Original subtitles

Since the dawn of time, humans have

Since the dawn of time, humans have

Since the dawn of time, humans have wondered what the future holds. Will I

wondered what the future holds. Will I

wondered what the future holds. Will I get rich? Will I live long? Will they

get rich? Will I live long? Will they

get rich? Will I live long? Will they ever bring back Mil Manor?

ever bring back Mil Manor?

ever bring back Mil Manor? These questions have stumped our

These questions have stumped our

These questions have stumped our greatest profits. But now, thanks to the

greatest profits. But now, thanks to the

greatest profits. But now, thanks to the internet, we don't have to worry about

internet, we don't have to worry about

internet, we don't have to worry about the future. We can just bet on it.

the future. We can just bet on it.

the future. We can just bet on it. >> Now, to an industry skyrocketing in

>> Now, to an industry skyrocketing in

>> Now, to an industry skyrocketing in popularity, prediction markets. The

popularity, prediction markets. The

popularity, prediction markets. The online platforms like Koshi and Poly

online platforms like Koshi and Poly

online platforms like Koshi and Poly Market are where people bet money on the

Market are where people bet money on the

Market are where people bet money on the outcome of future events.

outcome of future events.

outcome of future events. >> You can bet on sports. You can bet on

>> You can bet on sports. You can bet on

>> You can bet on sports. You can bet on world events. You can bet on like what

world events. You can bet on like what

world events. You can bet on like what song will be on the charts NEXT WEEK.

song will be on the charts NEXT WEEK.

song will be on the charts NEXT WEEK. >> WOW. CAN I BET ON HOW MANY TIMES I'M

>> WOW. CAN I BET ON HOW MANY TIMES I'M

>> WOW. CAN I BET ON HOW MANY TIMES I'M GOING TO SWEAR DURING THIS SEGMENT?

I BET IT'S OVER 10 because this is

I BET IT'S OVER 10 because this is

I BET IT'S OVER 10 because this is crazy,

AND THAT'S THREE. THAT'S THREE RIGHT

AND THAT'S THREE. THAT'S THREE RIGHT

AND THAT'S THREE. THAT'S THREE RIGHT THERE. TRUST ME. Bet the over.

THERE. TRUST ME. Bet the over.

THERE. TRUST ME. Bet the over. Of course, I remember a simpler time

Of course, I remember a simpler time

Of course, I remember a simpler time when gambling meant going to the

when gambling meant going to the

when gambling meant going to the racetrack and blowing your kid's college

racetrack and blowing your kid's college

racetrack and blowing your kid's college fund on a tip from a guy who seemed

fund on a tip from a guy who seemed

fund on a tip from a guy who seemed Italian.

Italian.

Italian. Back then, there were only three things

Back then, there were only three things

Back then, there were only three things you could bet on: sports, dice, and

you could bet on: sports, dice, and

you could bet on: sports, dice, and unprotected sex.

unprotected sex.

unprotected sex. You could lose the last one two ways, an

You could lose the last one two ways, an

You could lose the last one two ways, an STD or child support.

STD or child support.

STD or child support. I can't count how many times I woke up

I can't count how many times I woke up

I can't count how many times I woke up in someone's bed. LIKE, UH, COME ON,

in someone's bed. LIKE, UH, COME ON,

in someone's bed. LIKE, UH, COME ON, CHLAMYDIA.

But thanks to prediction markets, you

But thanks to prediction markets, you

But thanks to prediction markets, you can now bet on basically anything. And I

can now bet on basically anything. And I

can now bet on basically anything. And I mean anything. You can bet on or Kelsey

mean anything. You can bet on or Kelsey

mean anything. You can bet on or Kelsey says invest in nearly 3,500 markets on

says invest in nearly 3,500 markets on

says invest in nearly 3,500 markets on the company's platform.

the company's platform.

the company's platform. >> Things like Oscars, who's going to be

>> Things like Oscars, who's going to be

>> Things like Oscars, who's going to be the next Federal Reserve chair.

the next Federal Reserve chair.

the next Federal Reserve chair. >> How many tweets will Elon Musk send in a

>> How many tweets will Elon Musk send in a

>> How many tweets will Elon Musk send in a week?

week?

week? >> Who the next James Bond will be? Who

>> Who the next James Bond will be? Who

>> Who the next James Bond will be? Who will be a bridesmaid at Taylor Swift's

will be a bridesmaid at Taylor Swift's

will be a bridesmaid at Taylor Swift's wedding? OH, CHRIST. THAT'S THE

wedding? OH, CHRIST. THAT'S THE

wedding? OH, CHRIST. THAT'S THE STUPIDEST BET I'VE EVER HEARD. Any real

STUPIDEST BET I'VE EVER HEARD. Any real

STUPIDEST BET I'VE EVER HEARD. Any real Swifty knows Taylor's going to have a

Swifty knows Taylor's going to have a

Swifty knows Taylor's going to have a small private service without

small private service without

small private service without bridesmaids. Next time, try listening to

bridesmaids. Next time, try listening to

bridesmaids. Next time, try listening to the lyrics of her 2010 HIT SPEAK NOW,

the lyrics of her 2010 HIT SPEAK NOW,

the lyrics of her 2010 HIT SPEAK NOW, YOU IDIOT.

And that's for

And that's for

And that's for now. All of this frivolous gambling

now. All of this frivolous gambling

now. All of this frivolous gambling might have you hoping that the world is

might have you hoping that the world is

might have you hoping that the world is ending. And I have good news. YOU CAN

ending. And I have good news. YOU CAN

ending. And I have good news. YOU CAN BET ON THAT, TOO. ACCORDING TO Poly

BET ON THAT, TOO. ACCORDING TO Poly

BET ON THAT, TOO. ACCORDING TO Poly Market, the odds of Jesus returning this

Market, the odds of Jesus returning this

Market, the odds of Jesus returning this year is 4%.

year is 4%.

year is 4%. Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ. A 4% chance. That means, and this is

A 4% chance. That means, and this is

A 4% chance. That means, and this is true, Jesus returning has four times

true, Jesus returning has four times

true, Jesus returning has four times better odds than the Jets winning the

better odds than the Jets winning the

better odds than the Jets winning the Super Bowl.

And if that's not bad enough, people put

And if that's not bad enough, people put

And if that's not bad enough, people put Jesus returning at 4% and Jeffrey

Jesus returning at 4% and Jeffrey

Jesus returning at 4% and Jeffrey Epstein coming back alive at 5%.

Epstein coming back alive at 5%.

Epstein coming back alive at 5%. That's right. It's neck and neck between

That's right. It's neck and neck between

That's right. It's neck and neck between one of history's greatest monsters and

one of history's greatest monsters and

one of history's greatest monsters and Jeffrey Epstein.

Jeffrey Epstein.

Jeffrey Epstein. I GUESS IT KNEW IT. WE ALL KNEW IT.

I GUESS IT KNEW IT. WE ALL KNEW IT.

I GUESS IT KNEW IT. WE ALL KNEW IT. WE'RE NOT IDIOTS. WE WRITE THE STUFF. WE

WE'RE NOT IDIOTS. WE WRITE THE STUFF. WE

WE'RE NOT IDIOTS. WE WRITE THE STUFF. WE PUT IT OUT THERE. WE HOPE FOR THE BEST.

PUT IT OUT THERE. WE HOPE FOR THE BEST.

PUT IT OUT THERE. WE HOPE FOR THE BEST. I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HIT US.

GOD DAMN IT.

GOD DAMN IT.

GOD DAMN IT. SON OF A AND THAT DOESN'T COUNT

SON OF A AND THAT DOESN'T COUNT

SON OF A AND THAT DOESN'T COUNT TOWARD my number.

I guess if JESUS IS THE JOKE, TO BE

I guess if JESUS IS THE JOKE, TO BE

I guess if JESUS IS THE JOKE, TO BE HONEST, IS ABOUT JEFFREY EPSTEIN.

HONEST, IS ABOUT JEFFREY EPSTEIN.

HONEST, IS ABOUT JEFFREY EPSTEIN. GOD DAMN IT. SON OF A I hate TO

GOD DAMN IT. SON OF A I hate TO

GOD DAMN IT. SON OF A I hate TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS STUFF, BUT I DON'T

HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS STUFF, BUT I DON'T

HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS STUFF, BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO to jail.

Okay, sorry that was a little extreme.

Okay, sorry that was a little extreme.

Okay, sorry that was a little extreme. I guess if Jesus is coming back, I'm

I guess if Jesus is coming back, I'm

I guess if Jesus is coming back, I'm going to need the cash to bribe my way

going to need the cash to bribe my way

going to need the cash to bribe my way into heaven.

into heaven.

into heaven. Hey, St. Peter, I know you don't have

Hey, St. Peter, I know you don't have

Hey, St. Peter, I know you don't have room for a blasphemous Jew, but what

room for a blasphemous Jew, but what

room for a blasphemous Jew, but what about my friend Ben Franklin?

about my friend Ben Franklin?

about my friend Ben Franklin? Now, if you're worried about people

Now, if you're worried about people

Now, if you're worried about people losing all their money gambling, don't

losing all their money gambling, don't

losing all their money gambling, don't worry. A lot of these are

worry. A lot of these are

worry. A lot of these are cheating.

cheating.

cheating. >> Massive bets on Trump's war with Iran,

>> Massive bets on Trump's war with Iran,

>> Massive bets on Trump's war with Iran, raising questions of insider trading on

raising questions of insider trading on

raising questions of insider trading on the prediction market platform Poly

the prediction market platform Poly

the prediction market platform Poly Market.

Market.

Market. >> Hundreds of accounts placed wagers

>> Hundreds of accounts placed wagers

>> Hundreds of accounts placed wagers correctly predicting a US strike on Iran

correctly predicting a US strike on Iran

correctly predicting a US strike on Iran before that strike was publicly known.

before that strike was publicly known.

before that strike was publicly known. And among them, an account trading under

And among them, an account trading under

And among them, an account trading under the username MAGA my man made nearly a

the username MAGA my man made nearly a

the username MAGA my man made nearly a million dollars since the war started.

million dollars since the war started.

million dollars since the war started. >> Great job, MAGA my man.

>> Great job, MAGA my man.

>> Great job, MAGA my man. I don't know who you are, but I'll keep

I don't know who you are, but I'll keep

I don't know who you are, but I'll keep an eye out for a Rolls-Royce with a

an eye out for a Rolls-Royce with a

an eye out for a Rolls-Royce with a don't tread on me flag,

don't tread on me flag,

don't tread on me flag, but for all I know, you could be Don Jr.

but for all I know, you could be Don Jr.

but for all I know, you could be Don Jr. who is an advisor to both Kshi and Poly

who is an advisor to both Kshi and Poly

who is an advisor to both Kshi and Poly Market.

Market.

Market. What the COULD HE POSSIBLY ADVISE THEM

What the COULD HE POSSIBLY ADVISE THEM

What the COULD HE POSSIBLY ADVISE THEM ON WHERE TO DROP HIS LARGE BAG OF CASH?

ON WHERE TO DROP HIS LARGE BAG OF CASH?

ON WHERE TO DROP HIS LARGE BAG OF CASH? DON'T WORRY, KOSHI. He'll be awake FOR

DON'T WORRY, KOSHI. He'll be awake FOR

DON'T WORRY, KOSHI. He'll be awake FOR THE NEXT 48 HOURS, so the timing is

THE NEXT 48 HOURS, so the timing is

THE NEXT 48 HOURS, so the timing is flexible.

flexible.

flexible. But hey, you don't have to be a member

But hey, you don't have to be a member

But hey, you don't have to be a member of Trump's family to make money on his

of Trump's family to make money on his

of Trump's family to make money on his decisions. Any Bartlett can do it.

decisions. Any Bartlett can do it.

decisions. Any Bartlett can do it. >> Will Trump say low IQ this week?

Crack it. Let me tell you before you

Crack it. Let me tell you before you

Crack it. Let me tell you before you even ask. She's a very low IQ person.

even ask. She's a very low IQ person.

even ask. She's a very low IQ person. >> Wow.

>> Wow.

>> Wow. WOW. THAT WON $100,000

WOW. THAT WON $100,000

WOW. THAT WON $100,000 predicting what the president is going

predicting what the president is going

predicting what the president is going to say next. TRUMP ONLY SAYS LIKE three

to say next. TRUMP ONLY SAYS LIKE three

to say next. TRUMP ONLY SAYS LIKE three things. He's like a big mouth billy bass

things. He's like a big mouth billy bass

things. He's like a big mouth billy bass that hates Mexicans.

that hates Mexicans.

that hates Mexicans. It's not rocket science, SUCKERS.

It's not rocket science, SUCKERS.

It's not rocket science, SUCKERS. NOW, I'VE sworn 10 times in this

NOW, I'VE sworn 10 times in this

NOW, I'VE sworn 10 times in this segment, which means if I say one more

segment, which means if I say one more

segment, which means if I say one more swear word, everyone who listened to me

swear word, everyone who listened to me

swear word, everyone who listened to me earlier is going to make a killing. But

earlier is going to make a killing. But

earlier is going to make a killing. But I'll let you in on a LITTLE SECRET. I

I'll let you in on a LITTLE SECRET. I

I'll let you in on a LITTLE SECRET. I BET EVERYTHING ON ME SWEARING LESS THAN

BET EVERYTHING ON ME SWEARING LESS THAN

BET EVERYTHING ON ME SWEARING LESS THAN THAT AND TOOK ALL YOUR MONEY.

OH, BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME,