen.

Make sure you clean
the wedges in the trees.

Gray matter always gets jammed in there.

My God! Joey! Hey!

What the fuck? What?
What happened? What happened?

You're scaring me.
All right, all right.

All right, all right, breathe, breathe.

Breathe, 1, 2, 3...

4, out, 1, 2, 3.
- Ah! Huh!

Eureka.
- Aah!

I found you at last.

Joey, you look extremely unwell.

She was having a really bad panic attack.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
Panic is a nightmare.

Yeah, it is. I just went

too far and I panicked and Craig fixed it.

Oh...
- Better?

Joey, breathlessly:
May I have some more?

Later.

First, we must bury you in dirt.

Now, the only thing you two must do

is breathe through this exercise.

The dirt you're sitting in
is absorbing all

of the anxiety, all of the stress,

all of the unnecessary emotions that feed

your inner lizard monsters.

Now, if you please,

take a deep breath in...

and out.

Now I'm about to do something

you might not like, but ultimately,

information needs to be
revealed in order for us

all to move on.
I must admit

I am the perpetrator of this bad news.

No, Brian, I... I...

I don't think...
- Shh, shh.

On the same night

that we had cross-species intercourse...

I also had cross-species
intercourse with Craig.

I know. I should have
discussed it with you first.

But there's something
about you two together,

something so wonderful and magical.

It makes me agog with anticipation.

Joey, I am so sorry!

I am so, so sorry!

There's no need
to apologize to her, Craig.

It's all my own doing.

You were here, I desired you, I took you.

But I also want her.

I want you both.

Oh, Joey, I'm sorry.
Truly, I am so sorry.

I never, never intended it to be this way.

I didn't, I just... I...
I don't fucking know!

He's just so nice, and I just,
like, I just, like,

needed something nice,
you know what I mean?

I am so, so sorry.

Sorry, Joey.

Brian, distorted, slow motion:
Breathe through the dirt,

Joey. Breathe, Joey.
Craig, normal voice: Joey.

You have to breathe.
Brian, still distorted: Joey.

Joey, you have to breathe.

You got it now, Joey.
- Breathe.

Breathe into the dirt, Joey.
Brian, distorted: You got it

now, Joey.
You got it now, Joey.

Breathe into the dirt.
Brian, distorted: Breathe!

Please, you have to breathe into the dirt.

You have to breathe into the dirt.

Breathe, Joey, come on, you
have to breathe into the dirt.

You have to breathe
into the dirt, please, please!

Brian, normal voice: Breathe,
Joey, come on. You have to...

Joey.

I need to tell you something.

You should go.
Take the car.

I involved you in this,
and I... I just...

It's my responsibility to keep you safe.

Well, why...
Why don't we both leave?

Yeah. No. Right. No. We will.
But you should go first.

Why me first?
- Like I just said...

You should leave first because you are in

a much more mentally
precarious position than I am.

You should let me deal with this.

What? What?
- What? What?

So you...
you don't want to stay?

Oh, my God, no!
- Ha ha!

Oh, my God!
What he's doing is horrible!

We both need to leave, but you first.

I'm just trying to protect you.

Right.

No bad ideas.

What if, like...

we both didn't go?
Heh heh!

Brian's mine!
- You bitch!

I knew it!
I fucking knew it!

Oh, my God! You don't care
that he's murdering people

at all, do you?
- I do care!

Do you?!
- Yes, I care! I just...

The feeling that he gives...
- Is mine!

You don't deserve it!
- Oh, my God!

I share everything with you, everything

for five fucking years!
And this is how you repay me?

Are you fucking kidding me?!

You hate seeing me happy.
Yeah.

The one time, the one time

I find pure bliss,
and you want to keep it all

to yourself? Fuck you!
I'm staying...

Aah! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
- Oh, my God, Joey!

Why did you do that?
- I'm so sorry!

Oh, my God!
What the fuck?

What the fuck?! You don't do
that shit to people!

You got a pretty watch.

I want a pink dress.

I will buy shoes

for my grandmother.

Brian requests you meet him for a walk.

He also requests you wear this.

What about me?
- There just might be

something special for you in your closet.

Why don't you go take a look?

I observe that you're stressed.

Sorry if I'm upset that I
just learned my boyfriend is

fucking my best friend.

Oh, this is all Craig's fault.

He didn't just trip and fall
on my tentacle appendage.

I had to transform.
There were two of us.

He required warming up.
The anus is a complicated...

OK, just stop.
Just stop, please.

I now require both of you.

I know that's a lot to take in,

but you must be OK with this.

I'd hate to end our relationship,

but I will if necessary.

Do you think, before dinner tonight,

you could... you know?

I'm just really anxious,
and you haven't done it

since this morning.

Let's... see how you
behave at dinner.

So, what's this?

Roasted cauliflower,

sweet potatoes, and herb chicken.

Seems a little
complicated for my palate, no?

Looks delicious, Laura.

Wine, Craig?

Of course you want wine.

When have you ever said no to alcohol?

He touched you, didn't he?

Please, Joey, you're
embarrassing yourself.

I'd like to propose a toast.

Everything's out in the open now,

which I am, frankly, relieved by.

I know things might be
awkward for a few days,

but I hope very soon we'll all be able

to really view each other
as family to family.

Don't.

Brian, Craig is a traitor,
and he poisoned the wine.

This is so tragic.

He knows about the man that you ate,

and I told him you'd have
a good explanation,

and he didn't want to hear it.

So he took the sugar-free lemonade powder

from underneath the kitchen,
and he poisoned the wine.

Ah, honey, that would be all fine and well

if there weren't literally
fucking cameras everywhere.

Yeah. And once you know
where the cameras are,

they're easy to avoid.

Oh, my God.
You just told on yourself.

Joey, this is really sad.
Please.

No, this is unreal.

He can't! Murder is wrong.

We have to do something, Joey.

He told us where the
sugar-free lemonade powder is.

We have to...
This has to be stopped.

He has to be...

You conniving little...
- Sleep.

What?

What the fuck? What the...
What the fuck?

I had that tracksuit specially made,

and this is how you repay me?

No, Brian.
She deep-faked my voice.

You have to believe me.

I don't know what that means.

It's this, like...
- Enough!

The only one who deep-faked
anything is you.

You faked your deep love,

toyed with my emotions.

No, I didn't, I didn't.
I didn't do that.

I promise you, I didn't do that.

I must dance.

Brian, don't.
Don't dance. Brian?

Fucking bitch!

You fucking duplicitous bitch!

I'm sorry things
worked out the way they did.

So am I, my love.
So am I.

My meditations
have brought me a revelation:

I must devour Craig.

I know.
I promised to let him go,

but I think the only way to move past this

is to devour him.

It's best for all of us but especially me.

I understand.

Really?

Yeah.

Craig will never be happy.

I think you're doing him a kindness.

Just when I think I can't fall
for you anymore, I do.

And you, me, yes?

Do you think you could just...?

That's all?

I must prepare my body.
He will be devoured tonight.

And later, we'll have
cross-species intercourse,

I promise.

Brian? Brian?

Brian?

Brian, you've got to listen to me.

I did not plan to kill you.
Joey's a fucking liar.

You've got to kill her
before it's too late.

I'm not tasty.
I don't work out. She does.

I vape so much, I'm
practically made of nicotine,

but she doesn't. Please.

You fucking bitch, I'll kill you!

Shut the fuck up.
I'm trying to rescue you.

Wait. Really?
- Whisper, you idiot.

I only thought he'd kick you out.

I didn't think he would try to kill you.

I'm not a bad person.

Run.

What are you gonna do?

He loves me.
I'll take my chances. Uh!

Run!

Shit!

Hello, Joey.

I was wondering if your pussy gave off

some kind of irresistible pheromone.

You know, something to explain

his utter fascination with you.

But, alas, it smells
so unbelievably normal.

Craig almost made it to the car...

but, fortunately, he was
making a large enough racket

that Brian woke up, rushed to the garage,

and caught him before he could escape.

He's back in his cage now,

missing his left hand, of course.

No, no, no, no.

Shh, shh, shh.
We're not doing that.

Your time is almost up, sweetheart.

I don't have to do a thing.

I made up that story
about Peter, by the way.

I'm a good actor, aren't I?

Joey, what are you doing here?

You need to shut up and listen.

I know, I know. I don't have
a leg to stand on,

and, yes, I did help Craig escape,

but can you blame me?
He's my best friend.

But despite all that,
I need you to listen to me.

Laura is a bad person.

She's trying to take you away from me,

and I can't... I can't let that
happen again, OK?

You... you make my brain
go quiet.

You make me feel so loved.

You can have Laura, you can have Craig.

You can have a whole harem if you want.

I just... Please, please
don't leave me.

Please don't make me
leave you. Please.

Just, like, I need you.

Oh, shush.
Oh, my darling angel.

It's going to be OK.

I know she is.

What?

Laura has been
growing more and more unstable

every day.

She's been trying to sabotage
our relationship

from the beginning.

I think Craig's addition hit her too hard.

She's desired me for ages.

Don't worry.
I forgive you for Craig.

We'll deal with her...

and then we can put all this behind us.

Really?

Ohh, of course.

Ohh, you are my everything.

Your deep love for me was never faked.

It was all real... all of it.

Finally.

Finally, finally, finally!

Sleep.

I have just one question
for you, one question.

Was it all a lie?

No. Brian, please.

Please let me out of this cage.

No. Attempted murderers
stay in cages.

Laura injected you with the
sugar-free lemonade powder.

Don't you remember?
Or are you Laura?

I am me.

The only thing left of her
are a few memories.

Soon those will go.

Check the cameras.
- You disabled the cameras.

No, no, no, no. Laura...
- Enough!

Brian, please, please.
My anxiety is so bad.

Would you please just touch me
and make my brain go quiet?

And then we could...

You filthy liar!

Stop talking! Just stop!

Your betrayals are too many

and your truths too few.

I loved you.

But for the life of me, I still do.

I don't know what I'm going to
do with you.

But until I decide, you will remain there.

Jig's up, sis.

He knows who you really are now.

My God.

I think that climate change
thing was a fucking lie.

You think he's going to "Animorphs" us?

I can't believe this.
I knew it.

I knew. I knew that this was
too good to be true,

and I never should have listened to you.

I'm going to fucking die because of you.

You came here on your own volition,

and not 12 hours ago.

You were willing to let him do
fucking anything

to make your anxiety go away.

Yeah, because I was dickmotized.

This is all your fucking fault.

Where would you be without me?

How many times did you say

if I didn't validate your every thought

that you'd kill yourself?

It's your fucking catchphrase.

Why do you think I never left?

Because I paid for every goddamn thing.

Where would you be without my money?

Probably on the street, but it'd be better

than being emotionally tied to some baby

who can't let go of his trauma.

I was fucking molested!

So was I, you dolt.

Yes, by a frat boy,
like, one fucking time.

Big whup.

No, you moron.
By my fucking foster parents.

What?
- Yeah.

I was never going to tell you,
but, you know,

I'm glad you know now,

because now you can stop
parading your trauma around me

like some sad little worm.

Oh, fuck you.

You ruined my life.

My brain will never go quiet.
He'll never...

Oh, my God!
Are you kidding me?

Are you still worried
about the heroin skin?

Bitch, we're going to die.

He's got you so addicted, so addicted,

just like I was.

Have fun with the withdrawals.

And when they get real bad,
which they will.

And you feel the need to reach
out to someone for comfort,

I just want you to know
I don't give a fucking shit

about you anymore.

I did one bad thing.

You have been a bad
person your whole life.

Insecure, loud, sad.

And when you die, I hope
you know you deserve it.

Oh, fuck.

Ohh. It's lost,
unfortunately.

But I can make it clean.

I'm still deliberating with
Death, but I'll be back soon.

Twinsies.

I think I can get us out of here.

What'd you have in mind?

Before you say anything,

the two of us have been talking,

and I think we have a proposal.

Go on.

We don't want to die.
- Right.

A lot has been said, but I
think we've been so vicious

because...
- There are feelings...

Between all three of us.
- Which is, like,

so confusing because I'm
not even remotely straight.

It's not just your
touch, Brian. We... we want you.

And I know we've done some awful things,

but so have you.
- Right,

like lying about your planet
dying to climate change.

I was not lying about that.

Brian, you're a parasitic worm.

There's no way you had a civilization.

Ah, I don't...

Like, I'm not a scientist,

but I have seen a lot of
movies, and Joey's right.

OK. Yes, those were lies.

And that's OK.
That's OK.

Because we can fix it with...
- The crystal.

Yeah, let's do it.

Let's go to the crystal room

and lay it all out on the table.

And when it's all out on the table,

we see how the crystal reacts.
And if it's positive...

We help you with your operation

to turn every human being

into one giant parasitic Brian network.

That's all I wanted.

Really?
- Yes, yes.

Well, I can't believe
I didn't think of this.

This is the perfect way to fix everything.

Yeah?

And to think I was going to devour you.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!
I was gonna eat you.

Nom! Nom! Nom! Nom!

Right. Uh...

I'll go first.

So there's a lot about
my life that I hate,

and I want to figure out,
what to do with it.

But booze and vapes and drugs
are so much easier to do.

And because I don't have to work, I can,

if I play my cards right,
just sit in my house

and collect hush money checks
for the rest of my life.

It's a sad fucking existence.

And there comes a point where
I have to realize, like,

if I just sit in this
garbage pile of an existence,

if I don't try to, like,
do anything with my life,

try to pick myself up
out of the heinous shit

that's happened to me,

that I'm just doomed to
become an angry, bitter gay

who pushes everybody away.

And, Joey, I brought you down with me.

I brought you all the way down
into my infinite sadness

because I needed somebody to excuse

all of my bad behaviors,

someone who needed me so badly

that I could get away
with so much, and it just...

wouldn't fucking matter.

And I think because of that...

I lost you.

And it's my fault.

It is. It's my fucking fault.

I hate that I agree...

because we aren't good for each other.

But you saved me.

And when I showed up at your door,

I was so grateful that
you didn't ask any questions.

But I was also so angry

that you didn't ask me any questions.

I was so broken, and you
didn't ask me why.

But you're so young...

And when you're that young,
you're so self-involved,

it's easy to ignore
all the terrible things

that can exist between friends.

And I just keep thinking about

how this thread between us
just keeps dwindling

to the point where a single
breath might break it.

And I think it's time
for us to grow apart.

And I hate it,

but I don't know
what other option we have.

I wish you well.
I do. I really do.

Wow, that was deep stuff,
Joey. Congratulations.

I suppose it's, um, my turn

to, um, share, yes?

Mm-hmm.
- Yes.

Um, the truth is...

I'm... I'm not sure
where I came from.

I woke up on Earth with no recollections.

Maybe that makes me five.

So I'm, like, five years old.

So no wonder it's, I get
so emotional all the time.

Look, I want to be honest from now on.

I love you two.

So...

Brian.

That is not what we wanted.

That was honest.
- Brian.

I want you two by my side,

and I want to take over
the world with my seed.

I apologize for the cages.

Why?
- Because, oh, I don't know.

You did try to murder me.

Do you still believe that?

I don't... I do. I don't.

I don't know. I'm confused.

Laura's memories, they're like...

Do you think murdering people is OK?

I don't know.
My mind says murder,

and I say OK.

So you just have, like, no remorse at all?

I give people the best
cross-species intercourse

of their lifetime.

It's a gift.

And although the trees do not
take away carbon dioxide,

I am saving the planet.

Think of it.
It's a full symbiotic world.

There's no war, no pollution.
It's only perfect balance.

You weren't listening.
- I was listening.

No, you weren't.
Oh, my God.

Brian, you're such a fucking narcissist.

Am not.
- Yes, you are!

You're making clones of yourself

to take over the world, which, by the way,

why do they all have to look like you?

Yeah. Why? Wouldn't it
make more sense

to, like, make them look like
different people,

so that it would prevent
other people from catching on?

I am the perfect specimen.

Why would I not
bless people with my beauty?

Narcissist.
- He is hot, though.

Irregardless.

Also, you talk so strangely.

How? The spores,

they... they should make you
pliant, make you calm.

You should not be this mean.

Mm-hmm. Yeah,

except we're not
under your pheromone spell.

Nope.

We're clear-minded, full-hearted,

and we can't lose.

How?

"Silence of the Lambs" scream, bitch.

Just...

call it sex, you fucking psycho!

"Cross-species intercourse"!

Is a weird thing to call alien fucking!

Run!

Joey!

Oh, my God.
Joey, it's inside me.

What the fuck did...
What the fuck?

Fuck!
- Where is it?

Look.
It's in my stomach.

Oh, God. Oh! But he's moving.
- What?

Joey, you have to cut it
out of me. Now.

Joey?!
- Please.

OK. You have to lift up
your shirt.

Wait. Don't judge my body.

No, 'cause you have fucking abs, Craig!

Oh, my God. Thank you.

Oh, God. OK.

Joey!

Please don't die.
- Do it. Do it.

Fuck.

Oh, fuck!
- What?

Fucker bit me.
- Joey?

Hold on, Craig.
- Oh, God, Joey.

He's breaking through.

Fuck, Joey!

I got him! Oh, fuck you!

Fuck you.
- Joey?

Shit!
Fucking worm! Fucking worm!

No. You didn't. No. No.

That's right.

We aborted your fucking spawn, bitch.

It's not fair.

This whole rift between you
two, I'm not even involved.

You two resented each other
from the moment you met.

If you truly loved each other,

if you were willing
to join together with me,

we could have had it all.

I'm such an ignoramus,

the real victim in this situation.

If I hadn't fallen for your
elegance and beauty,

I'd have succeeded, this world
would have been saved.

Is he for fucking real?

We can.
We can still fix this, Joey.

We can.
You still love me, don't you?

I...

I'll give you my touch whenever you want.

You'll never have to worry
again. No more anxiety,

as much cross-species...
I mean sex as you want.

Please?

You're the most beautiful
specimen I've ever seen.

I'm so lonely.
- What?

Please?

Joey, what are you doing?

Joey, what are you doing?

You swear?

Yes.

Please don't leave me.
I'm not a bad person.

I have a mission.

You agree with the mission, don't you?

I... I don't know.

Be with me. Be my queen.

Let me rid you of your worries.

I'm your one and only?

Yes.
- Your only queen?

Yes, whatever you want.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Oh, fuck.

Fucking... I'm gonna beat... you
fucking...

Just die, you fucking bitch.

What the fuck is wrong with
you? Are you kidding me?!

Were you actually gonna betray me?

I was giving you time to kill him!

Oh, fuck.

OK. Need your hand.
Here. Put pressure on it.

Put pressure on it.

I'll call for help.

He really did only love you
because you're hot, right?

That's, like, so fucked up, man.

I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.

Tell... tell me I'm a good...
Good person.

Tell... tell me I'm... I'm... good,
I'm not... I'm not bad.

People... people like me.

I'm a good p... I'm a good...

Craig? Craig?

Craig?

No. No, Craig!

No!

No!

I buried Craig in the desert,
which was hard to do,

because of the whole
one-hand thing, but I did it,

and I made a large batch
of sugar-free lemonade,

and I poured it all over
the remaining planters,

His enclave was destroyed.

So the story was real?

Yes.

I see.

So how did Laura transform

without being planted in the pot?

Is it because it was an original copy

and it didn't require gestation?

Does the pot speed up the process,

or does it just guarantee perfect copies?

And so if you don't, it'll go awry.

And the man in the cage
exploded because he

wasn't compatible, right?

How come you didn't get impregnated?

Did he use, like, an alien condom,

or he just wasn't able to turn you,

and that is why he
was so intrigued by you?

Shouldn't you be asking me how
I feel about Craig's death?

How... how do you feel?

I think he deserved to live his dreams,

and I feel like he was about to.

And it's my fault he never will,

and I have to live with that
for the rest of my life.

Red.

Blue.

Mother.

Alien.

Tree.

Clone.

Kill.

Kill.

Kill.

Kill.