All language subtitles for Taskmaster - s18e10 - Le Goose

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

SHE SCREAMS
HE SCREAMS

Oh.
BABATUNDE SCREAMS

SHE LAUGHS

EMMA SCREAMS

ROBOT BLEEPS

Oh, you're useless at this.

HE SCREAMS

EMMA HONKS
Boop.

JACK WAILS

Hello, I'm Greg Davies

and welcome to
the Taskmaster Grand Final.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a ride we have been on.
So many highs, so many lows.

But who will have accumulated
the points to take home

the golden fibreglass effigy of
the lord high priest of silver foxes?

Well, let's get on and find out.

Please, give them all
an enormous round of applause

as I welcome our almighty five for
the final time.

Andy Zaltzman...
CHEERING

..Babatunde Aleshe...
CHEERING

..Emma Sidi...
CHEERING

..Jack Dee...
CHEERING

..and Rosie Jones.
CHEERING

And next to me,
a man who is adamant that all of

the shops in his local high street,
Chesham, are poorly presented,

overpriced and owned by people who
make uniquely tedious small talk.

LAUGHTER

CHUCKLING: It's...
HE CHUCKLES

HIGH PITCHED:
It's Little Alex Ho-o-o-orne.

APPLAUSE

Oh, I'm in such a good mood, Greg.
Why are you in such a good mood?

Well, I've got the latest edition
of my favourite magazine.

I subscribe, obviously, to...
Erm, to Sugar Guys, love Sugar Guys.

We made the cover of Sugar Guys,
me and you.

Oh, great. First time.
"Greg and Alex make our list."

Make our list.
We made the top ten.

OK. Yeah, what's the list for?

Oh, it's top ten people you've never
seen sprinting,

but you imagine would be
surprisingly powerful runners.

Springsteen at one,

Davies number three.
I'm just ahead of Kaplinsky.

GREG CHUCKLES

Urgh!

Let's crack on, shall we?

What is the last prize task of
the series, Alex?

Well, this one is certainly fitting
for a tense final like this,

because you asked them
to bring in the thing most likely

to make your buttocks clench.
LAUGHTER

Yes.

Buttocks clenched
and sphincter closed,

nothing out, nor in, shall go.

Five...
LAUGHTER

Five points for
the most buttock-clenching thing

and a dream start to the final for
the person who brought it in.

So, let's all loosen up and get
ready to clench. Here we go.

OK, Baba, welcome to the final.

What have you brought in that might
make one's buttocks clench?

So, I brought in something that
I'm genuinely afraid of.

Here he is.

LAUGHTER

I am genuinely afraid of frogs.

They are demons from hell.

Even if you're not scared,

if you just saw that
jump out of nowhere... Yeah.

..your buttocks would clench up.

I don't know whether
they would, Baba.

Let's say you're just, like,
you know, sitting at home

and a frog just decided,
"Hey, what's up, Greg?"

You telling me you're
not gonna be like, "Ah."

Is the frog phobia a thing?

Yes, it is called ranidaphobia. It's
an intense fear of frogs and toads.

Yeah, and I...
Ah.

I have that and so this is
a genuine fear of mine. Right.

Cos some people'll lick a frog,
won't they?

Yes, they would.
And they are called crack heads.

It's not a bad opener
by Baba's standards. OK.

Andy.
Erm, yeah.

What have you brought in that will
make my buttocks clench?

Ah, I've, erm, brought in a...
Well, a padlock.

He's brought in this.

That's what Andy's brought in.
A broken padlock.

So, that's obviously, initially,
pretty scary, isn't it? Yeah.

Where do you think
those lions are, Greg? Oh, God.

LIONS ROAR

Have we got an interpretation?
Yes.

Oh, we've... We've got a lion
interpreter? Yeah, we have.

I've got an app. Here we go,
this is what they were saying.

DEEP VOICE: Gregory,
I eat tall people.

Can we meet for lunch?

Wow.
Quite a lot going on there, Greg.

It is not often that you get to see
a breakdown in real time.

Jack.
With permission, I'll approach.

Erm, approach. Erm, and I need to...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Well, you haven't got permission.
I... I need you... I need you...

Interestingly, my buttocks
did just clench.

Yeah. It's very especially important
that you close your eyes.

Nothing... You...
You won't be hurt, but it's...

It's the sound that will make
your buttocks clench.

GLOVES SNAP

Oh, Christ,
is he putting rubber gloves on?

OK. Are you experiencing any
anal...? Anal movement, at all?

Erm... Little bit of sphinchtal
twitching going on there.

I didn't expect to say this
on television, but, genuinely, I am.

OK. So, it's just...
It's OK. Eyes closed.

Right, be with you in
a minute, Mr Davies.

LUBE SQUELCHES
What's that sound?

Does that make you...?
It's... It's lube.

Lube going on, lube going on.
It's lube, yeah.

Yeah, and then the final thing.

And I have to admit, this is what
got me going when it happened.

It's this...

DRILL WHIRS

I think that says it all. Yeah?

Well. I mean, I thought we were
just having a bit of fun,

but genuinely my bum
has never been more closed.

Incredible.

Emma Sidi, what buttock-clenching
object have you brought us?

Right.
Oh.

I've brought in a special stick.
Yeah?

Could have many different names.

Maybe a tickle stick,
or a feather stick,

or just The Stick.

Definitely not The Stick.

Why are you...?
Your stance is so aggressive.

All right.
OK.

No, I... I don't like it.

I'm sorry about that,
but how are your buttocks?

Tight.

These are the strangest selection
of prizes we've ever had.

Do you want a go on it?
No, thank you.

All right.

And, now...

..the person I have been most afraid
to ask this question to.

How are you going to make
my buttocks clench?

My attempt to clench your buttocks

involves opening mine.

I have brought my used enema.

CROWD GROAN

Lovely. Lovely bit of kit,
lovely bit of kit.

I don't know how tight
my buttocks are. You monster.

Just imagine doing that.

Or imagine me doing that.
LAUGHTER

What am I imagining?

You doing it to me,
or you doing it in front of me?

Dream scenario...

..we'd be doing it together.

Erm, it sounds weird,
but I'd like to be there, too.

OK. All right.
I guess, loosest to tightest.

I'm gonna give Baba two points.
Ah.

Cos it's the Grand Final.
Two points to Baba.

Three points to Andy Zaltzman.
Three points to Andy Zaltzman.

Yeah, and four points to Rosie Jones.
Four points to Rosie, right.

Now...
We don't have much room to move.

No, I know, so I either give
someone else four points,

or I give them both five points.
Oh.

Cos they both stressed me out.
I'll give them both five points.

OK, five to Emma and to Jack.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, what's the first proper task,
little Alex Horne?

Well, Greg, we're off to the movies.

SHE CHUCKLES
Ah.

"Say how many chairs are in
this cinema."

There's loads.

"You may only give one answer."

OK, well, that weren't my answer.
ALEX: OK.

That weren't my answer.

"You must not say any numbers

"until you give your answer."

"And you must say
the name of every object

"that appears on the screen."
Oh, OK, so, teapot.

So, what, I've gotta keep counting
and spin around to see the objects?

Without saying any numbers.

"If you miss an object,
one minute will be added

"to your time.
For every chair you get wrong,

"one minute will be added
to your time.

"You have a maximum
of ten wickets..." Ten wickets?

"You have a maximum of ten minutes."

Fastest correct answer wins.

Mm-hm. Did you take any of that in?
No.

No, it didn't feel like you were.

"Your time starts when Alex blows
his whistle." Good luck.

Don't. Don't blow your whistle
just yet. OK, why not?

Please, just give me
mm-minutes to think.

I'm not gonna do that.
WHISTLE BLOWS

OK.

What's the deal with saying numbers
out loud?

Yes, so all they've gotta do is say
how many chairs there are in

the cinema.
I get it.

If they say any number,
that is their answer. Got it.

OK, the trailers have finished,

let's settle down for
the main event.

And it's front Rosie seats
for Jones.

Teapot

I'm coming down.

Horse.

Rabbit.
Rabbit.

Elephant.

Eggcup.

Tortoise.
It is a tortoise.

Erm, Taskmaster house. Robin.

Robin.

Eagle. Are you going to touch
every single chair?

Yeah. Plug.

Erm, it's, sort of, more of a, well,
extension lead, but fine.

Three.

Three!

SHE SCREAMS

Pardon. Didn't quite hear that.

Hedgehogs.

Oh, what's the point any more?

In life?
Yeah.

Oh, Alex.

Ostrich. Not really, no,
it's a smaller bird than an ostrich.

Emu.

Has there ever been captured on film

a sadder cry than,
"Oh, Alex. Ostrich."

I was feeling confident.
Yeah.

And then that happened
and I was so upset. Oh.

She was.
Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you told me you got distracted
by the hedgehog...and said three.

We've got a double bill now.

We've got In-SID-ious with Emma

and everybody's favourite superhero
film, it's Zaltzman. Here we go.

Teapot.
Correct.

Horsey.

OK, eggcup.

Teacup.
It's... It's an eggcup, actually.

I drink tea out of eggcups.

All right, elephant.

House.

House facade.

House, erm... Yeah, lovely.
House facade.

House facade, yeah.

Robin.
Robin.

Erm, eagle.

It is an eagle. Do you like eagles?

Couldn't eat a whole one.

Stuffed eagle.
It's not stuffed.

All right. Can I have a pen?

Please.
Please.

Robot. My nemesis.

Robot. Oh, I love that robot.

How can I tell if there's chairs
in those booths?

Stop the clock. Triangle.

Well, I can't...
It's not really a stop... No, 318.

I have now stopped the clock.

Looks like no chairs there. Right.

328.

SHE SIGHS
If there's secret chair...

No secret chairs.
All right.

OK.
Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Did either of them see
the little chairs? They did not.

I saw the little chairs,
I just didn't wanna stoop

to your fucking level, so...

Andy only missed four things on
the screen.

Emma only missed an envelope.

Thing is, they think I was sneaky
with the little chairs,

but I was actually very helpful
with this task.

I made the film to help them along.

I'm a helpful guy.
Here is the film again.

The first letters of all

the objects, every time,
spelt out, "Three, three, three."

There weren't three chairs,
they were 333 chairs.

No, man.
Baba, I'll say this for you.

The only person who would work that
out hasn't got a friend in the world.

But, look, it was fastest
correct answer wins.

So, every chair away from
the correct answer counts as

a minute. So far, we have

Rosie coming in at 338 minutes
39 seconds.

Could be crucial.
We have Emma on 19:18

and we have Andy on 13:19 seconds,
in the lead at the moment.

That is the first part of

the final complete,
just three parts left for them

to grab hold of every point possible.

And let's not forget,
there's a hot dog yet to make

an appearance.
Quick, go and have a wee,

things are about to get cray-cray.

Hello, welcome back to
the Taskmaster final,

where there's a task of cinematic
proportions taking place.

Oh, yes, it's a blockbuster, Greg,
just like that Bob Holness film.

The task is to say how many chairs
there are in the cinema.

They can only give one answer

and must list the objects
that appear on the screen.

Fastest wins. If they miss
an object, or get a chair wrong,

one minute will be added to
their time.

Just two icons of the screen
left to go, it's Jack Dee

and Babatunde Aleshe.

Teapot.

Well, is that it? Erm...

Horse.

Erm, rabbit.

Egg cup.
Correct.

Hey.

KLAXON HONKS

KLAXON HONKS

Can I walk around? OK.
KLAXON HONKS

Elephant.

Erm, tortoise.
That's right, Jack.

What?
Correct, it is a tortoise, yeah.

Yeah.
Yeah.

House.

Erm... Erm, it's a robin.

Erm, bird.
Nearly.

Eagle.
Correct.

Hey.

One of those exercise balls.

Yeah, looks like a lime at first,
doesn't it?

No.

Oh, triangle.

Stop, man, you're getting on
my nerves.

I've got this calculation
I'm trying to do in my head

and it isn't easy.

Ear. Wait.

You never said I can't use
a calculator.

This is why I'm smart, you know.
Work smarter, not harder, my guy.

326 seats.

345.
That's a lot, isn't it?

Well, it's a cinema, isn't it?

You were on it, right?
I was on it, man.

Used a calculator.
Yeah.

Fast, upbeat. You, as usual...
I wasn't using a calculator,

I was calling my agent
at that point.

333 is the actual answer.

Yeah, so Baba was only
seven chairs out.

We know that Andy got
a total of 13 minutes, 19 seconds.

Baba, 12 minutes, 36 seconds.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yeah!

But I need you to look at something
before I

try to work out what score
Jack gets.

Have a watch of this, Jack.

I've got a small calculation
to do in my head. Erm, it's a robin.

Yeah.
Erm, hang on. Three...

REPEATED: Three. Three.
Three. Three.

HE SIGHS

Now, then, Greg.
Did the man say three out loud?

Course I bloody said it. You know...
Oh, right.

Which means Baba does get
the five points.

Andy, four, three to Emma.
Great.

Rosie, you get two points.
Ah.

Jack, his score was over five hours,
38 minutes, unbelievably.

Two points to Rosie,
one to Jack Dee.

Yes!

Wow. Let's see these chumps up on
the scoreboard, young fellow m'lad.

Yes, I can tell you there are now
only four points separating first

and second place in the series.
THEY GASP AND COO

Exciting.
Ooh.

And this particular episode,
Jack and Rosie in last place on six.

Emma's in the lead on eight.
SHE GASPS

Oh, shit.

Very good, what's next?

Well, Greg, it's time to
make good choices. Oh.

Baba.
How you doing? You OK?

Yeah, I'm good.

I've got that at home.
How often do you yoga?

I don't yoga, I plank.
You plank.

For days. Honestly, I've got guns.

Oh.

Thank you.

Thank you.
SHE CHUCKLES

"Either..." OK, that's why it
had either on it. On the paddle.

Yeah, well, it was an oar.
Is it called The Either Oar?

Is that what you call it? OK.
Not the either paddle.

OK.

"Either throw five fives in a row."
"Or..."

"Do 100 press ups."
You know my guns.

"Or...

"Eat a raw onion."
That definitely ain't happening.

"Or..."
"Find the needle in the haystack."

Where the hell is the haystack, man?

"Or..."

"Sit silently for ten minutes.

"You may only attempt two
of these things.

"Fastest wins, your time starts now."

I mean, 100 press ups is not...

Is not a thing
you wanna do on camera. No.

Cos I had a curry last night.
Oh, yeah?

Mm.

Well, I'm sure I speak for
the nation when I say I would love

to see Jack Dee shit himself on
television whilst doing press ups,

but that's not gonna happen.

Well, first to make their beds
and lie in them are Baba

and Rosie. Here we go.

Big man, I am sitting silently
for ten minutes.

I just wanna let everybody know,
you might hear my belly rumble,

make some noise.
Don't panic, I'm just hungry.

Do you think you can do that
for ten minutes?

Oh. You could eat an onion on
the mat, or do press ups.

Ah, did you remember the rules?

One...
SHE GIGGLES

..two, three.

Ah. Ooh.

38. How's your silence going?

SHE LAUGHS

Are you...? Are you having
many thoughts?

Are you mainly thinking about Greg?

Me?

Food?

79, 70...

I'm not giving you that one,
Rosie, that's 78.

Do you think you've finished?

Cos the clock's been going for
more than ten minutes now.

SHE STRAINS

Yes.
I've stopped the clock.

Yes, I completed my task.

Man stayed silent for ten minutes.

Didn't have to eat
no nasty-arse raw onion.

Cos who the hell does that?
What kind of sick-minded weirdos.

I mean what sort of sick weirdo
would eat a raw onion

is what you were saying.
Yes.

But who would eat one recreationally?

I was intrigued.

By?
Onions.

OK.

It took Baba 12 minutes,
15 seconds to sit silently

for ten minutes.

It took Rosie ten minutes
and 20 seconds to do 100 press ups.

Now, we're gonna see Jack and Andy.

OK right. Give me a minute.

I think I'll go looking for
a haystack.

OK. And once you find the haystack,
you've then gotta find the needle.

That's true.
No, thank you for pointing that out.

OK. Be prepared. I hope you
don't consider this cheating.

So, if I throw five fives
in a row, I'll do that.

But the way I will do it is by
adding up and subtracting. OK? OK.

Right, we're gonna go
with that. One.

One, plus three.
Plus six. That's ten.

Are you saying that's two fives?
Right. So, that's two fives.

Oh, is it now? OK.
I think it is.

Does that count? Four.

You've rolled a six.

That's a five, look.
I've crossed that one out.

Well, there were
six black dots on it.

No, it's underneath the chalk.

You are quite literally
a hard taskmaster.

Four. One, five. Another five.

So, you've done three fives now.
Yeah.

One. Two.

That's a six.

And a four. So, there's two
more fives. That's five fives.

Do you want me to stop the clock?
Yeah.

Four. Five. Stop the clock.

I think I've invented a new game.

I mean, it brings a bit of certainty
to a world of...doubt.

Well, now, you tell me
what I'm gonna say.

Congratulations?
Well, I am actually, Andy.

And, you know,
I think it was quite clever. Right.

He managed to throw five fives
in 2:40.

Yeah, the man's
to be congratulated for

a clever idea, don't you think?

Now, Jack had an idea, as well.
Yeah.

I put it to you, your idea...

..horse shit.

Five fives, you wanted...

That was what was wanted.
Erm, it was.

And that... You got the total...
The sum total of five fives.

He did throw 25
in consecutive rolls. Five fives.

And he only got 25.

I've said this before
and I'll say it again,

Alex gets cute and scared
around Jack.

You let him do it.
So, it's cute and scared?

And scared. Cute and scared.
Little... "OK, Jack."

All I'm saying is that he threw
25 in a row, but,

erm, you're right he didn't throw
a single five.

He fooled you with maths
and with love.

Sorry, Jack, I'm not allowing it,
simple as that.

And, just like that,
we're halfway through the final.

What will our comedians do
when it's all over?

Well, they'll claim they're retired,

but is it retirement when
the phone just stops ringing?

We'll see you in a minute.

Hello, and welcome back to
the Taskmaster final where

the atmosphere is electric.
Ah. And so is my car,

300 mile range,
unless you turn on the radio,

or open a window,
then it's about 80.

LAUGHTER
The current task involves options.

They've got to complete one

of five different things
as quickly as possible.

There's one person left.
It's her, Emma Sidi.

I'm gonna throw five fives in
a row. To start off with. Yeah?

OK.

No.
SHE LAUGHS

You're just trying to
make me eat this.

But where's that haystack?

I'm just gonna find it, OK,
so I know what I'm dealing with.

Sure. Wherever you want.

SHE SIGHS

Yeah, I'm gonna do the haystack one.

Yeah, good idea.

Found it.

I've found it.
Yeah, that's the needle.

You have to reward someone
when they play a blinder.

She's the only one who looked
for the haystack.

She went looking for the haystack.
There it was.

It was a mini haystack,
she found the needle.

What else is to be said?

We know that Baba took 12 minutes,
Rosie ten minutes,

Andy 2:40, Emma 1:52.

Ah. Yes.

Very good. So, points-wise,
Emma gets the five,

we have four points to Andy,
three to Rosie,

two to Baba. Does Jack get zero?

No, I mean there was some
lateral thinking with Jack,

so that would be...
Erm, especially in the final.

It'd be mean spirited
to give him nothing.

So, I will, like you, give him one.

Very good, one point to Jack.
There we go.

One more task then,
little Alex Horne.

So, finally, let's gander at
the goose.

GEESE HONK

GOOSE HONKS

Might wanna put some, like,
WD40 on that door, or something.

Mad loud.

Yes.

Ah.

Huh?

"Present The Goose."

"Best The Goose wins."

"You have a maximum of 30 minutes."

"Your time starts now."

Do I have to look for The Goose?

I think you're gonna have to
decide what The Goose is.

Who comes up with this stuff, bruv?
What am I...?

I don't know how a goose acts.
They don't do that, do they?

That's a chicken.

These are my favourite type of tasks.

Open-ended madness.
You didn't like it, did you, Baba?

I did not like it.

I think... I think this was the task
I reached my breaking point.

Yeah.
Are you ready to see The Goose?

Let's play on.
Let's start with this.

She's cerebral, ballsy. It's...
LAUGHTER

..Rosie Jones.
Wow.

Madames, messieurs...

..bonjour.

Je vous presente Le Goose.

DRAMATIC FLOURISH

Honk.

Honk. Honk.

Back.

Back.

Stop.

Lay.

Honk!

Lay.

HE HONKS

Lay.

HE SQUAWKS

Now...

..dance.

SLOW PIANO PLAYS

Bon.

Bien.

Bien, monsieur.

Good. I am...happy.

DRAMATIC FLOURISH

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wonderful and insane.

All I can think to do,
really, is just to,

erm, drill down into who
this woman is. She's French?

She's French.

Although, she has limited French.

Oui.

It was very powerful.
Thank you.

You're welcome. And I thought Alex
did a very good job.

Moving on...
LAUGHTER

All right.
Who's next?

Next, The Zaltz presents The Goose.

The goose,

one of nature's rarest
and most enigmatic creatures.

Go away. Fucking impostors. Away!

Sorry. Where were we?

BEEPING

The goose, one of nature's rarest
and most enigmatic creatures.

We know so little about them,

apart from that they're distantly
related to this guy

and they shouldn't be trusted near
car windscreens.

So, let's find out some more.

So, how do gooses, or, as
the scientists call them, geese

actually mate? Well, until now,
no-one has ever got footage

of geese getting their goose on.

As we see, the male goose,
or gooch, attempts to attract

the attention of
the female goose, or google.

And it does this with
a display of its physical prowess...

GOOSE HONKS

..range of flight...

HONKING AND CRACKING

..and, of course,
its sense of humour.

GOOSE HONKS

OWL LAUGHS

And, so the romance begins.

DREAMY MUSIC

This is a one-week-old goose egg.

This is the same egg at six weeks.

And this is the fully grown egg
at eight months' egg-station.

The mother goose then waits
for something to crack the egg.

And the cycle of life begins
once again.

They're so like us.
In fact, this goose shares 99% of

the same DNA as William Shakespeare.

And maybe that's why
there's such a deep

and mutual bond of respect
between humans and geese.

Blood brothers in
the ballet of evolution.

Did some wild geese really
just coincidentally fly over?

They... They did, Greg.
It was... It was a sign.

That whole thing, though,

of fading out as a sex scene
is starting to... Yeah.

That's an old technique, so that you
don't have to show the sex scene.

But then, you know, it was
to give those who don't

want to see geese...goosing...
Yeah.

..to go and make a cup of tea.

Whereas, those people who can
fucking handle reality can...

Can see how nature works.

We've got time for one more before
the break, Greg. It's time for Baba.

Baba.

Ready? OK.

This is my goose.

Oh.
HE STRAINS

Boink.

Golden egg. Ta-da.

LAUGHTER

Thank you, Baba.
Big up yourself, man.

Like, every day, all day. Bye-bye.

It didn't take him as long as
the others.

I should say he overcame
quite a lot to do that. I did.

Baba said,
"I don't want to be a goose on TV.

"Everyone in Tottenham won't
talk to me if I've been a goose."

I was worried about my reputation on
the streets, because, you know,

as you know, coming from
the inner city, being...

I live in the inner city.
Yeah, being...

Being a young Black man from
the inner city, from...

Yeah, it's tough.
From the ends.

It's tough.
It's quite tough. Sorry, I'm...

HE CLEARS THROAT,
LAUGHTER

It's... It's quite tough to,
you know, make it out of

the hood and I've made it,

I've made it on to
Channel 4, Taskmaster.

Sitting next to one
of my absolute heroes,

Jack Dee, and I feel like
I did my best.

And if you're gonna penalise me
for that, then I just...

I just don't
trust you any more, Greg.

Very good. Very good.

He overcame everything
to become a goose.

To become a goose.
On TV.

WHISPERED: But the goose was shit.
LAUGHTER

It looked a lot like a duck.
Also, didn't you move to

the home counties
quite a while ago?

LAUGHTER

Sh.

Break time for the final time.

Not long now until we discover

the identity of our mighty,
new series champion.

That person will represent
Taskmaster around the globe,

continuing the legacy of
the champions before them.

Footnote, all flights must be
paid for by the individual.

Taskmaster takes no responsibility,
all rights reserved.

All profits go to
Horne And Davies Enterprises.

And, at the end of the year,
any reference made by

the individual to Taskmaster,
or associated shows,

will result in litigation.
Enjoy your break.

Hello, welcome back to
the Taskmaster Grand Final.

It's the last chapter of this series

and our five foes are doing
all they can to hoover up

the last few available points.

The competitors are currently each
presenting their goose to Greg

and there are now just
two geese remaining.

First, and it's been an honour
to have him here,

it's Jack Dee Onassis. Here we go.

Oh, hello, Jack.
Hi, Alex.

Are you, erm,
ready to present The Goose?

Yeah. This is The Goose.
Erm... Shall I talk you through it?

Why is it called The Goose?

Well, it's a nod to, erm,

Howard Hughes who created

an aeroplane called
the Spruce Goose. Right.

You know when people
open a supermarket

and they've gotta advertise it

and quite often they'll just have
people going from door

to door with leaflets.
Very labour intensive.

Why not have an aeroplane
you can drop your leaflets from?

Right. There's a dispatch
thing here. Do I take that?

Yeah, that's a leaflet.

So, that will just be dropping on
your head normally.

Oh, yeah Horne's New Supermarket.
Yeah.

Did you misjudge
the width of the paper?

Erm, I did do that thing.
Yeah, I did,

I couldn't get it all on one line.

"Milk, bleach."
So, I put a hyphen in.

Yeah.
Made a feature of it.

Off we go. So, I'll be... I'll be
dropping leaflets in a minute.

Oh, OK.

Corner.

LAUGHTER

See.
That's amazing.

This is much easier than standing on
a street corner.

I see that now, yeah.
See?

Yeah.

It's amazing the difference
that SFX can make, isn't it?

Because when you were flying high in
the sky, I just loved it,

I imagined a children's franchise.
Yeah, yeah.

You take the SFX away and you...

You're sort of left with
a confused man in

the high street who
the kids are throwing stones at.

I think we've all used
a bit of special effects here

and there, haven't we,
over the series?

I think it's fair to say.
That is true.

I think it is.
But I loved it when it was SFX.

Yeah. I was just worried about you
when it was just in a cardboard box.

Yeah.
Go on, then.

OK, one left.

Finally, to play us out,
it's Emma Sidi's The Goose.

What time do you call this?

Please, Mum.

I remember a time...

..when you were, I dunno,
four years old.

What was it you used to say to me?

I love you, Mummy.

And why don't you say it now?

You bastard. Argh!

Get out of my house.

SHE SOBS
And go feed that bloody goose.

We should never have got
that bloody goose.

We should have never got
that bloody goose.

APPLAUSE

What a powerful...
Yeah.

There's so much not said,
but so much said... Oh, God.

..at the same time. It was such
a tricky text to work with.

We were...
Oh, God, I can imagine.

The Goose.
Yeah.

It seems to have caused problems in
the family relationship. Oh, yeah.

Between Paul and Pauline, his mum.
Yeah.

SHE CHUCKLES

How did the goose cause the family
to unravel in such a way?

Pauline's son, Paul, had become
overly attached to the goose. Yeah.

And the mother's love was no longer
being given to the mother... Ah.

..it was now all going towards
this goose. Hmm.

And it was ruining her life.
Ah.

It's not very funny, is it?
But that's theatre.

I'm having the time of my life.

Which was the worst The Goose?

BABA SNORTS

Come on, it was Baba.
One point to Baba.

I'm gonna base the other points on
the complexity of the narrative. OK.

Two points to Jack,
three points to Andy.

Four points to Emma...

and five points to
the mysterious goose.

Wow, OK.
Five points to Rosie Jones.

Yes.

One more glance at the scores.

Yes, Andy and Rosie are in
joint second on 14 points,

but the playwright, Emma,
is in the lead with 17 points. Wow.

All right, everybody,

for the last time, please,
prepare yourselves for

the final task of the series.

CROWD COO

Bring on the contestants.

OPERA PLAYS,
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Greg, we have a hot dog.
We do.

Which means that this task is worth
potentially double points

for Andy Zaltzman.

Andy.
Yes.

Please, read the task.
With pleasure.

"When Greg says, "Eyes down,"
you must look down.

"When Greg says, "Eyes up,"

"you must immediately look at
a fellow contestant."

SHE GASPS
Oh.

"If the contestant is also looking
at you, you are both eliminated."

Ah.
"First to win twice wins."

Ooh.
Ah.

Emma's happy.
Emma's really looking forward to it.

You need to win twice to win
the whole thing.

It's five points, or zero.
Oh, bollocks.

Or ten. Or ten, Andy.
Or ten.

Or ten.

OK, Greg, the competitors are ready.

Eyes down.

Eyes up.

Still time, Andy,
someone's gotta win twice.

So, the three remaining players on
this occasion are Emma,

Jack and Rosie.

Eyes down.

Eyes up.

They are all safe.
All safe.

Eyes down.

Eyes up.

Knew that was gonna happen.
Sticking with their tactics.

Who's gonna blink first?

Eyes down.
Oh.

Eyes up.

Eyes down.

Maybe we'll just let them think
about it for a moment. Eyes up.

Jack Dee, please, put on a rosette.

So, one rosette to Jack.

All to play for. Eyes down.

Eyes up.

Ooh, we have Emma and
the hot dog out.

Oh. Andy.
Andy, Andy, Andy.

This is cruel.

So, it's Baba, Jack and Rosie.
It could be over here if Jack wins.

Eyes down.

Eyes up.
CROWD GASP

It's all over.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jack Dee wins. Let's add that to
the final scores.

We'll come down and join you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, well, well.

So, what happened there was that
the hot-dog wearer, Andy,

could've won ten points.

He won no points.
CROWD GROAN

Jack Dee wins five points.

Well done, Jack.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And, boy, has that had an effect on
the scoreboard. Oh-ho.

Baba, you've come last
with ten points,

but Emma wins the episode
with 17 points.

Yes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Emma Sidi wins the episode.

Please, go and bag up
your butt-clenching booty.

Here we go.

The time has come
to crown our new champion.

Who has triumphed?
My dear, little boy...

..my sweet, sweet little angel...

..will you reveal the final scores?

I shall.

So, in fifth place,

with 137 points, she's been
remarkable throughout,

she is remarkable, it's Rosie Jones.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And then, in fourth place,
I look forward to hanging out

with him in Tottenham soon,
it's Baba with 147 points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, third place,

she has remarkably won four of
the ten episodes.

She's only in third place,
she's been brilliant,

with 152 points, it's Emma Sidi.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, here we go,

the lead has switched hands
so many times in this series.

There's just three points in it.
CROWD WHOOP

With 157 points, in second place...

..my hero, Mr Jack Dee.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Which means, with 160 points...

Our new Taskmaster champion
is Andy Zaltzman.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media